down and out in a foreign land
June 15, 2010 11:45 PM Subscribe
Help me cope with the depression that's creeping up on me while I spend the summer in a foreign city, without access to therapy or self-help books.
Depression was a recurring theme for me through high school and college. For the past five years, however, I've been free of what i'd call "clinical depression," and it's been wonderful (though at times I've felt like I was only just escaping the clutches of the Sad Monster). I just spent a difficult, but busy and content, six months away from my fiance (Mr.F) while he did a creative project halfway across the world. I trudged along through grad school and filled my schedule to the brim--spin classes every morning, exciting internship, extra units in school, lots of time with friends, etc. Aside from Mr.F being gone and trying to make a relationship work while managing a 12-hour time difference, life was great. With the end of the school year, I came to join Mr.F in the foreign country for the summer. I don't speak the language, don't know anyone but him and his acquaintances, and have ended up working for a place where no one really talks to me and I don't have a long-term project to work on there (or, really, any project). Mr.F and I are fighting a lot, and I don't feel like i have the clear-headedness necessary to have a meaningful discussion with him. Since I don't know anyone, I am dying for his help in keeping me from falling down the rabbit hole, but just end up yelling at him for not being supportive when he gives me fix-it tips. As I said, 12-hour time difference, so calling up friends or gchatting or what have you is tricky to do. I joined a gym, but women working out in this country is somewhat uncommon, and I get a lot of unwanted looks--doesn't keep me from the gym, but it makes working out a bit stressful. It feels like every trip outside the house is another chance to be defeated--getting hustled by the fruit salesmen, getting yelled at by an old lady for failing to understand street etiquette, getting charged a ridiculous amount for a taxi ride because I'm a foreigner, getting ignored again at work, etc. I'm trying to make friends with nationals at work and other expats, but am finding this a very different experience than making friends before--expats are wary of me (i'm really not intimidating in any way), and nationals are intimidated about speaking English, so they gravitate towards other nationals. I've got an important application process I need to be working on, but can't muster the energy to complete due to general overwhelmed-ness.
Whine, whine, whine. Point is, psychotherapy isn't on the radar yet here (still a developing country), and ordering books from amazon would take months, if they'd ship here, so i need another way to get through this summer without ending up in the fetal position in bed, having destroyed my relationship. Mr.F can't fix me; i know this. How do I: 1) back off a bit from Mr.F and stop taking my frustration with myself out on him and our relationship, 2) keep myself buoyed up here without much of a support structure, 3) feel less defeated about making friends when my experiences in that arena haven't been very positive thus far? I would also welcome tips from people who have struggled when they first landed in a new country but made their way out of it, and tips on self-help resources on the internet and in podcast form that I could access without having a book shipped to me.
ps: yes, i'm trying to learn the language, but it's a new alphabet, so it's a slow process. yes, i know this is just a tough thing, to move to a foreign country where you don't know people, but taking it easy on myself has gotten and will get me nowhere.
Depression was a recurring theme for me through high school and college. For the past five years, however, I've been free of what i'd call "clinical depression," and it's been wonderful (though at times I've felt like I was only just escaping the clutches of the Sad Monster). I just spent a difficult, but busy and content, six months away from my fiance (Mr.F) while he did a creative project halfway across the world. I trudged along through grad school and filled my schedule to the brim--spin classes every morning, exciting internship, extra units in school, lots of time with friends, etc. Aside from Mr.F being gone and trying to make a relationship work while managing a 12-hour time difference, life was great. With the end of the school year, I came to join Mr.F in the foreign country for the summer. I don't speak the language, don't know anyone but him and his acquaintances, and have ended up working for a place where no one really talks to me and I don't have a long-term project to work on there (or, really, any project). Mr.F and I are fighting a lot, and I don't feel like i have the clear-headedness necessary to have a meaningful discussion with him. Since I don't know anyone, I am dying for his help in keeping me from falling down the rabbit hole, but just end up yelling at him for not being supportive when he gives me fix-it tips. As I said, 12-hour time difference, so calling up friends or gchatting or what have you is tricky to do. I joined a gym, but women working out in this country is somewhat uncommon, and I get a lot of unwanted looks--doesn't keep me from the gym, but it makes working out a bit stressful. It feels like every trip outside the house is another chance to be defeated--getting hustled by the fruit salesmen, getting yelled at by an old lady for failing to understand street etiquette, getting charged a ridiculous amount for a taxi ride because I'm a foreigner, getting ignored again at work, etc. I'm trying to make friends with nationals at work and other expats, but am finding this a very different experience than making friends before--expats are wary of me (i'm really not intimidating in any way), and nationals are intimidated about speaking English, so they gravitate towards other nationals. I've got an important application process I need to be working on, but can't muster the energy to complete due to general overwhelmed-ness.
Whine, whine, whine. Point is, psychotherapy isn't on the radar yet here (still a developing country), and ordering books from amazon would take months, if they'd ship here, so i need another way to get through this summer without ending up in the fetal position in bed, having destroyed my relationship. Mr.F can't fix me; i know this. How do I: 1) back off a bit from Mr.F and stop taking my frustration with myself out on him and our relationship, 2) keep myself buoyed up here without much of a support structure, 3) feel less defeated about making friends when my experiences in that arena haven't been very positive thus far? I would also welcome tips from people who have struggled when they first landed in a new country but made their way out of it, and tips on self-help resources on the internet and in podcast form that I could access without having a book shipped to me.
ps: yes, i'm trying to learn the language, but it's a new alphabet, so it's a slow process. yes, i know this is just a tough thing, to move to a foreign country where you don't know people, but taking it easy on myself has gotten and will get me nowhere.
Did being with friends and exercising help you before? It seems that you've started to put that system in place where you are now, but could use a leg-up on finding people to hang out with. If you try meetup, couchsurfing, expat forums, etc., I am confident you can find a more international and more open-minded crowd to keep you busy and make you feel welcome. Step outside of the work crowd, for sure; some places just have bad environments for work-friendship.
Also, women may not exercise at the gym where you are, but they probably do some other more culturally accepted physical activity. Ask the women you do know where they are going, and how they deal with the intimidation, if any. (Is it also possible people stare because you look very different from them?) There must have been someone who arranged your move and working papers who can help with daily-life questions. Or, get Mr. F to ask the people who he works with, and has been with a longer time...
Good luck, and please try to enjoy the country too while you are at it...
posted by whatzit at 12:21 AM on June 16, 2010
Also, women may not exercise at the gym where you are, but they probably do some other more culturally accepted physical activity. Ask the women you do know where they are going, and how they deal with the intimidation, if any. (Is it also possible people stare because you look very different from them?) There must have been someone who arranged your move and working papers who can help with daily-life questions. Or, get Mr. F to ask the people who he works with, and has been with a longer time...
Good luck, and please try to enjoy the country too while you are at it...
posted by whatzit at 12:21 AM on June 16, 2010
There are a lot of self-help books in torrent form. I can't recommend one but if it's popular, there's a good chance it's available. if you don't have a preferred torrent site just "[name of book] torrent". A workbook might be helpful even if that's something you might typically find lame.
Also, even if you can't see a therapist, you can still pay someone to talk to you. For instance, you could find a beauty salon and get regular manicures. Many people find that soothing. You might even get lucky and find someone who can speak a bit of English.
posted by acidic at 1:24 AM on June 16, 2010
Also, even if you can't see a therapist, you can still pay someone to talk to you. For instance, you could find a beauty salon and get regular manicures. Many people find that soothing. You might even get lucky and find someone who can speak a bit of English.
posted by acidic at 1:24 AM on June 16, 2010
Wander around. Go shopping. Challenge yourself to learn how to cook with the new ingredients you can get locally.
If I were in your position I would try to take a walk every afternoon. Rejoice in the opportunity to explore your neighborhood for the first time and all the new things you get to learn about. The sunshine and fresh air will be good for you (assuming you aren't in some kind of urban factory town), and the exercise will give you a little endorphine boost.
Try to look on the bright side. Sit down and make a list if you need something to refer back to when you get really down. You could be stuck in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. Instead you are in a new country with a whole new culture to explore, a new language to challenge you, and a chance to broaden your horizons.
I completely understand your position, and I know how lonely it can be in a new place where the only person you can communicate with is starting to really get on your nerves. All I can tell you is that it's great that you're fighting your depression, and to keep up the good work. Don't give up.
posted by TooFewShoes at 1:25 AM on June 16, 2010
If I were in your position I would try to take a walk every afternoon. Rejoice in the opportunity to explore your neighborhood for the first time and all the new things you get to learn about. The sunshine and fresh air will be good for you (assuming you aren't in some kind of urban factory town), and the exercise will give you a little endorphine boost.
Try to look on the bright side. Sit down and make a list if you need something to refer back to when you get really down. You could be stuck in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. Instead you are in a new country with a whole new culture to explore, a new language to challenge you, and a chance to broaden your horizons.
I completely understand your position, and I know how lonely it can be in a new place where the only person you can communicate with is starting to really get on your nerves. All I can tell you is that it's great that you're fighting your depression, and to keep up the good work. Don't give up.
posted by TooFewShoes at 1:25 AM on June 16, 2010
It sounds to me like you're lonely and you're relying on just one person to bring you out of it; placing pressure on you and extra pressure on him. Not wanting to diminish your fears of depression, but a social life might well get you out of it and give you the boost you need.
I'd persevere with the expat thing. The expat community will be strange, and can feel a bit like a village within a city. But given the language gap the expats are more likely to provide social interaction than the locals in the short term (and you are only there in the short term).
Places to find expats and anglophones include online groups and blogs, couchsurfing, and of course Irish bars. If there's no english bookshop, hostels and Internet cafes quite often act as traveller hubs with book exchanges.
posted by handee at 1:26 AM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'd persevere with the expat thing. The expat community will be strange, and can feel a bit like a village within a city. But given the language gap the expats are more likely to provide social interaction than the locals in the short term (and you are only there in the short term).
Places to find expats and anglophones include online groups and blogs, couchsurfing, and of course Irish bars. If there's no english bookshop, hostels and Internet cafes quite often act as traveller hubs with book exchanges.
posted by handee at 1:26 AM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Could you name the city? It is quite likely that someone here has local knowledge that would be relevant. I know that if you were having a terrible time in my city, I wouldn't hold it against you.
As a concrete suggestion, it sounds as though you are really suffering from lack of close personal contact with nice people. Can you offer conversational English sessions? Maybe for free, or in exchange for the local language? Lots of people want to practise their English on a native speaker.
This way you get to:
- meet people
- help them
- be the expert
- create reciprocal obligation
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:31 AM on June 16, 2010
As a concrete suggestion, it sounds as though you are really suffering from lack of close personal contact with nice people. Can you offer conversational English sessions? Maybe for free, or in exchange for the local language? Lots of people want to practise their English on a native speaker.
This way you get to:
- meet people
- help them
- be the expert
- create reciprocal obligation
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:31 AM on June 16, 2010
What you need to do RIGHTNOW is give yourself some mad credit! So you're saying that you A) overcame fairly severe depression for the past five years, B) formed a relationship with Mr. F. (who, BTW, is away a lot) that is now worthy of engagement status,C) got through grad school with your schedule "filled to the brim" and succeeded, D) moved to a foreign country where you aren't fluent in the language, and E) go the the gym and F) reach out to women whose culture you aren't familiar with while you're there and G) All of this in a developing country!
I'm utterly amazed and inspired by all that you have managed to do, know, and fill your life with. You're incredible. I know sometimes it's hard to be like "I'M AWESOME!!" when you're literally in the midst of nine million challenges, all of which you could have avoided by making a "safer" choice. But you know what? You are awesome. And you are the kind of person who makes the world a better place, by being so willing to reach out to, well, all of us.
In answer to your actual questions, first of all, have you tried talking (TALKING) to Mr. F. about this? I would think, given the situation, that he would be rather forgiving. After all, I"m getting that you moved halfway across the world for him. I understand that the fights would certainly happen, but surely he can tell you're trying? I'm also assuming (large assumption here) that Mr. F. knows of your history with depression and took that into account when you both (right?) made the decision for you to join him. If so, then (to be concise) rational conversation between the two of you reminding him of that. If not, then....eeessshhh.. you both still need a calm, cool conversation, but I can see how that would be far harder to initiate. But you're going to marry this guy, right?
Clear-headed-ness? You cannot possibly be expected to be the sharpest you've ever been. Look at all the things your brain is processing at once. (or in quick succession). I think the best thing for you to do right now is A) remember you are exceptional and B) maybe quit holding yourself to such gigantic standards. Next time you go to the gym, for instance, don't even bother yourself with making friends. You're doing what you do. Other people can like it or not. And that goes for ANYONE - I don't care what country they're a native of. Alternately, scratch the gym off your list and get talking with that old lady who gets shitty about your etiquette. I am willing to bet that letting yourself breathe for awhile is going to get you through until you can get to therapy, have books arrive, etc.
I cannot stress this enough - what you are doing is amazing. I wish you all the best, and I should also let you know that you've indirectly answered a question I had, too (security vs. risk). Now go have a beer! :)
posted by deep thought sunstar at 1:36 AM on June 16, 2010 [16 favorites]
I'm utterly amazed and inspired by all that you have managed to do, know, and fill your life with. You're incredible. I know sometimes it's hard to be like "I'M AWESOME!!" when you're literally in the midst of nine million challenges, all of which you could have avoided by making a "safer" choice. But you know what? You are awesome. And you are the kind of person who makes the world a better place, by being so willing to reach out to, well, all of us.
In answer to your actual questions, first of all, have you tried talking (TALKING) to Mr. F. about this? I would think, given the situation, that he would be rather forgiving. After all, I"m getting that you moved halfway across the world for him. I understand that the fights would certainly happen, but surely he can tell you're trying? I'm also assuming (large assumption here) that Mr. F. knows of your history with depression and took that into account when you both (right?) made the decision for you to join him. If so, then (to be concise) rational conversation between the two of you reminding him of that. If not, then....eeessshhh.. you both still need a calm, cool conversation, but I can see how that would be far harder to initiate. But you're going to marry this guy, right?
Clear-headed-ness? You cannot possibly be expected to be the sharpest you've ever been. Look at all the things your brain is processing at once. (or in quick succession). I think the best thing for you to do right now is A) remember you are exceptional and B) maybe quit holding yourself to such gigantic standards. Next time you go to the gym, for instance, don't even bother yourself with making friends. You're doing what you do. Other people can like it or not. And that goes for ANYONE - I don't care what country they're a native of. Alternately, scratch the gym off your list and get talking with that old lady who gets shitty about your etiquette. I am willing to bet that letting yourself breathe for awhile is going to get you through until you can get to therapy, have books arrive, etc.
I cannot stress this enough - what you are doing is amazing. I wish you all the best, and I should also let you know that you've indirectly answered a question I had, too (security vs. risk). Now go have a beer! :)
posted by deep thought sunstar at 1:36 AM on June 16, 2010 [16 favorites]
Sounds like you are an American in Asia! Welcome! Did you get your conical hat and visit a waterfall yet?
You have Culture Shock(tm). Repeat after me: "I have culture shock." You don't need psychotherapy or self-help books. You have culture shock.
But it's okay! It happens to everybody. Asia is fucking weird and it's going to get to you and there's not much you can do about it. Your friends and family and people on the internet are all going to give you dumb advice because they don't understand. Nobody will, unless they've done what you're doing. Lie in bed, watch TV, drink yourself into a stupor sometimes and it will go away.
I know this doesn't help much, but trust me, you'll get over it very soon. Probably overnight. And then everything will be awesome and you'll feel like a damn superhero, for the rest of your life. I've gone through this about half a dozen times and I'm totally willing to talk about it, so if you'd like to shoot me an email it's in my profile.
Good luck!
P.S. If you're in Southeast Asia, go rent a motorbike and learn how to ride it. Right now. It'll probably fix everything.
posted by borkingchikapa at 1:50 AM on June 16, 2010 [10 favorites]
You have Culture Shock(tm). Repeat after me: "I have culture shock." You don't need psychotherapy or self-help books. You have culture shock.
But it's okay! It happens to everybody. Asia is fucking weird and it's going to get to you and there's not much you can do about it. Your friends and family and people on the internet are all going to give you dumb advice because they don't understand. Nobody will, unless they've done what you're doing. Lie in bed, watch TV, drink yourself into a stupor sometimes and it will go away.
I know this doesn't help much, but trust me, you'll get over it very soon. Probably overnight. And then everything will be awesome and you'll feel like a damn superhero, for the rest of your life. I've gone through this about half a dozen times and I'm totally willing to talk about it, so if you'd like to shoot me an email it's in my profile.
Good luck!
P.S. If you're in Southeast Asia, go rent a motorbike and learn how to ride it. Right now. It'll probably fix everything.
posted by borkingchikapa at 1:50 AM on June 16, 2010 [10 favorites]
Ok...this is the ONLY time I can say this, but since you are in dire circumstances without the option of therapy, may I recommend that you ....GET PISSED OFF!!!!!
Look, you're getting dissed by the fruit woman! Your boyfriend can't help you, you are adrift in a foreign land. Let me relate to you the power of anger. Anger exists to buoy you up when there is nothing else to help you. Who are these freaks who would disrespect you just for existing?! Why can't you go for a walk , or to the gym without a bunch of baloney grumbling?!
Get mad!!! You are you! You have no problem with these people, yet they give you crap!!! You are just trying to get along in a strange land, why are they so MEAN!!!
I'm not trying to be facetious, but sometimes anger has a place. If you can't join them, beat them, and get mad!!! Be proud, do what you do, apologize to no one and be your bad self. Get mad, stop feeling bad, see how many people you can piss off, and go home.
It beats the hell out of being sorry.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:43 AM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Look, you're getting dissed by the fruit woman! Your boyfriend can't help you, you are adrift in a foreign land. Let me relate to you the power of anger. Anger exists to buoy you up when there is nothing else to help you. Who are these freaks who would disrespect you just for existing?! Why can't you go for a walk , or to the gym without a bunch of baloney grumbling?!
Get mad!!! You are you! You have no problem with these people, yet they give you crap!!! You are just trying to get along in a strange land, why are they so MEAN!!!
I'm not trying to be facetious, but sometimes anger has a place. If you can't join them, beat them, and get mad!!! Be proud, do what you do, apologize to no one and be your bad self. Get mad, stop feeling bad, see how many people you can piss off, and go home.
It beats the hell out of being sorry.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:43 AM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
I've never tried it, but I've seen a site called MoodGym mentioned here many times.
I don't know where you're located so this might not be relevant, but have you searched communities like CouchSurfing for your area? Often people sign up there not only to host travelers but also to show people around the area, hang out with them, etc. There are other online travelers communities as well, which might give you a way to meet more people, whether travelers coming through or expats who'll give you more of a chance.
Come to think of it, do you have any idea what is making the local expats "wary"?
posted by trig at 2:59 AM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't know where you're located so this might not be relevant, but have you searched communities like CouchSurfing for your area? Often people sign up there not only to host travelers but also to show people around the area, hang out with them, etc. There are other online travelers communities as well, which might give you a way to meet more people, whether travelers coming through or expats who'll give you more of a chance.
Come to think of it, do you have any idea what is making the local expats "wary"?
posted by trig at 2:59 AM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
You need your own friends and to be around people in a somewhat similar situation.
I highly recommend you take a course in the language - preferably with a private tutor, and with a small group of people. This will help you find other foreigners who have the same language skills as you, and, most importantly: you will probably be able to relate to them. Which is, I suspect, exactly what you need. Through the tutor you might meet other nationals. If you do want to meet nationals, consider advertising on Craigslist for a tandem learning partner. Learning some of the local language is a good idea anyway, and will also really improve your experience with the locals.
posted by molecicco at 3:20 AM on June 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
I highly recommend you take a course in the language - preferably with a private tutor, and with a small group of people. This will help you find other foreigners who have the same language skills as you, and, most importantly: you will probably be able to relate to them. Which is, I suspect, exactly what you need. Through the tutor you might meet other nationals. If you do want to meet nationals, consider advertising on Craigslist for a tandem learning partner. Learning some of the local language is a good idea anyway, and will also really improve your experience with the locals.
posted by molecicco at 3:20 AM on June 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'd recommend long walks or hikes with minimal other activities forced in. Take water and food, aim for something naturally beautiful and safe. If you find a nice place, it doesn't matter if you walk there and back every day. It is enough. Walks give you time to think through your stuff, some acclimation to surrounding culture and a purpose for the day. Also cyclical depressive thoughts don't have so strong hold when your surroundings keep changing and your body needs to concentrate on moving.
posted by Free word order! at 3:41 AM on June 16, 2010
posted by Free word order! at 3:41 AM on June 16, 2010
Got it. You're in a foreign country for a period of time and yet you're neither traveling nor working/studying. All the other foreigners fall into one category or the other and you're in limbo expecting your bf to bail you out. You can't relate to the other expats.
You have to come up with a project on your own. There must be something in the culture that intrigues you. What would interest you at home? Find the equivalent there and investigate. Do it with the end goal of writing a blog about it. Or maybe an article in your hometown newspaper. Don't be afraid of making mistakes. All foreigners are perceived as somewhat crazy. Along the way you'll learn some of the language, get some exercise, get to really really know the area you are staying in.
Another option could be volunteering with a NGO based nearby or informally teaching English to little kids.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 5:29 AM on June 16, 2010
You have to come up with a project on your own. There must be something in the culture that intrigues you. What would interest you at home? Find the equivalent there and investigate. Do it with the end goal of writing a blog about it. Or maybe an article in your hometown newspaper. Don't be afraid of making mistakes. All foreigners are perceived as somewhat crazy. Along the way you'll learn some of the language, get some exercise, get to really really know the area you are staying in.
Another option could be volunteering with a NGO based nearby or informally teaching English to little kids.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 5:29 AM on June 16, 2010
(Posted too soon) Do you have a camera? What is something unusual about the city you are in? Colorful painted busses? Stacks of exotic fruit in the markets? Billboards requiring the locals to be polite to foreign visitors? Signs in three languages? Concentrate on one subject and get out there.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 5:34 AM on June 16, 2010
posted by TWinbrook8 at 5:34 AM on June 16, 2010
You can't relate to the other expats.
This. Exactly. I was in rural Korea for 2.5 years in an expat community where the rest of the women were career housewives and mothers. The first thing a person would ask me upon meeting me was "Who does your husband work for." It was a difficult change for an independent and outspoken woman. Luckily, in my last year there had some old friend serendipitously move to a nearby town to teach English and finally I had People To Relate To®.
I started taking taekwondo which made me feel tough and let me work out all my aggression. I didn't have a car so going to the next town was often difficult, but I would walk as far as I could get, and I started tutoring Korean teens in English and photography. I didn't feel at all like I could relate to the women in the community, but I could relate to some Koreans who gave me helpful insight into the language and culture.
But yeah, it took a looooong time to get there. Also, my partner and I came to realize that at least one weekend every month we had to get out of the country and visit a city like Seoul or Busan to keep out sanity.
posted by Brittanie at 6:00 AM on June 16, 2010
This. Exactly. I was in rural Korea for 2.5 years in an expat community where the rest of the women were career housewives and mothers. The first thing a person would ask me upon meeting me was "Who does your husband work for." It was a difficult change for an independent and outspoken woman. Luckily, in my last year there had some old friend serendipitously move to a nearby town to teach English and finally I had People To Relate To®.
I started taking taekwondo which made me feel tough and let me work out all my aggression. I didn't have a car so going to the next town was often difficult, but I would walk as far as I could get, and I started tutoring Korean teens in English and photography. I didn't feel at all like I could relate to the women in the community, but I could relate to some Koreans who gave me helpful insight into the language and culture.
But yeah, it took a looooong time to get there. Also, my partner and I came to realize that at least one weekend every month we had to get out of the country and visit a city like Seoul or Busan to keep out sanity.
posted by Brittanie at 6:00 AM on June 16, 2010
My family has spent time outside of the US several times. One of the things that my parents have done to meet people was to belong to an organization called SERVAS. SERVAS is one of those "world peace through world friendship" deals where you interview with members, pay a nominal membership fee and get a listing of people in the area who would be willing to either host you for a visit or just spend an afternoon together. The people involved tend to be very nice and genuinely interested in meeting people. I don't know if they have a presence where you're living now, but it is a good way to meet people.
Living abroad is hard but it does get easier over time.
Keep on trying with the language - let your neighbors know that you're trying to learn, ask them vocabulary questions, engage them.
posted by sciencegeek at 6:31 AM on June 16, 2010
Living abroad is hard but it does get easier over time.
Keep on trying with the language - let your neighbors know that you're trying to learn, ask them vocabulary questions, engage them.
posted by sciencegeek at 6:31 AM on June 16, 2010
Can't say I have completely figured this one out either myself, but would say I'm making some progress and can totally relate to how you're feeling at the moment. I'd like to nth others (molecicco et al) and say joining a group, or finding a language exchange partner could really help. I joined a volunteer group run by locals focused on teaching foreigners the language and it really did make a difference. I met other expats, and kind internationally-oriented locals this way and really made me feel like I was accomplishing something as well.
posted by ultrabuff at 7:25 AM on June 16, 2010
posted by ultrabuff at 7:25 AM on June 16, 2010
Nthing walking around and taking awesome pictures.
Also there is likely an NGO or charity that could use your help. Could you invest yourself into that charity? I bet that seeing the problems of others and trying to help them would be beneficial.
posted by k8t at 8:01 AM on June 16, 2010
Also there is likely an NGO or charity that could use your help. Could you invest yourself into that charity? I bet that seeing the problems of others and trying to help them would be beneficial.
posted by k8t at 8:01 AM on June 16, 2010
Are you me, last summer? This is such a similar question to what I could have written last summer, it's mind-boggling. I really really relate to how you're feeling. Please feel free to MeMail me if you want someone to listen.
I made it through with the help of some other students from my graduate program. Can you get your alumni association (of your grad school AND college) to hook you up with any graduates in the area? That might provide a good common ground as a starting point.
Good luck! I hope you're feeling better soon.
posted by emkelley at 8:41 AM on June 16, 2010
I made it through with the help of some other students from my graduate program. Can you get your alumni association (of your grad school AND college) to hook you up with any graduates in the area? That might provide a good common ground as a starting point.
Good luck! I hope you're feeling better soon.
posted by emkelley at 8:41 AM on June 16, 2010
I would also very much be interested in hearing where you are - you mentioned "developing country" and "new alphabet", so I'm guessing SE Asia?? I'm in a developed Asian country going through the adjusting-as-a-foreigner transition myself at the moment, but I have found a few things that have helped. Learning the language has helped me a bit...I'm not very good, but most locals are still impressed that I'm at least making an honest effort. It also keeps me busy. Try to find a language-exchange partner to help with this if possible.
Another thing that often helps me: getting into "tourist mode" and documenting my life in a new country. If you're into photography, go on some photo excursions. If you're into writing, start a travel blog documenting your day-to-day life. If you put your work online, it can also be a great way to share your experiences with everyone.
I would also suggest focusing on getting out of the house and getting involved with something. Have you looked into a site called couchsurfing? I'm active on there and have to say it's been a lifesaver the last couple of times that I moved. If you live in or near a major city, chances are that there is a local group there that organizes regular meetups - it's a great way to meet other expats and younger English-speaking locals. There might be other online options for meeting people (e.g. Meetup.com, Craigslist, etc) depending on your location. The previous suggestion by k8t is also a good one, particularly if you're in a developing country - find a local NGO or charity the could use your help.
Hope this helps a bit! If you have any questions, feel free to MeMail me.
posted by photo guy at 8:47 AM on June 16, 2010
Another thing that often helps me: getting into "tourist mode" and documenting my life in a new country. If you're into photography, go on some photo excursions. If you're into writing, start a travel blog documenting your day-to-day life. If you put your work online, it can also be a great way to share your experiences with everyone.
I would also suggest focusing on getting out of the house and getting involved with something. Have you looked into a site called couchsurfing? I'm active on there and have to say it's been a lifesaver the last couple of times that I moved. If you live in or near a major city, chances are that there is a local group there that organizes regular meetups - it's a great way to meet other expats and younger English-speaking locals. There might be other online options for meeting people (e.g. Meetup.com, Craigslist, etc) depending on your location. The previous suggestion by k8t is also a good one, particularly if you're in a developing country - find a local NGO or charity the could use your help.
Hope this helps a bit! If you have any questions, feel free to MeMail me.
posted by photo guy at 8:47 AM on June 16, 2010
Response by poster: Having never posted a question before, I'm totally amazed by the response! Thank you so much for all your help. I'm hesitant to pick a favorite, since so many of them are great. Per the location questions: I'm living in a tiny former soviet nation, in the capital city, and saying where would basically erase all my remaining anonymity to another foreigner who lived here. I feel a lot better and much more hopeful for a solution already from reading these.
posted by charlemagne at 9:32 AM on June 16, 2010
posted by charlemagne at 9:32 AM on June 16, 2010
I'd like to chime in on Team Culture Shock. It's not that you might not have other issues. But if you've only been in a foreign country for a relatively short while, you almost certainly have culture shock too. It basically always happens because culture is too much a part of one's reality, and when reality doesn't work like it's supposed to, it's very unsettling. Given your history of depression, you could well be sinking back down for a time, but a useful way to proceed would be to assume that this is just culture shock, dust off the perseverance you previously learned by living through depression, and push forward with the understanding that you're in an inevitable but temporary phase. Eventually, if you stay long enough, you'll enter the acceptance phase and develop a level of familiarity that defangs the unsettled feeling. Also recognize that pain is growth and growth is pain. You're going through a rich experience here, and are going to be enriched because of it. The pain is part of it!
One thing you can do that will help a great deal is to learn at least the rudiments of the language. Until you do you're cut off and captive. You may not have time to become fluent, but you can learn enough in a single day to make a difference, and more each day after.
If you've been there for months and have made efforts to normalize your surroundings and you still feel down, you'll need to try something different. But for now the mere knowledge that this is normal and temporary may give you a sense of control and coming relief that can make day to day management less stressful and worrying.
posted by Askr at 12:02 PM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
One thing you can do that will help a great deal is to learn at least the rudiments of the language. Until you do you're cut off and captive. You may not have time to become fluent, but you can learn enough in a single day to make a difference, and more each day after.
If you've been there for months and have made efforts to normalize your surroundings and you still feel down, you'll need to try something different. But for now the mere knowledge that this is normal and temporary may give you a sense of control and coming relief that can make day to day management less stressful and worrying.
posted by Askr at 12:02 PM on June 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Nthing that some of this is just culture shock and will get better soon.
Do you have time to volunteer as a tutor/conversational partner in an English language school? Having a commitment to go to a "job" on a regular schedule can really help give your life structure and short-term purpose, and it will help you get some much-needed social interaction with people who would welcome the opportunity to make friends with a native English speaker. Or you might try putting up an ad in the local English language bookstore/newsstand to exchange English tutoring/conversation practice for [local language] tutoring/conversation practice.
You say you are learning the language -- are you studying on your own or are you taking classes? If you're not taking classes, sign up for classes. Again, this will give your life some structure and will give you an opportunity to meet people. Students taking a [local language] class are probably going through many of the same difficulties and would welcome a new friendship with a study buddy.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:11 PM on June 16, 2010
Do you have time to volunteer as a tutor/conversational partner in an English language school? Having a commitment to go to a "job" on a regular schedule can really help give your life structure and short-term purpose, and it will help you get some much-needed social interaction with people who would welcome the opportunity to make friends with a native English speaker. Or you might try putting up an ad in the local English language bookstore/newsstand to exchange English tutoring/conversation practice for [local language] tutoring/conversation practice.
You say you are learning the language -- are you studying on your own or are you taking classes? If you're not taking classes, sign up for classes. Again, this will give your life some structure and will give you an opportunity to meet people. Students taking a [local language] class are probably going through many of the same difficulties and would welcome a new friendship with a study buddy.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:11 PM on June 16, 2010
Since you are only there for the summer, short-term projects will probably suit better than many deep culture-immersion ideas. To keep occupied, I would create a (paper or electronic) journal for the duration, where I would post photos, info, anecdotes, and language learning progress. As for language, I would concentrate on "sign" language (street signs), menu and grocery items, advertising, billboard text -- everyday sort of stuff: shoe, hat, eat, look, run, tomorrow, rain, sun. You aren't going to learn the language in two or three months, so unless you plan to continue studying it once you return home, I'd go for learning the alphabet, numbers, months, time, the most common "please," "thank you," and basic functioning phrases (how to buy a bus ticket; ask where the bathroom is; order a beer/sandwich; ask if someone speaks English), plus food names, street signs (words for "stop," "go," "open," "closed," "street," "bus," etc.).
Take photos of the items that represent the words you've learned and upload them or paste them to your travel journal, and save tickets, maps, and other ephemera to include, for fun.
Also, turn your thoughts to whatever interests you, and document cultural differences and similarities, and perhaps history. Music? Architecture? Fashion? You can do a little on-site researching and photo-documenting of whatever you tend to involve yourself with at home. Handicrafts? Theatre? Street art? Cooking? Go for it.
Have a look in the book shops even if they don't have English language books - you might want to pick up a calendar, phone book, or something, and if there is a famous local author who has been translated to English, you will find his/her books in English in many shops. If you did want to order books, Amazon UK is probably your best bet, and probably a lot quicker than you'd think. My solution was to become an e-book reader, myself - but that's a whole 'nother long conversation. You can memail me if you are interested in learning more.
If you like dogs, you can check with the expats you know to see if anyone (or a friend of a friend) is involved with a shelter, and if you can volunteer for dogwalking duty. (The country where you are, I'm guessing, has very little in the way of animal welfare organizations compared to some places like the U.S. or U.K., and you are quite likely to find expat animal lovers heavily involved in what does exist, or they are probably even very likely to be the people who established those organizations.) I personally love a long walk with an eager doggy to keep dark thoughts at bay.
For friends, the people who are most likely to be most warm and understanding are the local people around your age who have lived abroad (usually for school); they understand what it's like to be mostly on your own in the beginning, in a foreign place with a different culture and different language. Most will probably be eager to offer a little hospitality, company, and the odd helping hand, if you meet and speak with any of them. And when you return home, you'll want to pay it forward. :)
Don't worry about the mean lady, etc. You won't be there long enough for that to really wear off, I'm guessing - but trust me, if you stayed, you would get over it and have a hearty laugh at yourself down the road. I used to think I couldn't even go to the supermarket without coming home and crying (from the mean, mean, people), and this is hilarious to me now. You're just in a kind of extended emotional jet lag due to fairly significant and jolting cultural quake. You're not crazy! It's real! Little things like differences in degrees of personal space, market negotiations (trying to buy something), and what seems to be rude staring, etc., all takes it toll, and it's not surprising that you're feeling a little raw right now. Realize that you are normal, but that all this would seem perfectly natural and non-threatening someday if you stayed, and try to let it go as lightly as you are able. Look for some of the cool things there that you probably don't have at home: bread shops, patisseries, sidewalk cafes where you can sit as long as you like; outdoor vegetable markets or large bazaars; shops or booths selling hand made items like sandals or textiles or other handmade goods that have been wiped out by globalization in the West... seek out the things and experiences that you can no longer find where you live. These are the jewels that you will treasure after you've returned home.
Good luck!
posted by taz at 1:07 AM on June 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
Take photos of the items that represent the words you've learned and upload them or paste them to your travel journal, and save tickets, maps, and other ephemera to include, for fun.
Also, turn your thoughts to whatever interests you, and document cultural differences and similarities, and perhaps history. Music? Architecture? Fashion? You can do a little on-site researching and photo-documenting of whatever you tend to involve yourself with at home. Handicrafts? Theatre? Street art? Cooking? Go for it.
Have a look in the book shops even if they don't have English language books - you might want to pick up a calendar, phone book, or something, and if there is a famous local author who has been translated to English, you will find his/her books in English in many shops. If you did want to order books, Amazon UK is probably your best bet, and probably a lot quicker than you'd think. My solution was to become an e-book reader, myself - but that's a whole 'nother long conversation. You can memail me if you are interested in learning more.
If you like dogs, you can check with the expats you know to see if anyone (or a friend of a friend) is involved with a shelter, and if you can volunteer for dogwalking duty. (The country where you are, I'm guessing, has very little in the way of animal welfare organizations compared to some places like the U.S. or U.K., and you are quite likely to find expat animal lovers heavily involved in what does exist, or they are probably even very likely to be the people who established those organizations.) I personally love a long walk with an eager doggy to keep dark thoughts at bay.
For friends, the people who are most likely to be most warm and understanding are the local people around your age who have lived abroad (usually for school); they understand what it's like to be mostly on your own in the beginning, in a foreign place with a different culture and different language. Most will probably be eager to offer a little hospitality, company, and the odd helping hand, if you meet and speak with any of them. And when you return home, you'll want to pay it forward. :)
Don't worry about the mean lady, etc. You won't be there long enough for that to really wear off, I'm guessing - but trust me, if you stayed, you would get over it and have a hearty laugh at yourself down the road. I used to think I couldn't even go to the supermarket without coming home and crying (from the mean, mean, people), and this is hilarious to me now. You're just in a kind of extended emotional jet lag due to fairly significant and jolting cultural quake. You're not crazy! It's real! Little things like differences in degrees of personal space, market negotiations (trying to buy something), and what seems to be rude staring, etc., all takes it toll, and it's not surprising that you're feeling a little raw right now. Realize that you are normal, but that all this would seem perfectly natural and non-threatening someday if you stayed, and try to let it go as lightly as you are able. Look for some of the cool things there that you probably don't have at home: bread shops, patisseries, sidewalk cafes where you can sit as long as you like; outdoor vegetable markets or large bazaars; shops or booths selling hand made items like sandals or textiles or other handmade goods that have been wiped out by globalization in the West... seek out the things and experiences that you can no longer find where you live. These are the jewels that you will treasure after you've returned home.
Good luck!
posted by taz at 1:07 AM on June 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
Europe is close together! Can you get on a train and spend a weekend in a country where you're more comfortable?
posted by prefpara at 4:29 AM on June 18, 2010
posted by prefpara at 4:29 AM on June 18, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Another thing that helps me when I feel overwhelmed is to write lists and/or letters. The lists help me because I can list out exactly why I'm frustrated or what I need to do to get through the day/week/month. The letters are often complainy, whiney letters to good friends or my significant other that wouldn't really help to send or give to them, but by writing them I can get my feelings off my chest and onto paper. I guess these letters could fill the same purpose as a journal or diary, but I prefer having a person to address rather than a "future self" or whatever.
Good luck; hopefully some of this will be helpful!
posted by lucy.jakobs at 12:10 AM on June 16, 2010