How should I deal with this family insanity?
July 1, 2010 8:24 PM Subscribe
Should I boycott my parents to provoke a fundamental change? Have you ever done that? Is there a smarter way to deal with this problem?
The story is somewhat simple, my parents divorced about 12 years ago, but few months before divorcing my brother was conceived. After living with him and my mother for about 5 years, I decided to move in with my father who emigrated to another country. It is then when he told me that he never believed he is the father of that child, and intends to prove my mother wrong. My mother has denied all this, and insists on her fidelity. They are so angry at each that it is only recently (a year ago) that they decided to do a paternity test, when my father visited them. My brother of course (who is now 12) calls him "dad" and wonders why he is treated with such distant attitude by my father who remarried since. The paternity test unfortunately wasn't a success because they didn't get the correct sample for it, and now they are back to be angry at each other and accomplishing NOTHING. I am in my 20s, and of course quite disgusted by their antics, attitude and irresponsibility for the kid who is slowly becoming more and more alienated, and angry at the world.
So please, what would you do? I tried telling them that they should resolve this issue ASAP for his sake, stop arguing for 5 minutes, and get the facts straight. I am at the end of my wits, and if I don't come up with anything constructive I intend to boycott them, and just disappear or distance myself from them until they resolve this. I live by myself and I'm not dependent on them at all.
The story is somewhat simple, my parents divorced about 12 years ago, but few months before divorcing my brother was conceived. After living with him and my mother for about 5 years, I decided to move in with my father who emigrated to another country. It is then when he told me that he never believed he is the father of that child, and intends to prove my mother wrong. My mother has denied all this, and insists on her fidelity. They are so angry at each that it is only recently (a year ago) that they decided to do a paternity test, when my father visited them. My brother of course (who is now 12) calls him "dad" and wonders why he is treated with such distant attitude by my father who remarried since. The paternity test unfortunately wasn't a success because they didn't get the correct sample for it, and now they are back to be angry at each other and accomplishing NOTHING. I am in my 20s, and of course quite disgusted by their antics, attitude and irresponsibility for the kid who is slowly becoming more and more alienated, and angry at the world.
So please, what would you do? I tried telling them that they should resolve this issue ASAP for his sake, stop arguing for 5 minutes, and get the facts straight. I am at the end of my wits, and if I don't come up with anything constructive I intend to boycott them, and just disappear or distance myself from them until they resolve this. I live by myself and I'm not dependent on them at all.
This post was deleted for the following reason: posters request -- mathowie
Everyone's gonna chime in with "be there for your little brother", and I'm with that.
Your dad is being the worse douchebag from what you describe. I would ultimatum him: "You will be civil and nice to my little brother and his mother, or you are dead to me. Man up and get over your resentment or you will have no children at all. I will not take your call, I will bounce your e-mail, I will not darken your door, and you will not be welcome in my home.
"I don't give a fuck about your paternity issues. You and mom will get civil and grow up for my little brother's sake or your are both dead to me."
Yes, I believe in boycotting in these circumstances, both of them if you think they both warrant it. But you have to make it explicit. "Your behavior is why. I will not put up with you being this way, and you are not a part of my life as long as you're being this way. You do not get to act this way and expect me to put up with it. Change your ways and we're a family again.
"Until then, I'm taking my brother's calls."
The "You are dead to me" card is quite often the only effective card one has to play with irrational parents. And even if it doesn't get them to change their behavior, at least you don't have to listen to them be angry and irrational.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 9:05 PM on July 1, 2010 [7 favorites]
Your dad is being the worse douchebag from what you describe. I would ultimatum him: "You will be civil and nice to my little brother and his mother, or you are dead to me. Man up and get over your resentment or you will have no children at all. I will not take your call, I will bounce your e-mail, I will not darken your door, and you will not be welcome in my home.
"I don't give a fuck about your paternity issues. You and mom will get civil and grow up for my little brother's sake or your are both dead to me."
Yes, I believe in boycotting in these circumstances, both of them if you think they both warrant it. But you have to make it explicit. "Your behavior is why. I will not put up with you being this way, and you are not a part of my life as long as you're being this way. You do not get to act this way and expect me to put up with it. Change your ways and we're a family again.
"Until then, I'm taking my brother's calls."
The "You are dead to me" card is quite often the only effective card one has to play with irrational parents. And even if it doesn't get them to change their behavior, at least you don't have to listen to them be angry and irrational.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 9:05 PM on July 1, 2010 [7 favorites]
Anonymous, I am so sorry, that sucks.
At some point, you are going to have to tell your little brother what is going on. I can't give you any advice on how to do that--it's going to hurt, but will it hurt more to not know why his dad is being such a douche? But festering family secrets never make things better. But then, how much can a 12 year old handle? But he's not an idiot, either, and he might be imagining even more horrible things if you don't tell him (like that there's something horribly wrong with him but no-one will tell him what it is).
Like everyone else said, be there for your brother however you decide to handle your parents. Don't disappear on him.
posted by emjaybee at 9:17 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
At some point, you are going to have to tell your little brother what is going on. I can't give you any advice on how to do that--it's going to hurt, but will it hurt more to not know why his dad is being such a douche? But festering family secrets never make things better. But then, how much can a 12 year old handle? But he's not an idiot, either, and he might be imagining even more horrible things if you don't tell him (like that there's something horribly wrong with him but no-one will tell him what it is).
Like everyone else said, be there for your brother however you decide to handle your parents. Don't disappear on him.
posted by emjaybee at 9:17 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ugh. What a sticky situation! I think that before boycotting, you need to sit your dad down (and your mom - but your dad is definitely being the more belligerent here, from your description) and tell him that you think his priorities stink - no matter if it isn't his son, it's his SON. This kid needs a dad, and this is the one he's got. This family drama has got to stop. Yes, definitely, find out the truth. But, then what? Let's say he is the dad: how will your mom feel after all these accusations have been flung for so long. And is your dad likely to cry out "it proves nothing! She could still have been sleeping with someone else"? Let's say he isn't the dad: does he refuse to have anything to do with your little brother after that? Talking with your dad over the two possible outcomes might help him to gain a little perspective on what's important here - not 'honor' or any crap like that, but the present and future of a young man who wants his dad around. If your dad refuses to be rational about this, refuses absolutely to see that your little brother has to rate here, then by all means, step back from both your parents and tell them you're done with them until they can be the *adults* they need to be.
posted by lriG rorriM at 9:36 PM on July 1, 2010
posted by lriG rorriM at 9:36 PM on July 1, 2010
I think talking to your Dad man-to-man is the best bet. Keep the focus on your little brother, use concrete examples of the damage his behavior is causing, lay out the consequences of his continuing to act this way on your own relationship with him and stay as calm as possible. Don't threaten to do anything you are not prepared to immediately follow up on. Your mantra is "this is not a threat, this is a promise buddy". If you appear to be sincere in your concern and decisions you are more likely to come across as an equal and to influence his behavior.
Talk to your mother but I think she is in a much worse position here and cutting off contact with her would also mean you'd lose contact with your brother so I wouldn't do that, personally. Encourage her to get past the fight with your father and to really examine the effect it is having on your brother, her son. She is the only parent he has from the sound of it.
Talking to your brother is tricky in terms of not respecting your mother's boundaries and whatever she has told him. Instead I'd encourage him to talk to you, spend time with him, try to get him involved in your life and interests and be there for him as much as you can.
posted by fshgrl at 11:32 PM on July 1, 2010
Talk to your mother but I think she is in a much worse position here and cutting off contact with her would also mean you'd lose contact with your brother so I wouldn't do that, personally. Encourage her to get past the fight with your father and to really examine the effect it is having on your brother, her son. She is the only parent he has from the sound of it.
Talking to your brother is tricky in terms of not respecting your mother's boundaries and whatever she has told him. Instead I'd encourage him to talk to you, spend time with him, try to get him involved in your life and interests and be there for him as much as you can.
posted by fshgrl at 11:32 PM on July 1, 2010
I do not know enough about paternity tests to understand what you mean by "didn't get the correct sample for it", but it reeks of sabotage. And even if it isn't, if everybody is alive then do the damn test again until you get an answer. It is the only way. You won't change your father's mind after more than a decade, and no matter how much pressure you apply, nobody can fake a proper father/son relationship.
posted by CautionToTheWind at 1:56 AM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by CautionToTheWind at 1:56 AM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
My partner did something like this - didn't speak to his parents for several years. It ultimately did not provoke any kind of change. Eventually they broke down and paid enough lip service to change that he began some minimal contact with them, but ever since then it's been right back to the insane-jerk behavior.
And it seriously damaged his relationships with his siblings, in one case so badly that it has never recovered and seems like maybe it never will.
Which is not to say don't do it, but if you do:
A) be prepared for the possibility that the change you want may not happen, and what you plan to do in that case. Boycott your parents forever? Give up after a while?
B) Don't spring this on your brother, he's got enough crazy going on. Talk with him beforehand, let him know what you're thinking about, and let him know if you decide you need to do this it is not in any way his fault, and you will be available to him, whatever your relationship with your parents is. Mean that, and do it.
posted by Stacey at 3:39 AM on July 2, 2010
And it seriously damaged his relationships with his siblings, in one case so badly that it has never recovered and seems like maybe it never will.
Which is not to say don't do it, but if you do:
A) be prepared for the possibility that the change you want may not happen, and what you plan to do in that case. Boycott your parents forever? Give up after a while?
B) Don't spring this on your brother, he's got enough crazy going on. Talk with him beforehand, let him know what you're thinking about, and let him know if you decide you need to do this it is not in any way his fault, and you will be available to him, whatever your relationship with your parents is. Mean that, and do it.
posted by Stacey at 3:39 AM on July 2, 2010
Paternity tests do not matter.
Genetics might make you a father, but they do not make you dad.
You father has spurned your brother's love -
at this point, whether he is the father or not, he will never be dad.
posted by Flood at 4:58 AM on July 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
Genetics might make you a father, but they do not make you dad.
You father has spurned your brother's love -
at this point, whether he is the father or not, he will never be dad.
posted by Flood at 4:58 AM on July 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
You can't force your dad to love your brother.
By all means, if you need to get away from a toxic relationship, distance yourself for your own protection. You can also let them know that you are so bothered by their treatment of your brother that you don't want to be around them. But there is not a whole lot you can do to force them to change. If your dad doesn't want to be a father to your brother, nothing external is likely to change that. And he'd have to be seriously determined deep in his heart of hearts to be able to build a healthy relationship from scratch with an adolescent boy who resents him (for good cause). Your question describes bad behavior on your dad's part, but doesn't address why you would want to cut off your mom as well. I'm guessing there is something else going on with her.
The best thing you can do is try to be a responsible, loving, adult in your brother's life. He needs that.
posted by Dojie at 4:58 AM on July 2, 2010
By all means, if you need to get away from a toxic relationship, distance yourself for your own protection. You can also let them know that you are so bothered by their treatment of your brother that you don't want to be around them. But there is not a whole lot you can do to force them to change. If your dad doesn't want to be a father to your brother, nothing external is likely to change that. And he'd have to be seriously determined deep in his heart of hearts to be able to build a healthy relationship from scratch with an adolescent boy who resents him (for good cause). Your question describes bad behavior on your dad's part, but doesn't address why you would want to cut off your mom as well. I'm guessing there is something else going on with her.
The best thing you can do is try to be a responsible, loving, adult in your brother's life. He needs that.
posted by Dojie at 4:58 AM on July 2, 2010
Be there for your brother, absolutely.
As for the rest: it sucks. It's toxic. Ultimately, it's not about you. If you choose to boycott either parent over it, you're inserting yourself into the drama that is about your mom, your dad, and your brother - not you. If you decide that YOU need to take a stand about it, you're making it worse and adding one extra person into the equation.
Do what you need to do to have a peaceful existence with your family. If you need to not talk to your dad for a while, say it's that his fightyness is toxic to you. DON'T make it about the paternity issue, which is not your issue. Same with your mom. If their fighting is the problem, leave it at that. Don't address the root cause of the fighting because you can't fix it and it's not about you. They're adults and they need to figure it out. Your role is to do what's best for you - if you can't stand their fighting, take a break, but it's not going to help anyone to make it about the paternity issue.
Absolutely be supportive to your brother knowing that this is an issue that he will probably want to talk to you about in the future, but beyond that, don't add yourself into the drama.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:15 AM on July 2, 2010
As for the rest: it sucks. It's toxic. Ultimately, it's not about you. If you choose to boycott either parent over it, you're inserting yourself into the drama that is about your mom, your dad, and your brother - not you. If you decide that YOU need to take a stand about it, you're making it worse and adding one extra person into the equation.
Do what you need to do to have a peaceful existence with your family. If you need to not talk to your dad for a while, say it's that his fightyness is toxic to you. DON'T make it about the paternity issue, which is not your issue. Same with your mom. If their fighting is the problem, leave it at that. Don't address the root cause of the fighting because you can't fix it and it's not about you. They're adults and they need to figure it out. Your role is to do what's best for you - if you can't stand their fighting, take a break, but it's not going to help anyone to make it about the paternity issue.
Absolutely be supportive to your brother knowing that this is an issue that he will probably want to talk to you about in the future, but beyond that, don't add yourself into the drama.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:15 AM on July 2, 2010
Your brother needs you.
I am all for eliminating negative people/situations where you have no effect on change. I divorced my father decades ago and am currently at arm's-length with my mother, all for my own sanity.
But, your brother.
You need to be his port in this storm. No, we can't choose family, and I'm sure he wishes he had a choice in his upbringing. But he has you as an influence, and it sounds like you may be the only positive member of this family.
So, for your own sake -- and the sake of your future self -- lay down the law with your parents, but don't let your young, innocent brother fall through the cracks. In 30 years you'll be glad you became his hero.
posted by kidelo at 6:19 AM on July 2, 2010
I am all for eliminating negative people/situations where you have no effect on change. I divorced my father decades ago and am currently at arm's-length with my mother, all for my own sanity.
But, your brother.
You need to be his port in this storm. No, we can't choose family, and I'm sure he wishes he had a choice in his upbringing. But he has you as an influence, and it sounds like you may be the only positive member of this family.
So, for your own sake -- and the sake of your future self -- lay down the law with your parents, but don't let your young, innocent brother fall through the cracks. In 30 years you'll be glad you became his hero.
posted by kidelo at 6:19 AM on July 2, 2010
Also: boycotting them won't inspire them to change. It will only give you a break from them and possibly piss them off because you're not talking to them. I've had to "take a break" from a parent and I know, it doesn't actually get it into their head that the whole thing was a response to their behavior. To them it just looks like you being pissed. Not the wake up call you're hoping for. "Oh, I guess we'd better fix this so anonymous talks to us again!" Yeah... not likely.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:20 AM on July 2, 2010
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:20 AM on July 2, 2010
I boycotted my parents house (not them, just their home) for two or three years after I got fed up with my father's racist talk in front of my young nephews. I clearly told him why and it worked, but it was a very risky strategy. My mom wasn't happy about it either and that helped a lot.
I'd stay connected in this case and be a role model for your brother. I'd also push really hard to get the paternity test done because that's the only thing likely to get your father to reconnect your brother. You want that to happen ASAP so they have a better chance and more time to rebuild their relationship while your brother is still young.
Also, stop expecting your parents to start acting rationally. At this point it's not likely to ever happen, no matter what the results of the paternity test.
posted by 14580 at 7:49 AM on July 2, 2010
I'd stay connected in this case and be a role model for your brother. I'd also push really hard to get the paternity test done because that's the only thing likely to get your father to reconnect your brother. You want that to happen ASAP so they have a better chance and more time to rebuild their relationship while your brother is still young.
Also, stop expecting your parents to start acting rationally. At this point it's not likely to ever happen, no matter what the results of the paternity test.
posted by 14580 at 7:49 AM on July 2, 2010
I'd also push really hard to get the paternity test done because that's the only thing likely to get your father to reconnect your brother
I totally disagree with this. If you start pushing hard for the paternity test, you're getting involved in something that I don't think you want to be, in order to get a certain result, which is totally unguaranteed to happen. And it's not your job to reconnect your dad to your brother; that's your dad's choice and it sounds like he doesn't want to be connected at all (which is very sad) and is doing whatever he can to prove he doesn't have to be. I'm sorry that this is happening to you and your brother.
You've probably already guessed, but your dad is doing this to get back at your mom, because of whatever anger and hurt feelings he has. It's a problem, he has to deal with it, this is how he's *choosing* to do so and it's completely unproductive and extremely hurtful. And your brother, who is completely innocent and doesn't deserve this, is at the centre at this. And really, it has nothing to do with him at all!
Pirate-Bartender has some really good advice. And yes, be there for your brother. You have no idea how much of an amazing impact that will have on him, even if you can't stop your parents from warring.
posted by foxjacket at 11:56 AM on July 2, 2010
I totally disagree with this. If you start pushing hard for the paternity test, you're getting involved in something that I don't think you want to be, in order to get a certain result, which is totally unguaranteed to happen. And it's not your job to reconnect your dad to your brother; that's your dad's choice and it sounds like he doesn't want to be connected at all (which is very sad) and is doing whatever he can to prove he doesn't have to be. I'm sorry that this is happening to you and your brother.
You've probably already guessed, but your dad is doing this to get back at your mom, because of whatever anger and hurt feelings he has. It's a problem, he has to deal with it, this is how he's *choosing* to do so and it's completely unproductive and extremely hurtful. And your brother, who is completely innocent and doesn't deserve this, is at the centre at this. And really, it has nothing to do with him at all!
Pirate-Bartender has some really good advice. And yes, be there for your brother. You have no idea how much of an amazing impact that will have on him, even if you can't stop your parents from warring.
posted by foxjacket at 11:56 AM on July 2, 2010
Here's another perspective: I have a biological father and a stepfather. I had about 2 years contact with my biological father in my 30's, I chose to stop contact maybe 3 years ago.
My mother and stepfather married when I was 16, living together since I was 12 or 13 (I'm now 42).
I call my parents... okay, that's interesting, the way I started that sentence. I call my mother and my stepfather 'my parents'. I call them silly pet names to their faces or when I speak about them to my kids, but to everyone else they're 'my parents'. Both of them. He earned the honorary title by being there when I was caught shoplifting as a kid, by worshipping my children when they were born (and ever since), and by being a loving caring constant supportive presence in my life. There've been times when he's been a better parent to me than my mother.
I don't know what sort of man your dad is, but I wonder if putting that perspective to him - directly or indirectly - might help change his thinking towards your brother. Perhaps he needs to learn to be an awesome non-bio-but-who-cares dad instead of worrying about being a bio-dad.
And the way you call your brother 'your brother' tells me that you are the best big brother this kid could have.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 1:56 AM on July 4, 2010
My mother and stepfather married when I was 16, living together since I was 12 or 13 (I'm now 42).
I call my parents... okay, that's interesting, the way I started that sentence. I call my mother and my stepfather 'my parents'. I call them silly pet names to their faces or when I speak about them to my kids, but to everyone else they're 'my parents'. Both of them. He earned the honorary title by being there when I was caught shoplifting as a kid, by worshipping my children when they were born (and ever since), and by being a loving caring constant supportive presence in my life. There've been times when he's been a better parent to me than my mother.
I don't know what sort of man your dad is, but I wonder if putting that perspective to him - directly or indirectly - might help change his thinking towards your brother. Perhaps he needs to learn to be an awesome non-bio-but-who-cares dad instead of worrying about being a bio-dad.
And the way you call your brother 'your brother' tells me that you are the best big brother this kid could have.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 1:56 AM on July 4, 2010
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posted by Neofelis at 8:36 PM on July 1, 2010 [12 favorites]