Single and happy. No really.
June 4, 2010 8:01 AM Subscribe
How do I tactfully tell nosy people that I actually LIKE being single?
I am a thirty year old female that is single and self sufficient. I don't make a ton of money but I get by. I am getting sick of people telling me that I need to "get out there and meet someone".."What are you waiting for?! You're not getting any younger"..ect. so on and so forth.
I have had some pretty awful experiences with men in the past and am quite alright with staying single. I just hate it when people, who I'm sure have good intentions ask me when I'm jumping on the married/children bandwagon. I especially hate that look of pity on their faces, like I'm missing out on the greatest thing in the universe. I am happy at home alone with a good book and my dog.
I am a thirty year old female that is single and self sufficient. I don't make a ton of money but I get by. I am getting sick of people telling me that I need to "get out there and meet someone".."What are you waiting for?! You're not getting any younger"..ect. so on and so forth.
I have had some pretty awful experiences with men in the past and am quite alright with staying single. I just hate it when people, who I'm sure have good intentions ask me when I'm jumping on the married/children bandwagon. I especially hate that look of pity on their faces, like I'm missing out on the greatest thing in the universe. I am happy at home alone with a good book and my dog.
"Actually I'm very happy right now. How are you doing?"
posted by amethysts at 8:09 AM on June 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by amethysts at 8:09 AM on June 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
"honestly, I quite like my own company and that of friends. When the right person crosses my path I'll know it, and I'll be available instead of wasting my time with a bunch of people who aren't right for me."
posted by FlamingBore at 8:10 AM on June 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by FlamingBore at 8:10 AM on June 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
What's wrong with jusy "I actually LIKE being single?" Also it's a bit of a pity that you felt you had to post this anonymously. Not that I'm snoopy, just that you shouldn't feel any shame or need-to-hide anything you've just said. You're single and you're happy that way; that's a source of pride. Wear it!
posted by The otter lady at 8:10 AM on June 4, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by The otter lady at 8:10 AM on June 4, 2010 [4 favorites]
The trick is to be firm in your answers and to change the subject. "I'm really doing quite well right now, thanks - so how was your niece's dance recital last week?" If you reroute the question like that, most people will get the hint. Rude ones won't, and then you can feel free to switch to "I appreciate your concern but this is really none of your business, thanks very much."
posted by micawber at 8:17 AM on June 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by micawber at 8:17 AM on June 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
I absolutely hate that this happens in the real world and not just on bad TV and movies. I fortunately exist in a universe where it doesn't, but I can't imagine how annoying it must be.
(One of the benefits about having something that some people consider a "lifestyle choice" is that you end up with a little tact that the rest of the world seems to miss.)
I'm tempted to say that you say something clever about how based on some statistics most relationships end in divorce, so when it that going to happen to YOU?: But two wrongs don't make a right. I really don't think the sarcastic response - no matter how witty - is the way to go here. You aren't bitter, but even if you make a light hearted joke of it, people will continue to make their own wrong headed assumptions.
I think, "I'd rather be single" is the only answer. . There are a lot of people who seem to be so invested in the idea of their own life choices as the only right path that they can't possibly imagine someone else being original. And if people really can't stand your answer, that's their problem
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:17 AM on June 4, 2010
(One of the benefits about having something that some people consider a "lifestyle choice" is that you end up with a little tact that the rest of the world seems to miss.)
I'm tempted to say that you say something clever about how based on some statistics most relationships end in divorce, so when it that going to happen to YOU?: But two wrongs don't make a right. I really don't think the sarcastic response - no matter how witty - is the way to go here. You aren't bitter, but even if you make a light hearted joke of it, people will continue to make their own wrong headed assumptions.
I think, "I'd rather be single" is the only answer. . There are a lot of people who seem to be so invested in the idea of their own life choices as the only right path that they can't possibly imagine someone else being original. And if people really can't stand your answer, that's their problem
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:17 AM on June 4, 2010
"If it were important, I'd make time for it, but that's not where I'm headed."
Also, if they don't shut up about it, the honest question "Really? A relationship is essential for you to be happy? Why's that?" might lead to an interesting conversation.
posted by aimedwander at 8:19 AM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, if they don't shut up about it, the honest question "Really? A relationship is essential for you to be happy? Why's that?" might lead to an interesting conversation.
posted by aimedwander at 8:19 AM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Why?" complete with a weird look, as if they're insane for suggesting such a thing.
posted by Xany at 8:23 AM on June 4, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by Xany at 8:23 AM on June 4, 2010 [9 favorites]
I usually go with "I'm happy being single." Frustratingly, saying this in no way guarantees that people will believe me, but the fact that I state this and make no apologies for it usually changes the terms of the conversation, at least.
posted by EvaDestruction at 8:26 AM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by EvaDestruction at 8:26 AM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
The trick is to be firm in your answers and to change the subject. "I'm really doing quite well right now, thanks - so how was your niece's dance recital last week?" If you reroute the question like that, most people will get the hint.
Yes, this is my strategy with basically any line of conversation that I don't like getting into. You're not going to be able to convince them that being single is great and that you shouldn't be looking for a relationship, because the fact that they asked the question in the first place suggests that they don't really get that point of view. It's not much different from having people nag you about going to church if you are an atheist, the two of you aren't going to come to some sort of mutual understanding by hashing out why you disagree with each other.
So in these situations I just smile (to show that I'm not upset that they asked), say something vague (to acknowledge the question but not give them anything to respond to) and try to change the subject. It's generally hard for the other person to continue that line of conversation after that. That won't solve the root problem that you are annoyed that people think you shouldn't be single, but there's not really anything you can do about that, because from their personal perspective relationships really are better than being single.
posted by burnmp3s at 8:33 AM on June 4, 2010
Yes, this is my strategy with basically any line of conversation that I don't like getting into. You're not going to be able to convince them that being single is great and that you shouldn't be looking for a relationship, because the fact that they asked the question in the first place suggests that they don't really get that point of view. It's not much different from having people nag you about going to church if you are an atheist, the two of you aren't going to come to some sort of mutual understanding by hashing out why you disagree with each other.
So in these situations I just smile (to show that I'm not upset that they asked), say something vague (to acknowledge the question but not give them anything to respond to) and try to change the subject. It's generally hard for the other person to continue that line of conversation after that. That won't solve the root problem that you are annoyed that people think you shouldn't be single, but there's not really anything you can do about that, because from their personal perspective relationships really are better than being single.
posted by burnmp3s at 8:33 AM on June 4, 2010
I've realized that the people who bemoan my singlehood/childlessness are usually just feeling insecure about their own life choices and need positive reinforcement.
Here are some retorts:
- "If I have my own kids I won't like yours half as much" / "...You'll lose me as a babysitter."
- "Why do you want me to find a date, are you guys starting a swingers club?"
- "Why are you in such a rush for me to be miserable?"
- "I'm afraid if I meet the right guy I won't be able to keep up with my crocheting."
- "If I settle down and get married I'm going to have to give up this porn star lifestyle."
- "Kids today cost $260,000 each. I'd rather buy Ferrari."
- "I have been waiting to ask you - will you be my surrogate? And also adopt the baby afterwards? And raise it as your own and never mention me? I'll come by with a toy train once a year at Christmas."
- "Are you worried that if I don't settle down I'm going to finish my World Takeover ahead of schedule?"
- "If you're worried that I'm lonely, you can give me some cash for a mail-order husband. I think 10k should do it."
- Get an imaginary boyfriend and start ignoring your friends/people who hassle you about this. Whenever they want to tell you about their boring lives, just be like "So sorry, Tad and I are going to go see Babies in the theatre, I can't speak!" "Oops, I can't go to your housewarming because Tad is taking me to Bermuda!" Never ever hint that you are kidding. Make it equally clear that Tad is very much imaginary. They will eventually leave you alone.
posted by SassHat at 8:49 AM on June 4, 2010 [15 favorites]
Here are some retorts:
- "If I have my own kids I won't like yours half as much" / "...You'll lose me as a babysitter."
- "Why do you want me to find a date, are you guys starting a swingers club?"
- "Why are you in such a rush for me to be miserable?"
- "I'm afraid if I meet the right guy I won't be able to keep up with my crocheting."
- "If I settle down and get married I'm going to have to give up this porn star lifestyle."
- "Kids today cost $260,000 each. I'd rather buy Ferrari."
- "I have been waiting to ask you - will you be my surrogate? And also adopt the baby afterwards? And raise it as your own and never mention me? I'll come by with a toy train once a year at Christmas."
- "Are you worried that if I don't settle down I'm going to finish my World Takeover ahead of schedule?"
- "If you're worried that I'm lonely, you can give me some cash for a mail-order husband. I think 10k should do it."
- Get an imaginary boyfriend and start ignoring your friends/people who hassle you about this. Whenever they want to tell you about their boring lives, just be like "So sorry, Tad and I are going to go see Babies in the theatre, I can't speak!" "Oops, I can't go to your housewarming because Tad is taking me to Bermuda!" Never ever hint that you are kidding. Make it equally clear that Tad is very much imaginary. They will eventually leave you alone.
posted by SassHat at 8:49 AM on June 4, 2010 [15 favorites]
"Well, Joe, you've ruined me for other men."
"Oh, I'm waiting for astronaut Mike Dexter."
"Who would you drink with if I was married?"
"I thought about it, but my totem animal is the praying mantis and I just can't find a guy who'll let me rip his head off after mating!"
As you can tell, I go for lighthearted and silly and then change the subject.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:59 AM on June 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
"Oh, I'm waiting for astronaut Mike Dexter."
"Who would you drink with if I was married?"
"I thought about it, but my totem animal is the praying mantis and I just can't find a guy who'll let me rip his head off after mating!"
As you can tell, I go for lighthearted and silly and then change the subject.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:59 AM on June 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
Respond appropriately to the question.
Q: "When are you going to jump on the relationship bandwagon?"
A: "I'm not." [smile]
Q: "Why not?"
A: "Because I don't want to/I'm happier being alone."
Q: [further hinting as to how much more wonderful relationships can be and how you'd be so much happier if you'd just "settle down with a nice man"...]
A: [smile]
Don't respond if it's not a direct question.
If people are being rude enough to ask you such personal questions, the you have the right to be rude right back. If they're people you're not going to meet again, then it doesn't matter, and if they're close friends or family or whatever, being uncharacteristically rude will shut them up. You don't owe them anything, whoever they are. Being rude (or direct) is the most effective way that I've found of shutting people up. You won't get them to stop thinking that you're in some way at fault for not being shacked up, but you'll go some way to preventing you from asking the question in future.
Also, I just want to say, power to you for finding what makes you happy and going for it. A relationship can cause as many problems as it solves, if the questions on here are anything to go by.
posted by Solomon at 9:07 AM on June 4, 2010
Q: "When are you going to jump on the relationship bandwagon?"
A: "I'm not." [smile]
Q: "Why not?"
A: "Because I don't want to/I'm happier being alone."
Q: [further hinting as to how much more wonderful relationships can be and how you'd be so much happier if you'd just "settle down with a nice man"...]
A: [smile]
Don't respond if it's not a direct question.
If people are being rude enough to ask you such personal questions, the you have the right to be rude right back. If they're people you're not going to meet again, then it doesn't matter, and if they're close friends or family or whatever, being uncharacteristically rude will shut them up. You don't owe them anything, whoever they are. Being rude (or direct) is the most effective way that I've found of shutting people up. You won't get them to stop thinking that you're in some way at fault for not being shacked up, but you'll go some way to preventing you from asking the question in future.
Also, I just want to say, power to you for finding what makes you happy and going for it. A relationship can cause as many problems as it solves, if the questions on here are anything to go by.
posted by Solomon at 9:07 AM on June 4, 2010
Go for honesty. When I was single I used to just say "Because I like non-comittal dating". Which was...why i was happy being single.
From your question, you might say something like "I'm enjoying my alone time and the reflection it allows me. Plus DogglesMcGee wouldn't get as many bellyrubs if I brought someone home."
posted by WeekendJen at 9:08 AM on June 4, 2010
From your question, you might say something like "I'm enjoying my alone time and the reflection it allows me. Plus DogglesMcGee wouldn't get as many bellyrubs if I brought someone home."
posted by WeekendJen at 9:08 AM on June 4, 2010
When the right person crosses my path I'll know it,
Doesn't that sort of response assume the very thing the OP is trying to counter? That she likes being single, and isn't sitting by the phone waiting for "the right person" to come and make it all better?
"What are you waiting for?! You're not getting any younger"
Personally I wouldn't feel that such a statement deserves a tactful response; my inclination would be more towards the scathing end of the spectrum. But since you asked for tactful, I'd just keep it simple: "I'm not waiting for anything. I like my life as it is."
posted by ook at 9:23 AM on June 4, 2010
Doesn't that sort of response assume the very thing the OP is trying to counter? That she likes being single, and isn't sitting by the phone waiting for "the right person" to come and make it all better?
"What are you waiting for?! You're not getting any younger"
Personally I wouldn't feel that such a statement deserves a tactful response; my inclination would be more towards the scathing end of the spectrum. But since you asked for tactful, I'd just keep it simple: "I'm not waiting for anything. I like my life as it is."
posted by ook at 9:23 AM on June 4, 2010
Greg Nog's "You sound just like my mom!" is blisteringly effective on younger people, even when said pleasantly. Older people probably won't get the implied insult ("What's wrong with moms? I'm a mom! And moms know what's best!"). Plus, if they've gotten to middle age or beyond without developing the ability to take a hint, they're not gonna take yours, so you'll have to be more direct.
A direct statement followed by diversion like micawber suggests is usually quite effective since people love to talk about themselves and their own families. Particularly busybodies, I've found. Keep re-directing them to talk about themselves and pretty soon they'll forget all about you. Until the next time you meet, when you simply re-apply this tactic. It gets old, but if you consistently give them the same message and don't divulge anything juicy about your life or feelings, they'll eventually move on to more interesting (= gossipworthy) victims.
posted by Quietgal at 9:25 AM on June 4, 2010
A direct statement followed by diversion like micawber suggests is usually quite effective since people love to talk about themselves and their own families. Particularly busybodies, I've found. Keep re-directing them to talk about themselves and pretty soon they'll forget all about you. Until the next time you meet, when you simply re-apply this tactic. It gets old, but if you consistently give them the same message and don't divulge anything juicy about your life or feelings, they'll eventually move on to more interesting (= gossipworthy) victims.
posted by Quietgal at 9:25 AM on June 4, 2010
"Holy shit, dude, you sound like my mom" is an answer that generally seems to induce shame.
Seconded.
If you want to be kinder, you can give a cheerful, "oh, you know what they say about you can't hurry love, I think there's even a song about it." And then a nice, zen, "living my life to be happy in the moment" sort of follow-up.
When I was happily single, for some reason it was REALLY REALLY important to people that I be "open to the idea at least!" of finding twooo wuv. Fine. I'm "open" to it. I promise I'm not going to intentionally reject interpersonal relationships, including [eyeroll] "Mr. Right" just to stubbornly prove to you that I really don't want a boyfriend. There, have I reassured you that I'm not suicidal or delusional? P.S. My relationship desires are in no way a commentary on yours. I swear. You're not making me sad. I swear. For fuck's sake please tell me your funny story about your husband. Really.
If you do happen to find yourself in a relationship at some point, you can look forward to the smug I-told-you-sos which allegedly repudiate your former status as a happily single person. Man, people project a lot.
posted by desuetude at 9:29 AM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Seconded.
If you want to be kinder, you can give a cheerful, "oh, you know what they say about you can't hurry love, I think there's even a song about it." And then a nice, zen, "living my life to be happy in the moment" sort of follow-up.
When I was happily single, for some reason it was REALLY REALLY important to people that I be "open to the idea at least!" of finding twooo wuv. Fine. I'm "open" to it. I promise I'm not going to intentionally reject interpersonal relationships, including [eyeroll] "Mr. Right" just to stubbornly prove to you that I really don't want a boyfriend. There, have I reassured you that I'm not suicidal or delusional? P.S. My relationship desires are in no way a commentary on yours. I swear. You're not making me sad. I swear. For fuck's sake please tell me your funny story about your husband. Really.
If you do happen to find yourself in a relationship at some point, you can look forward to the smug I-told-you-sos which allegedly repudiate your former status as a happily single person. Man, people project a lot.
posted by desuetude at 9:29 AM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Different strokes for different folks - I LOVE being on my own. I'm happy and I wouldn't have it any other way! To each his own."
If the clueless person persists, look at them like they fell off a turnip truck, and go "Are you insane? Then why are you suggesting I change my happy state?" Or: "How about you join a circus? No? See - different strokes for different folks."
posted by VikingSword at 9:29 AM on June 4, 2010
If the clueless person persists, look at them like they fell off a turnip truck, and go "Are you insane? Then why are you suggesting I change my happy state?" Or: "How about you join a circus? No? See - different strokes for different folks."
posted by VikingSword at 9:29 AM on June 4, 2010
I do the - look around like I can't isolate where a voice is coming from and say, "Mom? Mom? Is that you?" when I get pushy advice like this. Usually I just say that I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong person and most people really can't argue with that.
posted by lemniskate at 9:59 AM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by lemniskate at 9:59 AM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
When I was this person, and the other person wouldn't let it go, I would tell the following story.
"My ninety three year old great grandmother just passed away this year. Except for a few accidents and suicides, my genes live forever. Even cancer can't get us. With medical advancement, I'm going to live till 130. Meanwhile, the average man seems stuck at living till his mid eighties. Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll live to break triple digits.
"So basically, the man I'm going to live the rest of my life with. The one who will see me into old age. He's not even born yet. And really, I'm not planning to be a pedo either. So I'm just sitting back and waiting for my soul mate to be legal. I don't think it's too much to ask. For now I'm just killing time, and it seems mean to just lead men on when I know it can't work out. Feel free to come back in twenty-twenty five years to see how the search is going."
posted by politikitty at 10:03 AM on June 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
"My ninety three year old great grandmother just passed away this year. Except for a few accidents and suicides, my genes live forever. Even cancer can't get us. With medical advancement, I'm going to live till 130. Meanwhile, the average man seems stuck at living till his mid eighties. Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll live to break triple digits.
"So basically, the man I'm going to live the rest of my life with. The one who will see me into old age. He's not even born yet. And really, I'm not planning to be a pedo either. So I'm just sitting back and waiting for my soul mate to be legal. I don't think it's too much to ask. For now I'm just killing time, and it seems mean to just lead men on when I know it can't work out. Feel free to come back in twenty-twenty five years to see how the search is going."
posted by politikitty at 10:03 AM on June 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
During my single times this kind of conversation with someone just made me not spend time with them much. If they knew me well enough, they knew better than to hassle me and if they didn't, I didn't care a wit to justify my lifestyle to them.
I think living your life in the way it makes you happy is the best way to deflect these types of questions. That way you can honestly (and happily) retort, "I'm loving life now. Thanks anyway."
posted by ms.jones at 10:04 AM on June 4, 2010
I think living your life in the way it makes you happy is the best way to deflect these types of questions. That way you can honestly (and happily) retort, "I'm loving life now. Thanks anyway."
posted by ms.jones at 10:04 AM on June 4, 2010
I start with a short, polite riff on micawber's, "I'm single because I like it that way and how about that f***ing oil spill."
But if the hint is not gotten, I just tell the truth. "Because I realized a long, long time ago that conforming with society's expectations wasn't good for me, and thus I tend to go with my inner directives."
posted by philip-random at 10:08 AM on June 4, 2010
But if the hint is not gotten, I just tell the truth. "Because I realized a long, long time ago that conforming with society's expectations wasn't good for me, and thus I tend to go with my inner directives."
posted by philip-random at 10:08 AM on June 4, 2010
I'm not sure there's a quick, or even medium-length retort that will get people off your case. Those of us that like being single are just hold a minority viewpoint. Women definitely get it worse than guys, so I'm sure its frustrating.
The only way I've found to deal with it is to make sure people see that you're getting out and enjoying your life. But, few people are going to be convinced in a short time. Coupling up is equal to religious belief to people. They can't imagine anyone that would see it differently.
posted by bend2squares at 10:20 AM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
The only way I've found to deal with it is to make sure people see that you're getting out and enjoying your life. But, few people are going to be convinced in a short time. Coupling up is equal to religious belief to people. They can't imagine anyone that would see it differently.
posted by bend2squares at 10:20 AM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Wow, you're right. Why didn't I think of that? It never crossed my mind. I'm 30 and not getting any younger. Thank you. I don't think I would have thought of that. In fact,it never occurred to me to get out there and meet someone. Remarkably, I'm well educated, hold a respectable job, pay my bills, have friends, do what I want to do with my life; and yet I didn't even realize I should be married. Now that I've had this epiphany, can I interview you about your marriage? I want to make sure I get it as perfect as you. I'll call you. I got to go. See ya."
posted by ChicagoTherapyConnection at 10:36 AM on June 4, 2010
posted by ChicagoTherapyConnection at 10:36 AM on June 4, 2010
If it's any consolation, my experience is that another few years of saying some of the retorts above (in my case, it was mostly just saying how happy I was with my life), people will stop pestering.
posted by ldthomps at 10:56 AM on June 4, 2010
posted by ldthomps at 10:56 AM on June 4, 2010
Maybe it's just me, but CTC's snarky and overlong reply is exactly the sort of thing that sounds good in a movie, but not so well when replying to someone who has the best of intentions. It'll make you look like a dick despite the fact that these sort of inquiries are aggravating no matter what the intention.
So yeah, micawber and others with a non-commital answer and a re-direct.
posted by canine epigram at 11:07 AM on June 4, 2010
So yeah, micawber and others with a non-commital answer and a re-direct.
posted by canine epigram at 11:07 AM on June 4, 2010
I'm inclined to say that somewhat silly "shrug it off"-type remarks such as the ones suggested by SassHat (ie. "If I have my own kids I won't like yours half as much" / "...You'll lose me as a babysitter.") might not have the intended effect. People with highly developed people skills might get the idea and back off, but people with highly developed people skills probably aren't the ones asking you this question. Less perceptive people might see this as a sort of "sour grapes" answer, suggesting that you actually would like to have a SO, but are tired of talking about it or have simply resigned yourself to your fate of singleness. They may or may not discontinue their line of questioning for the moment, but they may walk away with the mistaken impression that you're hiding some inner pain, and a mental note to ask you again later
Also, when deciding how forcefully to react, I'd suggest considering carefully the tone of the question and the way it was phrased. "How're things going for you? Are you seeing anyone?" may just be someone making what they perceive to be normal conversation. After all, the answer to the question "are you seeing anyone" usually changes at some point in most people's lives, and assuming the asker is reasonably close to you, asking doesn't necessarily mean pushing you toward that goal. For causal inquiries, I'd just suggest something like "No, and I'm not looking for anyone either. I'm pretty happy with how things turned out". Someone who was just curious will be satisfied with that.
On the other hand, the people who ask "why aren't you dating yet?" or who point out that your "biological clock is ticking" are obviously more than curious, and may have to be met with a more forceful response.
posted by Vorteks at 11:11 AM on June 4, 2010
Also, when deciding how forcefully to react, I'd suggest considering carefully the tone of the question and the way it was phrased. "How're things going for you? Are you seeing anyone?" may just be someone making what they perceive to be normal conversation. After all, the answer to the question "are you seeing anyone" usually changes at some point in most people's lives, and assuming the asker is reasonably close to you, asking doesn't necessarily mean pushing you toward that goal. For causal inquiries, I'd just suggest something like "No, and I'm not looking for anyone either. I'm pretty happy with how things turned out". Someone who was just curious will be satisfied with that.
On the other hand, the people who ask "why aren't you dating yet?" or who point out that your "biological clock is ticking" are obviously more than curious, and may have to be met with a more forceful response.
posted by Vorteks at 11:11 AM on June 4, 2010
Here's food for thought. I was speaking with someone about houses-we were discussing various aspects of making them our homes and I said to him, you should come see what I'm doing. He responded with "yeah......maybe I should", dragging out the word 'yeah' and emphasizing the word "should", as if to say to me, "you might want to be more careful about what you tell people they should or should not do", implying rather subtly that persuasion would be more palatable expressed as suggestion, not imperative. Not everyone will catch on to that kind of subtlety, though I use the form occasionally.
Since then, I have adopted phrases like, "you might want to consider/think of..." or "food for thought". I get the feeling people then feel like they have some say in the matter.
Your friends, for better or for worse, are just adhering to a set of norms they think are important. You can rise above it, even if you have to drag them kicking and screaming.
Besides, beliefs need adherents, no? If their lives are drab and wretched...and they're married, chances are having another acolyte makes the whole thing seem more normal. As in "we're all in this together", as opposed to "boy, this blows dead rhinos-how can I make this work without having to rope in another poor slob just to make myself feel better about the catastrophic choice I've made".
I'm of the "kill 'em with kindness" school of thought. I'm not saying it'll work for you. I know vaguely how you feel. Women of every stripe tell me they have a friend who's PERFECT for me. I've managed to fend them all off, politely.
Everyone posted here with enough variety that you can likely fashion a response for all kinds of come-ons.
Good luck, either way!!
posted by girdyerloins at 11:16 AM on June 4, 2010
Since then, I have adopted phrases like, "you might want to consider/think of..." or "food for thought". I get the feeling people then feel like they have some say in the matter.
Your friends, for better or for worse, are just adhering to a set of norms they think are important. You can rise above it, even if you have to drag them kicking and screaming.
Besides, beliefs need adherents, no? If their lives are drab and wretched...and they're married, chances are having another acolyte makes the whole thing seem more normal. As in "we're all in this together", as opposed to "boy, this blows dead rhinos-how can I make this work without having to rope in another poor slob just to make myself feel better about the catastrophic choice I've made".
I'm of the "kill 'em with kindness" school of thought. I'm not saying it'll work for you. I know vaguely how you feel. Women of every stripe tell me they have a friend who's PERFECT for me. I've managed to fend them all off, politely.
Everyone posted here with enough variety that you can likely fashion a response for all kinds of come-ons.
Good luck, either way!!
posted by girdyerloins at 11:16 AM on June 4, 2010
"What are you waiting for?! You're not getting any younger"
"wow, that's weird, I wasn't aware that humans came with a sell-by date..."
seriously, if they're going to be that fucking rude, they deserve snark as a response. Even if they're parents. The passive-aggressive bullshit "oh honey I was just joking" response doesn't fly either. If it really bugs you, then as people pointed out above, you have every right to call them on it. Why are they so invested in your life, anyway?
for the record, you're in the same place I was in my early-mid thirties, except I think I wasn't even so much confident in my lifestyle (as it sounds you are) but more just sort of stuck at overgrown teenager-hood. I applaud you for your groundedness.
And, I hate to be the bearer of bad news: sometimes this never goes away with anything besides time. My mom finally quit hassling me to settle down and breed right around the time I turned 35 and had been robotically repeating the same snarky answers to her as I had been for the past decade or so.
posted by lonefrontranger at 11:56 AM on June 4, 2010
"wow, that's weird, I wasn't aware that humans came with a sell-by date..."
seriously, if they're going to be that fucking rude, they deserve snark as a response. Even if they're parents. The passive-aggressive bullshit "oh honey I was just joking" response doesn't fly either. If it really bugs you, then as people pointed out above, you have every right to call them on it. Why are they so invested in your life, anyway?
for the record, you're in the same place I was in my early-mid thirties, except I think I wasn't even so much confident in my lifestyle (as it sounds you are) but more just sort of stuck at overgrown teenager-hood. I applaud you for your groundedness.
And, I hate to be the bearer of bad news: sometimes this never goes away with anything besides time. My mom finally quit hassling me to settle down and breed right around the time I turned 35 and had been robotically repeating the same snarky answers to her as I had been for the past decade or so.
posted by lonefrontranger at 11:56 AM on June 4, 2010
In response to the "You need to get out there and meet someone" thing, a good response would be to say you're pretty content the way things are. Getting out there and meeting someone doesn't mean that someone will be anyone great.
If they go for the "You're not getting any younger" route, that's even more rude. But if these are people you'd really rather not offend despite their rudeness (for example, one of my grandma's 80 year-old female friends recently asked me when I'm getting married, without even knowing whether or not I have a boyfriend... how about that!), I would still just go for a generic "Yeah, you know, I'm doing okay, but thanks" sort of response.
If they keep pressing you, I'd still try to keep it as generic as possible and try to change the subject without getting into detail about why you're so happy or about your awful past experiences with men. I say that because if you really try to convince these people that you are honestly happy without being in a relationship, they'll probably just feel bad for you or think you're lying. Some people just can't fathom such a thing. You could also say you're open to the possibility if the right person comes along, but in the meantime you're enjoying your life. To me that is a sensible response for anyone.
posted by wondermouse at 12:07 PM on June 4, 2010
If they go for the "You're not getting any younger" route, that's even more rude. But if these are people you'd really rather not offend despite their rudeness (for example, one of my grandma's 80 year-old female friends recently asked me when I'm getting married, without even knowing whether or not I have a boyfriend... how about that!), I would still just go for a generic "Yeah, you know, I'm doing okay, but thanks" sort of response.
If they keep pressing you, I'd still try to keep it as generic as possible and try to change the subject without getting into detail about why you're so happy or about your awful past experiences with men. I say that because if you really try to convince these people that you are honestly happy without being in a relationship, they'll probably just feel bad for you or think you're lying. Some people just can't fathom such a thing. You could also say you're open to the possibility if the right person comes along, but in the meantime you're enjoying your life. To me that is a sensible response for anyone.
posted by wondermouse at 12:07 PM on June 4, 2010
My stock answer to this is: "There are several thing worse than being alone, and one of them is being with someone for the wrong reasons." Everyone seems to kind of get the truth of that statement, I get lots of nods and "true" and "been there" responses. Then I follow it up with "I'm happy on my own for now."
When people ask me about kids, I joke that I can barely handle taking care of my cats. If they push, I will admit this much: "I'm way too selfish to have kids." If they push further than that, I tell them the straight-up truth: "I hate children and I don't want any."
By the way, I don't see any need to politely rebuff people who are asking really impolite questions.
posted by stennieville at 1:20 PM on June 4, 2010
When people ask me about kids, I joke that I can barely handle taking care of my cats. If they push, I will admit this much: "I'm way too selfish to have kids." If they push further than that, I tell them the straight-up truth: "I hate children and I don't want any."
By the way, I don't see any need to politely rebuff people who are asking really impolite questions.
posted by stennieville at 1:20 PM on June 4, 2010
At a large family gathering many years ago, an irritatingly persistent relative asked me this and just WOULD NOT LET IT GO, no matter how pleasantly I deflected her attempts. I finally announced, in a greatly put-upon tone, "I could never possibly be satisfied by fucking just one man or woman for the rest of my life. I guess I'm just waiting for the perfect couple."
No one in my family has ever asked me again.
posted by elizardbits at 1:25 PM on June 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
No one in my family has ever asked me again.
posted by elizardbits at 1:25 PM on June 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
I really like Miss Manners' "How kind of you to take an interest," repeated ad nauseum.
posted by IndigoRain at 1:37 PM on June 4, 2010
posted by IndigoRain at 1:37 PM on June 4, 2010
When I was happily single, for some reason it was REALLY REALLY important to people that I be "open to the idea at least!" of finding twooo wuv. Fine. I'm "open" to it. I promise I'm not going to intentionally reject interpersonal relationships, including [eyeroll] "Mr. Right" just to stubbornly prove to you that I really don't want a boyfriend. There, have I reassured you that I'm not suicidal or delusional?
Oh god, yeah, I get this too. So irritating. How DARE you say that odds are you'll probably never get married BECAUSE THAT WILL MAKE IT TRUE OH NOES THE SECRET SAID...or something. Um, I've said plenty of shit and then the opposite happened, so I don't think my saying it's unlikely to change is "not being open to it."
Really, some people (oh, let's be honest, most of 'em) aren't going to believe you on this point no matter what you say or do. But I try to point out that even if I desperately wanted A Man right now and was dating every creep on match.com every moment that I could, that would not necessarily make me find The One here. I also like to cite the book "The Curse Of The Singles Table" as an example of a woman who dated buttloads of people, to the point of flying to other countries to look for men, and still couldn't find The One for over three years. You can't hurry love, indeed.
So really, you can't do jack about it until the day you get lucky, and you're enjoying yourself now. What's so wrong about that?
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:18 PM on June 4, 2010
Oh god, yeah, I get this too. So irritating. How DARE you say that odds are you'll probably never get married BECAUSE THAT WILL MAKE IT TRUE OH NOES THE SECRET SAID...or something. Um, I've said plenty of shit and then the opposite happened, so I don't think my saying it's unlikely to change is "not being open to it."
Really, some people (oh, let's be honest, most of 'em) aren't going to believe you on this point no matter what you say or do. But I try to point out that even if I desperately wanted A Man right now and was dating every creep on match.com every moment that I could, that would not necessarily make me find The One here. I also like to cite the book "The Curse Of The Singles Table" as an example of a woman who dated buttloads of people, to the point of flying to other countries to look for men, and still couldn't find The One for over three years. You can't hurry love, indeed.
So really, you can't do jack about it until the day you get lucky, and you're enjoying yourself now. What's so wrong about that?
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:18 PM on June 4, 2010
I've been thinking about this a lot, because for some reason these questions have intensified recently. And it's hard because often the people asking are really nice, and you don't want to give them the snotty response. My situation is a little different than yours, because I never decided to be single excatly, I just am. If I had the choice I suppose wouldn't be, but that doesn't mean I don't like my life, or that I don't really appreciate a lot of things about being single.
So for the short answer, I've decided the next time someone asks me why I don't have a boyfriend, or kids, I'm going to smile happily and say I didn't know it was required. For the long answer I was going to recommend something like what stennieville suggested. When I really want to explain it to someone, I say that I've witnessed a lot of bad relationships and dating stupidity and useless drama, and I'd much rather be happy on my own than in a bad or boring or incompatible relationship. I think most people can see the case for not being with someone just to be with someone. (Those who can't get the snotty responses.)
And you know...I kind of suspect that many people with the whole husband-two-kids-minivan-dog-picket-fence life are, on some level, slightly jealous of your freedom. Whether that makes them cling to their "you must be coupled!!" attitude even harder, or allows them to eventually see your POV, depends on what kind of people they are. But just something to think about when they're questioning you.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 2:33 PM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
So for the short answer, I've decided the next time someone asks me why I don't have a boyfriend, or kids, I'm going to smile happily and say I didn't know it was required. For the long answer I was going to recommend something like what stennieville suggested. When I really want to explain it to someone, I say that I've witnessed a lot of bad relationships and dating stupidity and useless drama, and I'd much rather be happy on my own than in a bad or boring or incompatible relationship. I think most people can see the case for not being with someone just to be with someone. (Those who can't get the snotty responses.)
And you know...I kind of suspect that many people with the whole husband-two-kids-minivan-dog-picket-fence life are, on some level, slightly jealous of your freedom. Whether that makes them cling to their "you must be coupled!!" attitude even harder, or allows them to eventually see your POV, depends on what kind of people they are. But just something to think about when they're questioning you.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 2:33 PM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm a big fan of either "Duly noted" or "Nope, I like slutting it up too much," depending on the audience.
posted by KathrynT at 2:56 PM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by KathrynT at 2:56 PM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
I always like this stock reply to rude questions: "Why do you need to know?" If you are physically capable of raising one eyebrow, more the better.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:10 PM on June 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:10 PM on June 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
Why not say something, and just give a jaw-dropped, eyebrows-raised, shocked look. You know, the look you have when someone says something incredibly rude and presumptuous.
posted by Houstonian at 4:18 PM on June 4, 2010
posted by Houstonian at 4:18 PM on June 4, 2010
I replied to the "Why aren't you married yet?" with "Because I have enough problems."
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 4:23 PM on June 4, 2010
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 4:23 PM on June 4, 2010
Laugh a little. For real though. No fake laughter. And don't explain. Don't go into why you are happy being single. That, too, is none of their business. That is to say, given the way such conversation start there is no reason to treat it as you might a real conversation. The asker has decided to question you about (bluntly point out) the one thing they have deemed you lack in the world (because: it makes them feel better). You don't have to hold up your end of this type of conversation. Just laugh, or smile and maybe talk to someone else
posted by marimeko at 5:29 PM on June 4, 2010
posted by marimeko at 5:29 PM on June 4, 2010
When I was a single gal, this was my answer:
"Because being single is awesome, no one tells you shit about shit."
That worked for me really well.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 5:53 PM on June 4, 2010
"Because being single is awesome, no one tells you shit about shit."
That worked for me really well.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 5:53 PM on June 4, 2010
By the way, when I got asked, "When are you getting married?" by my grandparents' 80 year-old friend, I was so startled that I couldn't even think of a response that involved words. What happened was I got a really pained look on my face and said, "Aaaaahhh!!!!!!" Then my grandfather looked at me in puzzlement and said, "What? You're not too young to get married." Then I just sort of stared at both of them with the pained look still on my face, and eventually people started talking about something else. I guess it worked.
posted by wondermouse at 6:38 PM on June 4, 2010
posted by wondermouse at 6:38 PM on June 4, 2010
Some great comments here and I hope you realize that the number of people choosing to remain single has grown significantly in the last fifty years, so you should have a larger group of folks in your demographic. I think there are support groups called Single by Choice, or books called The Gift of Solitude. The internet is a great resource for all types of people looking for very specific types of social interaction without treading the matrimony route.
I will tell you as a woman who loves a life of solitude and contemplation, it is very fulfilling and I have no regrets about my choice. You'll just have to reaffirm your choice to others who take the more traditional route, and it will clarify your decision. Think of all the women historically who would have loved the opportunity to be single, and could not make that choice.
One of my biggest dilemmas has been the difficulty maintaining friendships with other women who are married. Eventually, two things have happened over the course of a few years: the husband wants to know if he can have sex with me, even though I never, ever indicate any interest in my friend's spouse. This always kills the friendship. The other is that the woman imagines I am very lonely and would love to assume responsibility for her childcare. When I decline, this also kills the friendship. Both of these dynamic patterns make me very glad I am still single.
I also have a string of virtual husbands that I joke about when I want to be playful about the topic. I consider myself married to Jan Van Eyck, Jerome Bosch, Raphael Sanzio, Rembrandt, and Issac Newton. This list goes on. ;} This can gently segue the topic onto some intellectual discussion which will be more interesting.
Good luck. Finally, one of my favorite quotes: "A bore is someone who deprives you of your solitude without providing company."
posted by effluvia at 7:18 PM on June 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
I will tell you as a woman who loves a life of solitude and contemplation, it is very fulfilling and I have no regrets about my choice. You'll just have to reaffirm your choice to others who take the more traditional route, and it will clarify your decision. Think of all the women historically who would have loved the opportunity to be single, and could not make that choice.
One of my biggest dilemmas has been the difficulty maintaining friendships with other women who are married. Eventually, two things have happened over the course of a few years: the husband wants to know if he can have sex with me, even though I never, ever indicate any interest in my friend's spouse. This always kills the friendship. The other is that the woman imagines I am very lonely and would love to assume responsibility for her childcare. When I decline, this also kills the friendship. Both of these dynamic patterns make me very glad I am still single.
I also have a string of virtual husbands that I joke about when I want to be playful about the topic. I consider myself married to Jan Van Eyck, Jerome Bosch, Raphael Sanzio, Rembrandt, and Issac Newton. This list goes on. ;} This can gently segue the topic onto some intellectual discussion which will be more interesting.
Good luck. Finally, one of my favorite quotes: "A bore is someone who deprives you of your solitude without providing company."
posted by effluvia at 7:18 PM on June 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
If you're near the computer, you could play this song for them.
posted by ambulocetus at 10:56 PM on June 4, 2010
posted by ambulocetus at 10:56 PM on June 4, 2010
I've had good luck with a cheerful noncommittal attitude. Because I *am* cheerfully noncommittal about Grand Spousal Plans or Little Bundles of Joy, there's really nothing for anyone to try to argue with or tease me about. Back when I was going through a surlier phase and got combative or tried to be clever between relationships, people just took that as me being defensive about the sad lack of husbands in my life and got much more obnoxious. I understand that you're more opposed than noncommittal, but noncommittal would probably cause fewer uncomfortable discussions, since you can't argue with someone who seems to be vaguely agreeing with you.
"Get out there and meet someone" = "Eh. I have a ton of stuff going on. I'm not super concerned about meeting someone right now."
"What are you waiting for?! You're not getting any younger" = "Eh. Nope. Guess not. That's life."
[similar comment about waiting too long to have babies] = "Eh. I might have to adopt, I guess, but I'm okay with that."
In true surfer zen fashion, the "eh" is generally accompanied by a shrug.
posted by wending my way at 11:24 PM on June 4, 2010
"Get out there and meet someone" = "Eh. I have a ton of stuff going on. I'm not super concerned about meeting someone right now."
"What are you waiting for?! You're not getting any younger" = "Eh. Nope. Guess not. That's life."
[similar comment about waiting too long to have babies] = "Eh. I might have to adopt, I guess, but I'm okay with that."
In true surfer zen fashion, the "eh" is generally accompanied by a shrug.
posted by wending my way at 11:24 PM on June 4, 2010
Miss Manners' standard reply of "Why do you ask?" (with genuine interest) to these types of questions is polite and non-snarky, and can reverse the question/response pattern of the conversation without making an awkward pause.
Eg:
Them: "Shouldn't you be thinking about marriage at your age?"
You: "Why do you ask?"
Them: "Oh... I'm just concerned for you."
You: "Oh, well thank you. Are you married yourself?"
Eg:
Them: "Why don't you get out some more and see more guys?"
You: "Why do you ask?"
Them: "I just thought a girl like you would be able to find a great guy by now."
You: "Oh, you're very kind! Are you seeing anyone at the moment?"
posted by dave99 at 12:39 AM on June 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
Eg:
Them: "Shouldn't you be thinking about marriage at your age?"
You: "Why do you ask?"
Them: "Oh... I'm just concerned for you."
You: "Oh, well thank you. Are you married yourself?"
Eg:
Them: "Why don't you get out some more and see more guys?"
You: "Why do you ask?"
Them: "I just thought a girl like you would be able to find a great guy by now."
You: "Oh, you're very kind! Are you seeing anyone at the moment?"
posted by dave99 at 12:39 AM on June 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
As someone who was female, over 25, and single in Pakistan, you have my heartfelt sympathies. Some people (a rather larger number than one would hope) just can't wrap their heads around the idea that others can make life choices different than their own.
Honestly, the only thing that I found effective was the smile and nod then change the subject approach. The advantage of this is that it works no matter why the person is asking. If people are persistent beyond that, you can feel free to be snarkier. I know I did.
For people who were close enough to me that I felt like I owed them an explanation, I had this whole spiel about how I though unhappily married was a much much worse state to be in than contentedly single, even though I was willing to concede that happily married would probably be better. This seemed to satisfy the aunt brigade.
posted by bardophile at 12:43 AM on June 5, 2010
Honestly, the only thing that I found effective was the smile and nod then change the subject approach. The advantage of this is that it works no matter why the person is asking. If people are persistent beyond that, you can feel free to be snarkier. I know I did.
For people who were close enough to me that I felt like I owed them an explanation, I had this whole spiel about how I though unhappily married was a much much worse state to be in than contentedly single, even though I was willing to concede that happily married would probably be better. This seemed to satisfy the aunt brigade.
posted by bardophile at 12:43 AM on June 5, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
You can change your tone based on how "get out of my face with your opinions!" you want to be with it.
posted by jerseygirl at 8:06 AM on June 4, 2010 [1 favorite]