I am not acting type A anymore. This bothers me. Is it a problem?
May 17, 2010 7:54 PM Subscribe
Has anyone taken an extended break of from ambition and life? Was this a good thing?
After a few stressful academic years, I am now in a graduate program (in a country away from my home country) that I really enjoy. It's pretty unstructured and I have a lot of free time.
I'm doing something strange though, that I'm not sure I understand. I'm spending a lot of time alone. I love open, unscheduled blocks of time (and have lots of them), and spend them surfing the web, taking walks, going shopping, and cooking for myself. I love having an open weekend with nothing to do, and I often spend it... doing nothing at all. I'm friendly with people, but I haven't tried to make any friends. I turn down most social invitations, and don't follow up with anyone.)
I get the work done for my program, but I'm not going over and beyond like I usually do. I'm not volunteering to lead three committees or writing extra articles. I signed up for an extra project, but no one seems to be doing anything about it, and I'm not trying to press it forward. I'm behind on 100 (non-urgent) emails, and not following up.
I'm not dating anyone, and not too upset about it. I miss my ex a bit, but I'm getting over it. I had a brief fling but wasn't that sad when it ended. I'm not making professional plans or doing a million things at once like I did in the past, and I'm not sure why. I just like cocooning. It feels like taking a long drink of water after a thirsty afternoon, or taking a long, deep breath.
I have lots of dreams for my future: I want to find a special someone, make lots of money, explore various kinds of art, improve my appearance, travel all over the world... and I was a very structured, goal-oriented person who would plan every weekend for maximum impact, either professionally or "checking off" activities: all errands done during the day, three parties on Saturday night, a hike on Sunday, extra work on a project on Sunday night. I used to be that work hard/play hard person that everyone wonders how they do it, but I'm not acting that way anymore.
But I'm concerned because I'm not making any effort towards my goals. I'm just drifting along, wasting lots of time, and occasionally feeling bad about it.
I'm not sure if this is:
- Circumstantial: I came to this country not knowing anyone, and haven't really tried to make friends, so I'm alone a lot. There aren't a lot of opportunities for extra work here. So maybe I'm doing nothing because I'm not reaching out for opportunities or making any of them.
- Chemical: Maybe I'm depressed or have low thyroid? I don't feel sad, in fact, I feel pretty good. I am very content on a daily basis. I sleep a lot, but not too much. I don't dread getting up in the morning -- I just laze around for hours before I do it. Skin looks ok, hair is good, probably not thyroid.
- Laziness: Maybe I'm just a lazy person, and have been pressured to act type A by intense academic environments. I don't like this option. I want to do things! I want to change the world! But maybe I'm not a self-starter. This makes my ego hurt.
- A sign of intense personal growth and rejuvenation - This feels right to me, but perhaps a cop out?
Other details:
- mid 20s female
- ADD, not regularly medicated (stimulants make me feel great when I use them occasionally, but don't like to take them regularly (perhaps haven't found the right combo)
- verbally and physically abusive family background (not relevant necessarily, but always like to mention it)
- history of depression, anxiety, and PTSD from my family background
Question:
- Will I ever be motivated and type A again? Am a lazy person?
- Has anyone else had this kind of experience?
- What was it like for you and how did it end? How did you come out of it?
After a few stressful academic years, I am now in a graduate program (in a country away from my home country) that I really enjoy. It's pretty unstructured and I have a lot of free time.
I'm doing something strange though, that I'm not sure I understand. I'm spending a lot of time alone. I love open, unscheduled blocks of time (and have lots of them), and spend them surfing the web, taking walks, going shopping, and cooking for myself. I love having an open weekend with nothing to do, and I often spend it... doing nothing at all. I'm friendly with people, but I haven't tried to make any friends. I turn down most social invitations, and don't follow up with anyone.)
I get the work done for my program, but I'm not going over and beyond like I usually do. I'm not volunteering to lead three committees or writing extra articles. I signed up for an extra project, but no one seems to be doing anything about it, and I'm not trying to press it forward. I'm behind on 100 (non-urgent) emails, and not following up.
I'm not dating anyone, and not too upset about it. I miss my ex a bit, but I'm getting over it. I had a brief fling but wasn't that sad when it ended. I'm not making professional plans or doing a million things at once like I did in the past, and I'm not sure why. I just like cocooning. It feels like taking a long drink of water after a thirsty afternoon, or taking a long, deep breath.
I have lots of dreams for my future: I want to find a special someone, make lots of money, explore various kinds of art, improve my appearance, travel all over the world... and I was a very structured, goal-oriented person who would plan every weekend for maximum impact, either professionally or "checking off" activities: all errands done during the day, three parties on Saturday night, a hike on Sunday, extra work on a project on Sunday night. I used to be that work hard/play hard person that everyone wonders how they do it, but I'm not acting that way anymore.
But I'm concerned because I'm not making any effort towards my goals. I'm just drifting along, wasting lots of time, and occasionally feeling bad about it.
I'm not sure if this is:
- Circumstantial: I came to this country not knowing anyone, and haven't really tried to make friends, so I'm alone a lot. There aren't a lot of opportunities for extra work here. So maybe I'm doing nothing because I'm not reaching out for opportunities or making any of them.
- Chemical: Maybe I'm depressed or have low thyroid? I don't feel sad, in fact, I feel pretty good. I am very content on a daily basis. I sleep a lot, but not too much. I don't dread getting up in the morning -- I just laze around for hours before I do it. Skin looks ok, hair is good, probably not thyroid.
- Laziness: Maybe I'm just a lazy person, and have been pressured to act type A by intense academic environments. I don't like this option. I want to do things! I want to change the world! But maybe I'm not a self-starter. This makes my ego hurt.
- A sign of intense personal growth and rejuvenation - This feels right to me, but perhaps a cop out?
Other details:
- mid 20s female
- ADD, not regularly medicated (stimulants make me feel great when I use them occasionally, but don't like to take them regularly (perhaps haven't found the right combo)
- verbally and physically abusive family background (not relevant necessarily, but always like to mention it)
- history of depression, anxiety, and PTSD from my family background
Question:
- Will I ever be motivated and type A again? Am a lazy person?
- Has anyone else had this kind of experience?
- What was it like for you and how did it end? How did you come out of it?
If you're lazy, I'm lazy. You are allowed to live this way and there's nothing wrong with it. Today was my day off work, and I read books and watched TV and made pizza with my roommates. It ruled. Of course I also do well in school and go to parties and have dreams and ambitions of my own, as you do... but sometimes it's NICE to do nothing. Why do you have to always be Doing Something?
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:19 PM on May 17, 2010
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:19 PM on May 17, 2010
Since I stopped worying about what I thought I would or should enjoy, and started focussing on what I actually enjoy, I have - aside from the occasional pang of over achiever guilt - felt much, much happier, been healthier, etc. etc.
Forget the dreams, focus on what you want and can do in the next six months. Grandiose dreams lead to crippling paralysis and thwarted expectations. Slow and steady is great.
Do what you want, life's not a race, you don't gets points for winning, and worse; no one cares.
posted by smoke at 8:30 PM on May 17, 2010 [13 favorites]
Forget the dreams, focus on what you want and can do in the next six months. Grandiose dreams lead to crippling paralysis and thwarted expectations. Slow and steady is great.
Do what you want, life's not a race, you don't gets points for winning, and worse; no one cares.
posted by smoke at 8:30 PM on May 17, 2010 [13 favorites]
The "Protestant Work Ethic" is the number one source of unhappiness ( and unused vacation days) in middle class America today. Fuck it, man, as long as you're keeping up the basic obligations, enjoy some vegetative time.
posted by notsnot at 8:31 PM on May 17, 2010 [18 favorites]
posted by notsnot at 8:31 PM on May 17, 2010 [18 favorites]
i long for periods like this. i am in a period that is decidedly not like this, and i want my life back. i can think of worse ways to spend your 20s. when things start to get complicated, (and i suppose that's not a given, but) you'll be glad you did.
what jumps out at me here is the bit about not being a self starter but wanting to change the world. i can't quite put my finger on it, but something in there is important. all of the signs are here for transformation, something you are hinting at.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 8:38 PM on May 17, 2010
what jumps out at me here is the bit about not being a self starter but wanting to change the world. i can't quite put my finger on it, but something in there is important. all of the signs are here for transformation, something you are hinting at.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 8:38 PM on May 17, 2010
I was never so contented as the day I realized that I have little to no ambition, and accepted that. My life has become much more about the pursuit of happiness than the pursuit of the almighty dollar or career success or some other external measure.
There are still things in life that require work, but are worth the effort: good health, helping others, raising a good family. Take good care of yourself and others in your life, and don't worry too much about the rest. It won't mean a thing in 100 years.
Sounds to me like you've had an epiphany! You're still taking care of your obligations, so don't sweat it.
posted by wwartorff at 8:43 PM on May 17, 2010 [4 favorites]
There are still things in life that require work, but are worth the effort: good health, helping others, raising a good family. Take good care of yourself and others in your life, and don't worry too much about the rest. It won't mean a thing in 100 years.
Sounds to me like you've had an epiphany! You're still taking care of your obligations, so don't sweat it.
posted by wwartorff at 8:43 PM on May 17, 2010 [4 favorites]
Oh shoot, you're not kicking yourself over something today, so you feel the need to kick yourself over not kicking yourself enough. Stop kicking yourself and just enjoy feeling nice. You'll get through this grad program and then maybe once you have a million obligations you'll jump up and get to it. But for now, enjoy what you have.
posted by amethysts at 8:59 PM on May 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by amethysts at 8:59 PM on May 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
Will I ever be motivated and type A again? Am a lazy person?
There's a vast difference between being a motivated person and a stereotypical "Type A" person. The former is often inspiring; the latter usually just ends up irritating a lot of people. And if you have to ask, you're probably not a lazy person. More fundamentally, though, who cares if you are? If it's working out, why does it matter?
goal-oriented person who would plan every weekend for maximum impact
I don't mean to be rude, and I'm certainly not trying to cause offense, but you seem to be really high-strung. You planned a set number of parties on the weekend? I'm not saying that's bad, but from my admittedly "Type B" perspective, the fun weekends kind of just...happen. Among a few guys who come up with things in the moment, "Hey, you want to get baseball tickets and sit in the cheap seats?" or "Come on over and let's drink a few beers on the porch" are completely typical invitations.
And to be honest, you still seem to be "Type A" - it comes through in your question. You haven't lost the "Type A" traits - to my eye, they're still there. You're enjoying yourself, you're in school, and you have tons of free time. What exactly is the problem here? Stop fretting about perceived "laziness" and enjoy this phase before it passes and you have to work full-time in an uncertain, uncaring world. I'm not trying to diminish your problem, but it is a problem of affluence. Billions of people in this world are slaving away trying to make ends meet, and they would love to have free time to relax and pursue their interests.
Who are you trying to impress? The harsh reality is that, aside from your mother and your grandmother, the universe probably doesn't give a shit. Be nice to your family, make and keep good, close friends, and improvise. The sooner you realize that nothing ever goes according to plan, the sooner you'll find that a "Type A" outlook is damaging to your health and your sanity. It's built on the illusion that you can control everything - in reality, human beings have much less control over things than we care to admit. Learn to let go and try to the best of your ability to be a happy, thoughtful, kind person. The rat race is a futile endeavor.
I hope I did not come off too harshly - that was not my intent. I have a sister who was once very similar to the way you describe yourself. She ultimately had a colossal burnout, which was painful at the time but which served to help her realign her priorities.
posted by Despondent_Monkey at 9:13 PM on May 17, 2010 [7 favorites]
There's a vast difference between being a motivated person and a stereotypical "Type A" person. The former is often inspiring; the latter usually just ends up irritating a lot of people. And if you have to ask, you're probably not a lazy person. More fundamentally, though, who cares if you are? If it's working out, why does it matter?
goal-oriented person who would plan every weekend for maximum impact
I don't mean to be rude, and I'm certainly not trying to cause offense, but you seem to be really high-strung. You planned a set number of parties on the weekend? I'm not saying that's bad, but from my admittedly "Type B" perspective, the fun weekends kind of just...happen. Among a few guys who come up with things in the moment, "Hey, you want to get baseball tickets and sit in the cheap seats?" or "Come on over and let's drink a few beers on the porch" are completely typical invitations.
And to be honest, you still seem to be "Type A" - it comes through in your question. You haven't lost the "Type A" traits - to my eye, they're still there. You're enjoying yourself, you're in school, and you have tons of free time. What exactly is the problem here? Stop fretting about perceived "laziness" and enjoy this phase before it passes and you have to work full-time in an uncertain, uncaring world. I'm not trying to diminish your problem, but it is a problem of affluence. Billions of people in this world are slaving away trying to make ends meet, and they would love to have free time to relax and pursue their interests.
Who are you trying to impress? The harsh reality is that, aside from your mother and your grandmother, the universe probably doesn't give a shit. Be nice to your family, make and keep good, close friends, and improvise. The sooner you realize that nothing ever goes according to plan, the sooner you'll find that a "Type A" outlook is damaging to your health and your sanity. It's built on the illusion that you can control everything - in reality, human beings have much less control over things than we care to admit. Learn to let go and try to the best of your ability to be a happy, thoughtful, kind person. The rat race is a futile endeavor.
I hope I did not come off too harshly - that was not my intent. I have a sister who was once very similar to the way you describe yourself. She ultimately had a colossal burnout, which was painful at the time but which served to help her realign her priorities.
posted by Despondent_Monkey at 9:13 PM on May 17, 2010 [7 favorites]
btw I love this question. Your situation, while not entirely like mine, has many parallels. Every once in awhile I wonder if I'm losing ground by not driving forward in pursuit of my dreams/goals. I question the value in doing nothing, leisurely things, when I see my friends from home pursuing their masters and doing everything possible to further their careers.
The past year I've purchased and learned to ride a motorcycle, learned to sail a small boat, rediscovered the joy of reading fiction, taken surfing classes, and made some interesting friendships. Being on my own has pushed me to stretch myself and experiment with life.
Looks like you're doing a good job of learning to love this period in your life. One day you will grow up and be tied to other peoples schedules, expectations of you, work, family etc... Cherish this fleeting moment in your life.
posted by Wanderer7 at 9:14 PM on May 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
The past year I've purchased and learned to ride a motorcycle, learned to sail a small boat, rediscovered the joy of reading fiction, taken surfing classes, and made some interesting friendships. Being on my own has pushed me to stretch myself and experiment with life.
Looks like you're doing a good job of learning to love this period in your life. One day you will grow up and be tied to other peoples schedules, expectations of you, work, family etc... Cherish this fleeting moment in your life.
posted by Wanderer7 at 9:14 PM on May 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
you ask the hivemind something like "if you did this, how did you come out of it?" and as someone who did this who can't be there now, i came out of it a deeper thinker, a more deliberate person. you are all that you've got. you'll know it when an opportunity comes to step into a different mode.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 9:25 PM on May 17, 2010
posted by lakersfan1222 at 9:25 PM on May 17, 2010
I can empathize with your situation somewhat. I recently went through two demanding years of grad school, followed by a year-long extremely stressful full-time teaching contract.
Since then, my life has slowed down considerably, mostly freelance design work in between teaching gigs, with a lot of downtime and breaks between projects. Truth be told, I am really, really enjoying it.
Think of it as catching your breath. You've worked hard in the past, and will likely have occasion to work hard again in the future. For now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying your time. What would be the point of working so hard, if there were never moments like that?
I think it sounds like a great time to start a journal, if that's not something you already do.
posted by oulipian at 9:28 PM on May 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
Since then, my life has slowed down considerably, mostly freelance design work in between teaching gigs, with a lot of downtime and breaks between projects. Truth be told, I am really, really enjoying it.
Think of it as catching your breath. You've worked hard in the past, and will likely have occasion to work hard again in the future. For now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying your time. What would be the point of working so hard, if there were never moments like that?
I think it sounds like a great time to start a journal, if that's not something you already do.
posted by oulipian at 9:28 PM on May 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
Nah, you're fine. Enjoy enjoying life while you can. Eventually, you'll be interested in working toward something again.
I took a year off and didn't even have a graduate stipend to justify it. I came back and started working hard again, albeit much more consciously this time. For this run, I've made a point of not veering into crazy work hours very often and even then, only for very good reasons.
posted by ignignokt at 9:33 PM on May 17, 2010
I took a year off and didn't even have a graduate stipend to justify it. I came back and started working hard again, albeit much more consciously this time. For this run, I've made a point of not veering into crazy work hours very often and even then, only for very good reasons.
posted by ignignokt at 9:33 PM on May 17, 2010
Snub your destiny. I have taught myself to resist running to keep on schedule. This may seem a very small piece of advice, but it registered. In refusing to run to catch trains, I have felt the true value of elegance and aesthetics in behavior, a sense of being in control of my time, my schedule, and my life. Missing a train is only painful if you run after it!
Likewise, not matching the idea of success others expect from you is only painful if that's what you are seeking.
You stand above the rat race and the pecking order, not outside
of it, if you do so by choice.
posted by larry_darrell at 10:09 PM on May 17, 2010 [4 favorites]
Likewise, not matching the idea of success others expect from you is only painful if that's what you are seeking.
You stand above the rat race and the pecking order, not outside
of it, if you do so by choice.
posted by larry_darrell at 10:09 PM on May 17, 2010 [4 favorites]
I'm just drifting along, wasting lots of time, and occasionally feeling bad about it.
If you are in graduate school and truly keeping up with the work then you are not wasting time or just drifting along. Grad school is hard. Give yourself credit. Make sure you keep up with that and I don't see the problem, that graduate degree will open doors and you can still change the world just fine when you're done.
Other than that you sound burnt out. Your previous life was exhausting (I'm tired just reading about it) and changing country is also exhausting. Cocooning for a while now while you recharge is totally appropriate. It doesn't mean you're not a self starter, it means you're smart enough to take care of yourself in the way that you need. And if your graduate program is anything like every other one I've ever seen you're going to need that stored energy to get through the crunch at the end, they have a tendancy to get hard as you get further in.
Burn out can lead to depression and can feel a lot like depression while you're in it, but the lethargy will fade as you find your feet. You don't sound depressed (depressed people generally aren't content with their life) or even abnormal. If it's working for you right now, and if you really are on top of your work and able to put in the effort there when needed, then just go with it. Something will come along that sparks your passion again and you'll be off running, why work yourself into the ground in the meantime?
posted by shelleycat at 10:22 PM on May 17, 2010 [4 favorites]
If you are in graduate school and truly keeping up with the work then you are not wasting time or just drifting along. Grad school is hard. Give yourself credit. Make sure you keep up with that and I don't see the problem, that graduate degree will open doors and you can still change the world just fine when you're done.
Other than that you sound burnt out. Your previous life was exhausting (I'm tired just reading about it) and changing country is also exhausting. Cocooning for a while now while you recharge is totally appropriate. It doesn't mean you're not a self starter, it means you're smart enough to take care of yourself in the way that you need. And if your graduate program is anything like every other one I've ever seen you're going to need that stored energy to get through the crunch at the end, they have a tendancy to get hard as you get further in.
Burn out can lead to depression and can feel a lot like depression while you're in it, but the lethargy will fade as you find your feet. You don't sound depressed (depressed people generally aren't content with their life) or even abnormal. If it's working for you right now, and if you really are on top of your work and able to put in the effort there when needed, then just go with it. Something will come along that sparks your passion again and you'll be off running, why work yourself into the ground in the meantime?
posted by shelleycat at 10:22 PM on May 17, 2010 [4 favorites]
Thank you for posting this question. I know exactly what you're talking about. I went through it once, complete with questions like yours, and I was actually just telling someone that I feel it coming upon me again. Your description of cocooning sounds right; it felt to me like going subterranean or dropping out of sight. I also sometimes just think of it as a season of slowness.
A sign of intense personal growth and rejuvenation?
I agree with you on this. For me, this phenomenon happened when something was going on emotionally, and I managed to make space in my life to dwell in it and be present with myself. The first time happened after a break-up. I wasn't sad that the relationship had ended, exactly, but nevertheless, a whole range of emotional stuff was going on behind the scenes, as I figured out who I was again. To me, it feels similar to a minor depression or a period of grieving, with a minor version of that same heaviness, but without feeling stuck or self-critical or upset, and instead feeling mentally at peace, watchful, just... hanging out with myself ... noticing the sunlight....
My advice? Let this period stretch out as long as it wants to be there. For me, an exciting option came along and got me go-go-going again, in part due to similar "what does this laziness mean?" worries. In retrospect, the... sitting around... that I had been doing was probably more valuable than the project I took on. So yeah, enjoy the time. And take as much time as you would like for it before stepping back into the fast lane.
posted by salvia at 11:22 PM on May 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
A sign of intense personal growth and rejuvenation?
I agree with you on this. For me, this phenomenon happened when something was going on emotionally, and I managed to make space in my life to dwell in it and be present with myself. The first time happened after a break-up. I wasn't sad that the relationship had ended, exactly, but nevertheless, a whole range of emotional stuff was going on behind the scenes, as I figured out who I was again. To me, it feels similar to a minor depression or a period of grieving, with a minor version of that same heaviness, but without feeling stuck or self-critical or upset, and instead feeling mentally at peace, watchful, just... hanging out with myself ... noticing the sunlight....
My advice? Let this period stretch out as long as it wants to be there. For me, an exciting option came along and got me go-go-going again, in part due to similar "what does this laziness mean?" worries. In retrospect, the... sitting around... that I had been doing was probably more valuable than the project I took on. So yeah, enjoy the time. And take as much time as you would like for it before stepping back into the fast lane.
posted by salvia at 11:22 PM on May 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is an interesting situation to be in. I don't know if my opinion is what you'd be interested in since I am a mid 20s male who always feels uneasy about not doing work or advancing my goals.
The closest thing I've had to your situation was a period of a month and a half between leaving my job and entering graduate school. I had enough money to live comfortably, so for the first month and a half after I left my job I didn't do anything significant, save for doing some medical procedures that I needed at the time. After that I went on a more structured vacation with lots of things to do, etc. so I don't think this counts.
But the first month and a half seems pretty close to what you describe. I would cook every once in awhile, I would read fiction which I hadn't done much of before because my work was very stressful and I found it hard to concentrate after a long day, and I was wasting a fair bit of time on the internet. The thing that strikes me about this period is that, save for the reading, I remember very little of that time. That is, I feel I have very little to show for it. Not in materials terms, but in the sense that I didn't feel a profound change in character or anything like that. It was basically dead time.
The nice thing about reading was that I got into the habit again, and, I think, my attention and pace improved. At work, and before that, at college, I had to multi-task to such an extent that I couldn't really sit down at night and finish a book, and all I could do to "relax" was waste time online, which to this day I find very off-putting and mind-numbingly stupid. For the precise reason that when I think about it afterwards, I can't think of a single thing that I learned at the time, and I am not necessarily talking about practical things.
This has been my limited experience of "slow"; I don't feel I learned anything about myself or the world. Perhaps I didn't spend enough time in this situation. Based on this, and on my background of a 20-something person with big dreams and goals, I can't say that I agree with the majority opinion that this is something good, profound or that you are necessarily growing. It might be that you are just wasting time.
In your situation, I would at least cut the time spent online and read, learn or practice something that I am interested in, but is not necessarily part of my program, or spend more time thinking and reflecting without doing anything else. Or go on a trip, take up long-distance running, plan a bike tour, ...
I am sure it's the mid 20 year old in me talking, but I think there is more to life than being content and happy.
Now for your particular questions:
- If you were able to go through rigorous academic training for an extended period of time, then I don't think you are lazy. Perhaps, you need the right motivation to get back to work again.
- If I were you I would also get tested. Just in case it is, in fact, the thyroid or something medical.
- As far as I know you don't need to be "sad" to be diagnosed with depression. You can simply be numb and not experience things very vividly. The fact that you are not being social seems to stand out.
Take this with a grain of salt, of course. It is very hard to judge your situation from a blurb (even a well written one) online.
posted by dgn at 11:34 PM on May 17, 2010
The closest thing I've had to your situation was a period of a month and a half between leaving my job and entering graduate school. I had enough money to live comfortably, so for the first month and a half after I left my job I didn't do anything significant, save for doing some medical procedures that I needed at the time. After that I went on a more structured vacation with lots of things to do, etc. so I don't think this counts.
But the first month and a half seems pretty close to what you describe. I would cook every once in awhile, I would read fiction which I hadn't done much of before because my work was very stressful and I found it hard to concentrate after a long day, and I was wasting a fair bit of time on the internet. The thing that strikes me about this period is that, save for the reading, I remember very little of that time. That is, I feel I have very little to show for it. Not in materials terms, but in the sense that I didn't feel a profound change in character or anything like that. It was basically dead time.
The nice thing about reading was that I got into the habit again, and, I think, my attention and pace improved. At work, and before that, at college, I had to multi-task to such an extent that I couldn't really sit down at night and finish a book, and all I could do to "relax" was waste time online, which to this day I find very off-putting and mind-numbingly stupid. For the precise reason that when I think about it afterwards, I can't think of a single thing that I learned at the time, and I am not necessarily talking about practical things.
This has been my limited experience of "slow"; I don't feel I learned anything about myself or the world. Perhaps I didn't spend enough time in this situation. Based on this, and on my background of a 20-something person with big dreams and goals, I can't say that I agree with the majority opinion that this is something good, profound or that you are necessarily growing. It might be that you are just wasting time.
In your situation, I would at least cut the time spent online and read, learn or practice something that I am interested in, but is not necessarily part of my program, or spend more time thinking and reflecting without doing anything else. Or go on a trip, take up long-distance running, plan a bike tour, ...
I am sure it's the mid 20 year old in me talking, but I think there is more to life than being content and happy.
Now for your particular questions:
- If you were able to go through rigorous academic training for an extended period of time, then I don't think you are lazy. Perhaps, you need the right motivation to get back to work again.
- If I were you I would also get tested. Just in case it is, in fact, the thyroid or something medical.
- As far as I know you don't need to be "sad" to be diagnosed with depression. You can simply be numb and not experience things very vividly. The fact that you are not being social seems to stand out.
Take this with a grain of salt, of course. It is very hard to judge your situation from a blurb (even a well written one) online.
posted by dgn at 11:34 PM on May 17, 2010
Yes indeed be careful...you pause for long enough on the path and sooner or later you'll start glimpsing between the trees the other paths which run parallel to yours, converging in the middle distance at the precipice to a unfathomable canyon. Be careful, you might start to realize the wild strawberries and moss at any particular spot look a lot more pleasant than that trek up and over the side. You might even take a nap in the sun, and then everyone will pass you, huffing under their heavy packs filled with telescopes and powered milk. Better hurry, the end of the trail will only be there forever!
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:08 AM on May 18, 2010 [11 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:08 AM on May 18, 2010 [11 favorites]
Sounds like fun. Do what you like. Once I found that there wasn't any pressure to do 'something', I started becoming much more effective and enjoying what I did decide more. Life shouldn't be about forcing yourself to do things that you don't have a desire to do.
The Tao abides in non-action,
Yet nothing is left undone.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 12:22 AM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
The Tao abides in non-action,
Yet nothing is left undone.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 12:22 AM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
- Will I ever be motivated and type A again? Am a lazy person?
I think it's unlikely that you're going to have this much free time forever. You're going to get busier sooner or later, and that's when you'll find that old type A self again. Probably sooner as you seem to be the type to involve yourself in new projects even when you're taking a break from being ambitious. And no, you're not lazy at all.
- Has anyone else had this kind of experience?
I periodically have these experiences, generally after I've spent a long time working on a big project for work or school. You did mention that you were under a lot of academic stress before starting your program--do you think this might be related? After a lot of stress, I can't really focus on anything complicated or ambitious, so I just do the small things I like to do as well as I can. I get overstimulated by big projects and need some mental rest before I can focus again. I'm actually in one of these resting periods right now...this one has last longer than the others because it's been overdue for about six years.
- What was it like for you and how did it end? How did you come out of it?
Oddly enough, I come out of these periods around the time I stop worrying about them. I haven't been able to force it to happen. My theory is that being able to stop worrying is a sign you're finally ready to be your old self again. For me, worrying about my personal characteristics is low hanging fruit for my brain. If it's tired, it'll reach for my insecurities before it tries to solve any big abstract puzzles or tell me to go climb a mountain. So it's best to just let it rest. Your ambition will come back eventually.
posted by millions of peaches at 3:56 AM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think it's unlikely that you're going to have this much free time forever. You're going to get busier sooner or later, and that's when you'll find that old type A self again. Probably sooner as you seem to be the type to involve yourself in new projects even when you're taking a break from being ambitious. And no, you're not lazy at all.
- Has anyone else had this kind of experience?
I periodically have these experiences, generally after I've spent a long time working on a big project for work or school. You did mention that you were under a lot of academic stress before starting your program--do you think this might be related? After a lot of stress, I can't really focus on anything complicated or ambitious, so I just do the small things I like to do as well as I can. I get overstimulated by big projects and need some mental rest before I can focus again. I'm actually in one of these resting periods right now...this one has last longer than the others because it's been overdue for about six years.
- What was it like for you and how did it end? How did you come out of it?
Oddly enough, I come out of these periods around the time I stop worrying about them. I haven't been able to force it to happen. My theory is that being able to stop worrying is a sign you're finally ready to be your old self again. For me, worrying about my personal characteristics is low hanging fruit for my brain. If it's tired, it'll reach for my insecurities before it tries to solve any big abstract puzzles or tell me to go climb a mountain. So it's best to just let it rest. Your ambition will come back eventually.
posted by millions of peaches at 3:56 AM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
your question is so uncannily like my life right now! i often think of that quote from "office space," because it genuinely sums up how i feel -- "i did nothing. i did absolutely nothing, and it was everything i thought it could be." YES!
i think we type A folk just need a total, full-stop every now and then to catch our breath before embarking on the next million goals we have. definitely enjoy it. make fancy coffee every morning. buy just enough groceries for dinner, and do it every day. spend the whole afternoon cooking. drink wine and read some fiction. handwrite letters to old friends, and put cute stickers on the envelopes. stock up on treats, download a whole series you've always wanted to watch, and watch the whole thing in an epic, days-long sitting. take your dog for a whole afternoon at the park. borrow someone else's dog, if need be. drink a beer while you're there in the sunshine. give the middle finger to the nagging feeling that suggests you feel guilty about any of the above.
i may not have a lot to show for this year, but i will *always* remember how luxurious it felt to just slow down and enjoy and not feel guilty about it -- this is genuinely the first time in my life i've truly learned to do that, and it's a skill i'll now have forever! memail me if you want to talk about it more! :)
posted by crawfo at 5:46 AM on May 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
i think we type A folk just need a total, full-stop every now and then to catch our breath before embarking on the next million goals we have. definitely enjoy it. make fancy coffee every morning. buy just enough groceries for dinner, and do it every day. spend the whole afternoon cooking. drink wine and read some fiction. handwrite letters to old friends, and put cute stickers on the envelopes. stock up on treats, download a whole series you've always wanted to watch, and watch the whole thing in an epic, days-long sitting. take your dog for a whole afternoon at the park. borrow someone else's dog, if need be. drink a beer while you're there in the sunshine. give the middle finger to the nagging feeling that suggests you feel guilty about any of the above.
i may not have a lot to show for this year, but i will *always* remember how luxurious it felt to just slow down and enjoy and not feel guilty about it -- this is genuinely the first time in my life i've truly learned to do that, and it's a skill i'll now have forever! memail me if you want to talk about it more! :)
posted by crawfo at 5:46 AM on May 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
I've never been a hard-charging, Type A guy, but there was a period in my early to late 20s where I sort of "got with the program," started caring about my career, really putting in a good amount of work and filling my off-hours with as many fun and different things to do I could come up with.
I was miserable. I hated the whole culture of the career I seemed to be working towards. And not just the track, but the lives of the people around me. I saw people 20 years older than I just going through the motions, slouching along towards whatever end might find them. Man, it was depressing. It got me really, really down.
But what was the hardest thing was reconciling myself to knowing that if I left it to do what I wanted to do, chances are that I would watch people who were my peers in terms of intelligence and all that go on to make great money, have big houses, the whole bit. It took me YEARS to grow comfortable with that fact, and I'm not even someone who's materialistic. I just had grown up and been programmed to want it, but I was fairly blind to the reality of it in myself, even as I saw it in other people.
I won't say I'm totally happy with my life now, ten years later, but I'm a lot closer than I ever would have been where I was before. I left that career, took a fairly decent pay cut, and now I love the work I'm in (when it's available, of course). The envy I once felt still resurfaces sometimes, but I don't think it's costing me mentally as much as keeping it up is costing those same peers.
I don't know if you've ever read Dave Wallace's Kenyon College address, but it's worth your time if you haven't. Here's a relevant part:
And I submit that this is what the real, no bullshit value of your liberal arts education is supposed to be about: how to keep from going through your comfortable, prosperous, respectable adult life dead, unconscious, a slave to your head and to your natural default setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone day in and day out. That may sound like hyperbole, or abstract nonsense. Let's get concrete. The plain fact is that you graduating seniors do not yet have any clue what "day in day out" really means. There happen to be whole, large parts of adult American life that nobody talks about in commencement speeches. One such part involves boredom, routine, and petty frustration. The parents and older folks here will know all too well what I'm talking about.
The whole, of course, is better than this mere part. But basically, let yourself read, write, sit around, think, live. Because even though at the end of the day, you might not have a page full of great stuff that you've done to tell your friends about and be satisfied with yourself over, you're doing a lot of developing in the background that you're not aware of. It may or may not pay off later, but it will leave you better equipped to deal with the basic bullshit about life, even if you're unaware of it now.
An unstructured life is very well worth living. At least for a while, and if you can pay your rent and keep yourself fed.
Maybe won't fit your situation, but I figured I'd throw it against this particular wall.
posted by nevercalm at 6:02 AM on May 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
I was miserable. I hated the whole culture of the career I seemed to be working towards. And not just the track, but the lives of the people around me. I saw people 20 years older than I just going through the motions, slouching along towards whatever end might find them. Man, it was depressing. It got me really, really down.
But what was the hardest thing was reconciling myself to knowing that if I left it to do what I wanted to do, chances are that I would watch people who were my peers in terms of intelligence and all that go on to make great money, have big houses, the whole bit. It took me YEARS to grow comfortable with that fact, and I'm not even someone who's materialistic. I just had grown up and been programmed to want it, but I was fairly blind to the reality of it in myself, even as I saw it in other people.
I won't say I'm totally happy with my life now, ten years later, but I'm a lot closer than I ever would have been where I was before. I left that career, took a fairly decent pay cut, and now I love the work I'm in (when it's available, of course). The envy I once felt still resurfaces sometimes, but I don't think it's costing me mentally as much as keeping it up is costing those same peers.
I don't know if you've ever read Dave Wallace's Kenyon College address, but it's worth your time if you haven't. Here's a relevant part:
And I submit that this is what the real, no bullshit value of your liberal arts education is supposed to be about: how to keep from going through your comfortable, prosperous, respectable adult life dead, unconscious, a slave to your head and to your natural default setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone day in and day out. That may sound like hyperbole, or abstract nonsense. Let's get concrete. The plain fact is that you graduating seniors do not yet have any clue what "day in day out" really means. There happen to be whole, large parts of adult American life that nobody talks about in commencement speeches. One such part involves boredom, routine, and petty frustration. The parents and older folks here will know all too well what I'm talking about.
The whole, of course, is better than this mere part. But basically, let yourself read, write, sit around, think, live. Because even though at the end of the day, you might not have a page full of great stuff that you've done to tell your friends about and be satisfied with yourself over, you're doing a lot of developing in the background that you're not aware of. It may or may not pay off later, but it will leave you better equipped to deal with the basic bullshit about life, even if you're unaware of it now.
An unstructured life is very well worth living. At least for a while, and if you can pay your rent and keep yourself fed.
Maybe won't fit your situation, but I figured I'd throw it against this particular wall.
posted by nevercalm at 6:02 AM on May 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
You will lookback on this time with the fondest of memories in your 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond. Don't waste too much of it with purposeless hand-wringing. At some point in your life you'll find yourself in amazing amounts of pain while recovering from surgery, or totally sleep deprived tending to a 2 year old that has never slept through the night. Try to enjoy this time for what it is because it is yours and yours alone and that is very, very rare.
posted by milarepa at 6:36 AM on May 18, 2010
posted by milarepa at 6:36 AM on May 18, 2010
“The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” Bertrand Russell.
posted by callmejay at 6:40 AM on May 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by callmejay at 6:40 AM on May 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
Don't let the Protestant work ethic or whatever dictate your life to you.
Came in here to say this, basically.
posted by the foreground at 7:00 AM on May 18, 2010
Came in here to say this, basically.
posted by the foreground at 7:00 AM on May 18, 2010
if you can pay your rent and keep yourself fed
IMHO, that is the only caveat to the whole slow-down concept. Living slow is great, enjoy it, let it last as long as you want to, but ONLY if you are not a burden to family/friends/society as a whole.
If you've got that covered (which is sure sounds like you do), then live your life however you choose.
posted by CathyG at 8:35 AM on May 18, 2010
IMHO, that is the only caveat to the whole slow-down concept. Living slow is great, enjoy it, let it last as long as you want to, but ONLY if you are not a burden to family/friends/society as a whole.
If you've got that covered (which is sure sounds like you do), then live your life however you choose.
posted by CathyG at 8:35 AM on May 18, 2010
I am sure it's the mid 20 year old in me talking, but I think there is more to life than being content and happy.
I'm pretty sure there isn't.
Follow your bliss, as Joseph Campbell would say - if this feels right, and you're in the position to do it, do it. There are other types of tired beyond "I didn't get eight hours last night," and some of them just need you to be still and bide your time until you're ready to move on.
If you can learn to do it without feeling guilty, you will, in fact, have learnt a useful skill for the future - so you can comfort yourself with the thought that you're being inadvertently productive!
(OK, I am terrible at following my own advice, but I know the theory.)
You might enjoy a couple of essays in Alice Walker's Living By The Word - the one about judness, and the one called something like "Oppressed Hair Puts a Ceiling on the Brain". It's a long time since I've read them, but IIRC, both are slightly different takes on this idea that we naturally stop and start in life for various reasons. I might have misremembered, but it's a good book, anyway, and you sound like you have plenty of reading time :)
posted by penguin pie at 9:20 AM on May 18, 2010
I'm pretty sure there isn't.
Follow your bliss, as Joseph Campbell would say - if this feels right, and you're in the position to do it, do it. There are other types of tired beyond "I didn't get eight hours last night," and some of them just need you to be still and bide your time until you're ready to move on.
If you can learn to do it without feeling guilty, you will, in fact, have learnt a useful skill for the future - so you can comfort yourself with the thought that you're being inadvertently productive!
(OK, I am terrible at following my own advice, but I know the theory.)
You might enjoy a couple of essays in Alice Walker's Living By The Word - the one about judness, and the one called something like "Oppressed Hair Puts a Ceiling on the Brain". It's a long time since I've read them, but IIRC, both are slightly different takes on this idea that we naturally stop and start in life for various reasons. I might have misremembered, but it's a good book, anyway, and you sound like you have plenty of reading time :)
posted by penguin pie at 9:20 AM on May 18, 2010
I think this is all dependent on how you frame it out. If you feel like you’ve earned some time off and want to recharge your batteries, enjoy that time. But if you feel like this is something that is happening to you. If you feel that it is beyond your control. That’s another story. Moving from a structured environment to a structure free environment is a big change in terms of time management and goal setting. I find it much harder to accomplish things post-academic life. The way to get out of it, if it’s bothersome to you, is to set small incremental goals to work on X for per . Also know that motivated brain will hate recharge brain when you do come out of this. Motivated brain isn’t necessarily right and probably can’t remember what it felt like to be recharge brain. Keep an eye on how you are feeling, I think it can be easy to slip into a rut, where you don’t go out, don’t meet anyone, don’t work on anything. The distinction to make is that if taking this time off makes you feel content than stick with it, if it makes you feel numb try to break out of it.
posted by edbles at 9:24 AM on May 18, 2010
posted by edbles at 9:24 AM on May 18, 2010
lazy person here...
as long as you have perspective and good sense to make sure you are provided for in the future, live your life. don't bloody work through it (ew). Making sure you have enough free time and enjoying without apprehension fucking rocks.
Honestly, I am an advocate for the 3 day weekend, and I think people take work much too seriously.
Funnily enough, I am brilliant at work, but have time to do whatever I want, and most people's response to my doing completely "useless" things (making pasta from scratch, painting, having a harry potter marathon, and sometimes yes, doing NOTHING) they go fucking beserk and yell "you have too much free time!"
How the hell can one have too much free time? It is because of the whole "Type A" personality thing that people think not producing (financially? academically? showoff -ically?) is something to feel guilty about.
You're just growing up. Soon you won't want to be a super hero or join the UN or be the president. You'll just want to be your nice low-profile self, and that is AWESOME.
Also, it is people like that who usually go "far". Because they have a genuine interest in things, not just ambition for achieving in general.
posted by Tarumba at 10:53 AM on May 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
as long as you have perspective and good sense to make sure you are provided for in the future, live your life. don't bloody work through it (ew). Making sure you have enough free time and enjoying without apprehension fucking rocks.
Honestly, I am an advocate for the 3 day weekend, and I think people take work much too seriously.
Funnily enough, I am brilliant at work, but have time to do whatever I want, and most people's response to my doing completely "useless" things (making pasta from scratch, painting, having a harry potter marathon, and sometimes yes, doing NOTHING) they go fucking beserk and yell "you have too much free time!"
How the hell can one have too much free time? It is because of the whole "Type A" personality thing that people think not producing (financially? academically? showoff -ically?) is something to feel guilty about.
You're just growing up. Soon you won't want to be a super hero or join the UN or be the president. You'll just want to be your nice low-profile self, and that is AWESOME.
Also, it is people like that who usually go "far". Because they have a genuine interest in things, not just ambition for achieving in general.
posted by Tarumba at 10:53 AM on May 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different." - Kurt Vonnegut
posted by clark at 8:14 PM on May 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by clark at 8:14 PM on May 18, 2010 [5 favorites]
I have a friend who is just go, go, go all the time. The woman creates work for herself out of habit, I swear. She's always running errands, having to return some item she bought for whatever reason. She's horribly disorganized, with paperwork stuffed here and there in her purse, her desk, her house. I don't know how she even functions. She is what I think of when I think of Type A personalities. It makes me cringe just imagining what her day must be like.
Like Tarumba, I think I'm probably pretty lazy, and I'm fine with that. Funnily enough, though, I am fairly highly organized. And I am very efficient. These two traits really allow me to be lazier than the average person, I think. For instance, it takes me about half the time (or less) to tidy up my house than most people because 1) I have a place for just about everything, and I know where that is; and 2) because my efficiency allows me to complete tasks in the optimum manner so as to save me time. Don't get me wrong, I can let things go for awhile and it will get fairly messy.
But now I'm just being chatty, so I'll sign off :)
posted by wwartorff at 6:28 AM on May 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Like Tarumba, I think I'm probably pretty lazy, and I'm fine with that. Funnily enough, though, I am fairly highly organized. And I am very efficient. These two traits really allow me to be lazier than the average person, I think. For instance, it takes me about half the time (or less) to tidy up my house than most people because 1) I have a place for just about everything, and I know where that is; and 2) because my efficiency allows me to complete tasks in the optimum manner so as to save me time. Don't get me wrong, I can let things go for awhile and it will get fairly messy.
But now I'm just being chatty, so I'll sign off :)
posted by wwartorff at 6:28 AM on May 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
"A sign of intense personal growth and rejuvenation"
That's my gut, too!
I related a lot to your post. I'm a bit older than you are (30, now), and I also consider myself ambitious in a lot of ways, and tend to make myself very busy and overscheduled in the regular course of things.
But like you, I was in a graduate program in my mid-20s, and I went through a long phase (a year? more??) in that program of doing like you are doing now: I got my work done, but didn't shine as I was accustomed to shining. Nor did I try to. I took a lot of walks, cooked for myself, did exercise, read books, surfed the internet, and generally felt like I was having a really fun time with myself, exploring life. And like you, I sometimes wondered what was happening to me, and worried about losing my edge. But it never reached a crisis point (maybe because I also sensed that what I was going through was in many ways just really good), and I'm glad for that.
I did become my regular, overscheduled, ambitious self again, but I look back on that time fondly. I don't know whether I'll get another chance in life to be that way for a while, but I hope I do.
My advice is not to worry yourself out of it. As others have said, it will end on its own.
posted by toomuchkatherine at 6:05 PM on May 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
That's my gut, too!
I related a lot to your post. I'm a bit older than you are (30, now), and I also consider myself ambitious in a lot of ways, and tend to make myself very busy and overscheduled in the regular course of things.
But like you, I was in a graduate program in my mid-20s, and I went through a long phase (a year? more??) in that program of doing like you are doing now: I got my work done, but didn't shine as I was accustomed to shining. Nor did I try to. I took a lot of walks, cooked for myself, did exercise, read books, surfed the internet, and generally felt like I was having a really fun time with myself, exploring life. And like you, I sometimes wondered what was happening to me, and worried about losing my edge. But it never reached a crisis point (maybe because I also sensed that what I was going through was in many ways just really good), and I'm glad for that.
I did become my regular, overscheduled, ambitious self again, but I look back on that time fondly. I don't know whether I'll get another chance in life to be that way for a while, but I hope I do.
My advice is not to worry yourself out of it. As others have said, it will end on its own.
posted by toomuchkatherine at 6:05 PM on May 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
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Don't let the Protestant work ethic or whatever dictate your life to you. If you feel good right now, go with it. If it stops feeling good, or you find something you get super jazzed about and want to be all Type A over, you will.
posted by restless_nomad at 8:15 PM on May 17, 2010 [3 favorites]