Help me do this!
July 23, 2010 8:53 AM Subscribe
I need to break up with my boyfriend. Logistics help!
1. He mostly structures my time, and I can't afford to live in a hotel while I find another place to live (none of my friends have room for any of my stuff, though I could find a couch to surf on if I needed). How do I find a place, see it, meet potential roommates, without unleashing a torrent of anger? (I'm in New Orleans.) I have already emailed a few prospects that seem hopeful, but will now need to act quickly.
2. We have a very messy house/bedroom, with all our things mixed up and intermingled. Some of these things are things I refuse to leave behind, like high school yearbooks and financial/legal documents. How do I extricate my things from his in an inconspicuous manner?
3. I have recently become friends with his niece, who is of little sister age to me and we bonded quite deeply during her recent stay here. Can I still talk to her (if she wants to continue communication)?
4. He has dirty photos of me, mostly non face but some with my face. Do I just write that off as a loss and hope no one I know sees them?
5. There are tasks in the house that are generally my job (feed the dog, call the landscapers, call pest control). And there are things I could find but he might not know where to look for. Do I need to write up a list of that sort of thing?
6. How do I tell him? We've been dating for almost three years, he's about to join the military, I thought we were going to end up together, but I just can't deal with the arguing and the accusations and the constant stress anymore. I'm in love with him but I can't stand how much I hate myself when we're together. I don't know how to do this when it's breaking my heart to even think about it.
I know there are a lot of questions but this is my first time initiating a breakup and my first time breaking up with someone I share a living space with, so I need all the help and advice (about my questions in specific, but also about breakups in general) that I can get.
1. He mostly structures my time, and I can't afford to live in a hotel while I find another place to live (none of my friends have room for any of my stuff, though I could find a couch to surf on if I needed). How do I find a place, see it, meet potential roommates, without unleashing a torrent of anger? (I'm in New Orleans.) I have already emailed a few prospects that seem hopeful, but will now need to act quickly.
2. We have a very messy house/bedroom, with all our things mixed up and intermingled. Some of these things are things I refuse to leave behind, like high school yearbooks and financial/legal documents. How do I extricate my things from his in an inconspicuous manner?
3. I have recently become friends with his niece, who is of little sister age to me and we bonded quite deeply during her recent stay here. Can I still talk to her (if she wants to continue communication)?
4. He has dirty photos of me, mostly non face but some with my face. Do I just write that off as a loss and hope no one I know sees them?
5. There are tasks in the house that are generally my job (feed the dog, call the landscapers, call pest control). And there are things I could find but he might not know where to look for. Do I need to write up a list of that sort of thing?
6. How do I tell him? We've been dating for almost three years, he's about to join the military, I thought we were going to end up together, but I just can't deal with the arguing and the accusations and the constant stress anymore. I'm in love with him but I can't stand how much I hate myself when we're together. I don't know how to do this when it's breaking my heart to even think about it.
I know there are a lot of questions but this is my first time initiating a breakup and my first time breaking up with someone I share a living space with, so I need all the help and advice (about my questions in specific, but also about breakups in general) that I can get.
You seem fairly sure that he'll harass you/become very angry/make this extremely difficult-- do you actually know that he'll behave this way, though, based on his personality/things he's said/etc., or are you assuming a worst-case scenario because this is the first time you've initiated a breakup? If the former, then by all means be careful and safe, but if the latter then it's possible that he feels the same about the relationship as you do and won't be hostile.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:06 AM on July 23, 2010
posted by shakespeherian at 9:06 AM on July 23, 2010
Can you afford to take a couple of days off (without his knowledge) to get organized, find an apartment, etc., while he's at work?
Normally, I wouldn't recommend planning your departure without talking to him first, but it sounds like he's a scary guy, and anything's fair if you're worried about your safety.
On a similar note: When it comes down to telling him, please do it in a public place if you're worried that there's a chance he'll be violent. Be firm; tell him exactly what you told us -- that you don't like the person that you are when you're together. Don't promise to be friends.
(I wouldn't worry about the chores that are normally yours -- he'll be able to figure it out. If there are any phone numbers that he doesn't have, you could leave a list of those.)
posted by cider at 9:10 AM on July 23, 2010
Normally, I wouldn't recommend planning your departure without talking to him first, but it sounds like he's a scary guy, and anything's fair if you're worried about your safety.
On a similar note: When it comes down to telling him, please do it in a public place if you're worried that there's a chance he'll be violent. Be firm; tell him exactly what you told us -- that you don't like the person that you are when you're together. Don't promise to be friends.
(I wouldn't worry about the chores that are normally yours -- he'll be able to figure it out. If there are any phone numbers that he doesn't have, you could leave a list of those.)
posted by cider at 9:10 AM on July 23, 2010
"2. We have a very messy house/bedroom, with all our things mixed up and intermingled. Some of these things are things I refuse to leave behind, like high school yearbooks and financial/legal documents. How do I extricate my things from his in an inconspicuous manner?"
If you think moving out won't go well for some reason then organize a few friends and a truck large enough hold all your stuff and pack and move out all in one go. If it really won't go well time it for shortly after the break up.
"5. There are tasks in the house that are generally my job (feed the dog, call the landscapers, call pest control). And there are things I could find but he might not know where to look for. Do I need to write up a list of that sort of thing?"
He's a man, and if he didn't move in with you right out of his parents place then he's done it before. He'll survive.
posted by Mitheral at 9:13 AM on July 23, 2010
If you think moving out won't go well for some reason then organize a few friends and a truck large enough hold all your stuff and pack and move out all in one go. If it really won't go well time it for shortly after the break up.
"5. There are tasks in the house that are generally my job (feed the dog, call the landscapers, call pest control). And there are things I could find but he might not know where to look for. Do I need to write up a list of that sort of thing?"
He's a man, and if he didn't move in with you right out of his parents place then he's done it before. He'll survive.
posted by Mitheral at 9:13 AM on July 23, 2010
It sounds like you're worried he'll be violent. I'd look into a local women's shelter. They'll be able to tell you how to leave safely and where you can go/take your things.
Good luck! Be safe!
posted by Carlotta Bananas at 9:17 AM on July 23, 2010 [4 favorites]
Good luck! Be safe!
posted by Carlotta Bananas at 9:17 AM on July 23, 2010 [4 favorites]
Based on some things you've said here ("he structures my time", the idea that he might use photos against you) makes me wonder if these folks might be able to help. They might at least be able to give you advice on the best way to do this, if you are worried about serious retaliation.
That said, from here on out I'm going to assume that your boyfriend is a normal dude and that you have a healthy relationship that is not based on abuse. Only you can know whether I'm right about that, and I urge you to be honest with yourself. I'm a survivor of abuse so I know how difficult it can be to admit to yourself what's really going on. Good luck, and if you need any advice, memail me.
Does your boyfriend know that you're unhappy and thinking about leaving? Have you talked with him about your feelings? I was recently dumped by my boyfriend (who I did not live with), and one thing that was really hard about it was that he didn't let on at all that anything was up, until one day, out of the blue, he was all "oh btw this isn't working out, it's not you it's me, let's be friends, kthx". Which is really not a good way to break up with someone you're in a serious relationship with. I would urge you, if you're keeping your unhappiness bottled up, to talk to your boyfriend about how you feel at least a little bit before simply announcing that you've found a new apartment.
This will also make it a teensy bit easier to coordinate things like packing for a move without needing to be "inconspicuous" - he will know that things aren't working and that you don't want to live together anymore. Packing up your things comes with the territory, and unless he's an irrational beast of a man he's not going to try to prevent you from doing that (though he certainly might be obstructionist and claim that your things are his, you can't take this because of that reason, etc etc).
Re the niece. If the break-up is mutual and on relatively good terms (which from the rest of your post doesn't sound like it's the case), it would be fine for you to continue to see his niece. Though I would take it slow and maybe allow for a break so that you guys can get used to not coexisting for awhile - this is something I've done with my ex and his friends, who I like a lot and had gotten to be friends with. However. As I said above, I don't think this sounds like your relationship. If things are not mutual and your leaving is going to cause conflict that might get especially ugly, you might lose the friendship of the niece. It's something you should be prepared to deal with, and do not put that friendship above your own safety and ability to move on.
posted by Sara C. at 9:26 AM on July 23, 2010
That said, from here on out I'm going to assume that your boyfriend is a normal dude and that you have a healthy relationship that is not based on abuse. Only you can know whether I'm right about that, and I urge you to be honest with yourself. I'm a survivor of abuse so I know how difficult it can be to admit to yourself what's really going on. Good luck, and if you need any advice, memail me.
Does your boyfriend know that you're unhappy and thinking about leaving? Have you talked with him about your feelings? I was recently dumped by my boyfriend (who I did not live with), and one thing that was really hard about it was that he didn't let on at all that anything was up, until one day, out of the blue, he was all "oh btw this isn't working out, it's not you it's me, let's be friends, kthx". Which is really not a good way to break up with someone you're in a serious relationship with. I would urge you, if you're keeping your unhappiness bottled up, to talk to your boyfriend about how you feel at least a little bit before simply announcing that you've found a new apartment.
This will also make it a teensy bit easier to coordinate things like packing for a move without needing to be "inconspicuous" - he will know that things aren't working and that you don't want to live together anymore. Packing up your things comes with the territory, and unless he's an irrational beast of a man he's not going to try to prevent you from doing that (though he certainly might be obstructionist and claim that your things are his, you can't take this because of that reason, etc etc).
Re the niece. If the break-up is mutual and on relatively good terms (which from the rest of your post doesn't sound like it's the case), it would be fine for you to continue to see his niece. Though I would take it slow and maybe allow for a break so that you guys can get used to not coexisting for awhile - this is something I've done with my ex and his friends, who I like a lot and had gotten to be friends with. However. As I said above, I don't think this sounds like your relationship. If things are not mutual and your leaving is going to cause conflict that might get especially ugly, you might lose the friendship of the niece. It's something you should be prepared to deal with, and do not put that friendship above your own safety and ability to move on.
posted by Sara C. at 9:26 AM on July 23, 2010
1. "... without unleashing a torrent of anger" - this worries me. Is he typically violent? If you think your breaking up and moving out is going to make him angry, and that he might act on that anger, then that changes the answer to all the other questions. If you're worried about violence you call all your friends and say, "Meet me at my place 30 minutes after my boyfriend leaves for the day because we're getting all of my stuff out right now."
3. If this is a normal breakup then of course you should stay friends with her. You're not breaking up with her, you're breaking up with him.
4. There's not much you can do about this, short of stealing his computer and hoping he doesn't have them stored online somewhere.
5. He'll live. If it's an amicable breakup he can call you when he can't figure something out. If not, who cares if he can't figure something out?
6. If there's already arguing and constant accusations and stress, you don't need to explain. You just say you can't do it any more and leave.
The more I re-read your question the more I'm worried about the implications that he might be angry or violent. If that's the case, this is exactly what women's shelters are for. They give you a place to be safe. I don't know if you need it, but know that http://www.nolawomenshelter.org/ exists. The Crisis Line 24 Hour Program For Battered Women - (504) 837-5400 would likely have good advice as well.
I'm glad you have some couches to surf on. If you run out, please memail me. I'm in New Orleans and I'm sure I can find some of my female friends who would be willing to house someone for a short period.
Finally, I apologize if I'm reading too deeply into this and I'm being insulting by implying that your boyfriend could become abusive. I just feel it's better to be safe than sorry.
posted by komara at 9:28 AM on July 23, 2010 [7 favorites]
3. If this is a normal breakup then of course you should stay friends with her. You're not breaking up with her, you're breaking up with him.
4. There's not much you can do about this, short of stealing his computer and hoping he doesn't have them stored online somewhere.
5. He'll live. If it's an amicable breakup he can call you when he can't figure something out. If not, who cares if he can't figure something out?
6. If there's already arguing and constant accusations and stress, you don't need to explain. You just say you can't do it any more and leave.
The more I re-read your question the more I'm worried about the implications that he might be angry or violent. If that's the case, this is exactly what women's shelters are for. They give you a place to be safe. I don't know if you need it, but know that http://www.nolawomenshelter.org/ exists. The Crisis Line 24 Hour Program For Battered Women - (504) 837-5400 would likely have good advice as well.
I'm glad you have some couches to surf on. If you run out, please memail me. I'm in New Orleans and I'm sure I can find some of my female friends who would be willing to house someone for a short period.
Finally, I apologize if I'm reading too deeply into this and I'm being insulting by implying that your boyfriend could become abusive. I just feel it's better to be safe than sorry.
posted by komara at 9:28 AM on July 23, 2010 [7 favorites]
Well, he sounds pretty controlling and emotionally abusive from what you say. So here's my advice --
1. If at all possible consistent with your safety, find another place to live before the break up. Do your apartment hunting only when he is not around and wipe your computer history of the housing research you do, or go to a public location like the library and use their computers. Obviously you are not going to be able to tell him the truth about your activities -- that is OK when it is for your safety. He is not actually entitled to structure and control your life, so to the extent he does it, you are going to need to be a little sneaky here.
2. Plan a time to pack important belongings, such as your documents, when he will definitely be out of the home, and arrange for movers or friends to help you remove your property while he is not there. I.e., do it all at once (packing and moving out), but plan carefully in advance for what you will want to take and what you need to pack up.
3.Yes, you can still talk to his niece after the breakup, but be careful about disclosing your whereabouts.
4. I think pictures you don't want others to see are a real concern. Ideally, you'd want them destroyed and there are two possible strategies to accomplish that -- ask him nicely when you aren't fighting to do that while you are there, to put your mind at ease, OR destroy them yourself when he isn't around, close to the time you leave. If neither of these will work for you, I'd suggest you let him know in a civil way in writing when you leave that it is unlawful to publish those photos without your consent, and that you will take immediate legal action if that happens.
5. You don't need to write a list, but keeping it civil is a good idea, so if you can find time to draft one privately before you go, which you can leave when you depart, go ahead. If you don't have time to do it, don't worry about it. It is not much of a priority given the other tasks you have to accomplish.
6. I'd "tell him" by leaving a kind and civil letter behind on the day you pack and move out. Let him know in that that you don't want any further contact. (Keep a copy.) I would definitely not disclose your new whereabouts, and I'd suggest you change your phone numbers. If he knows your workplace, I'd give them a big heads up.
Be aware that separation is very correlated with physical violence. I am worried about that for you because he really does sound concerning to me. It is best to be safe. If you face any harassment or stalking behavior after you leave, don't hesitate to contact the police.
posted by bearwife at 9:33 AM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
1. If at all possible consistent with your safety, find another place to live before the break up. Do your apartment hunting only when he is not around and wipe your computer history of the housing research you do, or go to a public location like the library and use their computers. Obviously you are not going to be able to tell him the truth about your activities -- that is OK when it is for your safety. He is not actually entitled to structure and control your life, so to the extent he does it, you are going to need to be a little sneaky here.
2. Plan a time to pack important belongings, such as your documents, when he will definitely be out of the home, and arrange for movers or friends to help you remove your property while he is not there. I.e., do it all at once (packing and moving out), but plan carefully in advance for what you will want to take and what you need to pack up.
3.Yes, you can still talk to his niece after the breakup, but be careful about disclosing your whereabouts.
4. I think pictures you don't want others to see are a real concern. Ideally, you'd want them destroyed and there are two possible strategies to accomplish that -- ask him nicely when you aren't fighting to do that while you are there, to put your mind at ease, OR destroy them yourself when he isn't around, close to the time you leave. If neither of these will work for you, I'd suggest you let him know in a civil way in writing when you leave that it is unlawful to publish those photos without your consent, and that you will take immediate legal action if that happens.
5. You don't need to write a list, but keeping it civil is a good idea, so if you can find time to draft one privately before you go, which you can leave when you depart, go ahead. If you don't have time to do it, don't worry about it. It is not much of a priority given the other tasks you have to accomplish.
6. I'd "tell him" by leaving a kind and civil letter behind on the day you pack and move out. Let him know in that that you don't want any further contact. (Keep a copy.) I would definitely not disclose your new whereabouts, and I'd suggest you change your phone numbers. If he knows your workplace, I'd give them a big heads up.
Be aware that separation is very correlated with physical violence. I am worried about that for you because he really does sound concerning to me. It is best to be safe. If you face any harassment or stalking behavior after you leave, don't hesitate to contact the police.
posted by bearwife at 9:33 AM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
It sounds like your situation was much more stressful than mine, but this is what I did:
1. Plan your escape.
* Start squirreling extra money away, if necessary. Sharing expenses with someone is rough, and some folks don't have individual savings.
* Time your breakup. It sounds shitty, but it's important. You don't want to be couch surfing for a month, and you don't want to end up back in the old house. You'll want to be able to find an apartment within a week of two of leaving. A week or two before the next month is perfect, as you'll likely be able to find a place (which probably won't be perfect, but that's okay for now) that is still available for rent.
* Think about how your BF will handle the break up. Will he get angry? Will he try to destroy your property if you leave it there? Do you think he'd try to hurt you? This is all important for later.
2. Contact your friends. Close friends who will most likely be ONLY your friends or who will "take your side" after the break up are preferred, obviously. You'll probably want to keep your temporary living situation from your BF if he's the angry type. Arrange to sleep on one of their couch/extra beds for a week or two while you find a place.
3. When the time is right, leave. Pack a bag and GTFO. You just need enough to last you few days, for now. I left in the middle of the night. You can go back a few days later after your ex leaves for work to get more clothing, if necessary.
4. Start looking for an apartment the next day. Seriously. Don't wait. Don't wallow. Get on it. You'll have (hopefully) about 1-2 weeks before the new month, so there should be a few things still available. Again, they won't be perfect, and you might have to compromise a lot to get out of there. I lived with a weird slightly older woman with a cat after I moved out. It was the smallest place I had ever lived, but it worked and it was cheap. Try to sign a month-to-month or 6 month lease. A sublet is great, too. This can be viewed as a transitional place, or you could find the perfect place. You don't know.
5. Once you find a place or you have some solid leads, arrange for a day or two off from work to get your stuff. Find some friends/family who can help you move during those days. You may need to do this sooner if your EX is the angry type. As much as it hurts, take only personal items that are yours. Forget the furniture (unless it is a family heirloom or something you made, maybe), don't worry about going through ALL of the books or ALL of the DVDs. Get your stuff (clothes, accessories, photos, etc.) and worry about shared stuff when things simmer down. If your EX is "fine" with everything, simply arrange for him to be away one Saturday/Sunday might be more convenient.
6. After you've moved, talk to your ex about shared items. Schedule a time to get together to go through them. I was overly willing to let my EX keep things. I broke his heart, I wasn't trying to take everything away from him as well. If you feel like you "bought" a lot of the stuff, you may feel differently. Just try not to make a huge fuss. It's hard enough as it is. This is a good time to go through the list of things you did in the house that you'd need to inform him about. If you feel it's necessary to give him a list, that's fine. Transfer any utilities out of your name, etc.
7. Life your life.
I know how hard it is to get out of this situation. I actually tried to leave once before and failed. Memail me if you need support or have other questions. Be strong!
posted by two lights above the sea at 9:34 AM on July 23, 2010 [3 favorites]
1. Plan your escape.
* Start squirreling extra money away, if necessary. Sharing expenses with someone is rough, and some folks don't have individual savings.
* Time your breakup. It sounds shitty, but it's important. You don't want to be couch surfing for a month, and you don't want to end up back in the old house. You'll want to be able to find an apartment within a week of two of leaving. A week or two before the next month is perfect, as you'll likely be able to find a place (which probably won't be perfect, but that's okay for now) that is still available for rent.
* Think about how your BF will handle the break up. Will he get angry? Will he try to destroy your property if you leave it there? Do you think he'd try to hurt you? This is all important for later.
2. Contact your friends. Close friends who will most likely be ONLY your friends or who will "take your side" after the break up are preferred, obviously. You'll probably want to keep your temporary living situation from your BF if he's the angry type. Arrange to sleep on one of their couch/extra beds for a week or two while you find a place.
3. When the time is right, leave. Pack a bag and GTFO. You just need enough to last you few days, for now. I left in the middle of the night. You can go back a few days later after your ex leaves for work to get more clothing, if necessary.
4. Start looking for an apartment the next day. Seriously. Don't wait. Don't wallow. Get on it. You'll have (hopefully) about 1-2 weeks before the new month, so there should be a few things still available. Again, they won't be perfect, and you might have to compromise a lot to get out of there. I lived with a weird slightly older woman with a cat after I moved out. It was the smallest place I had ever lived, but it worked and it was cheap. Try to sign a month-to-month or 6 month lease. A sublet is great, too. This can be viewed as a transitional place, or you could find the perfect place. You don't know.
5. Once you find a place or you have some solid leads, arrange for a day or two off from work to get your stuff. Find some friends/family who can help you move during those days. You may need to do this sooner if your EX is the angry type. As much as it hurts, take only personal items that are yours. Forget the furniture (unless it is a family heirloom or something you made, maybe), don't worry about going through ALL of the books or ALL of the DVDs. Get your stuff (clothes, accessories, photos, etc.) and worry about shared stuff when things simmer down. If your EX is "fine" with everything, simply arrange for him to be away one Saturday/Sunday might be more convenient.
6. After you've moved, talk to your ex about shared items. Schedule a time to get together to go through them. I was overly willing to let my EX keep things. I broke his heart, I wasn't trying to take everything away from him as well. If you feel like you "bought" a lot of the stuff, you may feel differently. Just try not to make a huge fuss. It's hard enough as it is. This is a good time to go through the list of things you did in the house that you'd need to inform him about. If you feel it's necessary to give him a list, that's fine. Transfer any utilities out of your name, etc.
7. Life your life.
I know how hard it is to get out of this situation. I actually tried to leave once before and failed. Memail me if you need support or have other questions. Be strong!
posted by two lights above the sea at 9:34 AM on July 23, 2010 [3 favorites]
You should totally talk to the women's shelter linked to by komara. Forgive me too for reading into your questions. You've got a messy situation and I feel for you. The people at the shelter will be able to give you good resources for doing this breakup, or they will put you in touch with the people who do that stuff.
If you're worried that your problem doesn't meet some criteria to be considered "serious" enough for help, or anything like that, just don't. The people at the shelter won't judge you. Everyone's circumstances are different and they'll help you figure out what you need to do.
I used to volunteer for a place kind of like that and all the volunteers received intensive training. We all were there because we really wanted to help people figure out what's best for them. There weren't any kids there padding out resumes. You sound super strong and organized already. Reaching out for help from local people will get you through this. Good luck.
posted by vincele at 9:37 AM on July 23, 2010
If you're worried that your problem doesn't meet some criteria to be considered "serious" enough for help, or anything like that, just don't. The people at the shelter won't judge you. Everyone's circumstances are different and they'll help you figure out what you need to do.
I used to volunteer for a place kind of like that and all the volunteers received intensive training. We all were there because we really wanted to help people figure out what's best for them. There weren't any kids there padding out resumes. You sound super strong and organized already. Reaching out for help from local people will get you through this. Good luck.
posted by vincele at 9:37 AM on July 23, 2010
Nthing not to hesitate to contact a woman's shelter or DV organization for advice. Should have said that too.
posted by bearwife at 9:40 AM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by bearwife at 9:40 AM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Please break up with him before he enters the millitary. Dont be the one responsible for him dying because hes thinking more about you just have broken up with him then the person shooting at him.
Do it before he joins.
posted by majortom1981 at 9:44 AM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Do it before he joins.
posted by majortom1981 at 9:44 AM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dont be the one responsible for him dying because hes thinking more about you just have broken up with him then the person shooting at him.
I understand the idea here... a distracted soldier is a dead soldier, but he'll have months or years of training before he deploys anywhere.
posted by Jahaza at 9:50 AM on July 23, 2010 [10 favorites]
I understand the idea here... a distracted soldier is a dead soldier, but he'll have months or years of training before he deploys anywhere.
posted by Jahaza at 9:50 AM on July 23, 2010 [10 favorites]
He'll be in basic for long enough to get over you. They will also keep him busy enough. don't let what majortom said affect you if the safest plan is to leave him when he goes in.
That having been said if you can get out quicker that is probably best.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:54 AM on July 23, 2010 [5 favorites]
That having been said if you can get out quicker that is probably best.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:54 AM on July 23, 2010 [5 favorites]
Even if you don't feel like you are personally battered or abused or what have you, so you think you don't "qualify" for help from a shelter, they will still be very happy to help you coordinate logistics - it doesn't have to be a worst case (or even a bad case) for them to help.
posted by Pants! at 9:58 AM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Pants! at 9:58 AM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
I understand the idea here... a distracted soldier is a dead soldier, but he'll have months or years of training before he deploys anywhere.
All of which have ample opportunity to get himself killed. Depending on the branch, he'll be working with live ammunition within weeks of intake.
This leaves aside the stress and homesickness of just being in basic. Breaking up with him while he is at basic would be cruel.
If you think it's safe to, I would urge you to make the break before he goes.
As for the rest of it, the other users have you covered. As the song goes, there are 50 ways to leave your lover. Do you what you need to protect yourself and your sanity. He'll be fine or not, but it is not your problem anymore.
If you are convinced that this is how it has to be, then make a plan, get your ducks in a row and make your break. Do it all at once, because few things suck more than a protracted breakup and "I forgot [important memento] could I please get it back sometime" discussions.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 10:00 AM on July 23, 2010
All of which have ample opportunity to get himself killed. Depending on the branch, he'll be working with live ammunition within weeks of intake.
This leaves aside the stress and homesickness of just being in basic. Breaking up with him while he is at basic would be cruel.
If you think it's safe to, I would urge you to make the break before he goes.
As for the rest of it, the other users have you covered. As the song goes, there are 50 ways to leave your lover. Do you what you need to protect yourself and your sanity. He'll be fine or not, but it is not your problem anymore.
If you are convinced that this is how it has to be, then make a plan, get your ducks in a row and make your break. Do it all at once, because few things suck more than a protracted breakup and "I forgot [important memento] could I please get it back sometime" discussions.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 10:00 AM on July 23, 2010
Considering the number of dudes who dumped their girlfriends while they were deployed, I think it's a perfectly acceptable thing to do. Unless you have specific reason to think otherwise, like he has a history of suicide attempts or once held up the local bank because you guys were having a fight.
Your life has to move on regardless of your boyfriend's delicate fee-fees. Managing his hurt and anger is his responsibility, not yours. Whether he's in New Orleans or Kabul.
posted by Sara C. at 10:05 AM on July 23, 2010 [4 favorites]
Your life has to move on regardless of your boyfriend's delicate fee-fees. Managing his hurt and anger is his responsibility, not yours. Whether he's in New Orleans or Kabul.
posted by Sara C. at 10:05 AM on July 23, 2010 [4 favorites]
Even if you don't feel like you are personally battered or abused or what have you, so you think you don't "qualify" for help from a shelter, they will still be very happy to help you coordinate logistics - it doesn't have to be a worst case (or even a bad case) for them to help.
Do you work in DV services? I'm just curious to know how you came up with this answer. With the way funding for shelter services are so stretched in most counties right now even women with documented histories of violent physical abuse are often not capable of accessing domestic violence services, so I'm not sure why you think someone who, at least according to the information shared here, does not have that history will receive services. Does the OP have family and friends? Does she have friends who can escort her to her old place and help her sort through her things? Can she afford a storage unit while she crashes on a friend's couch for a minute? There's a range of possibilities that preclude "go to a domestic violence shelter" when the OP has not reported domestic violence in her question and those resources are already strained so badly the women who need them can't get them. Sending this woman to a DV shelter, assuming there's nothing else to be inferred besides what's reported here, is just going to be a waste of her time, because right now nobody's just happily giving out services regardless of whether someone qualifies, in fact, women with real needs are being turned away in droves. At least, that's what DV people in Philly tell me, maybe it's different down south.
posted by The Straightener at 10:11 AM on July 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
Do you work in DV services? I'm just curious to know how you came up with this answer. With the way funding for shelter services are so stretched in most counties right now even women with documented histories of violent physical abuse are often not capable of accessing domestic violence services, so I'm not sure why you think someone who, at least according to the information shared here, does not have that history will receive services. Does the OP have family and friends? Does she have friends who can escort her to her old place and help her sort through her things? Can she afford a storage unit while she crashes on a friend's couch for a minute? There's a range of possibilities that preclude "go to a domestic violence shelter" when the OP has not reported domestic violence in her question and those resources are already strained so badly the women who need them can't get them. Sending this woman to a DV shelter, assuming there's nothing else to be inferred besides what's reported here, is just going to be a waste of her time, because right now nobody's just happily giving out services regardless of whether someone qualifies, in fact, women with real needs are being turned away in droves. At least, that's what DV people in Philly tell me, maybe it's different down south.
posted by The Straightener at 10:11 AM on July 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
I do work with DV Services, The Straightener, and know that they would certainly be willing to help around here with advice and logistics suggestions for a woman trying to leave a relationship with a man who structures her time, and whose anger she fears.
I do agree that there may not be shelter space, but that is a different issue.
FYI I am in the Pacific NW, Seattle area, and we're all budget strapped here too.
posted by bearwife at 10:19 AM on July 23, 2010 [9 favorites]
I do agree that there may not be shelter space, but that is a different issue.
FYI I am in the Pacific NW, Seattle area, and we're all budget strapped here too.
posted by bearwife at 10:19 AM on July 23, 2010 [9 favorites]
as far as #2 is concerned- the mess with your stuff intermingled- can't you just tell him, "hey, our stuff is so disorganized, i can't find anything anymore! let's have some spring cleaning." that way you can arrange all your important things like documents together without arousing suspicion, hopefully. because i do think its important for you to move all your stuff in one sweep when he's gone, and it will become incredibly stressful if you end up only being able to find half of what you're looking for by the time he's about to come home.
posted by lblair at 10:21 AM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by lblair at 10:21 AM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Re: your question #2, could you not just be on a cleaning-up kick? Would that not potentially be something that would help him? (I phrase it that way because this fear of anger makes me assume that many of your communications are designed at placating him.)
posted by salvia at 10:29 AM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 10:29 AM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm surprised I'm not seeing this, but don't you have friends who could come over with you when you break up with him? This is par for the course, ime, if there is any chance of a blow up.
Traditionally, you and your friends show up with a truck, make the announcement, and clear all your stuff out at the same time. Large male friends are nice, but having any people there tend to keep things quieter.
Nothing wrong with couch surfing a week or two, either, imo, or even a month, if you have a friend who's up for it. It's nice to be with people who you know care for you when you're going through something that stressful.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:43 AM on July 23, 2010
Traditionally, you and your friends show up with a truck, make the announcement, and clear all your stuff out at the same time. Large male friends are nice, but having any people there tend to keep things quieter.
Nothing wrong with couch surfing a week or two, either, imo, or even a month, if you have a friend who's up for it. It's nice to be with people who you know care for you when you're going through something that stressful.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:43 AM on July 23, 2010
I do agree that there may not be shelter space, but that is a different issue.
Also, I think there's a general lack of experience with the shelters themselves in this community that leads to hasty recommendations of utilizing them. Shelters vary from county to county, and many domestic violence shelters aren't awesome places, they're plain old shitty homeless shelters where a woman is going to be surrounded by a lot of other women with addiction and/or mental health problems in substandard conditions with little to no privacy where she's not going to get much sleep and may not receive much in terms of services. If she needs DV services, outpatient services can be arranged in the community, and if she has a safe and supportive place to stay with people who love her and care about her that would always be my first recommendation. "Go to shelter" is a recommendation I would make only if a woman had no other housing options or felt unsafe utilizing those options, neither of which has been established here. "Go to shelter" is never a first choice, it's a last resort. If it's necessary, especially in a DV case, yes, access the services but I'm not really getting that from this question as it is asked here.
posted by The Straightener at 10:44 AM on July 23, 2010
Also, I think there's a general lack of experience with the shelters themselves in this community that leads to hasty recommendations of utilizing them. Shelters vary from county to county, and many domestic violence shelters aren't awesome places, they're plain old shitty homeless shelters where a woman is going to be surrounded by a lot of other women with addiction and/or mental health problems in substandard conditions with little to no privacy where she's not going to get much sleep and may not receive much in terms of services. If she needs DV services, outpatient services can be arranged in the community, and if she has a safe and supportive place to stay with people who love her and care about her that would always be my first recommendation. "Go to shelter" is a recommendation I would make only if a woman had no other housing options or felt unsafe utilizing those options, neither of which has been established here. "Go to shelter" is never a first choice, it's a last resort. If it's necessary, especially in a DV case, yes, access the services but I'm not really getting that from this question as it is asked here.
posted by The Straightener at 10:44 AM on July 23, 2010
1. Don't. Find a short-term (three months?) room mate situation on Craigslist or your local paper and just take it. You can work out a longer term solution once you're out.
2. Slowly and by prioritising. Legal documents, yes. Yearbooks, no. Anything you do not have to have to pick your life back up and move it forward is optional. Can you store papers in your car or at work or with a friend? Can you mail them to a PO Box?
3. Yes but don't let her know where you're living if you don't want it to get back to him.
4. Yes.
5. No. You are not his mother. He's an adult. He'll figure it out like the other adults.
6. Do whatever is easiest for you. Prioritise yourself. If that means leaving a note, even one saying "I'll call in a few days" then do that.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:59 AM on July 23, 2010
2. Slowly and by prioritising. Legal documents, yes. Yearbooks, no. Anything you do not have to have to pick your life back up and move it forward is optional. Can you store papers in your car or at work or with a friend? Can you mail them to a PO Box?
3. Yes but don't let her know where you're living if you don't want it to get back to him.
4. Yes.
5. No. You are not his mother. He's an adult. He'll figure it out like the other adults.
6. Do whatever is easiest for you. Prioritise yourself. If that means leaving a note, even one saying "I'll call in a few days" then do that.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:59 AM on July 23, 2010
there's a world of difference between "go to a shelter expecting a bed" and "contact a shelter for suggestions on how to extract yourself from a potentially dangerous situation". most of the people in this thread are saying the latter, but are getting scolded like they suggested the former.
if he's enlisting within the next month, wait for him to enlist and when he's off for the all day physical or whatever - get all your friends over, a moving truck, and haul it all out. make sure you only take what you can defend as your property. put all your stuff in storage for a month and couch surf or stay at a "rent by the week" motel until you can find a place to move into.
i disagree with pretty much everyone with regards to the niece. it's sad that relationship will have to suffer - but if he's controlling and scary and maybe violent, you have to cut all ties, and that means ties to his family. otherwise you're keeping a toe in all the drama. if she's over 12 or so, send her a letter on the day you move out. explain that you love her, that you care for her, that this is all messy and absolutely not her fault. tell her that in 6 months to a year when things calm down, you'd like to write her again. tell her you don't want her to pick sides. if she's younger, write her the same letter but without the "writing you in a year" part. if it's hard for you to "break up" with her too, think of it like this - if he's that controlling, what sort of 3rd degree do you think he will give her if he knows you guys are still talking. you'd basically be asking her to lie for you or you are putting her in a proxy position for his anger and frustration. care for her enough not to do that.
posted by nadawi at 11:25 AM on July 23, 2010 [5 favorites]
if he's enlisting within the next month, wait for him to enlist and when he's off for the all day physical or whatever - get all your friends over, a moving truck, and haul it all out. make sure you only take what you can defend as your property. put all your stuff in storage for a month and couch surf or stay at a "rent by the week" motel until you can find a place to move into.
i disagree with pretty much everyone with regards to the niece. it's sad that relationship will have to suffer - but if he's controlling and scary and maybe violent, you have to cut all ties, and that means ties to his family. otherwise you're keeping a toe in all the drama. if she's over 12 or so, send her a letter on the day you move out. explain that you love her, that you care for her, that this is all messy and absolutely not her fault. tell her that in 6 months to a year when things calm down, you'd like to write her again. tell her you don't want her to pick sides. if she's younger, write her the same letter but without the "writing you in a year" part. if it's hard for you to "break up" with her too, think of it like this - if he's that controlling, what sort of 3rd degree do you think he will give her if he knows you guys are still talking. you'd basically be asking her to lie for you or you are putting her in a proxy position for his anger and frustration. care for her enough not to do that.
posted by nadawi at 11:25 AM on July 23, 2010 [5 favorites]
I'm recommending contact with DV services, the Straightener, not going to a shelter. The first responder you critiqued on this thread similarly suggested asking for advice on logistics, not going to a shelter.
I'd add, because it bears repeating, that this relationship already sounds like DV to me. The essence of DV is power and control, which is what seems to be going on. In addition, separation is a huge risk factor, and another risk factor is the OP's fear of her BF. So I can't imagine a DV outfit that wouldn't be willing to help with some advice and suggestions to prevent this breakup from turning really dangerous.
posted by bearwife at 11:41 AM on July 23, 2010 [4 favorites]
I'd add, because it bears repeating, that this relationship already sounds like DV to me. The essence of DV is power and control, which is what seems to be going on. In addition, separation is a huge risk factor, and another risk factor is the OP's fear of her BF. So I can't imagine a DV outfit that wouldn't be willing to help with some advice and suggestions to prevent this breakup from turning really dangerous.
posted by bearwife at 11:41 AM on July 23, 2010 [4 favorites]
I think you should drop contact with the niece, I'm sorry to say.
1. she's not your family and isn't going to be. In life, you're kind of forced to choose sides sometimes, and she's already forced to be on his. You don't get to keep your ex's cool family and friends after a breakup unless it's a really easy breakup, and if this guy is unhinged, it won't be.
2. If he's really a rageaholic that we're worried enough about that you might need to go to a shelter, I would worry about her safety if she was still talking to you (even if she didn't know where you were) and he found out about it and tried to get it out of her.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:17 PM on July 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
1. she's not your family and isn't going to be. In life, you're kind of forced to choose sides sometimes, and she's already forced to be on his. You don't get to keep your ex's cool family and friends after a breakup unless it's a really easy breakup, and if this guy is unhinged, it won't be.
2. If he's really a rageaholic that we're worried enough about that you might need to go to a shelter, I would worry about her safety if she was still talking to you (even if she didn't know where you were) and he found out about it and tried to get it out of her.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:17 PM on July 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
Has he gone to MEPS yet? (One of the stages in enlisting.) That would be a perfect time to bug out.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:40 PM on July 23, 2010
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:40 PM on July 23, 2010
..All of which have ample opportunity to get himself killed. Depending on the branch, he'll be working with live ammunition within weeks of intake..
Oh FFS--Drama much? ...Nobody likes being broken up with, and yet almost every adult gets over it without needing to be swaddled in cotton. It sounds like OP's done enough contorting to this man's edicts and now needs to to do what is best for OP. If boyfriend's as controlling and volatile as OP's question suggests, it probably won't be the first or last time he gets his walking papers.
posted by applemeat at 2:07 PM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh FFS--Drama much? ...Nobody likes being broken up with, and yet almost every adult gets over it without needing to be swaddled in cotton. It sounds like OP's done enough contorting to this man's edicts and now needs to to do what is best for OP. If boyfriend's as controlling and volatile as OP's question suggests, it probably won't be the first or last time he gets his walking papers.
posted by applemeat at 2:07 PM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
...he'll have months or years of training before he deploys anywhere.
All of which have ample opportunity to get himself killed.
Frankly, this isn't his ex's problem.
OP, take care of yourself. Your soon-to-be-ex can take care of himself.
posted by coolguymichael at 2:14 PM on July 23, 2010
All of which have ample opportunity to get himself killed.
Frankly, this isn't his ex's problem.
OP, take care of yourself. Your soon-to-be-ex can take care of himself.
posted by coolguymichael at 2:14 PM on July 23, 2010
Oh FFS--Drama much? ...Nobody likes being broken up with, and yet almost every adult gets over it without needing to be swaddled in cotton. It sounds like OP's done enough contorting to this man's edicts and now needs to to do what is best for OP. If boyfriend's as controlling and volatile as OP's question suggests, it probably won't be the first or last time he gets his walking papers.
I don't disagree that the OP needs to do what she needs to do, and her safety is paramount. Breaking up is hard on everyone involved, and fear of the other person's reaction makes it tougher no matter what your gender is. The OP has my sympathies and good wishes.
But, look, basic training isn't a picnic - it's incredibly stressful. A combination of that and a breakup probably won't kill him, or even hurt him. But it's not unheard of. So, if there is room for her take that into consideration, she should. He is still a human, after all.
That was my point, and I'm very sorry it got missed.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 2:30 PM on July 23, 2010
I don't disagree that the OP needs to do what she needs to do, and her safety is paramount. Breaking up is hard on everyone involved, and fear of the other person's reaction makes it tougher no matter what your gender is. The OP has my sympathies and good wishes.
But, look, basic training isn't a picnic - it's incredibly stressful. A combination of that and a breakup probably won't kill him, or even hurt him. But it's not unheard of. So, if there is room for her take that into consideration, she should. He is still a human, after all.
That was my point, and I'm very sorry it got missed.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 2:30 PM on July 23, 2010
You can call your police department and have an officer supervise while you're getting your belongings out of the apartment to make sure your (soon-to-be-ex) boyfriend doesn't get violent.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 2:31 PM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by MaryDellamorte at 2:31 PM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
A lot of good advice here. I just want to add that you should not use your home computer to make any plans for your move-out. If you are using your regular email account, go somewhere else and change the login and password. Delete all messages/texts and your call log from your phone (if possible). If he's as controlling and paranoid as he sounds from this post, he may have a keylogger installed on your computer or may be monitoring your email. Assume the worst and protect yourself.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:07 PM on July 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:07 PM on July 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
Slowly clean stuff up and mail the important stuff to family or friends who will hold it for you. Generally all of the really important stuff like documents are small enough to be cheaply mailed. As far as your big stuff, get a police escort or get multiple friends to come help you move it when he's NOT home.
posted by elpea at 3:49 PM on July 23, 2010
posted by elpea at 3:49 PM on July 23, 2010
My thinking is to definitely get the photos he has of you (and the negatives). For me this would be the very first thing I would do. All the other things you can't leave behind would be the second thing.
These things should be done while he still knows nothing so that you have time to get them together. The next thing would be to call or go to a storage place and put a deposit on a space you feel will hold all of your things. Then call movers and set a time for when you know he will be gone for at least three hours.
Meanwhile, arrange to couch surf somewhere where A) you know they won't tell him where you are and B) where you can stay for at least a month.
As for the neice - she's his blood. Even if she contacts you (I can't say whether it's right or wrong to continue talking to her), my instincts would be to make a clean break and respect that she is his family and not continue any contact.
posted by marimeko at 4:02 PM on July 23, 2010
These things should be done while he still knows nothing so that you have time to get them together. The next thing would be to call or go to a storage place and put a deposit on a space you feel will hold all of your things. Then call movers and set a time for when you know he will be gone for at least three hours.
Meanwhile, arrange to couch surf somewhere where A) you know they won't tell him where you are and B) where you can stay for at least a month.
As for the neice - she's his blood. Even if she contacts you (I can't say whether it's right or wrong to continue talking to her), my instincts would be to make a clean break and respect that she is his family and not continue any contact.
posted by marimeko at 4:02 PM on July 23, 2010
Dont be the one responsible for him dying because hes thinking more about you just have broken up with him then the person shooting at him.
She wouldn't be responsible for him dying if she broke up with him five minutes before he deployed. It's absurd to conflate her breaking up with him with any consequences of his job.
posted by jayder at 7:06 AM on July 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
She wouldn't be responsible for him dying if she broke up with him five minutes before he deployed. It's absurd to conflate her breaking up with him with any consequences of his job.
posted by jayder at 7:06 AM on July 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
Anonymous, I keep worrying about you. Can you add a comment at some point about how you are doing?
posted by bearwife at 2:29 PM on July 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by bearwife at 2:29 PM on July 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
OP sockpuppet here. I'm okay.
This is going to take about a month to pull off. I replied to a few craigslist ads for housing, and one of them happened to be someone I used to be good friends with. That room opens up September 1.
He went to MEPS a few weeks ago and ships to basic in late October. I'm not going to wait that long or I would lose my nerve. I know I've presented my situation as sounding awful but I love this man more than words can say and it is killing me to realize that the relationship is not good for me.
I guess I have a lot of work to do this month. I want to clean up the house so I can surreptitiously begin extricating my things from his. Then the first week in September I will stay home while he is at work and do all my moving with the help of the friend I will be living with. Then I can suggest we go to dinner somewhere so he doesn't come home and see all my stuff gone, and I can break the news to him there.
I appreciate all the help and well-wishes. AskMe is wonderful. To assuage some of your fears, I don't think he will become violent but I do think he will yell, and I don't handle that well.
This is so hard.
posted by hopemeplease at 9:52 AM on July 26, 2010
This is going to take about a month to pull off. I replied to a few craigslist ads for housing, and one of them happened to be someone I used to be good friends with. That room opens up September 1.
He went to MEPS a few weeks ago and ships to basic in late October. I'm not going to wait that long or I would lose my nerve. I know I've presented my situation as sounding awful but I love this man more than words can say and it is killing me to realize that the relationship is not good for me.
I guess I have a lot of work to do this month. I want to clean up the house so I can surreptitiously begin extricating my things from his. Then the first week in September I will stay home while he is at work and do all my moving with the help of the friend I will be living with. Then I can suggest we go to dinner somewhere so he doesn't come home and see all my stuff gone, and I can break the news to him there.
I appreciate all the help and well-wishes. AskMe is wonderful. To assuage some of your fears, I don't think he will become violent but I do think he will yell, and I don't handle that well.
This is so hard.
posted by hopemeplease at 9:52 AM on July 26, 2010
I'm very glad to hear that you don't think he'll become violent. That is a massive load off my mind. I'm also glad you're able to do this - so many people get stuck in the wrong situation and just sit and fester and die inside. I know it'll be tough but from everything you've said you're doing the right thing.
posted by komara at 10:25 AM on July 26, 2010
posted by komara at 10:25 AM on July 26, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:00 AM on July 23, 2010 [3 favorites]