Join 3,557 readers in helping fund MetaFilter (Hide)


Excuse me, what?
July 14, 2010 8:50 AM   Subscribe

Do guys mention wanting to get laid to girls they don't want to lay?

I was having a conversation with a new crush of mine the other day. (I sound like a 13 year old girl but I'm 30 and perhaps slightly clueless.) He's a friend of a friend and we've been having rather flirty encounters more frequently lately but I'm not totally sure what his intentions are. Without provocation, last night he mentioned to me, rather innocently, that he hasn't had sex in a while and he really wants to find a girl friend. Can I read into this as much as I would like to? Is that an invitation? I got a little nervous when he said that and sort of skirted the issue and the conversation just rolled right past it. It sure feels like a missed opportunity to me. I think we'd be a pretty good couple and the eye contact the last few times we've hung out felt really intense...at least it did on my side. Dear God, I really do feel 13 again. A little help, friends? Was that comment directed at me? Do guys mention wanting to get laid to girls they don't want to lay?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (38 answers total)
 
Do guys mention wanting to get laid to girls they don't want to lay?

Yes.
posted by dfriedman at 8:52 AM on July 14, 2010


Odds are, it was directed at you. Make a move.
posted by jbickers at 8:53 AM on July 14, 2010


If it's been awhile, yes, I'll happily complain about it to anyone who will listen. In fact, I'd be less likely to mention it to someone I actually wanted to sleep with, for fear of seeming gauche and desperate.

That said, fuckin' french that dude, what've you got to lose!
posted by Greg Nog at 8:54 AM on July 14, 2010 [9 favorites]


It's an odd tactic - certainly not an approach I would take, but it's pretty clearly directed at you.
posted by Think_Long at 8:54 AM on July 14, 2010


Do guys mention wanting to get laid to girls they don't want to lay?

Only douchebags.
posted by greasy_skillet at 8:55 AM on July 14, 2010 [10 favorites]


Do guys mention wanting to get laid to girls they don't want to lay?

Yes, as well as to girls they do want to lay.
posted by chillmost at 8:55 AM on July 14, 2010 [7 favorites]


greasy_skillet:

Do guys mention wanting to get laid to girls they don't want to lay?

Only douchebags.


Or guys who think a girl is their "buddy." But girls who are that kind of buddy tend to know this. If you're not close enough to know whether or not you are, then you probably aren't. Which in this case, actually, is a good thing.

Make a move and good luck.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:58 AM on July 14, 2010 [3 favorites]


Some guys do, some guys don't. But you mentioned that you think you'd be a good couple, so remember that even if he does want to sleep with you, he isn't necessarily thinking about dating you.
posted by spinto at 8:58 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]


There are some guys who announce their desire to get laid as often as possible, seemingly to impress others with their virility. This is, of course, in very poor taste. Others only discuss sexual issues with people that they are very close to or with whom they would like to have sex. Exactly which category this particular person falls into, I can't say.
posted by grizzled at 9:00 AM on July 14, 2010 [3 favorites]


Yes. But given the context here, I think he is interested in you. And saying he wants a girlfriend implies he is interested in more than just hopping into bed with you. It sounds as if he'd like to know if you are looking for a relationship too.
posted by bearwife at 9:04 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]


I would say it's a good indicator if you're looking to hook up, maybe not a great one if you're looking to shack up.

As far as "yes" or "no" it really depends on the person's style and our answers can only reflect our own experiences. Personally, I discuss everything about my sex life to anyone who will listen, and I last a very short time without sex before I start rubbing against furniture and complaining to everyone.

If a dude said this to me, I would figure out whether I wanted to help him out with his predicament, and also WHAT STRINGS MIGHT BE ATTACHED, because if they're there you need to make sure he's on the same page you are.
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:06 AM on July 14, 2010 [6 favorites]


Or guys who think a girl is their "buddy." But girls who are that kind of buddy tend to know this.

This is a good point in general, but it sounds like these two don't have that kind of bond yet ("friend of a friend ... flirty encounters").

He might have meant it as a suggestive hint. Or it could be what grizzled says: he could be the type who makes random proclamations like that to anyone. Some people (men and women) simply enjoy talking about their sex life/desires/etc. as often as possible, to any audience they think will be at all receptive.

So, we can't really know how he meant it. But that doesn't seem to make much of a difference as far as what you should do. No matter how he intended the comment, there seems to be a mutual interest. You might as well pursue it, right?
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:07 AM on July 14, 2010


(For the record, I wrote my comment before I read Juliet Banana's second paragraph!)
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:08 AM on July 14, 2010


either way, it's kind of a lame thing to say. It's either sort of a cowardly, hey I'd like to have sex with you and be your boyfriend or a dismissive, I want sex and a girlfriend who's not you.
posted by sully75 at 9:12 AM on July 14, 2010 [3 favorites]


Can I read into this as much as I would like to?

No, because you're 30, not 13. I have no idea why you're asking random strangers on the internet. Ok, ok, so you like him and your'e feeling like you're 13 and want to over analyze everything and see if he really, really like LIKEs you and that's cute and adorable and everyone totally understands and we're all pausing for a moment as we remember our own head over heels moments, but yeah, come on. Talk to him, ask him, see where the conversation goes.

Potential responses, depending on how you're feeling, what you want to do:

"Really? So what do you look for in a girlfriend?"

"Mmm, i know the feeling, I've been looking for a boyfriend, someone like you..."

Oh, just kiss him.


It sure feels like a missed opportunity to me.

If he's interested, bringing it back up could work wonders.


Do guys mention wanting to get laid to girls they don't want to lay?

Depends on the guy and the context of the conversation.
posted by new brand day at 9:18 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]


I feel I should point out, since Juliet Banana and I have been the only ones to mention doing this ourselves, that there's not necessarily an ulterior motive here; dude may just be talking, not trying to look like some AWESOME VIRILE GUY or DROP SOME HINTS or something. If I muse that I could kind of go for some fried chicken, I'm not trying to impress the listener with how AMAZINGLY ADEPT I AM AT EATING FRIED CHICKEN. He may have just been making idle conversation.
posted by Greg Nog at 9:20 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]


I think what this guy is saying is, "I haven't been to a Star Trek convention in a while and I have been hanging out with you a little recently and I like that and wouldn't mind it if you were my girlfriend one day. When we are boyfriend and girlfriend, I like to have sex so you need to too."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:21 AM on July 14, 2010


Kiss him, you fool.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:22 AM on July 14, 2010 [2 favorites]


If I muse that I could kind of go for some fried chicken, I'm not trying to impress the listener with how AMAZINGLY ADEPT I AM AT EATING FRIED CHICKEN.

Experience has taught me that there various differences between sex and fried chicken i.e. context of the subject matters.
posted by new brand day at 9:24 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]


Experience has taught me that there various differences between sex and fried chicken i.e. context of the subject matters.

Not for everyone, is what I'm saying. I think lady is better off acting according to her desires than trying to figure if the subtext may or may not be there.
posted by Greg Nog at 9:26 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]


I'm a girl. My platonic male friends will tell me that they haven't been laid in a while. To the best of my knowledge, they will not tell the girls they hope to sleep with. If I was flirting with a guy and he said that, I would be pretty unimpressed to be honest. It implies a certain amount of familiarity which you two don't seem to have.

At any rate, keep up the flirting if you like him, and I will nth that you shouldn't read too much into one sentence.
posted by vanitas at 9:38 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]


Do guys mention wanting to get laid to girls they don't want to lay?

Some do. Some don't. Men, like women, are not a monolithic group. If you're into him, take a gamble.
posted by modernnomad at 9:38 AM on July 14, 2010


@ new brand day's I have no idea why you're asking random strangers on the internet.

That's what we do here.
posted by dzaz at 9:47 AM on July 14, 2010 [6 favorites]


What are you hanging around on the internet for? Jump him!
posted by dabitch at 9:47 AM on July 14, 2010


If I muse that I could kind of go for some fried chicken, I'm not trying to impress the listener with how AMAZINGLY ADEPT I AM AT EATING FRIED CHICKEN.

Sorry, not a very good analogy unless the person is talking to is holding some fried chicken in her hand.

either way, it's kind of a lame thing to say. It's either sort of a cowardly, hey I'd like to have sex with you and be your boyfriend or a dismissive, I want sex and a girlfriend who's not you.


I agree with this. Either cowardly or dismissive - though if he's not very good at the flirting game, the cowardly part could be easy to get over. Either way, you're quite interested, so I don't see why you wouldn't make your interest known. What's to lose? Good luck!
posted by widdershins at 9:49 AM on July 14, 2010


We don't know what his intentions are, but I will recommend that if you're interested in him to go ahead and ask him out — ask him to go to a movie or to the beach or something. If you're interested in a relationship rather than just getting laid that'll be a better beginning than just jumping him.
posted by orange swan at 9:54 AM on July 14, 2010


Not to be overly critical, but responses like this:

"Really? So what do you look for in a girlfriend?"

"Mmm, i know the feeling, I've been looking for a boyfriend, someone like you..."


would really weird me out. Not that I think you shouldn't make a move, but something about this wording/approach doesn't work for me.

I vote kiss the dude, or almost kiss him.
posted by mercredi at 9:54 AM on July 14, 2010


yea what modernnomad said. It takes all kinds, etc.

anecdata: this was the exact approach mr. lfr took with me a couple years ago, back before we started dating, and certainly without the right context, it COULD have been construed as really douchebaggy, but in reality I took it as just a semi-clueless approach from a really geeky frustrated introvert guy who thinks I'm cute. Context is also kind of key with these things. In our case, we had known each other casually (same cycling team) for 2 years prior to him hitting on me. We also had loads of chemistry and flirtation going on, which sounds like it is the case with you 2.

How it all went down with him was that after hearing I'd broken up with my ex, he tracked me down via a mutual (team) facebook group, friended me, then started pouncing me everytime he saw me log into chat. Could have been really annoying but he does happen to be attractive, smart, funny, polite, articulate, and we have loads of common interests, so, you know, whatever. Ultimately he asked me out, repeatedly, and I slowly sort of worked around to realizing he was serious. I originally chalked the interest up to boredom, frustration and curiosity (we have a significant age gap) and figured we'd hook up, have a fling, and he'd come to his senses and friendzone me sooner or later.

tl; dr: we're recently engaged and getting married next summer. So: could be just a random frustrated nerd boy, could be a douchebag, could be looking for a hookup, could be genuinely interested in shacking up, could just be looking for a friendzone buddy. Nothing is ever guaranteed, and you never know until you ask, so, you know, just ask.
posted by lonefrontranger at 10:07 AM on July 14, 2010


There are more than one possibility. One is that he likes you and decided he should make it completely evident that he is available for romance. Another is that he has you so firmly ensconced in the friend zone that he is just expressing his general desires without a consideration that you might project yourself into them. Or he could be a real manipulative jerk who totally knows you are into him and is just screwing with your emotions for his own sick pleasure. Maybe in his ham-handed cluelessness he was hoping you'd say "silly, you don't need to get into a big old complicated relationship if you want to have sex, you can just have crazy no strings attached casual sex with me whenever you like!" Guess who can't tell you any more than you already know? That's right, a bunch of strangers who have never met either of you.

Signs of sincere attraction are: consistently finding reasons to spend time with you. Extending shared activities beyond their originally defined parameters (the old coffee after the movie cliché). Casual physical intimacy and responding positively to casual physical intimacy. Going for deeper-level topics in conversation. Promptly responding to efforts at communication (calls, texts, emails).
posted by nanojath at 10:21 AM on July 14, 2010 [3 favorites]


Guys are dumb (me included of course), he could be completely clueless to the fact that your into him. What you consider flirty encounters, could just be him being friendly. Lay it on a little thicker and it should click. Him not realizing your crush isn't necessarily a dis on you, just that he doesn't see what is right in front of him. Good luck!
posted by doorsfan at 10:55 AM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]


Was that comment directed at me?

That's exactly what you should have said then.
posted by hermitosis at 11:40 AM on July 14, 2010


^
this
posted by lakersfan1222 at 12:03 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]


Will thinking it was aimed at you help you make your move already? Because if so, sure, it was probably aimed at you.
posted by Eshkol at 12:35 PM on July 14, 2010


I think he was testing the waters. I think he was seeing if you were interested. If you are, let him know. If he is not and just wants to be friends, well then you have a friend!
posted by fifilaru at 3:56 PM on July 14, 2010


Odd.

I read it the other way--he's pretty clearly looking for a girlfriend and he hasn't propositioned you, so it seems like he doesn't think he's found a girlfriend, just a friend.

Could be wrong, though.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 3:57 PM on July 14, 2010


What's the difference if can you read something into it or not? If you're into him, ask him out. You don't have to sit around waiting for prince charming to swoop in!
posted by Justinian at 4:51 PM on July 14, 2010 [1 favorite]


I'm with 'internet fraud...9' here. I'd guess he isn't interested in you that way, and sees you as a friend.

That said, if YOU'RE interested, does it matter? Make your move.
posted by hedonic.muse at 4:54 PM on July 14, 2010


Sometimes I'll bring up the word "boyfriend" when I'm trying to get someone who's obviously crushing on me to ask me out, so that I can (gently) turn them down, so that they will stop following me around. (Yes, I'm an asshole, but sometimes desperate situations...)

In other words, you should ask him out on a date. His answer to that will tell you all you need to know, and either cause great happiness or at least cut short the stress. (P.S. I know most of the "kiss him" answers are hyperbole, but as someone who has been unexpectedly kissed... just ask him out. With words.)
posted by anaelith at 6:00 PM on July 15, 2010


« Older Dating someone super-busy - I'...   |  I have discovered a passion fo... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.