Play it cool or go all in...
July 17, 2010 8:10 PM Subscribe
Met a guy, totally hit it off, went on a great first date and then he went on vacation for two weeks. He just got back and things seem to have cooled off... How do I heat them back up?
So met a guy at a friend's wedding about a month ago. We hung out for most of the weekend and I ended up spending the last night with him. We didn't have sex, but there was a lot of pretty awesome fooling around.
He told me really liked me and wanted to take me out later that week. He ended up canceling because he was sick, but we rescheduled and went out the following week. It went really well. We ended up hanging out and talking for three hours and then made out a little. It was the middle of the week and both of us had work the next day so we went home separately. Two days later he went on vacation for two week. Before going on vacation he texted me or emailed me almost everyday. He told me at least 2 or 3 times that he had a really good time on our date and would see me when he got back. I emailed him once while he was on vacation to say hi and he responded in literally ten minutes with a very cheerful email, once again saying we'd get together when he got back.
He got back 4 days ago and I didn't hear anything from him. 2 days ago I sent him a quick text asking if he'd gotten back safe. He responded quickly and we sent half a dozen texts back and forth. I asked him what he'd been doing since he got back and he said he'd come back a little sick. I told him to feel better and we left it there. No mention of getting together over the weekend (or ever) and I haven't heard anything since, it has admittedly been only two days.
I'm confused because he was in such constant contact before and now I feel I'm initiating everything. He responds really quickly, but he's no longer initiating.
I don't know if I should just let it be, the balls in his court and if he's still interested he'll ask me out again or should I just ask him out? I realize he said he was sick, but it seems like more of an excuse. And I wasn't under the impression it was anything more than a cold. However, I'm sure he is exhausted and jet lagged.
Our mutual friends live on the other side of the country and we live about 30 minutes away from each other, so I won't be bumping into him at any parties or anything.
I'm a woman, he's a man, we're both in our late 20's.
So met a guy at a friend's wedding about a month ago. We hung out for most of the weekend and I ended up spending the last night with him. We didn't have sex, but there was a lot of pretty awesome fooling around.
He told me really liked me and wanted to take me out later that week. He ended up canceling because he was sick, but we rescheduled and went out the following week. It went really well. We ended up hanging out and talking for three hours and then made out a little. It was the middle of the week and both of us had work the next day so we went home separately. Two days later he went on vacation for two week. Before going on vacation he texted me or emailed me almost everyday. He told me at least 2 or 3 times that he had a really good time on our date and would see me when he got back. I emailed him once while he was on vacation to say hi and he responded in literally ten minutes with a very cheerful email, once again saying we'd get together when he got back.
He got back 4 days ago and I didn't hear anything from him. 2 days ago I sent him a quick text asking if he'd gotten back safe. He responded quickly and we sent half a dozen texts back and forth. I asked him what he'd been doing since he got back and he said he'd come back a little sick. I told him to feel better and we left it there. No mention of getting together over the weekend (or ever) and I haven't heard anything since, it has admittedly been only two days.
I'm confused because he was in such constant contact before and now I feel I'm initiating everything. He responds really quickly, but he's no longer initiating.
I don't know if I should just let it be, the balls in his court and if he's still interested he'll ask me out again or should I just ask him out? I realize he said he was sick, but it seems like more of an excuse. And I wasn't under the impression it was anything more than a cold. However, I'm sure he is exhausted and jet lagged.
Our mutual friends live on the other side of the country and we live about 30 minutes away from each other, so I won't be bumping into him at any parties or anything.
I'm a woman, he's a man, we're both in our late 20's.
He might have met someone else on vacation. He might have discovered he's gay. He might have unexpectedly had something really serious pop up. Who knows?
We sure don't. And you're in a perfect position to find out. So invite him to something some time soon. People aren't that hard to read. It should be pretty clear from his response if 1) he's still interested, 2) he's just really busy/sick/jetlagged/etc. right now, or 3) it's all over.
I'm probably about as traditional a MeFi member as you'll find, but I think a lot of the gender role/assignments with regards to relationships are pretty silly. Even the most suave of guys can, in certain circumstances, be bumbling fools with stuff like this. If girls never took the initiative themselves the world would be a much sadder place.
So do it. If it's not happening then you'll know that much sooner than if you just wait around twiddling your thumbs. If he's still interested and just hasn't gotten around to making plans for whatever reason then your taking initiative would probably speed things up.
posted by resiny at 8:25 PM on July 17, 2010
We sure don't. And you're in a perfect position to find out. So invite him to something some time soon. People aren't that hard to read. It should be pretty clear from his response if 1) he's still interested, 2) he's just really busy/sick/jetlagged/etc. right now, or 3) it's all over.
I'm probably about as traditional a MeFi member as you'll find, but I think a lot of the gender role/assignments with regards to relationships are pretty silly. Even the most suave of guys can, in certain circumstances, be bumbling fools with stuff like this. If girls never took the initiative themselves the world would be a much sadder place.
So do it. If it's not happening then you'll know that much sooner than if you just wait around twiddling your thumbs. If he's still interested and just hasn't gotten around to making plans for whatever reason then your taking initiative would probably speed things up.
posted by resiny at 8:25 PM on July 17, 2010
Let it be.
He was on vacation for a week. I find that when I go on vacation, when I come back I need another week to get back into the swing of things. It's just a totally different mindset for an entire week. You let your mind wander and fill out all these what-if scenarios while sipping beer on the end of a dock for the evening. And you do that for six or seven days. Then you're back in the real world. It's kind of a culture shock.
posted by sanka at 8:28 PM on July 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
He was on vacation for a week. I find that when I go on vacation, when I come back I need another week to get back into the swing of things. It's just a totally different mindset for an entire week. You let your mind wander and fill out all these what-if scenarios while sipping beer on the end of a dock for the evening. And you do that for six or seven days. Then you're back in the real world. It's kind of a culture shock.
posted by sanka at 8:28 PM on July 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
Again, there's no way to know for sure but my instincts say he may have met someone else and is not sure about moving at such a fast pace with you now. Whenever I have experienced what you are now experiencing with this guy, it's because he's no longer interested/met someone else. But I don't know for sure, obviously.
Don't worry, eventually it will become clear. If you want clarity now, ask him directly, or at least ask him out directly. If he is interested that won't scare him away. If he continues to be flaky and/or noncommittal, I would try to go out and meet other people or otherwise focus your energy on other activities.
posted by bearette at 8:33 PM on July 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
Don't worry, eventually it will become clear. If you want clarity now, ask him directly, or at least ask him out directly. If he is interested that won't scare him away. If he continues to be flaky and/or noncommittal, I would try to go out and meet other people or otherwise focus your energy on other activities.
posted by bearette at 8:33 PM on July 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
Hard to say what's going on in his brain, but if he says he's sick, he's probably sick. No other subtext there.
Text him: "Are you better yet? I'd like to see you again." The direct approach works best. If he doesn't get the hint, then he is either on death's door or is not worth pursuing any more.
posted by KokuRyu at 8:38 PM on July 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
Text him: "Are you better yet? I'd like to see you again." The direct approach works best. If he doesn't get the hint, then he is either on death's door or is not worth pursuing any more.
posted by KokuRyu at 8:38 PM on July 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
KokuRyu's approach would totally put me off. If, for whatever reason, I'm not up to going out right away, and I perceive a person as pestering me, I lose interest in a big way, even if I *was* still interested before.
Another vote for let it be. Either he'll get with it, or it wasn't meant to be. Nothing to be gained by pushing.
posted by tejolote at 8:49 PM on July 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
Another vote for let it be. Either he'll get with it, or it wasn't meant to be. Nothing to be gained by pushing.
posted by tejolote at 8:49 PM on July 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think anonymous deserves better than to be ignored. If a friendly "I want to meet you" text is going to put this fellow off, it's better to find out sooner rather than later.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:13 PM on July 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by KokuRyu at 9:13 PM on July 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sounds like you're on his "maybe" list. Go meet other guys. You can't make him act the way you want. He doesn't seem to like you enough, so go hook up with someone else.
posted by anniecat at 9:25 PM on July 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by anniecat at 9:25 PM on July 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
Maybe this is better late than never and it's probably useless but it struck me that in the month you've known him he has been gone for one week while, both once before and once after that trip, he failed to carry out his stated intention of seeing you because he was sick. (I refrained from putting that last word in quotes, but that's a possibility.) It's as if he had a lovely serendipitous encounter and then keeps not finding the freedom to keep or schedule the next meeting.
My immediate reaction is that he easily could have been in a relationship already that he's not too sure of or that is phasing out and he really liked you and wanted to put you on standby but wouldn't tell you that because it would have been insulting and he wasn't absolutely sure he was leaving his present attachment.
I was never realistic enough to recognize a sequence like this soon enough to spare myself some embarrassment about having misread the situation.
For what it's worth, I hope this is not the case and I wish you well.
posted by Anitanola at 10:14 PM on July 17, 2010 [5 favorites]
My immediate reaction is that he easily could have been in a relationship already that he's not too sure of or that is phasing out and he really liked you and wanted to put you on standby but wouldn't tell you that because it would have been insulting and he wasn't absolutely sure he was leaving his present attachment.
I was never realistic enough to recognize a sequence like this soon enough to spare myself some embarrassment about having misread the situation.
For what it's worth, I hope this is not the case and I wish you well.
posted by Anitanola at 10:14 PM on July 17, 2010 [5 favorites]
I have a cold and the thought of emailing, texting, or talking to anyone is overwhelming. So it could be that the combination of traveling and being sick have caught up with him and he'll be in touch when he feels better. That said, it's really easy to waste time on guys like this, because you could spend all day speculating about what he thinks and why he's acting this way. What I've learned to do in these situations is to let it be and see what happens. Don't email again, don't text him--and not because of some relationship rule about women not pursuing men, but because I think you've made it clear that you like him and would be open to seeing him again. If you need a definite answer, wait a few days and then ask him out. If he cancels again or seems evasive, I'd move on.
posted by lucysparrow at 10:42 PM on July 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by lucysparrow at 10:42 PM on July 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
Continue to live your life, now that you've made it clear you're still interested. If he calls, great, and if not, oh well. One thing I can tell you is this: if you keep trying to "heat things up" from your side of the court, he'll probably think you're desperate. There's always time for him to call you, and you to decide whether you're still interested.
Is it playing hard to get? No, since you've told him you want to be gotten. It's just a matter of not harping on that same old string; trust that he's heard you, and that if he's being truthful about his intentions he's also trusting you've heard him, and that you're being patient until he's not feeling sick any more.
But, again, meanwhile: live your life. Don't wait for him. It could be a best-case scenario, or a worst-case one, but there's no reason not to keep moving while you wait to find out.
posted by davejay at 11:19 PM on July 17, 2010 [7 favorites]
Is it playing hard to get? No, since you've told him you want to be gotten. It's just a matter of not harping on that same old string; trust that he's heard you, and that if he's being truthful about his intentions he's also trusting you've heard him, and that you're being patient until he's not feeling sick any more.
But, again, meanwhile: live your life. Don't wait for him. It could be a best-case scenario, or a worst-case one, but there's no reason not to keep moving while you wait to find out.
posted by davejay at 11:19 PM on July 17, 2010 [7 favorites]
It's been 2 days since you last "spoke" to him. Give him a weekend to recover from vacation! If you don't hear from him tomorrow, you may call him sometime early next week and ask him out.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:21 AM on July 18, 2010
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:21 AM on July 18, 2010
So ... you've never spent the night at his place, he's never spent the night at yours, and when you met and did spend that one night together, you were across the country from where you normally live?
I would put money on him having a girlfriend.
If you're one of those people like me who can't take unresolved endings, unknowns, what if's and things that might have been, I don't see the harm in waiting a week and then asking him out. But I really think you should not invest any hopes/fantasies/emotional energy in him at this point.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:33 AM on July 18, 2010
I would put money on him having a girlfriend.
If you're one of those people like me who can't take unresolved endings, unknowns, what if's and things that might have been, I don't see the harm in waiting a week and then asking him out. But I really think you should not invest any hopes/fantasies/emotional energy in him at this point.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:33 AM on July 18, 2010
Usual preface of we don't know but I'm one of those people who has a tendency to over-fret and overthink in the early stages of a relationship (so believe me...I get where you are when you meet someone new, feel a spark and really want it to see how it goes), so FWIW: you're not going to know if he's interested in going out again unless you ask specifically.
Don't over-analyze time between texts (although I think that if he's responding at all, he's interested on some level); just contact him again and ask him if he wants to have drinks (or whatever) on a specific day.
And then go live your life.
posted by dzaz at 4:12 AM on July 18, 2010
Don't over-analyze time between texts (although I think that if he's responding at all, he's interested on some level); just contact him again and ask him if he wants to have drinks (or whatever) on a specific day.
And then go live your life.
posted by dzaz at 4:12 AM on July 18, 2010
I would (or i probably wouldn't, but I wish I would) leave it and adjust mentally to the idea of moving on. There's no reason for him to assume that you are any less keen. You, on the other hand, have received a couple of potentially cool/distant 'messages'. If these Are intended as (poor form!) hints, you have taken them. If not, then all is well and he will get back to you. If you can't bear to not know, call him in a couple of days (to allow for illness recovery) and ask him out. Either way: no more hinting and no more texting. The latter is a great way to drag this sort of thing out needlessly and drive yourself a bit nuts if you are like me! The phone call is quick and direct- a bit painful if it goes wrong but suggesting a specific date is friendly, interested and unambiguous.
posted by jojobobo at 5:06 AM on July 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by jojobobo at 5:06 AM on July 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
So many people wanting to immediately think the worst. I know when I get back from a two week vacation, I'm always tired, usually a little ill feeling due to eating and drinking things out of the norm (and some overindulgence on both counts), and then there's always a bunch of mundane life/work things that have to be tended to when I least feel like tending to them.
You texted him two days after he got back, and he obviously didn't have a problem texting back and forth with you a bit, and now here we are two days later and you're already worried he'll never see you again. Give him a little bit of time to get out of vacation mode, get back into life, and start feeling better!
posted by Orb at 10:04 AM on July 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
You texted him two days after he got back, and he obviously didn't have a problem texting back and forth with you a bit, and now here we are two days later and you're already worried he'll never see you again. Give him a little bit of time to get out of vacation mode, get back into life, and start feeling better!
posted by Orb at 10:04 AM on July 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
Hope you're recovered from your vacation. Going to see Predators this weekend! Let me know if you want to do something when you're feeling better.
Invitation issued, out provided, ball in his court.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:44 AM on July 18, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by elpea at 8:25 PM on July 17, 2010