Life stress
February 21, 2005 10:40 AM Subscribe
A few really bad things have happened to me in the last week and I'm having some difficulty working past them. First I was robbed in my home. Then my car was smashed up. How do I cope with the stresses from this?
Some background on the events can be found in posts to my livejournal (I found writing about it to be tremendously helpful, actually). Robbery. Accident.
I'm mostly okay, most of the time, but, for example, my landlady's homecare worker is upstairs doing laundry and it is making me very nervous, even though I know it's not too likely that there's a burgler in the house who thought they'd stop and do a load of whites. Plus, this AnonyMe was me, and the guys who robbed me were black, so suddenly my basic mental issues have been reinforced.
Add the stress from the accident on Saturday, and some horrible, horrible remarks that were made by a random stranger in the parking lot while I was calling my insurance company and I'm just really stressed. Most of the time if I'm doing something else, I'm not too bad, but if I get bored, I brood on these things and have to work hard not to cry.
Some background on the events can be found in posts to my livejournal (I found writing about it to be tremendously helpful, actually). Robbery. Accident.
I'm mostly okay, most of the time, but, for example, my landlady's homecare worker is upstairs doing laundry and it is making me very nervous, even though I know it's not too likely that there's a burgler in the house who thought they'd stop and do a load of whites. Plus, this AnonyMe was me, and the guys who robbed me were black, so suddenly my basic mental issues have been reinforced.
Add the stress from the accident on Saturday, and some horrible, horrible remarks that were made by a random stranger in the parking lot while I was calling my insurance company and I'm just really stressed. Most of the time if I'm doing something else, I'm not too bad, but if I get bored, I brood on these things and have to work hard not to cry.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request. -- jessamyn
I am so sorry to hear all that has happened to you. I would suggest looking at the website of the National Center for PTSD. You have definitely experienced a traumatic event. The cognitive behavioral therapy links address how it is normal to feel what you are feeling and offer help about how to process what has happened.
posted by mlis at 10:55 AM on February 21, 2005
posted by mlis at 10:55 AM on February 21, 2005
Oh, I'm so sorry that you had such a terrible experience. It sounds like you NEED to take some time to cry and release some of the physical stress. And what bondcliff said.
posted by naomi at 11:00 AM on February 21, 2005
posted by naomi at 11:00 AM on February 21, 2005
Why are you stopping yourself from crying? Find a private little place and let it all out.
Then move on. There's a saying I think is particularly apt: "the past is prologue." Sure these horrible things happened, and it's unfortunate, but they did happen (emphasize the past tense) and fretting about it constantly isn't going to help.
I find that the first step is always realizing that you can't change the past. Every time I start worrying about something I did, I just meditate on this thought until I find a bit of calm. Once I've convinced myself that the past is immutable, I try to make the most out of what the future has to offer. Actually doing something about things I can change always makes me feel better.
I guess the take home message I try to live by is to not let past mistakes of misfortunes control/ruin the rest of my life.
posted by sbutler at 11:05 AM on February 21, 2005
Then move on. There's a saying I think is particularly apt: "the past is prologue." Sure these horrible things happened, and it's unfortunate, but they did happen (emphasize the past tense) and fretting about it constantly isn't going to help.
I find that the first step is always realizing that you can't change the past. Every time I start worrying about something I did, I just meditate on this thought until I find a bit of calm. Once I've convinced myself that the past is immutable, I try to make the most out of what the future has to offer. Actually doing something about things I can change always makes me feel better.
I guess the take home message I try to live by is to not let past mistakes of misfortunes control/ruin the rest of my life.
posted by sbutler at 11:05 AM on February 21, 2005
If it makes you feel better, perhaps you have all of this year's bad events out of the way, and the rest of the year will be clear sailing?
posted by shepd at 11:11 AM on February 21, 2005
posted by shepd at 11:11 AM on February 21, 2005
Ouch! That really sucks.
Family and friends are probably your best resource. Spend lots of time with them if you can. Talking about it usually helps, but just spending time with people who care for you is the key. Good luck to you.
posted by caddis at 11:13 AM on February 21, 2005
Family and friends are probably your best resource. Spend lots of time with them if you can. Talking about it usually helps, but just spending time with people who care for you is the key. Good luck to you.
posted by caddis at 11:13 AM on February 21, 2005
As others have mentioned, you may be suffering from PTSD. This is quite common given the recent events you have described, particularly armed robbery. Under no circumstances should you feel guilty for having these feelings since the best way of dealing with this is to find and stick to a supportive and helpful social environment (for instance, never worry about calling your mother) that will work with you to overcome the stress, not re-enforce it.
PTSD, even in mild cases, can have associated physical health problems so it is important to visit a doctor and/or a psychiatrist (preferably one that knows you already) and get a medical opinion.
Finally, never - under any circumstances - blame yourself for either of these events. They were not your fault. You were a victim of malice and unfortunate circumstance that were both beyond your control and no matter how you justify it, you could not have changed either situation.
Best of luck and my condolences.
posted by purephase at 11:31 AM on February 21, 2005
PTSD, even in mild cases, can have associated physical health problems so it is important to visit a doctor and/or a psychiatrist (preferably one that knows you already) and get a medical opinion.
Finally, never - under any circumstances - blame yourself for either of these events. They were not your fault. You were a victim of malice and unfortunate circumstance that were both beyond your control and no matter how you justify it, you could not have changed either situation.
Best of luck and my condolences.
posted by purephase at 11:31 AM on February 21, 2005
Exercise. It may sound trite, but getting your body moving is a vital and important way to relieve stress. Ideally, find something that will require your mental as well as physical attention (e.g., not just walking/running on a treadmill). It will keep your mind off of the bad shit that has happened. It will help you feel good about yourself physically and emotionally. It will tire you out so that you can sleep better at night. If you get involved in a class or a team sport, it will give you a chance to interact with others instead of dwelling on the bad shit.
Exercise isn't a panacea - it won't replace family or friends or therapy. But its a small thing that you can do for yourself that might help a bit.
Best of luck.
posted by googly at 11:41 AM on February 21, 2005
Exercise isn't a panacea - it won't replace family or friends or therapy. But its a small thing that you can do for yourself that might help a bit.
Best of luck.
posted by googly at 11:41 AM on February 21, 2005
I suggest that you also spend time with friends who you feel very safe around. It's clear that you could use some reassurance and companionship. If you have spare time that leaves you bored, try some activities that will leave you feeling positive and not threatened. Read at the library, volunteer with some children, whatever keeps your mind active.
You said that writing about the incidents helped. Write all you want, and don't hold back at all. Write your opinion however you want to, you can keep it private and nobody has to worry about what you say on paper.
posted by Saydur at 11:44 AM on February 21, 2005
You said that writing about the incidents helped. Write all you want, and don't hold back at all. Write your opinion however you want to, you can keep it private and nobody has to worry about what you say on paper.
posted by Saydur at 11:44 AM on February 21, 2005
The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (downtown Toronto) has a section on their site about coping with traumatic events. They have a toll-free number and lots of related information on their site. Sometimes it's helpful to know that the way you are reacting is perfectly normal.
posted by heatherann at 12:24 PM on February 21, 2005
posted by heatherann at 12:24 PM on February 21, 2005
Excellent advice here!
You mention that writing helped you, and that insight might be key. My guess is that it was the act of communication that helped. There's something about "getting it out of you" that actually feels like, well, getting it out of you. Trouble is, you can't write about it all the time (probably). But you can tell your story to as many people as possible. The word "story" is also key. Let it become a story. Call everyone you know, one by one, and tell them. Tell the story until you're tired of it and it becomes boring -- as if it wasn't even your story.
If you feel like you've already tired all your friends and family, I always enjoy email :-)
posted by grumblebee at 12:41 PM on February 21, 2005
You mention that writing helped you, and that insight might be key. My guess is that it was the act of communication that helped. There's something about "getting it out of you" that actually feels like, well, getting it out of you. Trouble is, you can't write about it all the time (probably). But you can tell your story to as many people as possible. The word "story" is also key. Let it become a story. Call everyone you know, one by one, and tell them. Tell the story until you're tired of it and it becomes boring -- as if it wasn't even your story.
If you feel like you've already tired all your friends and family, I always enjoy email :-)
posted by grumblebee at 12:41 PM on February 21, 2005
Excersize, yes. I find karate a particularly good release for feelings of anger, but be careful not to hurt anyone :-)
Focus on relaxing and work.
Work at focussing and relaxing.
Relax.
posted by denishowe at 1:25 PM on February 21, 2005
Focus on relaxing and work.
Work at focussing and relaxing.
Relax.
posted by denishowe at 1:25 PM on February 21, 2005
I am sorry to hear about all the bad things that have happened to you lately. They're obviously troubling you quite a bit.
I applaud your efforts to approach these things in a reasonable, rather than an overwrought way - your AnonyMe post, and this question as well. With the kind of constructive attitude you show, I'm sure things will get better promptly.
When I wrecked my own car on the George Washington Bridge (a bus ran me into the sidewall, on the water-side) my life flashed before my eyes. There were a few seconds when the airbag went off, I couldn't see, and the car was still traveling at 50+ miles per hour - sideways. I was pretty sure the car was going to flip and I was going to fall off the side into the water and die. My ex-girlfriend came into my mind and the most extraordinary feelings of love and sadness welled up.
When the car came to rest, my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest, and I had a lot to think about. What helped was a good stiff drink and about 6 hours of conversation with my loved ones. Ordinarily I hesitate to be too needy in conversations with my friends, but that night I called up my best friend and said, "Man, I need to talk and know you're listening" and I just talked until I felt better. After a couple hours of rapping I called my mom and did the same thing.
Don't underestimate the anxiety-busting power of a good stiff drink in these acute settings, either. If you don't have a propensity for alcoholism, a little self-medication can be an OK thing.
If you're not feeling better about these things in a couple weeks, I think that'd be a good time to think about contacting a professional - a therapist - about it.
By the way, the world is full of asses, criminals, and jerk-offs of every ethnic color and flavor. You are not responsible for them, not even to the extent of having to judge them and feel bad about it later. Just ignore them and focus on being the good person you want to be.
Finally, I hope you feel better soon!
posted by ikkyu2 at 2:02 PM on February 21, 2005
I applaud your efforts to approach these things in a reasonable, rather than an overwrought way - your AnonyMe post, and this question as well. With the kind of constructive attitude you show, I'm sure things will get better promptly.
When I wrecked my own car on the George Washington Bridge (a bus ran me into the sidewall, on the water-side) my life flashed before my eyes. There were a few seconds when the airbag went off, I couldn't see, and the car was still traveling at 50+ miles per hour - sideways. I was pretty sure the car was going to flip and I was going to fall off the side into the water and die. My ex-girlfriend came into my mind and the most extraordinary feelings of love and sadness welled up.
When the car came to rest, my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest, and I had a lot to think about. What helped was a good stiff drink and about 6 hours of conversation with my loved ones. Ordinarily I hesitate to be too needy in conversations with my friends, but that night I called up my best friend and said, "Man, I need to talk and know you're listening" and I just talked until I felt better. After a couple hours of rapping I called my mom and did the same thing.
Don't underestimate the anxiety-busting power of a good stiff drink in these acute settings, either. If you don't have a propensity for alcoholism, a little self-medication can be an OK thing.
If you're not feeling better about these things in a couple weeks, I think that'd be a good time to think about contacting a professional - a therapist - about it.
By the way, the world is full of asses, criminals, and jerk-offs of every ethnic color and flavor. You are not responsible for them, not even to the extent of having to judge them and feel bad about it later. Just ignore them and focus on being the good person you want to be.
Finally, I hope you feel better soon!
posted by ikkyu2 at 2:02 PM on February 21, 2005
Response by poster: Thanks for the advice, MeFi.
My family is all thousands of miles away, and I don't really have too many close friends, so some of this going to be tough to follow. My one close friend that I do have I can't dump on too heavily, partly because I live in her mother's house, and her mother was the other person held up, so she's got enough worrying about this to do already, and partly because she's 8 months pregnant.
I've been talking about it with my less than close friends, but I really don't feel like it's fair to dump heavy emotional stuff on them. No shortage of people who are willing to listen to the gory details as long as I'm kind of joking and sarcastic about it, but I don't think many of them would hold up under the actual emotional onslaught.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:53 PM on February 21, 2005
My family is all thousands of miles away, and I don't really have too many close friends, so some of this going to be tough to follow. My one close friend that I do have I can't dump on too heavily, partly because I live in her mother's house, and her mother was the other person held up, so she's got enough worrying about this to do already, and partly because she's 8 months pregnant.
I've been talking about it with my less than close friends, but I really don't feel like it's fair to dump heavy emotional stuff on them. No shortage of people who are willing to listen to the gory details as long as I'm kind of joking and sarcastic about it, but I don't think many of them would hold up under the actual emotional onslaught.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:53 PM on February 21, 2005
i had a much more mild experience than yours (arguing with some kids) and ended up very paranoid. not putting the light on, wondering what noises were, thinking people were planning to do more things, etc.
i don't really have any solution - but if it's any help, about a week after it all started i had a moment of self-awareness / clarity when it struck me that i was over-reacting, that these things are random, that there was no pattern to things, that i wasn't being singled out. once i realised that, everything got better pretty quickly. writing (self link) helped too.
it sounds like you may be already past this point, in which case i suspect/hope things will soon get better. or you may just be mentally tougher than me in this respect. but for me the key was understanding that nothing was planned - it was just bad luck.
posted by andrew cooke at 4:41 PM on February 21, 2005
i don't really have any solution - but if it's any help, about a week after it all started i had a moment of self-awareness / clarity when it struck me that i was over-reacting, that these things are random, that there was no pattern to things, that i wasn't being singled out. once i realised that, everything got better pretty quickly. writing (self link) helped too.
it sounds like you may be already past this point, in which case i suspect/hope things will soon get better. or you may just be mentally tougher than me in this respect. but for me the key was understanding that nothing was planned - it was just bad luck.
posted by andrew cooke at 4:41 PM on February 21, 2005
You know, from your LiveJournals you seem to have a pretty good sense of humor about these slings and arrows. Written down like that, "slings and arrows" doesn't quite capture the knee-deep river of crap that you've found yourself floating in. I don't need to tell you the laundry list of things that easily "could have been" that would have made either of these incidents much, much worse. In similar situations, a good percentage of people would have ended up injured or dead. As was said earlier, "perhaps you have all of this year's bad events out of the way" -- I'd say that you've got a decade of bad shit out of the way, and you're walking away from it with your health and sanity. Keep reminding yourself that you're fine, you escaped fate's angry gaze where others have not.
I've had a couple of near-death incidents in my life, and while they scare the shit out of you, they do help give you some perspective. If you need to dump some heavy emotional stuff on someone and you don't have any friends that will qualify, you could always try your local pub, although a qualified therapist might be a healthier option.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 4:49 PM on February 21, 2005
I've had a couple of near-death incidents in my life, and while they scare the shit out of you, they do help give you some perspective. If you need to dump some heavy emotional stuff on someone and you don't have any friends that will qualify, you could always try your local pub, although a qualified therapist might be a healthier option.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 4:49 PM on February 21, 2005
Speaking from experience, in a dry clinical way, you should accept that it's normal to lose perspective for a little while. You may be fearful for a time, but this will pass as you regain your confidence. Let yourself sleep with the light on for a few nights. Don't rush yourself. Most doctors will advise you to avoid alcohol for a little while. (I have no opinion on this).
You may need to rehash these incidents more than your friends have patience for. I saw a counselor for a few visits, I think it was two or three sessions. We went over the crime a few times till I could talk about it easily. We went through a few of my bad moments and talked about what fears were normal, and what were just remnants of a bad experience. It wasn't exactly therapy, but it helped a lot. It didn't take long before I really felt like I was dealing with things constructively.
If you can afford it, a massage might be a good way to get rid of some stress. It wouldn't hurt to spoil yourself a little.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 5:47 PM on February 21, 2005
You may need to rehash these incidents more than your friends have patience for. I saw a counselor for a few visits, I think it was two or three sessions. We went over the crime a few times till I could talk about it easily. We went through a few of my bad moments and talked about what fears were normal, and what were just remnants of a bad experience. It wasn't exactly therapy, but it helped a lot. It didn't take long before I really felt like I was dealing with things constructively.
If you can afford it, a massage might be a good way to get rid of some stress. It wouldn't hurt to spoil yourself a little.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 5:47 PM on February 21, 2005
Just a little personal note on what I find helpful. When I'm stressed out and anxious, I find it very annoying to be told to "relax" or to be "calm". If I knew how to do either of these things, I'd be doing them. I didn't choose to be stressed out.
What helps more in the near term (and admittedly in the short run) is for someone to remind me to take a deep breath instead of just "relax".
Even better is when that friend will help coach me thru a few deep breaths and count them with me.
"Marsha, take three deep breaths."
"Slowly in thru the nostrils. Lift your head until your head is tllted way back. Now slowly and gently, blow out thru your mouth, bringing your head forward until your chin is resting on your chest. One. (coach the breath again) Two. (again) Three".
posted by marsha56 at 8:11 PM on February 21, 2005
What helps more in the near term (and admittedly in the short run) is for someone to remind me to take a deep breath instead of just "relax".
Even better is when that friend will help coach me thru a few deep breaths and count them with me.
"Marsha, take three deep breaths."
"Slowly in thru the nostrils. Lift your head until your head is tllted way back. Now slowly and gently, blow out thru your mouth, bringing your head forward until your chin is resting on your chest. One. (coach the breath again) Two. (again) Three".
posted by marsha56 at 8:11 PM on February 21, 2005
I had my car busted into the other week - stole a camera I stupidly left on the seat. Two weeks later, some asshole busted the *other* door window to steal...nothing. The best thing I found to get over my extreme distrust of just about everyone was to polot my revenge - "I'm gonna sut up all night with a potato gun and a couple sections of chain, and beat the little pricks within an inch of their lives" - and then completely forget about it. The plotting part is, honestly, a lot of fun, but if you distract yourself socially so that the time frame for such a plot is infeasible, you get to mete out just desserts in your head without the ugly spectre of actually beating the shit out of some kids who happened to walk by when you're waiting.
posted by notsnot at 10:15 PM on February 21, 2005
posted by notsnot at 10:15 PM on February 21, 2005
This thread is closed to new comments.
Get it all out.
Now that that's out of the way, do some practical stuff. Change the locks on your apartment. Secure the windows better. Hollow out a book to hide valuables in. Build a false bottom in a dresser drawer. The point is to do something to give you a bit of control over the situation.
As for your car, it's only a car. It may be your only car but it sounds like you didn't get hurt. Cars can be replaced.
The stranger in the parkinglot was just a jerk. There are tons of them out there and, sadly, there's little any of us can do about them. It's ok, they go home to miserable lives.
Keep busy. Hang out with friends.
Know that everything passes in time.
posted by bondcliff at 10:51 AM on February 21, 2005