Is there a good way to say this?
May 21, 2010 10:31 AM Subscribe
Is there any good way to say "hey, I'm figuring you're not interested in me (romantically) and I'm a little bummed about that" that's appropriate and not icky or passive-aggressive? Note: "No" is an acceptable answer, if that's the truth.
After a few attempted dating mishaps, a friend gave me advice about dating and interest: at the beginning, if it's not seeming easy and the woman doesn't seem to be jumping at the chance to spend time with you (responding quickly to texts/emails and so forth), just figure she's not interested in more than friendship.
I've decided to follow this because I recently had a drawn-out experience where someone I was attracted to kept accepting my invitations but not really initiating any or being that fast and responsive, and then kinda flaked out eventually. I kept hope alive a bit too long because she *was* accepting my invitations. I want to avoid that again.
But I guess I wish I could get some kind of closure or confirmation before giving up.
Background: I'm kinda slow at this stuff and not terribly physically demonstrative (I'm working on it...), and I, like the people I date or hope to date, am a woman.
After a few attempted dating mishaps, a friend gave me advice about dating and interest: at the beginning, if it's not seeming easy and the woman doesn't seem to be jumping at the chance to spend time with you (responding quickly to texts/emails and so forth), just figure she's not interested in more than friendship.
I've decided to follow this because I recently had a drawn-out experience where someone I was attracted to kept accepting my invitations but not really initiating any or being that fast and responsive, and then kinda flaked out eventually. I kept hope alive a bit too long because she *was* accepting my invitations. I want to avoid that again.
But I guess I wish I could get some kind of closure or confirmation before giving up.
Background: I'm kinda slow at this stuff and not terribly physically demonstrative (I'm working on it...), and I, like the people I date or hope to date, am a woman.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
But I guess I wish I could get some kind of closure or confirmation before giving up.
This is a fool's game. I've never done anything in the romantic arena for the sake of "closure" and not come out of it feeling either the same or worse. You won't find real closure until you move on.
posted by almostmanda at 10:36 AM on May 21, 2010 [9 favorites]
This is a fool's game. I've never done anything in the romantic arena for the sake of "closure" and not come out of it feeling either the same or worse. You won't find real closure until you move on.
posted by almostmanda at 10:36 AM on May 21, 2010 [9 favorites]
But I guess I wish I could get some kind of closure or confirmation before giving up.
Closure isn't something someone else gives you; it's not even really their responsibility most times. It comes from you.
posted by scody at 10:39 AM on May 21, 2010 [10 favorites]
Closure isn't something someone else gives you; it's not even really their responsibility most times. It comes from you.
posted by scody at 10:39 AM on May 21, 2010 [10 favorites]
I think the OP means mainly confirmation (not so much closure as most people think of it).
posted by amtho at 10:42 AM on May 21, 2010
posted by amtho at 10:42 AM on May 21, 2010
Response by poster: So rather than closure, let's leave it at just "confirmation," if that changes anything. I guess I just feel like it would be sad if I figured wrong.
posted by clever anonymous username at 10:44 AM on May 21, 2010
posted by clever anonymous username at 10:44 AM on May 21, 2010
Best answer: That is just about the worst possible way you could phrase something like this.
If you've misread their signals and they are interested, well, they probably won't be anymore. And if if they really aren't interested, then, yeah, that's passive-aggressive ick.
If you really can't tell if someone is interested in you romantically, send stronger signals of your own and see how they respond. As a very last resort, you can ask directly -- but phrase it as a positive "I like you", not as a morose "I guess you don't like me" negative.
posted by ook at 10:44 AM on May 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
If you've misread their signals and they are interested, well, they probably won't be anymore. And if if they really aren't interested, then, yeah, that's passive-aggressive ick.
If you really can't tell if someone is interested in you romantically, send stronger signals of your own and see how they respond. As a very last resort, you can ask directly -- but phrase it as a positive "I like you", not as a morose "I guess you don't like me" negative.
posted by ook at 10:44 AM on May 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
You can always ask point blank: "I'm digging on you. Any chance it's mutual?"
...but I've rarely seen that work out well, so I'm not sure I'd advise it.
The best thing to do is just keep doing your own thing, occasionally inviting the object of your interest but otherwise making sure to have fun on your own. Make sure it's sometimes a group thing and not always one on one.
If she has interest but for some reason was just slow on the uptake, seeing you having a good time without any pressure on her will go a lot further than repeated invites and follow-ups that might make her feel inundated.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck!
posted by batmonkey at 10:46 AM on May 21, 2010
...but I've rarely seen that work out well, so I'm not sure I'd advise it.
The best thing to do is just keep doing your own thing, occasionally inviting the object of your interest but otherwise making sure to have fun on your own. Make sure it's sometimes a group thing and not always one on one.
If she has interest but for some reason was just slow on the uptake, seeing you having a good time without any pressure on her will go a lot further than repeated invites and follow-ups that might make her feel inundated.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck!
posted by batmonkey at 10:46 AM on May 21, 2010
Looking for closure or confirmation isn't realistic. In fact, it'll show pretty clearly that you don't know what you're doing, romantically. Worse, word may get around. I've heard stories about the clueless guys my female friends have gone on dates with. I met one of the guys years later without realizing who he was. When I put two and two together, I got a good laugh out of it (oh my god! He's the moron so and so went out a few times with!!!).
Don't look for closure or confirmation. You'll just risk embarrassing yourself, probably without even knowing it. Instead, you're just going to have to learn to figure out if someone is interested - and you will. It just takes time and experience. Whatever you do, don't be desperate. Women can spot that from ten miles away.
Best of luck!
posted by 2oh1 at 10:47 AM on May 21, 2010
Don't look for closure or confirmation. You'll just risk embarrassing yourself, probably without even knowing it. Instead, you're just going to have to learn to figure out if someone is interested - and you will. It just takes time and experience. Whatever you do, don't be desperate. Women can spot that from ten miles away.
Best of luck!
posted by 2oh1 at 10:47 AM on May 21, 2010
One sure fire way to find out if someone is interested is to take a risk and kiss her. If she's not interested.... oh, you'll know.
I don't recommend you do that on a first date though.
posted by 2oh1 at 10:49 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't recommend you do that on a first date though.
posted by 2oh1 at 10:49 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Agree with ook. Don't do that. It's Eeyorish and a total turnoff. If you really don't know, ask. "Hey, I really like hanging out with you, but I'm not sure if it's mutual."
posted by ottereroticist at 10:50 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by ottereroticist at 10:50 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
So rather than closure, let's leave it at just "confirmation," if that changes anything. I guess I just feel like it would be sad if I figured wrong.
I don't think it changes my answer. Trust your gut. You sent out appropriately loud signals, and they weren't returned. For 95% of situations, this should give you your answer; the need for confirmation (at least, in my personal experience) is more about hope and hearing-only-what-I-want-to-hear than actual confusion.
posted by almostmanda at 10:52 AM on May 21, 2010
I don't think it changes my answer. Trust your gut. You sent out appropriately loud signals, and they weren't returned. For 95% of situations, this should give you your answer; the need for confirmation (at least, in my personal experience) is more about hope and hearing-only-what-I-want-to-hear than actual confusion.
posted by almostmanda at 10:52 AM on May 21, 2010
A bi friend of mine once had a button that read, "So many lesbians, so little nerve."
In my experience dating women, if a woman likes you "that way," then she will let you kiss her. And if she does not let you kiss her, she is not into you. (Or already has someone else to kiss.)
If she never calls you, but always waits for you to call, that's a pretty good sign, too. Stop calling and see if she calls. If not, it's not happening.
The fact is, if someone's not into you, you already know it. You just don't want to face it. (And by "you" I mean "me when I was dating.") Put all your nervous energy into getting out there and finding someone who wants you.
posted by musofire at 10:53 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
In my experience dating women, if a woman likes you "that way," then she will let you kiss her. And if she does not let you kiss her, she is not into you. (Or already has someone else to kiss.)
If she never calls you, but always waits for you to call, that's a pretty good sign, too. Stop calling and see if she calls. If not, it's not happening.
The fact is, if someone's not into you, you already know it. You just don't want to face it. (And by "you" I mean "me when I was dating.") Put all your nervous energy into getting out there and finding someone who wants you.
posted by musofire at 10:53 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is really common with same-sex dating because it can be difficult to tell the difference between a budding friendship and a budding romance. (Yes, it can be in heterosexual relationships as well, of course, but even more so w/same-sex.) And, in my experience, doubly so for women, who often are both waiting for the other person to make the other move.
I strongly recommend making your intentions clear as soon as you know that you'd like to change something from friendship to a romantic relationship - it's as simple as saying 'I'd like to take you on a date.' Nothing heavy, you're not declaring your undying love or anything, and it makes it easy for the other woman to say yes or 'sorry, this is a friendship thing for me'.
posted by widdershins at 10:54 AM on May 21, 2010
I strongly recommend making your intentions clear as soon as you know that you'd like to change something from friendship to a romantic relationship - it's as simple as saying 'I'd like to take you on a date.' Nothing heavy, you're not declaring your undying love or anything, and it makes it easy for the other woman to say yes or 'sorry, this is a friendship thing for me'.
posted by widdershins at 10:54 AM on May 21, 2010
This happened to me a few times when I was dating. (Straight man here, if it matters.) Woman accepts a date and then another and then another but does not seem to be growing more interested. Then I'm left wondering if I'm just wasting my time.
Well, here's the answer, and you allude to it. "I'm kinda slow at this stuff and not terribly physically demonstrative." That is the problem. If you are getting more interested but not trying to move the budding relationship forward, you are inadvertently signaling that you are happy with things the way they are.
You need to try to move forward. Kiss her. Invite her in or walk her to her door, etc. She'll let you know if she's not interested in moving forward. If she's not, there are three possibilities. One, she wants things to stay the same. If that's the case, you should let her know that you want to move forward and perhaps it's better to not see each other any more. Two, she wants things to move forward but slowly. Then it's up to you to decide if you're okay with that. Three, she wants to move forward. Yay!
Let me give you an example. There was a woman I met on an online dating site. From minute one, I was very into her and very much wanted to move forward. She was friendly and seemed to enjoy hanging with me and enthusiastically accepted a second and third date and even a sleepover (!) invitation. At the same time, she went on dates with other men and when she showed up at my apt to spend the night, she seemed to have no interest in getting physical. When that became clear, I confronted her about it. I didn't try to pressure her into anything, obviously, but I just asked her to clarify her intentions. It seemed she wanted some sort of friends but maybe a little more but maybe not but why do we have to put labels on everything yada yada yada. Eventually we realized that our wants were incompatible and she went home and I moved on to other women. Years ago, I might have just hung out in that purgatory for as long as I thought there was the tiniest bit of a chance. And I would have wasted months or even years waiting for something that was never going to happen.
So just have The Talk, early and often, if it's an issue. What are we doing here and where do you see it going?
posted by callmejay at 10:58 AM on May 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
Well, here's the answer, and you allude to it. "I'm kinda slow at this stuff and not terribly physically demonstrative." That is the problem. If you are getting more interested but not trying to move the budding relationship forward, you are inadvertently signaling that you are happy with things the way they are.
You need to try to move forward. Kiss her. Invite her in or walk her to her door, etc. She'll let you know if she's not interested in moving forward. If she's not, there are three possibilities. One, she wants things to stay the same. If that's the case, you should let her know that you want to move forward and perhaps it's better to not see each other any more. Two, she wants things to move forward but slowly. Then it's up to you to decide if you're okay with that. Three, she wants to move forward. Yay!
Let me give you an example. There was a woman I met on an online dating site. From minute one, I was very into her and very much wanted to move forward. She was friendly and seemed to enjoy hanging with me and enthusiastically accepted a second and third date and even a sleepover (!) invitation. At the same time, she went on dates with other men and when she showed up at my apt to spend the night, she seemed to have no interest in getting physical. When that became clear, I confronted her about it. I didn't try to pressure her into anything, obviously, but I just asked her to clarify her intentions. It seemed she wanted some sort of friends but maybe a little more but maybe not but why do we have to put labels on everything yada yada yada. Eventually we realized that our wants were incompatible and she went home and I moved on to other women. Years ago, I might have just hung out in that purgatory for as long as I thought there was the tiniest bit of a chance. And I would have wasted months or even years waiting for something that was never going to happen.
So just have The Talk, early and often, if it's an issue. What are we doing here and where do you see it going?
posted by callmejay at 10:58 AM on May 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
(We had kissed a few times before she came over that day, too. I realize that wasn't clear.)
posted by callmejay at 10:59 AM on May 21, 2010
posted by callmejay at 10:59 AM on May 21, 2010
You are me a year ago. Batmonkey has the right idea. If someone is being flaky when you’ve clearly expressed your interest, just drop it. If they were interested, they will feel comfortable re-initiating at their pace. One of several things is happening 1) they are legitimately busy and you pestering them will be a turn off, 2) they aren’t interested, 3) they are evaluating their level of interest and continued pestering will be a turn off. I swear this gets easier and way less fraught the more you do it. You’re not really going to understand how this looks until you have someone doing it to you from the other side and then it will become blazingly obvious why they are behaving this way. Be casual no matter what and try to learn to make that your internal state, too. That gets easier if you’re actively pursuing multiple dates, instead of zeroing in on one crush at a time.
posted by edbles at 11:02 AM on May 21, 2010
posted by edbles at 11:02 AM on May 21, 2010
Response by poster: So the advice I got was kind of apt, right? That if someone's accepting but not jumping to hang out that there's no interest? I'm not even sure if I should follow up when she dropped the ball in a texting back-and-forth over nebulous plans to spend time together.
posted by clever anonymous username at 11:07 AM on May 21, 2010
posted by clever anonymous username at 11:07 AM on May 21, 2010
I understand where you're coming from; I have a terrible time reading people when it comes to their feelings for me (or lack thereof). Partly because I tend toward the over-enthusiastic and if the other party isn't responding in kind I kinda give up.
I had a friend who over-processed everything but never asked appropriate questions or communicated her needs/feelings. She was wrong about everything around her 99% of the time because she spent so much time in her own head. The best thing you can do for yourself is assume nothing. ASK.
Something as simple as, "I'm really enjoying the time we spend together, and I'd like to do it more...What do you think?" should be a good start. If they say yes, you can always dig a bit deeper: "What I really like is the time we spend alone together (making out). What would you like to do more of?"
Good luck. AND STOP PROCESSING!
posted by kidelo at 11:08 AM on May 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
I had a friend who over-processed everything but never asked appropriate questions or communicated her needs/feelings. She was wrong about everything around her 99% of the time because she spent so much time in her own head. The best thing you can do for yourself is assume nothing. ASK.
Something as simple as, "I'm really enjoying the time we spend together, and I'd like to do it more...What do you think?" should be a good start. If they say yes, you can always dig a bit deeper: "What I really like is the time we spend alone together (making out). What would you like to do more of?"
Good luck. AND STOP PROCESSING!
posted by kidelo at 11:08 AM on May 21, 2010 [3 favorites]
someone I was attracted to kept accepting my invitations but not really initiating any or being that fast and responsive, and then kinda flaked out eventually.
In early-dating situations like this, it's not always a case of whether the other person likes you or not. Maybe she enjoys your company but isn't particularly enthusiastic. Maybe she's not sure yet, but she's sticking it out to see if something develops. Maybe she found someone else at the last minute. There are a lot of scenarios in which someone could tell you that of course they're interested, but they'll disappear the next week anyway.
You're looking for the equivalent of the "I like you. Do you like me? __Yes __No" note. Sometimes the recipient will check one of the boxes, but sometimes she'll write in "Maybe" or "??" or she'll crumple the note and kick it under the desk.
It's okay to ask a date if they're interested in continuing or taking things further, just remember that the answer may not always be definitive.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:36 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
In early-dating situations like this, it's not always a case of whether the other person likes you or not. Maybe she enjoys your company but isn't particularly enthusiastic. Maybe she's not sure yet, but she's sticking it out to see if something develops. Maybe she found someone else at the last minute. There are a lot of scenarios in which someone could tell you that of course they're interested, but they'll disappear the next week anyway.
You're looking for the equivalent of the "I like you. Do you like me? __Yes __No" note. Sometimes the recipient will check one of the boxes, but sometimes she'll write in "Maybe" or "??" or she'll crumple the note and kick it under the desk.
It's okay to ask a date if they're interested in continuing or taking things further, just remember that the answer may not always be definitive.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:36 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you really feel you need to(conversation was vague enough that she realize you wanted to make plans, whatever) you can follow up. But make it a specific date, graciously accept if she says no. Don’t interpret her saying she’s busy as an “oh she’s just busy that night” interpret it as a kind but permanent refusal. And do not contact her again unless she initiates. In the early days, flirting is like tennis. Ball’s always in the last person to be contacted’s court. When you swing out of turn you ‘re just going to hit air.
Actually setting specific dates in general is a good rule. It makes it easier for them to graciously decline and it also gives them an opportunity to suggest an alternative if they're into you. If they aren't you will hear no such suggestion.
posted by edbles at 11:37 AM on May 21, 2010
Actually setting specific dates in general is a good rule. It makes it easier for them to graciously decline and it also gives them an opportunity to suggest an alternative if they're into you. If they aren't you will hear no such suggestion.
posted by edbles at 11:37 AM on May 21, 2010
"hey, i'm getting an "i'm just not that into you vibe" - what do you think?"
"hey, would you prefer i tone down my romantic overtures or am i reading that wrong?"
i don't think there's anything in the world wrong with being direct and asking.
you can also go at it a different way and stop being nebulous in your intentions. "i would like to take you out for ________ next [whatever day], whatta ya think?"
posted by nadawi at 11:38 AM on May 21, 2010
"hey, would you prefer i tone down my romantic overtures or am i reading that wrong?"
i don't think there's anything in the world wrong with being direct and asking.
you can also go at it a different way and stop being nebulous in your intentions. "i would like to take you out for ________ next [whatever day], whatta ya think?"
posted by nadawi at 11:38 AM on May 21, 2010
Best answer: The advice is good but I'd also add that maybe you should also question how you're handling relationships in the early stages. You say "I kept hope alive a bit too long because she *was* accepting my invitations."
I'd ask - so what? If it's just that you're attracted to someone and eventually realize they're not into you then there's no real harm there, right? The problem is if you let it preclude you from going out on other dates or seeing other opportunities. If that's what's happening then the problem isn't that you're digging on someone who isn't into you, it's that you're letting your initial attraction close doors inappropriately.
When you've been out with someone socially a few times that doesn't mean you're off the market. It's okay to meet someone and be interested... and still pursue other interests till something comes of it. If you stop feeling like spending time with someone amounts to an exclusive relationship you'll stop putting so much pressure on decisively settling the interest question.
posted by phearlez at 11:43 AM on May 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'd ask - so what? If it's just that you're attracted to someone and eventually realize they're not into you then there's no real harm there, right? The problem is if you let it preclude you from going out on other dates or seeing other opportunities. If that's what's happening then the problem isn't that you're digging on someone who isn't into you, it's that you're letting your initial attraction close doors inappropriately.
When you've been out with someone socially a few times that doesn't mean you're off the market. It's okay to meet someone and be interested... and still pursue other interests till something comes of it. If you stop feeling like spending time with someone amounts to an exclusive relationship you'll stop putting so much pressure on decisively settling the interest question.
posted by phearlez at 11:43 AM on May 21, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'd ask - so what? If it's just that you're attracted to someone and eventually realize they're not into you then there's no real harm there, right? The problem is if you let it preclude you from going out on other dates or seeing other opportunities. If that's what's happening then the problem isn't that you're digging on someone who isn't into you, it's that you're letting your initial attraction close doors inappropriately.
When you've been out with someone socially a few times that doesn't mean you're off the market. It's okay to meet someone and be interested... and still pursue other interests till something comes of it. If you stop feeling like spending time with someone amounts to an exclusive relationship you'll stop putting so much pressure on decisively settling the interest question.
This.
posted by edbles at 11:45 AM on May 21, 2010
When you've been out with someone socially a few times that doesn't mean you're off the market. It's okay to meet someone and be interested... and still pursue other interests till something comes of it. If you stop feeling like spending time with someone amounts to an exclusive relationship you'll stop putting so much pressure on decisively settling the interest question.
This.
posted by edbles at 11:45 AM on May 21, 2010
Okay, so she's dropped the ball while you've been texting back and forth trying to make plans. That may well mean that she's not that interested in making plans. You should not keep chasing after her ad infinitum if you're sure she's not interested, but she does deserve a message that tells her what your interpretation is... i.e. that the reason you've stopped calling is because she didn't get back to you.
"I can tell this isn't very important to you, so let's not bother getting together" = very passive-aggressive and/or pessimistic.
"I'd love to see you for another date, but I'll let you decide if that's what you want, too. Get back to me if you're interested in making plans to get together." - says that you like her, that she's not being clear about what she wants, and that she won't be hearing from you again unless she says so.
posted by aimedwander at 12:12 PM on May 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
"I can tell this isn't very important to you, so let's not bother getting together" = very passive-aggressive and/or pessimistic.
"I'd love to see you for another date, but I'll let you decide if that's what you want, too. Get back to me if you're interested in making plans to get together." - says that you like her, that she's not being clear about what she wants, and that she won't be hearing from you again unless she says so.
posted by aimedwander at 12:12 PM on May 21, 2010 [4 favorites]
My anecdote of a possible other side of this question:
When I first started dating my current partner, I'm sure I gave out signals that I was merely enjoying his company. But it was because I was extremely gun-shy after a particularly damaging relationship AND the two crappy false starts I had since. I even disappeared for nearly two weeks (I was too sick to think about telling anyone; he sent over a mutual friend to check.) And he didn't really seem like he was all that interested in me after several enjoyable but unelectric dates, mostly because I was used to really assertive playboys and not a quiet, respectful gentleman. I dropped the ball several times, because I had my own shit going on before he came into the picture. I was really flaky and sometimes still am, but now he knows it's medically related and not him.
It wasn't until he asked for a kiss before leaving after our umpteenth date. We stood on the sidewalk for hours, eons, forever, just kissing. He's a priority now - two years plus later, we still stand out on the sidewalk for eternity.
Perhaps, because of her own issues, she may not recognize YOUR interest if you are being slower and more respectful than her most recent previous encounters.
posted by _paegan_ at 12:47 PM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
When I first started dating my current partner, I'm sure I gave out signals that I was merely enjoying his company. But it was because I was extremely gun-shy after a particularly damaging relationship AND the two crappy false starts I had since. I even disappeared for nearly two weeks (I was too sick to think about telling anyone; he sent over a mutual friend to check.) And he didn't really seem like he was all that interested in me after several enjoyable but unelectric dates, mostly because I was used to really assertive playboys and not a quiet, respectful gentleman. I dropped the ball several times, because I had my own shit going on before he came into the picture. I was really flaky and sometimes still am, but now he knows it's medically related and not him.
It wasn't until he asked for a kiss before leaving after our umpteenth date. We stood on the sidewalk for hours, eons, forever, just kissing. He's a priority now - two years plus later, we still stand out on the sidewalk for eternity.
Perhaps, because of her own issues, she may not recognize YOUR interest if you are being slower and more respectful than her most recent previous encounters.
posted by _paegan_ at 12:47 PM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]
Don't worry too much about signals and misreading thereof. What one person considers an unambiguous signal could be missed or misinterpreted. At the same time, if you're not picking up on someone's signals, you may very well not be right for each other. So the best thing might be to say something positive, confident, and unequivocal, like, "I find you very attractive/I feel very attracted to you," and see how the other person responds. That will probably be your answer.
posted by clockzero at 12:51 PM on May 21, 2010
posted by clockzero at 12:51 PM on May 21, 2010
The person is either being polite, likes you but is uncertain how to proceed, would just like to be your friend, or is on the fence. If you are totally clueless about what they are thinking then you need to make a gesture of some sort that forces them to show their hand.
So what are some good gestures? I thought of many, but I think the best would probably be giving your phone number and/or email address and saying to give a call/email anytime to plan to get together again. You'll have to plan ahead and not explicitly give it out earlier though. You should ignore that they can look it up or get it from you calling, it's the gesture of giving it out that is important and emphasizes your interest and requires the next action to be theirs.
posted by meepmeow at 12:52 PM on May 21, 2010
So what are some good gestures? I thought of many, but I think the best would probably be giving your phone number and/or email address and saying to give a call/email anytime to plan to get together again. You'll have to plan ahead and not explicitly give it out earlier though. You should ignore that they can look it up or get it from you calling, it's the gesture of giving it out that is important and emphasizes your interest and requires the next action to be theirs.
posted by meepmeow at 12:52 PM on May 21, 2010
Another personal anecdote from one half of a shy, awkward couple: My current partner and I dated for two and a half months before anything happened beyond holding hands (one time). I wasn't sure if he was interested in dating me or if he just enjoyed my company, so I, being awkward, just asked what was going on between us - are we just friends, or...? He responded rather apologetically, said he was just very shy, but he did like me very much. That night we had our first kiss on the doorstep, and now (a year and a half later), we're moving in together.
Don't assume people aren't interested if they aren't jumping at every text or call - sometimes they're busy, sometimes they're awkward and/or don't want to seem too excited. If they express interest in hanging out with you but you're not sure what's going on, just ask. It's okay! Really! Direct communication is a good thing, right?
Now, if someone is constantly noncommittal or never initiating contact and you don't "click" when you're together, it's safe to assume it's not going anywhere and leave it at that. No need to get confirmation, just move on.
posted by SugarAndSass at 1:07 PM on May 21, 2010
Don't assume people aren't interested if they aren't jumping at every text or call - sometimes they're busy, sometimes they're awkward and/or don't want to seem too excited. If they express interest in hanging out with you but you're not sure what's going on, just ask. It's okay! Really! Direct communication is a good thing, right?
Now, if someone is constantly noncommittal or never initiating contact and you don't "click" when you're together, it's safe to assume it's not going anywhere and leave it at that. No need to get confirmation, just move on.
posted by SugarAndSass at 1:07 PM on May 21, 2010
Response by poster: I feel this vaguely defensive need to point at that I'm usually not pushy or the pursuing type AT ALL. It takes quite a bit of CBT-type stuff for me to even invite someone to hang out and not worry that I'm being creepy or that it's unwanted. I've experienced the slightly too persistent person who doesn't get that "Thanks but I'm busy" without "but how about another time" means "I'm not interested" - I don't think I'm in danger of becoming That Guy.
And argh, these anecdotes about people who were a bit flaky but totally interested is NOT what I need to hear. I know it can happen occasionally...but I think hearing that makes me convince myself that there might be interest when there's not. And then I summon up all my courage to keep making invitations, and feel like a fool later when the person flakes out eventually (or at least that's what happened last time: "oh, I'm so sorry, your text got lost in a bunch of crazy texts, I would have loved to hang out." "well, the offer still stands, let me know" *initiates occasional random IM contact afterwards - maybe out of boredom - but never takes me up on it or invites me anywhere*)
I know I take these things too seriously. I'm working on it.
posted by clever anonymous username at 1:27 PM on May 21, 2010
And argh, these anecdotes about people who were a bit flaky but totally interested is NOT what I need to hear. I know it can happen occasionally...but I think hearing that makes me convince myself that there might be interest when there's not. And then I summon up all my courage to keep making invitations, and feel like a fool later when the person flakes out eventually (or at least that's what happened last time: "oh, I'm so sorry, your text got lost in a bunch of crazy texts, I would have loved to hang out." "well, the offer still stands, let me know" *initiates occasional random IM contact afterwards - maybe out of boredom - but never takes me up on it or invites me anywhere*)
I know I take these things too seriously. I'm working on it.
posted by clever anonymous username at 1:27 PM on May 21, 2010
Response by poster: and meepmeow, I'm not following you: I'm referring to situations where I've already been in reciprocated phone and email contact to arrange spending time together before.
posted by clever anonymous username at 1:37 PM on May 21, 2010
posted by clever anonymous username at 1:37 PM on May 21, 2010
I get that you don't want to hear about folks who were flaky but interested, but that doesn't change the fact that *asking* someone is the best way to find out their intentions/interest if you're not sure, without putting something out there that might either come across as a) passive aggressive or b) putting a move on someone who doesn't want that. Worst case scenario, they say they're not interested and don't really want to hang out anymore. Up to you whether you think that's better or worse than dragging it out.
posted by SugarAndSass at 1:40 PM on May 21, 2010
posted by SugarAndSass at 1:40 PM on May 21, 2010
Response by poster: How do you ask in a non passive-aggressive way? Seriously, I'm not really even sure how to do that. And Someone upthread said it'll show I don't know what I'm doing :/ :
Looking for closure or confirmation isn't realistic. In fact, it'll show pretty clearly that you don't know what you're doing, romantically. Worse, word may get around. I've heard stories about the clueless guys my female friends have gone on dates with. I met one of the guys years later without realizing who he was. When I put two and two together, I got a good laugh out of it (oh my god! He's the moron so and so went out a few times with!!!).
I feel like I'm probably trying to make sense of something that can't necessarily be taught and doesnt' have logic that's consistent from person to person, though. Maybe I've gotten my answer that there really isn't a good way to say precisely what I want to say, though.
posted by clever anonymous username at 1:54 PM on May 21, 2010
Looking for closure or confirmation isn't realistic. In fact, it'll show pretty clearly that you don't know what you're doing, romantically. Worse, word may get around. I've heard stories about the clueless guys my female friends have gone on dates with. I met one of the guys years later without realizing who he was. When I put two and two together, I got a good laugh out of it (oh my god! He's the moron so and so went out a few times with!!!).
I feel like I'm probably trying to make sense of something that can't necessarily be taught and doesnt' have logic that's consistent from person to person, though. Maybe I've gotten my answer that there really isn't a good way to say precisely what I want to say, though.
posted by clever anonymous username at 1:54 PM on May 21, 2010
Dude even if you've already have gone on 3 dates with the person doesnt mean that person will magically from one day to the other will move up to whatever level of seriousness you are in.....In your last response you seriously expressed some neediness:
and then I summon up all my courage to keep making invitations
Listen unless somebody is your girlfriend/boyfriend there's no need to have courage or this and that, you just ask them they said no you ask someone else (are you dating multiple people so you dont put all your eggs in one basket?). The fact that you are not being nonchalant and you probably convey to people that your invitation is very "high stakes' is probably turning them off......if the girl hasnt called you after you've tried calling them twice, you can keep on trying but YOU CANNOT invest yourself in it...as your friend told you...you need to move on.....the original advice was completely right...and the fact that you need more validation than that is not going to help you because nobody that is not exclusive with you owes you absolutely anything.....stop overthinking stuff, date multiple people, and just do your best.....
posted by The1andonly at 1:57 PM on May 21, 2010
and then I summon up all my courage to keep making invitations
Listen unless somebody is your girlfriend/boyfriend there's no need to have courage or this and that, you just ask them they said no you ask someone else (are you dating multiple people so you dont put all your eggs in one basket?). The fact that you are not being nonchalant and you probably convey to people that your invitation is very "high stakes' is probably turning them off......if the girl hasnt called you after you've tried calling them twice, you can keep on trying but YOU CANNOT invest yourself in it...as your friend told you...you need to move on.....the original advice was completely right...and the fact that you need more validation than that is not going to help you because nobody that is not exclusive with you owes you absolutely anything.....stop overthinking stuff, date multiple people, and just do your best.....
posted by The1andonly at 1:57 PM on May 21, 2010
You should also consider that the right person for you, the one that you are compatible with I mean, will not let you fall out of touch with them and will perhaps pursue you. When someone has been really into me and vice versa, we don't let things fade into nothing. If someone isn't willing to work at a relationship with you, you should move on for you and not stick around because just maybe this person who doesn't go through the effort to keep in touch of you might possibly like you.
posted by Kimberly at 1:57 PM on May 21, 2010
posted by Kimberly at 1:57 PM on May 21, 2010
It may be too late for the past but, with our anecdotes, we're trying to give you hope and advice for the future. Your response about it indicates you work with CBT; I feel your fear in misinterpreting and being a fool. I have to review my CBT skills often for the same type of reactions. I know I am most likely to interprete in the most negative possible light when I am not using CBT skills. One is also likely to forget that it's OKAY to occasionally be a fool and mis-interprete someone. You sound as if you are sensitive enough to get it when someone truly IS hinting (I wish people would just SAY it! ugh) that you back off; I don't think you have to worry about the that side of it. Don't be afraid to ask when someone's flakiness is starting to feel like a personal rejection, though.
I know, it's hard to work past depression/anger/whateveritisyoustrugglewith. It does get easier but then sometimes you slip back down and have to climb up again. That's not failure, it's training. You didn't learn to walk perfectly the first time you tried - you fell a lot.
posted by _paegan_ at 2:00 PM on May 21, 2010
I know, it's hard to work past depression/anger/whateveritisyoustrugglewith. It does get easier but then sometimes you slip back down and have to climb up again. That's not failure, it's training. You didn't learn to walk perfectly the first time you tried - you fell a lot.
posted by _paegan_ at 2:00 PM on May 21, 2010
Is there any good way to say "hey, I'm figuring you're not interested in me (romantically) and I'm a little bummed about that"?
Why put it so negatively? You seem to be asking to be turned down. You may get a "no" in any case, but I think you've got more chance, and you will retain more self-esteem in the case of rejection, if you say something like, "You know, I really like you, in so many ways, and I'm really into you romantically. Could we start something?"
Another advantage here is that the object of your crush is not under any illusions: if she's been unclear about whether you would go for her, now she's clear. And also bear this in mind: enthusiasm can sway a person in your favour.
posted by londongeezer at 3:15 PM on May 21, 2010
Why put it so negatively? You seem to be asking to be turned down. You may get a "no" in any case, but I think you've got more chance, and you will retain more self-esteem in the case of rejection, if you say something like, "You know, I really like you, in so many ways, and I'm really into you romantically. Could we start something?"
Another advantage here is that the object of your crush is not under any illusions: if she's been unclear about whether you would go for her, now she's clear. And also bear this in mind: enthusiasm can sway a person in your favour.
posted by londongeezer at 3:15 PM on May 21, 2010
Argh - what I sort of meant was that you toss them the ball and see what they want to do with it. They either call you to do something if they are interested or they do not.
If there are people who keep calling you, going out with you (alone in date situations), but they show zero interest then that just sucks and I can see how it would be very confusing. Stop accepting or summon up some bravery and make a dramatic move that at least you'll have a funny story about later.
Keep in mind that if things get really weird, there are plenty of really weird people out there and it's not your fault in any way when they do really weird things.
posted by meepmeow at 3:51 PM on May 21, 2010
If there are people who keep calling you, going out with you (alone in date situations), but they show zero interest then that just sucks and I can see how it would be very confusing. Stop accepting or summon up some bravery and make a dramatic move that at least you'll have a funny story about later.
Keep in mind that if things get really weird, there are plenty of really weird people out there and it's not your fault in any way when they do really weird things.
posted by meepmeow at 3:51 PM on May 21, 2010
The best way, in my experience, to find out if a girl likes you or not is be overly flirty, very sexual and try to kiss her. If she plays along, she likes you and if she doesnt, she doesnt.
Oh, and I only call once and text once. If nothing after that, I delete her from my phone.
posted by subaruwrx at 4:18 PM on May 21, 2010
Oh, and I only call once and text once. If nothing after that, I delete her from my phone.
posted by subaruwrx at 4:18 PM on May 21, 2010
I've said this before but it is worth repeating:
"I'm not even sure if I should follow up when she dropped the ball in a texting back-and-forth over nebulous plans to spend time together."
Please, for your own sake, do not Do Not DO NOT rely on texting as a means of communicating with people you don't know well. Hey, I get it. You're feeling shy and it's easier to send a text than to actually speak with someone. There's less potential for embarrassment, right? There's also a lot less effort and interest being shown by the person who texts instead of initiating real contact. Texting is fine in the right place and time, but by relying on it for initiating dating, you're setting yourself up for failure.
Be assertive.
Take a risk.
Pick up the phone.
Make the call.
Think of a fun date-type activity and then ask if she's interested. Worst case scenario, she'll say no. Ah, so what. A no won't kill you. Nobody likes rejection, of course, but at least then you'll know.
posted by 2oh1 at 7:02 PM on May 21, 2010
"I'm not even sure if I should follow up when she dropped the ball in a texting back-and-forth over nebulous plans to spend time together."
Please, for your own sake, do not Do Not DO NOT rely on texting as a means of communicating with people you don't know well. Hey, I get it. You're feeling shy and it's easier to send a text than to actually speak with someone. There's less potential for embarrassment, right? There's also a lot less effort and interest being shown by the person who texts instead of initiating real contact. Texting is fine in the right place and time, but by relying on it for initiating dating, you're setting yourself up for failure.
Be assertive.
Take a risk.
Pick up the phone.
Make the call.
Think of a fun date-type activity and then ask if she's interested. Worst case scenario, she'll say no. Ah, so what. A no won't kill you. Nobody likes rejection, of course, but at least then you'll know.
posted by 2oh1 at 7:02 PM on May 21, 2010
"I am really enjoying our dates, but I don't want to keep pressing you if you're not feeling it. So -- I'd love to see you again, and the ball's in your court."
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:46 PM on May 21, 2010
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:46 PM on May 21, 2010
Response by poster: Lots of good answers and tangential advice here. Marking ook's and phearlez's as best because ook directly and clearly answered my question and phearlez picked up on and identified the thought pattern and behavior that's probably the root of my problem here. Which will be tough to change, because I seem to be wired to pursue one person at a time, but that's life.
posted by clever anonymous username at 12:09 PM on May 22, 2010
posted by clever anonymous username at 12:09 PM on May 22, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:36 AM on May 21, 2010