Friends and lovahs?
July 1, 2010 4:20 PM Subscribe
Transitioning from friends to something more—good idea? How to do it?
A friend and I recently went on a date. It went really, really well. I'm not sure what to think from here.
I met Friend through a mutual friend about three years ago. We hit it off and hung out quite a bit (late night food/drink runs, hikes, just general hanging around) but at the time, I didn't consider him a romantic prospect. About a month and a half after we met, our mutual friend and I were talking and he mentions that Friend's girlfriend was moving out the next week to be with Friend. Um, girlfriend? The next time I talked to Friend, I called him out on never mentioning a gf, despite my questions about his family, friends, and life back east when we were getting to know each other. He also never used couple-y words like "we" or "us" that a lot of ppl with SOs always somehow slip in. He got really defensive and told me that it never came up and by the time he thought he should mention something, he felt it would be weird and awkward, as though his mentioning it would presume I was trying to get into his pants. A short while after, I was telling this story to a friend who immediately told me, "you have a crush on that guy," which I immediately denied but then realized that was probably true.
After his gf moved out here and in with him, and Friend and I remained friends, but never hung out again, though we would chat online often, or talk when we ran into each other at social functions (I met and do like his gf). About a year into it, Friend confessed to being really attracted to me and started getting really flirty. Interspersed with the flirtation, we'd chat about his relationship: mainly that he loved his gf, that she was a good person, but wasn't happy in the relationship. He had a lot of concerns about her age (she was very early 20s while he was heading into his 30s), about significant compatibility issues, and how he'd felt pressured into moving in with her (they had started dating not long after he'd gotten his job offer out here and didn't want to break up with her but she had demanded they then move in together if she was going to follow him out). We also talked about my relationships/dating life among other things.
Fast forward to last week. I hadn't talked to him for several months (nor seen him in about a year) but randomly asked him a computer question and we started catching up with our lives. He tells me that he'd finally broke up with his gf about a month and a half ago. We begin to chat daily and then agree that we should "hang out." We end up going for drinks last Saturday. I wasn't sure it was a date, but he paid. And then we ended up making out for awhile before he tells me he has to go before he tries to sleep with me, but that he had a really fun time. The next day, we text and he tells me again that he had a great time. We've chatted at least once a day since then, with both of us initiating the chats.
In the past week since we started talking again, Friend and I discover we more similarities about each other, including our relationships and issues with our families, our careers, our outlook on relationships and partners, we're both really straight shooters to the point of being blunt, etc, blah blah blah. He tells me that even tho he has been here for 3.5 years, he feels like he is discovering our town for the first time and that he is just starting to wake up and discover himself again, after being uncomfortable in his relationship for so long. He says that he wanted to break up awhile ago but that his girlfriend's father was dying and he just couldn't put her through that as well. He also says that he goes from one minute wanting to date every girl he can and in the next half second, wants to avoid all girls. Typical post-relationship break-up feelings. So obviously he's not ready for another relationship just yet though he tells me that he does eventually want to be in one.
As for me, I recently have fully recovered from a depressive bout of a couple years followed by about another couple dealing with dysthymia (low-grade but persistent depression). I am also currently unemployed (and have been for awhile) despite being universally acknowledged as being very good in my field so it's been incredibly hard and frustrating, as well as financially precarious but I finally feel myself again and have been super happy with my life and it's been awesome, and I have fears that pursuing a relationship will kind of fuck that up right now, so I've been disinterested.
But. Obviously, I like Friend. And it seems like he likes me (?). I have never dated anyone whom I have known for a long time prior to dating, or dated someone who's been a friend. I'm not sure how to proceed. This is a guy who's heard me whine, dissect, and wax on about my dating life for years and has talked me through a lot of it and been sensitive when I've needed it. And because it never occurred to me that he would break up with his gf, he knows me completely unfiltered. But now, I can't talk to him about this because it seems like the dynamic has shifted? I mean, this is a date that was three years in the making and now that we finally are both in a place to pursue something, we are also both in a place where we really don't want to be in a relationship. Just yet. Maybe. Meanwhile, my friends have been giving me the third degree about him and what I want from him and EVERYTHING and it's stressing me out a bit because I just can't/don't want to deal with more than this right now.
I really like my friendship with him a lot and don't want to ruin it. I also worry that in the end, he won't want to pursue something with me after all (I know that he also kissed someone else a few weeks ago but didn't want to pursue anything further with the girl. I also know that he's flirted with other girls while in his relationship but he says not to the degree that he's done with me). I also, like a crazy person, question whether he really does in fact like me as I think he does or if I am just making this up in my head? Should I wait for him to suggest another date or should I do it? Advice from ppl who have been through similar friends to lovers experiences would be helpful! Is it even a good idea for me to move forward (albeit slooooowly) with this?
A friend and I recently went on a date. It went really, really well. I'm not sure what to think from here.
I met Friend through a mutual friend about three years ago. We hit it off and hung out quite a bit (late night food/drink runs, hikes, just general hanging around) but at the time, I didn't consider him a romantic prospect. About a month and a half after we met, our mutual friend and I were talking and he mentions that Friend's girlfriend was moving out the next week to be with Friend. Um, girlfriend? The next time I talked to Friend, I called him out on never mentioning a gf, despite my questions about his family, friends, and life back east when we were getting to know each other. He also never used couple-y words like "we" or "us" that a lot of ppl with SOs always somehow slip in. He got really defensive and told me that it never came up and by the time he thought he should mention something, he felt it would be weird and awkward, as though his mentioning it would presume I was trying to get into his pants. A short while after, I was telling this story to a friend who immediately told me, "you have a crush on that guy," which I immediately denied but then realized that was probably true.
After his gf moved out here and in with him, and Friend and I remained friends, but never hung out again, though we would chat online often, or talk when we ran into each other at social functions (I met and do like his gf). About a year into it, Friend confessed to being really attracted to me and started getting really flirty. Interspersed with the flirtation, we'd chat about his relationship: mainly that he loved his gf, that she was a good person, but wasn't happy in the relationship. He had a lot of concerns about her age (she was very early 20s while he was heading into his 30s), about significant compatibility issues, and how he'd felt pressured into moving in with her (they had started dating not long after he'd gotten his job offer out here and didn't want to break up with her but she had demanded they then move in together if she was going to follow him out). We also talked about my relationships/dating life among other things.
Fast forward to last week. I hadn't talked to him for several months (nor seen him in about a year) but randomly asked him a computer question and we started catching up with our lives. He tells me that he'd finally broke up with his gf about a month and a half ago. We begin to chat daily and then agree that we should "hang out." We end up going for drinks last Saturday. I wasn't sure it was a date, but he paid. And then we ended up making out for awhile before he tells me he has to go before he tries to sleep with me, but that he had a really fun time. The next day, we text and he tells me again that he had a great time. We've chatted at least once a day since then, with both of us initiating the chats.
In the past week since we started talking again, Friend and I discover we more similarities about each other, including our relationships and issues with our families, our careers, our outlook on relationships and partners, we're both really straight shooters to the point of being blunt, etc, blah blah blah. He tells me that even tho he has been here for 3.5 years, he feels like he is discovering our town for the first time and that he is just starting to wake up and discover himself again, after being uncomfortable in his relationship for so long. He says that he wanted to break up awhile ago but that his girlfriend's father was dying and he just couldn't put her through that as well. He also says that he goes from one minute wanting to date every girl he can and in the next half second, wants to avoid all girls. Typical post-relationship break-up feelings. So obviously he's not ready for another relationship just yet though he tells me that he does eventually want to be in one.
As for me, I recently have fully recovered from a depressive bout of a couple years followed by about another couple dealing with dysthymia (low-grade but persistent depression). I am also currently unemployed (and have been for awhile) despite being universally acknowledged as being very good in my field so it's been incredibly hard and frustrating, as well as financially precarious but I finally feel myself again and have been super happy with my life and it's been awesome, and I have fears that pursuing a relationship will kind of fuck that up right now, so I've been disinterested.
But. Obviously, I like Friend. And it seems like he likes me (?). I have never dated anyone whom I have known for a long time prior to dating, or dated someone who's been a friend. I'm not sure how to proceed. This is a guy who's heard me whine, dissect, and wax on about my dating life for years and has talked me through a lot of it and been sensitive when I've needed it. And because it never occurred to me that he would break up with his gf, he knows me completely unfiltered. But now, I can't talk to him about this because it seems like the dynamic has shifted? I mean, this is a date that was three years in the making and now that we finally are both in a place to pursue something, we are also both in a place where we really don't want to be in a relationship. Just yet. Maybe. Meanwhile, my friends have been giving me the third degree about him and what I want from him and EVERYTHING and it's stressing me out a bit because I just can't/don't want to deal with more than this right now.
I really like my friendship with him a lot and don't want to ruin it. I also worry that in the end, he won't want to pursue something with me after all (I know that he also kissed someone else a few weeks ago but didn't want to pursue anything further with the girl. I also know that he's flirted with other girls while in his relationship but he says not to the degree that he's done with me). I also, like a crazy person, question whether he really does in fact like me as I think he does or if I am just making this up in my head? Should I wait for him to suggest another date or should I do it? Advice from ppl who have been through similar friends to lovers experiences would be helpful! Is it even a good idea for me to move forward (albeit slooooowly) with this?
Sounds like a good time for a conversation about 1) what am I (each of you) ready for and not ready for yet; and 2) what do we do about this friendship that means a lot to each of us [and maybe makes it feel like entering a relationship risks putting that on the table].
Mrs. TT and I had been many-year friends (decades - more than 3!) when we came to such a turning point. In the conversation about 2), we agreed we'd put the friendship first, even to the extent that we would back off of a relationship if it ever looked like it would take that to not lose each other as friends. That was 7 years ago; 3 years ago she married me!
I'd say go for it, "with all deliberate speed." Spend a few conversations and a bunch of reflection time on whatever you feel you need to agree on and to know about yourselves and each other. Then, each make your decision, and, [I hope for you!], go forward. With all deliberate speed!
posted by TruncatedTiller at 5:07 PM on July 1, 2010
Mrs. TT and I had been many-year friends (decades - more than 3!) when we came to such a turning point. In the conversation about 2), we agreed we'd put the friendship first, even to the extent that we would back off of a relationship if it ever looked like it would take that to not lose each other as friends. That was 7 years ago; 3 years ago she married me!
I'd say go for it, "with all deliberate speed." Spend a few conversations and a bunch of reflection time on whatever you feel you need to agree on and to know about yourselves and each other. Then, each make your decision, and, [I hope for you!], go forward. With all deliberate speed!
posted by TruncatedTiller at 5:07 PM on July 1, 2010
I can only speak from my personal experience. You know the saying or whatever it is that "marriage will/can ruin a beautiful relationship"? Well, a relationship can ruin a beautiful friendship.
I didn't say "will ruin" for everyone, but it did, eventually, for me.
posted by jgirl at 6:54 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I didn't say "will ruin" for everyone, but it did, eventually, for me.
posted by jgirl at 6:54 PM on July 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Stop overthinking!!!! The idea that "rebounds" are always bad is just a copout used by people who don't want to be in a relationship with a particular person at a particular time. Love doesn't have schedules. Just go out with him and see what happens.
I disagree with Pink about the "pursuing other girls" thing though-- it sounds like he's a person who gets really attached and doesn't want to hurt other people's feelings, not like a cheater. After all, nothing actually happened with you when he was with this other person or, it seems, with anyone else more than flirting. But go slow, yeah, and try to enjoy it!
posted by Maias at 7:30 PM on July 1, 2010
I disagree with Pink about the "pursuing other girls" thing though-- it sounds like he's a person who gets really attached and doesn't want to hurt other people's feelings, not like a cheater. After all, nothing actually happened with you when he was with this other person or, it seems, with anyone else more than flirting. But go slow, yeah, and try to enjoy it!
posted by Maias at 7:30 PM on July 1, 2010
I have gone from friends to more and in some cases back again. None of them really involved the whole just out of a relationship dynamic though, and I feel like that's the bigger problem.
If he's still wavering between wanting to kiss everything that moves and shunning all girls, he might not be ready for dating!
I think for now you might want to say to him, "Friend, I really like you as a friend and I might want to see if there could be more, but this seems like a bad time for something more. Why don't we just hang out and be friends for now?" Put the 'something more' on the back-burner, hang out, and see what happens.
Oh, and tell your friends they are stressing you out and to back the fuck off.
posted by grapesaresour at 7:39 PM on July 1, 2010
If he's still wavering between wanting to kiss everything that moves and shunning all girls, he might not be ready for dating!
I think for now you might want to say to him, "Friend, I really like you as a friend and I might want to see if there could be more, but this seems like a bad time for something more. Why don't we just hang out and be friends for now?" Put the 'something more' on the back-burner, hang out, and see what happens.
Oh, and tell your friends they are stressing you out and to back the fuck off.
posted by grapesaresour at 7:39 PM on July 1, 2010
I'd echo jgirl above; however I'd append that while you could indeed ruin your present friendship with Friend, this needn't mean you cannot have a different friendship with him, regardless. As in, "you go for it, it doesn't work, eek awkward, dot-dot-dot" doesn't have to be The End. It sounds like you have a genuine connection on both sides. This could be much worse if one of you was really head-over-heels and one of you had no idea any of this was going on. You seem to both be on the same page, even sharing the same slight ambivalence / caution. I think you're really lucky to be in this position with someone you already know how to communicate with. Don't stop doing that!
FWIW I'm gay, but the your situation as outlined above has happened to me twice, one was with a woman I'd known since school. The friendship in both cases basically ended, in one it sort of limped on with us both pretending nothing had ever happened between us (it eventually got better though we aren't in contact anymore). In the other, we actually broke friends fully but got back in contact and the friendship is a new one, between people who've changed and grown etc., but it is not an inferior friendship, just different to the one we originally had.
All of this is not to say it will end badly or even end at all -- don't jump into it (you don't seem to be) and keep the level of communication you're used to having together and it could very well work. Seriously, good luck.
posted by blue funk at 9:17 PM on July 2, 2010
FWIW I'm gay, but the your situation as outlined above has happened to me twice, one was with a woman I'd known since school. The friendship in both cases basically ended, in one it sort of limped on with us both pretending nothing had ever happened between us (it eventually got better though we aren't in contact anymore). In the other, we actually broke friends fully but got back in contact and the friendship is a new one, between people who've changed and grown etc., but it is not an inferior friendship, just different to the one we originally had.
All of this is not to say it will end badly or even end at all -- don't jump into it (you don't seem to be) and keep the level of communication you're used to having together and it could very well work. Seriously, good luck.
posted by blue funk at 9:17 PM on July 2, 2010
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posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:59 PM on July 1, 2010