Whaddaya Know, AskMe?

July 8, 2010 4:48 AM

Whaddaya know?

Too many times to remember now I've asked the question "Whaddaya know" (what do you know) as a sort of alternative to "Hello" or "Good morning" by friends and co-workers when I first see them each day. This is interchangeable with other 'greetings' such as "What's news?" or "What's happening?"

Usually around the time this happens it's very early and I'm decaffeinated so I don't have a witty retort. I would like witty retorts. I would like them on hand en masse to use when needed. And while I could (and have) come up with a few of my own, it dawned on me that the usually hilarious and always creative hive-mind could come up with a few good rejoinders as well.

So AskMe. Whaddaya know?

posted by Effigy2000 to human relations (62 answers total)

Not much. You?
posted by carmicha at 4:49 AM on July 8, 2010 [5 favorites]

Isn't the go-to response, "Not much, you?" per the NPR show?
posted by Admiral Haddock at 4:50 AM on July 8, 2010

Admiral Haddock: "Isn't the go-to response, "Not much, you?" per the NPR show?"

That's my decaffeinated response. The kind I'm trying to avoid. I want funny, smart, interesting and creative responses.
posted by Effigy2000 at 4:52 AM on July 8, 2010

42
posted by koolkat at 4:58 AM on July 8, 2010 [4 favorites]

More than yesterday, less than tomorrow.
posted by Brittanie at 5:02 AM on July 8, 2010 [4 favorites]

What don't I know?
posted by Grither at 5:02 AM on July 8, 2010 [2 favorites]

" I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's;
I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous;
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies,
I know the croaking chorus from The Frogs of Aristophanes!
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore,
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.
Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin",
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a Javelin,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat",
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery—
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy—
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.
For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General. "

You'll have 'em rolling in the aisles. Trust me.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 5:03 AM on July 8, 2010 [20 favorites]

"Don't get me started".
"You have no idea".
"One thing I know for sure is that I need coffee."
posted by Namlit at 5:06 AM on July 8, 2010

My response to "What's happening?" is a smiling, finger-guns "YOU are!". Always gets a chuckle.
posted by DWRoelands at 5:10 AM on July 8, 2010 [8 favorites]

"I know why the sky is blue AND who wrote the book of love!"
posted by drlith at 5:13 AM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

These things are just phatic, and socially you can just shrug or let them slide. Having a witty reply to "whaddya know" would be like giving a health report in reply to "How are you?"
posted by zadcat at 5:15 AM on July 8, 2010 [5 favorites]

I know who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong (actually, I do).

I agree that it's a social convention and a "witty" response, unless it's really brief, kind of short circuits the whole point.

I used to work with a student whose regular greeting to me was "Tell me something I don't know." But that was a clear invitation to trivial education rather than a slight variation on "hi."
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:19 AM on July 8, 2010

Why it so important to have a zinger ready?

A suggest an introduction to something the other person doesn't know yet...

I know how to take a good photo... want to learn?
posted by MikeWarot at 5:24 AM on July 8, 2010

My previous answer aside, I find that greeting irritating. Mrs Morte has a friend who asks me that every time I see her. I made a half-hearted attempt at a witty reply the first couple of times, but now I just shrug awkwardly and say something like "Um, I don't know. How are you, anyway?". It's just part of trying to be quirky when you're not. Genuinely quirky people just say 'hi' and then go on their way muttering quietly to their invisible friend.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 5:30 AM on July 8, 2010 [2 favorites]

"After last night? How to hide a body. I hope."
posted by TomMelee at 5:33 AM on July 8, 2010 [8 favorites]

When people ask me "What's up?" I usually reply "The price of gas."
posted by Devils Rancher at 5:34 AM on July 8, 2010

"Let me show you with interpretive dance!" and then spontaneously proceed to wiggle in whichever way you feel suits the occasion.
posted by iamkimiam at 5:35 AM on July 8, 2010 [3 favorites]

enough to know i don't know enough.
posted by mary8nne at 5:43 AM on July 8, 2010

Hey Joe, Whaddya know?
Hey, Jane, what's the game?

(From AI -- may only work if you're Jude Law)
posted by Comrade_robot at 5:44 AM on July 8, 2010

"What don't I know?" and then stare menacingly into the other person's eyes, leading to a prolonged state of elevated discomfort where they realize that their options are to either challenge your assertion that you know everything, which could lead to an escalating level of lunacy, or acknowledge that you are in fact omniscient, which could pose a parallel set of problems.
posted by Shepherd at 5:44 AM on July 8, 2010 [2 favorites]

In defense of my earlier answer... "Whaddaya know?" is an irritating greeting because it's asking you to perform for the amusement of your inquisitor. "Not much. You?" refuses to play and turns the tables, giving you a dominant status while appearing to self-deprecatee. At the same time, it's also kind because it's formulaic ans so lets the asker off the hook... if you deliver it in a way that so allows.

To further illustrate, I provide expert witness testimony on occasion. In deposition, some times an attorney exhibits the knack of saying innocuous things with insinuating malevolence that can rattle the target into saying something disadvantageous... and yet the lawyer looks innocuous to people reading the transcript.
posted by carmicha at 5:46 AM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

"The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side."
posted by crunchland at 5:46 AM on July 8, 2010 [2 favorites]

''I could write a book!''
posted by Hiker at 5:47 AM on July 8, 2010

MikeWarot: "Why it so important to have a zinger ready?"

It's not important per se. I would just like to have a whole bunch of them ready to use if and when I need them.
posted by Effigy2000 at 5:50 AM on July 8, 2010

My response is usually "Daaah, I'm a trendy tote bag!"
♫ we'll have an adventure, and several long trips... ♪
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:54 AM on July 8, 2010

I usually respond to this, and also to similar social questions "what's up?" and "how's it going?" with "Hi." Because the asker is just saying "hi" in a longer way that demands a response anyway, and I loathe being roped into an exchange of phrases that don't really mean anything. I mean "hi" though. I only recommend this if you don't mind coming off as a little off-beat. I have never gotten a bad reaction to this, but I have enough weirdness points to pull it off.
posted by millipede at 5:54 AM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Whaddya know?"

"Not telling."
posted by Salvor Hardin at 5:55 AM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

Or, "wouldn't you like to know."

Or, "you know, it's considered polite to offer a penny for my thoughts."

Or, (in Russian spy accent) "I know nothing!"
posted by Salvor Hardin at 5:58 AM on July 8, 2010

Dootin' doo doo, feelin' groovy.
posted by timshel at 6:12 AM on July 8, 2010

"None of your damn business!" is good for a laugh, with the right people.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:13 AM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

Having a witty reply to "whaddya know" would be like giving a health report in reply to "How are you?"

Ummmm... that's what I thought you were supposed to do...

Ooops. Sorry. Wrong thread.
posted by Chairboy at 6:33 AM on July 8, 2010

Just curious, but are you American? I'm American, from the East Coast, and no one has ever said "Whaddya know?" to me in my life.

" 'Sup" is another story, though...
posted by bearette at 6:54 AM on July 8, 2010

sorry, nevermind. Just checkout out your profile.
posted by bearette at 6:56 AM on July 8, 2010

"All there is to know [very short, wistful pause] about the crying game."
posted by kittyprecious at 7:00 AM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

I have a great idea but it would require you to carry a nearly unlimited supply of Tootsie Pops on you at all times.
posted by Shepherd at 7:02 AM on July 8, 2010 [3 favorites]

More than you could possibly imagine. (my family's stock reply to "You know what?"--the rhetorical intro to a discussion of something)
posted by galadriel at 7:10 AM on July 8, 2010

"If I told you, I'd have to kill you."
"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die."
(start humming the jeopardy theme music and then "I'll take things I know for 100, Alex!"
posted by lriG rorriM at 7:21 AM on July 8, 2010

The first time I was asked, "Whaddaya know?" (when I was heading back to my desk from the bathroom at work) I was baffled and replied, "'What do I know' about what!?"

But since I only encounter it from that same guy at work, now my replies are wry work humor: "Very little, as it turns out," or "Less than I thought!" And then we laugh like chums, and I ask him how he's doing.
posted by Squeak Attack at 7:36 AM on July 8, 2010

- "Why the caged bird sings."
- "Nothing, if not how to rock."
- (narrow eyes suspiciously) "Who wants to know?"
posted by dephlogisticated at 7:43 AM on July 8, 2010

"YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!"
(then storm off)
posted by Menthol at 7:44 AM on July 8, 2010 [5 favorites]

I would scrap the witty response(s)--it only reinforces the questions and puts pressure on you to continue to be entertaining ( which may be reasonable, but on your schedule not theirs ). I simply respond to these types of questions with a simple and straightforward--Good Morning (afternoon etc) or Hello. I am not a big fan of making simple greetings and niceties into a challenge for information or entertainment. I have some retorts but I think it is a waste of time and social energy to get into them.
posted by rmhsinc at 7:56 AM on July 8, 2010 [2 favorites]

"I'm not saying anything without my lawyer present."
posted by foobario at 8:13 AM on July 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

I know what you've been doing.

(Adopt an accusing/amused/worried/other tone as desired).
posted by tomcooke at 8:14 AM on July 8, 2010

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know I ought to leave the young thing alone, but ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
posted by holterbarbour at 8:19 AM on July 8, 2010

I just got back from a vaudeville show
posted by ecurtz at 8:28 AM on July 8, 2010

"Whaddaya know?"

Open eyes wide, pause for effect, then in a lowered voice reply, "Why? What have you heard?"
posted by amyms at 9:00 AM on July 8, 2010 [3 favorites]

"What you did last summer."
"What boys like."
posted by nickmark at 9:19 AM on July 8, 2010

I usually respond to this, and also to similar social questions "what's up?" and "how's it going?" with "Hi." Because the asker is just saying "hi" in a longer way that demands a response anyway, and I loathe being roped into an exchange of phrases that don't really mean anything. I mean "hi" though. I only recommend this if you don't mind coming off as a little off-beat. I have never gotten a bad reaction to this, but I have enough weirdness points to pull it off.

I do this too. It actually feels like the most natural thing to me. If it is coming off as weird, no one has made me aware of it yet. (But now that I think about it, I only do it with service people, who I don't know and have no basis for conversation with. If it's someone I know they get an actual response.)
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:49 AM on July 8, 2010

Secrets.
posted by The World Famous at 10:54 AM on July 8, 2010

"Whaddaya know?"

"Mmmm I know I want to rub your throbbing cock all over my face, you big fucking man."


(Probably won't ask you that anymore, anyway.)
posted by Darth Fedor at 11:10 AM on July 8, 2010

"If I told you, then I'd have to kill you."
posted by Zozo at 11:36 AM on July 8, 2010 [2 favorites]

Whaddaya yes?
posted by blue_beetle at 11:39 AM on July 8, 2010

I know who Jimmy is, and why he cracks corn, but to tell you the truth, I don't care.
posted by Oriole Adams at 12:14 PM on July 8, 2010

I'm afraid that I simply cannot recommend the stock zinger. To my ear it reeks of Trying Too Hard. If you must say something funny, I'd go with a clever allusion to a possible conversation topic. For example, say you were out late last night. Then you might do

THEM: Whaddaya know?
YOU (wince): I know that the second bottle of Jim Beam is NOT a good idea.

This leaves you the freedom to treat your response as a pleasantry and end the conversation gracefully, or to move into full-blown small talk.
posted by sesquipedalian at 3:00 PM on July 8, 2010

"Lots of stuff! What would you like to know?", in a very bright cheerful tone.

Guaranteed to render some people immediately speechless as their brain stutters to come up with a comeback, which can be entertaining to watch.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 4:20 PM on July 8, 2010

"Would you believe that the 'secret' of NIMH is that NIMH stands for the National Institute of Mental Health?"

"All about the tea futures in Sichuan Province."

"All I know is I stopped wearing underwear yesterday, and I've never felt freer."

"Where Jimmy Hoffa is."

"I know that the penitent man shall pass."
posted by Ghidorah at 4:43 PM on July 8, 2010

Dial up the paranoia. Grab whatever you have, give the person shifty eyes, begin to hyperventilate a little, and say, "What do YOU know?!"
posted by mornie_alantie at 5:14 PM on July 8, 2010

I think it was the West Wing, and some character asked "____, what do you know that I don't" to which the reply was along the lines of "____, the sheer sum of what I know that you don't would fill several libraries." You could write a Random West Wing quote generator and use that as your answer. It wouldn't necessarily be an answer, but would be entertaining.

Actually, if you like to be known for wordplay, get on some word-of-the-day and quote-of-the-day lists, and you'll always have an answer. People will like it, and you'll get get more Hey-waddayaknow's. You'll get annoyed so much that you'll move to an island and become a hermit.

You're welcome.
posted by theora55 at 5:16 PM on July 8, 2010

I like to use this greeting, myself; but I'm usually disappointed because it seems to catch people off guard. When I'm asked this question my preferred answer is

"Not a thing, not a thing."

Unless of course there's actually something I want to talk to the asker about, and then, it's the best opener.
posted by Rash at 7:19 PM on July 8, 2010

... bought a hot-shot gat from a north end guinea
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 8:46 PM on July 8, 2010

Not sure how witty this is but I've replied to this greeting deadpan with some weird sort of trivia. It surprised the person who asked but led to a fun conversation. Mine was "Iguanas do not need to get busy with another iguana to lay eggs". This might be a bit racy for early morning greeting but there's tons of sites that list weird or odd facts.
You might want to limit yourself to how often you do this since it could get old really fast but every once in a while is fun.


http://www.strangefacts.com/facts1.html
posted by stray thoughts at 9:13 PM on July 8, 2010

"Not enough."
"I'll tell you after coffee."
"(somewhat obscure movie spoiler, ie: 'In the end, Johnny Depp just goes floating off in some canoe.' (Deadman), "
"Valentino Rossi is the greatest motorcycle racer, maybe ever. He once claimed to have hired a witch to put a hex on Sete Gibernau (the motorcycle-racing-model-dating-playboy-grandson of Francisco Xavier "Paco" Bultó who of course founded the Bultaco motorcycle company), telling Gibernau he would never finish in front of him ever again and sure enough Gibernau never did. Gibernau soon after retired and Rossi is still winning races have a good morning."
"How to train a dog."
posted by From Bklyn at 3:31 AM on July 9, 2010