Why am I sad when I learn if a girl I like has had more sex than me?

July 28, 2010 12:33 PM

Why am I overcome with feelings of disappointment when I learn that a girl that I like has had a higher number of sexual partners than me?

23 year old male here, and before anyone decides to get outraged let me preface this by announcing that I do consider myself a feminist and sex positive, having taken many gender related courses in college. I do not think less of someone, male or female, who has slept with a higher-than-average number of people, and I especially do not believe that it makes a woman a “slut” or “loose” or less worthy of a person. I’ve always openly spoken out against those who do partake in this kind of slut-shaming because I think it’s sexist and unfair. I should also note (so that you all can better evaluate this situation) that I’ve probably had sex about 20 or 25 times in my entire life, with 3 different partners, though I am comfortable with this as I don’t believe in evaluating someone based on their “number” - or at least I don't want to.

So… why is it that when I learn that a girl that I’m dating, or even just have a thing for, has slept with significantly more people than me…I get this completely visceral feeling of disappointment? For the record, I never ask for this information, but it has come up in casual or group conversations before. It doesn’t stop me from being attracted to the person, and as I noted earlier I don’t think less of them and would never for such a frivolous reason. Intellect and logic in my brain tells me that it doesn’t and shouldn’t matter, but there it is, the feeling of disappointment just pops up deep in my gut. It’s not even like I’m disappointed in them, it’s just this unexplainable feeling of being disappointed sitting there in my stomach. It fades away after a day or two, but it’s pretty unpleasant. Whether I actually AM disappointed, I can’t even tell because I don’t know why I would be disappointed about this.

I’ve certainly given it a lot of thought. Maybe I’m insecure about my lack of experience and am now intimidated that they have a higher number of partners to compare me to, thus creating a higher chance of me leaving them unsatisfied – but that just seems unrealistic. I’ve also thought that maybe it’s just jealousy – that when I like a girl there’s this part of me that’s excited to share new sexual experiences together and now I’m under the impression that they’ve pretty much seen it all and will have a more blasé attitude towards sex than I will – but I realize that’s an unfair assumption to make. Maybe some of these are the direct reasons why I’m feeling this, or maybe I’m still off the mark. But despite all of this soul searching and trying to recognize these irrational feelings, they still just show up like this unwanted guest when I hear that their “number” is higher than I expected it to be. Even worse (and I’m gonna get yelled at for this, I know) usually that number just has to be over 8 or 9 people (which to a lot of people is pretty average, I know). I’m not supposed to believe in this “number” business, SO WHY DO I CARE??!! If there was a switch, I’d totally turn this off.

I figure that I can’t possibly be the only guy who gets this feeling – refer to the 37 dicks bit in “Clerks” if you don’t think this is common among insecure men, though I do realize this most likely goes both ways (I apologize for making this all sound like this is something only guys can experience toward women, I am aware this isn’t the case). But I feel like I should be past this! So to both guys and girls – have you ever had this same hang up about your own partners or crushes, and if so, why did you think you felt that way and how did you get the fuck over it?



^{*I anticipate being told I simply need to have more sex…if only it were that easy.}

posted by anonymous to human relations (39 answers total)

I imagine regardless of how actively feminist and sex positive you are, you still grew up in a not-feminist, not-sex positive society that tells you that women who have lots of partners are sluts.

Being feminist* is a process- it's about you processing what society says, what parts of society you contain, and those you wish to actively eradicate from yourself. It's not enlightenment, and it's not "Oh, I've taken some courses and I'm done now." It's actively thinking about how you encounter women and the world, and actively challenging both if you need to..

So congratulations- you're actively questioning this thing society put in you. That's how you get past it- by saying, "Self, this is messed up" and working on getting past it.

(*Insert also "not racist, not homophobic, not-ablist, etc., etc., etc..)
posted by headspace at 12:38 PM on July 28, 2010 [11 favorites]

Maybe it would help if you better understood the statistics?
posted by milarepa at 12:39 PM on July 28, 2010 [12 favorites]

I suspect it's less related to the slut factor and rooted more in the anxiety of being expected to sexually please someone who has had a MUCH broader basis for comparison than you have.
posted by hermitosis at 12:43 PM on July 28, 2010 [10 favorites]

I would like you to realize that sex tends to be enjoyable regardless of the experience or inexperience of the people engaging in it. Sex connects to what is probably our deepest evolutionary urge. If you are not that good at playing the piano, perhaps you need more practice before you play for an audience. If you are not that good at having sex, who cares, it will be terrific anyway, you beautiful creature, you.

I personally never talk to anyone about how many sexual partners I have had, nor do I care in the slightest how many partners anyone else has had. That is strictly their own business. To me it is irrelevant. But if you insist, the number in my case is 4. And I am 58 years old.
posted by grizzled at 12:43 PM on July 28, 2010 [3 favorites]

I think even people who speak out as feminists, are great advocates for women, and are generally sex-positive can still have some left-over baggage from hearing messages about women and sexuality via the media. It doesn't make your efforts to be sex-positive, pro-women any less sincere, but I think if maybe you are a little more honest with yourself it's possible that you might be slightly judgmental about this issue. It doesn't make you a sexist monster or anything like that, but it just shows a little internalized sexism perhaps. If that is in there somewhere, I would suggest confronting that head-on.

You might be feeling some guilt that gets in the way of seeing this clearly -- guilt for not being as "good" of a feminist as you want to be (whatever that means). Cut yourself some slack, let go of the guilt, think about where you get these ideas from, and every time you think about this just say "This is internalized nonsense."

It's also possible that there's some jealously here -- not even just not being the first for some things, but when you think about someone's number you can't help but think about them having sex with those other people, and that can make you feel jealous.
posted by superlibby at 12:44 PM on July 28, 2010

I'm not a guy, and I'm not familiar with this particular feeling, BUT:

I think it's great that you're really investigating this feeling and trying to figure out what it means. Unfortunately, often our feelings about sex/love/romance don't neatly correspond to our political beliefs about same. I've learned that the best way to deal with "politically incorrect" emotions about things like this is to first just to accept that that's how you feel. Respect your feelings but also respect the fact that they aren't necessarily rational and don't need to be acted on. Often unhealthy feelings are easier to let go of if you acknowledge them and move on.
posted by lunasol at 12:45 PM on July 28, 2010 [9 favorites]

Maybe you're envious of their wider experience. Maybe you're worried that the more people a partner has to compare you to, the less impressive your performance will seem.

Or maybe your gender-related college courses didn't really change your beliefs.
posted by timeistight at 12:45 PM on July 28, 2010

heh, I get the feeling that it has to do with a few things (note: I'm female and have had a number of partners who feel the same as you). One, no one wants to "measure up" to someone's past - some women don't like it when their partners have had an extensive past because they're afraid they may not be the best of the best, and if they're not then they'll always suffer by comparison. Also, jealousy, some people prefer to be "the only one" in their partner's life - even though they logically know that their partner has a past, they don't want to know about it (which is why some people don't like it when their partner brings up past partners *at all*). Plus as previously pointed out, it's just the way our society works, even though we like to think we're forward thinking, we're still brought up that men can have a lot of partners but women should save themselves for love and marriage least they be labeled as sluts.
posted by patheral at 12:46 PM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]

In my experience, it's part-and-parcel of being 23 and having had three partners. I was pretty much where you were when I was that age and I couldn't help feeling the same way. Knowing that a girlfriend had been with more men than I had women was hard to take. And I didn't know why. All I can tell you is that it faded with age for me.

I think it was a mixture of my maturing more and eventually having been with enough women myself that it now doesn't matter how many guys a partner has been with. But I can tell you that, as far as my experience goes, it fades away to non-issue eventually.
posted by fso at 12:46 PM on July 28, 2010

I'm with someone right now who is pretty "upset" about the number of exes I have.
I obviously cannot change that I have been with people before him.

So, basically, anytime I tell a story that may involve an ex I just substitute it with a female's name.

I think his issue is more of jealousy or fear of me "going back" to one of them. He sometimes will give off hints that he feels insecure and that he isn't as awesome as a person as some of my exes have been (pffft).

Anyway, with my first couple of relationships (mainly my first serious one), I dated someone that only had one ex. And, at first, that was scary to me because I had never been with anyone and I wanted to be on the "same page". I was 19 at the time. I remember asking questions about her appearance/lifestyle so I could compare myself to her. This went away after about 5 months.
I don't remember having anymore issues with anyone's past after that, though. I guess I stopped caring.

I think it's something you get over after a few relationships.
posted by KogeLiz at 12:53 PM on July 28, 2010

Well, the evolutionary explanation would be pretty straightforward. Men evolve to want to do things that will pass on their genes to future generations -- namely, impregnating women. Since a woman can only get pregnant at a maximum of 9 month intervals (unlike men, who can go around furiously competing to reproduce as often as they can have sex), there's intense competition among men to try to impregnate women. Men also evolve to want to have a high level of certainty that any child they're raising is going to be his, not some other man's (so he doesn't waste his time investing in child-rearing with no evolutionary pay-off to him). This explains why men tend to prize virginity/chastity and look down on women who have sex with lots of different men. (I'm not saying it's only men who do this, but you're asking about male, not female, psychology.) It's a biological impulse that precedes the cultural ideas you're talking about; culture dumbly follows along with biology.

Even if you rationally believe that she's going to be monogamous with you and that her sex history is in the past, you're still suddenly forced to confront the idea of her having sex with lots of other men, which is unpleasant to you for the above reasons. (Your emotions respond directly to those images without taking care to put everything into a neat, rational, chronological order.) The more of those men there are, the more threatening they are to you in the race to reproduce.

(None of what I've said depends on having a conscious desire to have kids, and it applies even if everyone concerned is meticulous in using contraception. If any of this strikes you as counterintuitive, I recommend reading the chapter on men and women in Robert Wright's The Moral Animal.)

None of this necessarily justifies any of your thoughts. You asked for an explanation, not a justification, so there you go.
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:57 PM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]

You could numb yourself to it by raising it up a notch. Date a woman who has been with more women than you have.

Then take a deep breath and repeat "there must be something worthwhile about me" because she's picked you.
posted by adipocere at 1:00 PM on July 28, 2010

My first thought was jealousy. But not that you're jealous of her previous partners, but that you're jealous of HER. She's had lots of sex, and sex is fun, so it's pretty natural to be jealous.
posted by medusa at 1:00 PM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]

You've grown up in a society that's programmed you to feel that way, even if you don't think that way. Good job for identifying it, it's your first step toward defeating it.
posted by Jon_Evil at 1:01 PM on July 28, 2010

Maybe it doesn't matter why you feel that way, as long as you can replace your negative visceral feelings with ones that are more positive. For example: As a man, it can be really good to be with someone more experienced. Someone who knows what she wants and is assertive enough to ask for it. Or you can feel positive that she lives life the way she wants, and not according to restrictive traditional notions of gender. Basically, I'm suggesting that you use self talk to convince yourself of positive associations to "having a high number".
posted by sesquipedalian at 1:08 PM on July 28, 2010

You know, it could be that sexism has absolutely nothing to do with this.

Maybe you consider yourself a person of discernment, someone who is very particular in his likes and dislikes, who he associates with, the choices he makes.

When you are introduced to a woman who has slept with a lot of men (a lot being a subjective number, of course), you are disappointed because you feel that she hasn't been particular when it comes to sexual partners.

Let's face it, many women could have sex more often if we chose to. Men, too. Is your personal result of having only a few partners so far a matter of lack of opportunity or conscious choice?

If the latter, you would naturally prefer your partner show some discretion, as well.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and suggest that you just want someone who is as choosy as you are. Someone who opts for fewer, monogamous relationships over more frequent casual sexual encounters. And that's your choice, and it's okay.
posted by misha at 1:26 PM on July 28, 2010 [7 favorites]

Let's face it, there's something comfy about the idea of someone who you are on a similar level with. It would be something for you to bond over together. Finding this out about someone adds an element of other-ness to them that, while no deal-breaker, can be sort of a bummer. Add to that the anxiety of having to perform according to someone else's very experienced standards and you've got yourself in a paroxysm of disappointment. You know it fades, that's the important part.
posted by hermitosis at 1:31 PM on July 28, 2010 [2 favorites]

Possibly you take it to mean her (potential/actual) attraction to you isn't exactly earthshaking for her. You want her to get butterflies and go weak in the knees when she looks at you, presumably as you do when you look at her. Your disappointment is realizing that this isn't very likely.
posted by AlsoMike at 1:33 PM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

Wild guess: It makes you think they're too cool for you. It ain't hip to be square anymore, unfortunately for some of us.
posted by Nixy at 1:37 PM on July 28, 2010

I always suggest the book, "The Ethical Slut" for questions of this type. Not a real intellectual tour de force, but it can give you a great perspective on this stuff.
posted by txmon at 1:37 PM on July 28, 2010

I would hazard a guess that learning of her sexual experience points out your lack of experience. It puts your relatively low numbers of partners and encounters into a starker contrast, possibly making you feel inadequate, less masculine or somehow sub-normal.
posted by spaltavian at 2:08 PM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

Here's something to think about. As inexperienced as you are, you can still be the best lover any woman has ever had if you generous, fun and willing in bed. Trust me on this. Experience is over-rated, attitude is not.
posted by Kerasia at 2:22 PM on July 28, 2010 [4 favorites]

33 year old male here. I've been dating my now fiancee for over 2 years. I've had 2 sexual partners in my life, one of whom was my wife of 10 years. She has had quite a few more than me. Do I dislike the thought of the person I am involved with has had previous partners? Hell yes. Was I intimidated by her number? Absolutely. (Especially when I know one of them was hung like a friggin horse or so I hear). Did it take time for me to get over that? Yes.

If it's just a crush and you don't doing anything to stop her from having any other partner than you then I say it's your bad and you can't complain. If you are in a relationship that is getting serious then you should be able to talk to her about this. What it came down to for me is that it was BEFORE me. How can I be upset with something that I had no control over. It was selfish and stupid and childish. I can't get mad at her for living her life and enjoying sex because sex can be fun and obviously it feels great. I'm just happy that I'm the one pleasing her now. :)

All that said you might want to consider a don't ask don't tell policy. In the end that "number" is irrelevant. My fiancee has two boys with her ex-husband and I sometimes still joke with her that she was a virgin when we met. I think in general men have the expectation that the woman they are attracted to are virigin unicorns waiting for us to be their only "number". Sadly that's not life and I think that you'll need to come to grips with that.
posted by ThomasBrobber at 2:29 PM on July 28, 2010

I don't think this is necessarily something to judge yourself about. There's something to the whole "discovering things together" thing (I lost my virginity to a woman with lots and lots and lots of experience, and even today, many years later, I remember the "let's try X interesting-seeming thing!" "naah, done that, not exciting" exchanges with disappointment.), and even to the comparison thing. As long as you aren't judging them (i.e., slut-shaming), why shouldn't you just accept the feelings?
posted by paultopia at 2:32 PM on July 28, 2010

I would suggest that this feeling has nothing to do with the women directly, but with your own consideration of their experience level relative to yours, and of course the experience level of their partners compared to yours, and of course it makes your status as a sexual partner seem a little less special and unique.

But, really, this stuff is all about you and your insecurities. You can be a feminist and sex-positive and still feel this way, because it's not unlike finding out a coworker who is up for the same job as you has more experience and more knowledge -- it's not an emotional state specific to romantic relationships.

Oh, and finally: I've been with partners with more experience, less experienced, and roughly the same. It really doesn't matter anywhere near as much as how GGG your partner is, and you are. Confidence is sexy, and helps you be GGG, so you go right on having the feeling -- but don't bother talking about it, just file it away as a feeling you're having and get right on with the things you and your partner are doing.

Also:

and even today, many years later, I remember the "let's try X interesting-seeming thing!" "naah, done that, not exciting" exchanges with disappointment.

Yeah, that's not a GGG partner. A good partner wants to try new things, even if they're not new to them, so that they can enjoy the pleasure of your excitement.
posted by davejay at 3:21 PM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

As inexperienced as you are, you can still be the best lover any woman your partner has ever had if you generous, fun and willing in bed.

Quoted for truth, although edited for neutrality.
posted by davejay at 3:22 PM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

I had this same thing, young, got it beaten out of me by losing a love I couldn't afford to lose because of it. (Benjamin Franklin: That which hurts, instructs.) I've heard from lots of other guys who've had the same thing. One guy I mentored, it just Tore. Him. Up. (as it did me) to know that the woman he really, really loved had been with *any* other guy, much less more than one, though he really focused on one guy that she'd been with, regardless she totally was nuts for this kid. It's like he thought that women have an odometer on them, and wanted to drive her off the showroom floor. I'd tell him that I'd never seen an odometer on any woman, that they're just breathing people, same as we are, though more prone to underpants with flowers on them, and less prone toward scratching. And I'd point out the inconsistency of thinking that she should be pure as the driven snow whilst he was a total dog, and he could see it, and understand it, but it's a long, long distance from head to heart. In time, he did make it.

My initial thought, on seeing your question, is that you're just going to have to grow through this. Takes some time, more for some than others.

And: It's just ever so much fun to get naked with someone, but not always ever so much fun to get naked emotionally. If you're just rolling around with some gal or other and it's all fun and games, hey, no problem. But when it starts to get real, and you're really opening up to someone, it's the difference of playing for buttons vs playing for big bucks. You can get hurt here. You can lose, big. You can win big, too. Either way, it's the real deal. And some'll say that hey, no big deal, you're just getting laid, it's just sex, but it isn't for me, not anymore; I sortof had to grow to a place where it was just sex, but anymore sex is not just fun and games, anymore it's capital L love.

And she's maybe played this thing for money more than you have, and can trifle with you if she wants to; you've got to trust her. It's scary as hell. It's scary as hell anyways, this live ammo thing. We're all just staggering around out here, looking for warmth and love, and we want to get there safely, but you've got to open yourself to get the goods, you can't always get there safely.

Anyways. Time, and experience, is what it is. And no, not (necessarily) experience with more women, just more life experience. There isn't any odometer. Learn to let it go. Tell your next partner about it, open up to her, show her your scared, proud heart, let her in.
posted by dancestoblue at 3:30 PM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

A lot of people are talking about jealousy as if it's an unusual emotion or one you should be ashamed of. But consider the number of people who, when in serious romantic relationships, also choose to make them exclusive sexual relationships. Why do you suppose that is? I think it's not so unusual for people to dislike the thought of their partner having sex with other people.

So maybe you're a bit more sensitive than normal to that jealousy - but some jealousy is normal, and you get over it in a day or two. I think you've already got things under control.
posted by Mike1024 at 3:39 PM on July 28, 2010

I AM OUTRAGED!

(Just kidding).

I personally get this sinking, horrible gut feeling if I don't feel special. Like I'll never be their one and only,* like their relationship with me will be low-stakes to them, like I will always like them more, or like I'm replaceable. It's exacerbated when it's someone I'm really into but I'm not sure where I stand with them. Seems to be insecurity and even a little sadness or grief that we'll never have something special...there will never be that potential for us...of course in some ways that's bullshit. In some ways it's not. I will never be my boyfriend's first love, you know?

I've slept with my share of sexually inexperience men and been a few men's first love, and I don't get the same feeling.

Maybe it's possessiveness more than insecurity? Maybe both? Feelings are complex and difficult to label.

I get over it by getting to know where I fit in their life and in their heart. There will never be another me. There will never be another us--we are special to each other because of who we are and how we interact, not by default or because we don't have much to compare each other to. Their love is not scarce--they didn't use it up--they still have enough to give me.

Most of this is predicated on us forming a successful relationship, of course.

Of course this feeling still happens sometimes. It seems to be one of those feelings that pops up no matter what and I just have to roll with it and avoid doing anything stupid. Maybe listen to some dramatic music until I chill out a bit.

You seem to be compounding your problem by feeling guilty about your feelings. That's a fool's game, man. You're doing your best. Feel how you feel. Behave yourself, of course, but give yourself a break. It's okay to be upset.


*I'm happily non-monogamous but sometimes this still hurts. Also, evopsych is hilariously inept at predicting the actual form that non-monogamy takes in feminist, sex-positive communities. I know plenty of men who are cool with their female partners having other partners at the same time! Sperm competition o noes!
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 3:55 PM on July 28, 2010 [3 favorites]

"And she's maybe played this thing for money more than you have, and can trifle with you if she wants to; you've got to trust her. It's scary as hell. "

YES. This is an excellent point, and this particular fear is definitely something I've experienced in this same context.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 3:59 PM on July 28, 2010

If it were anxiety or jealousy, wouldn't you be feeling pangs of anxiety or jealousy? You can't explain your feeling, but you did identify it clearly as disappointment. Disappointment arises when you find that reality differs from your expectations in a negative way. The simplest explanation is that part of you expected her to be more "pure," and it makes sense that this could be caused unconsciously by all of the messages society gives you. There is often a large disconnect between conscious thoughts and un/sub-conscious feelings.
posted by whatnotever at 6:05 PM on July 28, 2010

I'm a female and I've had that feeling once before, so I don't think it's because you are sexist. For me, it happened when someone shared their number... and it was three digits. Three! Digits! I didn't feel very special at all. I was (at that time) at the end of a very long line of people who had traveled that way before me. I'd even run into people who had been ahead of me in that line, and we'd both know about that cute, sexy thing he does. How awkward is that?

So, maybe it's because it makes you feel less special. I don't know, but I can tell you how I deal with it now. When a conversation first veers into that direction, I tell the person that I seriously, never, ever want to know their number. If pressed, I admit that I'm not good at handling that information. Problem solved.
posted by Houstonian at 6:49 PM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

It's ok to have contradictory and even hypocritical feelings. It's not "sex-negative" (or whatever the opposite of sex-positive is) to want a partner with a comparable amount of sexual experience to your own, any more than it would be if you wanted a partner of comparable age or background or religion.

I think you should listen to your gut -- my sense is that you are letting your intellectual and political beliefs (eg "sex-positive") override your actual feelings. It's a lot better to listen to your gut and take a break from these situations than it is to either force yourself to pretend that everything is ok, or (worse) express those negative feelings towards the poor person who merely admitted her sexual experience to you.

And it's totally ok (and not sex-negative at all) to want (and to find a partner who also wants) to start a relationship with a "clean slate" -- knowing that you both have sexual pasts, but not discussing those pasts in detail at all. You are entitled to your privacy, and there are people who want their own privacy, too.

I anticipate being told I simply need to have more sex…if only it were that easy.

It's maybe not easy to have more sex at the drop of a hat, but once you have all that more sex I think these feelings will be easier to put in context and deal with. So yeah, have more sex. Lots and lots of hot sex... with someone who makes you feel good about the experience and honors your feelings in every way.
posted by Forktine at 6:57 PM on July 28, 2010

Reiterating what others have said:

Male here. Like you, I consider myself very progressive with respect to gender equality, sexual freedom, etc. Nevertheless, I have had sexual jealousy hangups related to my partners' previous conquests in every relationship I've had. This is something you just have to get over. You shouldn't rule out potential partners just because they are more experienced than you. Your feelings are irrational but VERY common. As you get older/more sexual experience/more sexual confidence, it will become much less of an issue. Hang in there. Moreover, in my experience, once a relationship start to push into long term duration any earlier jealousy issues go away: if those previous guys were so great why is she sticking with you?

I would recommend the "don't ask, don't tell" policy, but it never works in any relationship that lasts more than an instant. This information always comes out.
posted by SugarFreeGum at 7:20 PM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think that age may be a factor here as well as sexual experience. Sex with different people is different. There's no such thing as having "done it all" because the sexual relationship between any two people is going to be unique to them in some ways. It's not all about repeating the same thing with different people.

I'm a female who's had a LOT of sexual partners and found something in all of them which defined that particular relationship and made it different from the others. It's also entirely possible to be technically skilled in bed but be a bad lover and/or an unpleasant human being - I don't think people remember that when they are bothered by their lover's past.

You'll probably find that your perspective changes as you get older. In middle age I've found that very few people even ask about numbers and that even fewer are surprised by double digits. I think that in youth we are often more concerned about how other people will react to our choice of partner than we are as we get older - especially when the issue of having a family is on the table.
posted by Lolie at 7:27 PM on July 28, 2010 [1 favorite]

For what its worth, in my experience the more partners a woman has had, the worse she was in bed. It seems counter-intuitive but others have observed it as well. Enthusiasm and dedication are 100x better than experience.
posted by CautionToTheWind at 1:44 AM on July 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

It just sounds to me like you're still in the early stages of understanding sex. Like, you're still counting the times you've done it, vs the partners. At a certain point, you will lose count of how many times you've done the deed, and possibly of how many partners you've had. Because it doesn't matter.

Sex is different for every two people who come together. OK, it's similar, yes, but there are a lot of variables, that make every experience, even with the same partner, distinct.

I congratulate you for exploring this, you are on the right track. Obviously, something is going on in your head, and you will figure it out.

I'd like to suggest learning more about sexual experiences, either by reading, or talking to some female friends about their sexual histories. Reality is different from whatever is provoking your discomfort. Do some investigation, learn more about what is out there and what people do. Real information will change your perspective. Having sex is not the only way to learn about it.

Also, I have to confess, I've never had any hangup about previous partners of my partners. I just assume that 1)they've had sex 2)probably with several partners or more 3)and that we can probably show each other a thing or two.

Sex is really fun, and wonderful, and healthy, and natural. I really liked what grizzled wrote about "our deepest evolutionary urge" - it doesn't get any more human than that.
posted by Locochona at 10:25 AM on July 29, 2010

There are a few different ways to look at this feeling and possible explanations.

1) She's out of my league. It's the "experience = skill" fallacy. I have had some partners who were not that great, but had considerably more partners and/or encounters than I'd had.

2) I'm not that special because she'd sleep with anybody. Hopefully not literally true, and even if she has slept with a higher-than-average number of people, that doesn't say anything about you in particular. Some people may need to try out a number of different people before they find a lover that they're really compatible with.

3) (for an unconsummated crush) If she doesn't want to sleep with me, then I'm really not special. Again, this could be someone who has had to learn from experience who they really want to be with, and they may be eliminating you for reasons that have nothing to do with intrinsic self-worth.
posted by Deja Stu at 1:48 PM on July 30, 2010

I can relate, and I think the disappointment is regret for not having had more sex in the past. If you're with a girl who has had more sex than you, then you would still be with her if you had slightly more sex than her. You probably feel powerless for not being able to get as much good sex as you want. I think the solution is to keep being a fun and good person and keep having the relationships you want until you feel confident in your attractiveness. (I'm not there yet either.)
posted by sninctown at 6:05 AM on June 17, 2011