Help me move on.
May 18, 2010 7:08 AM Subscribe
I need to move on after a relationship with this guy for two years. He was the best thing that could happen to anyone. He brought me lost of gifts, treated me well, painted a portrait of me, made me laugh, listened to my problems, etc. In short it was enough to make all of my girlfriends totally jealous. The thing that nobody else knew about was how serious this was really getting. We talked about getting married sometime in the future, about having babies, once we even fought about whether we'd send them to boarding school or not. He had fought with his mother over me(she didn't approve cz my dad is rich and thought he'd never approve).
Then he went to do an MBA and even though we had decided to stay together and wait till he got back, he cheated on me for a month before feeling too guilty to hide it from me. He got wasted to gather the courage to call me and tell me. After that we didnt speak for a couple of months when I told him I could forgive him and wanted to be with him, but he said he'd moved on.
It's been two years since then and I'm still finding it very difficult to move on. I'm young(24), look alright, even though i'm fighting some fat, and have a lifetime ahead of me. I have two problems.
One is that this whole incident left me with no self-worth, feeling really fat and ugly and undesirable. I have no confidence anymore. Even when i do feel attracted to a guy(and it's not very often) I just brush it off thinking he'd never be interested in me. I anyway cannot flirt and have no idea how to express interest since I've only ever had one boyfriend and did not need to flirt with him(knew him from school).
The other problem is that I dont think anybody could love me the way my ex did and if he could cheat on me, somebody who loved me any less could too. Also, somebody i just met couldn't possibly care about me as much as somebody who knew me for two years. So how could any prospective relationship ever match up to this relationship that left me shattered? Simply put, I have trust issues.
After two years I know it's not just gonna go away one fine day and want to do something to stop being so pathetic.
Then he went to do an MBA and even though we had decided to stay together and wait till he got back, he cheated on me for a month before feeling too guilty to hide it from me. He got wasted to gather the courage to call me and tell me. After that we didnt speak for a couple of months when I told him I could forgive him and wanted to be with him, but he said he'd moved on.
It's been two years since then and I'm still finding it very difficult to move on. I'm young(24), look alright, even though i'm fighting some fat, and have a lifetime ahead of me. I have two problems.
One is that this whole incident left me with no self-worth, feeling really fat and ugly and undesirable. I have no confidence anymore. Even when i do feel attracted to a guy(and it's not very often) I just brush it off thinking he'd never be interested in me. I anyway cannot flirt and have no idea how to express interest since I've only ever had one boyfriend and did not need to flirt with him(knew him from school).
The other problem is that I dont think anybody could love me the way my ex did and if he could cheat on me, somebody who loved me any less could too. Also, somebody i just met couldn't possibly care about me as much as somebody who knew me for two years. So how could any prospective relationship ever match up to this relationship that left me shattered? Simply put, I have trust issues.
After two years I know it's not just gonna go away one fine day and want to do something to stop being so pathetic.
It's not you, it's him. Seriously. Sure, you'll spend an eternity thinking about him, and wondering what you did wrong and all the things you could have or should have done or said, blah, blah, blah. We've all been there.
But give it time, and things get better. Try not to think about him if you can. There are so many other people out there, you can't even comprehend it. And, frankly, you're better for it. Whoever is "Mr. Right" for you is not going to be having affairs, regardless of all the other nice things he did for you.
I was with my ex-wife for 15 years when she had an affair; we ultimately got divorced. It was rough.
I like my life much better now.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:22 AM on May 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
But give it time, and things get better. Try not to think about him if you can. There are so many other people out there, you can't even comprehend it. And, frankly, you're better for it. Whoever is "Mr. Right" for you is not going to be having affairs, regardless of all the other nice things he did for you.
I was with my ex-wife for 15 years when she had an affair; we ultimately got divorced. It was rough.
I like my life much better now.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:22 AM on May 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
Blah, blah, blah, counseling. Two years is a long time for the blues.
A few specific things:
Firstly, flirting happens naturally when people are having fun together, so the skills involved are probably not what you think.
Secondly, the forces that drive cheating behavior are larger and more powerful than a cheating individual who gave into them. Forgive him and let him go.
Thirdly, forgive yourself (you didn't do anything wrong but lots of people in your shoes feel they did anyway) and let yourself go. Wisdom comes from experience, experience comes from making mistakes. Allow yourself to make some mistakes.
Lastly, love is large. You can love and be loved by another. Two years isn't so long nor as wonderful (or challenging) as three, four, five, six, ...
posted by wobh at 7:32 AM on May 18, 2010
A few specific things:
Firstly, flirting happens naturally when people are having fun together, so the skills involved are probably not what you think.
Secondly, the forces that drive cheating behavior are larger and more powerful than a cheating individual who gave into them. Forgive him and let him go.
Thirdly, forgive yourself (you didn't do anything wrong but lots of people in your shoes feel they did anyway) and let yourself go. Wisdom comes from experience, experience comes from making mistakes. Allow yourself to make some mistakes.
Lastly, love is large. You can love and be loved by another. Two years isn't so long nor as wonderful (or challenging) as three, four, five, six, ...
posted by wobh at 7:32 AM on May 18, 2010
He was the best thing that could happen to anyone. He brought me lost of gifts, treated me well, painted a portrait of me, made me laugh, listened to my problems, etc. In short it was enough to make all of my girlfriends totally jealous.
This might be totally off-base, but it seems from what you've written here that your relationship with this guy was kind of one-sided. You say he brought you gifts, painted a portrait of you, made your girlfriends jealous.... nothing about the inherent qualities of himself that might have attracted you to him, nothing about his kindness, intelligence, bravery, open-mindedness. Not even a mention of his sense of humor, just that "he made you laugh". Did you make him laugh? Did you find the kind of dirty jokes or bad puns that cracked him up endearing? Do you find yourself wishing, now that you're broken up, that you could send him that funny youtube video you found, because you know it's just the kind of thing that'd make him fall on the floor with laughter?
I'm not saying you didn't feel this for him, just that it's not coming through here. And if it didn't come through to him - if it was never there - than the breakup of your relationship was kind of inevitable. One-sided relationships usually fall apart. It's in the back and forth of deep and solid affection that trust is built on.
This sounds harsh, but it's meant to be uplifting. You might be thinking, he loved me so much to do all of those things for me, but gifts are not a measure of affection. If you can find someone who you are as passionate about as he is about you, then the gifts will seem irrelevant, the giving actions natural and expected and something you do, too.
Again, I may be totally off base here - I don't know you, I don't know him - but this is where the phrasing of your question led me.
posted by shaun uh at 7:32 AM on May 18, 2010 [4 favorites]
This might be totally off-base, but it seems from what you've written here that your relationship with this guy was kind of one-sided. You say he brought you gifts, painted a portrait of you, made your girlfriends jealous.... nothing about the inherent qualities of himself that might have attracted you to him, nothing about his kindness, intelligence, bravery, open-mindedness. Not even a mention of his sense of humor, just that "he made you laugh". Did you make him laugh? Did you find the kind of dirty jokes or bad puns that cracked him up endearing? Do you find yourself wishing, now that you're broken up, that you could send him that funny youtube video you found, because you know it's just the kind of thing that'd make him fall on the floor with laughter?
I'm not saying you didn't feel this for him, just that it's not coming through here. And if it didn't come through to him - if it was never there - than the breakup of your relationship was kind of inevitable. One-sided relationships usually fall apart. It's in the back and forth of deep and solid affection that trust is built on.
This sounds harsh, but it's meant to be uplifting. You might be thinking, he loved me so much to do all of those things for me, but gifts are not a measure of affection. If you can find someone who you are as passionate about as he is about you, then the gifts will seem irrelevant, the giving actions natural and expected and something you do, too.
Again, I may be totally off base here - I don't know you, I don't know him - but this is where the phrasing of your question led me.
posted by shaun uh at 7:32 AM on May 18, 2010 [4 favorites]
Your trust issues are a function of your insecurity and self-worth issues. Deal with those first.
In terms of moving on, what to say? It is a big sea, there are lots of fish. A startling number of people look back on their 22 year old selves and the love lives they had and smile wryly. To some degree, the relationship you had is suffering from the James Dean effect: with the exception of his fling, it never got old, tired, ugly or boring. If you've accepted that it's in your past then leave it there. He's moved on. Realistically, he moved on when he cheated and the problem is that you're not recognising that his behavior (consciously or not) was forcing that outcome.
So: nobody can ever love you the way he did? Of course they can. Lots of people can love you more than he did and amongst other things they could show you that by not shagging someone else.
Onto your attractiveness issues: you can get lots of therapeutic advice about the change needing to be in your head, and positive thinking. And that's all true. If you want to be desirable you've got to get into the mindset that you *are* desirable. This one's a double edged sword for all of us, but also know this: you're likely a much better looking now than your future self + years. If you could speak to your future self she'd probably chide you for being so down about your looks.
But for a cheap and easy shortcut, here's a pro tip: sweat.
Sweat: if you get some exercise you'll feel better. I'm not telling you to lose weight or shape up. I'm saying that the act of exerting yourself moderately and trying to get fitter will make you feel better about yourself. It just will.
Anyway, best of luck.
posted by MuffinMan at 7:32 AM on May 18, 2010
In terms of moving on, what to say? It is a big sea, there are lots of fish. A startling number of people look back on their 22 year old selves and the love lives they had and smile wryly. To some degree, the relationship you had is suffering from the James Dean effect: with the exception of his fling, it never got old, tired, ugly or boring. If you've accepted that it's in your past then leave it there. He's moved on. Realistically, he moved on when he cheated and the problem is that you're not recognising that his behavior (consciously or not) was forcing that outcome.
So: nobody can ever love you the way he did? Of course they can. Lots of people can love you more than he did and amongst other things they could show you that by not shagging someone else.
Onto your attractiveness issues: you can get lots of therapeutic advice about the change needing to be in your head, and positive thinking. And that's all true. If you want to be desirable you've got to get into the mindset that you *are* desirable. This one's a double edged sword for all of us, but also know this: you're likely a much better looking now than your future self + years. If you could speak to your future self she'd probably chide you for being so down about your looks.
But for a cheap and easy shortcut, here's a pro tip: sweat.
Sweat: if you get some exercise you'll feel better. I'm not telling you to lose weight or shape up. I'm saying that the act of exerting yourself moderately and trying to get fitter will make you feel better about yourself. It just will.
Anyway, best of luck.
posted by MuffinMan at 7:32 AM on May 18, 2010
He was the best thing that could happen to anyone.
No he wasn't. It's clear from what you have said that he wasn't even close. Re-evaluate what you wrote above and get into your head that this guy is not worth it. He is not the only person who can make you happy.
posted by fire&wings at 7:35 AM on May 18, 2010 [8 favorites]
No he wasn't. It's clear from what you have said that he wasn't even close. Re-evaluate what you wrote above and get into your head that this guy is not worth it. He is not the only person who can make you happy.
posted by fire&wings at 7:35 AM on May 18, 2010 [8 favorites]
One is that this whole incident left me with no self-worth, feeling really fat and ugly and undesirable.
6 years into my first marriage my husband cheated on me, and it took a very long time to get over feeling like I was worthless. It's 7 years later, and I finally feel like I light up rooms again. Like Admiral Haddock said, it's him. The Mr Right that's right for you isn't going to cheat on you.
As more time goes by, it gets easier. Remember that it was your first serious relationship, and you are still young. The only real advice I have is to really try to find a way to celebrate who you are and try not to dwell on what could have made it better.
posted by Zophi at 7:37 AM on May 18, 2010
6 years into my first marriage my husband cheated on me, and it took a very long time to get over feeling like I was worthless. It's 7 years later, and I finally feel like I light up rooms again. Like Admiral Haddock said, it's him. The Mr Right that's right for you isn't going to cheat on you.
As more time goes by, it gets easier. Remember that it was your first serious relationship, and you are still young. The only real advice I have is to really try to find a way to celebrate who you are and try not to dwell on what could have made it better.
posted by Zophi at 7:37 AM on May 18, 2010
You know all those things that the perfect boyfriend would do? Do them for yourself. Cook yourself nice dinners and set them out nicely with a glass of wine, buy (or pick) flowers for your apartment, book yourself in for a massage when you've had a stressful week, sit at the beach at sunset, run a bubble bath, rug up with a blanket and some popcorn in front of a DVD at home, take ballroom dancing lessons, whatever! Treat yourself like someone who deserves to be treated well - because you do. The trust thing is hard and I'm in the same boat after a similar experience. But trust yourself to do the right thing by yourself, that's important. And your relationship with yourself - that's the most important and longest one you'll ever have so take care of that first and foremost.
Another thing - find the cutest baby/toddler photo of yourself you can. Keep it somewhere at your house. Remember who you are - you'd never tell that little girl that she's worthless, fat, ugly or undesirable.
This is your life happening right now. You can count on yourself, you can be happy by yourself, you can have a sweet life by yourself - relationships are just an add-on. You were ok before you met him and you'll be ok afterwards too. Enjoy yourself - why not?
posted by Chrysalis at 7:37 AM on May 18, 2010 [16 favorites]
Another thing - find the cutest baby/toddler photo of yourself you can. Keep it somewhere at your house. Remember who you are - you'd never tell that little girl that she's worthless, fat, ugly or undesirable.
This is your life happening right now. You can count on yourself, you can be happy by yourself, you can have a sweet life by yourself - relationships are just an add-on. You were ok before you met him and you'll be ok afterwards too. Enjoy yourself - why not?
posted by Chrysalis at 7:37 AM on May 18, 2010 [16 favorites]
When someone we love hurts us deeply, like, really chips away at the foundation of our self-esteem, we often get snagged in that hurt. We keep circling around the site of the pain and we read meaning where there isn't - to the point where we let someone else's selfishness and deviousness cast judgment on us and our self-worth. You're so caught up in the pain of that break-up that it feels like the only way to get over this is for that guy (a guy who cheated on you for a month!) to show up at your doorstep and say, "Hey, anonymous! I'm so sorry for cheating on you and breaking up with you, because I've realized you're smart and beautiful and worth far more than what I valued you."
Cheating is an especially debilitating pain to overcome because you feel like someone threw you away, that there was a crossroads they passed where they could have opted to spare your feelings and treat you better, but they passed on. Why did they do it? It seems so inexplicable that you start thinking that maybe it was partly your fault. I'm sorry you had to cope with that grief alone, but since you've finally asked this question two years later, consider this day to be your point of departure. Consider this day, the day where you questioned the provenance of your feelings of worthlessness, to be important.
That guy is never going to come back and invalidate your feelings of worthlessness. He's gone, and you just have yourself left. And yes, someday someone will make you really happy and treat you the way you deserve, but before then you're going to have to rebuild your own sense of worth. You will first realize that your ex-boyfriend was actually a really bad boyfriend, and that you're a lot better off without him. Leading from there, you'll see how his cheating says absolutely nothing about your personhood. Then you will start to yourself apart from this break-up, different because of it but not irreparably damaged.
Therapy is a very good resource to help you through this, but god, even just reaching out to a friend or a parent can work wonders. Sometimes it's incredibly liberating to tell someone else, "Because of that break-up, I have felt worthless for so long, and I don't want to feel like that anymore." It will sound a little irrational even then, a little untrue even when it still feels true.
You'll get better. Good luck.
posted by zoomorphic at 8:08 AM on May 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
Cheating is an especially debilitating pain to overcome because you feel like someone threw you away, that there was a crossroads they passed where they could have opted to spare your feelings and treat you better, but they passed on. Why did they do it? It seems so inexplicable that you start thinking that maybe it was partly your fault. I'm sorry you had to cope with that grief alone, but since you've finally asked this question two years later, consider this day to be your point of departure. Consider this day, the day where you questioned the provenance of your feelings of worthlessness, to be important.
That guy is never going to come back and invalidate your feelings of worthlessness. He's gone, and you just have yourself left. And yes, someday someone will make you really happy and treat you the way you deserve, but before then you're going to have to rebuild your own sense of worth. You will first realize that your ex-boyfriend was actually a really bad boyfriend, and that you're a lot better off without him. Leading from there, you'll see how his cheating says absolutely nothing about your personhood. Then you will start to yourself apart from this break-up, different because of it but not irreparably damaged.
Therapy is a very good resource to help you through this, but god, even just reaching out to a friend or a parent can work wonders. Sometimes it's incredibly liberating to tell someone else, "Because of that break-up, I have felt worthless for so long, and I don't want to feel like that anymore." It will sound a little irrational even then, a little untrue even when it still feels true.
You'll get better. Good luck.
posted by zoomorphic at 8:08 AM on May 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
Grand gifts and grand plans isn't love.
Love is when you're fed up and pissed off with your partner, they're on your very last nerve, and you can't possibly imagine being with anyone else... and when they feel the same way about you when you're on their last nerve.
posted by Slap*Happy at 8:21 AM on May 18, 2010 [4 favorites]
Love is when you're fed up and pissed off with your partner, they're on your very last nerve, and you can't possibly imagine being with anyone else... and when they feel the same way about you when you're on their last nerve.
posted by Slap*Happy at 8:21 AM on May 18, 2010 [4 favorites]
One is that this whole incident left me with no self-worth, feeling really fat and ugly and undesirable.
This is 100% inside your own head. When someone you love hurts you, it does not mean that you deserved it or that you are worthless, it means that they are not treating you the way they should. Don't let the negative actions of other people influence your self-worth, be who you want to be and keep positive people in your life.
Also, somebody i just met couldn't possibly care about me as much as somebody who knew me for two years. So how could any prospective relationship ever match up to this relationship that left me shattered?
Look at the big picture. You're 24, and this relationship only lasted two years. I know it seems like a big deal now, but this was just one relationship in a lifetime of relationships. Yes, it takes a while for bonds to form between people, but you have plenty of time to meet new people. Don't be afraid to live your life just because you've been hurt before.
posted by burnmp3s at 8:25 AM on May 18, 2010
This is 100% inside your own head. When someone you love hurts you, it does not mean that you deserved it or that you are worthless, it means that they are not treating you the way they should. Don't let the negative actions of other people influence your self-worth, be who you want to be and keep positive people in your life.
Also, somebody i just met couldn't possibly care about me as much as somebody who knew me for two years. So how could any prospective relationship ever match up to this relationship that left me shattered?
Look at the big picture. You're 24, and this relationship only lasted two years. I know it seems like a big deal now, but this was just one relationship in a lifetime of relationships. Yes, it takes a while for bonds to form between people, but you have plenty of time to meet new people. Don't be afraid to live your life just because you've been hurt before.
posted by burnmp3s at 8:25 AM on May 18, 2010
Some men are more into grand gestures and Romance and the idea of love than they are into actually understanding and truly knowing and loving a real person.
(Some women are probably like this too, but my own observations happen to be more about the dudes.)
posted by amtho at 8:42 AM on May 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
(Some women are probably like this too, but my own observations happen to be more about the dudes.)
posted by amtho at 8:42 AM on May 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
Quickest way to get over someone is to see someone else. Even if for the wrong reasons, and only short-lived, the fact that you've been together with another person breaks the link that binds you to your ex.
posted by Biru at 9:26 AM on May 18, 2010
posted by Biru at 9:26 AM on May 18, 2010
Sorry you feel so bad. People do cheat and/or move on. Often cheating is merely the prelude to moving on. The crux for you seems to be that "this whole incident left me with no self-worth, feeling really fat and ugly and undesirable." I don't think there's an easy way out of that corner. Yes, someone else, when they come along (as they will) will help you get over this particular man and make you realise that you are indeed desirable. But in general you need to stop interpreting your partner's behaviour as a reflection of your worth. People have their own agendas, their own life-trajectories. For example, the guy that loved you and left you will likely as not plough through another several girlfriends before he settles down, if he settles down at all. He'll likely as not cheat on some of them as well. In other words, the need to cheat came from inside him, not from you.
posted by londongeezer at 9:39 AM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by londongeezer at 9:39 AM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
somebody i just met couldn't possibly care about me as much as somebody who knew me for two years.
Just remember that different stages of a relationship have different awesome aspects. Two years in is great because you really know the person and they really know you. But zero days in is exciting and exhilarating. You get to unravel the mystery of another person. The best part is, if the person isn't right for you, you get to do the detective thing over and over again and hone your skills.
posted by nomad at 10:10 AM on May 18, 2010
Just remember that different stages of a relationship have different awesome aspects. Two years in is great because you really know the person and they really know you. But zero days in is exciting and exhilarating. You get to unravel the mystery of another person. The best part is, if the person isn't right for you, you get to do the detective thing over and over again and hone your skills.
posted by nomad at 10:10 AM on May 18, 2010
Best piece of advice I ever got from a friend about a failed relationship: "If you were that happy with someone it didn't work out with, imagine how happy you will be with someone you are meant to be with"
I'm paraphrasing but you get the point.
posted by eatcake at 10:14 AM on May 18, 2010 [6 favorites]
I'm paraphrasing but you get the point.
posted by eatcake at 10:14 AM on May 18, 2010 [6 favorites]
It's not all inside your head. It's not him, it is you.
But first, I'm sorry. As people have said above, and as you surely realize, this guy wasn't all that. The point is, no guy is. Allow me to respond to / read into some specific things in your post:
He was the best thing that could happen to anyone.
If you think that that (not the cheating, but when you were together and he was wonderful) is the best thing that can happen to anyone, you need to go out and see a lot more about the how good it can get, how good you can feel, how much goodness is possible.
He brought me lost of gifts, treated me well, painted a portrait of me, made me laugh, listened to my problems, etc. Translation: he made you feel like you meant something to someone; he made you feel fulfilled.
In short it was enough to make all of my girlfriends totally jealous.
In short, he made your girlfriends jealous? See above.
The thing that nobody else knew about was how serious this was really getting. We talked about getting married sometime in the future, about having babies, once we even fought about whether we'd send them to boarding school or not....I anyway cannot flirt and have no idea how to express interest since I've only ever had one boyfriend and did not need to flirt with him(knew him from school).
If no one else knew that (including your jealous girlfriends), then a lot of it was probably in your head. A lot of people in relationships have hypothetical arguments like this because they're a lot of fun, they allow two people to get to know each other better and to participate in each other's fantasies (and indulge their own). The future is a fiction, and the fiction two people together create a very delicate and powerful thing. I understand - see below - the appeal of it, and how hard it is to let go of. You can vest it with all the seriousness you want, but it wasn't that serious for him; he simply would not have cheated on you if it were. The courage that he needed to call (call? way to get your courage on, guy) you and tell you that he had been cheating on you for a month? Because he knew that it was and had been serious for you. Want further proof that he wasn't anywhere near as invested in this as you were? After that we didnt speak for a couple of months when I told him I could forgive him and wanted to be with him, but he said he'd moved on. You've been been missing him for two years.
There are two points I want to make. First, be wary of romance. My theory is that romance is not really something two people create together; it's the way romantic people express themselves. He was clearly a romantic doer (he made a portrait of you for Chrissake) and I would bet anything that this kind of behavior just came very easily to him. It really does, for some people. And it's behavior that gets rewarded so handsomely in a relationship - it makes the other person, especially if they're needy, so happy and appreciative, and it makes their girlfriends, if they're a woman, so jealous. Movies package romantic behavior and its reward as romance and happiness, but sometimes it's just one person doing what comes naturally to them (or even just playing out their own movies-created fantasy of being in a good relationship) and the other person assuming that romance = success in a relationship = happiness you can depend on = best feeling ever. I suspect that it wasn't so much that he was the best thing to ever happen to you, but that the feelings you felt when you were in that relationship and were being romanced (for the first time, at that) the best you've ever felt.
If that's the case - no, your current feelings of worthlessness are not just all in your head, at least no more than any other thing you think/feel is all in your head. What I mean is, that feeling is real and it matters. The solution just isn't to find a better man or a better relationship... the solution is to find yourself.
I'm surprised that you don't mention feeling surprised at his cheating. If it was so serious and he was so romantic and if these things mean what you thought they meant, weren't you baffled? How do you go from being so together to cheating on your partner for a month? Seriously, a relationship can make you happy, and it can make you feel good ... but if you're going to be nothing without it, or think nothing of yourself if your partner leaves you - you're looking for wrong things in a relationship.
I mentioned the word needy, above. I didn't mean that as a put-down; most of us are needy youngsters. It takes time and a lot of hard work to find fulfillment in yourself; to be self-contained and think well of yourself and figure out what gives you true worth. A good relationship is not a short-cut to all that hard work - it's what keeps you going through that, it's what fits in well with that, and often, it's what comes after that.
Which brings me to my second point (just in case it isn't obvious): stop looking for happiness or meaning in how guys respond to you or don't. Focus on yourself. Do things that make you happy. Figure out what makes you happy and get good at it. Do anything that helps you figure out who you are. Do. You.
And when a relationship does materialize (and they do just that), don't stop doing the above. Hell, never stop doing the above. Self-worth really isn't a noun.
Because let me tell you the best case scenario of the relationship you haven't gotten over. It happened to me: two romantic people - not romantic in the same ways but enough to really get each other and make each other feel very good (in conversations, in bed, in gestures and among friends and all the rest of it) - who really were serious about each other and thought they had found the best thing ever in each other. That romance was the highlight of the first quarter century of my life (sounds pathetic, to use your word, but I think you'll understand where I'm coming from) ... until we came, slowly and rather blindly, to a point where it just wasn't enough. I came to it first; he came to it later - but it happened to both of us. We got boring, and bored, and co-dependent, and undeniably unfulfilled. We broke up in a very confused and closure-less way; he read a world of hurt into something insignificant I had done just like we would read the world into each other's romantic gestures and outpourings. So even though it was confused, thanks to his hurt (and then my anger), it stuck. And, a fair while after we broke up, it finally made more sense than anything, any of the romance and feel goodery, that had happened in the entirety of that relationship. I understood why breaking up had never even seemed possible until it suddenly seemed inevitable.
And it's been even longer since, but I am still single and increasingly happier. Fuck happy, I'm more excited about my life and more comfortable with myself than I've ever been. As for love: I have learned not to worry about love; but to honor its coming with all my heart.
posted by mondaygreens at 10:38 AM on May 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
But first, I'm sorry. As people have said above, and as you surely realize, this guy wasn't all that. The point is, no guy is. Allow me to respond to / read into some specific things in your post:
He was the best thing that could happen to anyone.
If you think that that (not the cheating, but when you were together and he was wonderful) is the best thing that can happen to anyone, you need to go out and see a lot more about the how good it can get, how good you can feel, how much goodness is possible.
He brought me lost of gifts, treated me well, painted a portrait of me, made me laugh, listened to my problems, etc. Translation: he made you feel like you meant something to someone; he made you feel fulfilled.
In short it was enough to make all of my girlfriends totally jealous.
In short, he made your girlfriends jealous? See above.
The thing that nobody else knew about was how serious this was really getting. We talked about getting married sometime in the future, about having babies, once we even fought about whether we'd send them to boarding school or not....I anyway cannot flirt and have no idea how to express interest since I've only ever had one boyfriend and did not need to flirt with him(knew him from school).
If no one else knew that (including your jealous girlfriends), then a lot of it was probably in your head. A lot of people in relationships have hypothetical arguments like this because they're a lot of fun, they allow two people to get to know each other better and to participate in each other's fantasies (and indulge their own). The future is a fiction, and the fiction two people together create a very delicate and powerful thing. I understand - see below - the appeal of it, and how hard it is to let go of. You can vest it with all the seriousness you want, but it wasn't that serious for him; he simply would not have cheated on you if it were. The courage that he needed to call (call? way to get your courage on, guy) you and tell you that he had been cheating on you for a month? Because he knew that it was and had been serious for you. Want further proof that he wasn't anywhere near as invested in this as you were? After that we didnt speak for a couple of months when I told him I could forgive him and wanted to be with him, but he said he'd moved on. You've been been missing him for two years.
There are two points I want to make. First, be wary of romance. My theory is that romance is not really something two people create together; it's the way romantic people express themselves. He was clearly a romantic doer (he made a portrait of you for Chrissake) and I would bet anything that this kind of behavior just came very easily to him. It really does, for some people. And it's behavior that gets rewarded so handsomely in a relationship - it makes the other person, especially if they're needy, so happy and appreciative, and it makes their girlfriends, if they're a woman, so jealous. Movies package romantic behavior and its reward as romance and happiness, but sometimes it's just one person doing what comes naturally to them (or even just playing out their own movies-created fantasy of being in a good relationship) and the other person assuming that romance = success in a relationship = happiness you can depend on = best feeling ever. I suspect that it wasn't so much that he was the best thing to ever happen to you, but that the feelings you felt when you were in that relationship and were being romanced (for the first time, at that) the best you've ever felt.
If that's the case - no, your current feelings of worthlessness are not just all in your head, at least no more than any other thing you think/feel is all in your head. What I mean is, that feeling is real and it matters. The solution just isn't to find a better man or a better relationship... the solution is to find yourself.
I'm surprised that you don't mention feeling surprised at his cheating. If it was so serious and he was so romantic and if these things mean what you thought they meant, weren't you baffled? How do you go from being so together to cheating on your partner for a month? Seriously, a relationship can make you happy, and it can make you feel good ... but if you're going to be nothing without it, or think nothing of yourself if your partner leaves you - you're looking for wrong things in a relationship.
I mentioned the word needy, above. I didn't mean that as a put-down; most of us are needy youngsters. It takes time and a lot of hard work to find fulfillment in yourself; to be self-contained and think well of yourself and figure out what gives you true worth. A good relationship is not a short-cut to all that hard work - it's what keeps you going through that, it's what fits in well with that, and often, it's what comes after that.
Which brings me to my second point (just in case it isn't obvious): stop looking for happiness or meaning in how guys respond to you or don't. Focus on yourself. Do things that make you happy. Figure out what makes you happy and get good at it. Do anything that helps you figure out who you are. Do. You.
And when a relationship does materialize (and they do just that), don't stop doing the above. Hell, never stop doing the above. Self-worth really isn't a noun.
Because let me tell you the best case scenario of the relationship you haven't gotten over. It happened to me: two romantic people - not romantic in the same ways but enough to really get each other and make each other feel very good (in conversations, in bed, in gestures and among friends and all the rest of it) - who really were serious about each other and thought they had found the best thing ever in each other. That romance was the highlight of the first quarter century of my life (sounds pathetic, to use your word, but I think you'll understand where I'm coming from) ... until we came, slowly and rather blindly, to a point where it just wasn't enough. I came to it first; he came to it later - but it happened to both of us. We got boring, and bored, and co-dependent, and undeniably unfulfilled. We broke up in a very confused and closure-less way; he read a world of hurt into something insignificant I had done just like we would read the world into each other's romantic gestures and outpourings. So even though it was confused, thanks to his hurt (and then my anger), it stuck. And, a fair while after we broke up, it finally made more sense than anything, any of the romance and feel goodery, that had happened in the entirety of that relationship. I understood why breaking up had never even seemed possible until it suddenly seemed inevitable.
And it's been even longer since, but I am still single and increasingly happier. Fuck happy, I'm more excited about my life and more comfortable with myself than I've ever been. As for love: I have learned not to worry about love; but to honor its coming with all my heart.
posted by mondaygreens at 10:38 AM on May 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
I really only have two small things to say:
One is that this whole incident left me with no self-worth, feeling really fat and ugly and undesirable.
If this guy was really as fantastic as you claim, you should note that you were in a relationship with him for two years and it was only when he wasn't physically with you any more that he cheated. If you were fat and ugly and undesirable, why would he have been with you for two years, and why would not seeing you every day be the thing that made him leave?
People break up/move on for lots of reasons, and sometimes really fantastic people get left behind through no fault of their own. This likely wasn't really about your shortcomings, but rather that (assuming he was really that great) other people nearly as wonderful as you also wanted to date him, and he was near them instead of near you, and he went with it.
The other problem is that I dont think anybody could love me the way my ex did and if he could cheat on me, somebody who loved me any less could too.
The way he treated you is not the same thing as the way he loved (and respected) you. He did lots of really nice things for you, when it was easy to do them, but in a situation where doing the right thing required actual sacrifice and effort, he failed. It is in those moments of sacrifice and effort that we discover who our friends and loved ones really are -- the rest of the time, when it's easy, the worst people can seem like the best just by giving you the things you want.
In short, you may or may not find someone who treats you the way he did (other than the cheating, obviously) but given that he did cheat on you, it's likely you will find someone else -- probably lots of someones -- who love you and respect you more. So keep that in mind.
posted by davejay at 3:00 PM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
One is that this whole incident left me with no self-worth, feeling really fat and ugly and undesirable.
If this guy was really as fantastic as you claim, you should note that you were in a relationship with him for two years and it was only when he wasn't physically with you any more that he cheated. If you were fat and ugly and undesirable, why would he have been with you for two years, and why would not seeing you every day be the thing that made him leave?
People break up/move on for lots of reasons, and sometimes really fantastic people get left behind through no fault of their own. This likely wasn't really about your shortcomings, but rather that (assuming he was really that great) other people nearly as wonderful as you also wanted to date him, and he was near them instead of near you, and he went with it.
The other problem is that I dont think anybody could love me the way my ex did and if he could cheat on me, somebody who loved me any less could too.
The way he treated you is not the same thing as the way he loved (and respected) you. He did lots of really nice things for you, when it was easy to do them, but in a situation where doing the right thing required actual sacrifice and effort, he failed. It is in those moments of sacrifice and effort that we discover who our friends and loved ones really are -- the rest of the time, when it's easy, the worst people can seem like the best just by giving you the things you want.
In short, you may or may not find someone who treats you the way he did (other than the cheating, obviously) but given that he did cheat on you, it's likely you will find someone else -- probably lots of someones -- who love you and respect you more. So keep that in mind.
posted by davejay at 3:00 PM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
do not put this guy on a pedestal. i've had some good boyfriends, but none of them were great and none were worth prince charming status...why? because i don't need a prince charming. just because he was a good guy to you, catering to your needs, in no way, shape or form, mean he is the ONLY guy that could ever give you that. i worry, because i was once in your position, that your doubt about being loved again is part of a deep-seeded issue relating to personal insecurities. you cannot expect to have someone love you unless you love yourself in such a manner. we've all heard it before, but it could not be more true. and once you love yourself wholeheartedly, finding someone who loves you just as much will not include the need to have them love you "just as much" as the last guy
posted by penguingrl at 12:00 AM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by penguingrl at 12:00 AM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
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posted by ChicagoTherapyConnection at 7:15 AM on May 18, 2010