How do I work out what I actually want?
June 1, 2010 12:03 PM Subscribe
I'm considering moving back to my own hometown, but it's complicated. How do I separate out the emotional stuff and make a sensible decision?
So, I moved away from [hometown] about 10 years ago. I settled in [current city] about 4 years ago and have been working in the same job since then. I can probably best describe it as a high-end callcentre. It's a decent job, but it's not what I want to do forever. I never really planned to work in a callcentre for so long, but my career prospects got screwed over by illness. I've been well for the last year or two, and I've got my life together now and can think about where I want to be in the future. So, recently I've been making plans. I've been applying for other jobs within the company. Weirdly, we're split across two different sites and the main site, where most of the good jobs are located, is in [hometown]. I heard today that they want to interview me for one of the positions I've applied for.
I'm not entirely sure whether I want to move or not. I don't have any really strong ties to [current city], although there's a few people I'll miss if I leave. I like the idea of making a fresh start in [hometown] and It's not like it's a completely strange city. But this is where it gets complicated. I'm not sure if there's not a serious element of wishful thinking in this. About a year ago, I got together with someone who lives in [hometown] who I met through work when I down at the other site for a couple of weeks. This developed into a long-distance relationship. It was pretty intense. We broke up at the start of this year because of the distance. I saw her a couple of months ago, and we had a good (and cathartic, and a bit emotionally devastating) talk about things. She had a new boyfriend. There's a thought at the back of my head that if I move down to [hometown], maybe we can get back together again. I think this is unlikely and the most I can realistically expect is friendship. But it's a huge "What if?"
So how do I separate this stuff out and make a sensible decision?
So, I moved away from [hometown] about 10 years ago. I settled in [current city] about 4 years ago and have been working in the same job since then. I can probably best describe it as a high-end callcentre. It's a decent job, but it's not what I want to do forever. I never really planned to work in a callcentre for so long, but my career prospects got screwed over by illness. I've been well for the last year or two, and I've got my life together now and can think about where I want to be in the future. So, recently I've been making plans. I've been applying for other jobs within the company. Weirdly, we're split across two different sites and the main site, where most of the good jobs are located, is in [hometown]. I heard today that they want to interview me for one of the positions I've applied for.
I'm not entirely sure whether I want to move or not. I don't have any really strong ties to [current city], although there's a few people I'll miss if I leave. I like the idea of making a fresh start in [hometown] and It's not like it's a completely strange city. But this is where it gets complicated. I'm not sure if there's not a serious element of wishful thinking in this. About a year ago, I got together with someone who lives in [hometown] who I met through work when I down at the other site for a couple of weeks. This developed into a long-distance relationship. It was pretty intense. We broke up at the start of this year because of the distance. I saw her a couple of months ago, and we had a good (and cathartic, and a bit emotionally devastating) talk about things. She had a new boyfriend. There's a thought at the back of my head that if I move down to [hometown], maybe we can get back together again. I think this is unlikely and the most I can realistically expect is friendship. But it's a huge "What if?"
So how do I separate this stuff out and make a sensible decision?
Go logical. Make a list of pros and cons and weigh one against the other. Take a really hard look at what life would be like if you lived somewhere that the ex and you would bump into each other quite often, if she's seeing (or married to) someone else.
posted by xingcat at 12:31 PM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by xingcat at 12:31 PM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Go for the jobs, don't get stuck, forget about the girl.
posted by rhizome at 1:15 PM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 1:15 PM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Pretend, at least in your head, that there is no hope for the girl. (Which there probably isn't at least as long as she's seeing somebody.) So don't make your decision based at all upon that. Only focus on the stuff relating to you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:50 PM on June 1, 2010
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:50 PM on June 1, 2010
Pretend there is no girl. Would you still take the job? Would you still consider moving back to your hometown? DON'T make your decision based on the hope that you might have a romantic reunion with this girl, but DO consider the possibility that you might occasionally see her around. If you do still have feelings for her (which it sounds like you do), you could do what amethysts says and at least let her know that you're back in town. That way the ball is in her court and she is free to contact you if she wants to try things again. Don't spend your time waiting around for her to call you though.
posted by gumtree at 3:10 PM on June 1, 2010
posted by gumtree at 3:10 PM on June 1, 2010
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If you feel like this will be a good move for you in every way except for [old friend], resolve that you will let her know you're in town and let her contact you after that. That way you can't accuse yourself of anything and at the same time you won't be denying yourself anything either.
posted by amethysts at 12:30 PM on June 1, 2010