Guy and his two pseudo-friendships
June 24, 2010 10:45 AM Subscribe
Another relationship question...
Guy literally follows me home, showers me with attention, talks about me non-stop to all his friends/roommates, asks me to hang out with sortof mutual friends, hopes I'm at parties of mutual friends, then goes on 650 mile roadtrip with another guy to see female friend for a week after telling me he doesn't like her romantically. We've spoken twice since he left, and both times it's been about her/their pseudo-friendship.
Before he left I brought the girl up, and he says very solemnly, no I don't like her.
I say it's kinda crazy to drive over 600 miles to see someone you don't like.
He says Oh, I like her. That's why we're friends. But you were asking whether or not I liked her romantically, which I do not.
I reply I didn't ask that.
He replies immediately I am so hunnnnngery
I don't know what to think or feel but my lack of knowing is annoying
Guy literally follows me home, showers me with attention, talks about me non-stop to all his friends/roommates, asks me to hang out with sortof mutual friends, hopes I'm at parties of mutual friends, then goes on 650 mile roadtrip with another guy to see female friend for a week after telling me he doesn't like her romantically. We've spoken twice since he left, and both times it's been about her/their pseudo-friendship.
Before he left I brought the girl up, and he says very solemnly, no I don't like her.
I say it's kinda crazy to drive over 600 miles to see someone you don't like.
He says Oh, I like her. That's why we're friends. But you were asking whether or not I liked her romantically, which I do not.
I reply I didn't ask that.
He replies immediately I am so hunnnnngery
I don't know what to think or feel but my lack of knowing is annoying
This post was deleted for the following reason: there's no real question here. -- mathowie
What?
No, seriously, what?
Is there a specific question here, say about him or you or the relationship or your feelings?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:50 AM on June 24, 2010 [8 favorites]
No, seriously, what?
Is there a specific question here, say about him or you or the relationship or your feelings?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:50 AM on June 24, 2010 [8 favorites]
He's friends with her. He told you he doesn't like her romantically before you asked that specific question because he could tell that's what you were getting at. You need to calm down and take his word for it; grown-ups have friends of the opposite sex sometimes. It's not like he's going alone to see her.
posted by amro at 10:51 AM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by amro at 10:51 AM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
Doesn't seem too complex to me. He's friends with her, not interested in her romantically. He likes her. He likes, likes you.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 10:51 AM on June 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by Solon and Thanks at 10:51 AM on June 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
I reply I didn't ask that.
Plus that's ridiculous. You were obviously worried that he liked her romantically, why did you pretend you meant "are you friends with her?" Obviously he is.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 10:53 AM on June 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
Plus that's ridiculous. You were obviously worried that he liked her romantically, why did you pretend you meant "are you friends with her?" Obviously he is.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 10:53 AM on June 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
I see that your last three tags are, in this order:
wtf
men
liars
You've already decided he's a liar. I'm pretty sure that no matter we say, you're going to continue to think of him as a liar.
Seems to me he has a crush on you. Also, he's going on a road trip with one friend to see another friend. Isn't it possible that he's just going on a fun trip involving two friends, and one of them happens to be female?
Anyway, I don't know what the nature of your relationship is with him. If you're not in a relationship, he doesn't owe you anything just because he seems quite fond of you.
posted by Jaltcoh at 10:54 AM on June 24, 2010 [6 favorites]
wtf
men
liars
You've already decided he's a liar. I'm pretty sure that no matter we say, you're going to continue to think of him as a liar.
Seems to me he has a crush on you. Also, he's going on a road trip with one friend to see another friend. Isn't it possible that he's just going on a fun trip involving two friends, and one of them happens to be female?
Anyway, I don't know what the nature of your relationship is with him. If you're not in a relationship, he doesn't owe you anything just because he seems quite fond of you.
posted by Jaltcoh at 10:54 AM on June 24, 2010 [6 favorites]
Why are you playing word games with the poor guy?
If he changed the subject; it's because you made it an awkward situation. He's not a mind reader and he assumed you meant romantically because he's romantically interested in you.
Guys also don't think like women anyways. Maybe he thought the matter was closed.
You need to communicate more. Tell him that your lack of knowledge about this girl is frustrating for you. Your first act should be not to post here.. but speak openly and frank with the guy.
posted by royalsong at 10:54 AM on June 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
If he changed the subject; it's because you made it an awkward situation. He's not a mind reader and he assumed you meant romantically because he's romantically interested in you.
Guys also don't think like women anyways. Maybe he thought the matter was closed.
You need to communicate more. Tell him that your lack of knowledge about this girl is frustrating for you. Your first act should be not to post here.. but speak openly and frank with the guy.
posted by royalsong at 10:54 AM on June 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
Sometimes people - even when they're interested in someone, even when they're very much interested in someone else - have friends. Either you wanted to know if they're friends (and obviously they are) or you wanted to know if he likes her romantically. When asked by an SO/crush if they like someone else, almost every reasonable person in the universe will assume that they're being asked if they like the other person romantically.
It sounds like you need to ask him more specifically whatever it is your question is.
posted by punchtothehead at 10:56 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you need to ask him more specifically whatever it is your question is.
posted by punchtothehead at 10:56 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Either you are being played, or you are not being played.
If you are not being played, that's good.
If you are being played, you will have no way of knowing it, because you're being played, and he's not going to admit to it.
Having said that: The fact that he went with another guy on this roadtrip means it is more likely that you are not being played. But only you can decide whether or not you trust him. This sounds like a conversation you need to have with him in person, and then trust your instincts. One way or the other, you'll both be better off.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:57 AM on June 24, 2010
If you are not being played, that's good.
If you are being played, you will have no way of knowing it, because you're being played, and he's not going to admit to it.
Having said that: The fact that he went with another guy on this roadtrip means it is more likely that you are not being played. But only you can decide whether or not you trust him. This sounds like a conversation you need to have with him in person, and then trust your instincts. One way or the other, you'll both be better off.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:57 AM on June 24, 2010
I say it's kinda crazy to drive over 600 miles to see someone you don't [romantically] like.
Not in the slightest, roadtrips can be loads of fun, and so can seeing friends who live on the other side of the country.
posted by ellieBOA at 11:01 AM on June 24, 2010 [6 favorites]
Not in the slightest, roadtrips can be loads of fun, and so can seeing friends who live on the other side of the country.
posted by ellieBOA at 11:01 AM on June 24, 2010 [6 favorites]
Are you interested in him? Sounds like you are, and your jealousy is driving you a teensy bit bonkers. If you are, ask him out, and see where it goes.
If you're not interested, and don't want to date him, and are simply jealous for lack of attention, drop the whole thing.
posted by rachaelfaith at 11:02 AM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
If you're not interested, and don't want to date him, and are simply jealous for lack of attention, drop the whole thing.
posted by rachaelfaith at 11:02 AM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: A friend of mine fell for a guy who made extreme overtures like the ones this guy's making. She found out shortly after their wedding that he was cheating on her and that he'd gone many thousands into debt in order to pay for the overtures that seduced her in the first place (debt which, as his wife, she was now responsible).
Some guys are addicted to romantic fantasies and conquest. If you think there's something hinky about this, there probably is.
posted by hermitosis at 11:04 AM on June 24, 2010
Some guys are addicted to romantic fantasies and conquest. If you think there's something hinky about this, there probably is.
posted by hermitosis at 11:04 AM on June 24, 2010
Stop it. He likes you romantically; he likes the other girl as a friend. It's possible, yes.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 11:04 AM on June 24, 2010
posted by otherwordlyglow at 11:04 AM on June 24, 2010
I say it's kinda crazy to drive over 600 miles to see someone you don't [romantically] like.
There's a restaurant in Santa Fe (Maria's!), 2,000 miles from where I live, that I would seriously consider a road trip for, simply because I think the food is that awesome.
That's a restaurant that just happens to have great food and an epic Tequila list. I don't even know a soul who lives in Santa Fe any more.
For a friend? Definitely. Without a doubt.
Road trips are awesome.
posted by swngnmonk at 11:04 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
There's a restaurant in Santa Fe (Maria's!), 2,000 miles from where I live, that I would seriously consider a road trip for, simply because I think the food is that awesome.
That's a restaurant that just happens to have great food and an epic Tequila list. I don't even know a soul who lives in Santa Fe any more.
For a friend? Definitely. Without a doubt.
Road trips are awesome.
posted by swngnmonk at 11:04 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yeah... even if he's playing games here (and it's not at all clear from your question that he is), he's not the only one.
You don't seem to know him very well yet, and it sounds like he's taken most of the initiative in your friendship / acquaintance. You've only mentioned that he has made it very clear that he likes you, not that you like him or there's any sort of relationship here. I don't think you have any grounds to be jealous or to judge.
posted by mondaygreens at 11:08 AM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
You don't seem to know him very well yet, and it sounds like he's taken most of the initiative in your friendship / acquaintance. You've only mentioned that he has made it very clear that he likes you, not that you like him or there's any sort of relationship here. I don't think you have any grounds to be jealous or to judge.
posted by mondaygreens at 11:08 AM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
then goes on 650 mile roadtrip with another guy
If he were making a 650 mile booty call, why would he bring another guy along?
posted by ook at 11:16 AM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
If he were making a 650 mile booty call, why would he bring another guy along?
posted by ook at 11:16 AM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
Why are you so insecure about your lovers' friendships with other women, and sop misandric (Tags; hate wtf men liars)? That is a perhaps a more useful question.
But we can't answer it.
posted by IAmBroom at 11:21 AM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
But we can't answer it.
posted by IAmBroom at 11:21 AM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
So a guy you like likes you and he's going on a road trip with a friend to meet another friend and that makes you mad and distrustful? Stop being a possessive loon.
posted by WeekendJen at 11:21 AM on June 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by WeekendJen at 11:21 AM on June 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
This isn't really a question and your tags are off-putting to say the least. If you want good answers, it usually helps to put more thought into writing your AskMetafilter posts.
For future reference, here are the guidelines.
posted by ripley_ at 11:33 AM on June 24, 2010
For future reference, here are the guidelines.
posted by ripley_ at 11:33 AM on June 24, 2010
Response by poster: I marked herm's answer as best because, well, she basically said the truth. And her truth was more relevant than what anyone else is saying.
The majority of men on here that answered are subtly telling me to give this guy's wandering, confused dick a break.
Except his confused dick means a woman's confused mind, and I don't like being confused. My question is "what do I do if I want him all to myself." I feel like I'm caught in the middle of something that a man made to trap me.
Men and women can never be fully 100% platonic. Something is sexual/tense about their relationship at all times.
Thanks for all the answers, ya'll.
posted by flammable at 11:42 AM on June 24, 2010
The majority of men on here that answered are subtly telling me to give this guy's wandering, confused dick a break.
Except his confused dick means a woman's confused mind, and I don't like being confused. My question is "what do I do if I want him all to myself." I feel like I'm caught in the middle of something that a man made to trap me.
Men and women can never be fully 100% platonic. Something is sexual/tense about their relationship at all times.
Thanks for all the answers, ya'll.
posted by flammable at 11:42 AM on June 24, 2010
My question is "what do I do if I want him all to myself."
Basement dungeon?
posted by nicwolff at 11:47 AM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
Basement dungeon?
posted by nicwolff at 11:47 AM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
I don't think anyone suggested this guy's dick was wandering or confused. You might be confused and that's unfortunate but I don't get the impression that he is.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 11:47 AM on June 24, 2010
posted by otherwordlyglow at 11:47 AM on June 24, 2010
1. hermitosis is a guy
2. This was a terrible terrible terrible question that did not include an actual question. If you don't think guys and girls can ever be 'just friends' then tell the poor dude that's what you meant, tell him you can't stand being around someone who has friends that have boobs, and let him find someone not creepy and crazy.
3. I'm a girl. Almost every friend I have is a guy. You're wrong.
posted by jacalata at 11:48 AM on June 24, 2010 [10 favorites]
2. This was a terrible terrible terrible question that did not include an actual question. If you don't think guys and girls can ever be 'just friends' then tell the poor dude that's what you meant, tell him you can't stand being around someone who has friends that have boobs, and let him find someone not creepy and crazy.
3. I'm a girl. Almost every friend I have is a guy. You're wrong.
posted by jacalata at 11:48 AM on June 24, 2010 [10 favorites]
Yeah, this "question"is both offensive and nonsensical to me. It doesn't even follow the guidelines, I don't think. Please check them out. I saw that this was your first time EVER participating in MetaFilter (aside from lurking, I guess), so perhaps you didn't know. Specific questions are helpful. And marked "resolved" after an hour... This makes it seem like you were looking more for silly validation (which you BARELY got from one person) and didn't have a legit question at all.
(Of course, feel free to remove this comment, mods)
posted by Lizsterr at 11:50 AM on June 24, 2010
(Of course, feel free to remove this comment, mods)
posted by Lizsterr at 11:50 AM on June 24, 2010
I'm a girl, and I think that you're either: a) posting here because you're seeking justification and/or support of your (probably unfounded) suspicions that this guy you have no committed relationship with is "cheating" on you; b) leaving a lot of details out that would give a better picture of the actual situation; or c) a little bit of both.
posted by scarykarrey at 11:52 AM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by scarykarrey at 11:52 AM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
i feel like saying that relationships are a whole mess of unknowables...especially in the beginning stages. you have know way of knowing for sure what anyone is feeling at any given time, and just because someone expresses that they like you and shows some interest, it doesn't mean that they are promising not to have feelings for anyone else, nor are they promising exclusivity, nor are they promising that their ideas about affection are going to be anything similar to yours.
that said, what can you know and what do you know about this situation? that he's interested in who you are and where you are going to be. according to him, he just went to visit a friend. according to the info that you gave us above, that's about all you have to go on right now. it sounds really promising! i personally don't think that the other girl has anything at all to do with you and him, especially if she lives 650 miles away. and, even if she does have something to do with him, since you and this guy aren't really dating and haven't made any agreements between the two of you, you have no way of knowing how ANY of this is going to pan out for any of the parties involved. it would be nice if relationships had a map and a very strict set of rules and a guaranteed endpoint, but they don't and that's part of the fun and the mystery and the glorious weirdness of finding someone to like. getting angry about this road trip right in the beginning of things is kind of premature. people don't own each other, even when they are married. emotions can't be controlled.
as far as talking to him about it, it sounds like you asked him twice and both times he said that he doesn't like her romantically, and if you want to go out with him and kiss him and have a good time, i personally would then let this other situation go and focus on what's right in front of you. what's right in front of you is an opportunity, nothing more.
with love.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 11:54 AM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
that said, what can you know and what do you know about this situation? that he's interested in who you are and where you are going to be. according to him, he just went to visit a friend. according to the info that you gave us above, that's about all you have to go on right now. it sounds really promising! i personally don't think that the other girl has anything at all to do with you and him, especially if she lives 650 miles away. and, even if she does have something to do with him, since you and this guy aren't really dating and haven't made any agreements between the two of you, you have no way of knowing how ANY of this is going to pan out for any of the parties involved. it would be nice if relationships had a map and a very strict set of rules and a guaranteed endpoint, but they don't and that's part of the fun and the mystery and the glorious weirdness of finding someone to like. getting angry about this road trip right in the beginning of things is kind of premature. people don't own each other, even when they are married. emotions can't be controlled.
as far as talking to him about it, it sounds like you asked him twice and both times he said that he doesn't like her romantically, and if you want to go out with him and kiss him and have a good time, i personally would then let this other situation go and focus on what's right in front of you. what's right in front of you is an opportunity, nothing more.
with love.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 11:54 AM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Why can't the reason for the road trip be that the other guy likes that girl?
posted by rhizome at 11:54 AM on June 24, 2010
posted by rhizome at 11:54 AM on June 24, 2010
I think some of your views are a bit absolute, but regardless, they clearly differ from those of your boyfriend.
At each extreme, there are two scenarios:
1. He's being truthful, and has a good platonic female friend.
2. He's being deceitful, and is on a 650 mile booty call.
If it's the latter, as you seem to believe, then you're doding a bullet.
If it's the former, which you don't seem to be willing to allow, he's dodging a bullet.
But either way, one of you is dodging a bullet. Perhaps you guys just aren't right for each other?
posted by SemiSophos at 11:55 AM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
At each extreme, there are two scenarios:
1. He's being truthful, and has a good platonic female friend.
2. He's being deceitful, and is on a 650 mile booty call.
If it's the latter, as you seem to believe, then you're doding a bullet.
If it's the former, which you don't seem to be willing to allow, he's dodging a bullet.
But either way, one of you is dodging a bullet. Perhaps you guys just aren't right for each other?
posted by SemiSophos at 11:55 AM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
The majority of men on here that answered are subtly telling me to give this guy's wandering, confused dick a break.
No one is saying that.
Everything about your post, your tags, and your follow-up comment suggests you have a strong desire to put down "men" with a broad brush. And so you interpret his ambiguous behavior in the worst way possible. This is not a good formula for healthy relationships.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:55 AM on June 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
No one is saying that.
Everything about your post, your tags, and your follow-up comment suggests you have a strong desire to put down "men" with a broad brush. And so you interpret his ambiguous behavior in the worst way possible. This is not a good formula for healthy relationships.
posted by Jaltcoh at 11:55 AM on June 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
It sounds to me like you have serious issues with the opposite sex in general and maybe you should work on those issues before you begin a relationship with someone of the opposite sex.
posted by anoirmarie at 11:57 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by anoirmarie at 11:57 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm a girl, and a totally platonic male friend just came on a roadtrip from California (to DC) to see me. We did not hook up (nor have we ever). I also live with three guys, all of whom are totally platonic friends. It really sucks when my friends have people in their lives who question our friendship; that's really invalidating and presumptuous. Their girlfriends often end up being my friends as well. I would feel very confused and pissed if someone assumed our friendship was based on hooking up.
posted by quadrilaterals at 11:58 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by quadrilaterals at 11:58 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Rubbstone at 10:47 AM on June 24, 2010