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May 17, 2010 5:39 PM Subscribe
I get overly anxious when someone takes too long to respond to my email. This happens on a weekly basis with work, dating, family, etc. If you have this problem too, what has helped you?
Whenever I send a semi-important email, and the other person takes longer than expected to reply, it bothers me to a disproportionate degree. I start obsessively checking email, thinking about it a lot, and feeling dread (and resentment toward the person).
This happens with business emails, love interests, setting up family gatherings, etc. What's going on is that I've mentally calculated an estimated response time, and if they exceed this, it must mean that my priority in their life is lower than I previously thought.
This makes some sense because response time usually is correlated with how much the other person values you. I know that I myself respond to high-priority emails within minutes, but it takes days or weeks to reply to people I don't like as much. When I'm feeling anxious while waiting for a reply, I try to tell myself that perhaps the other person got interrupted by a high-priority issue that I don't know about, but this doesn't usually work.
I know it happens to everyone when they have a crush, but it happens to me at least once per week, sometimes more. Does it happen to you? What's worked for you?
Whenever I send a semi-important email, and the other person takes longer than expected to reply, it bothers me to a disproportionate degree. I start obsessively checking email, thinking about it a lot, and feeling dread (and resentment toward the person).
This happens with business emails, love interests, setting up family gatherings, etc. What's going on is that I've mentally calculated an estimated response time, and if they exceed this, it must mean that my priority in their life is lower than I previously thought.
This makes some sense because response time usually is correlated with how much the other person values you. I know that I myself respond to high-priority emails within minutes, but it takes days or weeks to reply to people I don't like as much. When I'm feeling anxious while waiting for a reply, I try to tell myself that perhaps the other person got interrupted by a high-priority issue that I don't know about, but this doesn't usually work.
I know it happens to everyone when they have a crush, but it happens to me at least once per week, sometimes more. Does it happen to you? What's worked for you?
Best answer: I don't mean to be flip (at all, I feel your pain): go for a long walk. And don't take your mobile phone.
[Also, just as a data point, I've taken FAR longer to respond to people I care for very deeply; sometimes the conversation is at such a place that I need (and want) to be very thoughtful in my reply. And sometimes I just don't have the time or am not in the right space to be able to say what I want. So...time passes. Sometimes too much time.]
posted by hapax_legomenon at 5:44 PM on May 17, 2010 [6 favorites]
[Also, just as a data point, I've taken FAR longer to respond to people I care for very deeply; sometimes the conversation is at such a place that I need (and want) to be very thoughtful in my reply. And sometimes I just don't have the time or am not in the right space to be able to say what I want. So...time passes. Sometimes too much time.]
posted by hapax_legomenon at 5:44 PM on May 17, 2010 [6 favorites]
Response time is usually correlated with how often the recipient checks email, and if they can just respond immediately (as compared to needing to check with other people, etc etc), and whether or not it's urgent. You say the emails are important, sure. But are they urgent?
posted by Lemurrhea at 5:44 PM on May 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Lemurrhea at 5:44 PM on May 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
To clarify a little: therapy helped with self esteem issues in general—I didn't discuss this issue in particular with my therapist. Another thing that has really helped is dating someone who is really vocal about how much he cares for me. I don't worry about how quickly he responds to things because I trust him so implicitly.
posted by ocherdraco at 5:44 PM on May 17, 2010
posted by ocherdraco at 5:44 PM on May 17, 2010
Response time is a function of your priority AND what else they have going on. As you say, maybe they got interrupted by something else. So, instead of assuming it means you're a lower priority, why not assume it means they have more going on than you thought? I speak as someone who professionally deals with really busy people. You just can't take a lack of response personally.
posted by salvia at 5:45 PM on May 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by salvia at 5:45 PM on May 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
If knowing someone else's metric helps, response time for me is a function of how much thought the reply requires. Things I can respond, "Sure" or "No" or "see you Thursday" to I answer quickly. Things that require thought OR that require me to get outside information (check husband's calendar, find out further information, etc.) tend to sit while I think about it or have a convenient moment to get the outside info. I hope that people I'm sending thoughtful answers to aren't thinking I don't value them!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:51 PM on May 17, 2010
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:51 PM on May 17, 2010
Best answer: The paper cited in this article might be a good read about email response time...
posted by tasty at 6:01 PM on May 17, 2010
posted by tasty at 6:01 PM on May 17, 2010
Best answer: Speaking only for myself (and this is a horrible thing to say and I AM A BAD PERSON), I not infrequently rely on the fact that the person who needs me the most or is closest to me will cut me the most slack; ergo they wait the longest.
Sorry.
Also some of us deal with (or fail to deal with) a massive amounts of email; if it's not on fire, I'm not likely to make it an immediate priority. This means a long backlog of mail, which I attempt to get through in order of arrival.
So if you're dealing with correspondents lilke me, it really really really isn't you.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:04 PM on May 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sorry.
Also some of us deal with (or fail to deal with) a massive amounts of email; if it's not on fire, I'm not likely to make it an immediate priority. This means a long backlog of mail, which I attempt to get through in order of arrival.
So if you're dealing with correspondents lilke me, it really really really isn't you.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:04 PM on May 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Two things have helped me a great deal:
1: Write emails that are easy to respond to! This means keeping it short. Or, if it's long, structuring it and writing it in a way that still invites shorter responses. Asking concrete questions is good, because it makes it easier to respond. Asking too many questions is bad. Combining easy questions ("Do you want to have dinner Thursday?") with hard questions ("I've been feeling depressed ever since Grandpa died; do you have any advice?") is very bad.
2: Check your email less. The less often you check your email, the less often you'll be disappointed. Maybe for work-related reasons or whatever this isn't possible for you (can you/do you have separate work and personal email addresses?), but if it is, it works wonders. Send a bunch of emails that should be answered within an hour when you get up in the morning, then don't check your email until after lunch. Or after work! You're both less likely to be disappointed and less likely to obsess.
All of the basic advice above along the lines of "just chill out," is probably accurate too, but from the tone of your question I assume that may be easier said than done. I've had a similar problem, and this helped.
posted by willbaude at 6:12 PM on May 17, 2010 [4 favorites]
1: Write emails that are easy to respond to! This means keeping it short. Or, if it's long, structuring it and writing it in a way that still invites shorter responses. Asking concrete questions is good, because it makes it easier to respond. Asking too many questions is bad. Combining easy questions ("Do you want to have dinner Thursday?") with hard questions ("I've been feeling depressed ever since Grandpa died; do you have any advice?") is very bad.
2: Check your email less. The less often you check your email, the less often you'll be disappointed. Maybe for work-related reasons or whatever this isn't possible for you (can you/do you have separate work and personal email addresses?), but if it is, it works wonders. Send a bunch of emails that should be answered within an hour when you get up in the morning, then don't check your email until after lunch. Or after work! You're both less likely to be disappointed and less likely to obsess.
All of the basic advice above along the lines of "just chill out," is probably accurate too, but from the tone of your question I assume that may be easier said than done. I've had a similar problem, and this helped.
posted by willbaude at 6:12 PM on May 17, 2010 [4 favorites]
As another data point: like hapax_legomenon, the emails I take longest to reply to are often the ones I care most about. I want to get it right and that means taking far longer than I'd like to reply sometimes.
A practical suggestion that you might try, depending on your environment: set a reminder for yourself to follow up after a reasonable time, and then FORGET ABOUT IT until that reminder comes up. I use Outlook at work, and so after I send certain emails, I'll go into Sent Items, grab the sent email, and drag it into the Calendar or Tasks panel to create a new entry. (Use either one, both of them have the 'remind me' functionality that you need.) Just set yourself a reminder to follow up in x days. How long you should wait depends on the topic of course - some business discussions come with their own deadlines. For anything without a firm deadline, I take what I would consider a reasonable turnaround and triple it. (I understand my personal idea of reasonable to be unreasonable to some, which is why I allow 3x, YMMV.)
If you don't use Outlook, other tools may help as well. Any program with a task or calendar manager should have similar functionality. There are also free third party tools like Remember the Milk that will let you manage a task or reminder list via email.
Of course it's difficult to get into the habit of not worrying about a reply until it's time to worry about a reply, but that just takes practice.
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 6:13 PM on May 17, 2010
A practical suggestion that you might try, depending on your environment: set a reminder for yourself to follow up after a reasonable time, and then FORGET ABOUT IT until that reminder comes up. I use Outlook at work, and so after I send certain emails, I'll go into Sent Items, grab the sent email, and drag it into the Calendar or Tasks panel to create a new entry. (Use either one, both of them have the 'remind me' functionality that you need.) Just set yourself a reminder to follow up in x days. How long you should wait depends on the topic of course - some business discussions come with their own deadlines. For anything without a firm deadline, I take what I would consider a reasonable turnaround and triple it. (I understand my personal idea of reasonable to be unreasonable to some, which is why I allow 3x, YMMV.)
If you don't use Outlook, other tools may help as well. Any program with a task or calendar manager should have similar functionality. There are also free third party tools like Remember the Milk that will let you manage a task or reminder list via email.
Of course it's difficult to get into the habit of not worrying about a reply until it's time to worry about a reply, but that just takes practice.
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 6:13 PM on May 17, 2010
FWIW, your metric of "response time correlates with how important you are to the person" doesn't hold true for me. Response time is the result of a complex and shifting equation that includes how important the person is to me (less important = more likely to toss off a quick email; more important = will take time to think about my response), how much thought is required to answer it, and of what type (can it be done in interrupted bits and pieces, or will it need some uninterrupted time to actually think about it), what else I have going on at the time (if my boss needs me and it's during work hours, I have to do that), my physical health (feeling unwell means less inclination to check or send email), my mental health (when my depression is acting up, I've gone weeks without checking email, and months without replying to anybody), my emotional health (having an argument with my spouse or a close friend will take up most of my attention and make me less likely to respond to email), etc.
Instead of telling yourself that maybe the person got distracted by a higher-priority matter (because your subconscious is going to interpret that as higher priority THAN ME), try telling yourself I don't know what's going on inside their head.
posted by Lexica at 6:28 PM on May 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
Instead of telling yourself that maybe the person got distracted by a higher-priority matter (because your subconscious is going to interpret that as higher priority THAN ME), try telling yourself I don't know what's going on inside their head.
posted by Lexica at 6:28 PM on May 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
You might have an anxiety problem. Does this kind of thing manifest in other parts of your life?
posted by goatdog at 6:31 PM on May 17, 2010
posted by goatdog at 6:31 PM on May 17, 2010
Might you tag/file the messages you send that require responses as Pending Response?
I do this and then sort through these once (and only once!) per week, which lets me eliminate dropped threads and also not worry about people not getting back to me.
People usually respond over time, but if they don't, my worries are with a reminder - in a folder, where I can periodically choose how I want to follow up.
posted by asuprenant at 7:13 PM on May 17, 2010
I do this and then sort through these once (and only once!) per week, which lets me eliminate dropped threads and also not worry about people not getting back to me.
People usually respond over time, but if they don't, my worries are with a reminder - in a folder, where I can periodically choose how I want to follow up.
posted by asuprenant at 7:13 PM on May 17, 2010
What's worked for me is just distracting myself with other things, similar to what kanata is talking about. When I send emails at work, or voicemails, I understand that the person might be away from their desk, in the washroom, in a meeting, working on something important, or received the email and is thinking about/looking up an answer. Plus they may also be responding to emails that they got hours earlier or a day or two earlier, i.e. I have to get in line. If people don't respond to you within your expected time frame, it doesn't mean that you're not important. It kind of sounds like you're expecting people to drop everything they're doing and respond to you within your expected timeframe, and if they don't, it's because something interrupted them. In other words, that's the only acceptable reason to you if they don't follow your timeframe. This is unfair to them, because they can't read your mind, and unfair to you, because you're driving yourself nuts. What I do is, if I don't hear from them within a day or something, I send a follow-up email or a voicemail; most of the time most people aren't bothered by that.
I know that I myself respond to high-priority emails within minutes, but it takes days or weeks to reply to people I don't like as much.
It sounds like you hold yourself to some pretty exacting standards, i.e. responding to high-priority emails within minutes. So why can't people do the same for you? Because they are their own people. It's not about you. So why not try not responding to high-priority emails right away, distract yourself, and see what happens? See how it feels and see how people will respond to a longer-than-usual-for-you response time. If you cut yourself some slack, maybe you can cut others some slack, and you'll feel better. If you get urgent emails, then of course, respond asap. But for things you don't have to respond right away, don't. Instead of responding in 5 minutes, do it in an hour or two.
posted by foxjacket at 7:15 PM on May 17, 2010
I know that I myself respond to high-priority emails within minutes, but it takes days or weeks to reply to people I don't like as much.
It sounds like you hold yourself to some pretty exacting standards, i.e. responding to high-priority emails within minutes. So why can't people do the same for you? Because they are their own people. It's not about you. So why not try not responding to high-priority emails right away, distract yourself, and see what happens? See how it feels and see how people will respond to a longer-than-usual-for-you response time. If you cut yourself some slack, maybe you can cut others some slack, and you'll feel better. If you get urgent emails, then of course, respond asap. But for things you don't have to respond right away, don't. Instead of responding in 5 minutes, do it in an hour or two.
posted by foxjacket at 7:15 PM on May 17, 2010
If I need an immediate response, I do the "old fashioned" thing and call them on the telephone. It's amazing, it's instant. Don't let the fact that its technology is 134 years old bother you, it's still a good idea when you need an answer now.
posted by inturnaround at 7:29 PM on May 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by inturnaround at 7:29 PM on May 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
I get and send a lot of emails for work, volunteer organizations, teams I coach, etc. If I get an important email coming in, I do one of two things. I either answer it as soon as I see it, or I send a one liner like, "I will get back to you as soon as I hear from the finance department." I let them know that I acknowledge it is an important email, but an answer is a ways off.
So I understand your pain. A simple acknowledgement would help. But, I never expect the same coming the other way. It simply is not in everyone's makeup to manage other's expectations. So, I wait a day or two and follow up. Then I simply make the decision on my own. If it is something I need from someone I can call, I call. Or I walk over. I just convinced myself that waiting passively for an email is slow death.
One thing you could consider, although I do not favor it, would be to put a deadline on the email. "I need an answer to the above question by Tuesday or I will need to make other arrangements."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:29 PM on May 17, 2010
So I understand your pain. A simple acknowledgement would help. But, I never expect the same coming the other way. It simply is not in everyone's makeup to manage other's expectations. So, I wait a day or two and follow up. Then I simply make the decision on my own. If it is something I need from someone I can call, I call. Or I walk over. I just convinced myself that waiting passively for an email is slow death.
One thing you could consider, although I do not favor it, would be to put a deadline on the email. "I need an answer to the above question by Tuesday or I will need to make other arrangements."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:29 PM on May 17, 2010
Best answer: I sympathize. I reply to emails almost immediately, and I get antsy when others don't do the same. But... I have a very boring job and a whole lot of free time on my hands. Not too long ago I had a rare hectic day. Swamped all day long. I didn't have time to get lunch or even water, much less respond to emails. That's when I realized what some of my friends go through every day. Their work is that hectic on a regular basis. So now I cut them some slack, and I don't imagine they don't love me anymore if they don't reply right away (well sometimes I do, but I'm working on it).
posted by Evangeline at 7:32 PM on May 17, 2010
posted by Evangeline at 7:32 PM on May 17, 2010
If you don't have a smart phone, you can set up your e-mail account to forward e-mail from one person to the e-mail address which corresponds with your phone's text messages.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 8:53 PM on May 17, 2010
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 8:53 PM on May 17, 2010
Sometimes people take longer to reply because the email and/or the sender ARE important and thus they wait to reply until they have thought out their response and can give it the time it deserves.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:58 PM on May 17, 2010
posted by Jacqueline at 8:58 PM on May 17, 2010
Give them a week and if you haven't heard back, then odds are extremely high they're not gonna respond. You can't really get away with bitching about it before a week's up, and once the week's up, then you know there's a problem. If it's super urgent/requires a response, you'll probably just have to suck it up and use a phone though.
To be honest, every single effing time someone has told me they'll reply to the e-mail later? (Especially if they e-mailed to say that they'll respond to the e-mail later?) This has never, not once, happened. I think it's the e-mail equivalent of the "I'll call you" blowoff.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:43 PM on May 17, 2010
To be honest, every single effing time someone has told me they'll reply to the e-mail later? (Especially if they e-mailed to say that they'll respond to the e-mail later?) This has never, not once, happened. I think it's the e-mail equivalent of the "I'll call you" blowoff.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:43 PM on May 17, 2010
Echoing inturnaround (and this is a pet peeve of mine, so sorry for bringing my stuff into your question!).
Email is not a medium designed for immediate response. If you need an answer right now, the telephone is what you want to use.
IMO there's a sort of hierarchy:
* Telephone for immediate response, then
* Text message for conveying information if it's not quite as urgent, then
* (IM if you think they're at their computer), then
* Email
posted by davextreme at 8:38 AM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
Email is not a medium designed for immediate response. If you need an answer right now, the telephone is what you want to use.
IMO there's a sort of hierarchy:
* Telephone for immediate response, then
* Text message for conveying information if it's not quite as urgent, then
* (IM if you think they're at their computer), then
posted by davextreme at 8:38 AM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
If it's "semi-important" and related to your work or to setting up a family gathering (presumably at a specific time and date) perhaps you could include some wording in your email telling the recipient when you will need their response. It sounds almost like you're expecting them to guess, or to decide for themselves based on whatever reasoning, feelings, or priorities they have, and then you're getting disappointed when their action doesn't meet with your expectation. If you make your expectation clear, perhaps they would be more likely to meet it.
posted by Robert Angelo at 8:57 AM on May 18, 2010
posted by Robert Angelo at 8:57 AM on May 18, 2010
Don't forget that a lot of people don't even READ their email every day, or even once a week. So while you are pining away wondering how far you have fallen in their hierarchy of people-I-love-most-and-dearly-want-to-talk-to-right-away, they are eating jam on toast in front of their giant screen TV and are not even aware that you are trying to communicate with them.
If you need something urgently, call.
posted by CathyG at 9:28 AM on May 18, 2010
If you need something urgently, call.
posted by CathyG at 9:28 AM on May 18, 2010
Best answer: Give your (predictable) freakouts a funny name so you can kind of step away from them and tell them to chill. Seriously, anthropomorphizing is part of some mental health work. This sounds nuts, but it works for me. I, too, am an obsessive punctual responder to phone and email messages. *checks for favorites* Whenever I start to spaz I pretend I am talking to the "anxiety cow." I just imagine this fat, overwhelmed cow freaking out and being all like, "Wow no one likes you because they didn't email you!" then I just tell it to shut up. Somehow telling the imaginary cow to shut up makes me feel better. I dunno why I picked a cow; but if anxiety had features to me it would resemble an overly large, overwhelmed cow chewing cud obsessively.
posted by ShadePlant at 2:44 PM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by ShadePlant at 2:44 PM on May 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
When I am freaking out in a similar way, I visualize my email as snail mail. It is totally ridiculous, but I imagine printing it out, sealing it up, stamping it and sliding it into one of those big blue boxes. Then I think about the trip it has to take as if it was physical mail: sorting machines and mail carrier bags and mailboxes and my recipient's kitchen table or desk.
This all happens a lot faster than I can write it out but the gist of it is thinking of my email as a real letter takes a lot of the expectation for instant turnaround away. That and now having a massive volume of email to sort through myself lets me cut people a lot of slack.
Also, use really good subject lines and keep each email short and specific to your subject line.
I know I am chiming in super late but I could not resist laying out my strangeness in this matter.
posted by Famous at 6:03 PM on June 3, 2010
This all happens a lot faster than I can write it out but the gist of it is thinking of my email as a real letter takes a lot of the expectation for instant turnaround away. That and now having a massive volume of email to sort through myself lets me cut people a lot of slack.
Also, use really good subject lines and keep each email short and specific to your subject line.
I know I am chiming in super late but I could not resist laying out my strangeness in this matter.
posted by Famous at 6:03 PM on June 3, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ocherdraco at 5:42 PM on May 17, 2010