Scared to tell BF about my career ambitions

June 12, 2010 12:44 PM

I'm scared to tell BF about my career ambitions. In short, I am terrified of having to eventually (as in, within the next 2-5 months) reveal to my boyfriend what my career ambitions are. Much of this is related to his family and my lack of self-confidence / significant fear of failure. How would you tell him? How would you react?

I've been with my BF for 7 months. Our relationship is perfect, aside from this problem I'm having which will continue to grow if I don't face my fears. We love each other so much, and we both know that marriage is in our future at some point down the line. For now, he's concerned with me going back to school to pursue a graduate/professional program. He wants that for me as much as I want that for me; we both know I'd be wasting my intellect by not going back to school.

I'm currently studying for a test in October so that this fall I can apply to a certain professional school. As far as my BF knows, I'm studying for a test in October so that this fall I can apply to graduate school.

Up until recently, he's never asked me specifically what kind of program. That means, I've never had to lie. He knows that I have a strong educational background in the sciences, so I'm assuming he figured I've been looking to get into PhD programs in the specific area I've studied.

Here is my dilemma: For the past year, I've been really interested in pursuing X career, requiring me to attend the 3 year program. I've been hesitant to tell my BF about my interest in this career because he comes from his family in which there are many relatives who have this profession. His father and brother are both successful X'ers.

I've also been hesitant to tell him due to my own personal issues. I've been out of school for 3 years. This wasn't intentional. Shortly after graduating college, I developed a severe medical condition and so was in and out of hospitals and residental treatment programs for one year. (During this time, I was too sick mentally and physically do to anything but focus on my health -- so no job, school, volunteer work, etc.). After that year, I started a new job. I was glad to be working and ready to start studying to take the exam in January.

In November, I was involved in a major major major accident. I spent a few weeks in the ICU. Once home, I was bed-ridden (as in, can't sit up let alone walk, need assistance to use the bathroom) for a few weeks. For the next 3 months I was in treatment for my multiple injuries. During this time I was in a restrictive device -- couldn't move easily, obviously couldn't drive or have a job, etc. I was considered disabled. By the end of March of this year -- not even 3 months ago -- was able to be "well enough" to at least have a job, start driving on my own again, etc. I'm still having complications, but at this point my neurosurgeon's only advice for me is to wait. He thinks this is the best I'm going to get. I'm well enough to work, study, use my brain, etc. I'm just dealing with some neurological and spinal issues that are nothing in comparison to how I was a few months ago. I'm alive and I'm not quadraplegic, so I'm content.

So the January exam was obviously out. My next option was to take the June test, but because of complications from the aforementioned accident, I had to miss that one too. The last test I can possibly take is in October. At this point, nothing is in my way of studying and preparing for it.

The issue behind being secretive about my ambitions is this: I have a major fear of rejection and very little self-confidence. So many times in the past few years since graduating from college have I tried to pursue some academic path, only to be deterred by some major obstacle. After experiencing each of these medical conditions, my outlook on life has changed. I've learned where my real interests lie. I enjoy and excelled in the sciences, but I don't want a career in that area. I want to do X.

The only people who know I'm studying for this specific exam and planning on applying to these specific professional schools are my sister and parents. My fear is that something will come up, I'll be deterred (which equates to failure in my eyes), and everyone will think, "Oh, look at _____. She's so dumb. She would have never made it anyway."

The pressure is on with regard to this career because my boyfriend's father and brother have this career. I don't want my BF telling his family (with whom I am close), and then knowing all of them are secretly analyzing / critiquing me.

At this rate, I will be ready to take the test in October. I have no doubt that I will get accepted into the school I want to attend. (Coincidentally, BF's brother attended the same school.) But eventually I'm going to have to tell my BF exactly what this test is and what kind of school I'm planning on attending next fall. I expect to tell him in September.

Like I said, he's never asked for specifics until now. Last week, I casually mentioned that I was looking at various programs. He asked me what type of graduate programs was I looking into. I never responded to his text. Earlier this week he asked me about the specifics of the classes I'm starting in a few weeks (classes I'm taking to get my brain back into gear; they are related to the profession I'm pursuing). At that point I lied. I said "Oh, just biology stuff. I don't really want to talk about it." I could tell he was minorly annoyed or upset, but that was it. Meanwhile, I felt awful. It was gutwrenching having to blantantly lie to the man I love like that.

Sorry for the length. I guess my questions are:
1) How shitty of a GF am I from withholding this info from him? (I would explain exactly why I did this, and he's familiar with my fear of sharing my ambitions with *others* -- not so much with him.)
2) How would you react if you were my BF? Sad that I had to do this? Extremely angry? Grounds for breaking up? What impact would this have on your level of trust for your SO? Trust is very important to me.
3) Should I just tell him ASAP (as in, within the next week)? If so, how can I get the conversation going?

I'm so ashamed of myself. I love him so much and I fear I'm sabotaging our relationship. This is truly our (mine?) only problem area. We are scarily compatible in every other way. We are each other's best friend. We can communicate, we can handle disagreements without getting into arguments, etc. He stood by me after the accident and was incredibly supportive, which says a lot about his character. It's perfect. I have a longstanding history of physical/sexual/emotional abuse beginning in childhood, so I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. His presence in my life has definitely helped me to heal emotionally and be happy.

posted by overyourhead to human relations (38 answers total)

1. Not a shitty girlfriend, however I would stop lying/avoiding.
2. I would be surprised and think you were silly for not revealing it earlier. I would also tell you how strong and smart you were. I'd be supportive, but I'd insist that you be straight from now on.
3. Yes. Just say, "Hey, I'm sorry about avoiding the subject of my future education. I was afraid/nervous about telling you because I know you have family in the same field. I was afraid I would get judged by them. Please forgive me, and I'll be honest with you from here on out.

I don't think it's a big deal... if you tell him soon. Good luck!
posted by Lizsterr at 12:56 PM on June 12, 2010

Also, you weren't lying because you were trying to get away with anything that would hurt the relationship. You just weren't ready to deal with the potential problems you though you might have with his family. There's a big difference, and I don't think he'd get that upset.
posted by Lizsterr at 12:58 PM on June 12, 2010

It's law school, right?

We all face rejection on the path toward pursuing our dreams. It's scary to face criticism from others about the things that are actually important to you.

But if this is what you want to do with your life, you really just need to take the leap and do it. This goes for taking the test. This goes for telling your boyfriend. The best advice I could give you is to act fearless, even though you're not. The more you fake it, the more you'll really feel the way you're acting. I'm not entirely sure why this works, but it always has for me (turning me from a shy, timid person to one who's seen as fearless--and often feels it, too!).

So I'd call him up immediately. Apologize for lying, but don't linger on it: "I'm planning on going to law school [or whatever], and was nervous about the whole thing. You know how I can be. Sorry for the white lie." And really, that's what it was. This isn't a major violation of trust. It's you letting your fears get the better of you. Don't! Instead of focusing on whether or not you're shitty, you need to focus on doing what's right for you. Be your own best advocate--that's what I always say. Because (and I know this is scary) there will be judgesters down the line. There always are. Eff them--and remember, there's no reason to be one yourself.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:59 PM on June 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm confused about how you're planning to conceal this from him until September. If you were studying for the LSAT, for example, wouldn't you have LSAT books and other study materials around the house? If you're taking classes about law or business or something, it just seems somewhat incomprehensible to me that you'd be able to hide all the homework or practice tests.

Telling him sooner will make it a much smaller deal than if you told him in September, IMHO. So far, you aren't really lying, just being really evasive. I think the potential to lie is going to go up exponentially the longer you don't tell him.
posted by pecknpah at 1:01 PM on June 12, 2010

1. You're hurting yourself more than you're being a shitty GF. Tell him about your fears of failure and hopefully he will be supportive and understanding.
2. This is about HIM as much as anything. When I look at my reaction, it's totally a reflection of how I deal with my own fears of failure. A "perfect" person would be curious and neither try to save you from your fears nor reject you. It's okay to be not ready to talk about something yet, particularly something that's your own private thing. Lying is a different story, so 'fess up and avoid that going forward.
3. It sounds like you would feel a lot better if you did this.

Ultimately, if your boyfriend won't support your ambitions and keep your confidences from his family for some reasonable amount of time, he's probably not marriage material for you. And ultimately, you won't be able to be a successful X'er if you can't first tell him, then tell the admissions board, then tell his family, then tell potential employers, then tell the [judge/client/student/architect/whatever] that you are here as the X'er, etc., etc. Maybe you could view telling him as a first step to success, so that success on that front creates a teensy amount of momentum in the right direction?

My fear is that something will come up, I'll be deterred (which equates to failure in my eyes), and everyone will think, "Oh, look at _____. She's so dumb. She would have never made it anyway."

If you're savvy enough to go to grad school, you're savvy enough to discern between "I was disabled by a major accident" and "I was unable to succeed at the requirements of this profession."
posted by salvia at 1:02 PM on June 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

this is such a weird thing to lie about, especially for so long. if he is going to be your life partner, why on EARTH would he not know what type of profession you want to go into or what school you want to apply to? this is what couples talk about with each other. this is the easy stuff. you're not out of school because you're dumb, you're out of school because you had some serious medical issues that prevented you from being able to go. he knows that, his family knows that. they don't think you're dumb. they will think it's really weird you're lying about this though. stop lying, tell him what you're studying for. if his family is already in the profession, you should be using them to network, not avoiding them.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 1:02 PM on June 12, 2010 [12 favorites]

1) You're not a shitty GF. First, you're not under an obligation to share unless you feel comfortable doing so (if they are happy, supportive, annoyingly excited, in a way that adds stress, maybe that's something to address), but in terms of just sharing, it's totally up to you, and if they're good people, they'll respect that.

2) I'd be surprised that you were worried about it enough to withhold it. I'd probably react to the seeming paternalism -- "wait, you thought that I was going to be a jerk and pressure you?" I'd feel guilty for implicitly being a jerk (note: I'm not saying he IS a jerk -- but the tone of your description makes it seem like there's a lot of pressure coming from his direction -- or perceived pressure, or manufactured pressure, or something wonky going on with high expectations / low self esteem).

Note: Nobody has to actually be a jerk for that to be true, and for manufactured pressure to be a problem.

2a) I'd feel bad that you hadn't talked to me about it and gotten to share the excitement!

2b) I would not feel bad that you lied (if it's a "you lied to me" kind of situation, he sounds a little controlling -- but that's hard to tell, since a lot of this is speculative). If he's a good guy, the "trust" question would be second to, "wait, this is exciting! I'm sad that I didn't know about it!"

3) You should tell him whenever you feel comfortable, if you feel comfortable. It sounds like this is a big deal, and brings in a lot of maybe latent anxiety (about your relationship? about his family?) which is under the surface --- so, maybe sit down, and talk about that? "I'm really stressed out! I've been worried about this thing (that you don't yet know about!" "I'm really bothered by how stressed out I've been about it, let's talk about that!"

It seems like it's a big deal for you, so it might be worth taking a time-out to sit down and discuss -- not as a problem, but as an issue, which, seven-months in (long enough to be serious, as you say) you're concerned about and want to discuss like adults. That will get his attention that it's a thing, but also not frame it as you blaming him or vice versa.
posted by puckish at 1:12 PM on June 12, 2010

Okay, some of what I think is freaking you out is the language you use about how your relationship is perfect and your boyfriend is perfect. The thing is, no relationship is perfect, because no partner is perfect. What you seem to have is a very good relationship, with a supportive, loving boyfriend. But please let yourself, your relationship, and your boyfriend be human and recognize that you are all imperfect. Though it may seem counterintuitive, calling something "perfect" is not a particularly positive thing, because it means that any deviation from "perfection" is seen as failure. This sets up precisely the dynamic of paralysis/panic/avoidance/self-loathing that you are in right now.

So before you do anything else, I think Step 1 is to do yourself and your boyfriend the favor of seeing your relationship in a more realistic light, rather than such an idealized one. Take the pressure off yourself right now to be the perfect girlfriend. You're human. Your boyfriend is human. Your relationship is human. You will not "break it" because you have felt nervous and have told some white lies of omission regarding the fact that you're applying for law or medical school (I'm guessing it's one or the other).

Stop beating yourself up. Take a deep breath. Tell him that you're applying to law or medical school and that you were nervous because A) so many of his family is in the profession, and B) you're afraid of failing (which is also what's coming through here). Try to boil the problem down non-judgmentally to its essential components, rather than letting yourself get taken away with the elaborate, super-charged emotional storytelling that's surrounding it.
posted by scody at 1:12 PM on June 12, 2010 [9 favorites]

The pressure is on with regard to this career because my boyfriend's father and brother have this career. I don't want my BF telling his family (with whom I am close), and then knowing all of them are secretly analyzing / critiquing me.

Well, any time you're going to school to study a given subject there are going to be experts in that subject grading and critiquing your performance; that's what school is.

If that's likely to be a problem for you, it's something you might want to do something about.

3) Should I just tell him ASAP (as in, within the next week)? If so, how can I get the conversation going?

"So [boyfriend] I've been thinking a bit about the sort of career I want, and I'm interested in [underwater dentistry]. I know that [brother] went to [school] and I was thinking of going there too. Do you think we could invite him and [partner] around for dinner so I can hear how he found it? I could have brought this up earlier, but I wanted to give it a bit more thought before telling too many people - in fact I still do, so could you keep it under your hat for a while?"
posted by Mike1024 at 1:14 PM on June 12, 2010

If your main concern is his father/brother finding out and analysing/critiquing you, why don't you just ask him not to tell his family about it until you've taken the LSATs [or whatever] and been accepted to school?
posted by postpostpostscript at 1:14 PM on June 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Do this..

1. Tell your boyfriend
2. Study for the test (maybe you can even get some help/insight from his family)
3. Pass the test, matriculate and graduate
4. Get a job
5. Profit!!! :)

As for your questions...

1) On the scale of 1 to shitty(100), you are about a two.
2) If I was your bf, I would be a little disappointed that you didn't tell me earlier, but would assure you that you have no reason to hide things like this from me. You don't give up a good relationship for something like this.
3) Tell him tonight. Say this...

"I want to tell you all about my academic plans for this fall. I know you thought I was going to grad school, but in all actuality I am hoping to attend XYZ school. I didn't tell you all about it last week cause I was still getting my head around all this, but I don't want you operating under any false assumptions. With all that's happened to me in the past year, I'm very nervous about this and have been afraid to tell you because I didn't want to jinx it. But I realize that I'm being silly and not telling you isn't fair to our relationship."

...or something like that.
posted by MCTDavid at 1:17 PM on June 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

If I knew you IRL, I would suggest that you tell him asap and also tell him exactly why you were putting off telling him, and how you feel nervous telling him and are worried about what he and/or his family might think. There's nothing like dragging the fears in your head out into the cold light of day.

How you start the convo will depend on you and your boyfriend and what you're both like, but I guess I would suggest waiting for a calm moment when you're both relaxed and there's no hurry to do anything in the next hour or so, and saying, "I feel really nervous telling you this, but I've decided I want to study X and do X career. I've been too scared to tell you because I'm worried that you/your family might look down on me/I'm scared of failing/I feel like I won't be good enough to do it/etc etc." You can then elaborate on your feelings as necessary, but you've got it all out in the open as quickly as possible - he knows what you'll study, he knows why you haven't told him and he knows how you feel.

I'm sorry to hear about your accident. There's nothing like spinal injuries and being totally dependent on others to make you reassess your life and decide what's really important to you (fortunately for me I have not had to go through this myself, only witnessed it at close quarters). I hope that your health continues to improve.
posted by ask me please at 1:20 PM on June 12, 2010

If what you plan to do, want to do, is something his parents do or have done, then let him know you want him to be proud of you as he is proud of his parents for being in that field. By all means tell him ASAP.
posted by Postroad at 1:20 PM on June 12, 2010

As best as I can tell from your post, your issue is that you might admit to your bf (and by extension his family) that you have an ambition that many of them have been able to meet but you might not be able to pull off.

If he is going to be your life partner, then you need to take a chance and trust him your dreams. Tell him asap. Explain that you want to share something with him that is very hard to talk about since if you tell him and it doesn't work you are going to feel like an even bigger failure than you do already. That should trigger some reassuring statement from like "i wouldn't do that to you". Assure him that logically you know he wouldn't - that's why you really want to him but emotionally you have that irrational fear that has been making you to do hide your real dreams. Then tell him. Tell him soon - don't wait any longer. If he is as great as you think, it will be a big relief to you to have him on your side instead of adding guilt to your other problems.

Now the bigger issues. Your life has been thrown completely off track by medical issues that are beyond your control. Not just one, but a series of problems. You were too sick to do anything but try to get better and then you were in accident where you even lost control over your own body. This is on top of a history of child abuse which would make you doubt your self-worth. These are profound events and they are absolutely going to affect your sense of who you are and how fragile your life and your health can be. I think that your fear that you might set a goal and not be able to follow it, at least not in a direct path reflect that you have a learned a life lesson younger than most. there are many little expressions of this: "life is what happens while we are making other plans" or "Man proposes, God disposes".

The idea that we can set a goal and just go for it is the optimism of those who have not encountered many of the tragedies that real life can put in our path. At that same time, I know many people who have been able to construct lives of meaning and purpose, reaching goals that might have seemed impossible in face of enormous obstacles.

In your situation, some people expect life to run on a straight path, denying their own experience. Others over-generalize and are afraid to try anything because they might run into obstacles. However, there is a third path where you set your goal but recognize that the path to the goal may not be a straight one - and that's OK.

You may go back to school and everything will fall into place and it will be easy to be proud of yourself. Or you may have relapse, have to take time off, reduce your class work, etc and yet still get your diploma and be able to work that you have the calling to do. Both paths get where you want to go. One is easier (and more socially acceptable) but sometimes life doesn't give you that option. The other path still gets you where you are going and along the way you will find yourself developing a deep of spirit that many people don't have to learn at your age. in the meanwhile, you have the blessing of a partner who loves you, who will stand by you and who (I am sure) will support you on your journey. This is a long reply but I really want to convey to you that you don't need to be ashamed to your dreams nor of the indirect path you have to take to reach them. If you can't see why you should be proud of yourself, ask your boyfriend - I'm sure he sees it in you even if you can't see it in yourself right now.
posted by metahawk at 1:21 PM on June 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

Please forgive me, and I"ll be honest from here on out.

That seems to be suggesting that the poster is to blame, and the boyfriend is the victim, and that the poster wholly responsible for being stressed out. Also, that lying is somehow more of a problem than not paying attention? (or creating a stressful environment?) (or not being cognizant enough to get that something's wrong, and ask?) which are all presumed, on his end, by this being a big deal. People react to high expectations in different ways, and it seems like the anxiety is more important than the lying here.

Why do you feel like you've done something wrong? Lying isn't good, but it seems like it's been worse for you than for him -- and focusing exclusively on his feelings is a weird kind of self-abnegation that I'd be wary of wading too deeply into. Yes, you lied. You liked because you were worried. Is it a bigger problem that you "betrayed" him, or that you've suffered crippling anxiety because of it?

PhoBWanKenobe has good advice.
posted by puckish at 1:25 PM on June 12, 2010

This is sort of side-advice, but if you are unable to tell your boyfriend - presumably one of the closest people to you - about your ambition, you'll be even more hesitant and intimidated around the relative strangers who could teach you, mentor you, offer you jobs, etc. If you are going to be at all successful in your career, you need to conquer this fear. Otherwise you'll be trapped in a spiral of avoiding opportunities, then feeling embarrassed for not progressing, etc. Think of the big reveal to your boyfriend as the first step in getting over this.

I couldn't tell you how the boyfriend would react; puzzled but sympathetic is my guess. If I were you, in addition to "I want to go to X school," I'd specifically mention "I'm terrified of rejection, and that's why I didn't tell you, and I really want to work on that."

I'm self-conscious myself, especially career-wise, so I sympathize with you. And I can tell you that it's way better to handle scary things sooner than later. Be brave, and good luck!
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:28 PM on June 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

If I were your boyfriend, I would be really weirded out that you kept something that is so important to you to yourself, or worse yet outright lied about it to me.

Are you guys a team, or aren't you? Do you trust him or don't you? Sure, you say "trust is very important to me" but your real-world actions are a 180 from this. You're going to have to open up to someone about your goals and plans, and if it can't be your own boyfriend, whom you keep repeating is so perfect, then that's really odd.

Should I just tell him ASAP (as in, within the next week)?

Yeah. Stop dragging this out.

Have a little faith in him, and in yourself. And good luck with the LSAT's!
posted by Asparagirl at 1:29 PM on June 12, 2010

As far as the career ambitions go, I agree with what everyone else is saying. You definitely haven't been a shitty girlfriend.

The one thing I would note is that based on the dates you're giving it sounds like you and your boyfriend must have gotten together right around the time you had your major major major accident in November. If I'm right about that then for a large percentage of the course of your relationship you've been in treatment for and recovering from the accident.

Building on what scody was saying, it seems to me that both your perception of the relationship and the relationship itself may have been effected by the undoubted real drama and stresses related to the accident; and that hence the relationship and your perception of the relationship may be significantly different in coming years compared to the way it's been so far. Which is another point in favor of following scody's advice there.
posted by XMLicious at 1:35 PM on June 12, 2010

From an outside perspective, your reasoning doesn't appear particularly rational a times. It sounds like you could really benefit from therapy.
posted by halogen at 1:45 PM on June 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

Tell him, if he loves you, he will accept it. What could you be doing that is so awful? All I could thing was you were going to grad school to become a professional prostitute, which would be awesome, but probably not true. Tell him, stop lying to yourself and him.
posted by fifilaru at 2:20 PM on June 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

I don't get this. Mostly because I operate from the perspective that it's nobody's business what you do with your education/vocation but your own. Your SO should support you, as it effects your happiness. I mena, unless they (SO + family) have something to be "worried" about - and as long as what you want to do is legal, what on earth could ever be the problem?

Even when a person is commited to another person, they have their own pursuits in life - such as education/career. These things can never be decided by anyone but youself.

Are you being dishonest? Maybe a little, and, as far as I can tell, totally uncesessarily. Just lead your life as you see fit.
posted by marimeko at 2:58 PM on June 12, 2010

Also, it seems to me that the BF's family could be a good resource to you as you apply to and hopefully enroll in and pursue a degree in this mystery subject. And afterwards.
posted by reddot at 3:17 PM on June 12, 2010

Your biggest stressor in life is that you aren't sharing your plans with your boyfriend, because you believe that him knowing would make you fee stressed. Tell him what you told us, that you appreciate his support, and you would rather he not mention it to his family for now, because of the reasons you've given. This is all understandable.

He's already so supportive that he's willing to stick with things even when he has no idea what you're doing in a major part of your life. He's worth trusting.
posted by mikeh at 3:19 PM on June 12, 2010

The pressure is on with regard to this career because my boyfriend's father and brother have this career.

No it isn't.

And the fact that you think this, coupled with the fact you experience anxiety so high you can't even tell your partner that you want to go to law school, makes me beg you to seek therapy. This kind of thinking is far outside the range of normal or healthy.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:31 PM on June 12, 2010

People have given plenty of good answers here, and I agree that 1) you are not at all shitty, 2) I would try to be sympathetic and understanding, and 3) you should tell him promptly, and make it clear that the delay's not about him, it's about you and your anxieties.

Once you've done that, you might want to stop and take a look at those anxieties. I also used to lack self-confidence and have a grossly exaggerated fear of failure. It's totally up to you whether you'd like that to remain a part of your personality. But having tried it both ways, I'm certainly glad I made the change.

If you do decide to take a swing at it, I think it's important to realize that anxiety can keep you from dealing with anxiety, because you're afraid of facing it and afraid of failing. For me, it was helpful to instead focus on being afraid of anxiety ruining my relationships and keeping me from doing the things I wanted to do. As long as I'm going to be irrationally worried about something, it might as well be something that helps me.

Having poked at this for 7 years now, these are the things I've found helpful:

• a therapist smart enough to call me on my BS
• anxiety medication (for me, Buspar, 45 mg daily, initially with Xanax as needed)
• regular vigorous exercise
• yoga
• meditation
• a very regular sleep schedule
• making my home restful, not stress-inducing
• learning to be very careful about what I say yes to
• particular supplements, including fish oil, B100, and sublingual B12

Whether or not any of that will work for you I have no idea, but channeling my anxiety into optimizing my life has been great, so that'll give you some options to try.
posted by 300baud at 4:24 PM on June 12, 2010 [8 favorites]

You're going to have to tell him at some point, might as well be now. I don't think you've done anything really wrong at this point, either.

However, I'm not sure if you are wanting to go into law, but I will tell you this: I have a lawyer in my family. He has often told me stories about how much fun he had going to court and making his opponent attorney cry; he finds it hilarious when he can reduce someone to tears.

This is a field where people will actively attack you (mentally and emotionally) and try to to make you look stupid/weak in front of judges and juries, basically trying to convince them that you are a fool. If you are considering going into law and you are having a problem simply telling your BF about it (someone who you trust and that respects you), how would you handle the pressure of a real courtroom?

Not trying to be mean to you, but if you are going into law there WILL be people trying to be mean.
posted by Menthol at 4:34 PM on June 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

I'm seconding Menthol. If you are talking about law, please think hard about your decision.

This is not a great time to join the ranks of new lawyers.

I (as well as many other mefites) am among the underemployed and debt-ridden. I was one of the lucky ones who had a job out of law school (clerkship). I had to leave that position after five months due to medical issues. Law jobs are not well disposed to people who need flexibility of schedule or location, or who need time off for medical reasons. I was again lucky enough to get a job as a lawyer a few months later, but I was laid off in November.

I repeat that I still consider myself lucky. I had a full tuition scholarship, so I finished with about 100k less in loans than my classmates. I also have law review, great extracurriculars, a top third class rank, and federal court experience on my resume. That's why I got the jobs I had.

Most of the people I graduated with have yet to be employed as lawyers. Since 2008. The firms as well as the non-profits have their pick of people laid off after five years of experience. Even with a great resume and more experience than my peers, I do not have a job now because my competition is not my peer group. So now, I am building my solo practice, which means I am essentially in sales, and facing rejection every day, as well as the calls from my creditors. A 100k less in loans still comes to around 50k. Are you ready for this?

You may beat the job market. But are you ready to fight through law school and then be part of a profession where your job is to be an adversary?

Law school is three years of competition and stress. Everything you do is graded on a curve. Everyone is as smart as you are. Everyone loves to argue, and will do so at the drop of the hat. Everyone wants to win every argument. The socratic method means being made an example of every day. It's not unusual to see people crying in the hallways after class. This will affect you. It may or may not change you, but it is an environment that you must immerse yourself in to succeed. And if you do not excel in law school, you will not get a job. Even if you do excel, a job in no certain thing.

If you are afraid to talk to your boyfriend about your plans to practice law, how will you be able to defend this choice to yourself, when all your peers will be fighting to demonstrate that they are smarter and stronger than you on a daily basis? When you can't point to any figures that will demonstrate your employability?

Is your physical health steady enough that you can guarantee that you will be able to be in court on your worst day? Do you have the mental health to sustain yourself through three years of nonstop stress? Do you have the stamina to fight through three years of law school and then the worst legal job market ever?
posted by freshwater at 5:53 PM on June 12, 2010 [8 favorites]

Your thought processes aren't logical and are based around a false set of expectations. I recognize the thought patterns of a person with low self-esteem/anxiety/depression as I suffered from those for almost a decade in my teens and early 20s. You are framing everything in the worse possible way:

1.) Staying out of school for 3yrs is not a big deal. Many people take a break after college to gain experience in the workplace and earn money. The fact that you felt the need to overly explain your health issues that kept you out of school reflects your flawed assumption that taking a break makes you seem dumb, even though most reasonable people would understand the situation (if they cared at all).

2.) Why would your boyfriend's relatives be judgmental about your success (or failure) in the shared field? Wouldn't they as more experienced professionals be as likely to try to mentor or give you advice? Why is your default reaction to assume they will harshly critique your efforts? Do you think your BF will constantly be reporting to them about the minutiae of your education? Even close siblings don't know what their brother's girlfriend will be up to at all times.

3.) Why does this mean you're sabotaging your relationship and potentially ruining everything? Your BF might be disappointed that you didn't reveal this info to him sooner, but no loving, supportive man will have a hugely negative reaction to this. Just let him know you were having a lot of worries about finally coming to this decision and didn't want to announce it to the world until you felt more secure in your preparation for the upcoming exam.

Most people are too self-absorbed to give a damn about judging you all the time. You are a special snowflake, just like every other special snowflake walking the earth. Your harshest critic is yourself. Just tell your BF, confide in him about your anxiety, get some cognitive behavior therapy for your low self-esteem, and go on with your studies.
posted by lychee at 8:08 PM on June 12, 2010

Call up your boyfriend and say "Ive decided to go to law school. I am studying for the LSAT and will take the test in October. I plan to go to X law school" He should be happy and/or supportive of you. If he puts you down for having such a goal then show him the door (you want to marry someone who is your greatest cheerleader rather than someone who puts you down). You need to grow a backbone and stand up for yourself. Obviously you are a survivor if you have come through rehab and a serious wreck and still have the drive and determination to set such a big goal. And don't worry about if you don't make it...if you give it your all and for some reason don't succeed with this goal, there will be something else and there is no shame in reaching for your goals. Be proud of yourself!
posted by MsKim at 8:10 PM on June 12, 2010

If everyone here is right and you are headed for law school, then it's worth considering that (based on your attempted obfuscation in the question), you're not very good at hiding things. Are you certain your boyfriend doesn't already know?

Law school is three years of competition and stress. ... It's not unusual to see people crying in the hallways after class.

This was not my experience at all.
posted by cribcage at 9:28 PM on June 12, 2010

That means, I've never had to lie.

Lying by omission is still a lie. So is lying to yourself by saying you haven't been lying. That's not judgemental; everyone does it. But it is true.

Beyond that, what MsKim said.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 11:43 PM on June 12, 2010

Maybe you could turn this on its head, and recruit one or more of the successful X family members as a mentor. You could tell them how much you respect them for their success, confide in them that your past has made you less confident in your abilities, and ask for their support and advice in getting through school. Lean on them, discuss the work with them, thank them when their advice proves useful.

If you are lucky, if you have difficult times at school, they will think of this as something they can help you through (and think back to the days when they undoubtedly had difficult times themselves). If they are thinking of you as a mentee they are not thinking of you as competition in the "how great our scores were at school" stakes. They won't be laughing with glee at your every mistake, but rather co-operating with you in your efforts to do the best you can. They can also defend you against any other nasty relatives who feel the need to criticise you in your absence.

Of course, YMMV with this one, depending on how pleasant the relatives are.
posted by emilyw at 4:29 AM on June 13, 2010

If anyone else mentioned this, I didn't really notice it, but can you imagine how much better you'll feel to just have this off your chest, and be able to study without the related anxiety? You're imagining this as the worst it can be, when really, it shouldn't be that bad. And you will feel -so- much better afterwards.
posted by whatzit at 1:21 PM on June 13, 2010

Thank you, everyone. Seriously, THANK YOU. I really needed to hear all of your responses; they have changed my perspective on this. I plan to tell my BF sometime this week.

I wanted to answer some questions and clarify a few things, but I think it's better that I stop talking about it and just have The Talk with the BF. We typically have 1-2 date nights during the work week, so I plan to tell him then.

I don't want to hide anything from him. I will explain exactly what my issue has been. He is already well aware of my extreme reluctance to tell people my academic plans and why I'm like this (anxiety, low self-esteem after some really bad / horrific times). He just doesn't know that "those people" are him & his family.

I might even show his this thread. I don't know yet.

I've done more thinking and realized he will 100% support me. He's going to feel surprised and perhaps a little sad that I've kept this from him -- not angry. This won't mark the end of our relationship.

Furthermore, I remembered my BF's father loves me. His whole family does. His father actually hired me at my last job. He goes on & on about me to his friends, relatives, etc. Apparently I'm "intelligent," "sharp," "gorgeous," "a great dresser," and "extremely bright." It's awkward to hear someone describe me with those words because my opinion of myself is so vastly different, but I can finally accept that his parents love me. I know they've talked about marriage to my BF.

Still, I'm going to ask that my BF not tell his parents about this until I'm ready -- ready emotionally, and ready knowing I am better and capable of moving forward after the horrific accident.

I'll let you guys know how it goes down. Thank you again. :)
posted by overyourhead at 6:23 PM on June 13, 2010

Wow this is an easy one: (from a guys point of view)

1: Your not a shitty GF, guys dont like shitty GF's if you were he wouldnt be with you currently.

2: If im your BF and in it with my heart and soul like you seem to think he is, then i would be supportive and figure out the best plan to get us through. Relationships are a team sport and you two have won some impressive battles so far! (ex. in sickness and in health)

3: tell him the moment you feel like you can have a long heart to heart you have been together long enough to know when ya can..... Start off by saying you have had somethings on your mind that you have tried to figure out all on your own but now you know you need his help, advice and support to make it through.
posted by SleeveHearted at 1:25 PM on June 14, 2010

3.5 months later and I have an update!

I finally mustered the courage to tell my SO in late July. By his immediate facial expression, he was shocked-- only because he had no idea I was interested in law. I also tried to explain to him why exactly I had been tightlipped about my academic plans, but that part didn't go over so well. That's likely because it's an emotional topic for me, so naturally it's that much more difficult to articulate my thoughts. He agreed to keep things between us until I knew for sure I would be applying this fall.

(The only thing that would have held me back is the likely narcolepsy / excessive daytime sleepiness I have resulting from the brain injury I sustained during my car accident. As time has gone on, I have been better able to manage this, so it eventually got to the point that I knew I'd be able to be sufficiently prepared to test and apply to LS this fall.)

About a week ago, my SO's father confronted me. He said that I study for "whatever it is I'm studying for" more than he ever studied in law school. I used this opportunity to tell him of my plans: "Well then, I'll be all the more prepared for law school." Apparently, he figured things out one way or the other. Since then, he has been INCREDIBLY helpful. He told both me and my SO that he just wants to help me make informed decisions, which I greatly appreciate it. He's already brought a few important points to my attention which will change my gameplan considerably.

My SO comes from a family of many prominent, successful attorney, while I don't, so I feel a lot more at ease now, knowing I have someone to turn to for advice and guidance-- someone who I know has my best interest at heart. (FWIW, he's made it clear he wants his son to ultimately marry me, so there is some 'incentive' for the father to help me make wise choices.)

Furthermore, the father's assistance and overall receptiveness to my plans completely disconfirms the false beliefs I expressed in my inital post. My confidence has increased, and I now have a legitimate support system. (I don't have a "family" per se, so I can't adequately express how GOOD it feels to know someone out there cares about me, and believes in me and my capabilities.) I plan to ask my SO's father to write a LOR for me soon (he used to be my employer prior to my relationship with his son, so the LOR can indeed be classified as professional) and I am sure it will be a great one.

Thank you, MeFites. You were all right. I feel so silly for every being worried about something so trivial.
posted by overyourhead at 1:19 PM on September 30, 2010

Also, with re: to the comments about my irritational fear somehow indicating I am not cut out for law: Oddly, this is the only time I ever been so terrified of judgment from others in the academic sense. There have certainly been times when I didn't feel smart or competent enough to succeed in whatever task or greater goal -- a universal experience, but overall I've used this low-level fear to 'prove' people wrong-- show them, actually, you know what? I CAN do xyz. Let me show you how well. I've been in similarly competitive academic environments in the past, and that's usually what happens.

The fear of judgment or critique I've experienced solely with my SO and his family is likely due to the fact that I love my SO very much and hope to spend the rest of my life with him. Naturally, this means I greatly value his family's perception of me. The complicating factor is, I don't have a "family" or know what it's like to have a steady support system in my life, so it's been (or was) somewhat hard for me to accept that his family isn't harboring deep-seated contempt toward me for no reason in particular. It's hard to believe a family with whom you are attached believes in you when you can't even discuss your current academic plans with your biological family because they don't believe you.

Being raised in an environment which forced me to be -- & to some degree remain -- on the defense likely enhances my ability to thrive in such a setting.

@cribcage: If everyone here is right and you are headed for law school, then it's worth considering that (based on your attempted obfuscation in the question), you're not very good at hiding things. Are you certain your boyfriend doesn't already know?

Ah, no worries. Initially I attempted to leave the law school detail out of the picture, but gave up on that effort figuring it didn't matter one way or the other. (If my SO ever stumbled upon this page, wouldn't that be to my advantage?) I just didn't go back to substitute "law school" for professional, graduate, etc. school out of laziness. I certainly realized that phrases like "professional school" and "three-year program" suggest law school. ;)
posted by overyourhead at 2:02 PM on September 30, 2010

Wow! I'm glad that worked out. Thanks so much for sharing the outcome with us.
posted by 300baud at 8:26 AM on October 29, 2010