I just found out my mom has breast cancer. I don't know what to do.
June 16, 2010 9:38 AM Subscribe
I just found out my mom has breast cancer. I don't know what to do.
My mother is in her early 50s and her family has a history of breast cancer. For the last 7 years or so, she's been visiting her native country to help her mother, who has been battling cancer.
I'm guessing my mother found out about her own breast cancer a few weeks ago. She didn't want to tell us kids (2 daughters), but my dad told my younger sister, who told me last night during a phone call. This means that I don't know how advance her cancer is, if she needs intense treatment, or how she's feeling.
My parents also lost a lot of money during late 90s, their house is not paid off yet, and my sister's future college expenses coming up in a few years. I don't think they have enough money for both my sister's college expense (even with scholarships) and for their retirement. My mom's family members live oversea and my parents don't have a lot of close friends living by them, so there's not a lot of support system here.
I live in another state but I will be visiting the family over July 4th weekend. I know she doesn't want me to know because she doesn't want to worry or stress my sister and I, especially since my sister is in her early teens. After the July 4th weekend, my sister will be visiting me for the month of July, so my parents will have the house to themselves.
At this point, I don't know what to do. I know it'll stress my mom out to know that I'm worried about her but on the other hand, I want to support her, and my dad, as much as I can.
What can I do to help my mom? Things to make her feel better? Should I mention to her that I know, over July 4th weekend? Or should I just spend as much time with her as I can? And how to give support to my dad?
Any advices around both immediate future and long-term are welcome.
My mother is in her early 50s and her family has a history of breast cancer. For the last 7 years or so, she's been visiting her native country to help her mother, who has been battling cancer.
I'm guessing my mother found out about her own breast cancer a few weeks ago. She didn't want to tell us kids (2 daughters), but my dad told my younger sister, who told me last night during a phone call. This means that I don't know how advance her cancer is, if she needs intense treatment, or how she's feeling.
My parents also lost a lot of money during late 90s, their house is not paid off yet, and my sister's future college expenses coming up in a few years. I don't think they have enough money for both my sister's college expense (even with scholarships) and for their retirement. My mom's family members live oversea and my parents don't have a lot of close friends living by them, so there's not a lot of support system here.
I live in another state but I will be visiting the family over July 4th weekend. I know she doesn't want me to know because she doesn't want to worry or stress my sister and I, especially since my sister is in her early teens. After the July 4th weekend, my sister will be visiting me for the month of July, so my parents will have the house to themselves.
At this point, I don't know what to do. I know it'll stress my mom out to know that I'm worried about her but on the other hand, I want to support her, and my dad, as much as I can.
What can I do to help my mom? Things to make her feel better? Should I mention to her that I know, over July 4th weekend? Or should I just spend as much time with her as I can? And how to give support to my dad?
Any advices around both immediate future and long-term are welcome.
I asked a very similar question a few months ago. My mother has since passed, and I have learned a lot. Your case is different than mine, but she was also in her early 50s, which means you and I are both quite young to lose a parent. The advice in there helped me quite a bit.
The most important thing I can tell you? Keep your own mental and physical health and well-being above hers. If things get worse, god forbid, you'll want to spend every moment with her, helping her. You can't. You have to keep your life, your health, your education (if applicable) and your career on track. You can support, but you can't devote your existence to making sure she is comfortable.
posted by griphus at 9:52 AM on June 16, 2010
The most important thing I can tell you? Keep your own mental and physical health and well-being above hers. If things get worse, god forbid, you'll want to spend every moment with her, helping her. You can't. You have to keep your life, your health, your education (if applicable) and your career on track. You can support, but you can't devote your existence to making sure she is comfortable.
posted by griphus at 9:52 AM on June 16, 2010
Talk to her about it. I'd at least mention having heard early in the weekend, even if you are going to discuss the details later. It will save her the stress of when and whether to bring it up, and you can find out some details like how advanced it is. Breast cancer is very treatable, so don't drive yourself crazy with worry before you have even found out the details.
With all of these financial concerns you mention I assume she does not have health insurance. You can research programs that will pay for treatment in her state.
posted by yohko at 9:55 AM on June 16, 2010
With all of these financial concerns you mention I assume she does not have health insurance. You can research programs that will pay for treatment in her state.
posted by yohko at 9:55 AM on June 16, 2010
I'm sorry for the horrible intrusion cancer has made on your life. Each family deals with it differently - there's no real right or wrong way to handle this.
When I was 21, I found out my mom had breast cancer. I was halfway across the country. It was devastating. My life around me kept moving, but I was walking wounded for the first few days after I found out from my mother. Take the next few days for yourself if you can. Allow yourself to grieve. Cancer sucks. Alot.
But also, seek information. Talk to your sister. Decide together how you want to approach your parents. Learn more about your mom's condition. Many breast cancers are treatable (my mom's had two types - and is almost at her 5 year remission mark now!) Each family is different in how they handle cancer. Respect your mom's wishes - but do what you feel comfortable with. If you need to talk to someone, perhaps talking to her may not be the best - but by all means, talk to someone. Trust in your friends, partner, counselor, etc. Message me.
posted by quodlibet at 9:55 AM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
When I was 21, I found out my mom had breast cancer. I was halfway across the country. It was devastating. My life around me kept moving, but I was walking wounded for the first few days after I found out from my mother. Take the next few days for yourself if you can. Allow yourself to grieve. Cancer sucks. Alot.
But also, seek information. Talk to your sister. Decide together how you want to approach your parents. Learn more about your mom's condition. Many breast cancers are treatable (my mom's had two types - and is almost at her 5 year remission mark now!) Each family is different in how they handle cancer. Respect your mom's wishes - but do what you feel comfortable with. If you need to talk to someone, perhaps talking to her may not be the best - but by all means, talk to someone. Trust in your friends, partner, counselor, etc. Message me.
posted by quodlibet at 9:55 AM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
My mother-in-law had breast cancer a few years back. It was very treatable and she is absolutely fine now. It's still scary but they have made great strides in treating it.
Let her know you know, that you love her and are there for her - but don't let that be the focus of all your conversation unless she wants to talk about it. Reassure but also let her feel normal, like things are going on as they always have.
I visited my MIL after her mastectomy and helped out by keeping the house clean for her so she wouldn't worry about it, sitting with her and reassuring her, massaging the swollen areas to help get the fluids out (when the lymph nodes are removed the fluids still pool there for a while - she had a shunt but massage helped clear it faster and it was good for her just to be touched as she felt she was "diseased and unclean"). I did some research to make sure she had the best food and vitamins (some things are best to avoid during chemo for example).
I guess the point is just that you can be there, and be there in very practical ways.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 9:57 AM on June 16, 2010
Let her know you know, that you love her and are there for her - but don't let that be the focus of all your conversation unless she wants to talk about it. Reassure but also let her feel normal, like things are going on as they always have.
I visited my MIL after her mastectomy and helped out by keeping the house clean for her so she wouldn't worry about it, sitting with her and reassuring her, massaging the swollen areas to help get the fluids out (when the lymph nodes are removed the fluids still pool there for a while - she had a shunt but massage helped clear it faster and it was good for her just to be touched as she felt she was "diseased and unclean"). I did some research to make sure she had the best food and vitamins (some things are best to avoid during chemo for example).
I guess the point is just that you can be there, and be there in very practical ways.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 9:57 AM on June 16, 2010
Honey, I'm so sorry this is happening to your mother and your family but at least you all know about it. There is absolutely no value in pretending you do not. You cannot be a good support to your mother if you're pretending she isn't ill, and you are all hampered in any efforts to be supportive of each other if you have to do that surreptitiously.
Please, let her know you know and bring this out in the open so you can deal with it as a family. Yes, this is her personal journey and if she wants to go through it privately that is her business, but it effects all of you deeply and you need to deal with that, too.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:13 AM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Please, let her know you know and bring this out in the open so you can deal with it as a family. Yes, this is her personal journey and if she wants to go through it privately that is her business, but it effects all of you deeply and you need to deal with that, too.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:13 AM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
But also, seek information. Talk to your sister. Decide together how you want to approach your parents. Learn more about your mom's condition. Many breast cancers are treatable (my mom's had two types - and is almost at her 5 year remission mark now!)
I cannot second this enough. It depends on how you personally process grief, of course, but when my mom was diagnosed five years ago, learning everything I could about the disease helped me a great deal. The truth is that breast cancer is one of the most treatable cancers around (along with skin cancer), and the recovery rate is spectacular. It's terrifying and devastating, and allow yourself to process those emotions, but also bear in mind that it is by no means a death sentence.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:14 AM on June 16, 2010
I cannot second this enough. It depends on how you personally process grief, of course, but when my mom was diagnosed five years ago, learning everything I could about the disease helped me a great deal. The truth is that breast cancer is one of the most treatable cancers around (along with skin cancer), and the recovery rate is spectacular. It's terrifying and devastating, and allow yourself to process those emotions, but also bear in mind that it is by no means a death sentence.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:14 AM on June 16, 2010
I believe the statistic is that one in ten women are touched by breast cancer in their lives. Count the number of women you know who have or have had breast cancer and you will realize that there are many many "invisible" cases around you all of the time. Some don't defeat it but most continue leading lives that are normal enough to not even be noticed by you and me.
Amongst your and your mother's friends there will be other victims with whom to share experiences and hope. Find them and ask what helped them the most. Our experience was that it helped the most when others did not treat the cancer victim any differently after they found out about the cancer than they treated her before.
Continuing with life is important and we feel that the positive environment of normal life aided in dealing with the treatments and helped result in what is now a ten year span of remission.
Good luck to your mother and to every women, and the men who are diagnosed with this disease.
posted by leafwoman at 10:14 AM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Amongst your and your mother's friends there will be other victims with whom to share experiences and hope. Find them and ask what helped them the most. Our experience was that it helped the most when others did not treat the cancer victim any differently after they found out about the cancer than they treated her before.
Continuing with life is important and we feel that the positive environment of normal life aided in dealing with the treatments and helped result in what is now a ten year span of remission.
Good luck to your mother and to every women, and the men who are diagnosed with this disease.
posted by leafwoman at 10:14 AM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
The truth is that breast cancer is one of the most treatable cancers around (along with skin cancer), and the recovery rate is spectacular.
This. Once you start talking to friends and neighbors you'll be very surprised how many women you know who are survivors and you just had no idea.
I know she doesn't want me to know because she doesn't want to worry or stress my sister and I, especially since my sister is in her early teens.
But you do know. And pretending you don't will just cause more stress. You must let her know that you know. There is no value at all in keeping this secret.
posted by anastasiav at 10:24 AM on June 16, 2010
This. Once you start talking to friends and neighbors you'll be very surprised how many women you know who are survivors and you just had no idea.
I know she doesn't want me to know because she doesn't want to worry or stress my sister and I, especially since my sister is in her early teens.
But you do know. And pretending you don't will just cause more stress. You must let her know that you know. There is no value at all in keeping this secret.
posted by anastasiav at 10:24 AM on June 16, 2010
I'm so so sorry to hear this.
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer almost exactly a year ago. She's pretty darn good now. It has been a crazy crazy year, but we've made it through well.
The first couple of months will be hard - for your family, and for you. Make sure to take care of yourself too.
Look into support groups. I actually donated a bunch of money to Gilda's Club (from shaving my head) because they offer a lot of free support to families and patients.
Every family is different. But it sounds like you have good support with them.
(and as for the emotional - I get you there too. I'm the same way.)
Feel free to memail me if you need to talk.
posted by bibliogrrl at 10:31 AM on June 16, 2010
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer almost exactly a year ago. She's pretty darn good now. It has been a crazy crazy year, but we've made it through well.
The first couple of months will be hard - for your family, and for you. Make sure to take care of yourself too.
Look into support groups. I actually donated a bunch of money to Gilda's Club (from shaving my head) because they offer a lot of free support to families and patients.
Every family is different. But it sounds like you have good support with them.
(and as for the emotional - I get you there too. I'm the same way.)
Feel free to memail me if you need to talk.
posted by bibliogrrl at 10:31 AM on June 16, 2010
My boss had her mastectomy over a year ago. She just had a checkup and is cancer free.
Another friend of mine had a lumpectomy for breast cancer several years ago and is also cancer free now.
This is not a death sentence!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:38 AM on June 16, 2010
Another friend of mine had a lumpectomy for breast cancer several years ago and is also cancer free now.
This is not a death sentence!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:38 AM on June 16, 2010
Let her know that you know. And, being your Mom, she probably understands that you're an emotional person and won't hold your tears (should they come) against you.
The only other piece of advice I learned when my Mom went through breast cancer (10+ year survivor) is to let her process it however she wants to. If she wants to talk about it in detail, be an ear for her. If she wants to talk about anything but the cancer, let her do that, too. In a way, cancer becomes "my" disease to the person who has it, so in my opinion, they get to decide how they want to deal with it.
posted by xingcat at 10:48 AM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
The only other piece of advice I learned when my Mom went through breast cancer (10+ year survivor) is to let her process it however she wants to. If she wants to talk about it in detail, be an ear for her. If she wants to talk about anything but the cancer, let her do that, too. In a way, cancer becomes "my" disease to the person who has it, so in my opinion, they get to decide how they want to deal with it.
posted by xingcat at 10:48 AM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yeah, don't hold the tears. You're entitled to them.
There's really know way to know what to expect, even if you did know the stage she's in. Do expect to have far more people than you would have guessed come to you with their own breast cancer stories. The sheer volume of survivors was comforting to me, in a funny way, when my very close cousin was diagnosed. (FWIW, she's had a tougher go post-double mastectomy than most, but she's still here and still fighting.)
posted by willpie at 11:10 AM on June 16, 2010
There's really know way to know what to expect, even if you did know the stage she's in. Do expect to have far more people than you would have guessed come to you with their own breast cancer stories. The sheer volume of survivors was comforting to me, in a funny way, when my very close cousin was diagnosed. (FWIW, she's had a tougher go post-double mastectomy than most, but she's still here and still fighting.)
posted by willpie at 11:10 AM on June 16, 2010
My wife is a breast cancer survivor and was diagnosed at a similar age to your mother. One of the things that helped her get through everything (chemo, radiation, double mastectomy) was her support group. Depending on where your mom is, there may be lots of group options for her. Her oncologist will probably have information.
Chemo can be rough and it also helped my wife to know that it was okay to do nothing sometimes. There may not be much you can do to help out there since you're in another state but maybe that's something to pass on to your father and sister.
If your dad is anything like me, he'll appreciate just having someone to talk to sometimes.
posted by maurice at 11:30 AM on June 16, 2010
Chemo can be rough and it also helped my wife to know that it was okay to do nothing sometimes. There may not be much you can do to help out there since you're in another state but maybe that's something to pass on to your father and sister.
If your dad is anything like me, he'll appreciate just having someone to talk to sometimes.
posted by maurice at 11:30 AM on June 16, 2010
When I was in University on the other side of the country, I found out that my mom had cancer. I was a mess. I wanted to come home, but couldn't, and felt immensely guilty about it. I failed out of most of my courses and fell into a bit of a depression from all the guilt and pent up feelings.
I carried this guilt around with me for years. One day, I finally told my mom how horrible I'd felt that I wasn't home with her while she was going through cancer treatment and how I still felt bad about it.
Her response floored me.
Having me in school was the only normal thing going on in her life. It was important to her that I did exactly what I would have done had she not been diagnosed with cancer. It gave her something outside of her own situation to think about.
If I'd known that at the time, I doubt I'd have failed my classes. I probably would have kicked ass instead, because I'd have been thinking about how important it was for her that I was there, and not how bad I was feeling inside about not being home.
Talk with your mom. Tell her that you know about her cancer diagnosis, and ask her what she'd like you to do to help. Don't guess at her needs, and don't hide your feelings. They're not worth carrying around for years like I did.
posted by burntflowers at 12:01 PM on June 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
I carried this guilt around with me for years. One day, I finally told my mom how horrible I'd felt that I wasn't home with her while she was going through cancer treatment and how I still felt bad about it.
Her response floored me.
Having me in school was the only normal thing going on in her life. It was important to her that I did exactly what I would have done had she not been diagnosed with cancer. It gave her something outside of her own situation to think about.
If I'd known that at the time, I doubt I'd have failed my classes. I probably would have kicked ass instead, because I'd have been thinking about how important it was for her that I was there, and not how bad I was feeling inside about not being home.
Talk with your mom. Tell her that you know about her cancer diagnosis, and ask her what she'd like you to do to help. Don't guess at her needs, and don't hide your feelings. They're not worth carrying around for years like I did.
posted by burntflowers at 12:01 PM on June 16, 2010 [2 favorites]
I am so sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it is; I've been there. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer close to four years ago.
And guess what?
She is absolutely fine now! An e-mail from her just landed in my inbox, talking about things like sunshine and books and sandwiches. Our lives have gone back to normal--but a new, better normal, where we no longer take things like sunshine and books and sandwiches for granted.
Breast cancer is no longer a death sentence. Arm yourself with information, talk to your mom, and ask how you can help. My mom, for instance, wanted me to take care of scheduling (because there will be lots of appointments, and dealing with the logistics can be a tad overwhelming during what's already a raw time), and wanted company in the waiting room. [But, I will venture to say that everyone is different. When I had a recent health scare, I much preferred going alone and feeling free to have uninterrupted silent freakouts without having to make small talk with a loved one or worry about his/her concern.] And remember: one day/step/ appointment at a time.
Best wishes to you and your family. You will get through this.
posted by onepot at 12:08 PM on June 16, 2010
And guess what?
She is absolutely fine now! An e-mail from her just landed in my inbox, talking about things like sunshine and books and sandwiches. Our lives have gone back to normal--but a new, better normal, where we no longer take things like sunshine and books and sandwiches for granted.
Breast cancer is no longer a death sentence. Arm yourself with information, talk to your mom, and ask how you can help. My mom, for instance, wanted me to take care of scheduling (because there will be lots of appointments, and dealing with the logistics can be a tad overwhelming during what's already a raw time), and wanted company in the waiting room. [But, I will venture to say that everyone is different. When I had a recent health scare, I much preferred going alone and feeling free to have uninterrupted silent freakouts without having to make small talk with a loved one or worry about his/her concern.] And remember: one day/step/ appointment at a time.
Best wishes to you and your family. You will get through this.
posted by onepot at 12:08 PM on June 16, 2010
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2003. It changes your life, the diagnosis, it changes your perspective.
I strongly recommend the website Breastcancer.org. This site has lots of useful, usable information for the newly diagnosed and their loved ones. I'd also suggest the website of Dr. Susan Love-- she is one of the premier physicians working on making breast cancer and its treatment more understandable to the public at large.
posted by pickypicky at 12:57 PM on June 16, 2010
I strongly recommend the website Breastcancer.org. This site has lots of useful, usable information for the newly diagnosed and their loved ones. I'd also suggest the website of Dr. Susan Love-- she is one of the premier physicians working on making breast cancer and its treatment more understandable to the public at large.
posted by pickypicky at 12:57 PM on June 16, 2010
My thoughts go out to you.
My mom was diagnosed in early winter a few years back. What I did was make the 250-mile trip to be with her on my days off, every three weeks when she had another round of chemo. I wasn't doing anything specific, just hanging out with her, making tea, driving and helping around the house if needed. I was there for her surgeries, and my main job was to keep her on her pain meds schedule and make sure her friends didn't stay too long when they came to visit.
She's fine now, has one fake boob and a little nerve damage in her feet from all the chemo. She claims she wouldn't have made it through without me, even though I really wasn't doing anything special.
Every case is different, and there's no way this will be easy. Feel free to MeMail me if you want to talk more.
posted by vortex genie 2 at 2:13 PM on June 16, 2010
My mom was diagnosed in early winter a few years back. What I did was make the 250-mile trip to be with her on my days off, every three weeks when she had another round of chemo. I wasn't doing anything specific, just hanging out with her, making tea, driving and helping around the house if needed. I was there for her surgeries, and my main job was to keep her on her pain meds schedule and make sure her friends didn't stay too long when they came to visit.
She's fine now, has one fake boob and a little nerve damage in her feet from all the chemo. She claims she wouldn't have made it through without me, even though I really wasn't doing anything special.
Every case is different, and there's no way this will be easy. Feel free to MeMail me if you want to talk more.
posted by vortex genie 2 at 2:13 PM on June 16, 2010
This might be impossible, but try not to worry too much yet. My mom had breast cancer a few years ago, and the biopsy actually removed it all. She still had radiation therapy, just in case, but it was never as big of a deal as I thought it was going to be, and now everything's fine.
Until you know what her treatment is going to be, there's not much you can do. I think it makes sense to tell her that you know.
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:02 PM on June 16, 2010
Until you know what her treatment is going to be, there's not much you can do. I think it makes sense to tell her that you know.
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:02 PM on June 16, 2010
Seconding everyone who says to (try to) stay calm until you know more about her specific cancer and prognosis. It's often very treatable, and many people live long lives after their initial diagnosis. Even if she has a family history, her particular case could be unrelated; you just don't know unless everyone in her family has genetic testing. What's more relevant now is her specific case.
Definitely let your mother know that you know. If you feel more comfortable doing this through your dad or your sister, then do so. You'll be best able to help if this is out in the open. Being able to talk (and cry) about things in advance of your visit will mean that you'll have one less pressure on you once you're there. I cry easily, too; try not to worry about that.
I don't know how to advise you on the money situation; that sounds like the kind of thing that the family will work out together as facts become clearer. When you visit, if she's recovering from surgery or going through treatments that are tough on her, be helpful with logistics. Some people want physical comfort (hugs, massage, etc.); other people are more comfortable with more concrete help (with making dinner, doing the dishes, cleaning the house, doing laundry, etc.). Some people want to talk about the cancer, their treatment, etc. and others would rather not share; listen if she wants to talk, but don't press too hard if she doesn't want to. Offer what you can depending on what is most appropriate for everyone's needs.
My story:
My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 17. She shoved us kids out of the house one day - the anniversary, two years to the day, of my grandmother's death from breast cancer – and didn't tell us why. When we got home that evening, she was in bed, which was very unusual. Before my parents could have their carefully planned talk with us, we had already seen a pamphlet - "Caring for Yourself After Surgery" - that they had accidentally on the kitchen counter. We were freaking out. Parents want to protect their kids, and in my experience it usually just adds to the stress.
It was only many years later, after my mom had been cancer-free for more than a decade, that I finally told her how hurt I'd been that she hadn't told us beforehand. She had her reasons and stands by them; I disagree with them and am strongly in favor of communication and openness. If everyone in the family knows what's happening, you can all be together in this. And that will be the most helpful thing of all.
My mother was in the middle of radiation and chemo when I left home to start college. It felt horrible to move away in the midst of all that, but she wanted my life to go on as scheduled.
Feel free to MeMail me if you have any questions about my experience with my mother's and grandmother's cancer.
posted by bassjump at 5:09 PM on June 16, 2010
Definitely let your mother know that you know. If you feel more comfortable doing this through your dad or your sister, then do so. You'll be best able to help if this is out in the open. Being able to talk (and cry) about things in advance of your visit will mean that you'll have one less pressure on you once you're there. I cry easily, too; try not to worry about that.
I don't know how to advise you on the money situation; that sounds like the kind of thing that the family will work out together as facts become clearer. When you visit, if she's recovering from surgery or going through treatments that are tough on her, be helpful with logistics. Some people want physical comfort (hugs, massage, etc.); other people are more comfortable with more concrete help (with making dinner, doing the dishes, cleaning the house, doing laundry, etc.). Some people want to talk about the cancer, their treatment, etc. and others would rather not share; listen if she wants to talk, but don't press too hard if she doesn't want to. Offer what you can depending on what is most appropriate for everyone's needs.
My story:
My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 17. She shoved us kids out of the house one day - the anniversary, two years to the day, of my grandmother's death from breast cancer – and didn't tell us why. When we got home that evening, she was in bed, which was very unusual. Before my parents could have their carefully planned talk with us, we had already seen a pamphlet - "Caring for Yourself After Surgery" - that they had accidentally on the kitchen counter. We were freaking out. Parents want to protect their kids, and in my experience it usually just adds to the stress.
It was only many years later, after my mom had been cancer-free for more than a decade, that I finally told her how hurt I'd been that she hadn't told us beforehand. She had her reasons and stands by them; I disagree with them and am strongly in favor of communication and openness. If everyone in the family knows what's happening, you can all be together in this. And that will be the most helpful thing of all.
My mother was in the middle of radiation and chemo when I left home to start college. It felt horrible to move away in the midst of all that, but she wanted my life to go on as scheduled.
Feel free to MeMail me if you have any questions about my experience with my mother's and grandmother's cancer.
posted by bassjump at 5:09 PM on June 16, 2010
Similar to The corpse in the library's post:
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. Her sister died from it a few years before, so needless to say it got everyone's attention right quick. Fortunately for my mom, however, it was very simple treatment-- a few radiation sessions followed by consistent monitoring for changes.
Had it not been for my aunt's death, everybody (mom included) would have probably forgotten about my mom's cancer by now. It's nothing to worry about unless it's something to worry about.
posted by holterbarbour at 5:25 PM on June 16, 2010
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. Her sister died from it a few years before, so needless to say it got everyone's attention right quick. Fortunately for my mom, however, it was very simple treatment-- a few radiation sessions followed by consistent monitoring for changes.
Had it not been for my aunt's death, everybody (mom included) would have probably forgotten about my mom's cancer by now. It's nothing to worry about unless it's something to worry about.
posted by holterbarbour at 5:25 PM on June 16, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks to everyone and their kind words. I called my mom and talked to her today. She said it's at stage 2a, which she said is still an early form of cancer. She's having her surgery later this week and will be getting treatments over the months.
She sounded in good spirits, given the circumstances, although I think it's partly to make me feel better about the situation. That's my mother, always trying to make everyone else around her feel better. I think I'm still in shock but will try to ways to visit and cheer up my parents more in the upcoming weeks.
posted by vocpanda at 5:28 PM on June 16, 2010
She sounded in good spirits, given the circumstances, although I think it's partly to make me feel better about the situation. That's my mother, always trying to make everyone else around her feel better. I think I'm still in shock but will try to ways to visit and cheer up my parents more in the upcoming weeks.
posted by vocpanda at 5:28 PM on June 16, 2010
Stage IIA is, considering we're talking about cancer, extremely good news. There's a 92% survival rate.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:34 PM on June 16, 2010
posted by shakespeherian at 7:34 PM on June 16, 2010
Meant to add, when my mom was diagnosed, she had IIA. She had a lumpectomy and nowadays she sees the doctor exactly once a year, and so far is completely free and clear.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:35 PM on June 16, 2010
posted by shakespeherian at 7:35 PM on June 16, 2010
Oh that's good news! 2a is not terrible.
My mom was in good spirits too (it sounds like our moms are similar). She's the family go-getter. I could tell, though, when she was down (I talk to her every day) and just let her know I was there.
As I said above - feel free to memail if you need someone to talk to about it.
posted by bibliogrrl at 8:43 PM on June 16, 2010
My mom was in good spirits too (it sounds like our moms are similar). She's the family go-getter. I could tell, though, when she was down (I talk to her every day) and just let her know I was there.
As I said above - feel free to memail if you need someone to talk to about it.
posted by bibliogrrl at 8:43 PM on June 16, 2010
When my mom was diagnosed (three years ago, she is doing great now!), her doctor gave her a copy of this book to read. After she read it, she gave it to me to read, and I really recommend it. Cancer (any cancer) is scary, and for me anyway, it really helped to be able to read as much as I could about breast cancer specifically... The book is a good overview of the different kinds of breast cancer and the various treatments available. It's written more for a patient, but I found it really helpful to understand the course of treatment, and it definitely gave me a better idea of what she was going through.
posted by everybody polka at 10:48 PM on June 16, 2010
posted by everybody polka at 10:48 PM on June 16, 2010
I'm coming at this as a cancer survivor not the child of someone with cancer but, let her guide you in how she wants to deal with it. Some people want to talk it out, others want to talk about anything other than their cancer. Some, like me, go back and forth between the two.
Cancer sucks. Even if it is early diagnosis, it sucks, it is life changing and scary. Please, don't ever tell her that it is "only" stage IIA. Sure, it isn't stage IV disease but it is frightening. If she wants statistics, help her find them, as they do vary dependent on the type of breast cancer she has. If she doesn't want to hear statistics that is fine as well.
As far as expenses there are organizations that will help with expenses of cancer patients. They won't pay for college for your sister but, could help your parents with other expenses. As for college, your sister can always find a job, or do work study, or take loans out, to get through it, millions of people do it every year without parents paying for it.
posted by SuzySmith at 2:58 AM on June 17, 2010
Cancer sucks. Even if it is early diagnosis, it sucks, it is life changing and scary. Please, don't ever tell her that it is "only" stage IIA. Sure, it isn't stage IV disease but it is frightening. If she wants statistics, help her find them, as they do vary dependent on the type of breast cancer she has. If she doesn't want to hear statistics that is fine as well.
As far as expenses there are organizations that will help with expenses of cancer patients. They won't pay for college for your sister but, could help your parents with other expenses. As for college, your sister can always find a job, or do work study, or take loans out, to get through it, millions of people do it every year without parents paying for it.
posted by SuzySmith at 2:58 AM on June 17, 2010
"Please, don't ever tell her that it is "only" stage IIA." I CAN'T AGREE WITH THIS MORE!
my mom had breast cancer, and you wouldn't BELIEVE the shit people said when they found out she had a lumpectomy & radiation as opposed to a masectomy. literally, like, "oh, you ONLY had a lumpectomy! well then." it totally came across as, "oh, you just have a touch of the cancers!" it's still fucking cancer -- aka, scary as hell.
my mom is fine now, going on 6 years :) echoing all the other advice to "follow her lead." it's the most loving and best support you could offer.
posted by crawfo at 8:35 AM on June 17, 2010
my mom had breast cancer, and you wouldn't BELIEVE the shit people said when they found out she had a lumpectomy & radiation as opposed to a masectomy. literally, like, "oh, you ONLY had a lumpectomy! well then." it totally came across as, "oh, you just have a touch of the cancers!" it's still fucking cancer -- aka, scary as hell.
my mom is fine now, going on 6 years :) echoing all the other advice to "follow her lead." it's the most loving and best support you could offer.
posted by crawfo at 8:35 AM on June 17, 2010
This is really scary, and I feel for you and your mom. When I found out one of my friends had breast cancer it was a huge shock, and took a large emotional tool on me, and on her and her husband I'm sure.
One thing to remember though is breast cancer does not automatically mean "doom". I certainly don't want to minimize the impact of the disease. As crawfo said above, any sort of cancer is a huge deal. A 92% survival rate from this stage of breast cancer means that 8% DO die, which is scary. And even the survivors have unpleasant treatments, lost work time, expensive medical bills, and huge amounts of stress to deal with. Certainly not "no big deal". Still, the odds are good that your mom will get through this, and I think a good attitude helps a lot. Try to be encouraging and exhibit a "We'll get through this, and you'll be ok. And I'm here for you during the tough time until it's over"-attitude. Although, as crawfo said, you'll need to somewhat follow her lead as to what's appropriate, and you know your mom a lot better than we do.
I've never dealt with cancer in someone as close to me as a parent, but I did ask MeFi for advice when my friend was enduring breast cancer treatment, and some of the answers I received may be of help to you.
posted by Vorteks at 12:30 PM on June 17, 2010
One thing to remember though is breast cancer does not automatically mean "doom". I certainly don't want to minimize the impact of the disease. As crawfo said above, any sort of cancer is a huge deal. A 92% survival rate from this stage of breast cancer means that 8% DO die, which is scary. And even the survivors have unpleasant treatments, lost work time, expensive medical bills, and huge amounts of stress to deal with. Certainly not "no big deal". Still, the odds are good that your mom will get through this, and I think a good attitude helps a lot. Try to be encouraging and exhibit a "We'll get through this, and you'll be ok. And I'm here for you during the tough time until it's over"-attitude. Although, as crawfo said, you'll need to somewhat follow her lead as to what's appropriate, and you know your mom a lot better than we do.
I've never dealt with cancer in someone as close to me as a parent, but I did ask MeFi for advice when my friend was enduring breast cancer treatment, and some of the answers I received may be of help to you.
posted by Vorteks at 12:30 PM on June 17, 2010
There's only one thing I can think of that will make you and/or your mother feel better: these people are good. Someone close to me was treated for cancer at Dana Farber in Boston. It is downright embarrassing how smart these people are. The nurses were as smart and educated as most MDs, and the nurses were idiots compared to the doctors.
But that's not exclusive to Dana Farber. Modern medical science is amazing. I had to Google it to find the exact phrasing, but I still remember this quote from an old Metafilter post: "any time medical science gives you survival odds, it is ALMOST BY DEFINITION better than the stated odds. because all those stats are based on people who were treated in the past, and you are being treated in the present or the future. 5 year survival stats? based on people treated 5 years ago! practically the stone age!"
This will be tough. Having to follow a loved one down this path was easily the toughest thing that I'd ever done in my life up until now, and I'm pretty sure it'll be the toughest thing I ever do, knock on wood. But there is a lot of hope to be found. Cancer acts all big and bad, but it's facing off against modern medical technology, a caring child, and doctors smarter than anyone you've ever met. I sure as hell wouldn't want to run into that tag team in a dark alley.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 6:05 PM on June 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
But that's not exclusive to Dana Farber. Modern medical science is amazing. I had to Google it to find the exact phrasing, but I still remember this quote from an old Metafilter post: "any time medical science gives you survival odds, it is ALMOST BY DEFINITION better than the stated odds. because all those stats are based on people who were treated in the past, and you are being treated in the present or the future. 5 year survival stats? based on people treated 5 years ago! practically the stone age!"
This will be tough. Having to follow a loved one down this path was easily the toughest thing that I'd ever done in my life up until now, and I'm pretty sure it'll be the toughest thing I ever do, knock on wood. But there is a lot of hope to be found. Cancer acts all big and bad, but it's facing off against modern medical technology, a caring child, and doctors smarter than anyone you've ever met. I sure as hell wouldn't want to run into that tag team in a dark alley.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 6:05 PM on June 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
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posted by vocpanda at 9:49 AM on June 16, 2010