Reconciling my submissive feelings
May 21, 2010 2:11 PM Subscribe
I am looking for advice about or stories of coming to terms with submissive feelings in bed. I'm a lady in my mid 20s and I like dudes.
I've seen a few questions like this one
and this one
, from the perspective of guys who want to be more dominant with their girls, but are finding it hard to get in the head-space. I'm interested in the opposite angle.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (35 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
Ever since I was a kid I've been turned on by D/s, bondage, humiliation type fantasies. When I discovered internet porn I went right to stories and photos and videos of this kind of stuff.
That's always stayed in the realm of masturbation-fantasy, and I've been OK with that. I've had boyfriends and sexual relationships that were all pretty "vanilla." That sex has all been very satisfying to me and to the guys I've been with (as far as I know)!
Now I'm having sex with J. He's got a natural dominant streak in bed and I totally. dig it. We like to wrestle and struggle with each other, and he pulls my hair and pushes me around to how he likes and spanks and all that kind of rough-and-tumble stuff. Thinking about it gets me majorly turned on and I am game for it when we are together.
However: sometimes when we are going at it, I get flashes of.. a guilty conscience? Betraying my feminist ideals? Not totally trusting the feeling of "it's OK that I want this"? It's hard to explain. Needless to say, those momentary feelings are a downer during sexy times. I want to keep things moving, I want him to keep "doing what he wants with me," I want it to keep being rough and struggle-y. But I still get doubts that this is "OK" to do.
If anyone has advice on letting go, being in the sexy moment, etc., I would love to hear it! Especially if you like this kind of thing in bed and maybe had a hard time coming to terms with it, in the past, I'd like to hear your story. I imagine I am experiencing very common feelings.
If you want, you can email me privately at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Some more background info: J and I have been "casually dating" for a few weeks, so it's not a long term relationship. By which I mean, I understand that a lot of what I'm looking for comes with having more and more trust in your partner which takes time. I think adequate progress is being made in that direction: I've talked to him about what he does that makes me feel unsure, and why, and this has helped already.
Also, I'm familiar with sex-positive feminism and sex-radical feminists, and I think all that is great! I just wish I could put it more into practice.