Sexually repressed and tired of it
July 25, 2010 1:02 PM Subscribe
How can I overcome my sexual repression and fear of intimacy?
Even though I'm 24 and have been in several serious relationships, I'm still disturbingly squeamish about sex.
I've never got over my initial revulsion at the sight of a penis, and still find them ugly and gross (apologies for putting it so crudely), no matter how hot I otherwise find the guy. I don't have a high sex drive, am a huge prude, and almost needless to say, a virgin. And I'm scared of physical intimacy. When I'm in bed with a guy and he gets excited, it makes me feel embarrassed and uncomfortable, both on his behalf and mine, and I totally shut down. The whole thing just seems so... raw, primitive, personal and uninhibited. For a guarded and insecure person like myself, it's kind of scary. To enjoy sex, I would have to relinquish a certain sense of self-control and propriety, but I just can't bring myself to let anyone see me or be close to me in that way. Also, although I get a lot of compliments on my body, I'm self-conscious about a large birthmark on my back that's usually hidden from view, and ever since my first boyfriend in 10th grade commented tactlessly on it, I'm always apprehensive about letting anyone see it. It feels like having to break an ugly secret to someone that could be a basis for rejection and is defintely a factor in my fear of getting naked in front of others.
I hope this question doesn't come off as flippant, because I'm painfully aware how uptight and abnormal my views on sex are, and it's really something I want to change. I sincerely think I'm ready to have sex, but I just can't seem to get past all these mental blocks that've been ingrained in me for so long and have become almost habit. My friends have tried to be encouraging (giving me vibrators and porn for example that I hardly ever use) but by now they mostly just pity me for missing out. I keep thinking if the right guy comes along who I can both completely trust and find 100% physically/sexually compatible, everything will just fall into place. But that seems unrealistic; I want to be more open to sex in general instead of pinning my expectations on some hypothetical idealized person.
I don't know what deep-rooted issues all this stems from, because I didn't have a particularly conservative upbringing, nor was I ever sexually abused. It's kind of a mystery, really.
I'm open to any insights and suggestions (except therapy, which I can't afford right now). Thank you for your help!
Even though I'm 24 and have been in several serious relationships, I'm still disturbingly squeamish about sex.
I've never got over my initial revulsion at the sight of a penis, and still find them ugly and gross (apologies for putting it so crudely), no matter how hot I otherwise find the guy. I don't have a high sex drive, am a huge prude, and almost needless to say, a virgin. And I'm scared of physical intimacy. When I'm in bed with a guy and he gets excited, it makes me feel embarrassed and uncomfortable, both on his behalf and mine, and I totally shut down. The whole thing just seems so... raw, primitive, personal and uninhibited. For a guarded and insecure person like myself, it's kind of scary. To enjoy sex, I would have to relinquish a certain sense of self-control and propriety, but I just can't bring myself to let anyone see me or be close to me in that way. Also, although I get a lot of compliments on my body, I'm self-conscious about a large birthmark on my back that's usually hidden from view, and ever since my first boyfriend in 10th grade commented tactlessly on it, I'm always apprehensive about letting anyone see it. It feels like having to break an ugly secret to someone that could be a basis for rejection and is defintely a factor in my fear of getting naked in front of others.
I hope this question doesn't come off as flippant, because I'm painfully aware how uptight and abnormal my views on sex are, and it's really something I want to change. I sincerely think I'm ready to have sex, but I just can't seem to get past all these mental blocks that've been ingrained in me for so long and have become almost habit. My friends have tried to be encouraging (giving me vibrators and porn for example that I hardly ever use) but by now they mostly just pity me for missing out. I keep thinking if the right guy comes along who I can both completely trust and find 100% physically/sexually compatible, everything will just fall into place. But that seems unrealistic; I want to be more open to sex in general instead of pinning my expectations on some hypothetical idealized person.
I don't know what deep-rooted issues all this stems from, because I didn't have a particularly conservative upbringing, nor was I ever sexually abused. It's kind of a mystery, really.
I'm open to any insights and suggestions (except therapy, which I can't afford right now). Thank you for your help!
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
in order to know if the guy is compatible, you need to try it.
Get a bit drunk and let him know about your reservations, if he is the one, he'll know how to take you.
posted by uauage at 1:15 PM on July 25, 2010
Get a bit drunk and let him know about your reservations, if he is the one, he'll know how to take you.
posted by uauage at 1:15 PM on July 25, 2010
fuck "get a bit drunk", you need to get hammered and just get it over with. you'll discover that "raw, primitive, personal and uninhibited" is actually totally fun in practice.
posted by nathancaswell at 1:24 PM on July 25, 2010
posted by nathancaswell at 1:24 PM on July 25, 2010
Maybe try some solo action first (if you haven't already). This will help you feel more comfortable with the idea of sex, and more importantly, sexy about your body.
Once you become more comfortable with the idea of sexuality, the rest of the chips should fall. Also, yeah, maybe you're just not into guys. Best of luck.
posted by elder18 at 1:38 PM on July 25, 2010
Once you become more comfortable with the idea of sexuality, the rest of the chips should fall. Also, yeah, maybe you're just not into guys. Best of luck.
posted by elder18 at 1:38 PM on July 25, 2010
"Get hammered and just get it over with" is about the worst advice you could possibly take. Do you want your inhibitions to be lowered to the point where you're not sure what you're doing, may become (from an ethical and, yes, legal standpoint) incapable of giving consent, and you may not remember what happened the next day? If you do manage to remember, how do you think you'll feel about the experience in retrospect? Also, you might hurl all over your partner (cf. Superbad).
posted by AkzidenzGrotesk at 1:41 PM on July 25, 2010 [14 favorites]
posted by AkzidenzGrotesk at 1:41 PM on July 25, 2010 [14 favorites]
Getting drunk and getting together with a guy while having these kinds of feelings is a recipe for disaster. Losing your virginity isn't something to "just get over with."
I would recommend some reading The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex might be able to offer some insights.
I would also try to at home cognitive behavioral therapy. You need to try and change your patterns of thinking if you really want to move past this. For instance, you do lots of "primitive" stuff (think eating in front of others) without freaking out about it. Why is sex different?
posted by Saminal at 1:45 PM on July 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
I would recommend some reading The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex might be able to offer some insights.
I would also try to at home cognitive behavioral therapy. You need to try and change your patterns of thinking if you really want to move past this. For instance, you do lots of "primitive" stuff (think eating in front of others) without freaking out about it. Why is sex different?
posted by Saminal at 1:45 PM on July 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Trust yourself. It's ok to work through this stuff on your own terms and you don't need some dude to "take" you. It's not repressed or uptight (really fucking hate those terms, btw) to hold out for someone you are attracted to and can trust--it's actually pretty healthy, imho.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 2:01 PM on July 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 2:01 PM on July 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Seconding Cognitive Behavioral Therapy - and therapy in general. Plus side: you clearly already have a handle on the source and/or nature of many of your issues that need resolving. That suggests you have the courage to be introspective - good for you!
And, seconding: "DO NOT LISTEN to the 'get drunk & get it over with' crowd".
They are not understanding, hearing, or considering the extreme discomfort you have with sexuality, genitalia, and intimacy. Your birthmark isn't a problem. Penis shapes aren't the problem. The problem lies within your head; seek there for the solution, too.
Work on it, girl. It's worth it! You are worth it.
posted by IAmBroom at 2:07 PM on July 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
And, seconding: "DO NOT LISTEN to the 'get drunk & get it over with' crowd".
They are not understanding, hearing, or considering the extreme discomfort you have with sexuality, genitalia, and intimacy. Your birthmark isn't a problem. Penis shapes aren't the problem. The problem lies within your head; seek there for the solution, too.
Work on it, girl. It's worth it! You are worth it.
posted by IAmBroom at 2:07 PM on July 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
To help you get over your embarrassment, think about this: the vast majority of people in the world have sex, and most of them like it a lot. We're supposed to like it. Your genitals are just body parts that are designed to do something specific. They are full of nerve endings that respond to pleasurable stimulation. Sexual pleasure is no more or less animal or primitive than is pleasure in eating delicious food. Are you embarrassed of eating? Why should your vagina be more embarrassing than your mouth, or any other body part doing what it was designed to do?
I think some people are ashamed or revolted by genitalia because they think they are not clean, and because they sometimes have a smell. The smell of a vagina or a penis that is healthy and washed regularly isn't a stink, it is a fragrance designed to appeal to the opposite sex. The fragrance can be lessened by washing, if it bothers you. Lots of people shower right before sex and there is nothing wrong with that if it makes you more comfortable. Guys are generally pretty receptive to the request also.
You don't say if you ever feel sexual on your own or if you are orgasmic. But if you aren't, a good first step would be to get in touch with your own sexuality privately, so you can experiment freely without embarrassment. Set aside a couple of periods of time each week to explore your sexuality on your own. Don't wait until you feel like it, you mostly won't feel like it because it makes you uncomfortable. But the best way to get comfortable is through experience.
Read For Yourself and begin experimenting with self-stimulation. This will help you learn what all the fuss is about. Betty Dodson is also great for helping women develop a healthy sexuality.
Try out different types of erotica and see if anything creates a spark for you. There are lots of different kinds of porn. If you're not into penises right now, look for girl-solo video clips. Or girl-on-girl. Maybe dirty stories will turn out to be more your thing. Erotic novels are really in right now, particularly if you like chick-lit or vampire stuff. Romance novels are tried-and-true as well, if you are put off by the lack of a relationship context in porn.
Check out The-Clitoris.com. There is a lot of good basic information there about women's sexuality, and a lot of reader's stories of sexual experiences and masturbation. Hearing realistic accounts of what other people do sexually can really help you to learn to see it as a normal part of life rather than this big scary unknown thing that you feel intimidated by.
And finally... penises are not gross, really they're not. The skin of a cock is soft and velvety and warm, and it's fun to feel it grow as you fondle it. It's not a bit dirty if the guy has showered recently. Also, nutsacks are stretchy and also very entertaining to play with. :) Not scary at all.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:16 PM on July 25, 2010 [3 favorites]
I think some people are ashamed or revolted by genitalia because they think they are not clean, and because they sometimes have a smell. The smell of a vagina or a penis that is healthy and washed regularly isn't a stink, it is a fragrance designed to appeal to the opposite sex. The fragrance can be lessened by washing, if it bothers you. Lots of people shower right before sex and there is nothing wrong with that if it makes you more comfortable. Guys are generally pretty receptive to the request also.
You don't say if you ever feel sexual on your own or if you are orgasmic. But if you aren't, a good first step would be to get in touch with your own sexuality privately, so you can experiment freely without embarrassment. Set aside a couple of periods of time each week to explore your sexuality on your own. Don't wait until you feel like it, you mostly won't feel like it because it makes you uncomfortable. But the best way to get comfortable is through experience.
Read For Yourself and begin experimenting with self-stimulation. This will help you learn what all the fuss is about. Betty Dodson is also great for helping women develop a healthy sexuality.
Try out different types of erotica and see if anything creates a spark for you. There are lots of different kinds of porn. If you're not into penises right now, look for girl-solo video clips. Or girl-on-girl. Maybe dirty stories will turn out to be more your thing. Erotic novels are really in right now, particularly if you like chick-lit or vampire stuff. Romance novels are tried-and-true as well, if you are put off by the lack of a relationship context in porn.
Check out The-Clitoris.com. There is a lot of good basic information there about women's sexuality, and a lot of reader's stories of sexual experiences and masturbation. Hearing realistic accounts of what other people do sexually can really help you to learn to see it as a normal part of life rather than this big scary unknown thing that you feel intimidated by.
And finally... penises are not gross, really they're not. The skin of a cock is soft and velvety and warm, and it's fun to feel it grow as you fondle it. It's not a bit dirty if the guy has showered recently. Also, nutsacks are stretchy and also very entertaining to play with. :) Not scary at all.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:16 PM on July 25, 2010 [3 favorites]
Wow. Ignore the "get drunk" advice.
Your situation is not as rare or weird as you think. Society spreads a lot of negative messages about women and sex (and about men having sex with men, if my gender assumption is incorrect). Sex gets connected with dirtiness vs. cleanliness, with being respected, with being loved, and with having status or power. It connects to all kinds of deep, real human needs. The messages can directly conflict with one another. It's a tough and weird situation, and so naturally, people with a certain temperament, upbringing, and/or values respond by being cautious and unsure, and by closing off. We live (some of us, at least) in a very emotion-repressing society. Rather than learning to know and to be oneself, many people are taught to repress how they really feel and who they really are. They are taught to please others, be nice, be good, keep up appearances, or even be perfect -- or else they aren't good enough and could be unloved and rejected. So, be patient and understanding with this aspect of your personality. Whatever thoughts and approaches to life that are creating your reactions here are likely the same ones that have been useful for you and created success for you in other ways. The more you understand the urge to hold back, the more you can befriend it and know what it's been trying to achieve for you, the easier it will be for you to meet up with it over and over again and slowly ask it to share its power with the side of you that would like to be more open and raw.
I'd encourage you to talk to a therapist about this; this is a classic kind of issue that therapy can help with. You might work on being imperfect, raw, open, and revealing in your daily life as well. (Tell your boss you made a mistake. Ask for help with a project. Admit you feel jealous. Ask to be babied when you're sick. Skip exercise and go to a movie.) You could read about accepting a fuller range of emotions and communicating with others from the belief that you deserve to have your needs and emotions met. You could read sex-positive literature, and begin to imagine yourself as gaining power, happiness, and respect via fully embracing your sexuality. I do think that whenever you're ready to try revealing and unleashing yourself in bed, you might be surprised by how positively a loving partner reacts, but you're under no obligation to do that before you're ready.
Also, a friend was recently telling me that Sexaholics Anonymous (or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, something like that) also has a fair number of members who consider themselves to be "sexual anorexics." She said she got a lot from this book, which I haven't read myself.
posted by salvia at 2:20 PM on July 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
Your situation is not as rare or weird as you think. Society spreads a lot of negative messages about women and sex (and about men having sex with men, if my gender assumption is incorrect). Sex gets connected with dirtiness vs. cleanliness, with being respected, with being loved, and with having status or power. It connects to all kinds of deep, real human needs. The messages can directly conflict with one another. It's a tough and weird situation, and so naturally, people with a certain temperament, upbringing, and/or values respond by being cautious and unsure, and by closing off. We live (some of us, at least) in a very emotion-repressing society. Rather than learning to know and to be oneself, many people are taught to repress how they really feel and who they really are. They are taught to please others, be nice, be good, keep up appearances, or even be perfect -- or else they aren't good enough and could be unloved and rejected. So, be patient and understanding with this aspect of your personality. Whatever thoughts and approaches to life that are creating your reactions here are likely the same ones that have been useful for you and created success for you in other ways. The more you understand the urge to hold back, the more you can befriend it and know what it's been trying to achieve for you, the easier it will be for you to meet up with it over and over again and slowly ask it to share its power with the side of you that would like to be more open and raw.
I'd encourage you to talk to a therapist about this; this is a classic kind of issue that therapy can help with. You might work on being imperfect, raw, open, and revealing in your daily life as well. (Tell your boss you made a mistake. Ask for help with a project. Admit you feel jealous. Ask to be babied when you're sick. Skip exercise and go to a movie.) You could read about accepting a fuller range of emotions and communicating with others from the belief that you deserve to have your needs and emotions met. You could read sex-positive literature, and begin to imagine yourself as gaining power, happiness, and respect via fully embracing your sexuality. I do think that whenever you're ready to try revealing and unleashing yourself in bed, you might be surprised by how positively a loving partner reacts, but you're under no obligation to do that before you're ready.
Also, a friend was recently telling me that Sexaholics Anonymous (or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, something like that) also has a fair number of members who consider themselves to be "sexual anorexics." She said she got a lot from this book, which I haven't read myself.
posted by salvia at 2:20 PM on July 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
1. Low libido. This is a common side-effect of many medications. Are you taking any? It could also be a hormonal thing that you might want to investigate medically. If you think it's one or both of those, talk to your doctor. Or maybe you just haven't been in the mood or met the right guy or whatever; it happens.
2. Ugly dicks. Like any other body part, some people's are just plain fugly, but many aren't. (I'm a bit biased, mind you.) Maybe you've just been seeing duds?
3. Are you gay? Are you sure?
4. Your idea of sex sounds like once it gets going, you'd just sort of corpse out, like sex is something that is simply done to you. It might be more enjoyable if you took some control over the situation and became an active participant.
Mostly, it just sounds like you're getting rushed. It's totally okay to take your time and wait until you're good and ready. It doesn't make you a prude or anything.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:31 PM on July 25, 2010
2. Ugly dicks. Like any other body part, some people's are just plain fugly, but many aren't. (I'm a bit biased, mind you.) Maybe you've just been seeing duds?
3. Are you gay? Are you sure?
4. Your idea of sex sounds like once it gets going, you'd just sort of corpse out, like sex is something that is simply done to you. It might be more enjoyable if you took some control over the situation and became an active participant.
Mostly, it just sounds like you're getting rushed. It's totally okay to take your time and wait until you're good and ready. It doesn't make you a prude or anything.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:31 PM on July 25, 2010
Women, Sex and Addiction (that Salvia mentioned) is pretty good; but Sexual Anorexia and Escape from Intimacy really helped me. I also had a fear of sex and relationships instilled in me growing up (came from dysfunctional family, no history of sexual abuse either), and I saw getting a boyfriend as some kind of "I am worthy" qualifier (did I also mention I had low self-esteem)? In university I was luckily exposed to a pretty sex-positive environment, and I accepted (a little bit!) that I could be someone who could have a relationship. PIV sex was another matter though. I took it REAL slow with the first guy I was with and got some pretty positive experiences out of it (though I didn't actually have PIV sex with him!). Bottom line: get comfortable with your body first. Touch yourself, masturbate, and feel ok doing this. You are not wrong or shameful for enjoying your body. Don't let that 10th grade bf still have power over how you feel about your birthmark. Marks, scars, imperfections are what make bodies beautiful.
posted by foxjacket at 2:56 PM on July 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by foxjacket at 2:56 PM on July 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
Calling sex "raw" and "doing the nasty" surely won't help!!!
Porn can just be a turn-off. Most of it is designed to appeal to men. A lot of it is apparently designed to appeal to jerks. And if the op is straight, there's not much likelihood that watching girl on girl, or girl solo, would help.
FWIW, guys that get too excited too suddenly are SCARY.
posted by serena15221 at 3:01 PM on July 25, 2010
Porn can just be a turn-off. Most of it is designed to appeal to men. A lot of it is apparently designed to appeal to jerks. And if the op is straight, there's not much likelihood that watching girl on girl, or girl solo, would help.
FWIW, guys that get too excited too suddenly are SCARY.
posted by serena15221 at 3:01 PM on July 25, 2010
FWIW, guys that get too excited too suddenly are SCARY.
This is not helpful.
posted by proj at 3:02 PM on July 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
This is not helpful.
posted by proj at 3:02 PM on July 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
I had to get comfortable with myself, and the idea that someone might genuinely find me attractive. All the advice upthread (apart from the get drunk one, dear god, no) is good, and you'll need to find what works for you.
I have an odd outlook on the world, but as soon as I noticed the resemblance between penises and naked mole rats I started to think of them as rather cute really. YMMV.
posted by Coobeastie at 3:12 PM on July 25, 2010
I have an odd outlook on the world, but as soon as I noticed the resemblance between penises and naked mole rats I started to think of them as rather cute really. YMMV.
posted by Coobeastie at 3:12 PM on July 25, 2010
Response by poster: These are the feelings I felt about men and sex before coming out as lesbian, and I have heard similar things from other women-lovin'-women. Remember, it is possible to appreciate someone's attractiveness without being sexually attractive--perhaps that's what's happening with guys?
(Now down the road I discovered guys aren't so bad sometimes but that's a whole other story and actually took work on my part)
posted by Anonymous at 3:14 PM on July 25, 2010
(Now down the road I discovered guys aren't so bad sometimes but that's a whole other story and actually took work on my part)
posted by Anonymous at 3:14 PM on July 25, 2010
Just wanted to add that you might find this useful. There's such a ton of good info on Scarleteen. It's geared towards young people (teens, early twenties), but I still find the site so informative. Wish I could have read this stuff in my teens and early to mid-twenties.
posted by foxjacket at 5:04 PM on July 25, 2010
posted by foxjacket at 5:04 PM on July 25, 2010
If you're that worried about the birthmark, maybe you could incorporate it into a cool tattoo? Then instead of being your "ugly secret" it could be your hot and fun surprise.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:36 PM on July 25, 2010
posted by Jacqueline at 5:36 PM on July 25, 2010
Find a boy (or girl) who really likes to kiss, and just do that. There's so much to do with your clothes on - no need to pressure yourself to take it further for now.
posted by yarly at 7:02 PM on July 25, 2010
posted by yarly at 7:02 PM on July 25, 2010
Wow. Sorry askme, but I have to say, you guys really kind of missed the bar on this one. I think it might be because we're skewed toward the sex-positive. Give the OP some credit, jeez. OP, I'm just going to assume you'd know if you were attracted to women or not, and that's not the issue. Also, DO NOT get drunk and get it over with. Also, would not suggest kinky blindfolded sex as the solution. My god, people have forgotten what it was like to be fourteen and a virgin, apparently.
Back then, I felt the same way. It was icky and I was scared. I didn't understand how it worked. I thought the term "bumping uglies" was accurate. I thought it would hurt. I was just trying to get over the "boys have cooties" stage. What you are feeling is TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY NORMAL, the only unusual thing is the age at which you are feeling it. Even so, 24 is not far from average age of losing virginity, which in the US I think is 17 or 18 depending on stats I've seen. I would even go so far as to say most people experience this before they lose their virginity, but seem to have forgotten over time that they were ever innocent.
I was best friends with my first boyfriend. He blew my mind. I would never change that experience. I learned that everything I thought about sex and men was wrong, and I learned it in the context of a friendship. I would suggest, OP, that your insticts are actually more correct than 90% of the advice you are getting here- find a nice, friendly, trustworthy guy, even if it's a friends-with-benefits and not a twue-wuv thing. Actually, try to avoid a twue-wuv thing; aim for friendly. But don't go get drunk at a bar. You need experience, but you don't need wham-bam thank-you ma'am stuff. But waiting for The One is not the way either. And the birthmark? Screw self-esteem and just lay on your back to hide it if you want. Seriously. You can embrace it fully later.
posted by Nixy at 7:20 PM on July 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
Back then, I felt the same way. It was icky and I was scared. I didn't understand how it worked. I thought the term "bumping uglies" was accurate. I thought it would hurt. I was just trying to get over the "boys have cooties" stage. What you are feeling is TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY NORMAL, the only unusual thing is the age at which you are feeling it. Even so, 24 is not far from average age of losing virginity, which in the US I think is 17 or 18 depending on stats I've seen. I would even go so far as to say most people experience this before they lose their virginity, but seem to have forgotten over time that they were ever innocent.
I was best friends with my first boyfriend. He blew my mind. I would never change that experience. I learned that everything I thought about sex and men was wrong, and I learned it in the context of a friendship. I would suggest, OP, that your insticts are actually more correct than 90% of the advice you are getting here- find a nice, friendly, trustworthy guy, even if it's a friends-with-benefits and not a twue-wuv thing. Actually, try to avoid a twue-wuv thing; aim for friendly. But don't go get drunk at a bar. You need experience, but you don't need wham-bam thank-you ma'am stuff. But waiting for The One is not the way either. And the birthmark? Screw self-esteem and just lay on your back to hide it if you want. Seriously. You can embrace it fully later.
posted by Nixy at 7:20 PM on July 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
try having a super active sex life... just by yourself. no pressure. don't tell anyone, this is YOUR PROJECT. for one month. it sounds silly, but i think it could help.
so, every other day, fuck yourself differently.
get a dildo that can suction to the headboard, the wall, wherever. (discovering these was one of the best days OF MY LIFE.) have sex with it. get a bottle of lube. get books. get erotica -- lots of different kinds. (i hated erotica until i found "macho sluts" by pat califia, so shop around if the first few do nothing for you). invest in a quality vibe. etc.
doing all these little things BY YOURSELF (aka not gifts from pals!) will make sex feel less like a big deal, and more like you're sexually confident, awesome -- like a sexy pervert lady working on a secret project, and who knows exactly what she wants. if you want to run a marathon, you start with just a few kms, right? no need to "get drunk and get it over with." awful advice. warm yourself up! have fun! involve other people WHEN YOU WANT TO.
you're probably going to feel weird, silly, foolish, embarrassed, even though you're all by yourself. maybe even moreso BECAUSE you're by yourself, and it's admitting that you don't even need another person to feel all those raw, primal, sexy desire feelings. doing these things solo, and realizing it's no biggie, makes fucking someone else way less intimidating.
posted by crawfo at 7:24 PM on July 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
so, every other day, fuck yourself differently.
get a dildo that can suction to the headboard, the wall, wherever. (discovering these was one of the best days OF MY LIFE.) have sex with it. get a bottle of lube. get books. get erotica -- lots of different kinds. (i hated erotica until i found "macho sluts" by pat califia, so shop around if the first few do nothing for you). invest in a quality vibe. etc.
doing all these little things BY YOURSELF (aka not gifts from pals!) will make sex feel less like a big deal, and more like you're sexually confident, awesome -- like a sexy pervert lady working on a secret project, and who knows exactly what she wants. if you want to run a marathon, you start with just a few kms, right? no need to "get drunk and get it over with." awful advice. warm yourself up! have fun! involve other people WHEN YOU WANT TO.
you're probably going to feel weird, silly, foolish, embarrassed, even though you're all by yourself. maybe even moreso BECAUSE you're by yourself, and it's admitting that you don't even need another person to feel all those raw, primal, sexy desire feelings. doing these things solo, and realizing it's no biggie, makes fucking someone else way less intimidating.
posted by crawfo at 7:24 PM on July 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
doing these things solo, and realizing it's no biggie, makes fucking someone else way less intimidating.
It's all good and well to masturbate yourself silly, but the truth is that getting to know yourself in a solo sex scenario doesn't really help with many of the attendant worries of being sexual with a partner — it's necessary, but not even remotely sufficient for feeling comfortable with a partner.
It's very important to know what turns you on and how to get yourself off, but these things don't get you past trust issues, feeling comfortable with having someone see you naked, getting someone else off, and so on and so forth. Everyone here keeps suggesting that self-love is the answer, but realistically and from experience, it doesn't address intimacy concerns.
(Also, I MefiMailed you.)
posted by thisjax at 8:02 PM on July 25, 2010
It's all good and well to masturbate yourself silly, but the truth is that getting to know yourself in a solo sex scenario doesn't really help with many of the attendant worries of being sexual with a partner — it's necessary, but not even remotely sufficient for feeling comfortable with a partner.
It's very important to know what turns you on and how to get yourself off, but these things don't get you past trust issues, feeling comfortable with having someone see you naked, getting someone else off, and so on and so forth. Everyone here keeps suggesting that self-love is the answer, but realistically and from experience, it doesn't address intimacy concerns.
(Also, I MefiMailed you.)
posted by thisjax at 8:02 PM on July 25, 2010
I'm painfully aware how uptight and abnormal my views on sex are
No, they're not. Most people feel that way at first. You just haven't gotten over that feeling yet.
I keep thinking if the right guy comes along who I can both completely trust and find 100% physically/sexually compatible, everything will just fall into place.
Actually, this is mostly accurate. Everything won't fall into place, but most things will. Today's culture has everyone dropping into bed with strangers, or "no later than the 3rd date", etc., but there is nothing wrong with waiting until it feels right to you. Personally, I won't have sex with anyone until I love them, and it's always worked out just fine for me. You don't have to give in to society's pressure to have lots of sex with lots of people. Take your time, and do what's right for you.
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:27 PM on July 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
No, they're not. Most people feel that way at first. You just haven't gotten over that feeling yet.
I keep thinking if the right guy comes along who I can both completely trust and find 100% physically/sexually compatible, everything will just fall into place.
Actually, this is mostly accurate. Everything won't fall into place, but most things will. Today's culture has everyone dropping into bed with strangers, or "no later than the 3rd date", etc., but there is nothing wrong with waiting until it feels right to you. Personally, I won't have sex with anyone until I love them, and it's always worked out just fine for me. You don't have to give in to society's pressure to have lots of sex with lots of people. Take your time, and do what's right for you.
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:27 PM on July 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
I've known several people, both men and women, who've delayed sex as long or longer than you have for very similar-sounding reasons, and who also have had OCD/trichotillomania related problems.
If that's the case with you, I think you should try to address those underlying things before trying to have sex.
I agree with you about penises, by the way, and if that weren't a fairly widespread attitude at least unconsciously, I doubt Ridley Scott would have made his utterly horrific Alien look so much like an erect penis at its first appearance.
posted by jamjam at 11:09 PM on July 25, 2010
If that's the case with you, I think you should try to address those underlying things before trying to have sex.
I agree with you about penises, by the way, and if that weren't a fairly widespread attitude at least unconsciously, I doubt Ridley Scott would have made his utterly horrific Alien look so much like an erect penis at its first appearance.
posted by jamjam at 11:09 PM on July 25, 2010
I can't tell from your question whether you want on a physical level to have sex or whether you want to do it because you feel it's an experience you think you should have. Maybe you don't know either, and that's perfectly fine. If you have never experienced a physical desire for sexual contact, there is the possibility you could be asexual.
If you don't think asexuality describes you and you still want to give sex a go, the above advice is really good for how to get more comfortable (excepting the get hammered and do it answer, I think you'd regret it). Get comfortable being sexual on your own first, then, when you feel you are ready, and at the pace for which you are ready, try out increasing levels of sexual contact with another person (affectionate touching, kissing, go from there). A person that you trust, most importantly.
Also, don't feel like you are behind the game and need to rush into things. Having sex before you are ready, or if you aren't totally comfortable with what you are doing, is at best awkward and at worst a terrible enough experience to make you write off the whole thing entirely. However, sex in a trusting, low-inhibition environment is TOTALLY worth working toward.
Good luck!
posted by hoperaiseshell at 11:27 PM on July 25, 2010
If you don't think asexuality describes you and you still want to give sex a go, the above advice is really good for how to get more comfortable (excepting the get hammered and do it answer, I think you'd regret it). Get comfortable being sexual on your own first, then, when you feel you are ready, and at the pace for which you are ready, try out increasing levels of sexual contact with another person (affectionate touching, kissing, go from there). A person that you trust, most importantly.
Also, don't feel like you are behind the game and need to rush into things. Having sex before you are ready, or if you aren't totally comfortable with what you are doing, is at best awkward and at worst a terrible enough experience to make you write off the whole thing entirely. However, sex in a trusting, low-inhibition environment is TOTALLY worth working toward.
Good luck!
posted by hoperaiseshell at 11:27 PM on July 25, 2010
Regarding your birthmark.. I love the things on girls that make them unique. A mole, birthmark, scar, funny smile... those things make a girl real to me and different from all other girls. I find them endearing.
I think just getting comfortable with your body and excited about sex will help.
masturbate.
read some erotica. A quick search led me to literotica.com.
probably don't watch porn unless it's labeled "woman-friendly".
posted by jander03 at 7:14 AM on July 26, 2010
I think just getting comfortable with your body and excited about sex will help.
masturbate.
read some erotica. A quick search led me to literotica.com.
probably don't watch porn unless it's labeled "woman-friendly".
posted by jander03 at 7:14 AM on July 26, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
You also say "The whole thing just seems so... raw, primitive, personal and uninhibited." That's because it is- that's what sex is.
It also sounds like you are building it up in your head to be way more than it is.
posted by TheBones at 1:09 PM on July 25, 2010