Pressure to settle down from ... high rents?
June 2, 2010 8:44 AM Subscribe
Is it possible? Pressure to settle down from ... high rents?
I realize that this sounds like a joke post, but I assure you it's not.
Since moving to an expensive city (top 5 or 10 in the USA, depending on the list), I've heard of this phenomenon of couples moving in together more quickly to save on rent. In my opinion, this sounds like a horrible idea if there's no plan on staying together for the lang haul. However, I often have thought to my self in this high-rent city, wow, I would be able to afford so much more if I was in a couple. I know I'm not alone in this, because a friend echoed this sentiment recently.
Now, go figure, I've met a guy, and am finding myself all ga-ga about him. Dating now for about a month or two.
Pair these together, and I've got this frightening feeling that high rent is making me want to partner up more than in the past. It's in part because I know I want to move to a pricier area of the city, but I have been having some money management and budgeting issues (note: I am very actively working on these) As for additional details, I am in my early 30s, female, and have never long-term lived with anyone. (just short term in between moves.) I'm normally a bit of a commitment phobe, hence this is feeling very strange.
Questions:
1) Any validity to this phenomenon?
2) How do I make sure I'm not falling into it?
3) Any general tips on sorting out true romantic feelings from settling down for "practical" reasons?
I realize that this sounds like a joke post, but I assure you it's not.
Since moving to an expensive city (top 5 or 10 in the USA, depending on the list), I've heard of this phenomenon of couples moving in together more quickly to save on rent. In my opinion, this sounds like a horrible idea if there's no plan on staying together for the lang haul. However, I often have thought to my self in this high-rent city, wow, I would be able to afford so much more if I was in a couple. I know I'm not alone in this, because a friend echoed this sentiment recently.
Now, go figure, I've met a guy, and am finding myself all ga-ga about him. Dating now for about a month or two.
Pair these together, and I've got this frightening feeling that high rent is making me want to partner up more than in the past. It's in part because I know I want to move to a pricier area of the city, but I have been having some money management and budgeting issues (note: I am very actively working on these) As for additional details, I am in my early 30s, female, and have never long-term lived with anyone. (just short term in between moves.) I'm normally a bit of a commitment phobe, hence this is feeling very strange.
Questions:
1) Any validity to this phenomenon?
2) How do I make sure I'm not falling into it?
3) Any general tips on sorting out true romantic feelings from settling down for "practical" reasons?
This happens somewhat frequently in NYC. But its rents are off the charts. It likely is less common in other cities.
posted by dfriedman at 8:49 AM on June 2, 2010
posted by dfriedman at 8:49 AM on June 2, 2010
Why don't you just get a roommate until you are sure you want to live with this guy?
My partner and I moved in together after a year of dating, partially to help with our financial issues, but mostly because I spent EVERY night at his place since we started dating, and we were sure we wanted to be together.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:49 AM on June 2, 2010
My partner and I moved in together after a year of dating, partially to help with our financial issues, but mostly because I spent EVERY night at his place since we started dating, and we were sure we wanted to be together.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:49 AM on June 2, 2010
IMHO, once you move in together, it is much more challenging to break up. It is much more awkward and you have all this shared/tangled stuff and finances.
I'd also argue that people become a lot less attractive once you live with them - maybe he doesn't rinse the dishes well enough, leaves shaving hairs in the sink or forgets to flush. (Or maybe you do!!) And that sort of stuff is much more forgivable once you're in it for the longer term.
Dating for a month or 2? I'd wait.
posted by k8t at 8:51 AM on June 2, 2010 [5 favorites]
I'd also argue that people become a lot less attractive once you live with them - maybe he doesn't rinse the dishes well enough, leaves shaving hairs in the sink or forgets to flush. (Or maybe you do!!) And that sort of stuff is much more forgivable once you're in it for the longer term.
Dating for a month or 2? I'd wait.
posted by k8t at 8:51 AM on June 2, 2010 [5 favorites]
3) Any general tips on sorting out true romantic feelings from settling down for "practical" reasons?
There's no reason to sort; a good relationship makes sense on both romantic and practical levels.
An offshoot of moving in together after ~2 years of dating was that our place got nicer, our stuff got nicer and we weren't worrying about money all the time, and that played into our decision to some extent. We worked out the nitty gritty about pay inequity and financial responsibility (not romantic) and we dreamed of all the awesome days we were going to have (romantic).
If you're acting purely on practicality or on romance, you're setting yourself up for disaster down the road. It's when the two things cross that good relationship decisions are made.
posted by Hiker at 8:53 AM on June 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
There's no reason to sort; a good relationship makes sense on both romantic and practical levels.
An offshoot of moving in together after ~2 years of dating was that our place got nicer, our stuff got nicer and we weren't worrying about money all the time, and that played into our decision to some extent. We worked out the nitty gritty about pay inequity and financial responsibility (not romantic) and we dreamed of all the awesome days we were going to have (romantic).
If you're acting purely on practicality or on romance, you're setting yourself up for disaster down the road. It's when the two things cross that good relationship decisions are made.
posted by Hiker at 8:53 AM on June 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
Mid-20s living in Brooklyn here. I've seen couples moving in what could be called pretty "quickly" (although not as soon as a month) with the two-can-live-cheaper-than-one logic being a not-insignificant part/expedient. However, many of these couples live lease-less and/or with very, very free subletting rules. So if there's a breakup, it's usually not that hard to find a replacement to take their spot. Most individuals I know who aren't in it for the long haul tend to be pretty itinerant, so it's just a part of the culture here. Personally, I find that "I want to live in a more expensive part of town," is a bit frivolous -- then again I'm pretty poor and grew up/live in the boondocks.
posted by griphus at 8:54 AM on June 2, 2010
posted by griphus at 8:54 AM on June 2, 2010
Get a roommate for 6 months/the summer, then reevaluate whether you want to move in with this guy.
posted by Night_owl at 8:58 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Night_owl at 8:58 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Do you care more about the success of this relationship or cheap rent? If it's the former, don't move in until you have been together for at least six months.
posted by grouse at 9:02 AM on June 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by grouse at 9:02 AM on June 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
I used to live in San Francisco, which is horrifically expensive as well as having a low vacancy rate at the best of times. And I have seen this "settling down for practical reasons" thing happen, though less often than one might think.
The "practically based" couples never did last, and things often ended spectacularly badly. Living with your beloved is not all kittens and rainbows, especially in a small place. There is a learning curve/adjustment period when actually moving in with someone and smelling their morning breath and seeing their dirty undies. A good solid foundation of love, respect, and friendship makes this do-able, even enjoyable. But if you live with someone in order to save money or have a "nicer" place - hooboy, I've seen things get ugly. And then one of the pair has to move out and find a place, spend the money, etc. anyway.
Ask yourself: Do I like and respect this person, as well as love them? Can I live with the parts of him/her that will inevitably drive me up a wall, because the good parts are worth it? If this person were to drop dead or become permanently disabled tomorrow, could I survive without winding up in a very bad situation (homeless shelter, living with abusive family, etc.)?
In short: If you want to live with someone for practical reasons, you're better off with a platonic roommate.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 9:03 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
The "practically based" couples never did last, and things often ended spectacularly badly. Living with your beloved is not all kittens and rainbows, especially in a small place. There is a learning curve/adjustment period when actually moving in with someone and smelling their morning breath and seeing their dirty undies. A good solid foundation of love, respect, and friendship makes this do-able, even enjoyable. But if you live with someone in order to save money or have a "nicer" place - hooboy, I've seen things get ugly. And then one of the pair has to move out and find a place, spend the money, etc. anyway.
Ask yourself: Do I like and respect this person, as well as love them? Can I live with the parts of him/her that will inevitably drive me up a wall, because the good parts are worth it? If this person were to drop dead or become permanently disabled tomorrow, could I survive without winding up in a very bad situation (homeless shelter, living with abusive family, etc.)?
In short: If you want to live with someone for practical reasons, you're better off with a platonic roommate.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 9:03 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Did this when I was in NYC in my 20s. Worst 12 months of my life.
posted by The Straightener at 9:10 AM on June 2, 2010
posted by The Straightener at 9:10 AM on June 2, 2010
My boyfriend moved in with me a month after we started dating. It was supposed to be temporary, but our roommate left the same week and neither of us could afford the rent on our own. We were very young and very stupid. The first year sucked. The second year was amazing. Thirteen years later, we've mostly figured out whose turn it is to do the dishes. We've been married three years. This is simply an anecdote to point out that yes, this does happen and that success varies.
posted by annathea at 9:33 AM on June 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by annathea at 9:33 AM on June 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
I officially moved in with my boyfriend after only 3 months of dating, and we had the "are we sure we are doing this for the right reason and not just to save money" discussion. But by then, he had already moved his desktop computer over to my place because he was spending all his time there, so we already had a couple months of playing house before doing it for real. It's not an uncommon situation.
That was 8 years ago, and he's now my husband. YMMV.
posted by misskaz at 9:50 AM on June 2, 2010
That was 8 years ago, and he's now my husband. YMMV.
posted by misskaz at 9:50 AM on June 2, 2010
I moved in with my boyfriend for the same reason after just a month of dating. It's been about 6 months now, and it can't be better than this. I'm having the best time of my life.
The thing is that you should instinctively know that if it's going to work out or not with moving in with your boyfriend -- and it seems that you already know that it's not a good idea.
Once you move in, breaking up is extremely difficult. If a situation occurs where you want to break up with him, chances are you'll stay with him just because it's going to be a really big ordeal. Breaking up, finding a new place(which is going to cost you more so most likely you won't be ready), hauling out all your stuff, etc etc.....
I think you already know the answer...
posted by dustoff at 10:09 AM on June 2, 2010
The thing is that you should instinctively know that if it's going to work out or not with moving in with your boyfriend -- and it seems that you already know that it's not a good idea.
Once you move in, breaking up is extremely difficult. If a situation occurs where you want to break up with him, chances are you'll stay with him just because it's going to be a really big ordeal. Breaking up, finding a new place(which is going to cost you more so most likely you won't be ready), hauling out all your stuff, etc etc.....
I think you already know the answer...
posted by dustoff at 10:09 AM on June 2, 2010
I live in NYC and know of a number of people who did this. I live with my fiance, but it wasn't to save on the rent--it was the logical next step for our relationship. Living together was a requirement we each had before considering marriage. We'd been together over a year when we moved in together, we've lived together for a year now, and we'll be married this fall.
I dated my ex for nearly four years here in the city and we did not live together at any point. We had roommates to drive down expenses. I would not have moved in with him to save money--it wasn't a good enough instigator to put myself through what would have been a really horrible breakup, or worse, staying together because it's too much hassle.
Sometimes when it's right, you know it fairly early on. If you're feeling like you're reading to move up in seriousness sooner than you have in past relationships, it might be that you'd save money on rent--or it might be that you're just older and wiser or that this is a better relationship than you've had in the past.
I wouldn't live with someone I'd been dating for less than a year, but I will say that within a few months we were discussing it as an option down the road. If you really mean what you're feeling, it won't go away with time--so just give yourself a little more time.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 10:19 AM on June 2, 2010
I dated my ex for nearly four years here in the city and we did not live together at any point. We had roommates to drive down expenses. I would not have moved in with him to save money--it wasn't a good enough instigator to put myself through what would have been a really horrible breakup, or worse, staying together because it's too much hassle.
Sometimes when it's right, you know it fairly early on. If you're feeling like you're reading to move up in seriousness sooner than you have in past relationships, it might be that you'd save money on rent--or it might be that you're just older and wiser or that this is a better relationship than you've had in the past.
I wouldn't live with someone I'd been dating for less than a year, but I will say that within a few months we were discussing it as an option down the road. If you really mean what you're feeling, it won't go away with time--so just give yourself a little more time.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 10:19 AM on June 2, 2010
It's in part because I know I want to move to a pricier area of the city
You know, part of this is just maturing. It's completely normal, completely rational to look into the near future and see yourself living , hopefully, somewhat better than you do now. My hopes about the places I want to live at age 40 are different than they were at 30, which are different than they were at 20, and that's as it should be. If in your mind's eye you believe that contentment will come from sharing your life and expenses with someone you genuinely care about in a nicer place, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Is this guy the person? Hard to say at 2 months, so definitely give it time. But there's nothing here to "sort out." You aspire to a lifestyle as part of a couple, with a certain kind of living amenities. That's what you want. There's nothing wrong with wanting what you want. It's likely that by knowing what kind of life you want, you will do better at attracting and maintaining a relationship with someone who wants something similar.
posted by Miko at 10:37 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
You know, part of this is just maturing. It's completely normal, completely rational to look into the near future and see yourself living , hopefully, somewhat better than you do now. My hopes about the places I want to live at age 40 are different than they were at 30, which are different than they were at 20, and that's as it should be. If in your mind's eye you believe that contentment will come from sharing your life and expenses with someone you genuinely care about in a nicer place, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Is this guy the person? Hard to say at 2 months, so definitely give it time. But there's nothing here to "sort out." You aspire to a lifestyle as part of a couple, with a certain kind of living amenities. That's what you want. There's nothing wrong with wanting what you want. It's likely that by knowing what kind of life you want, you will do better at attracting and maintaining a relationship with someone who wants something similar.
posted by Miko at 10:37 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I did this in Boston in the 80s. It wasn't a total horror story, but I do regret and would generally advise against it. Boyfriend and I got along well, but I agree that it does make breaking up more complicated and sometimes even less likely in the case of a "s/he is perfectly OK, but I know that this isn't my life partner" type relationship. My ex and I remained together for almost 7 years, and despite the fact that we got along OK, I can't help but think that our relationship would have fizzled out and ended amicably at the 2+ year mark if we weren't living together. I think that what finally spurred us to break up is that we were both a bit freaked out at approaching the point where we could be considered common law spouses (or so we understood it at the time).
posted by kaybdc at 2:04 PM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by kaybdc at 2:04 PM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
My boyfriend asked me about hypothetically moving in after we'd been dating a month. I thought he was being a little crazy, even though I was going to his apartment after work and spending every evening there. He was gone for most of the summer, and I stayed there in order to get away from a roommate situation I was tiring of and, I dunno, water his plants.
Around the 4 or 5 month mark I started paying half his rent and officially moved in. It's been about 10 months so far, and other than occasional squabbles about cleaning (I struggle with staying organized and tidy) things are going very well.
However, this really wasn't done out of financial necessity. The move was a total of 4 blocks in distance. My rent pretty much stayed the same, his got cut in half, but he was able to pay rent before I came along. If we'd moved in together for financial reasons and needed the other to pay rent, I'm sure the situation would be very different.
posted by piratebowling at 3:17 PM on June 2, 2010
Around the 4 or 5 month mark I started paying half his rent and officially moved in. It's been about 10 months so far, and other than occasional squabbles about cleaning (I struggle with staying organized and tidy) things are going very well.
However, this really wasn't done out of financial necessity. The move was a total of 4 blocks in distance. My rent pretty much stayed the same, his got cut in half, but he was able to pay rent before I came along. If we'd moved in together for financial reasons and needed the other to pay rent, I'm sure the situation would be very different.
posted by piratebowling at 3:17 PM on June 2, 2010
1) Any validity to this phenomenon?
I'll echo the familiarity for Sydney, which has low vacancy rates and prices ranging from high to extortionate. It's not the norm here, but it's certainly not unusual. Even after a month or two, I can think of half a dozen of my friends who've done it.
I think to some extent "moving in" does imply less commitment in Sydney than it would, say, in a country town. Political economy triumphs over traditional morality!
3) Any general tips on sorting out true romantic feelings from settling down for "practical" reasons?
This is easy. Romantic feelings are positive, welcome and pleasant; you'll want to move in because you want to be around him and spend more ordinary time together. Dealing with real estate agents and property managers causes anxiety, hopelessness, feelings of resentment and frustration; you'll want to move in with him because one more Saturday of rental inspections with forty other people following each other's borrowed cars around a suburb makes you want to stab the next property manager you meet in the face.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 4:49 PM on June 2, 2010
I'll echo the familiarity for Sydney, which has low vacancy rates and prices ranging from high to extortionate. It's not the norm here, but it's certainly not unusual. Even after a month or two, I can think of half a dozen of my friends who've done it.
I think to some extent "moving in" does imply less commitment in Sydney than it would, say, in a country town. Political economy triumphs over traditional morality!
3) Any general tips on sorting out true romantic feelings from settling down for "practical" reasons?
This is easy. Romantic feelings are positive, welcome and pleasant; you'll want to move in because you want to be around him and spend more ordinary time together. Dealing with real estate agents and property managers causes anxiety, hopelessness, feelings of resentment and frustration; you'll want to move in with him because one more Saturday of rental inspections with forty other people following each other's borrowed cars around a suburb makes you want to stab the next property manager you meet in the face.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 4:49 PM on June 2, 2010
I lived in a high rent city and my ex invited me to live with him because I would only have to pay $300 a month for a two bedroom rather than the $800 for a studio. But then I asked him if he was ready to move in together indefinitely and he said "no, I just wanted to help you pay some bills" We broke up three months later. Not moving in with him even though I loved him very much at the time was probably one of the best decisions I ever made. The break up would have been so ugly otherwise.
posted by bananafish at 10:11 PM on June 2, 2010
posted by bananafish at 10:11 PM on June 2, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by R. Mutt at 8:48 AM on June 2, 2010