Delayed conflict resolution with an ex.
June 18, 2010 5:04 AM Subscribe
An old conversation is still bothering me and I'm wondering how to bring it up with with other party, who has been very hostile in the past.
My ex-girlfriend and I do not have a good relationship. (We're both 20 now.) While we were still together she was under a lot of unrelated psychological stress, which left me in a position of not only caring for her but walking on eggshells lest the wrong word worsen her anxiety and bulemia, or perhaps even lead to her committing suicide. She hurt me enough emotionally that I'm now frightened of talking to her. We mutually broke things off more than a year ago, and she took a semester off of college to get help. The next semester she came back and we got into some low-key confrontations, one of which is still haunting me.
I am a transsexual man; she knew this when she started dating me and had no problem with it beyond a lot of discomfort around my body. She was the first person I told when I started thinking about changing my name. She accepted that, and even encouraged me, months before I told anyone else. When she came back to school I had begun asking everyone to use my new name, and it was standard. We shared a class and the professor referred to me by my chosen name. My ex, the few times I spoke to her, did not. I assumed she just wasn't used to it, since everyone had had trouble adjusting, or that she hadn't been told directly and so was confused. I brought it up with her and the conversation when like this.
Me: I don't know if you've heard but I've changed my name to X.
Her: Yeah, I know, but I like your old name better.
Me: Uh...
Her: But if you insist I'll start calling you X.
Me: Yeah. Thanks.
We haven't spoken since.
It is incredibly rude to refuse to call a trans person by their chosen name. Not only does it have the same disrespectful overtones that come out when you're mis naming a cis person, but it carries the transphobic connotation that they're not their gender and you've got the right to taunt them about it. That came out of left field here since she had previously claimed to really like my new name, stood up for trans rights, etc. I've been mulling over this for a year, trying to understand what could possibly have led her to treat me that way. A few nights ago I had a nightmare in which I had a confrontation with my ex about this. What her dream version said doesn't need repeating, but it was upsetting enough that I feel like I have to resolve this.
Three paragraphs of long-winded explanation later, here's my question: How do I talk to her about this? Is there any way to ask her why she said what she said without being greeted by condescension or outright hostility (how she's talked to me in the past)? There's a chance she'll be in another one of my classes this semester and I don't want to deal with the stress. (Side note: If anyone has tips for dealing with being in close proximity to unfriendly exes, like in a classroom, I'd be interested in those, too).
Thank you!
My ex-girlfriend and I do not have a good relationship. (We're both 20 now.) While we were still together she was under a lot of unrelated psychological stress, which left me in a position of not only caring for her but walking on eggshells lest the wrong word worsen her anxiety and bulemia, or perhaps even lead to her committing suicide. She hurt me enough emotionally that I'm now frightened of talking to her. We mutually broke things off more than a year ago, and she took a semester off of college to get help. The next semester she came back and we got into some low-key confrontations, one of which is still haunting me.
I am a transsexual man; she knew this when she started dating me and had no problem with it beyond a lot of discomfort around my body. She was the first person I told when I started thinking about changing my name. She accepted that, and even encouraged me, months before I told anyone else. When she came back to school I had begun asking everyone to use my new name, and it was standard. We shared a class and the professor referred to me by my chosen name. My ex, the few times I spoke to her, did not. I assumed she just wasn't used to it, since everyone had had trouble adjusting, or that she hadn't been told directly and so was confused. I brought it up with her and the conversation when like this.
Me: I don't know if you've heard but I've changed my name to X.
Her: Yeah, I know, but I like your old name better.
Me: Uh...
Her: But if you insist I'll start calling you X.
Me: Yeah. Thanks.
We haven't spoken since.
It is incredibly rude to refuse to call a trans person by their chosen name. Not only does it have the same disrespectful overtones that come out when you're mis naming a cis person, but it carries the transphobic connotation that they're not their gender and you've got the right to taunt them about it. That came out of left field here since she had previously claimed to really like my new name, stood up for trans rights, etc. I've been mulling over this for a year, trying to understand what could possibly have led her to treat me that way. A few nights ago I had a nightmare in which I had a confrontation with my ex about this. What her dream version said doesn't need repeating, but it was upsetting enough that I feel like I have to resolve this.
Three paragraphs of long-winded explanation later, here's my question: How do I talk to her about this? Is there any way to ask her why she said what she said without being greeted by condescension or outright hostility (how she's talked to me in the past)? There's a chance she'll be in another one of my classes this semester and I don't want to deal with the stress. (Side note: If anyone has tips for dealing with being in close proximity to unfriendly exes, like in a classroom, I'd be interested in those, too).
Thank you!
Scabs get better more quickly if you stop picking at them! Talking to her about it will only increase the amount of room she is taking up in your brain with her drama, especially if she really only made that comment because she knew it would hurt you.
The best way to handle being in the same class is to be simultaneously extremely polite and extremely distant.
posted by emilyw at 5:27 AM on June 18, 2010
The best way to handle being in the same class is to be simultaneously extremely polite and extremely distant.
posted by emilyw at 5:27 AM on June 18, 2010
Sincere question: Why do you care? You haven't spoken since this last negative interaction, and it sounds like you don't have any real interest in maintaining a relationship with her. Sure, you could confront her about this, but I think your assessment is pretty spot on, she is being incredibly rude and disrespectful. I can only assume that this is not her being transphobic, but trying to antagonize you because you have history and your relationship did not end well.
Is there any way to ask her why she said what she said without being greeted by condescension or outright hostility (how she's talked to me in the past)?
Unfortunately, you have no control over how people treat you, and nothing that metafilter could possibly say will have any real effect on her behavior. The only thing you have control over is how you comport yourself.
Why wallow in the muck with her when you can be the bigger person and just let it go? If this is a person you don't get on well with, someone who is likely to be condescending and hostile in a confrontation, the best thing to do is be as cordial and impersonal as possible when she's around, and avoid those confrontations that might stir up any psychic garbage.
posted by orville sash at 5:28 AM on June 18, 2010
Is there any way to ask her why she said what she said without being greeted by condescension or outright hostility (how she's talked to me in the past)?
Unfortunately, you have no control over how people treat you, and nothing that metafilter could possibly say will have any real effect on her behavior. The only thing you have control over is how you comport yourself.
Why wallow in the muck with her when you can be the bigger person and just let it go? If this is a person you don't get on well with, someone who is likely to be condescending and hostile in a confrontation, the best thing to do is be as cordial and impersonal as possible when she's around, and avoid those confrontations that might stir up any psychic garbage.
posted by orville sash at 5:28 AM on June 18, 2010
Why is it a mystery that one's ex does not necessarily want to play nice? Don't obsess over this. This is an ex-girlfriend. She doesn't have to be nice to you. You don't have to be nice to her. And you certainly don't have to give a shit about something mean she did to you a year ago.
I lived in the same building as my ex for two years and would see her in the lobby/elevator/gym etc. (and, to be blunt, that situation was much worse than your ex not calling you by your chosen name; sorry) It's only an issue if you let it get to you. There are a zillion people on this planet. All but, what, 100? are not in your life at all. Just move the ex to the other category and lump her in with the 99.999999999999999999999% of the world whose opinions should mean nothing to you.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 5:52 AM on June 18, 2010
I lived in the same building as my ex for two years and would see her in the lobby/elevator/gym etc. (and, to be blunt, that situation was much worse than your ex not calling you by your chosen name; sorry) It's only an issue if you let it get to you. There are a zillion people on this planet. All but, what, 100? are not in your life at all. Just move the ex to the other category and lump her in with the 99.999999999999999999999% of the world whose opinions should mean nothing to you.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 5:52 AM on June 18, 2010
Talking to her won't reduce the stress. You will get no closure, no resolution, no understanding. Move on.
posted by spaltavian at 5:54 AM on June 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by spaltavian at 5:54 AM on June 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your ex wasn't trying to make a political statement, she was being awkward and arguably catty with an ex. Using the name she knew you by is/was a way of relating to your shared past - to which you yourself have an equally problematic and mysterious (but obviously different) relationship, given your professed level of hauntedness etc. What she said wasn't rude because of your sexual identity, it's rude because she's got shit she's not dealing with, and she's being passive-aggressive about it a longish while after your breakup.
If you need more time apart, take more time. Same as any two people. Be friendly because that's the right way to be with people, but understand that when you're able to relate to one another without melodrama, you'll do so (and probably should! Learning is better than not).
posted by waxbanks at 6:02 AM on June 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
If you need more time apart, take more time. Same as any two people. Be friendly because that's the right way to be with people, but understand that when you're able to relate to one another without melodrama, you'll do so (and probably should! Learning is better than not).
posted by waxbanks at 6:02 AM on June 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
Let it go. You got what you wanted: she agreed to start addressing you by your current name.
posted by orange swan at 6:08 AM on June 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by orange swan at 6:08 AM on June 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
What do you want? She doesn't like you, so why would she care that she hurt your feelings? She's not going to apologize and she's not going to feel bad.
posted by delmoi at 6:16 AM on June 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by delmoi at 6:16 AM on June 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
What a dreadful person. She's trying to get your goat, and it sounds like she's succeeding. She should be persona non grata to you.
I wish I had some good advice regarding post-breakup interactions, but I'm the guy who would literally hide behind a tree when he saw his ex approaching from across campus, so I've got nothing.
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:17 AM on June 18, 2010
I wish I had some good advice regarding post-breakup interactions, but I'm the guy who would literally hide behind a tree when he saw his ex approaching from across campus, so I've got nothing.
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:17 AM on June 18, 2010
Armchair psychology view: Using your new name hits close too home for her. You've moved on with your life, your transition, and you don't even have the same name as the person that she dated.
Practically speaking, the name-change thing can be unexpectedly hard for people. I know, I know, it seems petty to get hung up on it. But I'm all trans-friendly, and yet I have slipped up and used the wrong pronoun or had a little flash of being self-conscious in how deliberately I have to remember to use someone's new name.
But hey, why do you need this woman's acceptance and friendship? You said that she's your ex, it ended badly, and you don't have a good relationship. Just be civil and focus your attention on the rest of your life.
I am a transsexual man; she knew this when she started dating me and had no problem with it beyond a lot of discomfort around my body
Um. "A lot of discomfort around your body" is a pretty big problem. Maybe she said she was comfortable with you being trans, maybe she wanted to be okay with it, but it seems clear to me from what you've told us that she was actually pretty uncomfortable with it. Luckily, she's not your girlfriend anymore.
posted by desuetude at 6:49 AM on June 18, 2010
Practically speaking, the name-change thing can be unexpectedly hard for people. I know, I know, it seems petty to get hung up on it. But I'm all trans-friendly, and yet I have slipped up and used the wrong pronoun or had a little flash of being self-conscious in how deliberately I have to remember to use someone's new name.
But hey, why do you need this woman's acceptance and friendship? You said that she's your ex, it ended badly, and you don't have a good relationship. Just be civil and focus your attention on the rest of your life.
I am a transsexual man; she knew this when she started dating me and had no problem with it beyond a lot of discomfort around my body
Um. "A lot of discomfort around your body" is a pretty big problem. Maybe she said she was comfortable with you being trans, maybe she wanted to be okay with it, but it seems clear to me from what you've told us that she was actually pretty uncomfortable with it. Luckily, she's not your girlfriend anymore.
posted by desuetude at 6:49 AM on June 18, 2010
If you haven't spoken to her in a year, why does it matter now. She was rude.
And she is not responsible for your dream. You need to work through that yourself.
One way of looking at it: Everyone and everything in your dream is you. An aspect or part of you. What were you saying to yourself? Why? What do you need to learn about yourself in order to get past this?
Good luck.
posted by SLC Mom at 7:56 AM on June 18, 2010
And she is not responsible for your dream. You need to work through that yourself.
One way of looking at it: Everyone and everything in your dream is you. An aspect or part of you. What were you saying to yourself? Why? What do you need to learn about yourself in order to get past this?
Good luck.
posted by SLC Mom at 7:56 AM on June 18, 2010
There are seven billion people on the planet. One of them is your ex-girlfriend. Why not try to have relationships with the (literally) billions who aren't? Seriously. It's not worth it. Maybe if you both really worked at it you could end up with a wonderful, lifelong friendship, but sometimes that's a lot of work and, really, no one will feel that you are a bad person if you break off relations. You may still have some unresolved feelings, but let time take care of them. She's out of your life.
If you have to interact and she calls you by the wrong name, just ignore her. I answer to the long form of my name, not the short form. Call me by the short form and I just plain won't hear you (you say that the meaning runs deeper for a trans person and I'll accept that, but your reaction can be the same: It's not your name and you don't respond).
As for dealing with her when you have to deal with her (like in the classroom): Keep it polite, distant, and professional. If one of you has to be the ex-with-issues your goal should be to make sure that it isn't you. Everyone will notice that you are sane one and react accordingly.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 8:22 AM on June 18, 2010
If you have to interact and she calls you by the wrong name, just ignore her. I answer to the long form of my name, not the short form. Call me by the short form and I just plain won't hear you (you say that the meaning runs deeper for a trans person and I'll accept that, but your reaction can be the same: It's not your name and you don't respond).
As for dealing with her when you have to deal with her (like in the classroom): Keep it polite, distant, and professional. If one of you has to be the ex-with-issues your goal should be to make sure that it isn't you. Everyone will notice that you are sane one and react accordingly.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 8:22 AM on June 18, 2010
Maybe she was using your old name because she was fearing the loss of the you she knew. Maybe it came out badly and rudely, but was her abandonment fears coming up. Maybe she was angry at you for other reasons, but knew this was a tool to get to you.
I am just presenting these options as a possibility, and to show that you just don't know where something is coming from. Also, I bet it has nothing to do with transsexual aspect but something more personal. People say mean things sometimes as their own protection, or just dealing with their own issues. (mean people tend to be the most insecure, fear-driven people)
No reason not to talk to her if it is bothering you, just realize that it is probably not the obvious "I have an issue with your sexuality".
posted by Vaike at 9:52 AM on June 18, 2010
I am just presenting these options as a possibility, and to show that you just don't know where something is coming from. Also, I bet it has nothing to do with transsexual aspect but something more personal. People say mean things sometimes as their own protection, or just dealing with their own issues. (mean people tend to be the most insecure, fear-driven people)
No reason not to talk to her if it is bothering you, just realize that it is probably not the obvious "I have an issue with your sexuality".
posted by Vaike at 9:52 AM on June 18, 2010
Just in case you think you need "closure" I'd like to point out that no one else can give you closure. You choose what closes a relationship for yourself. Seems like you're second guessing the right choice that you already made.
You may run into her in the future, and it's up to you to define the role she will play in your life. People change so much at your age, neither of you are the people you were. You don't need to be anything but polite.
That's called taking the high road, and when you do it it feels terrifically adult.
posted by kidelo at 10:52 AM on June 18, 2010
You may run into her in the future, and it's up to you to define the role she will play in your life. People change so much at your age, neither of you are the people you were. You don't need to be anything but polite.
That's called taking the high road, and when you do it it feels terrifically adult.
posted by kidelo at 10:52 AM on June 18, 2010
It sounds like she was being hostile and mean. She knew how to hurt you and she did. I can still remember some brutal things said to me in the past. It's difficult to forget.
I don't think you will get any satisfaction by confronting her. She was being a jerk. Confronting her will just show her that she still has power of you.
I have often thought about things I would say to people who have been particularly mean to me. However, I have never confronted the people. It's not worth it. To relieve stress, I have complained to my friends, which seems to help.
You might want to examine why this bothers you so much. What's keeping you from writing her off as a jerk and forgetting about it? The times I have been hurt and have had the hurt stay with me, it's usually because there is an underlying issue I have with myself that I don't really want to acknowledge.
posted by parakeetdog at 1:10 PM on June 18, 2010
I don't think you will get any satisfaction by confronting her. She was being a jerk. Confronting her will just show her that she still has power of you.
I have often thought about things I would say to people who have been particularly mean to me. However, I have never confronted the people. It's not worth it. To relieve stress, I have complained to my friends, which seems to help.
You might want to examine why this bothers you so much. What's keeping you from writing her off as a jerk and forgetting about it? The times I have been hurt and have had the hurt stay with me, it's usually because there is an underlying issue I have with myself that I don't really want to acknowledge.
posted by parakeetdog at 1:10 PM on June 18, 2010
Does she actually know how disrespectful it is? I honestly didn't (unless your old name was said with emphasis and venom, obviously). Whenever I talk to my high school friends now, some of them use a nickname/stage name I had, no matter how much I tell them that that was ages ago and to call me by my real name. One time, frustrated, I asked why people couldn't let that go and they were honestly surprised at my irritation and said that it was the name *they* knew me by and my real name was from this other, grown-up section of my life. It's irritating, but it has never, ever kept me up at night.
I realize now from what you've said this is different and more hurtful than that and a problem in the trans community, but I didn't realize it until then. Could it be she was just expressing a name preference, without realizing how rude it would be? You said she agreed to call you by your chosen name almost immediately.
Whether it was meant to hurt you or not, don't contact her about it. There's nothing she could say or do at this point that would make it okay, even if she wanted to (which it sounds like she won't), and you have no desire to interact with her in the future, so I don't really see what "resolution" you could get. It could even backfire. If she meant to be vicious and she still does not like you, that would be a sure way to let her know what she can do to really get under your skin and hurt you in the future.
As far as being in class with her - sit as far away as possible so if you end up having to do group work, you're not in a group together.
posted by wending my way at 3:27 PM on June 18, 2010
I realize now from what you've said this is different and more hurtful than that and a problem in the trans community, but I didn't realize it until then. Could it be she was just expressing a name preference, without realizing how rude it would be? You said she agreed to call you by your chosen name almost immediately.
Whether it was meant to hurt you or not, don't contact her about it. There's nothing she could say or do at this point that would make it okay, even if she wanted to (which it sounds like she won't), and you have no desire to interact with her in the future, so I don't really see what "resolution" you could get. It could even backfire. If she meant to be vicious and she still does not like you, that would be a sure way to let her know what she can do to really get under your skin and hurt you in the future.
As far as being in class with her - sit as far away as possible so if you end up having to do group work, you're not in a group together.
posted by wending my way at 3:27 PM on June 18, 2010
Like everyone else says, I would try to let go of the idea of getting what you want out of her. It sounds like she said/did what she did to get a rise out of your/exert control over you/expressly show you that she doesn't respect you. So I doubt any of that would change if you approached her again. More importantly, you're always worse off the more affected your mental state/happiness is by how someone else reacts or doesn't react. In other words, you often can't control other people so it's better to focus on your own actions.
It sounds like part of what bothers you could be that you felt you didn't stand up for yourself enough at the time? If so, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying to her what you said to us: "It is incredibly rude to refuse to call a trans person by their chosen name. Not only does it have the same disrespectful overtones that come out when you're mis naming a cis person, but it carries the transphobic connotation that they're not their gender and you've got the right to taunt them about it" and maybe appending that you're disappointed in her for doing that. Then just leave it. Don't do this if you have any expectation for how she will respond - being apologetic, contrite, more friendly, etc. If you do it, just do it to stand up for yourself, and try to forget about her and her reactions.
posted by Ashley801 at 3:18 PM on June 20, 2010
It sounds like part of what bothers you could be that you felt you didn't stand up for yourself enough at the time? If so, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying to her what you said to us: "It is incredibly rude to refuse to call a trans person by their chosen name. Not only does it have the same disrespectful overtones that come out when you're mis naming a cis person, but it carries the transphobic connotation that they're not their gender and you've got the right to taunt them about it" and maybe appending that you're disappointed in her for doing that. Then just leave it. Don't do this if you have any expectation for how she will respond - being apologetic, contrite, more friendly, etc. If you do it, just do it to stand up for yourself, and try to forget about her and her reactions.
posted by Ashley801 at 3:18 PM on June 20, 2010
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posted by OmieWise at 5:18 AM on June 18, 2010 [16 favorites]