Those three little words.
May 24, 2010 7:40 PM Subscribe
How unusual is it for parents not to tell their children they love them?
I am an only child in my mid-30s (female if it matters) and my parents are in their late 60s. I remember my mom telling me a few times when I was a kid that she loved me when we were making up after she had yelled at me about something, but those are the only times I ever recall hearing it from either of my parents. I've never heard them say it to each other either, and I never heard any of my grandparents say it when they were alive.
I know, without a doubt, that my parents love me (and each other) a lot. They show it in many ways. But I still feel this constant void whenever I say goodbye to them and we don't say "I love you" to each other like other families do. I strongly suspect that they both had issues in their own families growing up that made those words uncomfortable for them, and I also suspect that they too (at least my dad) wish that things were different now. It's simple enough to say, "Just go ahead and say it," and I've tried, and I will continue to try, but it's easier said than done after a lifetime without. (I should note that this has never carried over as a problem in my relationships with men, or even with some of my close girl friends, and if/when I have children I am sure I will say it to them often.) Also, honestly, as sad as the void makes me, it also makes me very angry with them and there's some resentment there that's creating a bit of a road block for me. But the older they get, the more I worry about regretting when they're gone that I didn't say what I felt.
My question, however, isn't really about how to change this (though I welcome any advice or anecdotes in that regard). Rather, I have always wondered how unusual our situation really is. It has always seemed like all of my friends end phone calls or get-togethers with their families by saying "I love you," but is that really true? Is my scenario more common than I think, or am I right to feel that my family is pretty strange in this way? Could it have something to do with the culture in which my parents (and I) were raised (East Coast Jewish)? Is the lack of those three little words really not as important as I am making it out to be?
I am an only child in my mid-30s (female if it matters) and my parents are in their late 60s. I remember my mom telling me a few times when I was a kid that she loved me when we were making up after she had yelled at me about something, but those are the only times I ever recall hearing it from either of my parents. I've never heard them say it to each other either, and I never heard any of my grandparents say it when they were alive.
I know, without a doubt, that my parents love me (and each other) a lot. They show it in many ways. But I still feel this constant void whenever I say goodbye to them and we don't say "I love you" to each other like other families do. I strongly suspect that they both had issues in their own families growing up that made those words uncomfortable for them, and I also suspect that they too (at least my dad) wish that things were different now. It's simple enough to say, "Just go ahead and say it," and I've tried, and I will continue to try, but it's easier said than done after a lifetime without. (I should note that this has never carried over as a problem in my relationships with men, or even with some of my close girl friends, and if/when I have children I am sure I will say it to them often.) Also, honestly, as sad as the void makes me, it also makes me very angry with them and there's some resentment there that's creating a bit of a road block for me. But the older they get, the more I worry about regretting when they're gone that I didn't say what I felt.
My question, however, isn't really about how to change this (though I welcome any advice or anecdotes in that regard). Rather, I have always wondered how unusual our situation really is. It has always seemed like all of my friends end phone calls or get-togethers with their families by saying "I love you," but is that really true? Is my scenario more common than I think, or am I right to feel that my family is pretty strange in this way? Could it have something to do with the culture in which my parents (and I) were raised (East Coast Jewish)? Is the lack of those three little words really not as important as I am making it out to be?
Yes, it is more common than you think. Rest in the fact that they show their love in many other ways. Like they say, "talk is cheap".
posted by HuronBob at 7:47 PM on May 24, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by HuronBob at 7:47 PM on May 24, 2010 [5 favorites]
It is not as important as you are making it out to be. It is just the way some of us are. While it would be nice to hear those words and use those words it is something that is rare on non-existent for me. I don't think your parents are strange at all. It is just how it is. You say that you are aware that they love you and each other. So, somehow you pickup their love even though it is not verbally expressed. It would be so great if we all could verbally express those feelings but please try to appreciate that they do love you. And be as happy as you can be in that.
I do know you will get many responses about how to get the verbalization you want. I leave that to others.
posted by JayRwv at 7:48 PM on May 24, 2010
I do know you will get many responses about how to get the verbalization you want. I leave that to others.
posted by JayRwv at 7:48 PM on May 24, 2010
It's very unusual.
Just because they didn't say it doesn't mean they didn't / don't love you.
posted by ged at 7:48 PM on May 24, 2010
Just because they didn't say it doesn't mean they didn't / don't love you.
posted by ged at 7:48 PM on May 24, 2010
I'm in my 30s, my parents are in their 60s, East Coast WASP, and it was reserved for "you've really horked me off this time" moments or "you might be about to die for all I know."
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 7:49 PM on May 24, 2010
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 7:49 PM on May 24, 2010
It's common enough. My parents are very, very loving, but they don't say those exact words. To be honest it'd be kind of awkward if they did. It'd throw me off. "I'm proud of you," that gets thrown out from time to time. But, "I love you, sweetie," or some such thing? Eh, not so much.
When I visit them goodbyes are something like:
"Alright, I'm leaving."
"You're out of here? You have everything, keys, wallet, phone?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. Drive carefully. Don't forget to lock the door."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah... Good night."
If it's a big holiday visit I guess there are more "hope to see you again soon"s and hugs. Still no "I love you"s.
Don't let it get to you. Not everyone uses the same words.
posted by Khalad at 7:57 PM on May 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
When I visit them goodbyes are something like:
"Alright, I'm leaving."
"You're out of here? You have everything, keys, wallet, phone?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. Drive carefully. Don't forget to lock the door."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah... Good night."
If it's a big holiday visit I guess there are more "hope to see you again soon"s and hugs. Still no "I love you"s.
Don't let it get to you. Not everyone uses the same words.
posted by Khalad at 7:57 PM on May 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's very unusual.
I think you will find that this thread will prove just the opposite. I am in my 30s, my parents are in their late 50s, and they said "I love you" very rarely, if at all. Upper Midwest background. My wife's parents by contrast, said it all the time apparently.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 7:58 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think you will find that this thread will prove just the opposite. I am in my 30s, my parents are in their late 50s, and they said "I love you" very rarely, if at all. Upper Midwest background. My wife's parents by contrast, said it all the time apparently.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 7:58 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
My parents never told me that they loved me. To be fair, they didn't love me, so at least in that way they were honest.
posted by SPrintF at 7:58 PM on May 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by SPrintF at 7:58 PM on May 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
It's not something I can ever recall my parents saying to me or to each other, but I never felt in any way unloved (I have always had a great relationship with my parents). To this day I feel very awkward using those three words in a casual way (say when I'm away from home and signing off a phone conversation with my wife); it always feels rote and fake even when directed at someone I genuinely love.
posted by Emanuel at 7:59 PM on May 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Emanuel at 7:59 PM on May 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
My mom tells me all the time, at the end of all phone conversations. My dad did when I was a young kid, but not so much as I turned teenager and then adult. There's a kind of respectful distance where obviously we knew, but didn't have to say it. I am more like my dad, and I will barely say it to my mom. Which sounds horrible, I know, but it's just unnatural for me, I can't explain it. I sure do love them, but perhaps I'm in permanent teenager mode where affection in my family is awkward.
However, my younger sister shows affection to my dad like hugging and telling him she loves him, and he reciprocates in kind. My brother and I and my dad would rather eyeroll and make snarky jokes than be affectionate toward each other, but my sister is big on hugging and things. So it's different even among my siblings.
posted by kpht at 8:10 PM on May 24, 2010
However, my younger sister shows affection to my dad like hugging and telling him she loves him, and he reciprocates in kind. My brother and I and my dad would rather eyeroll and make snarky jokes than be affectionate toward each other, but my sister is big on hugging and things. So it's different even among my siblings.
posted by kpht at 8:10 PM on May 24, 2010
On the opposite end of the spectrum, everytime, I mean everytime I talk to my mother she says "I love you" when we hang up. I am in my 30s now and it is so common place, so rote that it means next to nothing, like, uh, cya later, or whatevs. (She- my 60s mom- says it with that kind of tone sometimes too.) I know she loves me very much, without a doubt, but she just has this weird routine. And I say to her, sometimes in my robot voice, "I love you too." And we mean it.
Meanwhile, my partner & I almost never say it to each other. We also love each other very much and the only time we ever say "I love you" to each other is after some serious shit just blew up and broke the glass ceiling and there is splinters of razors and blood raining down and other metaphorical kinds of chaos and destruction happening everywhere. Then we say "I love you" to each other. And we mean it.
So. Just because someone doesn't say "I love you"-- that does not mean that love is absent.
posted by at the crossroads at 8:13 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Meanwhile, my partner & I almost never say it to each other. We also love each other very much and the only time we ever say "I love you" to each other is after some serious shit just blew up and broke the glass ceiling and there is splinters of razors and blood raining down and other metaphorical kinds of chaos and destruction happening everywhere. Then we say "I love you" to each other. And we mean it.
So. Just because someone doesn't say "I love you"-- that does not mean that love is absent.
posted by at the crossroads at 8:13 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
My parents and I didn't exchange the words "I love you" until I was well into my twenties, I assume as a product of having moved to the U.S. where it's practically expected of everyone. Even now it's awkward. They love me about as much as it is humanly possible to love someone or something (I feel the same way about them).
Maybe it's a cultural thing, but when I was growing up in Bulgaria (and Germany for a while), watching American movies and sitcoms, I always found it very odd when parents would tell their kids they loved them. The expression, at least where I am from, seems to be reserved for romantic circumstances; there are other ways to express the mutual love between a parent and a child.
posted by halogen at 8:16 PM on May 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Maybe it's a cultural thing, but when I was growing up in Bulgaria (and Germany for a while), watching American movies and sitcoms, I always found it very odd when parents would tell their kids they loved them. The expression, at least where I am from, seems to be reserved for romantic circumstances; there are other ways to express the mutual love between a parent and a child.
posted by halogen at 8:16 PM on May 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's about as demonstrative as we get to end emails with "love,". I don't feel all that deprived, I know they loved me and always have, I think it was just my Gen X Spock upbringing.
My husband and I say it several times a day, but we're not kid-having-types, so I can't say whether we'd be as demonstrative if we had them.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:19 PM on May 24, 2010
My husband and I say it several times a day, but we're not kid-having-types, so I can't say whether we'd be as demonstrative if we had them.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:19 PM on May 24, 2010
My family is very close and very loving and we still don't say that to each other except in the most extreme of circumstances... I honestly have never felt it lacking (nor have I had trouble saying it in romantic situations where there was love), it's just not how we roll.
posted by brainmouse at 8:21 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by brainmouse at 8:21 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Fascinating! Since my family says it all the time, I was a little thrown when I first met people whose families didn't.
posted by sdn at 8:22 PM on May 24, 2010
posted by sdn at 8:22 PM on May 24, 2010
There was a study done in the 90's called The Fatherhood Project. It was funded by the Ford Foundation and organized by the Families and Work Institute. According to the study, 60 percent of fathers hug their school-aged kids every day and 79 percent tell their children they love them several times a week. I couldn't find any studies on moms but I didn't look very long.
My dad seems to increase the frequency of telling me he loves me as he gets older, possibly because of being restrained about it in my early years.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 8:23 PM on May 24, 2010
My dad seems to increase the frequency of telling me he loves me as he gets older, possibly because of being restrained about it in my early years.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 8:23 PM on May 24, 2010
In one of David Sedaris's books he says that his family never said it. You only said it when you wanted something from someone, or wanted to sleep with them.
When his mum was dying of cancer, he said it on the phone to her, and she replied "I'll pretend you didn't say that."
It doesn't matter. If you felt loved, that equates.
posted by antiquark at 8:28 PM on May 24, 2010
When his mum was dying of cancer, he said it on the phone to her, and she replied "I'll pretend you didn't say that."
It doesn't matter. If you felt loved, that equates.
posted by antiquark at 8:28 PM on May 24, 2010
Female, 40, Midwestern and Caucasian. Mother was 32 when I was born. Pop was 67. I don't recall him ever saying it. And I believe she only said it in the midst of torrential crying after a screaming match a handful of times.
Believe they loved me.
posted by FlamingBore at 8:30 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Believe they loved me.
posted by FlamingBore at 8:30 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Only child of a single parent here. She hasn't told me that she loves me in my memory. Even when I moved to the other side of the world.
We only talk a few times a year, and it usually ends with a "see ya". But I'm pretty sure she loves me.
By contrast, my husband, who only lives 3 hours from his parents, talks to them 3-4 times a week and always ends with "I love you". Still sounds weird to my ears.
posted by gaspode at 8:42 PM on May 24, 2010
We only talk a few times a year, and it usually ends with a "see ya". But I'm pretty sure she loves me.
By contrast, my husband, who only lives 3 hours from his parents, talks to them 3-4 times a week and always ends with "I love you". Still sounds weird to my ears.
posted by gaspode at 8:42 PM on May 24, 2010
25, Russian Jew raised in New York. My mom would usually speak in Russian to which I replied in broken Russian/English, but the (rare) times she said "I love you" it was in English. My grandparents, who didn't speak English, would occasionally say "we love you," referring to the entire family, but never on an individual basis. At no point did I ever feel unloved.
posted by griphus at 8:45 PM on May 24, 2010
posted by griphus at 8:45 PM on May 24, 2010
Neither of my parents said it to me (in my 40's now) or my brother, ever. Nor have I heard them say it to each other. However, I know they loved us (and each other) - they showed that in countless, unmistakeable ways. I haven't said it to them either, nor have I exchanged such words with my brother, ever. I never even suspected that it was unusual - seeing it in American movies was very odd, but then I also thought it odd how in the U.S. you could say "I love" just about anything (like ice cream)... in some languages, it would be quite bizarre. In general, it seems English is more informal and perhaps a bit more limited in certain ways - like you can love someone (verb) and have love (noun) and something be lovely (adj.), while you'd use different words in many other languages. Anyhow, it hasn't had much impact on me that I can tell, I have had no problem whatsoever exchanging such words - frequently - in all my relationships. We have no kids, nor plans for any, so I can't address how I'd handle that with them.
posted by VikingSword at 8:47 PM on May 24, 2010
posted by VikingSword at 8:47 PM on May 24, 2010
My ex's family never said I love you to each other, and I always found it very strange (especially since her parents didn't shy away from saying it to me, and her mother, in fact, still signs emails to me "Love, Mom"). They were/are extremely physically demonstrative and very caring; they just rarely said the words to each other. It seemed to work for them somewhat, although I personally think words are important and saying them is better than not saying them.
(Have you tried straight up asking your parents why they never say "I love you"? I find that when I am curious about something, asking is the best way to get an answer. I'm not being facetious -- I mean it. Of course, with a potentially sensitive subject like this, you should consider your phrasing really carefully, but saying, "How come we never say 'I love you'?" could get you further than trying to work the phrase in to your routine with them.)
posted by shamash at 8:51 PM on May 24, 2010
(Have you tried straight up asking your parents why they never say "I love you"? I find that when I am curious about something, asking is the best way to get an answer. I'm not being facetious -- I mean it. Of course, with a potentially sensitive subject like this, you should consider your phrasing really carefully, but saying, "How come we never say 'I love you'?" could get you further than trying to work the phrase in to your routine with them.)
posted by shamash at 8:51 PM on May 24, 2010
Someone once wrote to Ask Marilyn (Marilyn vos Savant) asking about this. She replied that her parents didn't say it to her, and she was fine with this. Her reasoning was that there was no need for them to say it, as it was obviously the case. (I disagree with this approach, but the perspective is worth considering.)
posted by Jaltcoh at 8:51 PM on May 24, 2010
posted by Jaltcoh at 8:51 PM on May 24, 2010
My family rarely says it to one another; usually it's only when someone is very sad/unhappy for one reason or another. I don't have a problem saying it to anyone else. I'm in my early twenties, for what it's worth.
posted by lilac girl at 9:01 PM on May 24, 2010
posted by lilac girl at 9:01 PM on May 24, 2010
While growing up I rarely heard "I love you"; perhaps that was in part due to the stereotypically unemotional Swedish blood from my mother's side and the tough Texan frontier mentality from my father's side of the family. In any event I never doubted my parent's love for me and as I got older I realized that they sacrificed a good bit to ensure that (among many other things) their children would all have the opportunity to pursue whatever career they wanted to. In other words, it is quite possible to say "I love you" in deeds rather than words. Having said that, as Hardcore Poser says, my mom seems to put more importance on displays of affection as she gets older (dad is no longer around but seemed to feel the same way before he died).
Now that I am a father, I make it a point to tell my daughter I love her on a daily basis. There are no words in the English language better than "I love you too, daddy". I assume that a large number of the 40% of fathers who don't hug their kids every day (once again from Hardcore Poser's comment) are non-custodial parents who don't see their kids daily. But it was very different a few decades ago. Despite my eagerness to tell my daughter I love her all the time, I still feel awkward saying the same thing to my mother. It got easier after I became a parent though, and she definitely appreciates it. So in many respects I seem to come from a family much like yours in terms of emotional expression and I would say to just express yourself a little more than you feel comfortable but not so much that you get stressed out. Eventually your comfort level will shift and perhaps other family members too will open up a little more with their feelings. On the other hand, some people just aren't that expressive, or express their feelings in different ways. And for what it's worth, I know all too many families who don't even speak to each other; one of the more important family/relationship lessons I learned over the years is that (unfortunately) if your family can spend time together without a major conflict, you already have a better relationship than many families out there. So try to become more expressive if it is important to you, but realize that healthy family relationships take many forms and don't fixate on what in the long run is a relatively small detail.
posted by TedW at 9:12 PM on May 24, 2010
Now that I am a father, I make it a point to tell my daughter I love her on a daily basis. There are no words in the English language better than "I love you too, daddy". I assume that a large number of the 40% of fathers who don't hug their kids every day (once again from Hardcore Poser's comment) are non-custodial parents who don't see their kids daily. But it was very different a few decades ago. Despite my eagerness to tell my daughter I love her all the time, I still feel awkward saying the same thing to my mother. It got easier after I became a parent though, and she definitely appreciates it. So in many respects I seem to come from a family much like yours in terms of emotional expression and I would say to just express yourself a little more than you feel comfortable but not so much that you get stressed out. Eventually your comfort level will shift and perhaps other family members too will open up a little more with their feelings. On the other hand, some people just aren't that expressive, or express their feelings in different ways. And for what it's worth, I know all too many families who don't even speak to each other; one of the more important family/relationship lessons I learned over the years is that (unfortunately) if your family can spend time together without a major conflict, you already have a better relationship than many families out there. So try to become more expressive if it is important to you, but realize that healthy family relationships take many forms and don't fixate on what in the long run is a relatively small detail.
posted by TedW at 9:12 PM on May 24, 2010
Ok... I've been following this on my iTouch, but y'all forced me to get out the laptop (just can't type worth crap on the iTouch!)... now I'm up WAY too late and am about to embark on a journey...
Thank you all for these accounts, this may be one of the most touching, informative, and perhaps important askme's I've read in a long time.. Thanks to the OP for phrasing this in a manner that evoked these responses... the question alone evoked a lot of caring thoughts, I hope he/she finds some peace in these responses.
I'm in the midwest, 61 years old, grew up in a single parent household (my dad died when I was 6 months old). I can't remember a single time that my Mother said "I love you", but, there was never a doubt in my mind how she felt about me. In an age in which a single parent was a bit unusual, she worked hard to provide me with everything I needed, helped me get through college, stuck with me as I made the usual mistakes. Bailed me out of jail (just once), made not a single negative comment when I said I had to get married because my girlfriend was pregnant, loved my kids, continued to make my favorite meals whenever we visited. And, looked lovingly at me when I sat by her bed in the hospital as she was about to pass to a better place. I never doubted her love, the words were not necessary.
To all of you whose parents were not demonstrative, but were able to communicate their love, good for you for your ability to perceive that... and, for those that wonder... look at who you are, it's probably a reflection of your parent's love.
This translated into a similar mode on my own part... Two sons, both struggled in their own way, and, for the life of me, I can remember only a few times where I said "I love you".
My oldest son died when he was 20, a motorcycle accident... did he know I loved him? I believe he did, regardless of how deficient I was at enunciating it.
My younger son...yeah, he's the unfortunate recipient of a lot of mushy stuff. Sucks to be him...!
posted by HuronBob at 9:15 PM on May 24, 2010 [11 favorites]
Thank you all for these accounts, this may be one of the most touching, informative, and perhaps important askme's I've read in a long time.. Thanks to the OP for phrasing this in a manner that evoked these responses... the question alone evoked a lot of caring thoughts, I hope he/she finds some peace in these responses.
I'm in the midwest, 61 years old, grew up in a single parent household (my dad died when I was 6 months old). I can't remember a single time that my Mother said "I love you", but, there was never a doubt in my mind how she felt about me. In an age in which a single parent was a bit unusual, she worked hard to provide me with everything I needed, helped me get through college, stuck with me as I made the usual mistakes. Bailed me out of jail (just once), made not a single negative comment when I said I had to get married because my girlfriend was pregnant, loved my kids, continued to make my favorite meals whenever we visited. And, looked lovingly at me when I sat by her bed in the hospital as she was about to pass to a better place. I never doubted her love, the words were not necessary.
To all of you whose parents were not demonstrative, but were able to communicate their love, good for you for your ability to perceive that... and, for those that wonder... look at who you are, it's probably a reflection of your parent's love.
This translated into a similar mode on my own part... Two sons, both struggled in their own way, and, for the life of me, I can remember only a few times where I said "I love you".
My oldest son died when he was 20, a motorcycle accident... did he know I loved him? I believe he did, regardless of how deficient I was at enunciating it.
My younger son...yeah, he's the unfortunate recipient of a lot of mushy stuff. Sucks to be him...!
posted by HuronBob at 9:15 PM on May 24, 2010 [11 favorites]
My father never told me he loved me until I was 48 or so, and only after I told him that I loved him. I know he loves me more than life itself, but men of his generation were not very expressive. My mother did tell me frequently that she loved me.
posted by fifilaru at 9:21 PM on May 24, 2010
posted by fifilaru at 9:21 PM on May 24, 2010
Californian, mid-30s, parents early-60s. I know my mom loves me more than anything but she never says it (except, as someone mentioned above, when I'm being wheeled into surgery or moving across country, etc.) and that's perfectly fine with me. They're just words. I don't need to hear them to know she loves me. We're not physically demonstrative either. I think the last time I hugged my mom was when I left for London for three months back in 2007. (I hug the rest of my family, although usually because they initiate it.)
Now before my semi-estranged father died, he said it at the end of every phone call. But he only called a couple times a year and he was usually drunk. And yeah, I know he loved me too, but his actions didn't really show it, so him saying it usually just made me roll my eyes.
Of course, I may have issues. :P
posted by elsietheeel at 9:21 PM on May 24, 2010
Now before my semi-estranged father died, he said it at the end of every phone call. But he only called a couple times a year and he was usually drunk. And yeah, I know he loved me too, but his actions didn't really show it, so him saying it usually just made me roll my eyes.
Of course, I may have issues. :P
posted by elsietheeel at 9:21 PM on May 24, 2010
My husband's parents never say it to him. I'm not sure if they ever have. I'm confident both of his parents love him. I think my aunt said her husband's family is the same way.
I come from a family where we said "I love you" multiple times a day so initially when I would come across families like that it was quite startling to me. Even my dad, who was otherwise not much prone to displays of emotion, was conditioned to say it. (I don't mean conditioned in the sense that he didn't mean it, but that he didn't stop to question it.) But now I've seen it more often and it's not so startling anymore.
I really do think it's more a conditioning thing for a lot of people than a question of whether they love someone or not. If they're not used to saying it, then it can be really weird for them to say it; my husband told me he loved me first when we started dating, but after that kind of embarrassed informational exchange -- so I'd know that he loves me -- he felt weird just saying it for no reason. It was important to me so he got used to saying it and now he says it constantly. But it was jarring for him at first.
posted by Nattie at 9:25 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I come from a family where we said "I love you" multiple times a day so initially when I would come across families like that it was quite startling to me. Even my dad, who was otherwise not much prone to displays of emotion, was conditioned to say it. (I don't mean conditioned in the sense that he didn't mean it, but that he didn't stop to question it.) But now I've seen it more often and it's not so startling anymore.
I really do think it's more a conditioning thing for a lot of people than a question of whether they love someone or not. If they're not used to saying it, then it can be really weird for them to say it; my husband told me he loved me first when we started dating, but after that kind of embarrassed informational exchange -- so I'd know that he loves me -- he felt weird just saying it for no reason. It was important to me so he got used to saying it and now he says it constantly. But it was jarring for him at first.
posted by Nattie at 9:25 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I can't pin-point a study, but I think growing up without "I love you's" is a common enough experience that in any gathering of more than six people you'll find at least one other who never heard those words. I don't think your family is strange, but that doesn't mean I think the lack of verbal affirmation is healthy either. It's just a common bit of systemic dysfunction.
Is it important to hear those words? For you, it seems, it is. And that's legitimate and certainly not asking too much. It doesn't have the be the single most significant fact about your relationship with your parents, but it's okay to acknowledge that you have a real and understandable void left where the "I love you's" could have gone.
The good news is, when one person changes, the whole family dynamic will shift. Maybe not in the ways you want, true, but you can have an impact. It's not too late to start saying it yourself, and you might be pleasantly surprised at the response.
I'll admit that for my part, I don't say it to my parents and I doubt I ever will. But I do say it to my kids all the time. Really, all the time. And one of my great joys in life is hearing my daughter say it back to us, and to her baby brother, and to think that I've established a new pattern. Being a different kind of parent means more to me than making my parents different. But none of that is to say that you shouldn't try if it would mean something to you. It's just to say that there's more than one kind of healthy adaptation you can make from here, and maybe more than one way to fill that void inside.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 9:48 PM on May 24, 2010
Is it important to hear those words? For you, it seems, it is. And that's legitimate and certainly not asking too much. It doesn't have the be the single most significant fact about your relationship with your parents, but it's okay to acknowledge that you have a real and understandable void left where the "I love you's" could have gone.
The good news is, when one person changes, the whole family dynamic will shift. Maybe not in the ways you want, true, but you can have an impact. It's not too late to start saying it yourself, and you might be pleasantly surprised at the response.
I'll admit that for my part, I don't say it to my parents and I doubt I ever will. But I do say it to my kids all the time. Really, all the time. And one of my great joys in life is hearing my daughter say it back to us, and to her baby brother, and to think that I've established a new pattern. Being a different kind of parent means more to me than making my parents different. But none of that is to say that you shouldn't try if it would mean something to you. It's just to say that there's more than one kind of healthy adaptation you can make from here, and maybe more than one way to fill that void inside.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 9:48 PM on May 24, 2010
My husbands mother and grandmother say "I love you" every time we end a phone call or say goodbye in person. My husband is likewise verbally demonstrative and we exchange "I love yous" every time we part and before we go to sleep.
My own blue collar, midwestern family was not big on the "I love you" thing until my parents went through AA and psychotherapy when I was in my late teens. By that time I was convinced they did not actually love me and that the words their therapists instructed them to say were merely perfunctory. My brother, incidentally, married a gal from the South, who is very demonstrative and tells family and her kid that she loves them. Without completely unloading my family history on the internets, let me say that there is a huge difference in the behavior and personality of the kid who gets hugged and told he's loved every day than the kids in my family who are treated like pests.
posted by pluckysparrow at 9:54 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
My own blue collar, midwestern family was not big on the "I love you" thing until my parents went through AA and psychotherapy when I was in my late teens. By that time I was convinced they did not actually love me and that the words their therapists instructed them to say were merely perfunctory. My brother, incidentally, married a gal from the South, who is very demonstrative and tells family and her kid that she loves them. Without completely unloading my family history on the internets, let me say that there is a huge difference in the behavior and personality of the kid who gets hugged and told he's loved every day than the kids in my family who are treated like pests.
posted by pluckysparrow at 9:54 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Growing up, "I love you" and physical expressions of affection were rare in my family, although we're quite close. I also rarely, if ever, saw my parents being openly affectionate towards each other. I never questioned if my parents cared about me, since that always seemed perfectly obvious by my count.
My mom has taken to saying "I love you" to me more often since I moved across the country, but I seriously doubt she ever says it to my younger brother and sister who are still at home. Hugs are still strictly limited to farewells, and even then, they seem somewhat awkward.
It's never bothered me, and based on conversations I've had with others, this isn't terribly unusual for Asian families. As a culture, the Japanese have a reputation for being rather buttoned down when it comes to emotions, although I am very openly affectionate with my boyfriend.
posted by Diagonalize at 10:03 PM on May 24, 2010
My mom has taken to saying "I love you" to me more often since I moved across the country, but I seriously doubt she ever says it to my younger brother and sister who are still at home. Hugs are still strictly limited to farewells, and even then, they seem somewhat awkward.
It's never bothered me, and based on conversations I've had with others, this isn't terribly unusual for Asian families. As a culture, the Japanese have a reputation for being rather buttoned down when it comes to emotions, although I am very openly affectionate with my boyfriend.
posted by Diagonalize at 10:03 PM on May 24, 2010
29 female, born and raised in Alaska. Parents were in their mid-30s when they had me, the first girl after 4 boys.
My mother told me she loved me a lot, verbally and by writing. She would leave little "I love you!" and "Proud of you!" notes in my lunch boxes all the time. Now she sends me "I love you" emails with multiple U's and !!!s on the end of You. I believed that she loved me and still does.
My father told me he loved me and was proud of me only when he was drunk. I believe that he loved me and still does.
My siblings and I only tell each other "I love you" when a tragedy has happened, usually when a close loved one has died. I believe they love me and each other.
posted by rhapsodie at 10:13 PM on May 24, 2010
My mother told me she loved me a lot, verbally and by writing. She would leave little "I love you!" and "Proud of you!" notes in my lunch boxes all the time. Now she sends me "I love you" emails with multiple U's and !!!s on the end of You. I believed that she loved me and still does.
My father told me he loved me and was proud of me only when he was drunk. I believe that he loved me and still does.
My siblings and I only tell each other "I love you" when a tragedy has happened, usually when a close loved one has died. I believe they love me and each other.
posted by rhapsodie at 10:13 PM on May 24, 2010
My experience is eerily the same as rhapsodie's except that my parents are from NY/NJ and I was raised in Massachusetts.
posted by jessamyn at 10:17 PM on May 24, 2010
posted by jessamyn at 10:17 PM on May 24, 2010
I'm in my late 30s, grew up in the UK. My parents are divorced, my mum is in her 60s, my dad in his late 70s. Mum often said "I love you", my dad really never said it. My dad is one of those repressed types who just can't handle expressing emotions, but I know he does love me and is a good man - he is the one who brought me up after my mum left. I have had the same issue as you, OP, about wanting to change things and say "I love you" to my dad but finding it incredibly hard. I have been partially successful. Saying it in person is still impossible, but I now say it when we finish up phone conversations. The first few times I said he seemed slightly confused, and would say "pardon?" thinking he had misheard. Now he dad is slowly beginning to return it sometimes.
I have two kids, both boys age 1 and 3, and I say it to them all the time. I say it to my partner all the time too. I personally think its important to demonstrate affection in clear terms, so they always know for certain that I love them, and don't have to wait to achieve the emotional maturity to be able to read between the lines. I also think that I am setting a good example to them, that its normal to express emotion freely with people you love. I am a much crunchier parent than my parents were, that's for sure. I grew up with very low self-esteem (I am not blaming my parents for this, it is never as simple as that), and hope that my parenting style will help my sons grow up to be confident in themselves.
posted by Joh at 10:42 PM on May 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
I have two kids, both boys age 1 and 3, and I say it to them all the time. I say it to my partner all the time too. I personally think its important to demonstrate affection in clear terms, so they always know for certain that I love them, and don't have to wait to achieve the emotional maturity to be able to read between the lines. I also think that I am setting a good example to them, that its normal to express emotion freely with people you love. I am a much crunchier parent than my parents were, that's for sure. I grew up with very low self-esteem (I am not blaming my parents for this, it is never as simple as that), and hope that my parenting style will help my sons grow up to be confident in themselves.
posted by Joh at 10:42 PM on May 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm pushing 40, my mother is close to 60 - I can recall only three times she said those words as a child and it was usually after something bad had happened. My mother isn't very demonstrative, even with her grandchildren. She's more expressive now, I've heard it at least several times as an adult.
I needed to hear it much much more; so I filled in that gap feeling by making sure I told my children often. I also sought touch more than I received, so I made sure to be a good giver of physical affection too.
posted by _paegan_ at 11:16 PM on May 24, 2010
I needed to hear it much much more; so I filled in that gap feeling by making sure I told my children often. I also sought touch more than I received, so I made sure to be a good giver of physical affection too.
posted by _paegan_ at 11:16 PM on May 24, 2010
my parents don't really say this. i thought it was weird when i got to college and my roommate and her parents were i love you-ing all over the place. i think it's cultural? we're taiwanese immigrants, she was your average californian family. i also don't 'i love you' all over the place to my siblings. but my family members and i implicitly understand that we all love each other very much. there is no question!
i've only said i love you to boyfriends. whether or not i've meant it is another question lol. but when i think about it, it seems strange and awkward to say i love you to either my parents or my siblings. it'd be like walking around with someone and pointing up and saying "that is the sky" or "that's the sun" or something.
posted by raw sugar at 11:16 PM on May 24, 2010
i've only said i love you to boyfriends. whether or not i've meant it is another question lol. but when i think about it, it seems strange and awkward to say i love you to either my parents or my siblings. it'd be like walking around with someone and pointing up and saying "that is the sky" or "that's the sun" or something.
posted by raw sugar at 11:16 PM on May 24, 2010
I'm Taiwanese/Chinese-American, and I grew up around a lot of Chinese-American families like mine. I almost never heard anyone say the words "I love you" to their family members. I got the sense that this was because the love was so deeply felt that it was too private to express frequently, and not because they didn't care about their kids. I don't think any of us turned out for the worse just because we didn't have this habit, though perhaps its absence wasn't painful because there was no cultural expectation for it. Then again, I'm half convinced that the question "Did you eat yet?" is the reserved, Chinese parent way of saying "I love you", so perhaps we kids heard it all the time and just didn't realize it!
My parents recently moved 8,000 miles away. I think partly because of the distance, and partly because they have mellowed with 25 years of living in the United States, they've become more willing to actually say "I love you". Interestingly, I've noticed that they never say "I love you" in Chinese, even though Chinese is their native language. I think this is because they picked up this habit from watching American TV...
posted by millions of peaches at 11:21 PM on May 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
My parents recently moved 8,000 miles away. I think partly because of the distance, and partly because they have mellowed with 25 years of living in the United States, they've become more willing to actually say "I love you". Interestingly, I've noticed that they never say "I love you" in Chinese, even though Chinese is their native language. I think this is because they picked up this habit from watching American TV...
posted by millions of peaches at 11:21 PM on May 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
East Coast Jewish family (hollah!) we barely ever say we love each other. My parents didn't even say it to me when I went away to college, or when I moved across the entire country. Mom said "And, you know I don't say it ever, but I do, you know, love you" when she was extremely worried about my mental health. When my brother and I were growing up, I can remember my mom and dad having a little ritual when they put us to bed when we were very small - they'd read us each a story, give us a hug and then a kiss (on the cheek) and then say "love you goodnight", but that stopped when I turned about 5. After that stopped (the stories didn't, yay) we not only never said "I love you" but we also never really hugged or kissed. My grandparents would hug us and we'd exchange very brief "love you"s when visiting them, but it was really awkward for me.
Now in my mid-twenties I have a certain perspective on all of this. It turns out that I love giving and receiving concrete affection, but my mother is just sort of, well, cold. My dad came from a hugging family and this whole time has sort of suppressed it for my mom and because he just kind of got used to it. So now, when he visits, I hug my dad, but not my mom, because I know she feels weird about it. I know she loves me very, very much, but it's just not how she expresses it.
From what little experience I have with other people's familial interactions, families like yours and mine are a little weird, but not unhealthy. If you want to tell your parents that you love them, you should just do it! If you provide a little context, "I was thinking the other day that we never really say it to each other, I just wanted to say it, for fun and so you know!" they should understand. It's quite possible that if you initiate it, they'll learn to reciprocate, like my dad with hugging.
posted by Mizu at 11:44 PM on May 24, 2010
Now in my mid-twenties I have a certain perspective on all of this. It turns out that I love giving and receiving concrete affection, but my mother is just sort of, well, cold. My dad came from a hugging family and this whole time has sort of suppressed it for my mom and because he just kind of got used to it. So now, when he visits, I hug my dad, but not my mom, because I know she feels weird about it. I know she loves me very, very much, but it's just not how she expresses it.
From what little experience I have with other people's familial interactions, families like yours and mine are a little weird, but not unhealthy. If you want to tell your parents that you love them, you should just do it! If you provide a little context, "I was thinking the other day that we never really say it to each other, I just wanted to say it, for fun and so you know!" they should understand. It's quite possible that if you initiate it, they'll learn to reciprocate, like my dad with hugging.
posted by Mizu at 11:44 PM on May 24, 2010
Some people say how they feel, some people show how they feel, and some do both. If you felt loved, then don't worry about how often they said it outright. There's a whole subset of people out there who, when asked "but do you love me?" will roll their eyes and say something like "well, of COURSE." Some people are just goes-without-saying types.
For what it's worth, my parents were that way. My wife's parents were the opposite. Somewhere in between is a sweet spot, where you say it often enough to make it clear (as well as acting out of love, which in my book goes much further than words) but not so often that it becomes trite and meaningless.
posted by davejay at 11:49 PM on May 24, 2010
For what it's worth, my parents were that way. My wife's parents were the opposite. Somewhere in between is a sweet spot, where you say it often enough to make it clear (as well as acting out of love, which in my book goes much further than words) but not so often that it becomes trite and meaningless.
posted by davejay at 11:49 PM on May 24, 2010
It's funny. My mother and I exchange the words frequently, as do my wife and I. I don't think my father and I have ever said the words to each other, though I have no doubt we do love each other. I have never said it to my brother, nor he to I.
posted by maxwelton at 1:44 AM on May 25, 2010
posted by maxwelton at 1:44 AM on May 25, 2010
I can't remember my parents ever saying it in those words. In Urdu, it actually sounds EXTREMELY unnatural to say, explicitly, that you love someone. The closest you might get is "I care a great deal for you" and even that is unusual.
So I'm sure there are cultural factors at work. And yes, it bugs me a bit too, being a verbally and physically demonstrative person myself. But I know that I'm the cultural outlier in my case.
posted by bardophile at 3:04 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
So I'm sure there are cultural factors at work. And yes, it bugs me a bit too, being a verbally and physically demonstrative person myself. But I know that I'm the cultural outlier in my case.
posted by bardophile at 3:04 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
My family says I love you all the time, when leaving, hanging up the phone, etc. I have never heard anyone in my husband's family say it and we live with my mother in law, so there is ample opportunity. When we first got together, he said that he thought it was kind of nice and now I have fully converted him and he tells me he loves me all the time.
posted by crankylex at 3:36 AM on May 25, 2010
posted by crankylex at 3:36 AM on May 25, 2010
I am an only child in my mid-30s (female if it matters)
East Coast Jewish
Hey me too:-) My parents are older than yours. My Mom says/said 'I love you' all the time in person, and also in almost every little email and phone call. My Dad rarely if ever says it out loud, though he always signs it in notes, cards, etc. I never thought about the fact that he didn't say it until reading your question just now; I guess he shows it in non-verbal ways.
I really think it's just one of those "people are different and they have different ways of expressing themselves" things.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 4:20 AM on May 25, 2010
East Coast Jewish
Hey me too:-) My parents are older than yours. My Mom says/said 'I love you' all the time in person, and also in almost every little email and phone call. My Dad rarely if ever says it out loud, though he always signs it in notes, cards, etc. I never thought about the fact that he didn't say it until reading your question just now; I guess he shows it in non-verbal ways.
I really think it's just one of those "people are different and they have different ways of expressing themselves" things.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 4:20 AM on May 25, 2010
Grew up in the UK, born in the Seventies. I don't think my parents ever said it when I was a kid, though my mother does now.
I have a vague impression that regular "I love yous" used to be an American (maybe WASP?) thing, but has now spread to other groups as a result of TV and movies.
The habit always seemed a bit pathological to me. Why do you need to keep saying something that ought to be obvious? Nobody walks around saying fire burns, water is wet. You'd only need to say it if you're worried it might not be true.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 4:43 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have a vague impression that regular "I love yous" used to be an American (maybe WASP?) thing, but has now spread to other groups as a result of TV and movies.
The habit always seemed a bit pathological to me. Why do you need to keep saying something that ought to be obvious? Nobody walks around saying fire burns, water is wet. You'd only need to say it if you're worried it might not be true.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 4:43 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
I remember seeing an interview with Peter Fonda about how his father (Henry, known to be a distant father) never told him that he loved him. IIRC, Peter started ending conversions with 'I love you Dad' and if Henry didn't respond Peter would say, "And you love me too, right?" Peter went on to say that it look some time but eventually Henry did tell him that he loved him.
Hearing that story made me realized that no one in our family really told each 'I love you.' The next time I talked to my dad (I was an adult by that point) I added an 'I love you' at the end of the conversion. I remember it feeling really weird when I said it. My dad, a rather stern, quiet guy, responded with an 'I love you, too.' From that point on, every conversion with my dad ended with exchanges of 'I love you' and it quickly spread to end conversations with my mom and sibs, and now feels total natural and even perfunctory at times.
posted by sexymofo at 5:13 AM on May 25, 2010
Hearing that story made me realized that no one in our family really told each 'I love you.' The next time I talked to my dad (I was an adult by that point) I added an 'I love you' at the end of the conversion. I remember it feeling really weird when I said it. My dad, a rather stern, quiet guy, responded with an 'I love you, too.' From that point on, every conversion with my dad ended with exchanges of 'I love you' and it quickly spread to end conversations with my mom and sibs, and now feels total natural and even perfunctory at times.
posted by sexymofo at 5:13 AM on May 25, 2010
From Mom, all the time. From Dad, not that I can recall. He's the child of Ukrainian immigrant father and Polish first-generation mother. I don't think there was a whole lot of vocal displays of love and affection in either of their families, so how would that feel normal to him to say it to me? It's the kind of thing that used to bother me in my teens and early 20s, but I've come to realize that love is expressed in a variety of ways (in his case: making all kinds of stuff for us kids, recommending books and music that he likes and thinks we would like, calling us pet names).
posted by medeine at 5:15 AM on May 25, 2010
posted by medeine at 5:15 AM on May 25, 2010
I'm 36, and I can count on one hand the times I remember my mother saying she loved me. I grew up in New England, so I guess I always attributed it to stern Yankee tradition (?). My father was a lot more affectionate, though.
With my own kids, I definitely tell them I love them more often than my mother did, along with regular hugs and affection, but I don't do the constant "I love you's". I'm with TheophileEscargot, I think it's wierd to say it all the time, but it seems that that's what most people do. I even had a coworker yell at me once for not telling my daughter I loved her when she called me at work when she got home from school (which she did every day). Like you can't love someone if you don't talk about it.
Love, to me, is a verb. It's something you do. It's nice to hear it, but I put a lot more value on actions. As long as you *felt* loved by your parents, that's what counts.
posted by cottonswab at 5:30 AM on May 25, 2010
With my own kids, I definitely tell them I love them more often than my mother did, along with regular hugs and affection, but I don't do the constant "I love you's". I'm with TheophileEscargot, I think it's wierd to say it all the time, but it seems that that's what most people do. I even had a coworker yell at me once for not telling my daughter I loved her when she called me at work when she got home from school (which she did every day). Like you can't love someone if you don't talk about it.
Love, to me, is a verb. It's something you do. It's nice to hear it, but I put a lot more value on actions. As long as you *felt* loved by your parents, that's what counts.
posted by cottonswab at 5:30 AM on May 25, 2010
I see quite a few of the posters above have reported the same thing I was going to say: I didn't hear it very frequently at home growing up, though I certainly did not doubt that my parents loved me. I'd usually get it more in cards and letters than verbally.
However, now that I'm a parent, I say it all. the. time. to my kids (not my parents). I was just thinking about this the other day, that I love how easily my children express their affection - physically and verbally - to us and to each other.
I have a similar question about kissing family on the mouth. I would never kiss my parents on the mouth (whoa, weird!), but I kiss my kids on the mouth all the time. I wonder if there are parallels to be drawn - are you more likely to kiss on the mouth if you're also a verbal 'I love you'er?
posted by widdershins at 5:50 AM on May 25, 2010
However, now that I'm a parent, I say it all. the. time. to my kids (not my parents). I was just thinking about this the other day, that I love how easily my children express their affection - physically and verbally - to us and to each other.
I have a similar question about kissing family on the mouth. I would never kiss my parents on the mouth (whoa, weird!), but I kiss my kids on the mouth all the time. I wonder if there are parallels to be drawn - are you more likely to kiss on the mouth if you're also a verbal 'I love you'er?
posted by widdershins at 5:50 AM on May 25, 2010
widdershins--I don't think so. I'm a verbal 'i love you'er, and they hear it at the close of 80% of our conversations. I don't kiss my parents on the mouth, haven't in years. I did as a child though.
posted by emkelley at 6:00 AM on May 25, 2010
posted by emkelley at 6:00 AM on May 25, 2010
I'm 35, my parents are 68; my mother is German and my father is Canadian, of English and Ukrainian descent. I don't recall either of my parents ever telling me they love me. They're not hug people either.
However, when I got a cancer diagnosis, I called my dad and couldn't even say it. I couldn't even tell him, I just failed to speak. There was just silence on the line. And in spite of them living an hour and a half away, I could practically hear him pick up his keys when he said, "where are you?"
My parents drove that hour and a half in to pick me up to take me fifteen minutes from my house to take me to the hospital a couple of months later, waited hours with me while I waited to go into surgery, waited through three hours of surgery and five hours in recovery only to be told they couldn't see me; then drove the hour and a half back in a snowstorm the following day to pick me up and bring me home. They took care of me for two months afterward too. I can't type this out without crying. I am very well aware of the depth of my parents' love and care for me, and I am humbled by it.
Don't get hung up on words. Just people people aren't in the habit of using them doesn't mean you're missing a damn thing.
posted by Hildegarde at 6:01 AM on May 25, 2010 [7 favorites]
However, when I got a cancer diagnosis, I called my dad and couldn't even say it. I couldn't even tell him, I just failed to speak. There was just silence on the line. And in spite of them living an hour and a half away, I could practically hear him pick up his keys when he said, "where are you?"
My parents drove that hour and a half in to pick me up to take me fifteen minutes from my house to take me to the hospital a couple of months later, waited hours with me while I waited to go into surgery, waited through three hours of surgery and five hours in recovery only to be told they couldn't see me; then drove the hour and a half back in a snowstorm the following day to pick me up and bring me home. They took care of me for two months afterward too. I can't type this out without crying. I am very well aware of the depth of my parents' love and care for me, and I am humbled by it.
Don't get hung up on words. Just people people aren't in the habit of using them doesn't mean you're missing a damn thing.
posted by Hildegarde at 6:01 AM on May 25, 2010 [7 favorites]
I grew up in an Italian/Irish Catholic-ish family just outside Boston. Remember on the Sopranos where everyone hugged, back-slapped and kissed when they greeted each other? It's pretty much like that.
My dad may as well punctuate all his sentences with, "I love you." He definitely doesn't mean it; he just says it out of habit. You can just tell, because he says it to my much-older sisters and my mother very differently. I cannot say "I love you" back to him. (As a result, every single time I say I love someone - family, friend, spouse - I really, really do mean it.)
Like everyone else said, saying "I love you" doesn't make it true and not saying it doesn't mean it's not true.
posted by giraffe at 6:26 AM on May 25, 2010
My dad may as well punctuate all his sentences with, "I love you." He definitely doesn't mean it; he just says it out of habit. You can just tell, because he says it to my much-older sisters and my mother very differently. I cannot say "I love you" back to him. (As a result, every single time I say I love someone - family, friend, spouse - I really, really do mean it.)
Like everyone else said, saying "I love you" doesn't make it true and not saying it doesn't mean it's not true.
posted by giraffe at 6:26 AM on May 25, 2010
Middle class only child, mid-30s. Both my parents were working class/blue collar families from Baltimore, my dad is in his mid 60s and my mom in her mid 70s.
They both saved "I love you" for special occasions when I was growing up, either major milestones for which they were proud or making up after a fight.
In the last 5 or 6 years, my dad has suddenly taken to ending phone calls with "I love you," which catches me off guard and sort of...embarrasses me? I mean, I'm not literally embarrassed, but that's sort of how it feels.
My SO and I tell each other we love each other all the time.
posted by desuetude at 6:30 AM on May 25, 2010
They both saved "I love you" for special occasions when I was growing up, either major milestones for which they were proud or making up after a fight.
In the last 5 or 6 years, my dad has suddenly taken to ending phone calls with "I love you," which catches me off guard and sort of...embarrasses me? I mean, I'm not literally embarrassed, but that's sort of how it feels.
My SO and I tell each other we love each other all the time.
posted by desuetude at 6:30 AM on May 25, 2010
Oh, I wanted to add something now that people are talking about how they have changed with their own kids. We always tell our daughter that we love her when she goes to bed. Also when she's having a tantrum, although that may be to remind ourselves!
posted by gaspode at 6:36 AM on May 25, 2010
posted by gaspode at 6:36 AM on May 25, 2010
My mom is the kind of mom who will always end a phone call telling me she loves me. My dad, not so much. But once, when he was visiting me while I was living abroad and we were parting at a train station, he got all quiet and looked more uncomfortable and embarrassed than I had ever seen him before. He suddenly touched me with one hand, raised his other fist into the air in a kind of salute, and half shouted, "We'll show 'em!"
No idea who "they" are, or what exactly we are "showing 'em", but it was the best "I love you" I've ever received. When I later told my mother about this salute over the telephone, we both cried from laughing so hard. (Well, we were probably both crying for other reasons too.)
posted by meerkatty at 6:45 AM on May 25, 2010 [7 favorites]
No idea who "they" are, or what exactly we are "showing 'em", but it was the best "I love you" I've ever received. When I later told my mother about this salute over the telephone, we both cried from laughing so hard. (Well, we were probably both crying for other reasons too.)
posted by meerkatty at 6:45 AM on May 25, 2010 [7 favorites]
My family didn't say I love you very much at all while we were growing up, though it was obvious from actions and other words that my parents loved us very much. My parents are both from blue collar Irish Catholic families in NYC and they each grew up as they youngest child, with a bit of a gap from their older sibling(s) in their respective families in the 50s and early 60s.
However, when I went away to college, and since then (so approximately 11 years now), my parents say it much more often, to the extent that my sisters and I joke about the change. Like desuetude above, I was a little embarrassed somehow when they started doing it, but now its typical for us to end many (though not all) phone calls with I love you.
Again, other than it being an odd little change for my parents that my sisters and I laugh about, I don't think it really changed anything else in our relationship, since our parents were loving and demonstrative throughout our entire childhood, even when during the terrible teen years.
posted by Caz721 at 6:49 AM on May 25, 2010
However, when I went away to college, and since then (so approximately 11 years now), my parents say it much more often, to the extent that my sisters and I joke about the change. Like desuetude above, I was a little embarrassed somehow when they started doing it, but now its typical for us to end many (though not all) phone calls with I love you.
Again, other than it being an odd little change for my parents that my sisters and I laugh about, I don't think it really changed anything else in our relationship, since our parents were loving and demonstrative throughout our entire childhood, even when during the terrible teen years.
posted by Caz721 at 6:49 AM on May 25, 2010
I have a vague impression that regular "I love yous" used to be an American (maybe WASP?) thing, but has now spread to other groups as a result of TV and movies.
I don't think it's very WASPy. I read in a biography of the Mellon family that they were so WASPy that it was considered an overstepping of bounds to compliment the food on Christmas.
As for myself, reading about all these families saying "I love you" so much is truly making me uncomfortable, and the idea of elaborating on the demonstrativeness of my family is only making that worse.
posted by oreofuchi at 6:50 AM on May 25, 2010
I don't think it's very WASPy. I read in a biography of the Mellon family that they were so WASPy that it was considered an overstepping of bounds to compliment the food on Christmas.
As for myself, reading about all these families saying "I love you" so much is truly making me uncomfortable, and the idea of elaborating on the demonstrativeness of my family is only making that worse.
posted by oreofuchi at 6:50 AM on May 25, 2010
I don't think it's unusual. Mid 30's, parents are in their early 80's. By the time I came on the scene, my parents had been parenting for 40+ years and were kinda over it. I can't recall many, if any "I love you's" from them. I knew 100% they loved me up until I was about 6 ... then they really checked out and I was convinced they didn't even like me much all the way through high school.
Fast forward to soon after I left for college. I started saying "I love you" after our weekly phone calls and it has stuck ever since and it isn't a weird thing between us. I think now that they are nearing the end of their lives, they are dealing with guilt and regrets and in many ways are making up for it. I truly believe, in our case, saying "I love you" was an catalyst for improving our relationship.
I don't have kids, but my siblings that do say "I love you" a lot to their children and I think it's great.
posted by SoulOnIce at 7:02 AM on May 25, 2010
Fast forward to soon after I left for college. I started saying "I love you" after our weekly phone calls and it has stuck ever since and it isn't a weird thing between us. I think now that they are nearing the end of their lives, they are dealing with guilt and regrets and in many ways are making up for it. I truly believe, in our case, saying "I love you" was an catalyst for improving our relationship.
I don't have kids, but my siblings that do say "I love you" a lot to their children and I think it's great.
posted by SoulOnIce at 7:02 AM on May 25, 2010
I'm 29, raised in Texas. Mom and I say "I love you" every time we talk on the phone (once a week) and frequently when we see each other in person. Dad and I say it at the end of a phone conversation but we talk much less frequently (maybe three times a year).
It would be very weird to me to not say it.
posted by marginaliana at 7:23 AM on May 25, 2010
It would be very weird to me to not say it.
posted by marginaliana at 7:23 AM on May 25, 2010
I don't suppose every person here whose parents don't say "I love you" actually needs to chime in, but my parents have never said it. I'm 44, they're in their late 70s. Growing up, I did not feel loved by them, but in adulthood, while I sometimes wish for more from them, I've been more able to accept the ways that two very very reserved people express their love, though all the issues are coming up again for me now as my mother now has the medical condition that will probably kill her, and not too far down the road, either. I'm realizing that she will probably go to her grave without ever saying she loved me, and, yes, that's hard. I envy you people who felt the love even though the words weren't said. Last time we were on the phone, I said it to her, though, so at least I can check that off my life list.
I think it's because of who my parents are and the kind of people they are that I love the poem Those Winter Sundays so much.
posted by not that girl at 7:46 AM on May 25, 2010
I think it's because of who my parents are and the kind of people they are that I love the poem Those Winter Sundays so much.
posted by not that girl at 7:46 AM on May 25, 2010
I don't recall my father ever saying "I love you," but I knew without a doubt that he did love me as much as anyone can love another. People sometimes have different ways of saying it. Every time I left the house, especially after I'd moved out and gone to college, as I walked out the door, he'd always call after me "Eat!" ... because he always thought I was too skinny and not eating enough. That was just his way of saying he loved me, cared about me, and worried about me. In fact, days before he passed away I was visiting, and the very last thing I heard my father say was a hollered "Eat!" as I headed out to my car. I miss hearing him say that more than I miss the fact he never said "I love you."
On the other hand, my mom, who I have always had a difficult relationship with says "I love you" all the time. More so since she's gotten older. But it always just felt (and still does) like she's saying something she thinks she should be saying and not so much because she's really feeling it. Sometimes, I really wish she'd just stop saying it altogether.
Now my husband and I say it to each other every morning when I walk him to his truck to see him off to work. He works in a somewhat dangerous field where bad things can happen, and I always want him to know I love him. Not that he wouldn't if I never said it again, because we both know we love each other and show it in other ways, but it makes me feel better to know I've said it, just in case something happens. It's kind of taken on superstitious proportions at this point.
And while we don't have kids, we do have cats, and both of us tell the cats we love them all the time. I suspect had we had children, we'd have been saying "I love you" to them all the time. LOL!
Anyway, I think as long as you feel loved and your parents show their concern and caring for you in other ways (or with other words), it's all good. It's way more important to feel loved and cared about than to hear certain words.
posted by Orb at 7:55 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
On the other hand, my mom, who I have always had a difficult relationship with says "I love you" all the time. More so since she's gotten older. But it always just felt (and still does) like she's saying something she thinks she should be saying and not so much because she's really feeling it. Sometimes, I really wish she'd just stop saying it altogether.
Now my husband and I say it to each other every morning when I walk him to his truck to see him off to work. He works in a somewhat dangerous field where bad things can happen, and I always want him to know I love him. Not that he wouldn't if I never said it again, because we both know we love each other and show it in other ways, but it makes me feel better to know I've said it, just in case something happens. It's kind of taken on superstitious proportions at this point.
And while we don't have kids, we do have cats, and both of us tell the cats we love them all the time. I suspect had we had children, we'd have been saying "I love you" to them all the time. LOL!
Anyway, I think as long as you feel loved and your parents show their concern and caring for you in other ways (or with other words), it's all good. It's way more important to feel loved and cared about than to hear certain words.
posted by Orb at 7:55 AM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
My folks say it a lot.
From what I gather, their own parents didn't say it much, and so I think it was one of those things where the pendulum swung in the other direction, parenting-style-wise.
posted by box at 7:58 AM on May 25, 2010
From what I gather, their own parents didn't say it much, and so I think it was one of those things where the pendulum swung in the other direction, parenting-style-wise.
posted by box at 7:58 AM on May 25, 2010
My parents said it a lot, but their actions ran so contrary to the meaning of those words that it was confusing/ meaningless.
Talk is cheap. How do they treat you?
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 8:08 AM on May 25, 2010
Talk is cheap. How do they treat you?
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 8:08 AM on May 25, 2010
I don't ever recall my mother saying it to me, I do remember "love mom" on cards/gift tags at a very early age which felt more like mere formality than anything else considering she was capable of outward expressions of affection toward my sister.
then they really checked out and I was convinced they didn't even like me much all the way through high school.
The opposite is true for me, there are certain events that as an adult that just reinforced the feeling I had all my life even more. I wish I could say she at least liked me, but I don't think she ever did.
posted by squeak at 8:17 AM on May 25, 2010
then they really checked out and I was convinced they didn't even like me much all the way through high school.
The opposite is true for me, there are certain events that as an adult that just reinforced the feeling I had all my life even more. I wish I could say she at least liked me, but I don't think she ever did.
posted by squeak at 8:17 AM on May 25, 2010
Nthing that actions speak louder than words.
I was reared by my (adoptive) mum (early boomer, 35 when she adopted me, Midwesterner). She told me and my brother at least twice a day that she loved us, when she dropped us off at school (by means of the ASL for "I love you" to avoid embarrassment on our part") and when she went to work in the evening. Hugs and a kiss were also required at the latter juncture.
On the other end of the spectrum, my grandmother (b. 1914) also lived with us for most of my growing-up years (and still lives with mum). She tells me she loves me quite a lot now when I talk to her on the phone or visit. I'm not sure she ever really told me so when I lived at home. Once on my birthday she gave me a card that said something like "I'm proud of you" inside. I says 'Thanks Grandma,' she says 'Don't let it go to your head.'
My gram's idiolect had particular idioms for expressing love, mainly variants on "Why don't you eat something" or "Don't stay out too late". I never doubted her love, and I'm highly amused to see her getting a bit mushy and emotional in her old age.
I don't say 'I love you' very often to the persons I care about. Sometimes this bothers me. And sometimes I think throwing the 'L' word around too much cheapens it. I've got a few good friends that I've exchanged declarations of love with maybe a handful of times, but those moments that we did so possessed an emotional energy that was almost physical and which has carried me through lots of dry times....
posted by tivalasvegas at 8:21 AM on May 25, 2010
I was reared by my (adoptive) mum (early boomer, 35 when she adopted me, Midwesterner). She told me and my brother at least twice a day that she loved us, when she dropped us off at school (by means of the ASL for "I love you" to avoid embarrassment on our part") and when she went to work in the evening. Hugs and a kiss were also required at the latter juncture.
On the other end of the spectrum, my grandmother (b. 1914) also lived with us for most of my growing-up years (and still lives with mum). She tells me she loves me quite a lot now when I talk to her on the phone or visit. I'm not sure she ever really told me so when I lived at home. Once on my birthday she gave me a card that said something like "I'm proud of you" inside. I says 'Thanks Grandma,' she says 'Don't let it go to your head.'
My gram's idiolect had particular idioms for expressing love, mainly variants on "Why don't you eat something" or "Don't stay out too late". I never doubted her love, and I'm highly amused to see her getting a bit mushy and emotional in her old age.
I don't say 'I love you' very often to the persons I care about. Sometimes this bothers me. And sometimes I think throwing the 'L' word around too much cheapens it. I've got a few good friends that I've exchanged declarations of love with maybe a handful of times, but those moments that we did so possessed an emotional energy that was almost physical and which has carried me through lots of dry times....
posted by tivalasvegas at 8:21 AM on May 25, 2010
"You're out of here? You have everything, keys, wallet, phone?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. Drive carefully. Don't forget to lock the door."
See? They DO say I love you! They just say it differently.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 8:23 AM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
"Yeah."
"Okay. Drive carefully. Don't forget to lock the door."
See? They DO say I love you! They just say it differently.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 8:23 AM on May 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
I came from a family that never said "I love you" even though it was obvious we all did. My son is being raised to say "I love you" so my mother is now in the position of having to respond in kind. It's interesting to observe. She signs his cards "Love you, Grandma" which I think is rather sweet. She's trying. She may get the "I" in there at some point, but in the meantime, it's clear she loves him to pieces.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 9:16 AM on May 25, 2010
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 9:16 AM on May 25, 2010
I'm 40-something and my experiences mirror many of the posts above (as a child, my Mother clearly loved us but never told us so).
Interestingly, my college girlfriend's family was VERY vocal and demonstrative in expressing their love to one another. This caused me to note more acutely the absence in my own life. When I expressed dismay about this to my girlfriend, she pointed out that I never told my Mother that I loved her. So, I just started saying "I love you" at the end of conversations and visits and -- over time -- she started to return the sentiment. She's still not especially demonstrative, but she tries and that's what counts.
posted by Alexdan4 at 12:32 PM on May 25, 2010
Interestingly, my college girlfriend's family was VERY vocal and demonstrative in expressing their love to one another. This caused me to note more acutely the absence in my own life. When I expressed dismay about this to my girlfriend, she pointed out that I never told my Mother that I loved her. So, I just started saying "I love you" at the end of conversations and visits and -- over time -- she started to return the sentiment. She's still not especially demonstrative, but she tries and that's what counts.
posted by Alexdan4 at 12:32 PM on May 25, 2010
I'm not sure how common it is not to say it in general, but your feeling that you wish it had been said more is not at all uncommon.
My dad has always considered it a point of sadness that his father never (as in, never once) said it to him, and he says it to us frequently, along with, "I'm very proud of you," which is something else he wishes he'd heard from his father. I think saying it to his children has done a lot to heal the feeling that there was something lacking, so if you feel the same way he does, it might be a wonderfully healing thing to make a point of saying it to your kids often.
posted by palliser at 1:21 PM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
My dad has always considered it a point of sadness that his father never (as in, never once) said it to him, and he says it to us frequently, along with, "I'm very proud of you," which is something else he wishes he'd heard from his father. I think saying it to his children has done a lot to heal the feeling that there was something lacking, so if you feel the same way he does, it might be a wonderfully healing thing to make a point of saying it to your kids often.
posted by palliser at 1:21 PM on May 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yeah, my parents never really said it much. I also felt like I was missing something. (Well, a lot of things, but that's another set of stories entirely.) After my parents divorced, I started saying it to my mother and brother and now the three of us regularly say it to sign off phone conversations and/or whenever we're giving hugs goodbye.
posted by limeonaire at 7:32 PM on May 25, 2010
posted by limeonaire at 7:32 PM on May 25, 2010
My family doesn't use that phrase except in really dire situations. But lots of affection, caring words and gestures, etc. Never any doubt that my parents loved us and each other and we loved them. There is something about the magic phrase that rings a little hollow, in contrast to some more-personal, more-specific things we might say to each other, or a caring or inquisitive look, etc.
My in-laws use that phrase all the damn time, because my mother-in-law is of the view that you must always say that upon parting, or upon hanging up the phone, because what if you got into a car wreck? She wants to be sure the magic phrase was the last thing she said to you. I'm not a huge fan of this reasoning myself but I can see why it's compelling to her, so am happy to oblige.
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:34 PM on May 25, 2010
My in-laws use that phrase all the damn time, because my mother-in-law is of the view that you must always say that upon parting, or upon hanging up the phone, because what if you got into a car wreck? She wants to be sure the magic phrase was the last thing she said to you. I'm not a huge fan of this reasoning myself but I can see why it's compelling to her, so am happy to oblige.
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:34 PM on May 25, 2010
I was under the impression that it used to be an American (maybe WASP?) thing
Just want to jump in here - the traditional upper-class northeast American WASP culture (I'm thinking of 1900-1965ish, don't know before then) was famously undemonstrative. So, if there is an increasing trend toward saying "I love you" often under routine daily circumstances, it didn't come from the northeastern US WASPs.
(My own wild guess is that it's from a tv family or self-help or similar, starting around the late '60s.)
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:46 PM on May 25, 2010
Just want to jump in here - the traditional upper-class northeast American WASP culture (I'm thinking of 1900-1965ish, don't know before then) was famously undemonstrative. So, if there is an increasing trend toward saying "I love you" often under routine daily circumstances, it didn't come from the northeastern US WASPs.
(My own wild guess is that it's from a tv family or self-help or similar, starting around the late '60s.)
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:46 PM on May 25, 2010
This may depend a lot on culture. My Japanese friends tell me that "I love you" is almost never said among families in their culture (although this is slowly changing in recent years).
My family says it a lot. Personally, I feel such expressions are important. For the sake of comparison, how would you feel if people you were going out of your way for never said "thank you", but they just expressed their thankfulness in other more subtle ways? Personally, even if I knew they were appreciative, I'd be annoyed that they didn't voice it. I feel the same way about expressions of affection.
On the other hand, I do feel that when "I love you" becomes a ritual, always said in parting or on the phone, that it starts to lose its meaning. Like buying flowers for your wife, timing it well for when it's needed more or when it's unexpected may increase the impact.
As for finding a way to say it after a lifetime of not saying it - just talk honestly about what you're feeling. Talk about your affection, but also the awkwardness. Something like "It was good to see you today. You know, I was just thinking the other day that we don't say 'I love you' as much as other people might. It can feel kinda awkward to say it, but I wanted to let you know - I love you. I just wanted to make sure you know that".
Ok... that sounded like a greeting card. Well, maybe I'm not as good with words as I thought I was when I started writing this post. Still, I'd try something like that.
posted by Vorteks at 8:30 AM on May 26, 2010
My family says it a lot. Personally, I feel such expressions are important. For the sake of comparison, how would you feel if people you were going out of your way for never said "thank you", but they just expressed their thankfulness in other more subtle ways? Personally, even if I knew they were appreciative, I'd be annoyed that they didn't voice it. I feel the same way about expressions of affection.
On the other hand, I do feel that when "I love you" becomes a ritual, always said in parting or on the phone, that it starts to lose its meaning. Like buying flowers for your wife, timing it well for when it's needed more or when it's unexpected may increase the impact.
As for finding a way to say it after a lifetime of not saying it - just talk honestly about what you're feeling. Talk about your affection, but also the awkwardness. Something like "It was good to see you today. You know, I was just thinking the other day that we don't say 'I love you' as much as other people might. It can feel kinda awkward to say it, but I wanted to let you know - I love you. I just wanted to make sure you know that".
Ok... that sounded like a greeting card. Well, maybe I'm not as good with words as I thought I was when I started writing this post. Still, I'd try something like that.
posted by Vorteks at 8:30 AM on May 26, 2010
My dad never did (his response when I would say "I love you" was always "I know you do".) but over the years he has changed at my request and will say it back to me. My mother always says it.
My husbands parents never said it to the kids or each other but have changed in the last ten years or so and now do say it. Only it sounds a tiny bit uncomfortable for them.
posted by agentwills at 10:46 AM on May 28, 2010
My husbands parents never said it to the kids or each other but have changed in the last ten years or so and now do say it. Only it sounds a tiny bit uncomfortable for them.
posted by agentwills at 10:46 AM on May 28, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
For reference, I am in my 30s, my parents are in their 70s and come from a blue-collar Philadelphia background.
posted by cabingirl at 7:46 PM on May 24, 2010