In what city can I find guys who want a family?
June 7, 2010 8:48 PM Subscribe
I'm thinking of starting over in a new city with the intent of both working in my field and finding Mr.Right.
Well, here I am again, 30 year old straight female. Another relationship has ended, mostly in part because he doesn't want kids in the future, and I do.
I'm a life long Californian, having lived my adult life in San Francisco and Los Angeles. I like these cities, but I feel like all the guys I date don't ever want kids. A big reason they say they don't is the cost, which is understandable because these cities ARE expensive, and guys who CAN afford it are usually swarmy, status-oriented jerks. I myself am a graphic designer and aspire to move up in my career but if I want a family I'll need a dedicated partner who has the same goals.
So I'm wondering if I should start over in a new city. People have suggested Orange county but I do not like Republicans AT ALL. I have a friend who moved to Chicago and found her husband there, but I'm hesitant to live anywhere with snowy winters, as I have never experienced that. Also, I'm hesitant to go too far away from California, as all my friends and family are here.
I love Portland but I don't think there are enough jobs there, maybe Seattle? ...Or Austin or Tuscon?
Criteria for city suggestions is that theres plenty of progressive-minded men 28-45 who want to settle down and raise families, a place I could feasibly find graphic design work and afford a decent apartment on that kind of income, and preferably a pretty city with very little to no snow fall.
....Or is moving not the answer as I will have this dilemma in all metropolitan places?
Well, here I am again, 30 year old straight female. Another relationship has ended, mostly in part because he doesn't want kids in the future, and I do.
I'm a life long Californian, having lived my adult life in San Francisco and Los Angeles. I like these cities, but I feel like all the guys I date don't ever want kids. A big reason they say they don't is the cost, which is understandable because these cities ARE expensive, and guys who CAN afford it are usually swarmy, status-oriented jerks. I myself am a graphic designer and aspire to move up in my career but if I want a family I'll need a dedicated partner who has the same goals.
So I'm wondering if I should start over in a new city. People have suggested Orange county but I do not like Republicans AT ALL. I have a friend who moved to Chicago and found her husband there, but I'm hesitant to live anywhere with snowy winters, as I have never experienced that. Also, I'm hesitant to go too far away from California, as all my friends and family are here.
I love Portland but I don't think there are enough jobs there, maybe Seattle? ...Or Austin or Tuscon?
Criteria for city suggestions is that theres plenty of progressive-minded men 28-45 who want to settle down and raise families, a place I could feasibly find graphic design work and afford a decent apartment on that kind of income, and preferably a pretty city with very little to no snow fall.
....Or is moving not the answer as I will have this dilemma in all metropolitan places?
I live in the bay area and know plenty of men wanting / having kids.
Any major metropolitan area is going to have similar demographics.
posted by MillMan at 9:04 PM on June 7, 2010
Any major metropolitan area is going to have similar demographics.
posted by MillMan at 9:04 PM on June 7, 2010
You should consider Albuquerque. It's bigger than a town but still a small city, with a temperate climate, eclectic vibe, and sci-tech focus (design not excepted). It's a bit further away than the other places you mentioned but I say, if you're willing to consider Arizona, hop one state further and check out New Mexico. Plenty of opportunities for meeting likeminded people here. And "Albuquerque" is fun to say too.
As for whether or not moving is even a good idea, the answer's different for everybody. I'm the sort of person who prefers to wander a bit. The fresh start is empowering and I like seeing new places and meeting new people. I'm a pretty independent spirit. You may or may not be able to loosen your friendships and family ties as easily as I did when I moved away from my own hometown, so consider it carefully before you pack your bags.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 9:06 PM on June 7, 2010
As for whether or not moving is even a good idea, the answer's different for everybody. I'm the sort of person who prefers to wander a bit. The fresh start is empowering and I like seeing new places and meeting new people. I'm a pretty independent spirit. You may or may not be able to loosen your friendships and family ties as easily as I did when I moved away from my own hometown, so consider it carefully before you pack your bags.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 9:06 PM on June 7, 2010
There are plenty of men in the Bay area who fit this description. I doubt that moving elsewhere will instantly get you access to an untapped pool of baby wanting men.
Do you date online? If so you could mention this somewhat casually in there (but not in an omg my biological clock is ticking kinda way.)
posted by special-k at 9:14 PM on June 7, 2010
Do you date online? If so you could mention this somewhat casually in there (but not in an omg my biological clock is ticking kinda way.)
posted by special-k at 9:14 PM on June 7, 2010
agreeing that there are plenty of men in the bay area who fit this description. my last two bfs (in my early and then mid20s) were super gungho about us SETTLING DOWN AND POPPING OUT BABIES (i am not... yet anyway) and i keep meeting guys around here who are like that... come on down to man jose...
posted by raw sugar at 9:23 PM on June 7, 2010
posted by raw sugar at 9:23 PM on June 7, 2010
Well far be it for me to give relationship advice ... but I'd say just stay in SF.
posted by Relay at 9:26 PM on June 7, 2010
posted by Relay at 9:26 PM on June 7, 2010
As a 32 year-old single Chicagoan I will say that its not necessarily full of men falling over themselves to have kids in my experience. I've read there are more single woman than men here. If you are serious about this you would have better odds picking somewhere with a lot more men than women (Alaska, etc).
posted by Bunglegirl at 9:29 PM on June 7, 2010
posted by Bunglegirl at 9:29 PM on June 7, 2010
Response by poster: (note: I was in SF age 18-26, been in LA since...)
posted by hellameangirl at 9:30 PM on June 7, 2010
posted by hellameangirl at 9:30 PM on June 7, 2010
I'm a guy that doesn't want to have kids. It isn't just a financial, cost of living thing for me but I've used that as an answer when pressed by women I've dated because it was easier than the million little reasons or the "I just don't" answer. I'm in the minority of dudes. Most guys do want to have kids, you're just don't seem to be fishing where the fish are. Moving won't solve your problem. The guys are all around you. Move because you have a great opportunity for work or you've fallen in love with another place. Don't move for to meet a guy you don't know exists yet.
I moved back to California from Austin. Yes, it is a little cheaper there, but I'd say the per capita guys that don't want to have kids is equal to SF or LA. The cheaper housing is in the suburbs, some of which make OC look like some sort of socialist commietown. Austin is a great city but I grew weary of the summer heat and my vote not counting at the state or national level. People still have McCain/Palin signs in their front yards. There's only a few days a year where it is cold. If it snows or there's an ice storm the whole place shuts down so it becomes a play day.
posted by birdherder at 9:31 PM on June 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
I moved back to California from Austin. Yes, it is a little cheaper there, but I'd say the per capita guys that don't want to have kids is equal to SF or LA. The cheaper housing is in the suburbs, some of which make OC look like some sort of socialist commietown. Austin is a great city but I grew weary of the summer heat and my vote not counting at the state or national level. People still have McCain/Palin signs in their front yards. There's only a few days a year where it is cold. If it snows or there's an ice storm the whole place shuts down so it becomes a play day.
posted by birdherder at 9:31 PM on June 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
Actually, if you want to meet single men 30 - 35, apparently you should move to Greenville, SC. It has 97 extra men per 1000 population in that age group, compared to LA (51) or SF (55, but I don't think the map means "single" the way you do).
If that's too cold, Pensacola, San Diego, Port St Lucie, FL and Reno all seem like good warm-weather bets. If you can stand a little cold, you might give Eugene (not Portland) a try.
You'd have to cross-map those places with Republican voting maps from the last election.
BTW, I don't think there's anything wrong with being upfront about what you're looking for when you're dating. My husband knew I wanted to get married and have kids when we started dating because I told him that. I didn't want to waste time with people who knew they were not there in their lives, no matter how good looking, smart, funny and hot they were. A lot of people start looking to settle down in their 30s, and are open to stuff that sent them screaming in their 20s, and it's that pool you want to swim in anyway.
Obviously, you don't want to start planning a wedding or naming kids over dessert, but I think "is open to marriage and kids" is as legitimate a criteria as "has a good sense of humour" or any other variable.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:43 PM on June 7, 2010 [7 favorites]
If that's too cold, Pensacola, San Diego, Port St Lucie, FL and Reno all seem like good warm-weather bets. If you can stand a little cold, you might give Eugene (not Portland) a try.
You'd have to cross-map those places with Republican voting maps from the last election.
BTW, I don't think there's anything wrong with being upfront about what you're looking for when you're dating. My husband knew I wanted to get married and have kids when we started dating because I told him that. I didn't want to waste time with people who knew they were not there in their lives, no matter how good looking, smart, funny and hot they were. A lot of people start looking to settle down in their 30s, and are open to stuff that sent them screaming in their 20s, and it's that pool you want to swim in anyway.
Obviously, you don't want to start planning a wedding or naming kids over dessert, but I think "is open to marriage and kids" is as legitimate a criteria as "has a good sense of humour" or any other variable.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:43 PM on June 7, 2010 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: Hmm, don't know much about Boulder or Denver..they strike me as sort of bland, unless you ski, which I don't.
I guess I wasn't meeting the right guys in SF..I never did online dating there though, maybe I would if I were there now.
Any thoughts on Seattle? Seems similar to SF but with cheaper costs, no?
posted by hellameangirl at 9:43 PM on June 7, 2010
I guess I wasn't meeting the right guys in SF..I never did online dating there though, maybe I would if I were there now.
Any thoughts on Seattle? Seems similar to SF but with cheaper costs, no?
posted by hellameangirl at 9:43 PM on June 7, 2010
Elaborating on my earlier answer - I live in Denver, and I wouldn't say that it's bland. Obviously, the scenery is a major attraction, but it's also a major city on its own merits. The cost of living is amazing, and Boulder has a reputation as a tech hub that's right up there with Seattle - plus the weather (320 days of sunshine on average, rather mild winters & summers) blows Seattle's out of the water, unless you prefer rain.
I'd do what others have suggested - be open about your preferences in what you're looking for with your dates. I don't think a change of scenery would help, one way or the other.
posted by arkhangel at 9:58 PM on June 7, 2010
I'd do what others have suggested - be open about your preferences in what you're looking for with your dates. I don't think a change of scenery would help, one way or the other.
posted by arkhangel at 9:58 PM on June 7, 2010
Boulder's young and trendy/techy. There's outdoor stuff galore, skiing's only part of it. Hiking/climbing/biking/kayaking- but it doesn't sound like you are outdoorsy, so this wouldn't be a turn-on for you. Yes Denver, just like every other city, has it's generic/suburby areas, but there's plenty of really cool places as well.
posted by TheBones at 10:08 PM on June 7, 2010
posted by TheBones at 10:08 PM on June 7, 2010
> ....Or is moving not the answer as I will have this dilemma in all metropolitan places?
While some places are more expensive than others, and there might be a few guys who opt not to have children because of the cost of living in their immediate area...
really, I suspect location and baby-making/family-starting disposition don't correlate all that closely. Or, better put, things like individual temperament, individual goals, individual financial status and career milestones, and, of course, age probably matter much more.
> A big reason they say they don't is the cost
Consider the say part emphasized... because there are probably unsaid factors that are playing a larger role. Having kids is a big deal, which means only a subset of men will be clearly set on having some children soon; the younger the men with whom you're involved, the smaller the size of that subset.
You're probably best off distinguishing in your own mind what you want sooner:
a) a congenial and career-supporting city;
b) a family-making guy .
You can get both a) and b), but focusing on going for one of them, and then getting that part out of the way, will make it easier to then focus on tending the second one.
Consider the logistics:
You can meet new men faster than you can move and resettle yourself in new cities. Honestly, you can get acquainted with and rule out ten guys on OKCupid in the time it would take to box and unbox all your stuff.
Ultimately, as the men you date get older, more of them will want kids. And the more men you meet, the sooner you'll meet someone who is ready for kids. And these two factors are valid, wherever you happen to live.
posted by darth_tedious at 10:50 PM on June 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
While some places are more expensive than others, and there might be a few guys who opt not to have children because of the cost of living in their immediate area...
really, I suspect location and baby-making/family-starting disposition don't correlate all that closely. Or, better put, things like individual temperament, individual goals, individual financial status and career milestones, and, of course, age probably matter much more.
> A big reason they say they don't is the cost
Consider the say part emphasized... because there are probably unsaid factors that are playing a larger role. Having kids is a big deal, which means only a subset of men will be clearly set on having some children soon; the younger the men with whom you're involved, the smaller the size of that subset.
You're probably best off distinguishing in your own mind what you want sooner:
a) a congenial and career-supporting city;
b) a family-making guy .
You can get both a) and b), but focusing on going for one of them, and then getting that part out of the way, will make it easier to then focus on tending the second one.
Consider the logistics:
You can meet new men faster than you can move and resettle yourself in new cities. Honestly, you can get acquainted with and rule out ten guys on OKCupid in the time it would take to box and unbox all your stuff.
Ultimately, as the men you date get older, more of them will want kids. And the more men you meet, the sooner you'll meet someone who is ready for kids. And these two factors are valid, wherever you happen to live.
posted by darth_tedious at 10:50 PM on June 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
My anecdotal experience coming from the Bay Area to Seattle is that Bay Area parents are older. All our friends there who are dads are in their early or mid 40s, 10-15 years older than me and my wife. My theory is that you have to be further along in your career and maybe on your second house to think about having kids in the Bay Area. In Seattle, there are more parents our age because the cost of living is lower. So I'd say you're on the right track: either move to a city with a lower cost of living, or start dating men in their late 30s.
posted by AlsoMike at 10:52 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by AlsoMike at 10:52 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
You live in a city that is much, much too large for you to have fully exhausted your possibilities. You're not going to find much different in another big city, if you follow the same approach to things. You might want to consider taking a vacation for a change of perspective before doing something so rash as a move-to-fix-things, which seldom works.
posted by davejay at 11:01 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by davejay at 11:01 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh, also: we thought about moving to Portland, and every single person we know there said "it's a terrible place to be single." So keep that in mind.
posted by davejay at 11:02 PM on June 7, 2010
posted by davejay at 11:02 PM on June 7, 2010
then again people say that about Los Angeles as well. and New York. but not Chicago, never Chicago.
posted by davejay at 11:03 PM on June 7, 2010
posted by davejay at 11:03 PM on June 7, 2010
So you move away and you meet the man of your dreams, and his family and friends are all in this new location, and he's never going to move. Still happy? If you want to live in California and your friends and family are in California, stay in California.
posted by MsMolly at 11:04 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by MsMolly at 11:04 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Why not just move about 40 miles south to San Jose/Silicon Valley? Full of men. Engineers. Single. Probably more family-oriented if they already live in the burbs...
posted by paultopia at 11:22 PM on June 7, 2010
posted by paultopia at 11:22 PM on June 7, 2010
> Why not just move about 40 miles south to San Jose/Silicon Valley?
Actually, I'd missed OP's reference to San Francisco, and paultopia makes an excellent point... though, for the love of God, OP should not actually move to the cultural parking lot that is Silicon Valley.
If OP actually does live in the Bay Area, and she wants to meet more men, taking a weekend trip down to female-free San Jose or Cupertino once per month should enable her to meet many, many, many intelligent, successful, available men, some of whom would no doubt be ready for a family.
posted by darth_tedious at 11:39 PM on June 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
Actually, I'd missed OP's reference to San Francisco, and paultopia makes an excellent point... though, for the love of God, OP should not actually move to the cultural parking lot that is Silicon Valley.
If OP actually does live in the Bay Area, and she wants to meet more men, taking a weekend trip down to female-free San Jose or Cupertino once per month should enable her to meet many, many, many intelligent, successful, available men, some of whom would no doubt be ready for a family.
posted by darth_tedious at 11:39 PM on June 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
Do you date online? If so you could mention this somewhat casually in there (but not in an omg my biological clock is ticking kinda way.)
posted by special-k
This. Seriously.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being *very* clear that your goal is to get married & have kids in the future. Don't wait until you're in a relationship to discover that your life plans don't mesh on such a major issue.
When I was dating online, I included "dreams of being a dad someday" in my "ideal person" section, right along with "owns a library card and knows how to use it" and all the other things I was looking for. Yes, it cut down on the number of guys that I dated, but it also let me focus my time and attention on people who had the potential for a long-term relationship & family. (It worked for me - I found a great guy & we now have 2 lovely kids.)
posted by belladonna at 12:15 AM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by special-k
This. Seriously.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being *very* clear that your goal is to get married & have kids in the future. Don't wait until you're in a relationship to discover that your life plans don't mesh on such a major issue.
When I was dating online, I included "dreams of being a dad someday" in my "ideal person" section, right along with "owns a library card and knows how to use it" and all the other things I was looking for. Yes, it cut down on the number of guys that I dated, but it also let me focus my time and attention on people who had the potential for a long-term relationship & family. (It worked for me - I found a great guy & we now have 2 lovely kids.)
posted by belladonna at 12:15 AM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
On the East Coast the way this often works is you meet a wonderful urbane liberal man in the city, fall in love, get married, then move somewhere more affordable to have and raise kids. The agenda-driven stud-finder approach turns many men off. However, as you're discovering, urban men are still pretty career-focused and dilatory in their 30s.
posted by nicwolff at 12:18 AM on June 8, 2010
posted by nicwolff at 12:18 AM on June 8, 2010
Two of my coworkers in the South Bay who are not wealthy just had kids. Geography isn't your problem.
posted by jewzilla at 1:19 AM on June 8, 2010
posted by jewzilla at 1:19 AM on June 8, 2010
Seattle is a great town, but the weather will kill you very, very sowly. I lived there for 6 years, but eventually had to leave because I was losing my mind. I now live in SF and love the weather here, so there's my 2c on that.
I really don't think location is your problem, though. LA is huge, and it can be hard to find a specific person in such a sprawling place. Keep looking though; stay positive, search out new avenues (online, join clubs, don't expect to find a decent guy in a bar, and so on), and be up front with guys about what you are looking for, and things will eventually fall together. Additionally, having a support network already in place (you say your friends and family are in California, so I assume that at least some of them live there in LA with you) can make you lazy, so try to step out of it when you can.
And for the love of God do not move to Orange County. That is the most bland and uninspiring place I've ever lived.
posted by Pecinpah at 4:19 AM on June 8, 2010
I really don't think location is your problem, though. LA is huge, and it can be hard to find a specific person in such a sprawling place. Keep looking though; stay positive, search out new avenues (online, join clubs, don't expect to find a decent guy in a bar, and so on), and be up front with guys about what you are looking for, and things will eventually fall together. Additionally, having a support network already in place (you say your friends and family are in California, so I assume that at least some of them live there in LA with you) can make you lazy, so try to step out of it when you can.
And for the love of God do not move to Orange County. That is the most bland and uninspiring place I've ever lived.
posted by Pecinpah at 4:19 AM on June 8, 2010
you would have better odds picking somewhere with a lot more men than women (Alaska, etc).
The odds are good, but the goods are odd.
posted by StickyCarpet at 5:35 AM on June 8, 2010 [5 favorites]
The odds are good, but the goods are odd.
posted by StickyCarpet at 5:35 AM on June 8, 2010 [5 favorites]
I don't think this is necessarily about where you live. If you're already 30, and you have to have children, you might want to imagine doing so without a husband/boyfriend.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:17 AM on June 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:17 AM on June 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
I agree with those who say it's not location. It sounds like it's your approach to dating. You should develop a sense of confidence putting "interested in having a family and building a partnered life" at the top of your selection criteria. And - this is the hard part - you have to get better at not pursuing people who say they won't be interested in that. Take them out of the pool right away, no matter how much fun they are, no matter how attracted you are. They're not going to change, or if they are, it probably won't be because of dating you. I learned this from scody here on MeFi: Believe what people tell you about themselves. If they tell you "I really don't see myself settled down with kids," they mean it. They are the best authority on this, and they have no reason to lie or bluff about it. those people aren't relationship material for you.
I'm a big believer in moving and starting over when you need to, and often it can provide a fantastic change of venue. People actually aren't all the same from place to place in the US, and some places really are friendlier to coupling up than others. But I think you have to determine whether your desire to move and start over is about moving for you, so you can feel you have a fresh start, or whether you really want to stay where you are but are just hoping to find a good partner. It does seem you should be able to find someone where you are; it's a big place. If you haven't tried online dating yet, definitely do. Depending on the site you use, it can offer you a pool of more serious people.
posted by Miko at 6:22 AM on June 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm a big believer in moving and starting over when you need to, and often it can provide a fantastic change of venue. People actually aren't all the same from place to place in the US, and some places really are friendlier to coupling up than others. But I think you have to determine whether your desire to move and start over is about moving for you, so you can feel you have a fresh start, or whether you really want to stay where you are but are just hoping to find a good partner. It does seem you should be able to find someone where you are; it's a big place. If you haven't tried online dating yet, definitely do. Depending on the site you use, it can offer you a pool of more serious people.
posted by Miko at 6:22 AM on June 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
The San Francisco area has a ton of single guys and every single one of my college buddies is married with two kids (I'm 40). I really doubt that cost of living is the problem. People who want kids just plain want kids and they find a way to make it work. People who don't just don't and it wouldn't matter if the government handed out wads of $100s daily to every parent - they just don't want kids.
It is possible that guys in their 20s aren't really thinking about kids and have a vauge idea that they don't want them because it will cramp their style or whatever, and things don't really settle down in their minds until they hit their thirties. You might just now be getting to the sort of age where more guys decide "Yeah, I'm ready to get married and have kids", so thinks should start looking a lot better in 3, 2, 1...
One other possibility is that you might be dating the wrong kind of guy. Generally speaking, if every guy you are finding is X and you want Y, it's not because there are no Ys around in the neighborhood, it's because there is something drawing you to the guys who are X and you are ignoring the Ys for whatever reason. I don't think a change of venue is going to solve anything if that's the case.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 7:31 AM on June 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
It is possible that guys in their 20s aren't really thinking about kids and have a vauge idea that they don't want them because it will cramp their style or whatever, and things don't really settle down in their minds until they hit their thirties. You might just now be getting to the sort of age where more guys decide "Yeah, I'm ready to get married and have kids", so thinks should start looking a lot better in 3, 2, 1...
One other possibility is that you might be dating the wrong kind of guy. Generally speaking, if every guy you are finding is X and you want Y, it's not because there are no Ys around in the neighborhood, it's because there is something drawing you to the guys who are X and you are ignoring the Ys for whatever reason. I don't think a change of venue is going to solve anything if that's the case.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 7:31 AM on June 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the input. A few things:
I have not *really* done online dating. I tried it last year (here in LA) and met 3 men, but there wasn't chemistry with any of them and I was tried of feeling like I was doing interviews, so I went back to just meeting guys through friends. But now I feel like I've exhausted all my friends-of-friends options, so I'm feeling in a rut. In addition though, I feel like the LA smog is more depressing than the SF fog, so I don't know if I could live here forever anyway, regardless of a man. I know people say Seattle rain is the pits, but I don't fancy myself a beach-bunny anyhow, and the idea of reading in a coffee shop on (multiple) rainy days is actually quite alluring.
I love SF, but when I lived there most of the guys I was with (including 2 long term boyfriends) were in their 30s, and were sure they didn't want kids. Because I was younger and in love with them, I stayed with each of them for far too long. Now they are pushing 40, and still childless, so I do know better now to nip things in the bud with who doesn't want kids.
Another thing, I feel like cost is an issue all over the Bay...the only friends I have in the bay who are married with kids are moving out of state. Maybe its that all my friends, the guys I usually date and I are all in creative fields, and its really hard to make a 6 figure income these cities require, unless you want to live in the hood.
Hmmm, still thinking..keep the input coming if you can, I appreciate it!
posted by hellameangirl at 8:44 AM on June 8, 2010
I have not *really* done online dating. I tried it last year (here in LA) and met 3 men, but there wasn't chemistry with any of them and I was tried of feeling like I was doing interviews, so I went back to just meeting guys through friends. But now I feel like I've exhausted all my friends-of-friends options, so I'm feeling in a rut. In addition though, I feel like the LA smog is more depressing than the SF fog, so I don't know if I could live here forever anyway, regardless of a man. I know people say Seattle rain is the pits, but I don't fancy myself a beach-bunny anyhow, and the idea of reading in a coffee shop on (multiple) rainy days is actually quite alluring.
I love SF, but when I lived there most of the guys I was with (including 2 long term boyfriends) were in their 30s, and were sure they didn't want kids. Because I was younger and in love with them, I stayed with each of them for far too long. Now they are pushing 40, and still childless, so I do know better now to nip things in the bud with who doesn't want kids.
Another thing, I feel like cost is an issue all over the Bay...the only friends I have in the bay who are married with kids are moving out of state. Maybe its that all my friends, the guys I usually date and I are all in creative fields, and its really hard to make a 6 figure income these cities require, unless you want to live in the hood.
Hmmm, still thinking..keep the input coming if you can, I appreciate it!
posted by hellameangirl at 8:44 AM on June 8, 2010
Forget Seattle if you think you're going to solve your dating problem. Same with Portland. Also, Seattle is ALSO not cheap. It's not the Bay Area but it's not Omaha. And if you're depressed by smog, you're not going to find the PNW's aggressive mist pleasing either.
A relationship shouldn't end because your goals on children aren't compatible. I would gently offer that the relationship shouldn't start unless you've determined that your goals on this are compatible.
Dating is a numbers game if you are interested in finding a man who wants to start a family. Friends of friends and casually going out won't do it. I worked with a guy who also desperately wanted to start a family and he was famous for being willing to go out on a date with ANYONE, his logic being that he wasn't going to be working towards starting a family sitting at home and playing on the MUD. He was very clear, always, that he was family-minded and looking to get married and start a family. He would start with a coffee date to test compatibility and move on from there. It worked. He's happy, married and has four kids. He was not rich, incredibly suave or debonair. He was a stone geek. But he was nice and personable and he worked hard at it.
You need to get over online dating and put up a profile that definitively states that your goal is a serious relationship with the goal of starting a family within the next few years. There are guys who are looking for that, too, and also don't want to waste time.
Ignore the "if you're 30 and don't have a husband you will never ever find one!!" statements. Those people are clearly very far from 30, or ageist.
posted by micawber at 9:25 AM on June 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
A relationship shouldn't end because your goals on children aren't compatible. I would gently offer that the relationship shouldn't start unless you've determined that your goals on this are compatible.
Dating is a numbers game if you are interested in finding a man who wants to start a family. Friends of friends and casually going out won't do it. I worked with a guy who also desperately wanted to start a family and he was famous for being willing to go out on a date with ANYONE, his logic being that he wasn't going to be working towards starting a family sitting at home and playing on the MUD. He was very clear, always, that he was family-minded and looking to get married and start a family. He would start with a coffee date to test compatibility and move on from there. It worked. He's happy, married and has four kids. He was not rich, incredibly suave or debonair. He was a stone geek. But he was nice and personable and he worked hard at it.
You need to get over online dating and put up a profile that definitively states that your goal is a serious relationship with the goal of starting a family within the next few years. There are guys who are looking for that, too, and also don't want to waste time.
Ignore the "if you're 30 and don't have a husband you will never ever find one!!" statements. Those people are clearly very far from 30, or ageist.
posted by micawber at 9:25 AM on June 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Online dating before moving. Through practice, time, and multiple profile iterations, you learn what to write, what to look for in a profile, and how to have fun phone conversations to screen people before you finally go out for coffee. It is an extremely valuable skill set. OkCupid is the best dating website, but it will depend at bit on your personality.
posted by zeek321 at 10:42 AM on June 8, 2010
posted by zeek321 at 10:42 AM on June 8, 2010
I met my husband a couple of months before I turned 30. He was 35. Ten years later we are married with 3 kids and love each other and them more every day. We argue like normal people and have huffy days but 99% of the time we're loving and happy.
What I did: Established in my head what I needed in terms of love and life. This wasn't a "would be nice" list, or a wishlist of "he loves to read what I love to read," but more of a way for me to keep myself from wasting time with men who wouldn't make me happy. First thing on that list was that we would be real friends who liked each other before taking further steps, especially into a physical relationship.
Don't be afraid to adjure yourself to grow up emotionally, financially, and otherwise, if you're attracting men flightier than you think they should be. (Not that this is your problem, but it's important that everyone bring his or her best self to the table.)
posted by mdiskin at 11:42 AM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
What I did: Established in my head what I needed in terms of love and life. This wasn't a "would be nice" list, or a wishlist of "he loves to read what I love to read," but more of a way for me to keep myself from wasting time with men who wouldn't make me happy. First thing on that list was that we would be real friends who liked each other before taking further steps, especially into a physical relationship.
Don't be afraid to adjure yourself to grow up emotionally, financially, and otherwise, if you're attracting men flightier than you think they should be. (Not that this is your problem, but it's important that everyone bring his or her best self to the table.)
posted by mdiskin at 11:42 AM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
A billion more people want children than don't want children. I think there's something about the guys that you're picking here (or your friend group). Location probably isn't the issue. Pick a place because you like it first off, don't pick it only because it's Alaska and easy man-pickins. If you prefer SF to LA, then move there for that. THEN worry about the men. Don't move to a place you don't like, where you end up settling down and having a family with a dude who refuses to leave the place if you don't like it.
I do think that you need to say ON THE FIRST DATE that you want children in a few years, and don't date anyone further who isn't agreed with that. Ditto putting that in an online profile (hate to say it, but you'll probably have to do it).
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:12 PM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I do think that you need to say ON THE FIRST DATE that you want children in a few years, and don't date anyone further who isn't agreed with that. Ditto putting that in an online profile (hate to say it, but you'll probably have to do it).
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:12 PM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'd agree with jenfullmoon that there's some lurking variable about the guys you pick (although it could also be sample size). Move if you feel like moving, but that probably isn't the issue.
posted by Pax at 9:16 PM on June 10, 2010
posted by Pax at 9:16 PM on June 10, 2010
Orange County isn't ALL republicans like so many seem to think. South Orange County may have a high concentration of them but it's still California, you can find liberals everywhere.
Anyway, I don't think it really matters what city you move to. Especially in a state as diverse as ours, you can find someone you're compatible with probably just about anywhere. But if I were you, I would try eHarmony. I've never used it but I've had friends that have and I hear nothing but good things. Couldn't hurt to try, right?
posted by mollyC at 8:17 AM on June 24, 2010
Anyway, I don't think it really matters what city you move to. Especially in a state as diverse as ours, you can find someone you're compatible with probably just about anywhere. But if I were you, I would try eHarmony. I've never used it but I've had friends that have and I hear nothing but good things. Couldn't hurt to try, right?
posted by mollyC at 8:17 AM on June 24, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by arkhangel at 8:59 PM on June 7, 2010 [5 favorites]