The more the merrier or Hey! Stop Trying to Steal My Social Life!

May 21, 2010 9:37 AM

I'm a grown adult who seems to have blundered into a situation straight out of the 6th grade - a casual friend met through another friend seems to rapidly working her way through several people's social networks. When is it "the more the merrier" and when is it compulsive friend poaching?

I live in a smallish community where people are pretty friendly and sociable, so I have a lot of different friends that have been met through various other social connections. For the most part it works pretty well - people have a nice history with one another, but I'm also independent enough that I'm not tied into one group for my social life.

About a year ago, Friend A had a party and invited another friend of hers, Friend B. Friend B and I had a nice conversation (turns out we have mutual professional colleagues) and she also hit it off with another mutual friend of Friend A and I, Friend C. Friend B sends me a request to be Facebook friends and pretty soon, she and Friend C seem to have turned into BFFs and she also became friends with Friend C's roommate. Let's call that person Friend D and well, now according to Facebook she's spending most of her free time hanging out with people who were Friend D's besties.

So while I enjoy Friend B's company and tend to be of the "more the merrier" school of thought when it comes to my social life, it's pretty obvious that the original friend who brought her into the fold (Friend A) has dropped her. And recently admitted that she feels like this person was an insincere friend who tried to appropriate her social circle. I will admit to feeling a little weird about how Friend B and Friend C (who I had been pretty tight with) suddenly became BFFs. And now it seems like most of Friend D's social circle is now instead orbiting around Friend B.

I tend to have a diverse/one on one social life, so I'm probably not at risk per se for this person to poach off my social life. But it is starting to disturb me just seeing via Facebook how she's worked her way through the social circle of two different friends of mine.

I guess my question is, is it possible to handle all of these different relationships without feeling like you: a) Inadvertently hurt your original friend and b) Might be simply another "friend" this person is collecting?

Or is the original friend who feels slighted being out of line in their reaction? Part of me feels like it's a little unrealistic to get angry if different people you introduce to each other hit it off and become friends.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (20 answers total)

Friend B sends me a request to be Facebook friends and pretty soon, she and Friend C seem to have turned into BFFs and she also became friends with Friend C's roommate

I'm thinking about this, and it's not really friend-poaching. They just happen to get along like gangbusters and click. That happens. Like in romantic relationships, sometimes friendships don't last because someone meets someone else they like better and like spending more time with. New people enter the group. They're friends. It's allowed. And you can't be jealous anymore because then they won't want to be friends with you.
posted by anniecat at 9:43 AM on May 21, 2010

I think it's weird when people hoard friends - as if there's only so much friendship to go around and if someone makes a new friend, you get less friendship as a result. If your friend wants to take a way-back trip to 6th grade, then that's their prerogative, but that doesn't mean you have to join them.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:45 AM on May 21, 2010 [13 favorites]

Why do you care who friend B is friends with?


I guess my question is, is it possible to handle all of these different relationships without feeling like you [...] Might be simply another "friend" this person is collecting

If you feel that way, then don't be friends with her. On the other hand, if your only evidence of this fact is that she seems to have made a lot of new friends really fast, well, I wouldn't drop a new friend that easily. Some people make new friends quicker than others.

Part of me feels like it's a little unrealistic to get angry if different people you introduce to each other hit it off and become friends.

It is.
posted by 256 at 9:48 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

Part of me feels like it's a little unrealistic to get angry if different people you introduce to each other hit it off and become friends.

Yes, but if this is also true:

And recently admitted that she feels like this person was an insincere friend who tried to appropriate her social circle.

This happens. But you'll find out pretty soon if that's true.

Where this usually has an impact is where there's other factors in play: one friend quit smoking, the other friend has a boyfriend, another friend got a new job that keeps them busier than the used to be, stuff like that. Then when 'new blood' comes into the circle it may seem like that person is 'poaching' but really, all they're doing is being available when, perhaps, the others might have been less available.
posted by micawber at 9:49 AM on May 21, 2010

Part of me feels like it's a little unrealistic to get angry if different people you introduce to each other hit it off and become friends.

This part of you is correct. Listen to it.

C and D are adults, and if they want to spend more time with B, that's their choice, and not B "stealing" anyone away from anyone. B is not forcing C and D to do anything. If A feels hurt because C is spending less time with A now, A should take that up with/direct their hurt feelings toward C, not whoever or whatever is occupying C's time over A.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:50 AM on May 21, 2010

There's no way to 'own' a social circle.

If this person is an insincere friend, people will notice this sooner or later, and drop her.
posted by HFSH at 9:53 AM on May 21, 2010

Is this person being mean to you in some way? If they're not, don't worry about it. People sometimes like the people they meet. They get on, and spend time together. That's pretty much how social interaction as a whole works. B met several people, liked them, and now spends time with them. What's the issue here?

Is A jealous, or something? This seems to revolve around A's upset that B is friendly, but that is something that A will have to deal with. A's not in control of the people they know, and those people can be friendly with who they want to be. It's not really any of A's business who B and the other letters of the alphabet hang out with.
posted by Solomon at 9:55 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think it's weird when people hoard friends - as if there's only so much friendship to go around and if someone makes a new friend, you get less friendship as a result.

What The Light Fantastic said. I actually think it's sweet when "friends of friends" hit it off. The wider the network of friends, the richer the social circle.

Do your old friends all of a sudden not have time for you anymore - are the "busy" when you call them? Are they excluding you from gatherings where you were invited previously? If your friends aren't cutting you dead or "gosh, we're really busy right now" a lot, then there's no need to worry.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 9:55 AM on May 21, 2010

i guess i'm a little confused. all of these people are adults, as are you. if your feelings are hurt, or you have something you want to say to someone, concerns to raise, you can do it in an adult way. all the other letters of the alphabet also can do the same if they want to or need to. what we learn in pre-school and kindergarden and the years that follow (middle school teaches hard lessons, but so do other years) is how to use our words and communication to address our feelings and to express our needs. and we cannot control when people "click" as friends or do not. that's just a natural process. if your feelings are hurt in the process, or someone else's are, i think you can express them in a kind, mature way. if you feel a friend is being used, perhaps you can find a way to talk about that. but being angry doesn't seem to address the root of your feelings or change the situation.
posted by anya32 at 9:57 AM on May 21, 2010

Sounds to me like this person will eventually burn through Friends B, C and D as well as their friends. The trend is that the Friend A and you have been put off by her ways. The crazy always comes out sooner or later. Wait.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:05 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

Part of me feels like it's a little unrealistic to get angry if different people you introduce to each other hit it off and become friends.

I know people who are delighted when this happens. A buddy of mine calls it "cross-pollinating" and takes it as a compliment, in an imitation-is-the-most-sincere-form-of-flattery kind of way.

How other people react to it shouldn't be your problem, I think.
posted by ambrosia at 10:06 AM on May 21, 2010

agreeing that people i've met who are insincere and just "gathering" or "collecting" friends for weird self esteem related issues tend to become apparent after awhile and just go off to collect new groups of people when it becomes obvious that they aren't really friends because they genuinely like you or whatever. i'd feel sorry for this person rather than annoyed. true friendship is awesome, so just think about what they're missing out on!
posted by raw sugar at 10:11 AM on May 21, 2010

This is absolutely none of your business.
posted by sid at 10:11 AM on May 21, 2010 [4 favorites]

Seems like Friend B was able to accomplish something that Friend A wasn't, she got jealous, and that's why she dropped B. A sounds kind of sour grapes, really. And stop going on Facebook and monitoring the activities of B. I'd spend some good quality time with A and see what's really going on with her, see if there are insecurities at play, or if there's some kind of backstabbing going on. I can almost see A stamping her foot and pouting, "but they were my friends first!" but maybe that's unfair.
posted by foxjacket at 10:13 AM on May 21, 2010

i actually know of someone like your friend. Who was quite insincere and using one friend to get to other friends to use for all sorts of things. She ended up with no friends in the end. I guess if her intentions are off and she is insincere- trust that everyone will figure it out eventually. If she's sincere, then all's good to go. The part where things get risky for you is if you start acting strange and everyone she met through you takes her side. Then you lose. So, don't do anything, don't say anything, and let things ride out. If she's a creep everyone willl realize it eventually, and if she's not- maybe you'll end up best friends or at least try not to get left out of her next party, it'll be a fun chance to catch up with all your friends.
posted by saraindc at 11:32 AM on May 21, 2010 [1 favorite]

Sure, it's an emotional not a rational response. That doesn't mean you're not feeling it or that it's somehow invalid.

When someone moves through friends quickly, or has lots of friends, that means that they're not focused on you as something/someone special. That's weird. Because there's an implicit feeling that either there's something different about you that makes you less friendable or that any attention paid to you would be paid to anyone off the street or...

So, there's feelings and then there's actions. What is missing that this is bugging you? A super-close friendship? A wider group of friends? Or is it just so different from your (likely close, and long-term vs. flighty and intense) version of friendship that your brain can't quite see it as "real" friendship?

In any case, look at it in your head, but there's no action -- negative or positive -- that you should or could take. Just sit back, be a friend to the people that matter to you, and just shrug the jealousy/weirdness/whatever off.

Be you and let her be her and it'll all sort out. Take some sort of action or stance (like bad mouthing or actively avoiding) and it won't.
posted by Gucky at 11:51 AM on May 21, 2010

But it is starting to disturb me just seeing via Facebook how she's worked her way through the social circle of two different friends of mine.

Facebook's Hide button is wonderful for such cases. Just hide her (and maybe the people she interacts with, too) and you'll forget about this in no time. They won't notice.
posted by clearlydemon at 11:58 AM on May 21, 2010

With the majority of people out there, I'm sure this idea of friend-poaching would just make you look a little strange. But I've encountered the evil friend-poacher who did the rounds, many accepting her as trustful because she was seemingly BFFs with other trustful people. I liked her so much, I became her housemate after only knowing her a few weeks. She ended up several months later going on a merry round of theft and other crimes before leaving for a whole new city.

Those that spoke up about this strange but innocent seeming friend collecting were laughed at as paranoid or jealous. Even when, as the suspicious activities grew, more and more people joined the first un-trusting ones; they were just ridiculed more.

Many of us lost thousands of dollars, most of us lost priceless treasured momentos. Several of us lost friendships between each other.


Most likely your super-friender is very gregarious and is looking to expand her own social life. But I wonder why it's raising red-flags for you and Friend A.
posted by _paegan_ at 1:00 PM on May 21, 2010

Some people are like that - they make "friends" really easily and quickly, but they aren't really a good friends when you think about it. Sometimes it takes a while to realize that someone seems fun and cool but isn't really there for you when it counts.

People like that show the exact same behavior as you're seeing visually on FaceBook from friend B. They need a supply of "new blood" to burn through as hang-out buddies and leave a trail of casual "no hard feelings, but meh" acquaintances.

Just wait it out. Chances are, the same thing will happen. Although, I have had cases where a person I was slow to take to in the group kind of grew on me after a while, just like the song on the album you don't like at first can eventually become your favorite.
posted by ctmf at 2:47 PM on May 21, 2010

I think it's weird when people hoard friends - as if there's only so much friendship to go around and if someone makes a new friend, you get less friendship as a result.


Yes and no. I can see a scenario in which a friend spends less time with you because they are too busy spending time with this other new friend. You know, sometimes it happens when your once-single mates hook up with someone. And some friendships work on more quantity than quality of hang outs. Some friends I see once every couple of months and it's awesome, others come round in house pants to watch crappy TV every other day.

But pre-meditated friend hoarding is totally weird.
posted by mooza at 3:04 AM on May 22, 2010