Resources for being positive and understanding the ego
May 18, 2010 12:04 PM Subscribe
Looking for a "how-to" guide with scenarios on EXTREME positivity in situations where normally you wouldn't be positive or forgiving...
Almost all my life I have been a positive person... (I'm a male in my mid 20's)...
In the past couple of months I have become WAY more positive than ever and I don't see myself ever going down a notch. I don't know if it's because I have been more open to people like Eckhart Tolle/Dale Carnegie or just because I realized that any other way of being is a disservice to myself and others... for example; I now notice people complaining about "Mondays", the weather, or traffic; or how people talk about what went wrong on their last vacation instead of what went right... things I would complain of myself in the past...
I have/or am trying to COMPLETELY stop complaining, condemning, and criticizing people/situations ALWAYS. I now believe there is NEVER an excuse to do this unless it will bring a direct result (for example, speaking to a waiter about the food being cold and having the meal warmed etc... but even then using a technique where it doesn't come off as a complaint, because hey anyone can make a mistake!)
I now realize how the ego is so strong and how it affects us deeply. Anytime I feel I have to prove someone wrong, or get upset at someone I quickly become aware of how the ego is at work and I am no longer upset... I even want to be able to forgive someone who hypothetically would intentionally murder a family member... may be impossible for me in the situation; but I want to understand it at least...
What resources are out there to help me on this multi-part journey of enlightenment? I'm looking for how-to guides with scenarios (I am not religious at all but don't mind productive advice with religious undertones)
Books, blogs, message boards, podcasts, or videos explaining situations ranging from "How do I deal with someone insulting me?" to "How would people like the Dalai Lama deal with someone like Hitler?" would be great... the only books I have read on the subject have been "How To Win Friends And Influence People" and Eckhart Tolle books...
Almost all my life I have been a positive person... (I'm a male in my mid 20's)...
In the past couple of months I have become WAY more positive than ever and I don't see myself ever going down a notch. I don't know if it's because I have been more open to people like Eckhart Tolle/Dale Carnegie or just because I realized that any other way of being is a disservice to myself and others... for example; I now notice people complaining about "Mondays", the weather, or traffic; or how people talk about what went wrong on their last vacation instead of what went right... things I would complain of myself in the past...
I have/or am trying to COMPLETELY stop complaining, condemning, and criticizing people/situations ALWAYS. I now believe there is NEVER an excuse to do this unless it will bring a direct result (for example, speaking to a waiter about the food being cold and having the meal warmed etc... but even then using a technique where it doesn't come off as a complaint, because hey anyone can make a mistake!)
I now realize how the ego is so strong and how it affects us deeply. Anytime I feel I have to prove someone wrong, or get upset at someone I quickly become aware of how the ego is at work and I am no longer upset... I even want to be able to forgive someone who hypothetically would intentionally murder a family member... may be impossible for me in the situation; but I want to understand it at least...
What resources are out there to help me on this multi-part journey of enlightenment? I'm looking for how-to guides with scenarios (I am not religious at all but don't mind productive advice with religious undertones)
Books, blogs, message boards, podcasts, or videos explaining situations ranging from "How do I deal with someone insulting me?" to "How would people like the Dalai Lama deal with someone like Hitler?" would be great... the only books I have read on the subject have been "How To Win Friends And Influence People" and Eckhart Tolle books...
Having a child has made me understand "unconditional love" in a way that I don't think I'd have been able to otherwise. Sure, you can probably find your path by other means, but parenthood has increased my positivity towards the world in the way you seem to be seeking.
posted by MrMoonPie at 12:19 PM on May 18, 2010
posted by MrMoonPie at 12:19 PM on May 18, 2010
Mod note: few comments removed - today is not opposite day.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:26 PM on May 18, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:26 PM on May 18, 2010 [6 favorites]
The Sedona Method is nonreligous/nonspiritual and of a similar vein. By Hale Dwoskin I think. They talk about releasing and letting go of things that happen to you - similar to forgiveness I think. The Course in Miracles talks about forgiveness in the same manner you're discussing. It's spiritual but not religious (and Tolle actually refers to ACIM in some of his books). There are some intro books to ACIM that might be useful including Gary Renard's "Disappearance of the Universe".
posted by mulkey at 1:12 PM on May 18, 2010
posted by mulkey at 1:12 PM on May 18, 2010
Read the Stoics, Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius in particular.
posted by bricoleur at 4:08 PM on May 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by bricoleur at 4:08 PM on May 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
Not so much a "how-to," but for an inspiring example, you may want to check out Forgiving Dr. Mengele, a documentary about Eva Mozes Kor, a survivor of Dr. Mengele's experiments at Auschwitz (the rest of her family, including her twin sister, died there), who does exactly what it says on the tin.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 5:45 PM on May 18, 2010
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 5:45 PM on May 18, 2010
This NY Times story isn't a how-to either, but it might be another inspiring example of what you're talking about.
It's a first-person account of how Laura Munson responded when her husband told her that he didn't love her any more. Essentially, she remained positive and forgiving, as you put it. Or, she simply decided not to believe him, as Laura herself puts it.
posted by puffl at 7:55 PM on May 18, 2010
It's a first-person account of how Laura Munson responded when her husband told her that he didn't love her any more. Essentially, she remained positive and forgiving, as you put it. Or, she simply decided not to believe him, as Laura herself puts it.
posted by puffl at 7:55 PM on May 18, 2010
I like to watch Craig Ferguson's interview with Desmond Tutu to calm my nerves.
posted by yaymukund at 8:40 PM on May 18, 2010
posted by yaymukund at 8:40 PM on May 18, 2010
It's a first-person account of how Laura Munson responded when her husband told her that he didn't love her any more. Essentially, she remained positive and forgiving, as you put it. Or, she simply decided not to believe him, as Laura herself puts it.
Please read the article, because that's not the message. The husband was having a bad time, and she chose to be supportive in the best way she knew, because she loved him. She wasn't going to be a doormat, but rather, chose a sort of "if you love it, let it go free" kind of thing. "Choosing not to believe him" ends up being a metaphor for that. It's pretty clear she believed that's what he felt at the moment, but that she was willing to give it some time to make sure *he* was sure about it.
She didn't forgive his feelings, she simply realized (or decided, or guessed) that he might not have been interpreting his own feelings accurately. Because, jeez, how egotistical is it for someone to forgive someone for feeling a certain way? Forgiveness implies a wrong has occurred. /rant off.
To be truly positive, you simply need to disconnect your emotional response from what the other person has said or done. My emotions and feelings are my own business, and yours are your own, and neither is objectively more important than another. It's not a "whose feelings are more hurt" contest.
Give everyone the benefit of the doubt- if there comes a moment where you find yourself wondering what the intentions of someone were, believe in the most positive and constructive possibility.
In other words, tame your ego. Be empathetic. It's not enough to *believe* someone has been hurtful for their own reasons and not let it bother you, you also have to have the strength to respect them enough to refrain from sharing that with them. That means, like in the waiter example, refraining from saying or intoning "hey, everyone makes mistakes", and simply asking for what you want. If you believe it, you don't have to say it.
(and don't fall for the false positivity that you sometimes see in people, where positivity isn't a way of life or a way of thinking, rather, it is a facade used to deflect criticism and for never having to question one's own choices. It's almost a form of ass kissing.)
posted by gjc at 8:53 AM on May 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Please read the article, because that's not the message. The husband was having a bad time, and she chose to be supportive in the best way she knew, because she loved him. She wasn't going to be a doormat, but rather, chose a sort of "if you love it, let it go free" kind of thing. "Choosing not to believe him" ends up being a metaphor for that. It's pretty clear she believed that's what he felt at the moment, but that she was willing to give it some time to make sure *he* was sure about it.
She didn't forgive his feelings, she simply realized (or decided, or guessed) that he might not have been interpreting his own feelings accurately. Because, jeez, how egotistical is it for someone to forgive someone for feeling a certain way? Forgiveness implies a wrong has occurred. /rant off.
To be truly positive, you simply need to disconnect your emotional response from what the other person has said or done. My emotions and feelings are my own business, and yours are your own, and neither is objectively more important than another. It's not a "whose feelings are more hurt" contest.
Give everyone the benefit of the doubt- if there comes a moment where you find yourself wondering what the intentions of someone were, believe in the most positive and constructive possibility.
In other words, tame your ego. Be empathetic. It's not enough to *believe* someone has been hurtful for their own reasons and not let it bother you, you also have to have the strength to respect them enough to refrain from sharing that with them. That means, like in the waiter example, refraining from saying or intoning "hey, everyone makes mistakes", and simply asking for what you want. If you believe it, you don't have to say it.
(and don't fall for the false positivity that you sometimes see in people, where positivity isn't a way of life or a way of thinking, rather, it is a facade used to deflect criticism and for never having to question one's own choices. It's almost a form of ass kissing.)
posted by gjc at 8:53 AM on May 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you all very much for your answers; I consider them all the best answer. I was able to see the Desmond Tutu interview before it was removed (google search yields other places where video is posted)
gjc... your "If you believe it, you don't have to say it." response gave me yet another perspective and way of viewing things... Thank You!
posted by MrBCID at 8:47 PM on May 20, 2010
gjc... your "If you believe it, you don't have to say it." response gave me yet another perspective and way of viewing things... Thank You!
posted by MrBCID at 8:47 PM on May 20, 2010
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posted by jquinby at 12:15 PM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]