If It's Tuesday, This Must Be The Road to Misery and Divorce
August 3, 2010 1:32 PM   Subscribe

My job is slowly demanding more and more travel. This puts a lot of stress on my family. Any suggestions for making it easier on them and me?

I'm mid-30s, married, one kid who's almost two and another due in November. My wife is typically out of the house 10-11 hours a day for her work; we have in-home childcare who is flexible about our hours, but asking her to work the full 11 hours my wife may be gone isn't really fair. Regardless, my wife feels overwhelmed and exhausted when she's watching our son alone in the evenings. He's a poor sleeper with a quick vomit reflex.

I've been at my present job about two and a half years. When I took it, the expectation communicated to me was that I might make one out-of-town trip a month. so far this year I've made at minimum two a month, often more. I basically travel to check up on my company's vendors, of which we have more than a hundred. The trips are almost all in the domestic US, typically one or two nights away.

I've let my boss know that the travel is stressful and makes family life difficult. He is sympathetic, to a degree. I have some peers to whom I can assign these trips in some conditions, and I have his support in doing so. However, the ultimate responsibility for the trips and their outcomes is mine, and it's easier to guarantee success if I just do it myself. Plus, I enjoy the purpose of the travel - I get to meet new people and see new businesses. If we didn't have young ki
ds, I would do as much of it myself as possible.

So in the short term I can reduce my travel - obviously I'll do that during the last month of my wife's pregnancy and the first couple with the new kid. But after that grace period, any suggestions? Do I really just need to give up the travel until the kids can put themselves to bed? How else do I keep my wife, kid(s), and myself sane?
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed to Human Relations (15 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
My advice is not to miss an extra 10-15% of your kids' childhoods unless you really need to. Not to be captain obvious, but it doesn't sound like your job is a good match for your life. Maybe you should consider another job? Most people I know with jobs like this don't have kids, or their spouses don't work.
posted by pjaust at 1:41 PM on August 3, 2010


Speaking as a father I'd say this is one of those "choices" that parents/husbands/wives have to make. Sometimes it's important to put family first. If you can delegate then I would suggest that. Can you take that one trip a month and have someone else do the other? I know you'd rather do it yourself to ensure success. I really understand that. But it may be in your family's best interest to let others do the traveling.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 1:43 PM on August 3, 2010


I have some peers to whom I can assign these trips in some conditions, and I have his support in doing so. However, the ultimate responsibility for the trips and their outcomes is mine, and it's easier to guarantee success if I just do it myself.

This is the long-term key for both your success and your career success -- your ability to successfully delegate, train and motivate others. It's not "how can I get out of this" but "how can I use other people as force multipliers."

You: I don't want to travel as much as I do.
Boss: OK, now what?
You: Here's my plan to train Persons X, Y and Z to do this as well as, if not better, than me. Here's how we'll implement it and measure it. Here's how you, the boss, aren't personally going to have to lift a finger to do this. When we're done, we'll be making XYZ greater impact than before, and you, the boss, will look like a rockstar.
Boss: Congrats, you've been promoted.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:43 PM on August 3, 2010 [8 favorites]


I have similar concerns for my family, but for different reasons. I'm working full time and trying to do school, and in order to make this work, we know that there will be sacrifices that require my wife to pick up more of the slack until we finish this up. One MAJOR thing that helps in this regard is for me to step up a bit more during those times that I am available. My schedule is such that two to three nights in a row, she does more of the childcare. But as soon as Wednesday rolls around, I help to pick up the slack a bit more on my end. This allows for more equity in our contributions to childcare, but it also gives my wife a little light at the end of the tunnel. What is depressing regarding childcare is if you get into a difficult routine that seems like it will never end. Perhaps if your wife sees some reprieve a few days away, when your return, it will be more manageable. Also, I try to the best of my ability to give my wife a reprieve on Saturdays, even if only for a couple of hours, where she has the house to herself (this also doubles as quality time for me and my four year old, when I don't see her as much during the week). We're taking it carefully, but it seems like this sort of arrangement is working well.

Peripherally related, if your wife can get good sleep, it will make all the difference in the world regarding her ability to keep up with kids during the day. A few things that came to mind: excessive vomiting and poor sleeping can be a sign of acid reflux. One of our girls had this, and a quick prescription pretty much eliminated this. Also, swaddling. If you haven't tried this, it can be a lifesaver. And finally, if you can take a round or two rocking with the baby at night, if you aren't already, can be a lifesaver.

Just some ideas. I think all of this may add up to a scenario that allows your wife to hang in there with you, but it's worth discussing. Having a plan between the two of you that demonstrates to your wife that you really care about this issue can be a. Good luck!
posted by SpacemanStix at 1:53 PM on August 3, 2010


How set are you, financially? Can your wife stop working? Can you get a second household helper? Can the house be entirely cleaned by someone else? Can someone cook for your family? Basically, if you're going to work that hard, and your wife is already stressed, can you afford for others to take up the slack?
posted by BlahLaLa at 1:54 PM on August 3, 2010


edit: can be a psychologically beneficial thing that makes or breaks the situation. Good luck!
posted by SpacemanStix at 1:59 PM on August 3, 2010


I agree with SpacemanStix: sleep is a huge issue. If you and your wife are working that many hours and not sleeping well, it's bound to affect your stress levels. I would really try to get your toddler's sleep patterns straightened out before baby #2 arrives. Here's an excellent book to help you with that: Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. I highly recommend it.
posted by yawper at 2:00 PM on August 3, 2010


but asking her to work the full 11 hours my wife may be gone isn't really fair.

If you're paying for childcare, and the caretaker is willing, then it is okay. However, if the caretaker cannot, then hire a second caretaker who can do this.
posted by anniecat at 2:24 PM on August 3, 2010


Can your wife stop working?

or, could YOU stop working?
posted by emilyw at 3:27 PM on August 3, 2010 [1 favorite]


One minor thing that may make travel seem more normal is to have some "face time" with the family via Skype video. This could be part of their bedtime routine, to get a video call from Dad.
posted by schrodycat at 4:13 PM on August 3, 2010


I've let my boss know that the travel is stressful and makes family life difficult. He is sympathetic, to a degree. I have some peers to whom I can assign these trips in some conditions, and I have his support in doing so. However, the ultimate responsibility for the trips and their outcomes is mine, and it's easier to guarantee success if I just do it myself. Plus, I enjoy the purpose of the travel - I get to meet new people and see new businesses. If we didn't have young kids, I would do as much of it myself as possible.

I think that the optimal situation at your job would be to talk to the boss and HR about restructuring your responsibilities so that you have a job that you can do to the best of your ability without traveling. Someone else would have to be the face-time guy, but perhaps you could schedule a key meeting during each trip via videoconference or conference call.

It bothers me a little bit that you explained this to your boss as "making your family life difficult." I don't want to jump all over your word choice unfairly, but that's kind of a vague complaint that, taken literally, isn't even solvable by your boss. What you need is to be able to care for your children.
posted by desuetude at 4:41 PM on August 3, 2010


seconding schrodycat, with the ever increasing connectedness of our world being "away" doesn't have to mean being away as much.

The reverse works too, can vendors you regularly work with be enticed to set up video conferencing meetings ?
posted by oblio_one at 5:49 PM on August 3, 2010


Response by poster: Thanks everyone for the thoughts. A few notes:

If one of us stopped working, it would be me - she makes more and her job is more secure. More realistically, she'll go part-time after the birth of our second kid. That might actually make my travel schedule easier on her in the long run, we'll see. Financially, though, we definitely need dual incomes at this time.

My workplace is such that I would be shut down right away if I was to complain to my boss without offering an alternative. When I talk to him about this I do so. It's a valid point to be sure I'm specific about how and why it's stressful. I think the most important thing I've heard in this thread so far is that I can use this to improve and demonstrate my ability to delegate and motivate.

I try to do more than my share of late-night rocking and evening childcare. But yes, sleep is key, and I understand that in the best of conditions sleep can be difficult when you've got a 27-week-old parasite in your belly.

Thanks for all the insight.
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 6:53 PM on August 3, 2010


More realistically, she'll go part-time after the birth of our second kid. That might actually make my travel schedule easier on her in the long run, we'll see.

Hm, maybe. But I wouldn't count on it (i.e., by waiting to lay the groundwork for delegating this task until after your second child arrives and you see if the part-time thing fixes it). My thought is that spending more time on solo childcare, with double the babies, won't make her feel less overwhelmed by yet more solo childcare. (Unless you're keeping the nanny full-time.) I say this as someone who's home with 3 children 3-and-under; I don't think I like the nights when my husband is traveling any more than someone would who's working at something else during the day.

I have occasionally hired a "mother's helper" for the evening when my husband's work has left me pretty much on my own for the evening. Do you have older nieces, or older children of friends, or a younger sister of a regular babysitter? An 11- to 13-year-old who is fond of younger children can be a huge help in the evenings -- reading books, playing games with the baby, even giving a bath -- and can be hired very cheaply because they're not ultimately responsible, just helping out. (I pay $5/hr.) All depends on baby's willingness to ditch Mom's lap, though. Mine are, because they're sick of me by then!

Congrats on the new baby. As our oldest has hit 3, I see that everyone wasn't lying when they said this high-intensity period is short, though it can be overwhelming at times.
posted by palliser at 8:00 PM on August 3, 2010


My workplace is such that I would be shut down right away if I was to complain to my boss without offering an alternative. When I talk to him about this I do so. It's a valid point to be sure I'm specific about how and why it's stressful.

The workplace still retains a lot of sexism, and while I'm usually pointing out how much shitty commentary women get, this is a situation in which you're likely to see the boomerang hit of sexism -- the status quo is still that women are primary caregivers and that a father taking care of his children is "babysitting." Which, as far as I'm concerned, is horseshit.

I don't think you need to go into the intricacies of why and how it's stressful, because you don't want to open up this subject for debate. Your need to care for your kids is not optional, but your stress is not your boss's problem.

Figure out a plan, plus some alternate scenarios, which are sustainable ways to get the work done to appropriate standards. Decide the terms for travel that you'd ideally want, would accept if needed, and where you draw the line. Propose it and negotiate.
posted by desuetude at 9:29 PM on August 3, 2010


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