Help me
July 30, 2010 10:22 AM Subscribe
i am not happy all my life. I seem to move on and on but when i look back i have not achieved anything. I tend to fail in everything i do. Suggest me ways to be happy.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Sorry, there really isn't an answerable question here. -- cortex
A true failure is something from which you do not learn.
No one can give you happiness, nor can an activity provide it. "Happiness" is something that wells up from inside you--you can choose to be happy about something or not. Some people end up getting joy from the smallest things, while others see only the negatives of any given situation.
If you expect your source of happiness to come externally, you'll never get there.
Who are you and what do you really want? It's not this unmeasurable "happiness," believe it or not. That's just a state you end up in.
/chatfilter
posted by Ky at 10:29 AM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
No one can give you happiness, nor can an activity provide it. "Happiness" is something that wells up from inside you--you can choose to be happy about something or not. Some people end up getting joy from the smallest things, while others see only the negatives of any given situation.
If you expect your source of happiness to come externally, you'll never get there.
Who are you and what do you really want? It's not this unmeasurable "happiness," believe it or not. That's just a state you end up in.
/chatfilter
posted by Ky at 10:29 AM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
This question really needs more info to not be chatfilter. You can/should contact the mods and send them more detailed info and ask them to make the question anonymous.
posted by griphus at 10:31 AM on July 30, 2010
posted by griphus at 10:31 AM on July 30, 2010
Stop trying to accomplish things that are pass-fail, and instead accomplish things where the value comes from the process. You're focusing too much on goals and not enough on tasks to bring you pleasure.
posted by davejay at 10:37 AM on July 30, 2010
posted by davejay at 10:37 AM on July 30, 2010
Oh, and achieving things will not make you happy. I mean, it may, in that transient "I did this thing, awesome!" way, but not in the lasting, everpresent happiness way. The quickest road to unhappiness is blanket-thinking. Everything sucks. I'm not good at anything, etc. If you're capable of getting out of bed, putting on pants (or a dress) in the morning and leaving the house, you have not failed at everything and your statement is patently false. And I don't mean that in the touchy-feely "everyone is good at something" way. It's not true for everyone and you shouldn't peg your happiness to being good at something. Why? Because you will always find someone better than you. If not now, eventually.
So, if you want lasting happiness, concentrate on your character. On the character of those around you. Make yourself into the best person you can be, regardless of socially-constructed concepts of appropriate ratios of success and failure. How many writers are known for a single novel? Quite a few. By the standards of "success and failure," they've spent their lives failing. What's it matter?
posted by griphus at 10:44 AM on July 30, 2010
So, if you want lasting happiness, concentrate on your character. On the character of those around you. Make yourself into the best person you can be, regardless of socially-constructed concepts of appropriate ratios of success and failure. How many writers are known for a single novel? Quite a few. By the standards of "success and failure," they've spent their lives failing. What's it matter?
posted by griphus at 10:44 AM on July 30, 2010
Spend at least an hour each week doing something nice for someone else. Whether this is through a structured volunteer program or just doing something on your own, it will make you feel good about your impact on the world. Even if you do nothing else of value in the week or nothing seems to be going right for you, you know that for at least one hour you made someone's world a little brighter, and that is worth a lot.
posted by phunniemee at 10:44 AM on July 30, 2010
posted by phunniemee at 10:44 AM on July 30, 2010
I know exactly what you mean, at least I'm going to take a long shot that I do and just tell us if any of these things resonate.
You don't really care that much about what you're doing at any given moment and the reason why you end up doing any particular activity has much more to do with whatever you were doing before that, rather than being based on any particular goal you really care about. People say things like "You should have goals!" but attempts to create them simply adds to a to-do list that doesn't really matter to you.
(So to be clearer - in my case I can intellectually see that I'm not really failing at everything but it feels like it because I just don't care about anything I accomplish. The "value that comes in the process" which davejay speaks of just doesn't come.)
It seems to me like it must have something to do with self-valuation somewhere, and hence be something best approached with some form of talk therapy, but I've never found a therapist who I had any success with. So I've mostly dealt with it through therapeutic drugs, antidepressants and all that. They say you just need to find a therapist who "clicks" with you but it's tough to keep going to see another and another and another one and have to construct the relationship from scratch every time.
(But if you're not seeing a therapist and / or a psychiatrist you should definitely give it a try, at the very least I find that the drugs definitely do make a difference and even if therapy hasn't really worked for me it works wonders for some people. Even your physician may be willing to prescribe one of the long-tested / low-side-effects drugs like Prozac / Fluoxetine, which is very inexpensive in the generic. But ideally you want a specialist to coordinate it all.)
posted by XMLicious at 10:48 AM on July 30, 2010
You don't really care that much about what you're doing at any given moment and the reason why you end up doing any particular activity has much more to do with whatever you were doing before that, rather than being based on any particular goal you really care about. People say things like "You should have goals!" but attempts to create them simply adds to a to-do list that doesn't really matter to you.
(So to be clearer - in my case I can intellectually see that I'm not really failing at everything but it feels like it because I just don't care about anything I accomplish. The "value that comes in the process" which davejay speaks of just doesn't come.)
It seems to me like it must have something to do with self-valuation somewhere, and hence be something best approached with some form of talk therapy, but I've never found a therapist who I had any success with. So I've mostly dealt with it through therapeutic drugs, antidepressants and all that. They say you just need to find a therapist who "clicks" with you but it's tough to keep going to see another and another and another one and have to construct the relationship from scratch every time.
(But if you're not seeing a therapist and / or a psychiatrist you should definitely give it a try, at the very least I find that the drugs definitely do make a difference and even if therapy hasn't really worked for me it works wonders for some people. Even your physician may be willing to prescribe one of the long-tested / low-side-effects drugs like Prozac / Fluoxetine, which is very inexpensive in the generic. But ideally you want a specialist to coordinate it all.)
posted by XMLicious at 10:48 AM on July 30, 2010
I wonder what your emotional idea of happiness is. Is it being calm and feeling like you have everything together? Is it feeling proud? Is it appreciating and being glad you're you? If we knew what that word meant to you, in terms of what feeling you're trying to achieve, that would help us make better suggestions.
posted by anniecat at 10:49 AM on July 30, 2010
posted by anniecat at 10:49 AM on July 30, 2010
There was a question a few days ago from someone who felt that he (or she, no gender was actually stated) was a nonentity and wanted to know what to do about it. This generated many excellent replies. Search for this under "nonenetity" (I know, I should make you a link...but I am very lazy). It is essentially the same question as yours.
posted by grizzled at 10:50 AM on July 30, 2010
posted by grizzled at 10:50 AM on July 30, 2010
What are your definitions of success? Write them down from the smallest things to the biggest things.
Happiness in life can come from appreciating the beauty of things to accomplishing grand tasks or projects.
When you say fail at things, could you have "failed" at them worse than you did? Did you utterly fail or only somewhat?
If anything, I think you've got to start asking yourself different questions in order to start feeling different things.
posted by fantasticninety at 10:52 AM on July 30, 2010
Happiness in life can come from appreciating the beauty of things to accomplishing grand tasks or projects.
When you say fail at things, could you have "failed" at them worse than you did? Did you utterly fail or only somewhat?
If anything, I think you've got to start asking yourself different questions in order to start feeling different things.
posted by fantasticninety at 10:52 AM on July 30, 2010
Also, you need to remember that success is relative. There are a million ways you haven't failed. You're probably not homeless, you probably have $5 in your pocket, you're literate. Hopefully you have friends and you are a good person to them.
What haven't you achieved that you wish you had?
posted by anniecat at 10:54 AM on July 30, 2010
What haven't you achieved that you wish you had?
posted by anniecat at 10:54 AM on July 30, 2010
I'm confused. The blog linked in your profile has a section you've written on Personal Growth, in which you discuss your own thoughts, definition, and advice on happiness. This question really needs more information.
posted by mireille at 10:57 AM on July 30, 2010
posted by mireille at 10:57 AM on July 30, 2010
This totally looks like we have our own spambots creating awful posts. Flagged!
posted by two lights above the sea at 10:58 AM on July 30, 2010
posted by two lights above the sea at 10:58 AM on July 30, 2010
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posted by HuronBob at 10:28 AM on July 30, 2010