How important is it that two people in a relationship have a similar sense of humor?

July 22, 2010 9:24 PM

How important is it that two people in a relationship have a similar sense of humor?

I'm curious to hear other peoples' opinions about how much a similar sense of humor matters in a partner. Laughter and humor are very important to me and I love to joke around. Ideally I'd want to marry someone who's the same way and who laughs at my jokes and finds a lot of the same things funny. I find that most people are more serious than I am or find different things funny. So I'd love to hear your experiences in this area: if your partner doesn't share your sense of humor, finds different things funny, etc, are you ok with this? Are there ways you work around it or get your humor fix elsewhere? How important do you feel this is in a relationship? (I realize the answer to this last one will vary quite a bit by person but I'm interested to hear your thoughts and experiences nonetheless.)

Thank you!

posted by whitelily to human relations (31 answers total)

I think if not a similar sense of humor, then a willingness to at least indulge/respect the the person is very important in a relationship. In my case, I tend to be more serious when I am stressed out, and am in a phase in my life where I am stressed out a lot! My SO is a very jokey person, and while there are times that I just want to roll my eyes, I understand that his humor is one of the things that drew me to him in the first place. So I do my best to enjoy the moment and to show my appreciation. On the other hand, when I am really not in the mood, he does his best to show respect and tone down a bit. It's not always perfect, but there's no such thing as perfection in relationships.

Like I said, it's more of a willingness to accept and accomodate that is very important. Being on the same page is great, but I don't think that being on different pages (as long as there is willingness) needs to be a deal-breaker.
posted by DeltaForce at 9:39 PM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

My grandparents were married for 64 years and they found each other funny. Honest to goodness laughing from the gut is just as good as sex I think. It would be a bummer to spend a lot of time together and not be able to share that 'laugh so hard til your side hurt' sort of feeling.
posted by ian1977 at 9:41 PM on July 22, 2010 [10 favorites]

I used to think it was weird that people made such a big deal out of the role of humor in a relationship. I think I understand now.

It's partly just an aspect of enjoying the other person's company. If you find your SO hilarious then it's a lot more fun to be around them.

But mainly it's that humor reflects core components of one's personality.

Rarely, I've found, will you encounter someone whose humor encompasses both wry sarcasm and bawdy double entendres.

A person with a great sense of humor may lean far more heavily towards one of these than the other. But greatness is in the eye of the beholder. A quiet, introverted intellectual type will probably find a person with the former sense of humor far more engaging and interesting than a person with the latter sense of humor. The opposite may be true of someone who's talkative, outgoing, etc. So it's not so much a matter of finding someone with a good sense of humor, it's finding a person with a similar sense of humor. And it's not so much about the humor itself as what the humor is indicative of.

Obviously these are pretty sweeping generalizations, but I don't think they're altogether unreasonable.
posted by resiny at 9:42 PM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

My husband and I find different things funny. Well, that's not entirely true; there's a big overlap in our senses of humor, but I definitely find things funny that he doesn't. This is partly because I like frickin TERRIBLE jokes, like this one:

Q: Why are elephants big and grey?
A: Because if they were small and white, they'd be tic-tacs!

See? Horrible joke. Makes me crack up every time. My husband just shakes his head and sighs. But there are definitely things that we both laugh hard at, and I think our relationship would be weaker without it.
posted by KathrynT at 9:46 PM on July 22, 2010 [5 favorites]

If it's important to you then it's important. Otherwise, it's not. If you love humor and want it to be a big part of your life and your relationship, you should obviously look for someone who fills that need. If grilled cheese sandwiches are your thing, then find someone who's into that. And take my wife, please.
posted by sanko at 9:46 PM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

I think a sense of humour is a pretty wonderful thing to have in common. I don't think two people can expect to find all of the same things to be funny all the time but it's nice to have enough commonality that you can occasionally laugh really hard with each other. I suppose, like everything, it's a matter of degree.
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:51 PM on July 22, 2010

I don't think you need the same sense of humour, but I do know that certain divergences are deal breakers. I dated a woman who just did not see the humor in the Three Stooges and slapstick in general. Too friggin serious. We ended up breaking up over something else, but it was only a matter of time. She just never saw the absurdities of life the way I did either.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:53 PM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think that having a SIMILAR sense of humor is incredibly important. Mrs Thabombsheltersmith and I find different specific things funny, but we both appreciate the same kind of humor.

I think that for a relationship to last, I think DeltaForce hit the nail on the head. If you're not exactly alike, you have to at least respect and indulge your partner now and again.
posted by ThaBombShelterSmith at 10:01 PM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

This is a great question! I too find that laughter and finding the funny sides of things are absolutely indispensable to a decently-regulated life. That being said...

First question: The only way this would be a deal-breaker is if said partner was REALLY humorless, not just if they found different things funny. Chances are, I would have just never thought of it before and it probably IS funny if you can get into his/her head enough to "get it." I've found that you can really get to know someone by what they laugh at and what they (inexplicably, usually) don't, and it can be a really cool experience to meet someone whose sense of humor doesn't exactly match yours - as long as they have one!

Second question: I've really never been in a relationship with anyone by whom I was not entertained (and could entertain) sufficiently. That's because I would know by about the first half-hour that this would be the case, and, yes, it was a huge deal-breaker. That hasn't happened very much though (in fact, I can only think of one really striking example at the moment).

Third question: It is everything, yet it is also nothing. This is really hard to explain - analysis of humor almost always falls flat. But I'll try, via personal example. My current boyfriend is just utterly hilarious - but sometimes he's not. Sometimes he doesn't think I'm funny at all, but usually he does. One thing we have in common, though, without which we would have killed each other long ago, is that we value laughter and find humor in the dumbest, smartest, most random things in the world. It's not necessarily a matter of knowing all the same jokes or finding the exact same things funny - it's more about being able to express your own particular and peculiar views on things and your SO being able to "get" where you're coming from. And it's also just being able to see the hilarity in absurdity, too. I know this is terribly vague, but it's SO HARD to analyze funny things!

BF likes to make up impromptu lyrics to songs on the radio. You know that song about "when a heart breaks it don't break even," and there's this line that goes "I'm falling to PIIIIEEEEEE-ces, yeah?" One time we were driving somewhere, just quietly thinking, and that song came on. It made it about halfway through, and all of a sudden he starts singing, "Assortments of CHEEEEEEEE-ses, yeah." I still giggle about that when I'm laying in bed at night and can't sleep. So, yeah, humor is variable.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 10:01 PM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

Laughter and humor are very important to me and I love to joke around. Ideally I'd want to marry someone who's the same way and who laughs at my jokes and finds a lot of the same things funny.

I find that sense of humor, and especially finding each other funny, is a huge contributor in finding someone attractive. So, chances are, unless someone is just laughing at your jokes to get you into bed, I don't think this is too outlandish of a criterion.

The only issues I've had with partners not sharing my sense of humor is when someone just doesn't see things in a humorous way - takes the world way too seriously and can't let loose and have FUN sometimes. That said, what I said above seems to hold true; this has never really been an issue for me because I find funny/fun/relaxed people attractive, and tend to attract similar folks.
posted by Sara C. at 10:25 PM on July 22, 2010

Mandatory.

That is all.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:30 PM on July 22, 2010

In relationships and in life, people use humor as a coping mechanism when things get tough or as a crutch during arguments. So, if the comedic sensibilities of two people are way off, then that might be a problem during, for instance, a heated discussion where you make a joke in an attempt to lighten the mood the would just make things far worse. In that sense, I would say it's extremely important.

A sense of humor is bigger than 'will he find my jokes funny' and 'will we agree on what movie to watch'; it also can be a clue into how they approach different situations, how they react to stress and complications, and more. You don't have to be Tina Fey and Steve Carell for things to go smoothly, I've seen many successful married couples where one is more serious and deadpan while the other is a bit goofy. It's the appreciation of the nuances and quirks of the other person that makes it work and keeps things going. Drastic differences in your comedic proclivities would also probably appear in other places far sooner than when you might even be analyzing your partner and thinking about the future.

In the end, just think of whether or not both of you are happy together. Is the answer yes? Then don't sweat it.
posted by cgomez at 10:35 PM on July 22, 2010 [3 favorites]

They don't need the same sense of humor, but they should have roughly the same quantity of humor.
posted by StickyCarpet at 10:46 PM on July 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

For some of us, wit and playful verbal humor is incredibly important for feeling at ease, challenged and safe, all at once. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that it took a long time for me to realize that while the kind of men I connected with best didn't have to be professional-level funny, they did have to be verbally playful and capable of sparring with me. The kind of funny didn't matter: they could be dryly sarcastic, goofy, or amazing at voices or physical comedy, but most of all, they had to be willing to share and play. And if we could outright laugh at each other's jokes, all the better. I can see my younger and older sisters making the same kind of choices in their husbands, and it probably reflects our family dynamics when we were growing up.

(My ex-husband, on the other hand, very, very rarely made me laugh, although he did laugh at my jokes, and he couldn't get the verbal flow and playfulness other boyfriends of mine had in spades. He specialized in laboured, painfully assembled puns, sitting up all bright eyed and expectant of a giggle that often had to be forced. You may take that as a metaphor if you like.)

So if you, your friends and your family are all tuned in on the same wavelength in humor, you will probably find that you are attracted to the same kind of guy. If you find yourself with someone who has a very different sense of humor, or little humor or wit at all, maybe it will work, if he's otherwise great. But if humor is important to you, your odds are probably better with someone who makes you laugh.
posted by rosebuddy at 11:10 PM on July 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

It's not mandatory, but here is a test: if you go to movies and find that you're the only person in the theater laughing at certain scenes then you may have to accept the fact that you march to the beat of a different drummer. And if you march to said drummer then simply accept the fact that a lot of folks in this world will not get your sense of humor. And if you can accept this then it doesn't really matter if your SO doesn't understand this. Yes, I am sometimes that dude and my SO hasn't disowned me because of it.
posted by quadog at 12:21 AM on July 23, 2010

I find it essential that my partner shares my sense of (sick warped inexplicable) humour.

Reading KathrynT's joke above made me laugh out loud. If my man didn't understand it... I'd suspect deep down that he didn't understand me.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 12:39 AM on July 23, 2010

It is about wavelengths - for me it is critical that we are both on the same wavelength, that we both 'get' the joke, the humour of the situation. Often I use a lot of sarcasm and play on words, and I've been with people where my funnies just flew straight over their heads - it kind of threw me off and lessened the attraction.
posted by Enki at 12:48 AM on July 23, 2010

It depends on how important a sense of humor is to the people involved.

For me, it's drop dead dealbreaker important. People I've dated that I didn't find extraordinarily funny, I realize in retrospect, were pretty insubstantial relationships.

I think a component of that is that it's only by finding something that's funny that can make a lot of circumstances bearable, and I have a pretty perverse sense of humor, so a partner who can be supportive during those times is also one who can bring the lulz.

Also, day to day life, long term relationships -- they can get pretty repetitive. At a certain point in your life things get pretty routine, and if you can't find stuff to laugh at you're living in the middle of mid-life ennui, until you get old, get old-age ennui, then die.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:23 AM on July 23, 2010

OkCupid used to have a question along this line: "Everything can be a subject to joke about" - Yes/No. You want your partner to have the same answer that you do (I learned it the hard way).
posted by Jurate at 3:00 AM on July 23, 2010

It's of manifest importance to me that someone share my sense of humor. It's snarky and self-deprecating most of the time. If a man makes a self-deprecating joke in the first few minutes of a meeting, my knees go all weak.

In my experience, I have not been able to adjust to someone with a drastically different sense of humor. I dated one guy who thought it was "funny" to never answer a direct question and speak to me incessantly in third-person baby talk. Turns out that was apparently really his sense of humor, and it was one of the top reasons I broke off the relationship.

Another guy corrected me to say that it was not funny to suggest I'd stuff my recently deceased cat to use as a door stop (it was a JOKE -- and it was FUNNY but you had to be there)....so that date ended early. To each their own when it comes to humor; that's why to me it's one of the most important things. It also plays into whether or not I have a physical attraction.

So if what you're really asking is if you should settle with someone when there's a conflict about senses of humor.... nope, not if it's important enough to use up an Askme. :)
posted by motsque at 4:43 AM on July 23, 2010

I can't imagine not sharing some jokes with my wife. I don't expect her to think everything I think is funny is funny, but if we can't laugh together at a comedy show or a movie or my silly daughter or my jokes, I am not sure we should be together. Why would I want to be with someone that couldn't laugh with me.

To really answer your question, I think you need to share the same energy for humor. Some people just aren't goofy or don't have a funny bone at all. I don't think it is a good match to have someone who is goofy with someone who is stoic / sober. I have seen it happen. My two friends dated. He was the least goofy guy I have ever known. She was a borderline clown. They dated for quite a while but it just wasn't a good match. Her attempts at being funny always fell flat with him and it eventually wore them both down. Some people have more levels of humor than others. I appreciate dry humor, slapstick humor, insult humor, etc. etc. If my wife didn't share at least of few of those with me, I don't think we would work.
posted by jasondigitized at 5:27 AM on July 23, 2010

My fiancé and I have some overlap in what we find funny, but in general... we don't have the same tastes at all. I love stand-up comedy, which he finds boring. He enjoys "embarrassment humor" in the vein of Borat & Curb Your Enthusiasm, which make me physically uncomfortable.

We do find things that we both enjoy and that we both find funny. If he didn't enjoy The Big Lebowski as much as I do, I think we might be doomed.

What's most important is that we respect each other's tastes and find ways to laugh about life together. We don't need to have the same tastes to be able to appreciate each other.

OTOH, my ex and I had very similar sense of humor and both had the tendency to use humor as a defense mechanism... that was awful. Everything turned into a joke, no matter how serious it really was, and we really wore each other down. Sometimes you really need balance rather than overlapping preferences.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:46 AM on July 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

It's pretty important. You don't have to always find the exact same things funny, but having the same general mood to your humor is, to me, necessary, and can even be a grounding point for your bond.

For example. I've found the 3-variable Funny Test to be pretty accurate. I remember around 2005 all my friends were taking it. Everyone got "the wit"--clean/complex/dark. Except I got "the provacateur"--vulgar/complex/dark, and my boyfriend at the time got "the shock jock"--vulgar/spontaneous/dark. We actually didn't have a lot in common, but it's that shared "vulgar" that made us work for awhile. We didn't always find the same exact things funny, but we shared that general mood of finding the truly disgusting and macabre laugh-worthy. I don't think I could successfully ever be with someone who didn't.

I think it's important in a relationship to "get" each other, and a big part of "getting" each other is humor. In the most, uh, I guess "in tune" relationships I've ever had, sir and I could be sitting in a group of people, someone could say something we both knew that we'd both find ridiculous, and we could glance at each other and know exactly what was going on. That's not really possible without a similar mood to your humor.
posted by millipede at 6:11 AM on July 23, 2010

It depends on how important a sense of humor is to the people involved.

Bingo. I'm a natural raconteur; I love telling jokes, funny stories (whether they happened to me our not) and so on. I deal with most situations through humor -- it's my primary defense mechanism. An extreme example: walking from my mom's funeral to the car, my friends and I were already cracking wise about how ridiculous she would have found the whole thing and how I could practically see her rolling her eyes and muttering "bullshit" when I considered the the rabbi's advice that I sit shiva. I could never have an S.O. (or even a close friend) who would find this sort of behavior appalling, as I assume some people would.

On the other hand, I had a girlfriend who would constantly make self-deprecating jokes at her own expense and after a while it seriously wore on me. I'm not a fan of self-deprecating humor when it exposes a sense of low-self esteem rather than just being a joke.
posted by griphus at 6:15 AM on July 23, 2010

My parents have very different senses of humour. They've been married nearly 40 years now and are doing fine. They respect each other, and find a few of the same things funny, but overall, they don't overlap that much on what they find funny. They respect each other, they just often laugh at different jokes. (They also have very different politics.)

If my mother found my father's jokes offensive, it probably wouldn't work. She finds them just not-funny, but she finds his laughter at his own jokes endearing, and he has other people who find his jokes funnier.
posted by jeather at 6:46 AM on July 23, 2010

It's very important to me to be able to laugh with the person I'm involved with. I was married to a near-humorless prick once, and it was a grim experience. I had no idea how to relate to this person, no tools to cajole him out of a bad mood or to lighten an argument, no reliable way to create spontaneous fun with him. It was depressing and frustrating.

Being able to laugh together is one of the best things about my current relationship. It bonds us, it makes us closer, it feels healing after an argument or misunderstanding. It smooths over life's rough spots and enhances our together time. We're never bored with each other, and when we are apart and encounter something funny we can't wait to share it with each other.

It's just a huge part of relationship happiness for me. I would never want to be with someone I couldn't have that sort of bond with.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 6:48 AM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

I feel that similar sense of humor is pretty important. If my partner didn't have a sense of humor similar to mine, I would worry about seeming offensive all the time in my own home. I don't think our conversationswould go well if one person was into sarcasm and one wasn't. I've found that individuals in a relationship can easily have totally unrealted interests but still have plenty to talk about if they have a similar sense of humor and can relate stories of their day to eachother in a way the other finds interesting and is not offended by.
posted by WeekendJen at 8:29 AM on July 23, 2010

It depends on your sense of humor. If we didn't laugh at each other, there'd be an awful lot of awkward silence and hurt feelings in our house. But, holy shit, I know some _brutally_ unfunny couples that apparently never smile in their own homes and do fine. It's always clear when my wife and I aren't going to get invited back for another play date, though. The friendship isn't going to work if you frequently find yourself stopping to explain "it's a joke! it's a joke!"

Seriously, though, check out these glasses. They give you pedophile vision. Look at my kid and tell me what you see!!!!!
posted by pjaust at 1:58 PM on July 23, 2010

I put a pretty high premium on it. When someone I met online turned out to be a fellow JJGo fan I was stunned (as was she), and I jokingly told her I was already in love with her (we hadn't even met yet). After we met, I showed her Happy in Paraguay, which she thought was hysterical, I pretty much fell in love with her. Plus she had an xkcd comic in her profile, so that was a pretty good barometer of both smarts and humor.

She also loved this nerd joke:
Q. What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
A. An etymologist would know the difference.

I realize any one of these things seems trivial, but they told me a lot about her. Not just the "laughing at the same kinds of things" that's nice to have, but also a deeper way of looking at the world. It's one of many reasons we are totally nuts about each other.
posted by O9scar at 2:26 PM on July 23, 2010

I find it essential that my partner shares my sense of (sick warped inexplicable) humour.

My college freshman roommate ended up marrying his Junior High School sweetheart. Apparently, the moment that they knew they were destined to be together forever, was the moment when they discovered that they had both assembled and displayed bowls of selected pistachio nuts, with only the ones that are sealed closed. You know, without the crack, and you can't pry them open with your fingernail. I'm sure that gets a big laugh to this day in their household.
posted by StickyCarpet at 5:20 PM on July 23, 2010

Very few people will come here to admit that they have no humor in common! The modern ideal is to have lots of things in common and to like lots of the same things.

My husband and have nearly nothing in common, but especially not senses of humor. Over 3+ years he has laughed at maybe two of my jokes? I've laughed at like...I often don't even notice that he's trying to make a joke. We don't laugh at the same movies, either. We both like "Tombstone" but he takes it seriously and I find it hilarious. Etc.

Both of us like LOLcats. So there's that. Also, sex.

How do we resolve disagreements or defuse arguments? By saying nice things to each other. And sex.

In summary, I don't think you need it. We certainly get along really well, and are best friends, without much in common. But if it's important to you, it's important.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 11:19 AM on July 24, 2010