help me say no!
July 24, 2010 9:34 AM
I need help wording an email to someone who asked me out for coffee, I said sure, but now I've changed my mind. I'm new to the dating scene after being married for 12+ years... halp!
A customer of the shop I work for asked me out for coffee sometime. I get nervous when put on the spot like that & kinda agreed. Now I would like to say no, but gracefully & not hurt any feelings. I have his email address only. Can anyone help me with the wording?
A customer of the shop I work for asked me out for coffee sometime. I get nervous when put on the spot like that & kinda agreed. Now I would like to say no, but gracefully & not hurt any feelings. I have his email address only. Can anyone help me with the wording?
If they asked you to coffee "sometime," then they really didn't ask you out for coffee at all. You can turn them down when they actually contact you with a date and time. Until then, it's largely just a pleasantry. And....coffee isn't a date, if anything, it's a pre-date reconnaissance - so relax!
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:50 AM on July 24, 2010
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:50 AM on July 24, 2010
Hi,
After thinking further about your invitation for coffee, I have decided it's best for me to pass right now. I really do appreciate our friendship and look forward to seeing you soon.
Thanks,
Anon
posted by WhiteWhale at 9:54 AM on July 24, 2010
After thinking further about your invitation for coffee, I have decided it's best for me to pass right now. I really do appreciate our friendship and look forward to seeing you soon.
Thanks,
Anon
posted by WhiteWhale at 9:54 AM on July 24, 2010
Agree with The Light Fantastic that, unless a specific time and place was set, you are under no obligation to do anything at this point. If they approach you to set up something specific, you can turn them down at that point*.
Also, keep in mind that it's just coffee. Unless the person is a complete psycho you can't bear to be around, there's nothing wrong with just going along for a coffee and hightailing it out of there as soon as it's socially acceptable with nothing assumed about the status of your relationship.
*I wouldn't say "I don't want to have coffee with you" or "I'm not interested in you." Go for the white lie and say you're not going to have time or something.
posted by Sara C. at 9:56 AM on July 24, 2010
Also, keep in mind that it's just coffee. Unless the person is a complete psycho you can't bear to be around, there's nothing wrong with just going along for a coffee and hightailing it out of there as soon as it's socially acceptable with nothing assumed about the status of your relationship.
*I wouldn't say "I don't want to have coffee with you" or "I'm not interested in you." Go for the white lie and say you're not going to have time or something.
posted by Sara C. at 9:56 AM on July 24, 2010
Something like this maybe?
posted by ob1quixote at 9:56 AM on July 24, 2010
Dear <customer-from-the-shop>,If you have a good reason for wanting to cancel your date, e.g. not wanting to date a customer or something about the person you don't like, then okay. However, if it's just cold feet from not having dated since the '90s, I'd like to point out it's only coffee.
Thank you for your invitation to go out for coffee. Unfortunately, I hastily agreed when I really should have declined. I'm afraid I need to cancel our date. I'm sorry.
Sincerely,
Anonymous
posted by ob1quixote at 9:56 AM on July 24, 2010
I think that you can use the excuse of not being quite ready to date as you've recently been divorced after being married for more than ten years. This is something that people are understanding about.
posted by sciencegeek at 9:56 AM on July 24, 2010
posted by sciencegeek at 9:56 AM on July 24, 2010
The Light Fantastic is right. "Sometime" isn't an invitation. If he e-mails you to set it up, then e-mail him and back out at that point.
posted by vincele at 9:56 AM on July 24, 2010
posted by vincele at 9:56 AM on July 24, 2010
Don't email him of your own accord if you don't feel like it.
If you do feel like emailing him, or if he contacts you somehow (in person or online -- but you didn't mention if he knows how to reach you online), just say, "You know what, I'm actually going to have to pass ... I'm recently divorced and not really ready for anything like that."
posted by Jaltcoh at 10:04 AM on July 24, 2010
If you do feel like emailing him, or if he contacts you somehow (in person or online -- but you didn't mention if he knows how to reach you online), just say, "You know what, I'm actually going to have to pass ... I'm recently divorced and not really ready for anything like that."
posted by Jaltcoh at 10:04 AM on July 24, 2010
There's nothing for you to do. He didn't ask you out for coffee, he asked if you might want to get coffee "sometime". There's nothing to turn down right now. If you send a preemptive e-mail now telling him not to ever ask, it's more likely to hurt feelings/be insulting than if you just wait for him to ask and then say you're busy. If you do it now, there's no way for him to save face and he'll be embarrassed and confused.
posted by spaltavian at 10:10 AM on July 24, 2010
posted by spaltavian at 10:10 AM on July 24, 2010
nthing the thought that sometime is not a date. Sometime is asked for gauging interest in going. Hold off on declining until there's a specific date. That's probably what he's going for, but I don't see a reason shoot down the idea of coffee ever. You never know, when a date is set you might have changed your mind.
posted by theichibun at 10:12 AM on July 24, 2010
posted by theichibun at 10:12 AM on July 24, 2010
1. If he said "hey, we should have coffee sometime!" and gave you his email address, and that's it, you don't need to do anything.
2. If he said something like that, and you verbally agreed to email him, then you should email him, using vincele's wording (except for the "I should have realized this sooner", which is superfluous.) But only because civility is nice. If you can't bring yourself to email as you said you would, don't worry too hard about it.
3. There's certainly no need to call it a "date" or refer to your marital status or your dating status. It's remotely possible that his question is platonic, and even assuming it isn't, you'll spare him embarrassment by not verbalizing the dating aspect. And your dating status is none of his business anyway.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 10:13 AM on July 24, 2010
2. If he said something like that, and you verbally agreed to email him, then you should email him, using vincele's wording (except for the "I should have realized this sooner", which is superfluous.) But only because civility is nice. If you can't bring yourself to email as you said you would, don't worry too hard about it.
3. There's certainly no need to call it a "date" or refer to your marital status or your dating status. It's remotely possible that his question is platonic, and even assuming it isn't, you'll spare him embarrassment by not verbalizing the dating aspect. And your dating status is none of his business anyway.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 10:13 AM on July 24, 2010
Nthing as well. Don't say anything to him until he actually asks you to go. Otherwise it might seem presumptuous.
posted by elpea at 10:14 AM on July 24, 2010
posted by elpea at 10:14 AM on July 24, 2010
I think Light Fantastic has it right. You haven't been invited on a date yet, and if no time was mentioned, you haven't even been invited for coffee yet. So it would be premature to write the guy and say no. When (if) he does mention it again, then you can decline in person.
But, really, having coffee with someone isn't making a commitment, and even if you don't want to date him, friendships (and coffee buddies) are nice to have.
posted by Some1 at 10:16 AM on July 24, 2010
But, really, having coffee with someone isn't making a commitment, and even if you don't want to date him, friendships (and coffee buddies) are nice to have.
posted by Some1 at 10:16 AM on July 24, 2010
Just tell him that you aren't really dating yet. It's pretty soon.
posted by lakerk at 10:16 AM on July 24, 2010
posted by lakerk at 10:16 AM on July 24, 2010
it's more likely to hurt feelings/be insulting than if you just wait for him to ask and then say you're busy.
That is what is known as stringing someone along. Better to let him know now than to make excuses when he asks. If he's interested, he'll probably be understanding then ask again, so don't do this.
Try something like this:
Dear X,
I know I agreed to go for coffee sometime. It was rather on the spot when you asked, I didn't have time to think. I just got out of a long marriage and I've realized I'm just not ready yet.
Anon
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:09 AM on July 24, 2010
That is what is known as stringing someone along. Better to let him know now than to make excuses when he asks. If he's interested, he'll probably be understanding then ask again, so don't do this.
Try something like this:
Dear X,
I know I agreed to go for coffee sometime. It was rather on the spot when you asked, I didn't have time to think. I just got out of a long marriage and I've realized I'm just not ready yet.
Anon
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:09 AM on July 24, 2010
Trying to put myself in the asker's position, I think I'd feel better about receiving ob1quixote's or maybe vincele's than WhiteWhale's. I'm not sure why, just something about the wording.
But I also agree that "coffee sometime" doesn't need any response if you don't feel like it. With some people the expected way to decline a "coffee sometime" is to say "sure!" but never respond. (Bah.) If they follow up, though, I think you should try to be clear that you don't want to go out for coffee.
posted by hattifattener at 11:10 AM on July 24, 2010
But I also agree that "coffee sometime" doesn't need any response if you don't feel like it. With some people the expected way to decline a "coffee sometime" is to say "sure!" but never respond. (Bah.) If they follow up, though, I think you should try to be clear that you don't want to go out for coffee.
posted by hattifattener at 11:10 AM on July 24, 2010
I just got out of a long marriage and I've realized I'm just not ready yet.
Um, that's fine except I wouldn't call it "a long marriage," since this might implausible and isn't really true. (12 years is not a long marriage!)
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:18 AM on July 24, 2010
Um, that's fine except I wouldn't call it "a long marriage," since this might implausible and isn't really true. (12 years is not a long marriage!)
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:18 AM on July 24, 2010
That is what is known as stringing someone along.
I absolutely disagree. Stringing someone along implies specific expectations and usually takes on an emotional component. The girl who went out with me three times, led me to believe she was completely smitten, and then announced over email that she was in a serious relationship with someone else and we couldn't see each other anymore was stringing me along.
People say things like "let's get coffee sometime" and "sure, that sounds nice" all the time without it actually meaning that there is a firm agreement in place that this will ever happen.
At this point, there's no expectation of anything in particular - it's not like you're preventing this guy from having coffee with other people or leading him to expect anything more than maybe at some future point possibly getting together casually for a beverage.
posted by Sara C. at 11:22 AM on July 24, 2010
I absolutely disagree. Stringing someone along implies specific expectations and usually takes on an emotional component. The girl who went out with me three times, led me to believe she was completely smitten, and then announced over email that she was in a serious relationship with someone else and we couldn't see each other anymore was stringing me along.
People say things like "let's get coffee sometime" and "sure, that sounds nice" all the time without it actually meaning that there is a firm agreement in place that this will ever happen.
At this point, there's no expectation of anything in particular - it's not like you're preventing this guy from having coffee with other people or leading him to expect anything more than maybe at some future point possibly getting together casually for a beverage.
posted by Sara C. at 11:22 AM on July 24, 2010
To some people, twelve years might be long, but that was an error. I originally wrote "long relationship", then realized marriage would be more appropriate (with its extra weight), then forgot to delete long.
As for being strung along, if someone agreed to do something, then kept making excuses for not having said date, it would be being strung along in my view, because of the excuses. It's mch better and more humane to tell the truth if you have no intention of going on the date.
It saves both parties from wasting their time and doesn't leave the door open for someone when the other person considers it closed.
Maybe some people say things they don't mean all the time, but speaking personally (I'm pretty straightforward) we don't all do that. Especially not "all the time".
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:06 PM on July 24, 2010
As for being strung along, if someone agreed to do something, then kept making excuses for not having said date, it would be being strung along in my view, because of the excuses. It's mch better and more humane to tell the truth if you have no intention of going on the date.
It saves both parties from wasting their time and doesn't leave the door open for someone when the other person considers it closed.
Maybe some people say things they don't mean all the time, but speaking personally (I'm pretty straightforward) we don't all do that. Especially not "all the time".
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:06 PM on July 24, 2010
That is what is known as stringing someone along.
Oh well. Anyone who makes a practice of cornering baristas like this is kind of asking to be strung along every now and then.
To some people, twelve years might be long, but that was an error. I originally wrote "long relationship", then realized marriage would be more appropriate (with its extra weight), then forgot to delete long.
Yeah ... I think we should give the OP the benefit of the doubt and assume that she's not one of those people (who presumably include Larry King and Liz Taylor) who consider 12 years to be a long marriage. I agree it would be a long relationship.
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:47 PM on July 24, 2010
Oh well. Anyone who makes a practice of cornering baristas like this is kind of asking to be strung along every now and then.
To some people, twelve years might be long, but that was an error. I originally wrote "long relationship", then realized marriage would be more appropriate (with its extra weight), then forgot to delete long.
Yeah ... I think we should give the OP the benefit of the doubt and assume that she's not one of those people (who presumably include Larry King and Liz Taylor) who consider 12 years to be a long marriage. I agree it would be a long relationship.
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:47 PM on July 24, 2010
Just a thought: you haven't dated in over 12 years, you probably don't remember all that well what it's like, and you're going to be a bit rusty. Go out and have coffee with this guy - treat it like an interview for a job you don't care if you get. It'll be good to get back into the swing of things without worrying about how well you do. Then, when Mr. Perfect asks you out shortly afterwards, you'll do so much better.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 2:11 PM on July 24, 2010
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 2:11 PM on July 24, 2010
Yeah, I'm torn as to whether to recommend that the OP just go and have fun (or not) just for the practice of a date-like situation, or whether that really would serve to string the dude along.
On the one hand, one thing that really helped me get over a lot of my issues around dating (not relationships, just casual dating) was to go out with a bunch of people, whether I was completely wild about them or not. Even the bad ones were educational. And they were usually fun, even if I wasn't attracted to the person.
But, yeah - if he asked her out for coffee and she's meh about it before even setting a date to really go and have actual coffee, chances are she's not into him and continuing to pursue this is a bad idea all around.
posted by Sara C. at 2:45 PM on July 24, 2010
On the one hand, one thing that really helped me get over a lot of my issues around dating (not relationships, just casual dating) was to go out with a bunch of people, whether I was completely wild about them or not. Even the bad ones were educational. And they were usually fun, even if I wasn't attracted to the person.
But, yeah - if he asked her out for coffee and she's meh about it before even setting a date to really go and have actual coffee, chances are she's not into him and continuing to pursue this is a bad idea all around.
posted by Sara C. at 2:45 PM on July 24, 2010
I tend to over react like this. If he didn't actually ask you out yet, no need to do anything. If and when he asks you out, say "Thank you, but no." I would not email him either way.
posted by fifilaru at 4:44 PM on July 24, 2010
posted by fifilaru at 4:44 PM on July 24, 2010
Yeah, you don't need to do anything until he actually asks you out. For all you know, he could have changed his mind too, met someone else in the intervening time, anything really.
If he does contact you, and you write back please don't use business-y words like "pass" and "decline." It's a polite social interaction, you're not rejecting his loan application.
posted by drjimmy11 at 6:37 PM on July 24, 2010
If he does contact you, and you write back please don't use business-y words like "pass" and "decline." It's a polite social interaction, you're not rejecting his loan application.
posted by drjimmy11 at 6:37 PM on July 24, 2010
Agree with other answers, unless you have a date set, "sometime" is just a vagary and they may never even follow up on it (they may meet somebody else or change their mind, etc.).
If you have made plans, or are asked specifically, just be honest and tell them you're not looking to date right now (assuming they weren't just asking you out for coffee as friends) and that you're "not available". You could even play dumb: "I realized after we spoke that you might have been asked me out for coffee as a date and I wasn't really thinking that because I just ended a marriage/relationship/whatever and I'm just not ready to take that step right now" etc. etc.
posted by 1000monkeys at 10:40 PM on July 24, 2010
If you have made plans, or are asked specifically, just be honest and tell them you're not looking to date right now (assuming they weren't just asking you out for coffee as friends) and that you're "not available". You could even play dumb: "I realized after we spoke that you might have been asked me out for coffee as a date and I wasn't really thinking that because I just ended a marriage/relationship/whatever and I'm just not ready to take that step right now" etc. etc.
posted by 1000monkeys at 10:40 PM on July 24, 2010
"People say things like "let's get coffee sometime" and "sure, that sounds nice" all the time without it actually meaning that there is a firm agreement in place that this will ever happen."
...which is part of the problem contributing to all the drama surrounding dates and all.
Do you think it hurts less with a "sure" (which is a "no" that you figure out over time agonising unnecessarily) vs a simple "no, thanks"?? And people who agree with the former don't sound good complaining of getting strung along on other counts!
It's okay if you got nervous and said yes but the guy didn't mention a specific time, like a lot of people have mentioned. The next time he asks you, tell him you got nervous last time because of so and so and you are not interested in going out. You can give a reason or not, and thats fine too.
posted by xm at 8:31 AM on July 25, 2010
...which is part of the problem contributing to all the drama surrounding dates and all.
Do you think it hurts less with a "sure" (which is a "no" that you figure out over time agonising unnecessarily) vs a simple "no, thanks"?? And people who agree with the former don't sound good complaining of getting strung along on other counts!
It's okay if you got nervous and said yes but the guy didn't mention a specific time, like a lot of people have mentioned. The next time he asks you, tell him you got nervous last time because of so and so and you are not interested in going out. You can give a reason or not, and thats fine too.
posted by xm at 8:31 AM on July 25, 2010
...which is part of the problem contributing to all the drama surrounding dates and all.
People do it all the time, about everything, without contributing overmuch to "drama".
"We should go to Mexico next year." "Yeah, totally, that would be amazing!" They never go. Nobody dies over it.
"I'm thinking about going to the Matisse show at MoMA next weekend. Want to come with?" "Yeah, that sounds cool." They never coordinate schedules and it doesn't happen. The earth's orbit remains stable.
"If I made brownies, would you eat some?" "Of course, who doesn't love brownies?" The brownies are forgotten. Famine does not ensue.
Only someone who is pathologically stressed out about dating would take it personally if someone invited them out for coffee and then never got around to following up about it.
posted by Sara C. at 2:11 PM on July 25, 2010
People do it all the time, about everything, without contributing overmuch to "drama".
"We should go to Mexico next year." "Yeah, totally, that would be amazing!" They never go. Nobody dies over it.
"I'm thinking about going to the Matisse show at MoMA next weekend. Want to come with?" "Yeah, that sounds cool." They never coordinate schedules and it doesn't happen. The earth's orbit remains stable.
"If I made brownies, would you eat some?" "Of course, who doesn't love brownies?" The brownies are forgotten. Famine does not ensue.
Only someone who is pathologically stressed out about dating would take it personally if someone invited them out for coffee and then never got around to following up about it.
posted by Sara C. at 2:11 PM on July 25, 2010
That is what is known as stringing someone along.
No it isn't. This is not, in any way, shape or form stringing someone along. Stringing someone along would be to give cryptic responses that could be interpreted in many ways, or always allowing for the possibility of something going further when you have no intention of doing so. It is not stringing someone along if you don't send a preemptive refusal of a future dating offer.
posted by spaltavian at 4:39 PM on July 26, 2010
No it isn't. This is not, in any way, shape or form stringing someone along. Stringing someone along would be to give cryptic responses that could be interpreted in many ways, or always allowing for the possibility of something going further when you have no intention of doing so. It is not stringing someone along if you don't send a preemptive refusal of a future dating offer.
posted by spaltavian at 4:39 PM on July 26, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'm sorry I realized that I won't be able to meet for coffee with you. I should have realized this sooner. Thanks for understanding. See you around,
Anon.
And then don't reply to follow up e-mails.
That works, and that's what I do in these situations. People might say you should spell it out. I think it's best leaving it like this, so he can conclude you're a flake, jerk, whatever makes him feel best.
posted by vincele at 9:50 AM on July 24, 2010