I messed up.
June 13, 2010 3:11 PM Subscribe
Dating emergency : through my own stupidity and overthinking, I think I've ruined something that could have been wonderful. Is there any way to salvage this situation?
Okay. So there's this girl Lisa who I'm friends with. A couple weeks ago, I wound up hanging out at a party with Kelly, Lisa's roommate. In talking to Kelly, I realized that she is really really cool. I wound up getting Kelly's email address from Lisa and asking her out. Fast forward a few days. Friday night I go out with Kelly, and we have an exceptional time. At the end of the night, we wound up making out for a while -- so yes, I know that (at least as of then) she was interested in me.
Anyway, yesterday I had plans to hang out with Pauline, who's friends with both Lisa, Kelly, and I. Pauline is just a platonic friend -- no interest at all on my part. Pauline gets off work late, around 11. Before coming by my house last night, she stops by Lisa's boyfriend's house, and uses Lisa's phone to call me. (apparently Pauline's phone was broken)
And this is where my idiotic overthinking starts.
Pauline is on her way over to my apartment, and I'm thinking, "shit, what if Lisa thinks that something is going on between me and Pauline? This will totally wreck any chance I have with Kelly." So, stupidly, I text Lisa, asking, "Hey! Going to hang out with Pauline in a little while. Anything going on tonight?" Thinking that if we all hung out together, it would be obvious that nothing is going on between me and Pauline. I didn't hear back from Lisa last night.
This morning, I get a text from Lisa basically saying, "hey, sorry I didn't get your text last night, hope you had fun! Kelly and I are going out of town this week, see you when we get back" To which I replied, "we just had a couple beers and talked a bit, mostly a slow night. see you when you get back!"
And then more stupid overthinking ensued, and I ended up sending a second text, "BTW, thanks for giving me Kelly's email! I had a really great time hanging out with her a couple nights ago. I hope she saved you some cupcakes!" (I had made cupcakes and sent her home with a few) I did not get a response to this text.
In retrospect, that text probably sounded really fucking stupid. And also now Lisa will see that text next to the text about Pauline, and may think that I'm trying to cover something up. Why else would I send a text about hanging out with Kelly right after I sent a text about hanging out with Pauline?
Finally, today I called Kelly to see if she wanted to hang out next weekend. (I figured that a day and a half was long enough to wait) Got voicemail after 3 rings. Left a message.
Anyway, I feel like even if there was no suspicion that I was seeing Pauline, now I have created some suspicion. Or at very least, I sent a bunch of weird text messages. And you know how things are at the beginning of a new relationship - any little thing can throw it off. I really almost never get this way about women, but I really really like Kelly. I could go into why, but that's a bunch of romantic gushy stuff that you probably don't want to hear.
Anyway, my question is this -- is there any way for me to salvage this situation? Or should I just give up and try to get over her?
(and yes, I know, I probably sound insane. I promise you I am not. Please try to remember what it was like to be single and excited about someone)
Okay. So there's this girl Lisa who I'm friends with. A couple weeks ago, I wound up hanging out at a party with Kelly, Lisa's roommate. In talking to Kelly, I realized that she is really really cool. I wound up getting Kelly's email address from Lisa and asking her out. Fast forward a few days. Friday night I go out with Kelly, and we have an exceptional time. At the end of the night, we wound up making out for a while -- so yes, I know that (at least as of then) she was interested in me.
Anyway, yesterday I had plans to hang out with Pauline, who's friends with both Lisa, Kelly, and I. Pauline is just a platonic friend -- no interest at all on my part. Pauline gets off work late, around 11. Before coming by my house last night, she stops by Lisa's boyfriend's house, and uses Lisa's phone to call me. (apparently Pauline's phone was broken)
And this is where my idiotic overthinking starts.
Pauline is on her way over to my apartment, and I'm thinking, "shit, what if Lisa thinks that something is going on between me and Pauline? This will totally wreck any chance I have with Kelly." So, stupidly, I text Lisa, asking, "Hey! Going to hang out with Pauline in a little while. Anything going on tonight?" Thinking that if we all hung out together, it would be obvious that nothing is going on between me and Pauline. I didn't hear back from Lisa last night.
This morning, I get a text from Lisa basically saying, "hey, sorry I didn't get your text last night, hope you had fun! Kelly and I are going out of town this week, see you when we get back" To which I replied, "we just had a couple beers and talked a bit, mostly a slow night. see you when you get back!"
And then more stupid overthinking ensued, and I ended up sending a second text, "BTW, thanks for giving me Kelly's email! I had a really great time hanging out with her a couple nights ago. I hope she saved you some cupcakes!" (I had made cupcakes and sent her home with a few) I did not get a response to this text.
In retrospect, that text probably sounded really fucking stupid. And also now Lisa will see that text next to the text about Pauline, and may think that I'm trying to cover something up. Why else would I send a text about hanging out with Kelly right after I sent a text about hanging out with Pauline?
Finally, today I called Kelly to see if she wanted to hang out next weekend. (I figured that a day and a half was long enough to wait) Got voicemail after 3 rings. Left a message.
Anyway, I feel like even if there was no suspicion that I was seeing Pauline, now I have created some suspicion. Or at very least, I sent a bunch of weird text messages. And you know how things are at the beginning of a new relationship - any little thing can throw it off. I really almost never get this way about women, but I really really like Kelly. I could go into why, but that's a bunch of romantic gushy stuff that you probably don't want to hear.
Anyway, my question is this -- is there any way for me to salvage this situation? Or should I just give up and try to get over her?
(and yes, I know, I probably sound insane. I promise you I am not. Please try to remember what it was like to be single and excited about someone)
I don't think anything you've done is weird here, except for the stuff going on in your own head. Calm down!
posted by something something at 3:17 PM on June 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by something something at 3:17 PM on June 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Lisa, I'm really excited about getting to know Kelly and I sent those crazy text messages because I didn't want you to think that there was something between Pauline and me. I know it sounds idiotic, and I'm sorry if there was any confusion."
Preferably tell her this over the phone instead of via another text.
posted by TooFewShoes at 3:18 PM on June 13, 2010
Preferably tell her this over the phone instead of via another text.
posted by TooFewShoes at 3:18 PM on June 13, 2010
is there any way for me to salvage this situation?
So far, this situation is entirely in your imagination.
Just go spend some time with... uh... whichever one it was that you liked.
posted by jon1270 at 3:20 PM on June 13, 2010 [27 favorites]
So far, this situation is entirely in your imagination.
Just go spend some time with... uh... whichever one it was that you liked.
posted by jon1270 at 3:20 PM on June 13, 2010 [27 favorites]
Oh yeah, BREATHE. If you are talking about THIS Friday then you need to chill out. If you still haven't heard from her 3 days after she gets back from her trip, then you can worry that the relationship is dead.
posted by TooFewShoes at 3:21 PM on June 13, 2010
posted by TooFewShoes at 3:21 PM on June 13, 2010
Why else would I send a text about hanging out with Kelly right after I sent a text about hanging out with Pauline?
For exactly the reason you did, you like her and would like to see her and have her not get the wrong idea. Didn't Lisa just tell you that she and Kelly are out of town this week? That is probably why she is not getting back to you. I think you sit tight, go for a run or a walk or something and wait to see when they get back what's going on. If Lisa's your friend you can talk to her about this later. Nothing seems messed up to me.
posted by jessamyn at 3:22 PM on June 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
For exactly the reason you did, you like her and would like to see her and have her not get the wrong idea. Didn't Lisa just tell you that she and Kelly are out of town this week? That is probably why she is not getting back to you. I think you sit tight, go for a run or a walk or something and wait to see when they get back what's going on. If Lisa's your friend you can talk to her about this later. Nothing seems messed up to me.
posted by jessamyn at 3:22 PM on June 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
As an objective reader, I don't think the texts sound weird.
If I were Lisa, my reading would be: 1. You didn't miss much the other night, maybe we'll all get together and do something exciting later. 2. Kelly is awesome. I hope she told you good things about our date.
If I were Lisa, I probably wouldn't connect Pauline and Kelly in my mind. I would definitely mention that you said you had a great time with Kelly.
If I were Kelly, I would call you back if I wanted to see you again. I would also expect that you knew I was out of town, and would not be freaked out if you didn't hear from me in five minutes.
Take a breather. Ease off the phone, wait to hear back from both the ladies before making more calls or texts. You haven't done anything that needs to be repaired.
On preview, listen to jessamyn.
posted by freshwater at 3:24 PM on June 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
If I were Lisa, my reading would be: 1. You didn't miss much the other night, maybe we'll all get together and do something exciting later. 2. Kelly is awesome. I hope she told you good things about our date.
If I were Lisa, I probably wouldn't connect Pauline and Kelly in my mind. I would definitely mention that you said you had a great time with Kelly.
If I were Kelly, I would call you back if I wanted to see you again. I would also expect that you knew I was out of town, and would not be freaked out if you didn't hear from me in five minutes.
Take a breather. Ease off the phone, wait to hear back from both the ladies before making more calls or texts. You haven't done anything that needs to be repaired.
On preview, listen to jessamyn.
posted by freshwater at 3:24 PM on June 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
I recommend actually talking to Kelly and/or Lisa -- on the phone or even in person -- instead of all this texting and voicemailing. The latter two don't seem to be your ideal medium. Actually, they're pretty poor modes of communication in general. The lack of real-time response is driving you crazy.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:25 PM on June 13, 2010
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:25 PM on June 13, 2010
Stop texting/calling and start breathing.
Or should I just give up and try to get over her?
This is catastrophic thinking (in which "she hasn't answered my voicemail from today" = "SHE HATES ME IT'S OVER") and not only will it sabotage relationships, it will sabotage your own mental well-being. Again, just breathe, and look at the facts without all the emotional storytelling. You are (over)reacting to a situation (SHE HATES ME) that, objectively speaking, you are making up in your head.
You are going to have to wait out the time till she can call you back. Obviously this will be uncomfortable for you, but -- to put it bluntly -- you're going to have to cope. Do not make the mistake of thinking that your discomfort means you must call/text again in an attempt to relieve it. Do something (preferably something productive and/or pleasant) to help you pass the time for the rest of the day.
posted by scody at 3:26 PM on June 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Or should I just give up and try to get over her?
This is catastrophic thinking (in which "she hasn't answered my voicemail from today" = "SHE HATES ME IT'S OVER") and not only will it sabotage relationships, it will sabotage your own mental well-being. Again, just breathe, and look at the facts without all the emotional storytelling. You are (over)reacting to a situation (SHE HATES ME) that, objectively speaking, you are making up in your head.
You are going to have to wait out the time till she can call you back. Obviously this will be uncomfortable for you, but -- to put it bluntly -- you're going to have to cope. Do not make the mistake of thinking that your discomfort means you must call/text again in an attempt to relieve it. Do something (preferably something productive and/or pleasant) to help you pass the time for the rest of the day.
posted by scody at 3:26 PM on June 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for the responses so far!
To clarify, the events I'm talking about occurred over the last three days. I don't know if Kelly and Lisa have left town yet, only that they will some time this week. I left the voicemail about an hour ago, so no, I'm not freaking out that I haven't heard back yet.
posted by coelacanth! at 3:39 PM on June 13, 2010
To clarify, the events I'm talking about occurred over the last three days. I don't know if Kelly and Lisa have left town yet, only that they will some time this week. I left the voicemail about an hour ago, so no, I'm not freaking out that I haven't heard back yet.
posted by coelacanth! at 3:39 PM on June 13, 2010
Be chill, dude! At this point, you've done nothing wrong, except to maybe come off as adorably into Kelly. Which is good. Give it time. Deep breaths.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 3:41 PM on June 13, 2010
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 3:41 PM on June 13, 2010
The best way to put distance between the text messages (suspicious or otherwise) is to stop calling attention to them.
Just go on doing what you would do if none of that had ever happened. From her (their) side, it probably didn't register as anything at all.
posted by hermitosis at 3:45 PM on June 13, 2010
Just go on doing what you would do if none of that had ever happened. From her (their) side, it probably didn't register as anything at all.
posted by hermitosis at 3:45 PM on June 13, 2010
You are still overthinking. That's what keeps getting you trouble. No reason to give up. Not even in salvage mode unless you continue to trip over your own feet. Take a deep breath, pretend to forget about the texts (all of them) and just act normal. Or rather a calmer version of normal.
posted by metahawk at 3:57 PM on June 13, 2010
posted by metahawk at 3:57 PM on June 13, 2010
You know what would be good right about now? A nice walk. Outside, in the fresh air, where you can look at the big world around you, marvel at birds, smile at a dog and remember a simpler, more uncomplicated time before texting.
posted by sageleaf at 3:57 PM on June 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by sageleaf at 3:57 PM on June 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Okay. She called me back. We're hanging out again after she gets back into town. Crisis over.
Thanks to all for your support and rationality!
And yes. Really excited. It feels really good to feel this way about somebody again. I feel like a teenager ;)
posted by coelacanth! at 4:12 PM on June 13, 2010 [7 favorites]
Thanks to all for your support and rationality!
And yes. Really excited. It feels really good to feel this way about somebody again. I feel like a teenager ;)
posted by coelacanth! at 4:12 PM on June 13, 2010 [7 favorites]
Glad it's resolved, but everyone forgot to mention one crucial fact. Pauline stopped by Lisa's house en route to yours. If Pauline thought your interest was anything other than platonic, she would have mentioned this to Lisa. I know this because I am female.
posted by desjardins at 5:05 PM on June 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by desjardins at 5:05 PM on June 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Unless your dealings are with Kelly Kapowski and Lisa Turtle, stop worrying. I second sageleaf.
posted by thejoshu at 7:05 PM on June 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by thejoshu at 7:05 PM on June 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
For future reference, you could try being less hinty-hinty-secret-signals and more "fyi, Pauline is JUST A FRIEND. I'm saving myself for Kelly. ;)"
I think it was the fact that you were using secret signals to communicate in the first place that made you think they'd read something into your texts that wasn't there.
posted by salvia at 7:32 PM on June 13, 2010
I think it was the fact that you were using secret signals to communicate in the first place that made you think they'd read something into your texts that wasn't there.
posted by salvia at 7:32 PM on June 13, 2010
You're fine. Calm down, and don't send any more texts to try to "fix" this. There's nothing that needs to be fixed.
posted by alligatorman at 7:54 PM on June 13, 2010
posted by alligatorman at 7:54 PM on June 13, 2010
I hope your best man reads this question at your and Kelly's wedding.
posted by Alt F4 at 8:17 PM on June 13, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by Alt F4 at 8:17 PM on June 13, 2010 [5 favorites]
Wow, you've reminded me how batshit insane I was when I met my wife! Seconding Alt F4. Being this excited is a pretty good sign ... it was for me. Good luck :)
posted by BinarySolo at 3:45 AM on June 14, 2010
posted by BinarySolo at 3:45 AM on June 14, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Finally, today I called Kelly to see if she wanted to hang out next weekend. (I figured that a day and a half was long enough to wait) Got voicemail after 3 rings. Left a message.
Today? Your worried because she hasn't returned your phone call from today? (Or are you worried because your call went to voicemail after 3 rings instead of 4? Some phone systems do this. I don't understand why you think this situation needs salvaging. I would suggest you stop sending text messages because they seem to consistently cause you trouble.
posted by An algorithmic dog at 3:17 PM on June 13, 2010