Avoiding heartache
July 31, 2010 4:49 PM Subscribe
How to resolve relationship issue regarding how to communicate and support one another in times of crisis.
I've been a relationship for about a year and a half. In almost all respects, things are going well. I'm a cis female, my girlfriend is a butch lesbian. We are not living together.
On two occasions, and under very similar circumstances, my girlfriend has broken up with me suddenly (and then subsequently un-broken up with me). I would like to avoid these situations, which are painful.
The most recent situation: We were flying across country and exhausted, sleep-deprived (less than 4 hours sleep), with various airline travel complications. My GF received the news during a layover that a close family member had died. The news was not unexpected -- we had just been visiting the very ill family member -- but painful. We sat together, I rubbed her shoulder. My intent was support. My inner resources were a bit thin -- in addition to being sleep deprived, I was in the middle of a work-related crisis. (Not an excuse, just to give background.)
During the flight, my GF was sitting in the window seat, curled up and turned toward the window. I was watching bad TV, too drained to sleep. I assumed that we were each trying to get through a difficult time -- I thought she was sleeping or just sort of curled-up-ugh-enduring.
Mid-flight, she took off my headset and she was furious -- she stated that she had been crying for hours and that I had been ignoring her, providing no support, no words of kindness. She stated that she had tried to take my hand and that I hadn't responded. I said, "Oh! I didn't know you wanted that!" and turned to her to try to remedy. No go, she would not let me touch her and would not talk to me.
When we landed, she ditched me at the airport, and sent me text messages describing my behavior as lacking in kindness, decency, that the relationship was not giving her what she needed, etc. These texts hurt my feelings very much.
I stated that I was sorry I missed her signals and did not help her the way she needed. I stated that she could tell me what she needed, but her position is that the occasion was so obvious -- the death of a family member, her great pain -- that she should not have to ask. About 24 hours later she was back to her usual self.
FWIW, I am a WASP/Yankee from New England. My instinct is to sort of take a "sit with" approach, let the other person be, wait to be told what is needed. I am more likely to want to help than to hug, though I'm willing to adapt. When I am in distress or upset I pretty much want to be left alone or want others to wait for me to ask for something. I understand that other people -- including my significant other -- are different.
One friend who is like me described the situation to me as: "You respect someone's right to be with their feelings, and trust that they'll ask for what they want, and GF wanted you to intuitively get it, to know that she needed to be taken care of and supported in that moment."
Another friend who is like my GF described the scenario to me like this: "You thought she was sleeping, she thought she was screaming."
GF and I are talking about this. But how to prevent in the future? If words are too much for GF in the moment, maybe a signal? How can I "intuitively get it" when I'm wired so differently?
Another friend said, "Welcome to the club!" (This is my first long-term relationship with a female.)
I've been a relationship for about a year and a half. In almost all respects, things are going well. I'm a cis female, my girlfriend is a butch lesbian. We are not living together.
On two occasions, and under very similar circumstances, my girlfriend has broken up with me suddenly (and then subsequently un-broken up with me). I would like to avoid these situations, which are painful.
The most recent situation: We were flying across country and exhausted, sleep-deprived (less than 4 hours sleep), with various airline travel complications. My GF received the news during a layover that a close family member had died. The news was not unexpected -- we had just been visiting the very ill family member -- but painful. We sat together, I rubbed her shoulder. My intent was support. My inner resources were a bit thin -- in addition to being sleep deprived, I was in the middle of a work-related crisis. (Not an excuse, just to give background.)
During the flight, my GF was sitting in the window seat, curled up and turned toward the window. I was watching bad TV, too drained to sleep. I assumed that we were each trying to get through a difficult time -- I thought she was sleeping or just sort of curled-up-ugh-enduring.
Mid-flight, she took off my headset and she was furious -- she stated that she had been crying for hours and that I had been ignoring her, providing no support, no words of kindness. She stated that she had tried to take my hand and that I hadn't responded. I said, "Oh! I didn't know you wanted that!" and turned to her to try to remedy. No go, she would not let me touch her and would not talk to me.
When we landed, she ditched me at the airport, and sent me text messages describing my behavior as lacking in kindness, decency, that the relationship was not giving her what she needed, etc. These texts hurt my feelings very much.
I stated that I was sorry I missed her signals and did not help her the way she needed. I stated that she could tell me what she needed, but her position is that the occasion was so obvious -- the death of a family member, her great pain -- that she should not have to ask. About 24 hours later she was back to her usual self.
FWIW, I am a WASP/Yankee from New England. My instinct is to sort of take a "sit with" approach, let the other person be, wait to be told what is needed. I am more likely to want to help than to hug, though I'm willing to adapt. When I am in distress or upset I pretty much want to be left alone or want others to wait for me to ask for something. I understand that other people -- including my significant other -- are different.
One friend who is like me described the situation to me as: "You respect someone's right to be with their feelings, and trust that they'll ask for what they want, and GF wanted you to intuitively get it, to know that she needed to be taken care of and supported in that moment."
Another friend who is like my GF described the scenario to me like this: "You thought she was sleeping, she thought she was screaming."
GF and I are talking about this. But how to prevent in the future? If words are too much for GF in the moment, maybe a signal? How can I "intuitively get it" when I'm wired so differently?
Another friend said, "Welcome to the club!" (This is my first long-term relationship with a female.)
Just because you are in love does not make you a mind reader. Sometime when she calm, have a discussion, let her know what your instincts are and tell her that she needs to let you know CLEARLY when she wants something else. If she finds it hard to talk at times like that, then the two of you can talk about how she can signal her needs so you can understand. Remind her that what was incredibly obvious to her, is not necessarily obvious to you. If she says "If you loved me you would know", she is wrong - you do love her and you didn't know because you grew up in a family that expressed their love in different way.
This fundamental difference in style is well explained in the Five Languages of Love - spend a little time exploring their website here
Also, you need to tell that what she said really hurt you and while you might forgive, you are still hurting. Next time instead of break-up, she declare a "time-out" from the relationship (minimum 30 minutes) - you both keep your distance and avoid unnecessary communication until each of you feels calm enough to talk.
The real issue that I see is whether your GF has the emotional maturity to give you the benefit of the doubt - assuming that each of you are doing the best the can and that mistakes are mostly unintentional. She has to take responsibility of letting you know what her needs are, you have the choice to give her what she asks or not. At the same time, you need to make sure that you are also communicating your own needs here - getting as well as giving. good luck
posted by metahawk at 5:29 PM on July 31, 2010 [6 favorites]
This fundamental difference in style is well explained in the Five Languages of Love - spend a little time exploring their website here
Also, you need to tell that what she said really hurt you and while you might forgive, you are still hurting. Next time instead of break-up, she declare a "time-out" from the relationship (minimum 30 minutes) - you both keep your distance and avoid unnecessary communication until each of you feels calm enough to talk.
The real issue that I see is whether your GF has the emotional maturity to give you the benefit of the doubt - assuming that each of you are doing the best the can and that mistakes are mostly unintentional. She has to take responsibility of letting you know what her needs are, you have the choice to give her what she asks or not. At the same time, you need to make sure that you are also communicating your own needs here - getting as well as giving. good luck
posted by metahawk at 5:29 PM on July 31, 2010 [6 favorites]
Talk about instituting some sort of rule that no big decisions (like breaking up) get made when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (aka H.A.L.T.).
posted by rtha at 5:49 PM on July 31, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by rtha at 5:49 PM on July 31, 2010 [2 favorites]
She needs to feel comfortable enough to be able to ask you for what she needs. Even if you 'should just know' or whatever--you're two different people and you have different ways of dealing with things. Of course you want to be there for her and help her; if you're not doing what she needs, she has to communicate that to you in a non-histrionic way.
I don't mean to be offensive but it sounds like she's acting like a teenager rather than an adult. Adult relationships require a shitload of communication, compromise, and especially acceptance that your partner is not exactly the same as you and can't read your mind.
posted by tetralix at 5:59 PM on July 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't mean to be offensive but it sounds like she's acting like a teenager rather than an adult. Adult relationships require a shitload of communication, compromise, and especially acceptance that your partner is not exactly the same as you and can't read your mind.
posted by tetralix at 5:59 PM on July 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think it's a bit rich for her to accuse you of not caring about her while you are accompanying her on a trip to see a dying relative. Obviously you care about her, and you don't sound insensitive to me - you knew she was grieving - you just didn't know how to comfort her because you would have wanted to be "sat with" but left alone. Now you know that when she's upset, she wants to be talked to and hugged - so that's what you'll do from now on.
posted by moxiedoll at 5:59 PM on July 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by moxiedoll at 5:59 PM on July 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't know; you're presenting this as if your girlfriend is asking you to be a mind-reader or something, when in actuality based on your description what really happened was that you felt stressed, checked out, and missed the most obvious of all possible signals in the most self-evident of all possible contexts. Girlfriend curled up sobbing in seat after death of a close family member? That's about the closest thing to a relationship lay-up I can imagine, and I can't really blame her for being angry that you donned the headphones and shut her out in a situation like that.
Speaking as someone who's probably closer to your girlfriend's approach than to yours in these situations, I'd say that what might help a lot is if you just made sure she knew you were paying attention to how she's doing. It's not a magic skill, even if you're not used to it; it basically just requires that you (1) keep track of possible big stressors in her life (test coming up? Mom just died? Got the flu? etc.), and (2) check in occasionally to monitor obvious clues to her apparent emotional state (Is she teary? Bags under the eyes? Short, snippy answers in conversation? Quiet and withdrawn? etc.). The bigger the stressors, the more frequently you check in-- aim for 1x every 2-3 hours in the case of a big event like a death in the family.
If something seems off, then go ahead and offer help in a nice unaggressive fashion-- say, "Honey, you seem a little X, and I feel bad about it. What can I do to help?" If you can, go ahead and do the subsequent "You sure?" just to get through the initial reflexive polite denial-- or failing that, just give her a hug and remind her that you're there for her. Maybe you still won't know exactly what to do, and maybe she'll still deny that anything's wrong and refuse help. But I do think that the knowledge that one's partner is present and actively looking out for one goes a long way in cases like these. Keep the lines of communication open, and she may feel more comfortable using them.
posted by Bardolph at 6:09 PM on July 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
Speaking as someone who's probably closer to your girlfriend's approach than to yours in these situations, I'd say that what might help a lot is if you just made sure she knew you were paying attention to how she's doing. It's not a magic skill, even if you're not used to it; it basically just requires that you (1) keep track of possible big stressors in her life (test coming up? Mom just died? Got the flu? etc.), and (2) check in occasionally to monitor obvious clues to her apparent emotional state (Is she teary? Bags under the eyes? Short, snippy answers in conversation? Quiet and withdrawn? etc.). The bigger the stressors, the more frequently you check in-- aim for 1x every 2-3 hours in the case of a big event like a death in the family.
If something seems off, then go ahead and offer help in a nice unaggressive fashion-- say, "Honey, you seem a little X, and I feel bad about it. What can I do to help?" If you can, go ahead and do the subsequent "You sure?" just to get through the initial reflexive polite denial-- or failing that, just give her a hug and remind her that you're there for her. Maybe you still won't know exactly what to do, and maybe she'll still deny that anything's wrong and refuse help. But I do think that the knowledge that one's partner is present and actively looking out for one goes a long way in cases like these. Keep the lines of communication open, and she may feel more comfortable using them.
posted by Bardolph at 6:09 PM on July 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
One thing I've found helps is discussing issues before they arise. Make a mental note of a fight, and a couple weeks later come back and say "what happened here." Not that you need to keep a count/record of fights, but figure out what the triggers are and try to head them off/minimize them.
If this is tough, which it was for us, check out a marriage/couples counselor. Ours was fantastic in helping us come to some hard-found realizations about fights/arguments/communication.
posted by TheBones at 6:28 PM on July 31, 2010
If this is tough, which it was for us, check out a marriage/couples counselor. Ours was fantastic in helping us come to some hard-found realizations about fights/arguments/communication.
posted by TheBones at 6:28 PM on July 31, 2010
One thing jumped out at me; I cannot in any way fathom a more explicit way to show I am not okay than crying. Seriously. She was crying and tried to take your hand on the way home from seeing a dying relative AND after finding out they did die but is somehow not being clear enough, or communicating enough? That seems really odd to me.
posted by geek anachronism at 8:57 PM on July 31, 2010
posted by geek anachronism at 8:57 PM on July 31, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks everyone, helpful. We've been talking and will try to work on new approaches for next time. I like the HALT rule, taking a break, deciding on signals, etc.
(For what it's worth, I did not realize that she was crying, she was curled up toward the window and I thought she was sleeping and/or enduring the flight with exhaustion. And it's not like I rejected holding hands, I just didn't get that she wanted my attention in a more focused way. I'm not saying I should not have figured it out, or that I'm right, obviously I wish I had gotten it and not made the mistake. But, I did not, in fact, get it, hence this question. (If I knew how to put this in little letters I would.))
posted by EmbarrassingQuestionsSockpuppet at 9:45 PM on July 31, 2010
(For what it's worth, I did not realize that she was crying, she was curled up toward the window and I thought she was sleeping and/or enduring the flight with exhaustion. And it's not like I rejected holding hands, I just didn't get that she wanted my attention in a more focused way. I'm not saying I should not have figured it out, or that I'm right, obviously I wish I had gotten it and not made the mistake. But, I did not, in fact, get it, hence this question. (If I knew how to put this in little letters I would.))
posted by EmbarrassingQuestionsSockpuppet at 9:45 PM on July 31, 2010
I have to jump in here. OP, I would have done exactly the same thing. If someone is curled up with their back to me, that tells me that they don't want to talk, don't want company, and are trying to be "alone' in a situation that doesn't exactly allow for genuine alone-ness. I would do that myself to signal "leave me be, I'm in my loner-zone." I am, like you, a doer based upon what I see, not upon what the partner magically beams into my brain. You did nothing wrong, and your actions were actually quite considerate based upon what she was communicating at the time.
This was discussed in another AskMe thread, and no I'm not going to go find it and link to it. The point of the other thread was: the asker was all upset because her boyfriend wasn't being sympathetic enough towards her when her grandmother was dying....but she never told the boyfriend what would make her feel better - it was like, "Well, if you really loved me, you would just know automatically what to do and do it!" It doesn't work like that, and it seems as though your GF has fallen into the trap of expecting you to know exactly what will make her feel better, when she's physically communicating that the EXACT OPPOSITE will make her feel better. To repeat, you did nothing wrong, based on your original question and follow-up appearance in this thread - you respected what she was physically telling you. It might be a fantastic idea for the two of you to sit down and talk about expectations and whatnot, but you did what a reasonable person would have thought best and have nothing to feel guilty about.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 1:18 AM on August 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
This was discussed in another AskMe thread, and no I'm not going to go find it and link to it. The point of the other thread was: the asker was all upset because her boyfriend wasn't being sympathetic enough towards her when her grandmother was dying....but she never told the boyfriend what would make her feel better - it was like, "Well, if you really loved me, you would just know automatically what to do and do it!" It doesn't work like that, and it seems as though your GF has fallen into the trap of expecting you to know exactly what will make her feel better, when she's physically communicating that the EXACT OPPOSITE will make her feel better. To repeat, you did nothing wrong, based on your original question and follow-up appearance in this thread - you respected what she was physically telling you. It might be a fantastic idea for the two of you to sit down and talk about expectations and whatnot, but you did what a reasonable person would have thought best and have nothing to feel guilty about.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 1:18 AM on August 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
The mind reading comment might be really helpful. We have a tendency to assume the other partner knows our exact thoughts. Maybe you could carefully let your gf know that you desperately want to help but she has to let you know how to navigate through her
feelings. And discussing how to do that before a crisis arrivals is much more productive.
If she says she doesn't know what she needs until she is in crisis, she might have to work on developing her emotional maturity. And based on your story, it needs some work.
posted by WhiteWhale at 7:51 AM on August 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
feelings. And discussing how to do that before a crisis arrivals is much more productive.
If she says she doesn't know what she needs until she is in crisis, she might have to work on developing her emotional maturity. And based on your story, it needs some work.
posted by WhiteWhale at 7:51 AM on August 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Might it be that, for a butch dyke, squeezing out a tear or two feels like uncontrollable sobbing? She may think she's emoting all over the place, yet not give you a clue. Ask her how she's feeling.
posted by Carol Anne at 9:46 AM on August 1, 2010
posted by Carol Anne at 9:46 AM on August 1, 2010
That other link is here, deep thought sunstar (love the name, by the way!).
posted by anitanita at 10:01 AM on August 1, 2010
posted by anitanita at 10:01 AM on August 1, 2010
So she rails on you for not comforting her and then refuses to let you comfort her. She pulled away from you physically (curled up towards the window) and then got mad that you didn't understand that she needed to be close. She gives you the silent treatment, ditches you in an airport, and sends hurtful text messages yet says that you didn't treat her with kindness and decency. Huh? How's that fair?
Be careful with someone who's main reaction to not getting what they want is to throw a tantrum and abruptly break things off.
Okay, you missed the mark on this one. She probably had a right to be upset. That's not the issue as I see it - it's how she handled being upset. Instead of giving you the chance to care for her in the way that she said she needed, she goes all passive aggressive on you. In that moment it was more important for her to throw big, demonstrative fits of guilt baiting outrage than it was to let you do the very thing she was angry with you for not doing.
So yeah, be careful - pay attention to see if this double-bind dynamic plays out in other areas of your relationship. Sometimes simply pointing it out in a loving way helps, leave if it doesn't.
posted by space_cookie at 1:47 PM on August 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Be careful with someone who's main reaction to not getting what they want is to throw a tantrum and abruptly break things off.
Okay, you missed the mark on this one. She probably had a right to be upset. That's not the issue as I see it - it's how she handled being upset. Instead of giving you the chance to care for her in the way that she said she needed, she goes all passive aggressive on you. In that moment it was more important for her to throw big, demonstrative fits of guilt baiting outrage than it was to let you do the very thing she was angry with you for not doing.
So yeah, be careful - pay attention to see if this double-bind dynamic plays out in other areas of your relationship. Sometimes simply pointing it out in a loving way helps, leave if it doesn't.
posted by space_cookie at 1:47 PM on August 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Thanks, anitanita (for linking and comment!:))
posted by deep thought sunstar at 3:30 PM on August 1, 2010
posted by deep thought sunstar at 3:30 PM on August 1, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
I've found that I don't like to ask for help when I have to specify what kind of help I need. Since I've changed the rules -- I just need help -- asking for it is much easier. It is the companionship that is what I really need.
I'm so damn independent that if she asked me what I needed I would say "nothing, i'm fine." So we have to get past that. I don't ask for anything, I just say I need help. She doesn't ask me what I need, she just gives me comfort. And that works.
Maybe you could tell her about this, and maybe suggest that when she needs YOU to take your hand and hold it in a certain way and that you will understand what is needed.
I've tried telepathy and it just doesn't work. No matter how much I scream in my head it simply doesn't come across if I've got my "stone face" on. And I'm of the era that is all about the stone face.
This is a good question, and I think you two will work it out just fine.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:12 PM on July 31, 2010 [3 favorites]