Help me turn the light on please. LDR boyfriend is active on adult sites, through live encounters, with real people. I am willing to understand, yet there is more to it. Where to draw the line ?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (34 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
------- TL ; DR :
1) I am aware that cyber-s_x isn't necessarily a road to serious cheating, and that the overlapping of definitions between cheating and cyber-s_x are hazy and very personal ; Am I beanplating his hiding it from me ?
2) is it regular / normal for LDR couples to have separate cyber-s_x without talking about it prior to it, during the relationship ?
3) What more should I be aware of, approaching this ?
-----------------------------No DTMA please, I am simply willing to understand-----------------------------------------------
My boyfriend of 6 months (INTx), late 20s, whom I (24, ENFx) only get to visit every couple of weeks, has always been caring, loving, a skilled listener, and altogether wonderful. Our sex life is good. We have a GGG approach to sex, him being more casual than I am, and enjoy talking about it as well as experiencing new things, it is reallly nice and healthy. He never hid his past from me, as he has caused quite some emotional stress to ex girlfriends of his, often by mistake, or carelessness. I didn't want to fall into stereotypes, but was aware that he had cheated in the past. Finding it hard to believe that I was altogether very different from the others, which made him more in love with me (his words), I grew suspicious as his demonstrations of love increased. My self esteem isn't always top level, and I have been in therapy for 3 years.
4 months into the relationship, I snooped in his web history, (a rather clumsy/sad manner of trying to reassure myself that he wasn't meeting people online, and that his fantasies weren't too harcore for me). I quickly confessed it to him, and am fully aware of how wrong it is and damaging to a relationship. It was a good opportunity to talk about our habits / tastes / etc, and he was pretty light-hearted about it, we even cruised some sites together. I later asked him if he had ever had cyber s_x, which he told me was the case, including during the time we had been together. I was a little taken aback by the statement, and he immediately told me it wasn't important, and very sweetly offered not to do it again (without my asking), since he didn't want to hurt me. It felt really caring and free-willed.
I figured we would talk about it some more later on, and our relationship just kept going. Upon visiting him last week-end, I started a conversation which involed our sex lives & co... and his interest for cyber s_x chats, topics I consider very important, due to the 4 hours between us.
..... It may have been intrusive of myself to broach the subject, I am not sure.
He let it flow and didn't mention anything specific or new.
The next day, disgusted by myself but somehow compelled by a lingering doubt, I went back to his web history, and found recent activity in cyber s_x chat rooms of all kinds. He asked me about it later that day as he was expecting i'd snoop, he hadn't tried to hide it, and I have been feeling very stomach-achy and worried since then. We then had a really open conversation.
The fact that he didn't mention it in the first place, then after offering to stop so spontaneously, and later his not telling me he had kept meeting people, especially when I asked about it in an open and relaxed manner... made me feel like he lied to me. By omission, as a white lie somehow.
I have mixed feelings, for 3 reasons :
- I can't help but to think of his old girlfriends, who got burned by his behaviors while they were a couple. Knowing this, scared me very much when we first started dating.
- One specific website (s_xr0ulette) had pre-set filters to "discreet relationsip" and "romance". He told me these were default settings, but I am not sure to what extent it is true.
- He tells me he feels like I worry too much and am being paranoid, and plays it down, comparing his online partners to objects.
It is true that he says he wouldn't want to have these encounters in real life, and wouldn't go to these chatrooms if we lived closer. What to believe ?
----Thanks so much !