May need immediate help for out of state friend
May 27, 2010 11:23 PM   Subscribe

I have no phone and little contact information on a friend who may be suicidal right now. I need quick answers - I am very concerned.

I have a friend who lives a couple of time zones away from me. I don't have his number but I've known him for nearly a decade through the internet. Tonight I believe he may be suicidal - I'm not sure but it is seeming so. He will not give me a straight answer when I ask him if he feels like he will harm himself this evening.

He is bipolar and I believe he is going to a severe depression spell right now. I'm very worried. All I have is his full name and the city where he lives. I have no phone to call any emergency services.

I lost a brother to suicide and I take this incredibly serious. If there is any indication he is going to harm himself I want to make sure I can get a hold of somebody to help him.

Please, any advice on what I can do? What I should do? I'm extremely worried for him.
posted by deacon_blues to Health & Fitness (17 answers total)
 
In the U.S., he can call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Are you in touch with him online, just not by phone?

Find out his location. What's his address? Is he in a dorm at a college? etc

Do you know whether he has a phone? Could you just ask him the number, online?

If you've known him for years, do you have contact information for his parents?
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:30 PM on May 27, 2010


Can you download skype? Then you can a) call his hometown police or b) use directory lookup to try to call him.
posted by acidic at 11:31 PM on May 27, 2010 [2 favorites]


do you know anyone at all that knows him in real life?

if you google his full name and his city, does anything come up? alumni? old job? mention in the local paper?

find what you can, find a payphone, and call the cops in his city.
posted by nadawi at 11:34 PM on May 27, 2010


Response by poster: I am in touch with him online as we speak. He just indicated some suicidal inclination, going on how he hates himself, its hopeless.

I have no phone at my disposal which is a big problem. I know the city he lives in and his full legal name. I had his number but my phone fell in the river on Sunday and I havent had a phone since. I'm about to drive to a payphone if I have to.

I used to have contact information for his parents but its been at least 6 years and they are part of his depression right now.

I'm doing my best to find out the names of his parents right now but obviously he isn't being too cooperative. I'm using 411.com - no address listing for him since he is basically sleeping on a "friends" floor.
posted by deacon_blues at 11:37 PM on May 27, 2010


Find out his location, if you don't know it. (The street address where he is tonight)
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:40 PM on May 27, 2010


I have no expertise in this area, and therefore no advice, so I just said a little prayer for both of you.

(I hope she/he just goes to sleep and things will look better - or be more stable for them in the morning. Sometimes adding fatigue to any issue makes it worse). Best to you both.
posted by boots77 at 11:45 PM on May 27, 2010


Is there someone nearby who can lend you their phone? Neighbor, perhaps? You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline yourself; the crisis worker should be able to offer advice. Posting number again for reference:
1-800-273-8255
posted by CancerMan at 11:54 PM on May 27, 2010


Response by poster: Well this has turned pretty hopeless. He now assures me he isn't suicidal but he went from being an extremely close friend to hating the hell out of me because of my concern.

I hope he realizes in the morning that I was only trying to help and was just very concerned.

Sorry to worry everyone. Thanks for the advice and prayers. I think he'll be alright tonight - I just hate to think I lost such a long time friend who believes nobody cares for him.

There is nothing more I can do tonight, I hope sleep changes his attitude. He is bipolar severely so he could be all smiles tomorrow. Who knows.

I'll never stop trying to help him though.
posted by deacon_blues at 11:59 PM on May 27, 2010


It's good that you think he will be ok tonight.
I'm sorry to hear he is upset about your concern; here's hoping that with time he can see it in a different light.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:05 AM on May 28, 2010


Best answer: He now assures me he isn't suicidal but he went from being an extremely close friend to hating the hell out of me because of my concern. (deacon_blues)

This is precisely the response my suicidal best friend had to me in college when I reported his suicidal statements to our dean. I reminded myself that he didn't hate me; it was his mental illness that hated me, because I was keeping it from doing what it wanted (more or less; it's not a perfect metaphor). Were I in your shoes, I would still do everything I could to have someone intervene where he is. After all, if he (or the part of him that's ill) already hates you, you have nothing to lose.

(And for what it's worth, once my friend got help [therapy and medication] he slowly came out of his depression, and though he's never thanked me for forcing him to get help, we are back to being very close friends. I do not regret my intervention for a second.)
posted by ocherdraco at 12:12 AM on May 28, 2010 [11 favorites]


It might be a good idea to get contact info for family/friends near him, if you can do that in a way that is subtle (or if you can just find that out via facebook or something). When I was going through my depression, I made sure the people around me had contact info for my parents and stuff for if I got suicidal again.

Best of luck, and hugs from strangers on the internet.
posted by NoraReed at 7:52 AM on May 28, 2010


I can say from personal experience having well-meaningly given that hotline number to someone in crisis that it is worse than useless. I had assumed it was staffed with trained people that could offer advice; turns out it's staffed with bored people that only suggest going to an ER and getting committed.
posted by vsync at 8:40 AM on May 28, 2010


You should probably do what you can to track down all the relevant contact info now even if he is out of the woods for the time being. Just in case something like this happens again.
posted by juv3nal at 12:19 PM on May 28, 2010


Yeah, as a past mental health crisis worker, I second the recommendations to get as much info from him as you can in case you should need to contact someone, especially where he is physically staying right now.

But if he remains angry with you, don't blame yourself. You're trying to do what is best for him because you care about him. It's understandable that his reaction to your concern may be anger, because he's not in a rational place at the time. I've had people curse me out at the top of their lungs for interfering in their suicide attempts and call me every name in the book, only later to apologize and sincerely thank me. Try not to take it personally.
posted by threeturtles at 1:54 PM on May 28, 2010


Glad your emergency was cancelled.

For what it's worth, I pinpointed someone in a major city once knowing nothing but the city of residence and his brother's name. It was done through a series of conversations with operators and local police forces. The police, if called upon to check on someone, have some serious black magic at their disposal.

Reaching out from a computer would make it harder. Personally, I'd use the computer to find a 3rd party willing to step up with a phone. (An SOS Facebook status, for example, or a mass mailing to your contact list to find out who's up, alert, and willing to make a phone call.)

911 is the recommended venue for emergency calls, of course. But as a footnote: The one time I called 911, I did so without an address and was told, basically, that crank calling was a prosecutable offense. Then they hung up on me. Blame it on New Year's Eve, or the particular operator being a neanderthal, but it happened. Either second-guessed the call after the fact, or they decided to prosecute, because a police car DID show up about 20 very busy minutes later.
posted by Ys at 9:06 PM on May 28, 2010


Response by poster: An update:

He made it through the night fine, but today he was unfortunately beat to a pulp by his homophobic roommate (albeit he was paying the rent) when an argument over his sexuality ensued. So now my gay friend is literally homeless - he had a very promising job interview coming up and I'm afraid this will hurt his chances of getting that job.

If anybody knows of any resources for helping people getting back on their feet/homeless shelters in the Aurora, CO area I'd appreciate it and I'm sure he would. He is currently in the ER for his injuries and after that he has literally nowhere to go as his parents have disowned him for his sexuality and he really has no friends to turn to locally.

Thank you all for your support and kind words. He did come around and recognize I was trying to help - I'm about the best friend he has right now, if not the only one, and I dearly care for him.
posted by deacon_blues at 12:41 AM on May 30, 2010


The ER should be able to connect him with a social worker. Tell him to tell the nurse that he has nowhere to go when discharged.
posted by desjardins at 12:42 PM on May 31, 2010


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