Need human advice about how to be a good human
June 14, 2010 6:52 PM Subscribe
How do I be a good friend to a guy with whom I need to break it off?
So, there’s this guy. We’ve been talking on the phone for a month now, never visited, as we live on opposite sides of the country. Things got hot and heavy a week or so after talking every other night (on both sides; we’re both lonely and into each other).
He is both a sweetheart and one with a troubled relationship with alcohol (two DUIs, now he has to breathe into one of those thingys to get the car to start) and perhaps because of the booze, or for whatever reason, he’s shown some pretty severe mood fluctuations (anger/despair to good cheer/optimism). He also has a serious medical condition similar to mine for which he probably will need surgery. He is freaking out big time because of the surgery and the perhaps permanent ramifications of his condition. The medical thing is why we met/are talking, as a mutual friend put us in touch.
I know, I know, I can’t be in a relationship with this guy because of the booze issues/mood swings. Also, there’s the whole geographic thing, although we’ve had many conversations about visits to here or there.
So my question is twofold:
1) How can I go from being love-interest to supportive friend in this context without a) Leading him on or b) Otherwise being a douchebag?
2) What are some good ways to discipline myself so that I don’t encourage him? I would like to have him in my life, sans booze/mood swings/geographic distance, and I don’t trust myself to be a steady rock of platonic friendship when I’d really like to get naked with him.
Thank you, hive mind
So, there’s this guy. We’ve been talking on the phone for a month now, never visited, as we live on opposite sides of the country. Things got hot and heavy a week or so after talking every other night (on both sides; we’re both lonely and into each other).
He is both a sweetheart and one with a troubled relationship with alcohol (two DUIs, now he has to breathe into one of those thingys to get the car to start) and perhaps because of the booze, or for whatever reason, he’s shown some pretty severe mood fluctuations (anger/despair to good cheer/optimism). He also has a serious medical condition similar to mine for which he probably will need surgery. He is freaking out big time because of the surgery and the perhaps permanent ramifications of his condition. The medical thing is why we met/are talking, as a mutual friend put us in touch.
I know, I know, I can’t be in a relationship with this guy because of the booze issues/mood swings. Also, there’s the whole geographic thing, although we’ve had many conversations about visits to here or there.
So my question is twofold:
1) How can I go from being love-interest to supportive friend in this context without a) Leading him on or b) Otherwise being a douchebag?
2) What are some good ways to discipline myself so that I don’t encourage him? I would like to have him in my life, sans booze/mood swings/geographic distance, and I don’t trust myself to be a steady rock of platonic friendship when I’d really like to get naked with him.
Thank you, hive mind
So I guess I don't understand how things got "hot and heavy" for a couple of weeks. Also, why do you need to be a friend if you have never met?
I'd say cut off communication.
A month of actually talking + never seen each other + other side of the country + drinking/mood swings = umm, well, you get the point.
posted by TheBones at 7:20 PM on June 14, 2010
I'd say cut off communication.
A month of actually talking + never seen each other + other side of the country + drinking/mood swings = umm, well, you get the point.
posted by TheBones at 7:20 PM on June 14, 2010
How can I go from being love-interest to supportive friend
This simply may not be possible. You can try, but if it looks like he can't handle it then the most humane thing for you to do is just cut off all contact.
posted by alms at 7:21 PM on June 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
This simply may not be possible. You can try, but if it looks like he can't handle it then the most humane thing for you to do is just cut off all contact.
posted by alms at 7:21 PM on June 14, 2010 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: If he's romantically interested in you and you responded but now want to cut it off, going back to being "just friends" may not be possible.
You're going to have to break it to him and see what he wants.
posted by Anonymous at 7:59 PM on June 14, 2010
You're going to have to break it to him and see what he wants.
posted by Anonymous at 7:59 PM on June 14, 2010
it might not be possible, might, but also sometimes addicts are pretty good at separating romantic feelings from nonromantical ones if it is clear he needs a pal.
do you know if he has any psychological issues that are contributing to his addiction? people with serious addictions frequently do; if he is a fairly isolated individual I would recommend trying to stay friends with him.
it is a conversation that will suck, but you have to make sure he understands that you want him around but that it is too trying for you to be romantically involved with him. Do not try and give him any sort of hope that maybe if he got sober and moved across the country it would work, those are too many variables. Be clear, concise and as kind as possible:
I care about you very deeply but it hurts me too much to be romantically involved with you given the circumstances. I want you in my life but it is too difficult for us to be anything other than friends. If that is something that works for you please let me know, otherwise I think it is best if we don't speak.
^something along those lines, that is particularly CLEAR maybe you don't have to be that CLEAR
best of luck, this is difficult
posted by ameliaaah at 8:12 PM on June 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
do you know if he has any psychological issues that are contributing to his addiction? people with serious addictions frequently do; if he is a fairly isolated individual I would recommend trying to stay friends with him.
it is a conversation that will suck, but you have to make sure he understands that you want him around but that it is too trying for you to be romantically involved with him. Do not try and give him any sort of hope that maybe if he got sober and moved across the country it would work, those are too many variables. Be clear, concise and as kind as possible:
I care about you very deeply but it hurts me too much to be romantically involved with you given the circumstances. I want you in my life but it is too difficult for us to be anything other than friends. If that is something that works for you please let me know, otherwise I think it is best if we don't speak.
^something along those lines, that is particularly CLEAR maybe you don't have to be that CLEAR
best of luck, this is difficult
posted by ameliaaah at 8:12 PM on June 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
So I guess I don't understand how things got "hot and heavy" for a couple of weeks. Also, why do you need to be a friend if you have never met?
Not to answer for the op, but I would guess phone sex. As for why the op wants to maintain friends, perhaps because she's grown to really like and care for this person that she's spent a lot of time talking with?
posted by kylej at 9:07 PM on June 14, 2010
Not to answer for the op, but I would guess phone sex. As for why the op wants to maintain friends, perhaps because she's grown to really like and care for this person that she's spent a lot of time talking with?
posted by kylej at 9:07 PM on June 14, 2010
1. Be direct and tell him so. Don't be oblique about it but be clear as to why you're doing what you're doing. He deserves that, especially if you want to remain friends.
2. The usual. No contact for a while, being careful about your interactions, being clear and direct about what you say and mean. If you can't trust yourself around him and don't want to be in a relationship with him, you should not be around him. It's the kindest thing to do.
posted by gadha at 9:10 PM on June 14, 2010
2. The usual. No contact for a while, being careful about your interactions, being clear and direct about what you say and mean. If you can't trust yourself around him and don't want to be in a relationship with him, you should not be around him. It's the kindest thing to do.
posted by gadha at 9:10 PM on June 14, 2010
distance, distance, distance. i am aware that he is going through some things and you may want to be there for him...but people usually cling more to those around them in times of trouble and if he is already emotionally attached, stating you want a platonic relationship but sticking around could wind up convoluted. i had a similar situation with a very good friend of 6 years, except we actually hung out on a weekly basis and texted/talked almost every day.
he went through a tough breakup and even though i had hints of his interest over the course of our 6 year friendship, he never brought it up until after he had the breakup. i think it might have been because i hung out with him more and his emotional connection with his old gf became displaced and projected on to me because i was the only female that was around...either way, it was UNCOMFORTABLE.
he started calling all the time and would seem a little possessive when i had other plans. it progressed to drunken calls and texts and became worse with him blatantly stating his sexual attraction to me. the moodiness and imbalance some guys go through are not healthy situations and for those of us on the other side of it, any kind of news must be handled with utmost care.
i told my friend that i cared about him, but i felt that our friendship could not go the route he wanted and i did not think he knew exactly what he wanted. i told him that even though i wanted to be a good, supportive friend...i felt that i could not be that person for him since he looked at me in a certain way and i did not want to disappoint him or add to his heartache.
posted by penguingrl at 11:54 PM on June 15, 2010
he went through a tough breakup and even though i had hints of his interest over the course of our 6 year friendship, he never brought it up until after he had the breakup. i think it might have been because i hung out with him more and his emotional connection with his old gf became displaced and projected on to me because i was the only female that was around...either way, it was UNCOMFORTABLE.
he started calling all the time and would seem a little possessive when i had other plans. it progressed to drunken calls and texts and became worse with him blatantly stating his sexual attraction to me. the moodiness and imbalance some guys go through are not healthy situations and for those of us on the other side of it, any kind of news must be handled with utmost care.
i told my friend that i cared about him, but i felt that our friendship could not go the route he wanted and i did not think he knew exactly what he wanted. i told him that even though i wanted to be a good, supportive friend...i felt that i could not be that person for him since he looked at me in a certain way and i did not want to disappoint him or add to his heartache.
posted by penguingrl at 11:54 PM on June 15, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Then resolutely stick to nonsexual and nonromantic conversation topics.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:04 PM on June 14, 2010