I am a nonentity. It is very distressing.

July 28, 2010 2:20 PM

I am a nonentity. It is very distressing.

I have a Science degree from South America, but no career direction. I am not even working on anything related to my field. I have little "passions" that have no potencial for future jobs (cooking, reading, history), and I am starting to get...bitter.

When I was younger, I always felt like I would go "far". I got a couple of scholarships, went to England, to Japan, and I expected interesting things from myself. Now I moved to the US, have no friends (although I do have a very loving spouse) and have been hit by the realization that I am a nonentity. I have nothing to offer to the world, I have no special skills, and this worries me because of two reasons:

I do want to make enough money to lead a nice life (travelling, shopping a little bit, etc)

I want to feel...accomplished. And right now I feel completely stuck.I work just to get stuff done, and it's very painful to realize that I am...a loser.

I find myself thinking I'm lucky that my spouse makes enough, because obviously I won't ever get a proper job, I will always have "mock" jobs that aren't really serious (right now I'm sort of a volunteer and make $800 a month) and it's very sad to realize that I am simply not fit to be a grown up. This has also led me to feel jealous of people who seem to be achieving things. Be it school, jobs or simply looking at peace with themselves. I am really becoming bitter. And I don't like it at all.

These feelings have coincided with the horrible and huge realization that I don't believe in god. So my life makes even less sense now. I feel completely insignificant. I am nothing. I'm like the clerk in Ikiru, only I am so poorly skilled that building a park is not an option.

How can I deal with these feelings?
How do I discover a path that will lead me to a succesful career?
How can I stop comparing myself to others?
How can I grow up and stop being mediocre?

Thank you.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total)

You sound depressed. Although I think I'm quite a bit younger than you are, I've dealt with a lot of similar issues - the constant comparisons, feeling I'm not good enough etc.. Therapy helped me tremendously. Find a good therapist and give it a try. Or if you can't afford one, I'd suggest reading Unstuck by James S. Gordon. It helped me through a hard time recently.
posted by smokingmonkey at 2:29 PM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]

Well, if you insist on keeping score, you sound like you have your shit together more than I do.

But...stop keeping score. There will always be people who seem to be more "accomplished." It does you no good to see your peers as ranking competitors in life.

The only accomplishment that matters is happiness, and happiness is something you can have control over. Keep loving your little passions, be grateful for them, and if you can't find work related to your passions, at least you have them at all.
posted by mreleganza at 2:35 PM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

Don't wait for a successful career to fall into your lap. Jump on any opportunity that comes your way--anything that might help you along.

I've talked to many people in lots of fields who are now quite successful (secure job that they enjoy, doing interesting things in their field, having the free time or money for a pleasant lifestyle, etc.) who have not had a traditional journey to where they are now. They all had ups and downs, as well as unexpected changes in their course. But they all were scrappy and flexible--they rolled with the punches and kept striving for what they wanted.

Don't think of yourself as a loser. Don't hate your job because it isn't your "dream job." Consider everything a stepping stone to the next place you want to be.
posted by gumtree at 2:37 PM on July 28, 2010

I have a Science degree ... I have little "passions" ... cooking
How do I discover a path that will lead me to a succesful career?

You take what you're good at and try to marry it with what you like to do.

Science + cooking = food science

Science + cooking + creativity = molecular gastronomy
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:38 PM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]

Speaking as a fellow non-entity, the loving spouse is worth more than the best job in the world. Count your blessings.
posted by Joe Beese at 2:41 PM on July 28, 2010 [30 favorites]

You say you don't have friends. You should try to go out and make some. Are any of the people in your volunteer or workplace nice? Do they ever offer to hang out or get dinner after work, etc. You should go to these things. You may meet new people through these excursions. The point is to "network." The more people you know the more opportunities will be presented to you.

And are you telling people that you are looking for jobs where you can exercise your skills? I started doing design work for one division of my department two years ago. It has reached the point where I am getting design requests, without my having to look for them. Now I do design work for multiple divisions in my department. And each time, someone says "oh, I gave your name and contact info to so-and-so, hope you don't mind". Once people know that you are looking for working (and that you are good at it and reliable) word will spread.

Don't underestimate the power of networking! Let people know what you are about and what you want. Believe it or not, people remember these things and often do keep you mind. My sister got a job at a hospital this way.

And seriously, with a science degree, your paycheck will be bigger than mine most of the time. (I have an English degree, woohoo). You just need to get out there and be persistent! Don't give up~

You are only as big a loser as you think you are. People will perceive you based on how you perceive yourself. If you think you are a loser, then you are. It will show. So stop dwelling on could-have, would-have, should-have and focus on the future. Forward forward forward.

Good luck!
posted by joyeuxamelie at 2:49 PM on July 28, 2010 [3 favorites]

1. Look into "cognitive distortions". Feeling Good is a great book to check out.

2. Define a couple of terms objectively (not as you think these apply to you)- "loser", "nothing", "mediocre", "non-entity". Say your loving spouse comes up to you and says he feels like a "non-entity" this morning. Does he fit the definition? Why or why not? Replace spouse with yourself, rules remain unchanged.

3. Make lists of your qualities that feel negative and positive. Example-

Negative-
a. no single passion
b. no career direction
c. (possibly) no potential for jobs
d. no friends
e. nothing to offer the world

Positive-
a. enjoy more than one thing (which is even more fun if one thinks about it)
b. people are not born with a direction, we constantly have to find it and I will too
c. science degree (a degree always brings some job potential)
d. loving spouse (you can always make new friends anytime but a loving partner is priceless)
e. not sure what I can offer to the world right now--> needs more introspection/research

4. Comparing people is futile because all our situations are different (think apples and oranges). Measure yourself with your own yardstick!

5. The clerks in Ikiru are just one perspective. They still do an important job, which a lot of people may never want to do. And that requires patience and persistence, day after day.

Every coin has a flip side. You seem to be paying too much attention to just one side.
posted by xm at 2:55 PM on July 28, 2010 [6 favorites]

You do not equal your job or how much money you make. You are how you think of yourself and others, first and foremost.
posted by innocuous_sockpuppet at 2:56 PM on July 28, 2010 [3 favorites]

Existing as a non-entity is lonely and alienating, but there are compensations. We get a special unofficial observer status which allows us to research the world we live in in detail. If you can stick with it long enough, you can later get curmudgeon status, which provides excellent subtle rewards not acknowledged by temporal powers.

Also, I favorite what Joe Beese says.
posted by ovvl at 3:02 PM on July 28, 2010 [5 favorites]

All of the above.

I spent most of my adult life where you are now. Then, as if by magic, I became a Success!!! by slightly changing my career. Now I'm a Success!!! and I'm much happier.

No, honestly, I am in fact much happier. I've broken down my life's problems and solved them one by one, and now everything has come together except for one big thing, which I'm now free to work on.

How did I do it? When I was 25 an old lady told me to "keep your eye on the ball". I didn't think much of that at the time. I wanted to hear something like the secret of success being spinach, or push-ups or something. Her advice sounded too realistic, too general, and too far from coming to fruition. But I did it.

And everything I did since then built up into making me the Success!!! I am today. Looking back I'm amazed - none of it was wasted.

Keep your eye on the ball.
posted by tel3path at 3:13 PM on July 28, 2010 [5 favorites]

Find something that you like, or think you might like, and really throw yourself into it. Just all the way. Let that be the thing that consumes your every thought (other than the spouse, naturally). Cooking, photography, salt water fish keeping, painting, sculpting, knife-smithing, whatever. Find something that lives in your budget, and really embrace it. Devour every piece of information you can on the subject, talk with others in the hobby, develop contacts, who can give you advice.

Give it six months worth of your life, then step back and see what you've accomplished. Nod, feel satisfied for a minute, and give it another three months, under the condition that you do just a little bit better than than best you've done so far.

Repeat as needed.

Before long, it'll be people coming to you to ask for advice, because you'll be one of the people that others consider an expert.
posted by quin at 3:18 PM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]

Measuring yourself against other people is always a road to misery. There will always be someone better than you at some part of your life. If you are the richest person in the world, there will be someone else who has a better love life. If you are the world's most accomplished scientist, there will be someone else who is more famous. If you are the world's most famous person, there will be someone who is more emotionally mature. If you have the world's best relationships, there will be someone else who drives a nicer car.

If you persist in measuring yourself against other people, then no matter how much you have, you will always want more. The game is unwinnable. You must find a different way to measure your success.

Measure yourself only against yourself. Make an emotionally-detached, brutally honest appraisal of yourself and your life. When I did this, I discovered that many things I thought I had — I didn't have. And that many things I thought I lacked — I had. Once you know where you are, decide where you want to go. And then immediately begin taking action to get there. It does not matter if you don't know what the best action is. Almost any action is better than none. If you are on the wrong course, you will discover that before long, and then you will have more information about what the right course is.

Whenever you find yourself wanting for what other people have, re-frame that in your mind: "Am I a better person today than I was yesterday?" If so, then you should feel happy and accomplished. If not, then do not judge yourself harshly. Accept the truth without emotional attachment, and ask "What must I do, and what must I stop doing—right now—to make myself a better person tomorrow?"

Take 100% responsibility for your life.

You have no control over other people, you cannot change the past, and you do not know the future. But you always get to decide what you will do, right now. When your mind wanders into unhappy memories of the past or anxious worries about the future, you must remember this. Return your mind to the present, and take 100% responsibility for where you are going.
posted by brain at 3:26 PM on July 28, 2010 [11 favorites]

Stop bitching about the shitty life you have and imagine a better vision for your life.
Start building that vision.
posted by Theloupgarou at 3:33 PM on July 28, 2010

Also...


Strive for happiness, not "accomplishment". Try to do what you enjoy and enjoy what you must do.

Not all "accomplished"/"successful" people are happy, which makes their accomplishments and success kind of worthless. Follow your happiness and you will have direction. You may not be able to plan the next 15 years but you can certainly strive for the next 15 days and go from there.

(Sorry if this is redundant- haven't read all responses)
posted by xm at 4:36 PM on July 28, 2010

Most people seem to hide from that feeling by having children.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:18 PM on July 28, 2010 [3 favorites]

I want to read a book about historical recipes of many cultures, written by someone who tests them out and then offers a simplified version using readily-available ingredients. I'd even like to read a book about the cultural differences between popular cuts of meat over time.

I also want to read a book about tracking the DNA of long-surviving strains of sourdough starter to give a different, matrilineal view of North American westward migration and women's culture (ooh, there's a title, even).

When I read what you wrote about your interests and skills, I immediately wanted to know if you thought someone could make an interesting book out of any of these. Maybe you can't write a book, but you could collect and curate a set of traditional recipes online, or take a commercial cooking course, or start a co-op meal prep night for people in your neighbourhood.
posted by Sallyfur at 9:03 PM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

>I find myself thinking I'm lucky that my spouse makes enough, because obviously I won't ever get a proper job

I think you might have a mental filter problem. Your mental filter probably needs to be addressed a bit.

The input is good (your circumstances aren't exactly dire, really), but the output is super-negative.

I recommend working through this workbook (bad title, good book).

Therapy should really help, too, if you can find a therapist that's a match for you.

Good luck! A lot of people have successfully solved this problem for themselves. There is hope.
posted by circular at 9:43 PM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

Non-entities unite!

When I dwell on this stuff I simply remember how fast life goes by. Time is going by so fast that I've come to realize that I'll be dead before I know it. In the end we're all pretty much just stones with names on 'em in a cemetery (or some similar variation). When someone sees the stone over my "earthly remains" they'll have no idea how much or how little I accomplished. Solves the problem for me. Sometimes mortality can be comforting.
posted by InsertNiftyNameHere at 12:48 AM on July 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

i used to feel this way. then i just stopped comparing myself to everyone else. they were living the lives that we grew up thinking we were supposed to have (house, car, kids, boat if we're lucky, maybe a cabin up north, more kids, etc). they were "successful" because they had all that and they had secure jobs. i was not successful. but then i realized, i didn't want ANY of that. not one bit. i didn't want that life, so getting it would really be a success.

somehow, i rewired my brain and figured out that it was more important that i was happyish than earning tons of money, or fitting other people's definitions of success.

you have a loving spouse, and that is a lot more than some people have. you have a job of some kind, try to make friends with some of your coworkers. you have some interests, so go join a club or take a class in one of those interests and meet some people there. go to a mefi meetup and make some mefi friends.

if it's important to you to travel, save up money all year and go on one big awesome trip a year. don't waste money on shoes and cable and take out.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 1:00 AM on July 29, 2010

I am very impressed by all the excelelnt answers given above, and I agree with everybody. I do want to add one point of my own. You mention that you are also unhappy to discover that you don't believe in God, and that life makes even less sense as a result. I too do not believe in God and my only emotional reaction to this is that I am happy to have avoided being deceived by the various self-serving mythologies that are so widespread in our superstitious world. The fact that you do not believe in God means that you have at least some understanding (and given your training in science, probably quite a good understanding) of critical thinking. This is a good thing. And what about the meaning of life? People do not need an external supernatural power to give meaning to their lives. You are the one who gives meaning to your own life. Or perhaps I should say, you and your spouse. If you haven't heard it, listen to the song "God" by John Lennon. It ends with the very poignant observation "I just believe in me, Yoko and me. That's reality." Believe in yourself.
posted by grizzled at 6:27 AM on July 29, 2010

Everyone who participates in the achievements race loses. The only measure of a successful life is ones own personal happiness. The only external measure of success which really matters is a smile.

You ARE something. You are by definition NOT a nonentity. You are a loving beautiful human being with infinite potential. I urge you, take a deep breath. Feel the air, being pulled softly into your body, giving you life. Life which is yours, yours to do anything with.

Go outside, take a walk, breathe, revel in your potential.

You are the guardian of your mind, the king of your consciousness. As king, it is your duty to defend against negativity, to rouse the soldiers of positivity, to lead them on the battlefield of the present moment. No one is responsible for your own happiness, and happiness is something you have to fight for with every single breath.

Stop thinking so much and start being happy.
posted by satori_movement at 12:26 PM on July 29, 2010 [3 favorites]

I'm a nonentity raised with high expectations. I got involved in activism and have wound up saving a couple of refugee families from being deported. No matter what else I do or don't do, I did that. So go save some refugees. Bonus: you speak Spanish. Double bonus: refugees will often bring you delicious food.
posted by By The Grace of God at 7:51 AM on July 30, 2010 [1 favorite]