How can I stop the fear?

June 24, 2010 6:52 AM

How to you keep your cool when there is a chance that you might die?

I did my research. This comes close, but not quite.
--
A few weeks ago, I was flying and we hit some turbulence. I fly quite often and have no fear of flying, but this was something different. The flight attendants had to discontinue the meal service because the turbulence was so bad.
I felt my heart racing and I could feel the drops of sweat running down my forearm. Forearm! I hate to admit but I was scared shitless. It was a feeling of pure terror. I hated it! If I am about to die, I don't want to spend my last seconds feeling that bad!

How can I prevent this feeling from coming back? This also has the possibility debilitating me when I want to channel my resources to keeping alive, not pissing my pants. Help!

posted by kuju to human relations (45 answers total)

Wow. I must have been real scared. The title is "How to keep your cool when there is a chance you might die?".
Sorry.
posted by kuju at 6:54 AM on June 24, 2010

Part of the psychological terror that you experience in these kinds of situations is triggered by your physiological responses - the racing heart and sweaty palms. If you can reduce those physiological responses, it will help reduce the terror you feel.

So, first, a pharmaceutical suggestion: beta blockers, which can reduce those physiological responses.

Second, a non-pharmaceutical suggestion: deep breathing. Sounds small, but it can work for the same reason: it reduces the severity of the physiological responses. If you are in a similar situation, concentrating on keeping your breathing slow and regular will give you something alternative to think about as well as calming you down. It won't make it all go away, but it can help.
posted by googly at 7:00 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

This also has the possibility debilitating me when I want to channel my resources to keeping alive, not pissing my pants.

Usually I have found when I'm in danger if there's something to be done I am so focused on that and on its overwhelming necessity, and things happen so fast, that I have no time to be afraid. In a situation like a plane crash, there's not a hell of lot you can do to save your own life or anyone else's, so the fear might take over. But whenever I've been on a turbulent flight I usually just remind myself that everyone dies sooner or later and if my number should be up because the plane is going to crash, at least it'll be quick. But then I'm probably less attached to my own life than most people, so that may not comfort you as it does me.
posted by orange swan at 7:03 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think there's a difference between situations in which you think you can do something, and situations where you can't. Where there is something to do, then you get down and do it, and focus entirely on what you're doing (I'm basing this on some scary first aid situations I've been in - giving aid rather than receiving), so all that fear is channeled into activity. There's a first rush of terror, then into action and it's only afterwards that the forearm-sweat and legs so wobbly you can't stand up kick in.

The last time I was in a might-die and helpless situation I was a child and was basically just scared, so I'm not sure how I'd deal with it now.
posted by Coobeastie at 7:04 AM on June 24, 2010

Being afraid of dying is kinda pointless, 'cause we're all going to do it one day. We don't know how we're going to go or when, so worrying about it doesn't do much good. Live, while you can, 'cause one day death will come calling.

The suggestion about breathing is a good one. Taking a yoga class could help you learn breathing techniques.

But really, don't fear death.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:06 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

There do exist some strategies for alleviating the fear of death. The most popular is to embrace some religion that teaches you that death is not the end of your existence but rather is the beginning of some glorious afterlife (or if you are a Hindu, some possibly less than glorious reincarnation). Of course, if you find the idea of an afterlife implausible (as I do) then this is not going to help you. The next most popular remedy is to dull your awareness with alcohol or other drugs. This is not a useful strategy when an emergency arrives suddenly, as it did on the plane. It is not practical to ask the flight attendant to bring you a dozen drinks, while the plane is experiencing severe turbulence. Nor can you carry a bottle of gin in your carry-on luggage, for emergencies. In any event you did say that you wanted to be able to channel your resources into staying alive, so getting drunk would be counter-productive even though you would feel less fear.

It is perfectly normal to fear death. That is the way human minds work. It seems to be instinctive in some way. Even people who are very unhappy with their lives usually fear death. People who seemingly have nothing to lose, still want to remain alive. I do think that it is possible to achieve some detachment from your own fear. This seems to be done by mentally focusing on your objective (which depends upon the specific situation that you are in). Of course, in the situation that you describe, of the turbulent flight, there wasn't anything for you to do anyway. It would be very unusual for a passenger on a plane to have any influence on the way the plane flies or whether it completes its flight safely. In such a situation the best you could do is to bear in mind that most plane flights do land successfully; the statistics are good. If we calculate per mile travelled, planes are safer than cars.

A certain amount of fear is unavoidable, it is part of our lot in life, here on planet Earth. It's just one of those things that we have to accept because we have no choice.
posted by grizzled at 7:09 AM on June 24, 2010

I'm not sure where (or if) I learned it, but when I get in sticky situations I can simply stop the emotional flow and revert to an almost machine-like mentality. I think part of it is that I've always been more of a rational person and compartmentalizing emotion has just been part of my personality since as long as I can remember.

I told this story awhile ago here, maybe it can shed some light on my thought process.

As far as your situation (if you need to deal with something similar in the future), turbulence is unpleasant but not terribly unsafe. There are very isolated episodes of severe turbulence causing minor structural damage to airliners and occasionally broken ankles/legs or concussions from people (especially flight attendants trying to secure the cabin) who are not seated. Discontinuing the meal service would be a sensible thing to do to prevent lots of very mobile debris (food trays and such) from getting tossed all over everyone and carts from running amok.

A long, deep breath really helps.
posted by backseatpilot at 7:10 AM on June 24, 2010

The truth is that the most dangerous times in a plane are takeoff and landing. I remind myself of that during any inflight turbulence because almost always this is not real danger. (I know there are exceptions but they are, well, exceptional.)

As to your question, I think we are really hardwired for the fear but again, this is a function of the lack of control. This is why military folk train and train and train-so that when the merde hits the fan they can go on automatic pilot, and not succumb to the fear. Same with astronauts and pilots.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:11 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Unfortunately, there is no healthy way to avoid feeling shit-scared when something shit-scary happens to you.

What you can do, though, is make the prospect of feeling shit-scared again less troublesome.

The most reliable way to get better at things is to practise them. So if you're currently anxious about the possibility of feeling shit-scared again, all you need to do is practise feeling shit-scared until you're used to it enough that it doesn't bother you so much.

I recommend skydiving.
posted by flabdablet at 7:14 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

I don't think there's much to think about if you're in a plane. In the air planes are safe until they aren't and as a passenger there's very little to do. If the turbulence is really bad just enjoy it as you would a roller-coaster. If the plane breaks apart, well, just enjoy it. The only thing I would suggest is to keep the safety-belt attached so that you aren't thrown about. No reason to make it dangerous to boot.

I think the real issue is being given time to contemplate your own potential impending death. In that case I think it's a matter of coming to terms with what you could control and what you would really want to potentially control about the situation and the accepting or acting on it.

(I don't like roller-coasters. I fly a lot.)
posted by michswiss at 7:18 AM on June 24, 2010

It's tough when you have no control over the situation, like when you're a passenger on a plane. I used to be very afraid of flying and I found when I was scared I would look at the other passengers. Most of them would be calm, and I just assumed they were more experienced fliers than I was so if they were ok there was nothing for me to worry about. Then I would read Skymall or do the crossword to keep my mind off the fact that I might die.

If you have control over the situation, then try to take a break and do something to help yourself. Two times in my life I was in a situation where I thought there was a good chance I might die. Once, on a mountain, above treeline in the winter, alone (I had decided to bail from the group after the first night due to some foot trouble) I suddenly realized I had lost the route down due to whiteout conditions. I forced myself to stop and take a compass bearing. Just by taking control and doing something to help myself I managed to calm myself and regain control. I carefully followed a compass route down to treeline and not only did I save myself, I boosted my own confidence.

Another time, during a solo flight (ironically, I took flying lessons to help get over my fear of flying) I had a panic attack and thought I might pass out while on an extended downwind approach at a busy GA airport (KBED). I contemplated declaring an emergency but realized there was nothing anyone on the ground could do for me. I opened the air vent, tried to relax, thought of my wife, slowed my breathing and ended up pulling off the greatest crosswind landing I'd ever done. Again, I forced myself to put my fear aside and take control of things.

In the case of a commercial airline there's little you can do to take control. When you're not flying, read up on air travel as much as you can and learn just how much those planes can take, how safe they really are, and just how very rare plane crashes are these days.

If all else fails and you find yourself actually plummeting to the ground, know that it'll be quick and painless.
posted by bondcliff at 7:18 AM on June 24, 2010

I'm not entirely sure what your question means. You're on safe ground now, so you're not going to die.

In terms of the fear, one way would be to look at things rationally. Only 1,915 people died in the US in 2006 of water, air and space accidents. To put this in context, 5,298 people were killed at work.

On most metrics - miles traveled, number of journeys, outright deaths, commercial airline travel is incredibly safe. And if you're going to die, you want it to be 500mph quick, not drawn out and painful.

I also had a nearish miss on a plane. There was a crack in the fuselage, the cabin pressure dropped, the pilot blacked out. The stewardess who went to help the pilot blacked out. The air masks popped down. Without the passengers knowing what he was doing, the co-pilot took the plane down in a very steep dive to get to the richer air. We landed safely. The incident was sufficiently rare that an air accident board investigated it.

That's the point: even for an event in which nobody got a scratch, a team of experts investigated. On the other hand, I've stepped out in the road without looking properly and been skinned by a bus, I've been 12 inches from stepping off a cliff in the pitch dark and I have had my share of heart in mouth moments when driving.

Life has risks. Embrace it. Allow it to make you feel glad to be alive and embrace what you do have. If it helps, read about Paddy Mayne, a lion of a man who fought in the special forces with considerable distinction during WWII, but who ended up dying in an accident ten years after the war. Que sera sera. Sometimes people who have the riskiest of lives die old men. Sometimes the most timid of men pass away quietly in the night.
posted by MuffinMan at 7:20 AM on June 24, 2010 [3 favorites]

Have a plan for any emergency situation, whether it's what direction you'll turn the wheel to avoid a collision on the highway*, to what you will do if you're robbed at gunpoint.

I think one reason flight attendants routinely review safety procedures with passengers at the beginning of a flight is to give the passengers something to focus on other than their fear, should an unusual situation occur. If you feel somewhat in control ("OK, I am 12 rows in front of the exit row, so if I turn left out of my seat and crawl past 12 lights, I will make it out of the burning plane"), then maybe you won't be frozen in fear pissing your pants if the situation arises.

This is why everyone should take basic first aid and CPR courses. They won't prevent your fear in an emergency, but having to remember the steps to clear an airway and begin chest compressions gives you a framework for your response.

*This plan has to be constantly updated, of course.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 7:23 AM on June 24, 2010

I've come close to dying myself, more than once. I usually don't have a "freak out," but I do think about the instances a lot. I guess what helps me is the realization that by the time I'm able to comprehend what happened, the event is over and if I'm not dead yet, then I'm good. Then again, I'm in a war zone and so these instances are very quick; I don't have situations like what you explained where you have time to process what's happening and think about it.

Try to find humor in these situations, that helps some people, including myself.
posted by C17H19NO3 at 7:32 AM on June 24, 2010

There's two kinds of feelings I've felt about death: one is anxiety, the other is fear.

I think anxiety is natural - as Brandon said above, we don't know how it will happen or when, and we won't be able to control or avoid it. All it takes is dwelling on death (or being reminded that it's coming) to get anxious. But for the most part we're wired to handle it well enough - with reason ("the chances of that beam falling over my head are small, it looks pretty secure" etc), or with distraction (we have things we want/have to do, our memory of those we have lost fades, etc). The best antidote for anxiety, though, is being happy. Happiness is a kind of timelessness, not a denial of time passing but a savoring of it, the feeling of being in the moment, pardon the cliche. So... do things in life that make you happy and avoid those that feel like a waste.

Fear, of the kind you describe comes mostly when we're faced with a real possibility of dying. Like if there's a strong pain in your chest, or you can't breathe, or the plane you're in is shaking violently. What happens in such situations is that we jump ahead to imagine the worst possibility, but our imagination is limited and fearful of what it can't know. We can't help doing this, because our survival instinct / sense of security is rooted in foresight and understanding. But when you're staring at the possibility of dying, what can you foresee? Just pain, loss of control, and then nothing. What do we understand about death? Nothing. So, yeah, of course we get afraid.

How can you prevent being afraid of dying when you think you might actually die and can't do anything to fight or control it? I don't think you can. And I don't know if it's fruitful to spend much time trying to find a way, because ultimately death is going to be the absolutely smallest moment of your life. What you do have control over is the rest of it (it's why human beings fight so hard for freedom, no?) - so don't spend it in anxiety, because that's really a waste.

So... differentiate between the two and don't let fear of what's unavoidable control your life. Don't live in denial. Do what seems worth your while. Seek meaning and inspiration. Leave things better than you found them. Be kind to others because they too are similarly adrift and want to live as much and as well as you do.

Not much else we can do.
posted by mondaygreens at 7:49 AM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]

Archie Gates: You're scared, right?
Conrad Vig: Maybe.
Archie Gates: The way it works is, you do the thing you're scared shitless of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it.
Conrad Vig: That's a dumbass way to work. It should be the other way around.
Archie Gates: I know. That's the way it works.
- source


AT A CARDIAC ARREST, THE FIRST PROCEDURE IS TO TAKE YOUR OWN PULSE.
- source
posted by artlung at 8:01 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

I've thought about my last thoughts on this earth and want to go with peace in my soul, no matter the situation.

In a situation like an airplane where there isn't anything you can do about it, you can prepare by practice dying. I know this may sound strange, but (before you get into this situation) spend some time quietly meditating and call to mind the best moments of your life, you know the whole, "life flashes in front of your eyes" thing, but you control it. Call to mind specific events that made you most happy, the people that you love or things that you're proud of. Call this your happy serene place if you will. When these situations occur, breathe deeply and go there, remembering all the love and happiness you've experienced while you were here.

Best case scenario: you don't die and you've had some nice memories.
Worst case scenario: you die, but with happy memories and peace in your soul.
posted by NoraCharles at 8:09 AM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]

Once on a flight between Paris and Hamburg we hit some really bad turbulence in one of those tiny Lufthansa jets. When the turbulence hit, the woman sitting next to me grabbed my hand and said:

"Hi, my name is Blah Blah. I am really scared right now. Will you please hold my hand and talk to me? This will hopefully distract me from the bumpy flight, calm me down and prevent me from freaking out. Tell me about yourself and what you do, or just anything."

So I did. I was a bit scared myself, but I was also distracted from the situation by talking with this woman. When the turbulence subsided, she thanked me and didn't say much else to me for the rest of the flight.

You could try that if you ever find yourself in that situation again.
posted by chillmost at 8:15 AM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]

Meditation on death. If it gets too new-agey for you, just skip those parts - the point is to practice the calm response so that when you're in a scary situation, your body automatically goes to a restful place. It's like training for a sport; when the ball is coming at you, you don't have time to think rationally about what you should do. If you've practiced enough, your body will react without your mind having to decide.
posted by desjardins at 8:16 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

Just accept that you are already dead. You thus eliminate the question of the final outcome which is one less thing to be anxious about.
posted by DieHipsterDie at 8:23 AM on June 24, 2010

I get nervous about airplane turbulence, too. My tack is a two-parter.

1. I remember that turbulence (even bad turbulence) is common, but crashing is exceedingly rare.

2. I get out my camera, ready to record. Something about that almost makes me want the plane to dive 1000 feet just so I can have a video of it.
posted by the jam at 8:26 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

I take my cues for existential fear from the flight attendants. If they're scared, then I give myself permission to be scared... because they've seen all kind of turbulence, and usually it doesn't flap them at all.

Watching them be cool and collected can be very calming.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 8:28 AM on June 24, 2010 [4 favorites]

Only a small percentage of people do not naturally respond to situations like that with anything but terror. Those are the people who find themselves becoming calm, swift, and clear-headed when something critical happens. However, you could probably train away your natural inclinations. In a practical sense, you might want to try emergency training (EMT, volunteer disaster response crews, etc) to mitigate your normal response. Neil Strauss, in Emergency, said that his training transformed him into a person who ran towards dangerous situations.
posted by adipocere at 8:44 AM on June 24, 2010

I was on a very rough flight once. Turbulence came out of nowhere, and one of the stewardesses who was collecting trash literally hit the ceiling. They rushed to secure everything, but we were in for a very rough ride for several minutes. There was a teenage girl next to me who was freaking out, convinced the plane was going to come apart and we were all going to die. I started talking to her, laughing it off, telling her made-up stories of my other flights that were so much worse. This? This is nothing! I was telling her, laughing and casually turning the pages of my book.

Inside, I was scared shitless, but by focusing on helping her and calming her down, it took my mind off my own fear. I don't know if she really bought my confidence or if she was simply willing to play along and accept my bullshit as a means of coping with her own fear, but it worked. For both of us.
posted by xedrik at 8:58 AM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]

Snipers get a similar response when they've sighted in a target and are looking at them directly through the scope. They're taught to take three long, easy breaths to control it and then fire when ready. It becomes an internal battle; the modern human vs. the animal that we are descended from, still deep inside us. The irrational response of that animal can get you killed. With practice you can learn to inhibit it almost immediately, which is what those folks adipocere's talking about who become "calm, swift, and clear-headed" in these situations.

Having been raised in a military family and taught to shoot from a young age, I am one of those people. Fight Science taught me that even this state is still dangerous. Our internal filters are super selective and can eliminate the loud alarm of a fire alarm in such circumstances. We're taught to observe our environment to counteract that, taking note of anything and everything (360 degrees, up and down) in it systematically while we have time to, so that information is available to us when we need it.
posted by jwells at 8:58 AM on June 24, 2010

You might find this thread about people's thoughts during near-death experiences interesting.
posted by MsMolly at 9:12 AM on June 24, 2010

For me, reading a book works to calm me on an airplane. My major problem is claustrophobia, but getting lost in a good book takes my mind off it. Maybe it would work for your problem too?
posted by Doohickie at 9:31 AM on June 24, 2010

This is perhaps a more plane-specific answer than you wanted, but I found reading about crash procedures to be very helpful, eg, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brace_position. I now know that in a know emergency, either the crew or an automated system will announce a brace-for-impact message; not hearing that makes me calmer, because it means that the experts believe the situation is under control. When it's turbulent and I get very scared, I prepare for the brace position as much I can without alarming my seatmates (in my case, I'm small, so the brace position is a tuck; I sit on my hands in preparation, like flight attendants do for takeoff/landing) -- this helps me to feel that I have control, and calms the panic.

For those of you who are calm enough to do so -- please consider joking with your seatmates if it gets choppy. I once experienced horrific turbulence over the Cascades (where the mountaintops poking up through the clouds did nothing to help) and the guy beside me quipped "someone's gotta do something about the potholes up here." I truly credit him with preventing me from passing out in fear.
posted by Westringia F. at 9:46 AM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]

The only way to keep from becoming paralyzed from fear is to train for it which means doing dangerous things. Of course it could be as simple as riding every ride at the amusement park. The fear of death will always cause the sweats and butterflies, even in well-trained soldiers. The difference is that they don't let it paralyze them.
posted by JJ86 at 9:55 AM on June 24, 2010

Clarifying some things: I am CPR certified and better prepared than most in a situation like that. I know what I have to do in a fire or if my car flies of a bridge into the water. My question was not specific to flying.

Imagine a situation in which you know you are going to die, and there is nothing you can do about it. It will probably be painful. Say you have 30 mins. I am wondering what I can occupy myself with for those 30 minutes. When the time comes, I want to be ready for it instead of crumbling away. Any strategies for that? (I was thinking about just accepting the fact that I am already dead and living those 30 minutes as a ghost and enjoying it.)
posted by kuju at 10:04 AM on June 24, 2010

I read The Unthinkable by Amanda Ripley and found it fascinating. It discusses the psychology of panic and ways that people can can actually train themselves to regulate their reactions to intense situations (and increase their chances of survival). For me (and I used to be terrified of flying) the more facts and statistics I know about "scary things" really reduces my panic level. Realizing just how slim my chances are of being in a disaster is helpful; to top that off with having a plan JUST IN CASE (i.e. counting the rows to the airplane exit) really calms me and reminds me that I do have some control.
posted by koselig at 10:07 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

This also has the possibility debilitating me when I want to channel my resources to keeping alive, not pissing my pants.

Turbulence scares me shitless, so I can't help you there. But I have had a couple of experiences (both muggings) where I was scared out of my mind and yet my body's response was completely right. It's like you have dreams where you are put in a situation that you need to fight or flee, but for some reason you're frozen and you can't move. Luckily, it doesn't work like that in real life. I bet that if you were ever in a truly dangerous, about-to-die situation, your head would flood with that same feeling of pure terror but five seconds later you would realize that your legs propelled you across the parking parking garage and over the balcony, and you'll be running and your legs will really hurt and you'll think "WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?" The human stress response is a lovely thing.
posted by pintapicasso at 10:08 AM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]

On preview, I am not sure that you ever know FOR CERTAIN that you will be dead in 30 minutes or what have you. Planning a possible exit strategy is more helpful to your survival than counting on certain death.
posted by koselig at 10:09 AM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

What Ifs. What if X happens, what would you do? Run through each and every possibility several times until you know them cold. Can you position your body to bring less pain or a quicker death? How will doing so work out if you don't infact die? Is there anything near by you can utilize? Anyone else there? What knowledge do they know that could help?

Short of an asteroid coming down on your head there is almost always *something* you can do to change your odds. Your problem is to find it. It's called the will to survive. That's the last thing that goes before many people die when stuck in the woods, snow, etc. I personify death as the reaper and assume it's a game between us. How will I outwit the reaper this time?

Thankfully the reaper isn't a very thorough planner. :-)
posted by jwells at 10:14 AM on June 24, 2010

Imagine a situation in which you know you are going to die, and there is nothing you can do about it. It will probably be painful. Say you have 30 mins. I am wondering what I can occupy myself with for those 30 minutes.

There was a story about someone in just this sort of situation, I think it may have been a passenger on UA Flight 232, who occupied himself by reading an Arthur C. Clarke novel.

Upon reading about this in the news, Clarke sent a copy of the clipping to Isaac Asimov with a note that said "Too bad he didn't read one of your novels, he would have slept through the whole ordeal."

Asimov sent a note back saying "He was only reading your novel so that death would come as a relief."

So, I guess, read a book to keep your mind occupied.
posted by bondcliff at 10:27 AM on June 24, 2010 [16 favorites]

the only time i've really, really thought i was dying, i started to panic. in my panic, i realized that fear was not going to help me in any way. the thought passed through my head that if i was really dying, i was only going to die once so i should pay attention because this would literally be a once-in-a-lifetime experience. at that time i became as much of as observer as a participant, and was able to remain what i still think of as remarkably calm.

side note: i did break down a few hours later when i was in the emergency room & docs were still uncertain what was going on. but that only lasted for about 10 minutes before the drugs started working & i went to sleep. : )
posted by msconduct at 10:52 AM on June 24, 2010

I know you said your question isn't specific to flying, but here's a specific-to-flights way to not panic in the first place:

Don't judge badness by whether or not meal service is being run, because a lot of the time they just don't want people's drinks spilling all over the place and causing a mess. Instead, look at the attendants themselves. Are they sitting down? Are they panicking? If they're calm, there's no reason to get worried - I mean, they fly for a living. They should know if there's really something to be worried about.

(of course, if the oxygen masks pop, you probably should begin to worry.)
posted by Xany at 11:16 AM on June 24, 2010

Accept death. There are two possibilities as to what ti'll be like: nothing at all, or really interesting.

Similarly, it can be pretty liberating to relax in a possibly dangerous situation over which you have no control. Like riding shotgun with a terrible driver.
posted by cmoj at 11:33 AM on June 24, 2010

I don't even know why I need to adopt that steely-nerved persona. But yeah, I think accepting it is the way to go.

Thank you all. I really appreciate the help.
posted by kuju at 11:58 AM on June 24, 2010

Here's the chapter in Peter Pan where Peter Pan faces imminent death and decides that "To die will be an awfully big adventure".
posted by emilyw at 12:38 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]

I tend to think that nature perfected our nervous system for death. If it's a quick accident, I like to think death is pretty swift. Almost as if we wouldn't know what hit us. That kind of puts me at ease.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 2:32 PM on June 24, 2010

I'd just like to add that in my experience if the Flight Attendants aren't scared, there's no reason to be scared. Even if they all sit down and strap in, if they're still chatting amiably there's no reason to be scared. If they all clam up and look scared, then being afraid isn't unwarranted.

Additionally, I've found that the Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear from Dune can work, if you can use it as a kind of associative trigger for a serene feeling.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

posted by ob1quixote at 3:52 PM on June 24, 2010

A couple of years ago, my then fiance and I were in Thailand, and we took a one day boat tour. It was the off season, which meant rain and strong currents, but we didn't really think about it. The boat wasn't that big, big enough for the 15 or so tourists and 3 or 4 crew. It was bouncy and rough on the way to the islands, but on the way back, the sky opened up, and the waves got pretty big (between 6 to 10 feet). The boat would crest a wave, then drop suddenly into the trough behind it. Several people got sick, a couple from Hong Kong shared their salted dried plums (which evidently help you avoid sea sickness by tasting so bad). The crew actually asked people to change their seats because we were listing a bit. It was freakishly, horribly bad. For maybe the first time in my life, I was seriously aware that things could go horribly wrong, and that if the boat capsized, given the waves and the weather, there was a good chance we wouldn't make it.

So I told jokes. People were seriously close to panicking, puking, or both. The crew was too busy to worry about the passengers, and while I felt I stood a good chance of freaking out, other people were obviously closer to it than I was. Trying to take their mind off it, trying to distract them was all I could do to take my own mind off of it. In that sense, I'd say the best thing to do is to do for others, to try and comfort them. You'll be focused on helping the other people, and not so much on what may or may not happen.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:14 PM on June 24, 2010 [2 favorites]

It's my plan, in the event of a plane crash, to make my last words "Oh God, I don't want to die WITH YOU!" screamed at the random stranger next to me. The sarcastic humor of it helps laugh off the few times things get a bit bumpy.
posted by wkearney99 at 7:47 PM on June 24, 2010

I dislike dramatizing this point, but as a firefighter I've had a few moments when I've been, let's say, very aware of my own mortality. To feel fear in these situations is pretty normal, and often uncontrollable. You may learn to make peace with dying, or train yourself to react to chaotic and dangerous bad scenarios with calm, but you can't always be the master of your emotions. Some things are going to scare the crap out of you because they could kill you, and you don't want to be killed.

In these moments, if I have time to think, I just focus on behaving the way I would like to behave in the face of death. I try to be the finest person I'd like to be under the circumstances of my imminent demise. I'm going to be the person I'd want to be sitting next to on the plane. If necessary, I fake it: calm, funny, reassuring, decisive. It helps others and gives you something to focus on. If I'm working, I'm going to work my ass off, and under no circumstances will I or the people around me go down without a fight. No matter what I feel, I'm going to act like the man I'd like to be.

Yeah, if the plane goes down and everyone perishes, no one will ever know how well you kept your shit together for those last few minutes, or if your outward calm was a source of strength and peace to the other people around you. But so what? You'll be forgotten anyway, eventually. What we do in the face of this inevitable destruction and obscurity is what defines us.

So, my short answer to your question about what to do when faced with your death is that you make it count.
posted by itstheclamsname at 8:49 PM on June 24, 2010 [1 favorite]