Oh, that's right, my cat is mortal. Crap.
July 8, 2010 8:09 AM Subscribe
Help me summon the courage to care for an ailing pet.
My cat, who has enjoyed outstanding health for all 17 of his years to this point, was first diagnosed with early-stage renal failure a few months back; but back then, it was very manageable with a change in diet and some nutritional supplements.
But then this past weekend he had a crisis that took a few days to resolve. He's better now -- but I'm not, after spending the past three days watching him suddenly go from "ravenously eat whatever you put in front of him" to "pick at his food now and again, and you don't know whether it's because of another upset stomach like your vet told you you should watch out for or whether it's because he just doesn't like that flavor and is being fussy".
He's okay -- he's acting much more like himself in temperment, doing a lot of the same things he usually does -- and I know some of the really big danger signs (is he hydrated, is he generally active and acting like "himself," etc). I even know what basically caused this downswing and am starting him on medication to correct that.
But suddenly having to get proactive about his health, after more than 15 years of being able to just feed him and that's it, has left me in a wreck. I'm checking his food bowl 82 times a day to see "did he eat any more yet?" I'm pacing, I'm obsessively checking online sites about how to care for him, I'm probably driving my roommate mad with "updates".
I've also had a couple of very dark and selfish thoughts -- things like just wanting to adopt him away to someone else who may have the strength to care for him just because "I can't deal with this," or almost hoping that one morning soon I wake up to find he's passed away at night just because then I would be able to stop worrying. I'm trying to forgive myself for those kinds of thoughts -- which are fleeting, and I'm pretty sure they're mainly coming from me being all flail-y and panicky.
But my cat needs me to step up and not BE all flail-y and panicky, and he also needs me to not be hovering and nervous and obsessive. I know, on some level, that the act of going through this is itself going to teach me those very things -- but right now I feel like I'm being taught to swim by being thrown in the lake. And I don't want to leave my cat in the hands of an inexperienced, incapable caregiver. So I need to get over this in a big hurry.
I'm good about the "what I need to do," for certain, what I'm looking for help on is more "how do I summon the balls TO do what I need to do without turning into a total nervous wreck".
My cat, who has enjoyed outstanding health for all 17 of his years to this point, was first diagnosed with early-stage renal failure a few months back; but back then, it was very manageable with a change in diet and some nutritional supplements.
But then this past weekend he had a crisis that took a few days to resolve. He's better now -- but I'm not, after spending the past three days watching him suddenly go from "ravenously eat whatever you put in front of him" to "pick at his food now and again, and you don't know whether it's because of another upset stomach like your vet told you you should watch out for or whether it's because he just doesn't like that flavor and is being fussy".
He's okay -- he's acting much more like himself in temperment, doing a lot of the same things he usually does -- and I know some of the really big danger signs (is he hydrated, is he generally active and acting like "himself," etc). I even know what basically caused this downswing and am starting him on medication to correct that.
But suddenly having to get proactive about his health, after more than 15 years of being able to just feed him and that's it, has left me in a wreck. I'm checking his food bowl 82 times a day to see "did he eat any more yet?" I'm pacing, I'm obsessively checking online sites about how to care for him, I'm probably driving my roommate mad with "updates".
I've also had a couple of very dark and selfish thoughts -- things like just wanting to adopt him away to someone else who may have the strength to care for him just because "I can't deal with this," or almost hoping that one morning soon I wake up to find he's passed away at night just because then I would be able to stop worrying. I'm trying to forgive myself for those kinds of thoughts -- which are fleeting, and I'm pretty sure they're mainly coming from me being all flail-y and panicky.
But my cat needs me to step up and not BE all flail-y and panicky, and he also needs me to not be hovering and nervous and obsessive. I know, on some level, that the act of going through this is itself going to teach me those very things -- but right now I feel like I'm being taught to swim by being thrown in the lake. And I don't want to leave my cat in the hands of an inexperienced, incapable caregiver. So I need to get over this in a big hurry.
I'm good about the "what I need to do," for certain, what I'm looking for help on is more "how do I summon the balls TO do what I need to do without turning into a total nervous wreck".
Dark thoughts are OK. There were times that I wished that I would come home and find that my kitty had died while I was at work. I didn't -REALLY- want that to happen, mind you, but the thinking of it is a release.My poor old diabetic kitty was a real struggle. I had never really taken good care of her. Then she got really sick and I had to give her insulin injections twice a day and monitor her food and water consumption and and check the litter box for blood. It was tough to do, but I loved my sweet girl and you do what you do for those you love. In the end, and it took much longer to make the decision than it needed to take, I had to have her put to sleep because she was in so much pain, and it was the hardest decision to make.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 8:26 AM on July 8, 2010
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 8:26 AM on July 8, 2010
Take deep breaths.
Force yourself not to check his bowl to see if he's eaten.
Sit down if you find yourself pacing.
You're going to have to actively think about stopping yourself from flailing. Tell yourself it's not helping. Remind yourself of this post and the goals you want to achieve.
As for your selfish and dark thoughts, I thought the same things as my cat slowly degraded from lung cancer. You're trying to cope with a sudden realization that you might lose your best friend and family member much sooner then you ever anticipated. You love him and it's scary and panic-fueling and immensely sad to lose the ones you love.
But, for all you know, he may live several years more!
posted by royalsong at 8:27 AM on July 8, 2010
Force yourself not to check his bowl to see if he's eaten.
Sit down if you find yourself pacing.
You're going to have to actively think about stopping yourself from flailing. Tell yourself it's not helping. Remind yourself of this post and the goals you want to achieve.
As for your selfish and dark thoughts, I thought the same things as my cat slowly degraded from lung cancer. You're trying to cope with a sudden realization that you might lose your best friend and family member much sooner then you ever anticipated. You love him and it's scary and panic-fueling and immensely sad to lose the ones you love.
But, for all you know, he may live several years more!
posted by royalsong at 8:27 AM on July 8, 2010
Set up a routine and stick to it. If you feel the need to check his food bowl every hour, schedule that -- but don't allow yourself to check between times. Taper it back to every couple of hours, then every 3, etc. Keep a notebook and log when you've checked on him, when you've given him his meds, and so forth. Hopefully this will allow you to relax a little bit knowing you're doing everything you can/should do for him, and you can just enjoy his company the rest of the time.
posted by katemonster at 8:29 AM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by katemonster at 8:29 AM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is a gift you can give him. Sometimes it's really hard to do something deeply appreciative for a cat - what does he need? Toys? Yummy food? That's great, but easy and doesn't really convey depth of feeling. This is a gift of pure love, and it won't last forever.
posted by amtho at 8:31 AM on July 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by amtho at 8:31 AM on July 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Allow yourself to have all the dark and selfish thoughts you want, without the guilt. Let them pass through your mind like clouds pass through the sky. The absolute freedom will cure the obsession and lessen the anxiety. Then do what you need to do, not out of guilt, but compassion. You too are going to get old and sick someday. Someone will have to take care of you.
posted by desjardins at 8:32 AM on July 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 8:32 AM on July 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
Not knowing where you live, I don't know whether you're getting the heat wave, but remember that if so, even a healthy cat can zone out and lose appetite when it's sweltering. Just make sure he has plenty of fresh water and some shady, airy places to sleep.
I have a 16-year-old cat who's been OK so far but is showing her age a little, so I am alert to the issues you mention. Good luck.
posted by zadcat at 8:32 AM on July 8, 2010
I have a 16-year-old cat who's been OK so far but is showing her age a little, so I am alert to the issues you mention. Good luck.
posted by zadcat at 8:32 AM on July 8, 2010
I had an older cat who was in excellent health until the last six months of his life, when he broke a leg and just as he got over that, suddenly lost weight, started throwing up, and the next thing I knew, was diagnosed with lymphoma and then got to the point where we had to put him to sleep.
This,what you are doing now, is part of the promise you made to your animal when you brought him into your life. You can do this. You do it by doing it. You will panic and flail, but then you will find the reservoir of calm. I remember on the Saturday before my cat passed, I stayed up too late on, of all places, Ask MeFi, doing research, so that I knew what to do if I suddenly came home and found my cat dead, how to handle cremation and what to ask for. I put the number for the 24 hour emergency vet in my phone. I even started to research cremation urns on Etsy because I knew he wouldn't want one of those cat-shaped urns (he would have HAUNTED me). The research actually helped me because it was something I could DO, it was something I could control.
You have to go through your process here, is what I'm trying to say. Do your research and do your worrying and tough nuts if you're giving your roommate constant updates.
I am so sorry your friend is ill and you are going through this. but you can do this.
posted by micawber at 8:39 AM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
This,what you are doing now, is part of the promise you made to your animal when you brought him into your life. You can do this. You do it by doing it. You will panic and flail, but then you will find the reservoir of calm. I remember on the Saturday before my cat passed, I stayed up too late on, of all places, Ask MeFi, doing research, so that I knew what to do if I suddenly came home and found my cat dead, how to handle cremation and what to ask for. I put the number for the 24 hour emergency vet in my phone. I even started to research cremation urns on Etsy because I knew he wouldn't want one of those cat-shaped urns (he would have HAUNTED me). The research actually helped me because it was something I could DO, it was something I could control.
You have to go through your process here, is what I'm trying to say. Do your research and do your worrying and tough nuts if you're giving your roommate constant updates.
I am so sorry your friend is ill and you are going through this. but you can do this.
posted by micawber at 8:39 AM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I"m so sorry to hear this, my kitty just had a virus for a few days last year and I had the same obsessive reaction. All you can do is try to hold it together and consciously stop yourself from flailing. It helped that, when I really needed to, I broke down with my partner and he comforted me. Maybe have one good freakout with your roommate/friend/partner/pillow when it builds up too much.
Me and my babies will be thinking of you and yours!
posted by torisaur at 8:50 AM on July 8, 2010
Me and my babies will be thinking of you and yours!
posted by torisaur at 8:50 AM on July 8, 2010
My dog was very ill on and off for a while. One night after a trip to the animal hospital, one of the vets called to check up and we wound up having a long conversation about how long to continue her life, what to plan, and so on. It really helped. If you like one of your animal health care providers-- vet, vet tech, whoever-- you might try to talk with them. Many of them seem to be in the business of caring for the owners as much as the pets.
Another vet told me that animals have no self pity and they consider this another stage of life. "We can learn a lot from them," he said. This is absolutely true, in my experience.
posted by BibiRose at 9:03 AM on July 8, 2010
Another vet told me that animals have no self pity and they consider this another stage of life. "We can learn a lot from them," he said. This is absolutely true, in my experience.
posted by BibiRose at 9:03 AM on July 8, 2010
You are fine. The strong people who stick in there and get it done have the same thoughts.
You don't have to "get over it". It sucks. All you have to do is get through it. Focus on the task at hand, caring for your cat. The rest will follow, time will pass.
Care taking is a life skill. Everyone is mortal and you will eventually encounter failing health with family and friends if you haven't already. It's part of life and you came equipped with all the necessary tools to get through it. Focus on the love, not the fear.
posted by quarterframer at 9:07 AM on July 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
You don't have to "get over it". It sucks. All you have to do is get through it. Focus on the task at hand, caring for your cat. The rest will follow, time will pass.
Care taking is a life skill. Everyone is mortal and you will eventually encounter failing health with family and friends if you haven't already. It's part of life and you came equipped with all the necessary tools to get through it. Focus on the love, not the fear.
posted by quarterframer at 9:07 AM on July 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Dealing with the agitation and stress: When you get worried, but you know there's nothing else to *do* at the moment...build good memories. Do the things you'll want to have done, stave off future regrets. Spend more time with kitty, in whatever ways make kitty happy or you happy. Take some good pictures. Enjoy that you have him now.
Find an online discussion group geared toward kitty's issues. (Try to avoid the ones that will be filled with "natural remedies.") Such groups are a great supplement to the time you do have with your vet, since that's limited, although obviously any significant change in his care should be discussed with the vet. The people in the group will have experience in dealing with just what you're dealing with; they have been through this and can be good support. They know what you need to know and can help you figure out what is useful, and what is stressful obsessing. They might be able to suggest alternatives in home care that your vet hasn't discussed, can tell you how you might expect to see kitty's recovery/treatment going, can let you know if, in their experiences, something is a major danger sign or is pretty normal for kitties with his problems.
If nothing else, they can tell you, "Yeah, we've been there. We know how hard it is. It's okay to acknowledge that this is difficult and stressful." Having support from others dealing with the same thing can help a lot when you're dealing with a scary medical situation.
Dealing with illness in senior pets is so worrisome. I have a dog I've been through this with *twice*; once when she developed Cushing's and I thought it was all over...but with diagnosis & treatment, she recovered! Then again just last month, when she took such a sudden downturn that I thought it must be the end...but turns out she's hypothyroid now too, and with treatment slowly improving. It's such a wrenching experience to be faced with imminent mortality in these precious little lives. It's a reminder that this really is temporary. I take it as a constant reminder to relish their presence while I have it.
You obviously love your kitty, and that's the main thing you need to have to step up and do the right thing by him. Good luck. Hope the worst of the stress is relieved soon.
posted by galadriel at 9:09 AM on July 8, 2010
Find an online discussion group geared toward kitty's issues. (Try to avoid the ones that will be filled with "natural remedies.") Such groups are a great supplement to the time you do have with your vet, since that's limited, although obviously any significant change in his care should be discussed with the vet. The people in the group will have experience in dealing with just what you're dealing with; they have been through this and can be good support. They know what you need to know and can help you figure out what is useful, and what is stressful obsessing. They might be able to suggest alternatives in home care that your vet hasn't discussed, can tell you how you might expect to see kitty's recovery/treatment going, can let you know if, in their experiences, something is a major danger sign or is pretty normal for kitties with his problems.
If nothing else, they can tell you, "Yeah, we've been there. We know how hard it is. It's okay to acknowledge that this is difficult and stressful." Having support from others dealing with the same thing can help a lot when you're dealing with a scary medical situation.
Dealing with illness in senior pets is so worrisome. I have a dog I've been through this with *twice*; once when she developed Cushing's and I thought it was all over...but with diagnosis & treatment, she recovered! Then again just last month, when she took such a sudden downturn that I thought it must be the end...but turns out she's hypothyroid now too, and with treatment slowly improving. It's such a wrenching experience to be faced with imminent mortality in these precious little lives. It's a reminder that this really is temporary. I take it as a constant reminder to relish their presence while I have it.
You obviously love your kitty, and that's the main thing you need to have to step up and do the right thing by him. Good luck. Hope the worst of the stress is relieved soon.
posted by galadriel at 9:09 AM on July 8, 2010
Dude, I cried for literally a week (on and off) when my cat was diagnosed with diabetes, in terror that I wasn't going to be able to cope with it at all and from the stress of having this suddenly dumped on me. Pet ownership was one thing -- caring for a seriously ill pet? I was not prepared. I didn't think I could do it. I wondered in panic if there were pet nursing homes.
I followed the excellent guidance of my vet, leaned on my spouse and my mom (by phone) for support, learned to give shots (!!!!! and I'm pretty needle-phobic), went into hysterics in the vet's office which kinda freaked out the vet, and, in the end, got it together. Took care of him for around two years with escalating medical interventions but it was never, ever as hard as that first week -- even when we put him to sleep at the end. (I mean, emotionally, that was way more sucky, but I wasn't in such a frenzied panic of inability to cope.) It was just such a shock, and it felt like so much more than I could deal with. But plenty of other people have been through this, and dealt with it, and I learned to, and you'll learn to, too.
And honestly, and not to be flippant -- having gone through it with my cat, I was much more prepared to deal calmly with some bumps in the road with my pregnancy, and with things like infant vaccinations and scary-but-harmless baby illnesses, which are very stressful for a first-time parent -- but I had already been through that stress with my cat and had learned how to cope with that kind of stress.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:17 AM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I followed the excellent guidance of my vet, leaned on my spouse and my mom (by phone) for support, learned to give shots (!!!!! and I'm pretty needle-phobic), went into hysterics in the vet's office which kinda freaked out the vet, and, in the end, got it together. Took care of him for around two years with escalating medical interventions but it was never, ever as hard as that first week -- even when we put him to sleep at the end. (I mean, emotionally, that was way more sucky, but I wasn't in such a frenzied panic of inability to cope.) It was just such a shock, and it felt like so much more than I could deal with. But plenty of other people have been through this, and dealt with it, and I learned to, and you'll learn to, too.
And honestly, and not to be flippant -- having gone through it with my cat, I was much more prepared to deal calmly with some bumps in the road with my pregnancy, and with things like infant vaccinations and scary-but-harmless baby illnesses, which are very stressful for a first-time parent -- but I had already been through that stress with my cat and had learned how to cope with that kind of stress.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:17 AM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
For me, I thought of him as not a cat, but my best friend -- how would I want to honor him in his last days? What will my future self wish I'd been doing while I still have time with him? or What would you want from your mom in this situation? My 'baby' will have been gone a year on 7/27, and I miss him horribly but I find comfort in knowing that I loved the hell out of him, every single day.
You can do this.
posted by MeiraV at 9:52 AM on July 8, 2010
For me, I thought of him as not a cat, but my best friend -- how would I want to honor him in his last days? What will my future self wish I'd been doing while I still have time with him? or What would you want from your mom in this situation? My 'baby' will have been gone a year on 7/27, and I miss him horribly but I find comfort in knowing that I loved the hell out of him, every single day.
You can do this.
posted by MeiraV at 9:52 AM on July 8, 2010
I just went through something similar with my cat. He was a very low-maintenance cat until he got sick and was diagnosed with metastatic pancreatic cancer in April. He had to be hospitalized, then treated at home with daily subcutaneous fluids and medications. I was very upset and worried, but as long as I lavished him with love (and extra stinky food, per the vet's instructions), he was happy. When it became evident that he was in a lot of pain and distress, we had a vet who does house calls come over and put him to sleep at home, because going to the vet's office stressed him out. We basically just made an effort to spoil him rotten as much as we could.
It's totally normal to lose your shit when you realize your feline friend is ill. You just need to remind yourself that worrying and fussing won't change the outcome much, but giving him lots of love and attention will at the very least give him a good quality of life. I like one of the suggestions above about scheduling when you check his food dish and sticking to the schedule. I was a little obsessive about my cat's eating at first, but once I realized he was much more likely to go over to the food dish and eat if I wasn't standing there hovering over it, I chilled out and let him do his thing and checked on it twice a day or so. And when his appetite was low, my husband put the cat on his lap and spoon-fed him kitten food or baby food (which is disgusting, but cats cannot resist pureed chicken). You can get through this.
posted by bedhead at 10:43 AM on July 8, 2010
It's totally normal to lose your shit when you realize your feline friend is ill. You just need to remind yourself that worrying and fussing won't change the outcome much, but giving him lots of love and attention will at the very least give him a good quality of life. I like one of the suggestions above about scheduling when you check his food dish and sticking to the schedule. I was a little obsessive about my cat's eating at first, but once I realized he was much more likely to go over to the food dish and eat if I wasn't standing there hovering over it, I chilled out and let him do his thing and checked on it twice a day or so. And when his appetite was low, my husband put the cat on his lap and spoon-fed him kitten food or baby food (which is disgusting, but cats cannot resist pureed chicken). You can get through this.
posted by bedhead at 10:43 AM on July 8, 2010
I'm sorry about your kitty. It's so hard to watch animals and people go through this.
It sounds like you're doing everything you can do and have educated yourself on his condition. Try to take it easy on yourself.
I know it's easy to say, but obsessively checking his bowl isn't going to help him. You know the danger signs and how to deal with them.
Your main goal should probably be to make sure he feels comfortable and pain free. Realistically, in his old age, he doesn't have much time left. With my pets, I have struggled to accept that even the best treatment in the world can't make the pet live anywhere close to the average human life span.
Everyone has limitations. It's OK if you are unable to take heroic measures to save your cat. He has lived a long, happy life. How much pain-free time on average does a cat in his condition have? How much more time will the treatments give your cat? Focus on trying to make the end of his life a happy time for him. He might not have much left and you can't control that he isn't going to live forever. Try focusing on making him happy as opposed to worrying obsessively about how much time he has left (which I know is extremely difficult to do). Take it easy on yourself.
posted by parakeetdog at 10:54 AM on July 8, 2010
It sounds like you're doing everything you can do and have educated yourself on his condition. Try to take it easy on yourself.
I know it's easy to say, but obsessively checking his bowl isn't going to help him. You know the danger signs and how to deal with them.
Your main goal should probably be to make sure he feels comfortable and pain free. Realistically, in his old age, he doesn't have much time left. With my pets, I have struggled to accept that even the best treatment in the world can't make the pet live anywhere close to the average human life span.
Everyone has limitations. It's OK if you are unable to take heroic measures to save your cat. He has lived a long, happy life. How much pain-free time on average does a cat in his condition have? How much more time will the treatments give your cat? Focus on trying to make the end of his life a happy time for him. He might not have much left and you can't control that he isn't going to live forever. Try focusing on making him happy as opposed to worrying obsessively about how much time he has left (which I know is extremely difficult to do). Take it easy on yourself.
posted by parakeetdog at 10:54 AM on July 8, 2010
I'm a new pet owner. Just got a dog, and my fiance has 2 cats. So I now have a dog and 2 cats. I've never been in your situation, but I would imagine that it's extremely difficult to deal with. No matter what anyone says here, it will be hard to face this. You've had your cat for 17 years. That's a long time. Now all of a sudden this long time friend is sick. And that hurts. Bottom line, you've gotta be strong and look out out for your cat. Follow the vet's instructions. Your cat can't take care of itself. It's relying on you. You can do this...you're doing it already. Just have a positive attitude. Sometimes knowing that you're doing everything you can is all you need to make the situation more relaxing. I hope your cat feels better and things work out!
posted by ljs30 at 11:15 AM on July 8, 2010
posted by ljs30 at 11:15 AM on July 8, 2010
Each time you care for an aging and dying pet it gets easier and you learn a lot about yourself. It also teaches you to handle aging and dying humans better. You learn to set aside your worry and enjoy the remaining time. It may also give you the grace and understanding to deal with your own impending mortality one day.
posted by meepmeow at 12:52 PM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by meepmeow at 12:52 PM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Honestly - I think all you need is a couple weeks to get used to this situation.
I don't know how long it takes to get used to this part because I, myself am still not used to it: Oh, that's right, my cat is mortal. Crap.
But I think all it takes it time to get used to this part: suddenly having to get proactive about his health, after more than 15 years of being able to just feed him and that's it
Most people are creatures of habit. It sounds to me like you are a creature of habit too; for those of us who are, any shake-up in our usual routine can be pretty jarring and unsettling. It also sounds to me like you are very conscientious and take responsibility very seriously. So to have serious responsibility suddenly thrust on you, of course would make you feel overwhelmed. It wouldn't make you feel nearly as overwhelmed if you were the kind of person who easily shirked responsibility and didn't take it seriously. So that amplifies the shake-up that you might have gotten just from the change in routine itself.
I don't know where I heard this or if there is any real evidence for it, but I heard it when I was a pretty young child and I've found it to be true for my whole life: new, good habits take 3 weeks to set in.
So just give yourself 3 weeks to see if you don't get used to this new habit of needing to do more for the cat. Let yourself freak out, feel all the feelings you have, but just make sure you stick faithfully to the new habit like it sounds you have been doing. Tell yourself you just have to do it for three weeks.
At the end of 3 weeks, take a look at how you feel and if you are still so jarred. I have a feeling that you will feel a lot better.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:28 PM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't know how long it takes to get used to this part because I, myself am still not used to it: Oh, that's right, my cat is mortal. Crap.
But I think all it takes it time to get used to this part: suddenly having to get proactive about his health, after more than 15 years of being able to just feed him and that's it
Most people are creatures of habit. It sounds to me like you are a creature of habit too; for those of us who are, any shake-up in our usual routine can be pretty jarring and unsettling. It also sounds to me like you are very conscientious and take responsibility very seriously. So to have serious responsibility suddenly thrust on you, of course would make you feel overwhelmed. It wouldn't make you feel nearly as overwhelmed if you were the kind of person who easily shirked responsibility and didn't take it seriously. So that amplifies the shake-up that you might have gotten just from the change in routine itself.
I don't know where I heard this or if there is any real evidence for it, but I heard it when I was a pretty young child and I've found it to be true for my whole life: new, good habits take 3 weeks to set in.
So just give yourself 3 weeks to see if you don't get used to this new habit of needing to do more for the cat. Let yourself freak out, feel all the feelings you have, but just make sure you stick faithfully to the new habit like it sounds you have been doing. Tell yourself you just have to do it for three weeks.
At the end of 3 weeks, take a look at how you feel and if you are still so jarred. I have a feeling that you will feel a lot better.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:28 PM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh, annnnd ---
I would really second the recommendation of finding someone to talk to - in person, online, whatever - who has spent a lot of time caring for ailing cats. It helps a lot for me when I'm freaking out about my dog, especially if the person is kind of old and gruff, but YMMV.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:32 PM on July 8, 2010
I would really second the recommendation of finding someone to talk to - in person, online, whatever - who has spent a lot of time caring for ailing cats. It helps a lot for me when I'm freaking out about my dog, especially if the person is kind of old and gruff, but YMMV.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:32 PM on July 8, 2010
Mod note: From the OP:
Hello all --posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:26 PM on July 9, 2010
Thank you all very much, especially for the reassurance that those selfish thoughts were not actually a sign I was a perfect fiend.
I ultimately told myself that, well, I could only do so much -- my job was to create the best conditions possible for him to eat as much as he could, and then I had to just sit back and let him do what his body was telling him was best. If that was to eat, then fine. If that was to pack it in, then so be it.
Fortunately, today, what his body apparently decided it needed to do was 'ravenously devour two and a half cans of Fancy Feast in an apparent bid to make up for lost dinners', which has me very relieved indeed - so I think we're both in a much better place. We both thank you.
Thanks for updating us, jessamyn. (Can't help wondering why this question had to be anonymous in the first place, now.)
posted by zadcat at 7:28 PM on July 10, 2010
posted by zadcat at 7:28 PM on July 10, 2010
(Can't help wondering why this question had to be anonymous in the first place, now.)
...Eh, screw it.
this was me. I anonymized it because I was horrified about those "should I give my cat up" thoughts and they were freaking me out, and thought I would get a crapton of "how DARE you give up your cat you WEAK SPINELESS CRUEL SHE-BEAST."
But that didn't happen. So -- if you're in the New York area and you've heard me talk about my cat Zach....it's him. His appetite is still up and down, but I've had people tell me that this is par for the course, and not to freak out too much (if he eats between one and two cans of Fancy Feast a day, I'm in good shape, and that generally happens), but...yeah, I realized I basically am beginning hospice care for him, and...on one level it sucks, but as y'all have pointed out, I can do this, and if you've met Zach, you know he deserves it.
Thanks.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:40 PM on July 11, 2010
...Eh, screw it.
this was me. I anonymized it because I was horrified about those "should I give my cat up" thoughts and they were freaking me out, and thought I would get a crapton of "how DARE you give up your cat you WEAK SPINELESS CRUEL SHE-BEAST."
But that didn't happen. So -- if you're in the New York area and you've heard me talk about my cat Zach....it's him. His appetite is still up and down, but I've had people tell me that this is par for the course, and not to freak out too much (if he eats between one and two cans of Fancy Feast a day, I'm in good shape, and that generally happens), but...yeah, I realized I basically am beginning hospice care for him, and...on one level it sucks, but as y'all have pointed out, I can do this, and if you've met Zach, you know he deserves it.
Thanks.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:40 PM on July 11, 2010
I figured you anonymized it because you were worried about negative reactions to those negative emotions. That sort of thing can drive you crazy with guilt; the conflicting feelings, I think, are some of the hardest we ever face. I hope you did manage to derive enough "those are okay feelings" reassurance from this post. You're in a rough place and don't need to be beating up on yourself on top of everything else.
Best of luck to the kitty.
posted by galadriel at 7:28 PM on July 12, 2010
Best of luck to the kitty.
posted by galadriel at 7:28 PM on July 12, 2010
Don't forget that those feelings are normal. My sister died (at 16) after a long illness, and one of the things that was really hard was when I found myself thinking "why doesn't she just die?"
The experience did teach me something: when my cats get sick, I plan to get them put down while life is still fun for them, before they get to be in as much pain as my sister was.
posted by phliar at 6:54 PM on July 14, 2010
The experience did teach me something: when my cats get sick, I plan to get them put down while life is still fun for them, before they get to be in as much pain as my sister was.
posted by phliar at 6:54 PM on July 14, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
You hint at adopting him out. Please be aware that taking him to a shelter is a death sentence. They will have him put to sleep. Adoption is literally not an option for a 17 year old cat with serious medical issues.
If you can't care for him, then I personally feel that taking him to the vet and having him put to sleep would be the responsible thing to do. This wouldn't be my advice if he was 2 or 3, but I think at 17, it's a realistic option.
Having a sick animal is really hard. Try to enjoy the time you have with him now.
posted by ErikaB at 8:19 AM on July 8, 2010 [5 favorites]