How do I open myself to love?
July 25, 2010 9:26 AM Subscribe
How do I open myself to love - of myself, and of others?
Can anyone recommend books, techniques, ideas, or anything else that they've found useful for becoming more open to love in their life?
I've become more and more aware over the last few year that I don't really connect with people. I'm sociable, have friends, get along with my workmates, but I've never had a long term relationship and don't really even feel that close to my family. I'd describe my relationships with friends using words like fun, interesting, or enjoyable, but there are none that I'd call close or loving. In all the romantic relationships I've had, I've sabotaged them early.
There are things in my childhood and teen years that I think are (at least partly) responsible for this disconnection, and I'm on the journey of working through some of this, but understanding the "why" doesn't feel like a path to change in the future.
So I want to work on getting some love into my life. Love of myself, love of other people, and openness to being loved by other people. Can anyone recommend ways to make some changes in this?
Can anyone recommend books, techniques, ideas, or anything else that they've found useful for becoming more open to love in their life?
I've become more and more aware over the last few year that I don't really connect with people. I'm sociable, have friends, get along with my workmates, but I've never had a long term relationship and don't really even feel that close to my family. I'd describe my relationships with friends using words like fun, interesting, or enjoyable, but there are none that I'd call close or loving. In all the romantic relationships I've had, I've sabotaged them early.
There are things in my childhood and teen years that I think are (at least partly) responsible for this disconnection, and I'm on the journey of working through some of this, but understanding the "why" doesn't feel like a path to change in the future.
So I want to work on getting some love into my life. Love of myself, love of other people, and openness to being loved by other people. Can anyone recommend ways to make some changes in this?
In The Mastery of Love, Don Miguel Ruiz tells this story about a man who didn't believe in love. This was an ordinary man just like you or me, but what made this man special was his way of thinking: He thought love didn't exist. Of course, he had a lot of experience trying to find love, and he had observed the people around him. Much of his life had been spent searching for love, only to find that love didn't exist.
Wherever this man went, he used to tell people that love is nothing but an invention of the poets, an invention of religions just to manipulate the weak mind of humans, to have control over humans, to make them believe. He said that love is not real, and that's why no human could ever find love even though he might look for it.
This man was highly intelligent, and he was very convincing. He read a lot of books, he went to the best universities, and he became a respected scholar. He could stand in any public place, in front of any kind of people, and his logic was very strong. What he said was that love is just like a drug; it makes you very high, but it creates a strong need. You can become highly addicted to love, but what happens when you don't receive your daily dose?
Then one day this man was walking in a park, and there on a bench was a beautiful lady who was crying. When he saw her crying, he felt curiosity. Sitting beside her, he asked if he could help her. He asked why she was crying. You can imagine his surprise when she told him she was crying because love didn't exist. He said, "This is amazing—a woman who believes that love doesn't exist!" Of course, he wanted to know more about her.
"Why do you say love doesn't exist?" he asked.
"Well, it's a long story," she replied. "I married when I was young, with all the love, all the illusions, full of hope that I would share my life with this man. We swore to each other our loyalty, respect, and honor, and we created a family. But soon everything changed. I was the devoted wife who took care of the children and the home. My husband continued to develop his career, and his success and image outside of home was more important to him than our family. He lost respect for me, and I for him. We hurt each other, and at a certain point I discovered that I didn't love him, and he didn't love me."
Understanding the woman very well, the man embraced her and said, "You're right. Love doesn't exist. We look for love, we open our heart and we become vulnerable, just to find selfishness. It doesn't matter how many relationships we have; the same thing happens again and again. Why even search for love any longer?"
They were so much alike, they became the best of friends. It was a wonderful relationship. They respected each other and they never put each other down. With every step they took together, they were happy. There was no envy or jealousy, there was no control, there was no possessiveness. The relationship kept growing and growing. They loved to be together, because when they were together they had a lot of fun. When they were apart, they missed each other.
One day when the man was out of town, he had the weirdest feeling. He was thinking, " Hmm, maybe what I feel for her is love. But this is so different from what I have ever felt before. It's not what the poets say it is, it's not what religions say it is, because I am not responsible for her. I don't take anything from her. I don't have the need for her to take care of me. I don't need to blame her for my difficulties or to take my dramas to her. We have the best time together, we enjoy each other. I respect the way she thinks, the way she feels. She doesn't embarrass me; she doesn't bother me at all. I don't feel jealous when she's with other people; I don't feel envy when she is successful. Perhaps love does exist, but it isn't necessarily what everyone thinks it is."
If you take your happiness and put it in someone else's hands, sooner or later, they are going to break it. If you give your happiness to someone else, they can always take it away. Then if happiness can only come from inside of you and is the result of your love, you are responsible for your happiness, not someone else. That is the mistake most of us make as we begin to learn about love. We base our happiness on our partner, and it doesn't work that way. Making all these promises that we cannot keep simply sets us up for failure.
posted by netbros at 10:08 AM on July 25, 2010 [43 favorites]
Wherever this man went, he used to tell people that love is nothing but an invention of the poets, an invention of religions just to manipulate the weak mind of humans, to have control over humans, to make them believe. He said that love is not real, and that's why no human could ever find love even though he might look for it.
This man was highly intelligent, and he was very convincing. He read a lot of books, he went to the best universities, and he became a respected scholar. He could stand in any public place, in front of any kind of people, and his logic was very strong. What he said was that love is just like a drug; it makes you very high, but it creates a strong need. You can become highly addicted to love, but what happens when you don't receive your daily dose?
Then one day this man was walking in a park, and there on a bench was a beautiful lady who was crying. When he saw her crying, he felt curiosity. Sitting beside her, he asked if he could help her. He asked why she was crying. You can imagine his surprise when she told him she was crying because love didn't exist. He said, "This is amazing—a woman who believes that love doesn't exist!" Of course, he wanted to know more about her.
"Why do you say love doesn't exist?" he asked.
"Well, it's a long story," she replied. "I married when I was young, with all the love, all the illusions, full of hope that I would share my life with this man. We swore to each other our loyalty, respect, and honor, and we created a family. But soon everything changed. I was the devoted wife who took care of the children and the home. My husband continued to develop his career, and his success and image outside of home was more important to him than our family. He lost respect for me, and I for him. We hurt each other, and at a certain point I discovered that I didn't love him, and he didn't love me."
Understanding the woman very well, the man embraced her and said, "You're right. Love doesn't exist. We look for love, we open our heart and we become vulnerable, just to find selfishness. It doesn't matter how many relationships we have; the same thing happens again and again. Why even search for love any longer?"
They were so much alike, they became the best of friends. It was a wonderful relationship. They respected each other and they never put each other down. With every step they took together, they were happy. There was no envy or jealousy, there was no control, there was no possessiveness. The relationship kept growing and growing. They loved to be together, because when they were together they had a lot of fun. When they were apart, they missed each other.
One day when the man was out of town, he had the weirdest feeling. He was thinking, " Hmm, maybe what I feel for her is love. But this is so different from what I have ever felt before. It's not what the poets say it is, it's not what religions say it is, because I am not responsible for her. I don't take anything from her. I don't have the need for her to take care of me. I don't need to blame her for my difficulties or to take my dramas to her. We have the best time together, we enjoy each other. I respect the way she thinks, the way she feels. She doesn't embarrass me; she doesn't bother me at all. I don't feel jealous when she's with other people; I don't feel envy when she is successful. Perhaps love does exist, but it isn't necessarily what everyone thinks it is."
If you take your happiness and put it in someone else's hands, sooner or later, they are going to break it. If you give your happiness to someone else, they can always take it away. Then if happiness can only come from inside of you and is the result of your love, you are responsible for your happiness, not someone else. That is the mistake most of us make as we begin to learn about love. We base our happiness on our partner, and it doesn't work that way. Making all these promises that we cannot keep simply sets us up for failure.
posted by netbros at 10:08 AM on July 25, 2010 [43 favorites]
David Burns, the author of "Feeling Good", one of the most recommended depression self-help books on Mefi, also wrote a book called "Intimate Connections" http://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/0451148452/
I've only read a bit of it, and it is a bit old-school (as well as focusing on many different reasons/aspects of why you might be lonely/have trouble connecting, and not all may apply) but perhaps it's worth a shot?
Good luck.
posted by Elysum at 11:12 AM on July 25, 2010
I've only read a bit of it, and it is a bit old-school (as well as focusing on many different reasons/aspects of why you might be lonely/have trouble connecting, and not all may apply) but perhaps it's worth a shot?
Good luck.
posted by Elysum at 11:12 AM on July 25, 2010
Before meeting up with a friend one day, I went to the library (I love the library). I passed the shelf with self-help books about relationships and love - stuff like Leo Buscaglia and others I'd seen before. A book called Escape from Intimacy caught my eye - it sounded interesting, so I flipped through it and went straight to Chapter 6: Intimacy and Healthy Relationships, because I wanted to know about healthy relationships! I read and I was pretty amazed - I had never seen anything like this before; about what a healthy relationship was, and how to have one. The book pretty much told me everything that I knew, on a gut level, but just didn't know how to articulate. It was extremely validating and I felt SO much better. The author mainly deconstructs addictive parts of relationships that we learn about through society and culture (like from the poets and religion in netbros' comment). I don't know if reading this book will help you, but at that time, it was just what I needed. It started me on a journey of focusing more on me, taking care of me, which helped me to feel better about myself, and to see my own value and self-worth. I was also able to see how dysfunctional the relationship models that we do have, are (Twilight, anyone?). Before I would just absorb all this stuff and just feel crappy without being able to articulate why.
posted by foxjacket at 2:04 PM on July 25, 2010
posted by foxjacket at 2:04 PM on July 25, 2010
Easy answer, but no one really mentioned it....have you ever tried a journal? Being able to write your emotions down opens you up in certain ways and helps put your thoughts on paper, which you can look back on/reread and find ways to communicate to others. I can't tell you how many of my peers who have visited therapists or counselors have told me that this was the first suggestion...and that it has helped them a lot. If not to open up to others, but, at the very least, to learn to communicate your thoughts and feelings to yourself and then, someday, to others.
posted by penguingrl at 11:40 PM on August 19, 2010
posted by penguingrl at 11:40 PM on August 19, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Theloupgarou at 9:53 AM on July 25, 2010 [4 favorites]