Hello Pregnancy, Goodbye Friendship?
May 23, 2010 8:36 AM Subscribe
Being pregnant led me to losing a close friendship with Jane, feeling left out by my circle of friends, and generally feeling guilty about being pregnant in the first place. I'd really appreciate advice.
When I first announced I was pregnant, my good friend Jane was super-excited. So excited that she started planning a baby shower and sending me almost-daily advice from other friends on pregnancy and babies. After about a month of this, all communication from her stopped. She's been trying to get pregnant for a few years and sent an email to me a few weeks later saying that she no longer felt comfortable being around me because of my pregnancy. This is someone that I have talked to at least once a week for five years. I thought that we were good friends. After this email, I tried to be respectful of her feelings and have not made any attempts to contact her other than to respond and say that I am thinking of her and appreciate her honesty.
Jane also acts as the de-facto organizer for our circle of friends. As a result, I am no longer invited to any group activities. It's like my whole circle of friends (with a few exceptions) has totally vanished. Thanks to the powers of Facebook, I know that this group is still getting together all the time, just without me.
I'm lucky to have some great friends outside this group who have been wonderfully supportive throughout the pregnancy. However, it still hurts to feel excluded from my old circle of friends. I didn't expect pregnancy to be this lonely.
Also, while I'm super-excited about the baby (who will arrive any day now), I'm wondering how I can get over this loss of friendship. While I'm generally a very positive person, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut of focusing on the friendships lost instead of all of the excitement to come. More than anything, I feel guilty for being pregnant and I can't seem to get over it. Although I know that it's illogical to feel guilty, I can't help but be wary of talking about my pregnancy with new people or expressing excitement about having a baby on the way. I'm always afraid of offending someone who is having difficulty conceiving.
Mefites, I would really appreciate your advice:
1) Have any of you had similar experiences? Do these lost friends ever return or should I assume that Jane is now just an acquaintance?
2) Do you have any advice on how to get over the loss of a close friendship and no longer being a part of a circle of friends?
3) Have any of you felt guilty for being pregnant?
My throwaway email address is ask.2.hellobaby@spamgourmet.com.
When I first announced I was pregnant, my good friend Jane was super-excited. So excited that she started planning a baby shower and sending me almost-daily advice from other friends on pregnancy and babies. After about a month of this, all communication from her stopped. She's been trying to get pregnant for a few years and sent an email to me a few weeks later saying that she no longer felt comfortable being around me because of my pregnancy. This is someone that I have talked to at least once a week for five years. I thought that we were good friends. After this email, I tried to be respectful of her feelings and have not made any attempts to contact her other than to respond and say that I am thinking of her and appreciate her honesty.
Jane also acts as the de-facto organizer for our circle of friends. As a result, I am no longer invited to any group activities. It's like my whole circle of friends (with a few exceptions) has totally vanished. Thanks to the powers of Facebook, I know that this group is still getting together all the time, just without me.
I'm lucky to have some great friends outside this group who have been wonderfully supportive throughout the pregnancy. However, it still hurts to feel excluded from my old circle of friends. I didn't expect pregnancy to be this lonely.
Also, while I'm super-excited about the baby (who will arrive any day now), I'm wondering how I can get over this loss of friendship. While I'm generally a very positive person, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut of focusing on the friendships lost instead of all of the excitement to come. More than anything, I feel guilty for being pregnant and I can't seem to get over it. Although I know that it's illogical to feel guilty, I can't help but be wary of talking about my pregnancy with new people or expressing excitement about having a baby on the way. I'm always afraid of offending someone who is having difficulty conceiving.
Mefites, I would really appreciate your advice:
1) Have any of you had similar experiences? Do these lost friends ever return or should I assume that Jane is now just an acquaintance?
2) Do you have any advice on how to get over the loss of a close friendship and no longer being a part of a circle of friends?
3) Have any of you felt guilty for being pregnant?
My throwaway email address is ask.2.hellobaby@spamgourmet.com.
Haven't had a similar experience, but I have lost friends and I have been pregnnant. I think the first question to look at would be, does Jane have a history of doing this to people. If she does, well, you're just the most recent person thrown under the truck, and mourn it as you would any other loss of friendship (because losing friends hurts. There's not much difference between being dumped suddenly by an SO and being dumped suddenly by a good friend. It hurts, you hurt, and eventually you get on with things). But if it IS out of character, then it probably is about her inability to get pregnant, and I would reach out. Something along the lines of, "I really miss you, I'm sorry if I was insensitive, please tell me how we can start over" might do the trick.
Honestly, it sounds to me like she may have jumped in over her ability to cope, and that her desire to be a good friend and throw herself into the frenzy of HOORAY, MY FRIEND'S PREGNANT!, may have crashed headlong into her heartache over not having a bunchkin of her own. And she handled it badly. Really badly. (Honestly, excluding you from everything? And the rest of the group respects that? Sounds to me like she tarred and feathered you as insensitive to her position.) But take it from one who's been amazingly callous and unfair at times in the past: Really good friendships are worth the trouble of resurrecting. Sometimes these kinds of blowups, and the re-evaluations that follow, are good for the overall relationship. Extend an olive branch: Tell her you miss her. If she misses you too, you can talk and mend fences.
Letters are good if you have a lot to say/feel a phone call would be invasive. Handwriting can evoke surprisingly strong memories, and the format lets you organize your thoughts and address your thoughts without conversational tangents. Plus, she could digest your offer and private, with time to truly consider how she feels and what she wants.
posted by Ys at 8:57 AM on May 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
Honestly, it sounds to me like she may have jumped in over her ability to cope, and that her desire to be a good friend and throw herself into the frenzy of HOORAY, MY FRIEND'S PREGNANT!, may have crashed headlong into her heartache over not having a bunchkin of her own. And she handled it badly. Really badly. (Honestly, excluding you from everything? And the rest of the group respects that? Sounds to me like she tarred and feathered you as insensitive to her position.) But take it from one who's been amazingly callous and unfair at times in the past: Really good friendships are worth the trouble of resurrecting. Sometimes these kinds of blowups, and the re-evaluations that follow, are good for the overall relationship. Extend an olive branch: Tell her you miss her. If she misses you too, you can talk and mend fences.
Letters are good if you have a lot to say/feel a phone call would be invasive. Handwriting can evoke surprisingly strong memories, and the format lets you organize your thoughts and address your thoughts without conversational tangents. Plus, she could digest your offer and private, with time to truly consider how she feels and what she wants.
posted by Ys at 8:57 AM on May 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'd second the above comment regarding organizing get-togethers on your own. Nothing you've said above suggests your friends are actively shunning you, just that they're not terribly pro-active about making plans. I know it can be frustrating to have to be the one who sends the first email or makes the first call, but if the alternative is not seeing your friends at all? Take charge of the situation yourself, and see if you can get some momentum going before the baby arrives and makes scheduling that much more difficult.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:57 AM on May 23, 2010
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:57 AM on May 23, 2010
Do these lost friends ever return or should I assume that Jane is now just an acquaintance?
Do you really want these "friends" to return?
Do you have any advice on how to get over the loss of a close friendship and no longer being a part of a circle of friends?
It's going to take time. It's going to sting for a long while and will rear its ugly head when you least expect it.
The best thing to do is to mourn the lost friendships and go ahead and forge new ones. You are in a great spot to do this - there are so many "mommy groups" out there of new and expecting mothers that are so excited about their new wee ones. Join a group. Also, keep up your regular hobbies and start new hobbies - take that pottery class or the creative writing workshop, etc.
Have any of you felt guilty for being pregnant?
I have a family member who's been trying for a loooong time to have a baby and has been through at least two miscarriages. I also have a sister who cannot have children. I feel guilty for having THREE children. I felt guilty because getting pregnant was easy for me. I feel badly that she's struggling. But we all have our struggles - some of them seem bigger than others. Struggles, nonetheless. But feeling guilty takes my attention away from my little family - and that's what's most important to me. I can have a heavy heart for those people that struggle but I refuse to allow that to diminish the excitement and wonder of having my own little family. My family deserves better. I can still be careful around people who struggle to have a family, but I'm not going to let it stop me from being the best for my family.
posted by Sassyfras at 9:01 AM on May 23, 2010 [3 favorites]
Do you really want these "friends" to return?
Do you have any advice on how to get over the loss of a close friendship and no longer being a part of a circle of friends?
It's going to take time. It's going to sting for a long while and will rear its ugly head when you least expect it.
The best thing to do is to mourn the lost friendships and go ahead and forge new ones. You are in a great spot to do this - there are so many "mommy groups" out there of new and expecting mothers that are so excited about their new wee ones. Join a group. Also, keep up your regular hobbies and start new hobbies - take that pottery class or the creative writing workshop, etc.
Have any of you felt guilty for being pregnant?
I have a family member who's been trying for a loooong time to have a baby and has been through at least two miscarriages. I also have a sister who cannot have children. I feel guilty for having THREE children. I felt guilty because getting pregnant was easy for me. I feel badly that she's struggling. But we all have our struggles - some of them seem bigger than others. Struggles, nonetheless. But feeling guilty takes my attention away from my little family - and that's what's most important to me. I can have a heavy heart for those people that struggle but I refuse to allow that to diminish the excitement and wonder of having my own little family. My family deserves better. I can still be careful around people who struggle to have a family, but I'm not going to let it stop me from being the best for my family.
posted by Sassyfras at 9:01 AM on May 23, 2010 [3 favorites]
I remember visiting the first of my friends to have kids, and them saying how no one ever came to visit any more. But then, as soon as other people started having kids, whammo! They were the center of the social universe because now they all had the new kid thing in common.
Being the first with kids does seem like it cuts you off a bit, but you don't have to sit back and take it. The kid isn't even out yet, so get out and see everyone while you're still unencumbered by a stroller and diaper bag. There are movies to see, restaurants to visit... invite everyone, even Jane, and leave it to her to accept or decline as she wishes.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 9:28 AM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Being the first with kids does seem like it cuts you off a bit, but you don't have to sit back and take it. The kid isn't even out yet, so get out and see everyone while you're still unencumbered by a stroller and diaper bag. There are movies to see, restaurants to visit... invite everyone, even Jane, and leave it to her to accept or decline as she wishes.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 9:28 AM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
1) I've been on both sides.
When my husband and I were first trying to conceive and having a hard time a friend became pregnant 'accidentally'. Of course when I found out I went home and cried and yelled a little to my husband, but I treated her just like I always did. I didn't organize her baby shower, but I did attend. I realized that even though she may have had an easier time getting pregnant than I did it didn't mean that she did it just to spite me. If I had a problem with it then I was the one who was being stupid. After all, a new baby coming into a loving family is always a good thing.
On the other side: I had a dear friend who found out she was pregnant with a much wanted baby and then had a miscarriage. A few months later I found out I was pregnant. I went to my friend and told her in person before she could hear from anyone else, and asked her how she was feeling. She was completely supportive but admitted that it was hard for her. I avoided talking about the pregnancy with her unless she brought it up, but she was still very friendly with me. A few months later she actually found out she was pregnant again and then moved away, but we were on good terms until the move.
I understand that it was hard for your friend to see you get what she wanted so very badly, but I think it was really harsh for her to just cut you out of her life. Is it possible that she was pregnant herself when you announced and that's why she was so excited to talk about baby stuff, and then had a miscarriage? If that was the case it would explain why she turned around so quickly. Something that devastating could really change a person's mind.
I had friends come and go. Just like when you graduate from High School or get married, friends won't always stay. When your interests and priorities change so will the people who shared them. I've reconnected with people after they also settled down, but some people have just dropped out of my life completely.
2) Being dumped sucks. Especially when you are about to be a new mom and want your friends around. Jane acted and treated you badly. I'm sorry. Try to look at the bright side, like above posters have said there are lots of Mommy and Me groups to join. Story time at the library, classes, even just talking to other moms at the park. When you make new friends relish the thought that they know exactly where you're coming from and they won't judge you for wearing a shirt with spit up on the shoulder.
If you want to try to reconnect with your old friends I would wait until you've had the baby and can leave him/her with a sitter. Then invite your friends for a Girl's Night and try not to talk about the baby or your post baby body. I'm afraid that would be the only way to salvage the friendship with Jane. It's shallow and pathetic, but it might work. Honestly though if they'll drop you just for moving forward in a way that they can't I don't know why you would consider them friends at all.
3) A wanted baby coming into a loving home is always a good thing. Do not feel guilty for being pregnant. I know you are in a tough place right now with the hormones flying and your friends MIA, but you will soon have your little baby to consume all your time and energy. Try to rest and get ready for the good things to come.
posted by TooFewShoes at 9:34 AM on May 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
When my husband and I were first trying to conceive and having a hard time a friend became pregnant 'accidentally'. Of course when I found out I went home and cried and yelled a little to my husband, but I treated her just like I always did. I didn't organize her baby shower, but I did attend. I realized that even though she may have had an easier time getting pregnant than I did it didn't mean that she did it just to spite me. If I had a problem with it then I was the one who was being stupid. After all, a new baby coming into a loving family is always a good thing.
On the other side: I had a dear friend who found out she was pregnant with a much wanted baby and then had a miscarriage. A few months later I found out I was pregnant. I went to my friend and told her in person before she could hear from anyone else, and asked her how she was feeling. She was completely supportive but admitted that it was hard for her. I avoided talking about the pregnancy with her unless she brought it up, but she was still very friendly with me. A few months later she actually found out she was pregnant again and then moved away, but we were on good terms until the move.
I understand that it was hard for your friend to see you get what she wanted so very badly, but I think it was really harsh for her to just cut you out of her life. Is it possible that she was pregnant herself when you announced and that's why she was so excited to talk about baby stuff, and then had a miscarriage? If that was the case it would explain why she turned around so quickly. Something that devastating could really change a person's mind.
I had friends come and go. Just like when you graduate from High School or get married, friends won't always stay. When your interests and priorities change so will the people who shared them. I've reconnected with people after they also settled down, but some people have just dropped out of my life completely.
2) Being dumped sucks. Especially when you are about to be a new mom and want your friends around. Jane acted and treated you badly. I'm sorry. Try to look at the bright side, like above posters have said there are lots of Mommy and Me groups to join. Story time at the library, classes, even just talking to other moms at the park. When you make new friends relish the thought that they know exactly where you're coming from and they won't judge you for wearing a shirt with spit up on the shoulder.
If you want to try to reconnect with your old friends I would wait until you've had the baby and can leave him/her with a sitter. Then invite your friends for a Girl's Night and try not to talk about the baby or your post baby body. I'm afraid that would be the only way to salvage the friendship with Jane. It's shallow and pathetic, but it might work. Honestly though if they'll drop you just for moving forward in a way that they can't I don't know why you would consider them friends at all.
3) A wanted baby coming into a loving home is always a good thing. Do not feel guilty for being pregnant. I know you are in a tough place right now with the hormones flying and your friends MIA, but you will soon have your little baby to consume all your time and energy. Try to rest and get ready for the good things to come.
posted by TooFewShoes at 9:34 AM on May 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
I feel like I'm stuck in a rut of focusing on the friendships lost instead of all of the excitement to come.
One of the things I most remember about when my first child was born (many years ago) was realizing how abstract the whole thing was until his actual arrival. You won't have trouble focusing on how your baby's breath smells, how her voice sounds, and the expressions on her face. All very concrete and more engaging than "mean girls". So hang in... much much better days are ahead of you.
posted by Breav at 9:34 AM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
One of the things I most remember about when my first child was born (many years ago) was realizing how abstract the whole thing was until his actual arrival. You won't have trouble focusing on how your baby's breath smells, how her voice sounds, and the expressions on her face. All very concrete and more engaging than "mean girls". So hang in... much much better days are ahead of you.
posted by Breav at 9:34 AM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Have you tried keeping up with her via email? Maybe she was having a particularly bad moment when she sent the email and now is feeling bad about it.
posted by gjc at 9:44 AM on May 23, 2010
posted by gjc at 9:44 AM on May 23, 2010
As someone who has been known to be a bit passive in arranging get-togethers, I know I've occasionally come off to others as disinterested. If pro-active organizer Jane is no longer including you in invites with the others and they are passive like you, they may assume that you're busy with preparing for the birth, or that you don't feel well, or any number of things. I don't know that I'd consider these to be "lost" friendships without first reaching out to the others in your old circle and trying to arrange some one-on-one opportunities to catch up. A quick "Hey, I miss you! Let's have lunch soon!" e-mail is a low pressure way to reach out and gauge mutual interest.
Jane may never come back. I've never known the pain of fertility issues, so as much as I want to say that she's handling this poorly, it's impossible to know if I'd be able to do any better. But you shouldn't feel guilty about being pregnant. You're not doing anything to Jane. It's really a shame that she's so overwhelmed with her sadness that she is letting it affect your friendship, but your feeling guilty doesn't lessen what pain she may feel, and it's only harmful to you. You're entitled to all the joy that this time of your life offers. Please don't accept guilt for something you have no control over.
posted by contrariwise at 10:00 AM on May 23, 2010
Jane may never come back. I've never known the pain of fertility issues, so as much as I want to say that she's handling this poorly, it's impossible to know if I'd be able to do any better. But you shouldn't feel guilty about being pregnant. You're not doing anything to Jane. It's really a shame that she's so overwhelmed with her sadness that she is letting it affect your friendship, but your feeling guilty doesn't lessen what pain she may feel, and it's only harmful to you. You're entitled to all the joy that this time of your life offers. Please don't accept guilt for something you have no control over.
posted by contrariwise at 10:00 AM on May 23, 2010
You'll make new friends that have similar interests soon. Mothers practically belong to a cult and lots of new moms make new friends with other new moms, who will ultimately be more helpful to you.
You haven't done anything wrong, btw. It's just natural that a lot of childless friends drop friendships with new mothers. I've done this, not because I wanted kids and was jealous, but just because people with families have more important priorities and I wanted a life without those kinds of priorities and to pretty much remain free of them.
Friendships change. It's all part of life. Don't let it keep you from allowing new friends to come into your life. It doesn't matter how long you've been friends, the quality of the friendship matters more.
posted by anniecat at 10:02 AM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
You haven't done anything wrong, btw. It's just natural that a lot of childless friends drop friendships with new mothers. I've done this, not because I wanted kids and was jealous, but just because people with families have more important priorities and I wanted a life without those kinds of priorities and to pretty much remain free of them.
Friendships change. It's all part of life. Don't let it keep you from allowing new friends to come into your life. It doesn't matter how long you've been friends, the quality of the friendship matters more.
posted by anniecat at 10:02 AM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you're anywhere near Boston, I'd be your friend! Anywhere else, too, but not so much in person.
I haven't had anyone just up and dump me for being pregnant, but I haven't seen a good chunk of people more than once or twice since late in my pregnancy with my firstborn who is now 16 months. Most of my social circle are late 20's/ early 30's, single, dating, or just marrieds, and a lot of them don't want children or at least don't want them for several more years. I swore I'd never become that person who only talks about pregnancy or their kid, but because I got laid off and stay home now, that's become my life and I feel I've become far too boring for them. They continue to go out to bars and have fun, and I sit at home watching Yo Gabba Gabba and counting the hours until my husband comes home from work. Thank god for Facebook and Twitter so I can still have some social contact with them, but otherwise our lives are two completely different paths. So keep in mind that after the baby comes, dynamics shift and friendships can get stronger or fall by the wayside.
I am very, very lucky in that when I got pregnant, soon afterwards another couple in my social circle did, and they live near us. After the babies came, I met another of their mutual friends and we've been able to hang out with the babies a good amount and talk about kids, but the conversations aren't mundane and g rated.
They also met a lot of people through a mom's group, but I never went. I don't know why I didn't. If you have an OBGYN and a hospital picked out already, which I'm sure you do, they might have a mom's group that's affiliated. Pipe up and ask, for sure!
And on the guilt thing: With both pregnancies (I'm 9 weeks with #2) I've known other people trying to conceive and I've felt a little guilty. With the first, that person ended up getting pregnant as well, so happy ending. The second one is a person whom I started keeping at arm's length far before my pregnancy due to her meanness and passive aggressiveness and I'm sure she hates me for being pregnant, but there's only so much I can do.
posted by kpht at 10:04 AM on May 23, 2010
I haven't had anyone just up and dump me for being pregnant, but I haven't seen a good chunk of people more than once or twice since late in my pregnancy with my firstborn who is now 16 months. Most of my social circle are late 20's/ early 30's, single, dating, or just marrieds, and a lot of them don't want children or at least don't want them for several more years. I swore I'd never become that person who only talks about pregnancy or their kid, but because I got laid off and stay home now, that's become my life and I feel I've become far too boring for them. They continue to go out to bars and have fun, and I sit at home watching Yo Gabba Gabba and counting the hours until my husband comes home from work. Thank god for Facebook and Twitter so I can still have some social contact with them, but otherwise our lives are two completely different paths. So keep in mind that after the baby comes, dynamics shift and friendships can get stronger or fall by the wayside.
I am very, very lucky in that when I got pregnant, soon afterwards another couple in my social circle did, and they live near us. After the babies came, I met another of their mutual friends and we've been able to hang out with the babies a good amount and talk about kids, but the conversations aren't mundane and g rated.
They also met a lot of people through a mom's group, but I never went. I don't know why I didn't. If you have an OBGYN and a hospital picked out already, which I'm sure you do, they might have a mom's group that's affiliated. Pipe up and ask, for sure!
And on the guilt thing: With both pregnancies (I'm 9 weeks with #2) I've known other people trying to conceive and I've felt a little guilty. With the first, that person ended up getting pregnant as well, so happy ending. The second one is a person whom I started keeping at arm's length far before my pregnancy due to her meanness and passive aggressiveness and I'm sure she hates me for being pregnant, but there's only so much I can do.
posted by kpht at 10:04 AM on May 23, 2010
she's so overwhelmed with her sadness that she is letting it affect your friendship
I don't think it's fair to put the responsibility on Jane. She's probably not in control of her sadness and so she understandably can't be around. I wouldn't blame her at all. I think the OP should be more understanding about how depression affects people and not let her friend's behavior control her own feelings.
posted by anniecat at 10:04 AM on May 23, 2010
I don't think it's fair to put the responsibility on Jane. She's probably not in control of her sadness and so she understandably can't be around. I wouldn't blame her at all. I think the OP should be more understanding about how depression affects people and not let her friend's behavior control her own feelings.
posted by anniecat at 10:04 AM on May 23, 2010
I've witnessed this from the sidelines a few times. Someone actually asked me once how someone (we both knew) who "..doesn't deserve it at all" got pregnant so easily when she, herself, couldn't get pregnant..?
This completely pissed me off: Life isn't fair.
Most people would be able to come outside of themselves enough to actually, authentically enjoy another person's happiness without so much as a pout - if they were really your friend (that is, truly concerned about you at all).
She was at least perfectly honest about it. She will also find herself fairly alone in the world once most of the people around her have kids.
She did you a favor.
posted by marimeko at 10:25 AM on May 23, 2010
This completely pissed me off: Life isn't fair.
Most people would be able to come outside of themselves enough to actually, authentically enjoy another person's happiness without so much as a pout - if they were really your friend (that is, truly concerned about you at all).
She was at least perfectly honest about it. She will also find herself fairly alone in the world once most of the people around her have kids.
She did you a favor.
posted by marimeko at 10:25 AM on May 23, 2010
Marimeko, really? I would actually be shocked if most women actively dealing with infertility could "authentically enjoy another person's happiness without so much as a pout." The reaction Jane is having is increadibly common. It may not be admirable, but it is pretty standard.
I don't see the need to be vindictive about someone processing an experience you apparently cannot understand.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:56 AM on May 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
I don't see the need to be vindictive about someone processing an experience you apparently cannot understand.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:56 AM on May 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
I can understand. I had a miscarriage at five months while in my early twenties. Yet I still somehow felt genuinely happy for and supportive towards those friends and family members who were either pregnant or new mothers at the time. I was able to do this because I cared about these people, and because I realized that another person's ability to have a child has nothing to do with me.
My answer was meant to help the OP understand that she has nothing to feel "guilty" about.
posted by marimeko at 12:42 PM on May 23, 2010
My answer was meant to help the OP understand that she has nothing to feel "guilty" about.
posted by marimeko at 12:42 PM on May 23, 2010
May I just say that I think this is no great loss? Jane sounds like the type who, if she did fall pregnant, would make motherhood a competition.
Your child gets a first tooth before Jane's child does? She'd pout then, no doubt. Your child toilet-trains more easily or earlier than hers? Jane would probably pout then too (and tell your mutual friends that you're lying, her child can't possibly not be the most-advanced). Your child gets an award at school and Jane's doesn't? I guess she'd stop talking to you then, too.
And I'm inclined to think that the rest of them aren't worth much either, if not one of them is making the effort to keep you involved in the group. What the hell are they gonna do if they go to a restaurant and the waitress is visibly pregnant? Slap her on Jane's behalf???
I think Jane is being selfish and childish, and you're better off without her or any fair-weather friends that follow her. Cutting 'friends' like her out of your life gives you more opportunity to accept a true friend, I reckon.
Hey, congratulations! Best wishes for an easy birth and a smooth transition to motherhood. :)
posted by malibustacey9999 at 3:22 PM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your child gets a first tooth before Jane's child does? She'd pout then, no doubt. Your child toilet-trains more easily or earlier than hers? Jane would probably pout then too (and tell your mutual friends that you're lying, her child can't possibly not be the most-advanced). Your child gets an award at school and Jane's doesn't? I guess she'd stop talking to you then, too.
And I'm inclined to think that the rest of them aren't worth much either, if not one of them is making the effort to keep you involved in the group. What the hell are they gonna do if they go to a restaurant and the waitress is visibly pregnant? Slap her on Jane's behalf???
I think Jane is being selfish and childish, and you're better off without her or any fair-weather friends that follow her. Cutting 'friends' like her out of your life gives you more opportunity to accept a true friend, I reckon.
Hey, congratulations! Best wishes for an easy birth and a smooth transition to motherhood. :)
posted by malibustacey9999 at 3:22 PM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't see the need to be vindictive about someone processing an experience you apparently cannot understand.
I think we can all understand the experience of someone else getting something we desperately want. It hurts. But it's also a test of character whether you can see past the sadness to the fact that the other person has done nothing wrong, and is your friend for a lot of reasons that haven't just gone away.
I think Jane is wrong to treat you like this, and I think she should still include you in get-togethers. That said, you can't make her and neither can I. So you should reach out to the other members of this circle -- maybe not as a group, but one-on-one -- and suggest getting together. If they ignore you, or if your suggestions are invariably rejected, you'll know that it goes beyond the fact that Jane has been the default organizer, and it's time to try to process your own pain at losing these friends (or the idea of them as friends, anyway).
I think it's a little dismaying, by the way, to suggest that mommies should just be friends with mommies, and if their old friends dump them because they're now uninterested in their lives, that's just to be expected. That hasn't happened to me at all, and I'd be terribly sad if my loved and loving friends didn't want to be friends anymore because I have kids now.
posted by palliser at 4:56 PM on May 23, 2010
I think we can all understand the experience of someone else getting something we desperately want. It hurts. But it's also a test of character whether you can see past the sadness to the fact that the other person has done nothing wrong, and is your friend for a lot of reasons that haven't just gone away.
I think Jane is wrong to treat you like this, and I think she should still include you in get-togethers. That said, you can't make her and neither can I. So you should reach out to the other members of this circle -- maybe not as a group, but one-on-one -- and suggest getting together. If they ignore you, or if your suggestions are invariably rejected, you'll know that it goes beyond the fact that Jane has been the default organizer, and it's time to try to process your own pain at losing these friends (or the idea of them as friends, anyway).
I think it's a little dismaying, by the way, to suggest that mommies should just be friends with mommies, and if their old friends dump them because they're now uninterested in their lives, that's just to be expected. That hasn't happened to me at all, and I'd be terribly sad if my loved and loving friends didn't want to be friends anymore because I have kids now.
posted by palliser at 4:56 PM on May 23, 2010
Just to be clear, I didn't mean to suggest that mommies can or should only be friends with mommies. I simply meant (and think I said) that becoming a mother gives you access to a whole new group of people via activities designed for parents and new mothers that can bring you new circles of friends.
FWIW I love my friends with babies; I'll be the first to buy you pregnancy books and baby booties, and if more of my Irish friends would let me throw baby showers, I'd happily make diaper cakes every single week.
But it took me a long time to get there. There was a period of about three years when I was doing the difficult work of coming to terms with being childless when it was just too painful to be around my pregnant girlfriends and later, their infants. I'm not ashamed of that; it was a necessary part of the journey for me, and after talking with many women on infertility support communities, I know it's very, very common.
So yeah, I both feel for Anon and get where Jane is coming from. I do not, however, get what's going on with their broader social circle. I can only guess that either Anon is the first to have a baby in that group and they are just clueless and without rallying skills yet, or that Jane has poisoned that well somehow (which would clearly be awful.)
My hope is that Anon can make the effort to reclaim some of her old friends and that her new baby helps her make some new ones, and that Jane can get to a place where she's able to reach out and make repairs with Anon.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:59 PM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
FWIW I love my friends with babies; I'll be the first to buy you pregnancy books and baby booties, and if more of my Irish friends would let me throw baby showers, I'd happily make diaper cakes every single week.
But it took me a long time to get there. There was a period of about three years when I was doing the difficult work of coming to terms with being childless when it was just too painful to be around my pregnant girlfriends and later, their infants. I'm not ashamed of that; it was a necessary part of the journey for me, and after talking with many women on infertility support communities, I know it's very, very common.
So yeah, I both feel for Anon and get where Jane is coming from. I do not, however, get what's going on with their broader social circle. I can only guess that either Anon is the first to have a baby in that group and they are just clueless and without rallying skills yet, or that Jane has poisoned that well somehow (which would clearly be awful.)
My hope is that Anon can make the effort to reclaim some of her old friends and that her new baby helps her make some new ones, and that Jane can get to a place where she's able to reach out and make repairs with Anon.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:59 PM on May 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
May I add that the option of adoption is there for any mentally healthy, responsible person who can not have children. To bother giving up hope, or cut other people out of one's life out of (let's face it) sheer jealously, or make someone feel like shit for being pregnant (where did the old adage go: always be nice to a pregnant woman..??) is not only cruel and shortsighted - but no compliment to whatever relationship you had with the woman before her offending pregnancy.
Women do not get pregnant to make other women upset.
Anyone who takes it personally is better off gone.
posted by marimeko at 6:33 PM on May 23, 2010
Women do not get pregnant to make other women upset.
Anyone who takes it personally is better off gone.
posted by marimeko at 6:33 PM on May 23, 2010
I was dumped by a very close friend early in my pregnancy, mostly due to her baby jealousy (though there were other factors). It sucked. I was very hurt and angry with her for being so selfish. But then, I don't know what it's like to try to conceive and be unsuccessful. I don't really know what was going on with my friend at the time. We've since seen each other at social gatherings and have been civil, but we won't ever be friends again, and that's OK.
Honestly, you'll probably lose touch with a lot of your childless friends after your baby is born. You'll be more busy with your newborn than you even realize. After my son was born, I had a few friends visit me and offer to help out, and that was when I realized that those people were really my friends. Many of these other people in your social circle won't reach out to you, because they don't know what being a new mom is like, or they just don't know how to continue their friendship with you. There will be people in your life who do call you up or who still respond when you call them. Those are the people you want to hang on to.
I know it's hard to lose friendships, but sometimes it is for the best. Once your new baby is here, you'll be so wrapped up in your new little family that the lost friendships will seem less important.
posted by lexicakes at 8:49 PM on May 23, 2010
Honestly, you'll probably lose touch with a lot of your childless friends after your baby is born. You'll be more busy with your newborn than you even realize. After my son was born, I had a few friends visit me and offer to help out, and that was when I realized that those people were really my friends. Many of these other people in your social circle won't reach out to you, because they don't know what being a new mom is like, or they just don't know how to continue their friendship with you. There will be people in your life who do call you up or who still respond when you call them. Those are the people you want to hang on to.
I know it's hard to lose friendships, but sometimes it is for the best. Once your new baby is here, you'll be so wrapped up in your new little family that the lost friendships will seem less important.
posted by lexicakes at 8:49 PM on May 23, 2010
Jane's the one with issues. Hook up with your friends directly rather than through her. It's up to her if she comes or not.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 2:38 AM on May 24, 2010
posted by obiwanwasabi at 2:38 AM on May 24, 2010
May I add that the option of adoption is there for any mentally healthy, responsible person who can not have children.
Respectfully, "why don't you just adopt," under any guise, is not a particularly kind thing to say to someone struggling with infertility. Other folks have summarized the reasons better than I can, but to judge Jane for not adopting as if it was the easy way out of her dilemma is perhaps less than productive.
Jane's coping badly whether or not anyone else likes it or thinks she's right to do so, and the OP needs to reach out to her friends and deny Jane the gatekeeper role.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 2:09 PM on May 24, 2010
Respectfully, "why don't you just adopt," under any guise, is not a particularly kind thing to say to someone struggling with infertility. Other folks have summarized the reasons better than I can, but to judge Jane for not adopting as if it was the easy way out of her dilemma is perhaps less than productive.
Jane's coping badly whether or not anyone else likes it or thinks she's right to do so, and the OP needs to reach out to her friends and deny Jane the gatekeeper role.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 2:09 PM on May 24, 2010
Mod note: From the OP:
Thanks to everyone for all of the great advice!posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:54 AM on May 25, 2010
I checked with another friend in the social circle, Jill, and it turns out that no one knew that I was no longer being invited to anything. Jane uses a group email address that doesn't show who is invited and had been telling people that I was busy with baby preparations. It never occurred to Jill that Jane had stopped inviting me. She was pretty angry at Jane once she realized what was going on.
Based on everyone's advice, I sent out an invitation to get together this week and everyone seems really excited to see me again. I invited Jane as well but don't expect to hear back from her. I hope that inviting her will avoid creating drama, which I hate.
To answer Ys's question, after reflecting a bit I've realized that Jane does have a history of dropping people and diving headfirst into new projects that she then drops. I've always looked past this and tried to be understanding but it's pretty clear now that these were major red flags.
I'm looking forward to reconnecting with the old social circle and to meeting other moms once the baby arrives. It's very comforting to know that I'm not the only one who has experienced the loss of a friend with pregnancy.
This thread is closed to new comments.
But honey, you've broken up with Jane, not with Jane and every mutual friend. This isn't 2nd grade; from your narrative, nobody has been asked to choose sides and there's been no enormous drama here. Jane is simply continuing to arrange activities with people she is comfortable spending time with. The only difference is that through no fault of your own, you are now not one of them.
Nothing I can see is stopping you from organising your own activities. If you want to see this group of woman, invite them to something. I realise the timing just now may be less than optimal, but that doesn't change the fact they'd probably be happy to come.
The other thing to keep in mind is that new babies are a great way to make new friends if you want to. Playgroups, support groups, breastfeeding groups, neighbourhood groups, coffee groups - depending on where you are, there's very likely to be a whole network of new mama groups in your area you can plug into for friendship and support. Everyone is similarly overwhelmed and isolated, so those tend to be very quick-forming friendships.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:51 AM on May 23, 2010 [8 favorites]