I trust you as far as I can throw you
May 14, 2010 5:55 AM Subscribe
Help me get over my trust / love issues I feel with my current boyfriend.
Background:
I'm a female in my 20s. I have a great boyfriend that I have been dating for more than 18 months. We have been living together for about a year now.
My past relationships:
First few were going on a few dates in college (exactly that). After that it was a 3 year intense first love experience with AA. I ended it because we both had to move to different places and I didn't want to do the long distance thing. Emotionally, It wasn't that hard of a break up since I kept busy with my new move and new city etc. For the next few years after that, I dated around. Nothing serious. Experimented a whole bunch which was a great experience but it made me into a hard-ass, selfish loner. I became very transactional about guys in general and it was easy for me to have one night stands and not feel any emotions or regrets. I also was dating multiple guys at once with no expectations.
Fast forward to when I met BB. I had no expectations after date 1. I wasn't really planning on seeing him again but we kept on meeting up. He grew on me after a while and 4 months into dating, we became a couple (I stopped talking to other guys, no more random hook ups, became focused on him). A few months after that, he asked me to move in together. After I considered it for a few weeks, I agreed.
We have a great s_x life. We don't both have a ton of other things that keep us busy outside of our couple life (i.e. no hobbies to speak of). We do many outdoor activities together and attend social events together etc. Our jobs keep us very busy.
I have had reasons to mistrust him. 3 instances that I can concretely remember. The first two I brought up to him and he addressed them head on with plausible explanations which I worked hard to accept (first one was a text late one night from a girl he 'dated' asking him to come over. Second was him introducing me to a friend of his at a party. The friend in conversation mentioned that BB had dated the host of the party after he specifically denied it to me. His explanation was that he didn't want me to be jealous) Fine. Whatever. I moved on from that. I know that we both had lives before we met. The latest incident is when I asked him if he has ever been to LOCATION X. He said no, never. When in fact I do know that he has been (empirical evidence in a picture on a social site and a past conversation with him when we started dating which he clearly forgot). I only asked to see what his response would. I didn't expect that he would deny it. That made me freeze and sort of feel distant (my way of protecting both of us from an outburst). It has bothered a couple of times since but I can overlook it as an imperfection. No skin off my back if he is choosing to lie about something immaterial.
If I had to change anything,It would be to do away with boundaries that we have, like the fact that his PC is off limits to me (he ha let me use his guest account on it). If I walk by as he is using his PC I see him changing his page or closing his browser etc (its not p0rn. Our rule is that it is ok for both of us and I don't mind if he does watch it). He hides his phone many times when it rings and rarely answers it in front of me. I don't want to look at his phone or hack his PC in order to learn to trust him.
A few disclaimers:
All this background was provided to show that I can be unreasonable when it comes to emotional matters. It is easier for me to walk away from being hurt than to face confronting someone (speaking of exes here). I am not so in love with him that I can't walk away and be done today (I don't foresee it taking a big toll on me). I am not cruel. That is how I process my feelings. I am generally a happy person. There is nothing earth shattering about our relationship but I am ok with that. I am satisfied with us continuing to be as we are. I enjoy the companionship and I am under no illusions that a fairytale will come of it. I don't want to get married now or anytime in the foreseeable future.
So my questions are:
Should I let him know how I think (probably have him read this) and what I feel? How can I learn to become more positive and trusting? Is there something I'm missing here?
I welcome all constructive advice.
If you need more clarification (ha!) or want to email me directly: MeFihelp@gmail.com
Background:
I'm a female in my 20s. I have a great boyfriend that I have been dating for more than 18 months. We have been living together for about a year now.
My past relationships:
First few were going on a few dates in college (exactly that). After that it was a 3 year intense first love experience with AA. I ended it because we both had to move to different places and I didn't want to do the long distance thing. Emotionally, It wasn't that hard of a break up since I kept busy with my new move and new city etc. For the next few years after that, I dated around. Nothing serious. Experimented a whole bunch which was a great experience but it made me into a hard-ass, selfish loner. I became very transactional about guys in general and it was easy for me to have one night stands and not feel any emotions or regrets. I also was dating multiple guys at once with no expectations.
Fast forward to when I met BB. I had no expectations after date 1. I wasn't really planning on seeing him again but we kept on meeting up. He grew on me after a while and 4 months into dating, we became a couple (I stopped talking to other guys, no more random hook ups, became focused on him). A few months after that, he asked me to move in together. After I considered it for a few weeks, I agreed.
We have a great s_x life. We don't both have a ton of other things that keep us busy outside of our couple life (i.e. no hobbies to speak of). We do many outdoor activities together and attend social events together etc. Our jobs keep us very busy.
I have had reasons to mistrust him. 3 instances that I can concretely remember. The first two I brought up to him and he addressed them head on with plausible explanations which I worked hard to accept (first one was a text late one night from a girl he 'dated' asking him to come over. Second was him introducing me to a friend of his at a party. The friend in conversation mentioned that BB had dated the host of the party after he specifically denied it to me. His explanation was that he didn't want me to be jealous) Fine. Whatever. I moved on from that. I know that we both had lives before we met. The latest incident is when I asked him if he has ever been to LOCATION X. He said no, never. When in fact I do know that he has been (empirical evidence in a picture on a social site and a past conversation with him when we started dating which he clearly forgot). I only asked to see what his response would. I didn't expect that he would deny it. That made me freeze and sort of feel distant (my way of protecting both of us from an outburst). It has bothered a couple of times since but I can overlook it as an imperfection. No skin off my back if he is choosing to lie about something immaterial.
If I had to change anything,It would be to do away with boundaries that we have, like the fact that his PC is off limits to me (he ha let me use his guest account on it). If I walk by as he is using his PC I see him changing his page or closing his browser etc (its not p0rn. Our rule is that it is ok for both of us and I don't mind if he does watch it). He hides his phone many times when it rings and rarely answers it in front of me. I don't want to look at his phone or hack his PC in order to learn to trust him.
A few disclaimers:
All this background was provided to show that I can be unreasonable when it comes to emotional matters. It is easier for me to walk away from being hurt than to face confronting someone (speaking of exes here). I am not so in love with him that I can't walk away and be done today (I don't foresee it taking a big toll on me). I am not cruel. That is how I process my feelings. I am generally a happy person. There is nothing earth shattering about our relationship but I am ok with that. I am satisfied with us continuing to be as we are. I enjoy the companionship and I am under no illusions that a fairytale will come of it. I don't want to get married now or anytime in the foreseeable future.
So my questions are:
Should I let him know how I think (probably have him read this) and what I feel? How can I learn to become more positive and trusting? Is there something I'm missing here?
I welcome all constructive advice.
If you need more clarification (ha!) or want to email me directly: MeFihelp@gmail.com
Well, as others will probably say, I think you already know the answers here.
Why would he lie about having been somewhere before you were together? I suppose you could just ask.
But the hiding of the computer and especially the phone...those aren't just red flags; they're exit signs. He 100% has stuff going on in his life that he does not want you to know about.
So, what do you do? Before you pack it up and move out (but frankly, why are you living with someone you could walk away from today and be done with it...that's kind of unfair to you but also, to him), why don't you ask him about all of this?
But still...I think you're not too engaged with this guy and would be doing both you and him a favor if you left, frankly.
posted by dzaz at 6:11 AM on May 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Why would he lie about having been somewhere before you were together? I suppose you could just ask.
But the hiding of the computer and especially the phone...those aren't just red flags; they're exit signs. He 100% has stuff going on in his life that he does not want you to know about.
So, what do you do? Before you pack it up and move out (but frankly, why are you living with someone you could walk away from today and be done with it...that's kind of unfair to you but also, to him), why don't you ask him about all of this?
But still...I think you're not too engaged with this guy and would be doing both you and him a favor if you left, frankly.
posted by dzaz at 6:11 AM on May 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't live with someone who hid their computer/phone. I just wouldn't. It's not that I would go searching through my husband's computer to look for stuff; but if my partner was acting devious and obviously hiding stuff from me, I would assume that there is no core honesty in the relationship and I would move on.
That said; I still, even with suspicions, I wouldn't hack my partner's system. (For the record guest accounts on Windows can be used to gain admin access in about 90 seconds. It's ethically wrong to do so for cases such as this.)
But if I ever got to the point where I was breaking out a command line to find out what someone I should trust was doing, I would pack my bags. Because at that point, it is not, and probably cannot be, a healthy relationship.
I don't know if he's a habitual liar who cannot be trusted, or if you are paranoid about his slips of memory and social "forgetting" (not mentioning ex-girlfriends is an "I don't want conflict, I just won't mention it" form of social grease). Either way, your relationship is causing way more stress than seems necessary for the level and time of involvement.
You don't trust him. You're always going to have that doubt that he's hiding something from you...because he is rather obviously HIDING SOMETHING FROM YOU.
Move on.
posted by dejah420 at 6:19 AM on May 14, 2010
That said; I still, even with suspicions, I wouldn't hack my partner's system. (For the record guest accounts on Windows can be used to gain admin access in about 90 seconds. It's ethically wrong to do so for cases such as this.)
But if I ever got to the point where I was breaking out a command line to find out what someone I should trust was doing, I would pack my bags. Because at that point, it is not, and probably cannot be, a healthy relationship.
I don't know if he's a habitual liar who cannot be trusted, or if you are paranoid about his slips of memory and social "forgetting" (not mentioning ex-girlfriends is an "I don't want conflict, I just won't mention it" form of social grease). Either way, your relationship is causing way more stress than seems necessary for the level and time of involvement.
You don't trust him. You're always going to have that doubt that he's hiding something from you...because he is rather obviously HIDING SOMETHING FROM YOU.
Move on.
posted by dejah420 at 6:19 AM on May 14, 2010
I personally wouldn't feel the need to work on figuring out how to trust someone who is clearly a liar. The problem here is not you.
posted by something something at 6:23 AM on May 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by something something at 6:23 AM on May 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
I see two main reasons to DTMFA.
1) If you're with him, you're closing yourself off to the opportunity of meeting someone you are crazy about, someone who lights up your life instead of just giving you some companionship to enjoy, someone you could see yourself staying with a long time (marriage or no marriage).
2) If what he's hiding from you - and he is hiding something from you - is that he's cheating on you, then he's exposing you to STDs without your knowledge and consent, and that is not cool, and not a risk you probably want to take.
Yeah, companionship is nice, but being single has its perks too.
posted by shaun uh at 6:38 AM on May 14, 2010
1) If you're with him, you're closing yourself off to the opportunity of meeting someone you are crazy about, someone who lights up your life instead of just giving you some companionship to enjoy, someone you could see yourself staying with a long time (marriage or no marriage).
2) If what he's hiding from you - and he is hiding something from you - is that he's cheating on you, then he's exposing you to STDs without your knowledge and consent, and that is not cool, and not a risk you probably want to take.
Yeah, companionship is nice, but being single has its perks too.
posted by shaun uh at 6:38 AM on May 14, 2010
So, you're in your twenties, having good s_x (sox? sax? I suspect we're all grownups here, so it's probably safe to use grownup words) with somebody who you otherwise don't trust?
Yeah, walk away.
How can I learn to become more positive and trusting? Is there something I'm missing here?
Yes. "Positive and trusting" is not the same as "overoptimistic and gullible".
posted by mhoye at 6:39 AM on May 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
Yeah, walk away.
How can I learn to become more positive and trusting? Is there something I'm missing here?
Yes. "Positive and trusting" is not the same as "overoptimistic and gullible".
posted by mhoye at 6:39 AM on May 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
I would phrase it something like: "You know I'm not generally a jealous person, and it's just as important to me that we each have parts of our lives separate from whatever we're doing here together, but I keep getting signals off of you that you're specifically hiding things from me, and that's making me a little miserable."
And then don't make it about specific small behaviors that you've noticed. If he is cheating on you, and is already habitually lying about it, it'll be second nature to deny those specific worries and offer excuses that attempt to make you feel foolish. If you go down this conversational path anyway -- he may need to hear examples to understand what you're talking about -- make sure to back up and explain that none of these specifics are really the issue, that the issue is how things are making you feel.
If you'd like to make the relationship work, I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not to follow that up with something like "Maybe I am just paranoid, but if we want this to work out between us something has to change." (Overtly threatening the relationship itself isn't such a good pattern to fall into.)
Lastly, if you're fully convinced that he's seeing other people, and if you can offer this and genuinely feel comfortable with it, you could talk about having an open relationship. Make sure it's clear that while neither of you should feel obligated to share everything else going on in your life, that lying/sneaking just doesn't work.
posted by nobody at 6:51 AM on May 14, 2010
And then don't make it about specific small behaviors that you've noticed. If he is cheating on you, and is already habitually lying about it, it'll be second nature to deny those specific worries and offer excuses that attempt to make you feel foolish. If you go down this conversational path anyway -- he may need to hear examples to understand what you're talking about -- make sure to back up and explain that none of these specifics are really the issue, that the issue is how things are making you feel.
If you'd like to make the relationship work, I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not to follow that up with something like "Maybe I am just paranoid, but if we want this to work out between us something has to change." (Overtly threatening the relationship itself isn't such a good pattern to fall into.)
Lastly, if you're fully convinced that he's seeing other people, and if you can offer this and genuinely feel comfortable with it, you could talk about having an open relationship. Make sure it's clear that while neither of you should feel obligated to share everything else going on in your life, that lying/sneaking just doesn't work.
posted by nobody at 6:51 AM on May 14, 2010
He's dishonest and secretive with you, and you're asking how you can learn to trust him more? I think you've got this a little bit backwards.
Everyone deserves privacy, even with romantic partners--and romantic partners need to trust each other enough to allow each other sufficient privacy. The problem is, he's not asking for privacy and making his needs clear. He's lying to you and hiding things. Those are not behaviors worthy of your trust. I think you should definitely talk to him about that if you want to continue the relationship, but I think you need to update your understanding of trust. Trust does not mean that one of you can behave secretively and strangely, and the other just has to swallow his/her concerns.
Have you ever just said something like, "Why don't you ever answer your phone in front of me? It makes me feel like you're hiding something--or someone--when you put your phone away if it rings when I'm in the room"?
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:04 AM on May 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Everyone deserves privacy, even with romantic partners--and romantic partners need to trust each other enough to allow each other sufficient privacy. The problem is, he's not asking for privacy and making his needs clear. He's lying to you and hiding things. Those are not behaviors worthy of your trust. I think you should definitely talk to him about that if you want to continue the relationship, but I think you need to update your understanding of trust. Trust does not mean that one of you can behave secretively and strangely, and the other just has to swallow his/her concerns.
Have you ever just said something like, "Why don't you ever answer your phone in front of me? It makes me feel like you're hiding something--or someone--when you put your phone away if it rings when I'm in the room"?
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:04 AM on May 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your boyfriend is either cheating on you, or is a secret agent.
That said, it's certainly possible that he's running from something in his past, or is an inherently private person. The text from the ex is completely plausible, and he very well may have an explanation if you confront him about it. If he doesn't, I think you already know what you need to do...
posted by schmod at 7:11 AM on May 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
That said, it's certainly possible that he's running from something in his past, or is an inherently private person. The text from the ex is completely plausible, and he very well may have an explanation if you confront him about it. If he doesn't, I think you already know what you need to do...
posted by schmod at 7:11 AM on May 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
"How can I learn to become more positive and trusting? Is there something I'm missing here?
Yes. "Positive and trusting" is not the same as "overoptimistic and gullible"."
Seconded.
You've described this so clearly and unambiguously as a case of him not being worthy of your trust that your question of "How do I trust him" doesn't actually make any sense. Is there some other element at work here that makes you think you should be trusting him? Is there any reason other than the hassle of finding a new place that would make you consider staying with someone who isn't even making a token effort to be trustworthy to you?
I don't really think you've left anything out, I think he or someone else is manipulating you into thinking that a boyfriend should be trusted implicitly no matter what or there's an ethical failing on your part for not trusting unconditionally. These are not true things.
posted by EtzHadaat at 7:29 AM on May 14, 2010
Yes. "Positive and trusting" is not the same as "overoptimistic and gullible"."
Seconded.
You've described this so clearly and unambiguously as a case of him not being worthy of your trust that your question of "How do I trust him" doesn't actually make any sense. Is there some other element at work here that makes you think you should be trusting him? Is there any reason other than the hassle of finding a new place that would make you consider staying with someone who isn't even making a token effort to be trustworthy to you?
I don't really think you've left anything out, I think he or someone else is manipulating you into thinking that a boyfriend should be trusted implicitly no matter what or there's an ethical failing on your part for not trusting unconditionally. These are not true things.
posted by EtzHadaat at 7:29 AM on May 14, 2010
I'm sorry to say that a lot of this sounds familiar to me. I eventually found out he was on a dating site (he said 'I thought we were on a break', I forgave him), that he was logging into personal accounts ('I was upset and I just wanted to know how you really felt about me') and that he was arranging to meet with gurls behind my back (he wanted to end it, but apparently, if he did I'd kill myself, he told our friend.)
"He said no, never. When in fact I do know that he has been (empirical evidence in a picture on a social site and a past conversation with him when we started dating which he clearly forgot). I only asked to see what his response would."
Two massive red flags here.
1) He felt the need to lie about this.
2) You felt the need to catch him out.
"I am not so in love with him that I can't walk away and be done today...). I am not so in love with him that I can't walk away and be done today"
When I was with the man mentioned above, my friend said 'You're used to crumbs when you should be eating a full meal.' Life's too short to be spending time and energy on someone who gives you an emotional semi-erection.
posted by mippy at 7:41 AM on May 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
"He said no, never. When in fact I do know that he has been (empirical evidence in a picture on a social site and a past conversation with him when we started dating which he clearly forgot). I only asked to see what his response would."
Two massive red flags here.
1) He felt the need to lie about this.
2) You felt the need to catch him out.
"I am not so in love with him that I can't walk away and be done today...). I am not so in love with him that I can't walk away and be done today"
When I was with the man mentioned above, my friend said 'You're used to crumbs when you should be eating a full meal.' Life's too short to be spending time and energy on someone who gives you an emotional semi-erection.
posted by mippy at 7:41 AM on May 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
You don't sound out of line to me. If *he* is the one telling you that you need to trust him more, then you should consider the source.
I am a private person - I keep my phone locked and my computer locked. But if you're my live-in boyfriend, or even not live-in, I don't go out of my way to hide what I am doing or looking at. I tell you this because his behavior seems sketchy and full of red flags to me.
If you haven't told him his behavior bothers you, then yes, tell him. If he brushes you off and tells you that you have a problem or you're just jealous or crazy or whatever, then you need to really, really question your relationship, because either he is doing something that he needs to hide from you, which is a problem, or he won't even make a token effort to compromise with you or help you work through this, and that is also a big problem.
Most people can occasionally be "unreasonable" when it comes to almost anything. That is not a reason to ignore gut feelings like the ones you have described to us.
posted by mrs. taters at 7:46 AM on May 14, 2010
I am a private person - I keep my phone locked and my computer locked. But if you're my live-in boyfriend, or even not live-in, I don't go out of my way to hide what I am doing or looking at. I tell you this because his behavior seems sketchy and full of red flags to me.
If you haven't told him his behavior bothers you, then yes, tell him. If he brushes you off and tells you that you have a problem or you're just jealous or crazy or whatever, then you need to really, really question your relationship, because either he is doing something that he needs to hide from you, which is a problem, or he won't even make a token effort to compromise with you or help you work through this, and that is also a big problem.
Most people can occasionally be "unreasonable" when it comes to almost anything. That is not a reason to ignore gut feelings like the ones you have described to us.
posted by mrs. taters at 7:46 AM on May 14, 2010
...it made me into a hard-ass, selfish loner.
I suspect you're more worried about yourself growing cynical and cold than about trusting this boyfriend in particular. To address that: yes, you absolutely can un-embitter yourself and Learn To Love Again. It takes time, and trial and error, and a little effort, but it is more doable than you think. I swear.
The catch is that it won't happen as long as you're with someone who isn't trustworthy. You can let your guard down, you can choose to hope, but he will eventually do something to mess that up. There are plenty of people who won't sabotage your trust, go find one.
On preview, seconding mippy: if you have to "test" your boyfriend, it's a bad sign.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:56 AM on May 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I suspect you're more worried about yourself growing cynical and cold than about trusting this boyfriend in particular. To address that: yes, you absolutely can un-embitter yourself and Learn To Love Again. It takes time, and trial and error, and a little effort, but it is more doable than you think. I swear.
The catch is that it won't happen as long as you're with someone who isn't trustworthy. You can let your guard down, you can choose to hope, but he will eventually do something to mess that up. There are plenty of people who won't sabotage your trust, go find one.
On preview, seconding mippy: if you have to "test" your boyfriend, it's a bad sign.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:56 AM on May 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Even if you're misinterpreting his behaviour, it sounds like an unhealthy level of suspicion in a relationship. If you really are that uninvested in the future of this thing, I'd take it as a sign that you aren't personally ready for anything serious.
It might be easier to think about if the "truth about what he's doing" is irrelevant to what you decide. How do you want to be in a relationship? This suspicion stuff can be exhausting.
posted by ServSci at 8:39 AM on May 14, 2010
It might be easier to think about if the "truth about what he's doing" is irrelevant to what you decide. How do you want to be in a relationship? This suspicion stuff can be exhausting.
posted by ServSci at 8:39 AM on May 14, 2010
Has it occurred to you that your boyfriend, BB, picked you BECAUSE you are so completely the opposite of a clingy, needy partner that he can get away with lying to you all the time?
Because it does sound like he is lying to you about just about everything, even things that seem inconsequential and shouldn't really matter.
Instead of wondering how you can trust him, I'd be looking for a way out of this relationship.
Chalk it up to being, rather than the cynical and easy-breezy person you think you are, a little naive about relationships because you don't have the prior experience to judge when someone is taking advantage of you.
In other words, DTMFA.
posted by misha at 10:51 AM on May 14, 2010
Because it does sound like he is lying to you about just about everything, even things that seem inconsequential and shouldn't really matter.
Instead of wondering how you can trust him, I'd be looking for a way out of this relationship.
Chalk it up to being, rather than the cynical and easy-breezy person you think you are, a little naive about relationships because you don't have the prior experience to judge when someone is taking advantage of you.
In other words, DTMFA.
posted by misha at 10:51 AM on May 14, 2010
Mod note: From the OP:
thank you all for your advice. It didn't cross my mind that he would be cheating on me but I don't think that it's possible. Besides our day jobs, we spend all the rest of our time together. I should also mention that I don't let him use my PC. I haven't bothered to sit and clean it of my 'single' life activities. I plan on confronting him and then start packing...posted by jessamyn (staff) at 11:55 AM on May 14, 2010
I just want to note that the precise situation here sounds to me like it might be a touch more complicated than originally presented.
You just went from describing him as a "great boyfriend" and asking for advice on how to be more trusting, to being ready "start packing" after a few rounds of anonymous internet comments.
Being able to trust each other is of course important, but I'd like to suggest that -- assuming you're right and he's not cheating on you, and with this new information that your mindset is also such that you wouldn't let him see your computer's remnants of your "'single' life activities" -- the tone of many of the DTMFA comments here might have been considerably softer.
I'd suggest that many of them were coming from a place that assumed you were being a naive dupe and that of course he's cheating on you.
Now, maybe you were being a naive dupe, and still are; and maybe even if he's not cheating on you he's hiding something equally specific and offensive. Maybe he's unemployed and goes home to his daytime wife and kids whenever you're off at work. Maybe he has a secret sick and dying relative, or maybe he's secretly sick and dying. Maybe he spends all day online flirting with his college roommate.
And/or maybe you knew all along that you wanted to dump him, and this post helped solidify that for you. Or maybe you felt like you needed permission to do it. Or cause.
I guess I'm just registering that something feels off about this. And maybe you're doing the right thing, but just make sure you're being honest with yourself about the reasons, if your next step is, in fact, to walk away.
(You might as well also get tested for STDs.)
posted by nobody at 9:24 PM on May 14, 2010
You just went from describing him as a "great boyfriend" and asking for advice on how to be more trusting, to being ready "start packing" after a few rounds of anonymous internet comments.
Being able to trust each other is of course important, but I'd like to suggest that -- assuming you're right and he's not cheating on you, and with this new information that your mindset is also such that you wouldn't let him see your computer's remnants of your "'single' life activities" -- the tone of many of the DTMFA comments here might have been considerably softer.
I'd suggest that many of them were coming from a place that assumed you were being a naive dupe and that of course he's cheating on you.
Now, maybe you were being a naive dupe, and still are; and maybe even if he's not cheating on you he's hiding something equally specific and offensive. Maybe he's unemployed and goes home to his daytime wife and kids whenever you're off at work. Maybe he has a secret sick and dying relative, or maybe he's secretly sick and dying. Maybe he spends all day online flirting with his college roommate.
And/or maybe you knew all along that you wanted to dump him, and this post helped solidify that for you. Or maybe you felt like you needed permission to do it. Or cause.
I guess I'm just registering that something feels off about this. And maybe you're doing the right thing, but just make sure you're being honest with yourself about the reasons, if your next step is, in fact, to walk away.
(You might as well also get tested for STDs.)
posted by nobody at 9:24 PM on May 14, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
This is the bigger problem, I think. Why waste your time and energy on someone you don't care that deeply about?
posted by bunny hugger at 6:09 AM on May 14, 2010