Things are going wrong too many times
June 7, 2010 3:54 PM Subscribe
I feel like I have no control over anything in my life and just drift around feeling helpless and miserable. What to do?
posted by anonymous to health & fitness (9 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
- I have bipolar disorder and recently have been in such a low slump that I have trouble performing basic tasks. My psychiatrist is little help as she just tells me I need to go on holiday. I have paranoid delusions and frequent suicidal feelings. I feel like things can't get better often. It's exhausting and hard to know how to actually do anything.
- I am having trouble with my SO of some years as he is finding my self-destruction frustrating. When I came over upset, reallly really upset, he got angry with me, telling me that not putting enough effort into my life meant it was my doing that I felt like this, and he was finding it hard to give a shit. I realise it may have been said in anger, but I'm really uncomfortable with it, and as much as I realise that I'm hard to be boyfriend to, it makes me wonder how to rebuild that trust; it's crossed a line for me. From his point of view, I'm 'failing at basic tasks' and it's making me feel more stressed. i'm worried our relationship can't be fixed; I'm worried that I am with someone who doesn't respond to my own needs and feelings but is all too aware of my failings - when he told me that, it cemented the way I feel, that I'm feeling as bad as I do because I'm inherently a bit of a crap person.
- i have problems with money. I feel like i;m addicted to spending money, and what I don;t want to admit to anyone is that it's recently bled over into shoplifting. This makes me feel obviously quite guilty and scared. I don't know why ut happens - that or the spending - and I can't seem to rationalise myself out of it
- Recently I've been feeling miserable because I'll be sharing with roommates for the foreseeable future. I've been doing this for ten years and I feel I have no autonomy over my space - I have to fit around others and in theory could be asked to leave at any time. I can;t afford to live alone, buying costs 15 times my salary and twice my salary for a deposit, and although my SO and I talked about moving in together at some point it's not a concrete plan, and I can't do anything to make it so.
- I'm failing at work because I feel distracted and crap. I know I'm slacking off etc. but can;t seem to get motivated. I'm scared to take time off sick because I don't want anyone to think I can;t handle things. I've been seen crying at work, I've arranged to work away from the office because I kept running to the toilets to burst into tears and couldn't work out why. I feel like I'm always having to put a front on because I need to to get things done and keep it together.
- i haven't spoken to my family in two months because I don't want them to worry about me.
- I used to be extremely good at writing, photography and other things but the constant battering to my mental health has made it all disappear. I feel like I'm suffocating under my own expectation. I feel like ever feeling I was talented was a horrible self-delusion.
- I sleep poorly, and I have a persistent and apparently undiagnoseable medical problem/infection which makes me feel irrationally miserable.
- After a couple of years of not doing so, I recently self-harmed. Already I have been trying to eat food which is off in the hope that it makes me sick or gives me an upset stomach, and last week I didn't wash for four days because it genuinely didn't seem worth doing.
- I feel paranoid all the time that everyone is talking about me, and doesn't like me or thinks I'm rubbish or incompetent. Every time there;s a meeting at work or I hear people talking at home I think it's about me. I keep hiding my feelings about things, because i don't want to push away or frighten people off me, and a lot of the time it feels like they just don't really matter to people other than the concern afforded by courtesy. I don't want to take holiday or time off work as I'll be in my flat all the time and I don't want to have to explain to people.
I',m afraid this does sound emo written down. Truth is, I feel like I'm heading for a breakdown and I'm scared. I know that for whatever reason I won't act on any suicidal thoughts I'm having, don;t worry. The feeling I'm really having right now is that I want to pack a bag and go somewhere and never come back. I feel like I just don't want to be myself anymore. I feel like I'm pushing away all the people who care about me and all the positive things in my life and perhaps this time it won't come back. feel like I need to wipe the slate clean and start again - if I had a valid passport I'd be booking tickets to somewhere nobody would look right now. I keep trying to be practical and knuckle down and make to-do lists but the truth is I don't feel I can do much more than be passive right now. I don;t want to go to a hospital, maybe that makes me a coward for not wanting to face up to things, but the truth is I feel like I've tried for a decade and now I don't know where to go from here.
I don't know how to make these feelings go away. I;m sorry if this is whingefilter, but I'd really appreciate some advice. Waiting lists for therapy are long and often during office hours. I;m at a point where I can't feel motivated to even start. I know my life could be a whole lot worse but not being able to pinpoint A Thing To Change doesn't make it easier.
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