Undecided about how to progress with my life ambitions, relationships and career. Please advise? Thank you!

May 8, 2010 11:54 AM

I feel like I am at a cross-road and need to decide soon what actions to take for the future. Please help me decide!

Basically to recap the last six months of my life:

After graduating at a business college with a degree in Computer Networking and Engineering, I decided to take a small break and went to Arizona to see my parents. Whilst I was there I ended up meeting a guy I have been interested in dating, we've talked online for probably 2 years. We met up in Las Vegas, and it turned out due to work he could only spend one evening with me. Well suffice, we had an amazing evening and the next morning he left back to California where he lives normally.

I headed back to Alberta shortly after that and got a job at a network of luxury car dealerships as the company "IT Specialist" in-charge of the websites and also all the computer systems. From the get go I never liked my boss, he was always rude to me and had a bad energy about him but I was a trooper and stuck it out as long as I could. I decided to resign two weeks ago and am finally out in the world again. In those four months, I managed to bank $12 000. I'm at a stage now where I would really like a change. The truth is, since I have lived in Canada my entire life I want to try someplace with a more tropical climate. I'd love to be-able to learn how to surf and generally am keen to spend more time outdoors. I'd also like to have a small but nice apartment for myself. Since I graduated college I've lived with my parents so I don't really know how challenging this goal is going to be. My resume is pretty decent now so I am hoping getting a job isn't going to be impossible.

My parents have second houses and are retired in Phoenix Arizona. Although I like it more there then I do in Canada, I still would rather be near a beach, the dry air really gets to me for some reason. I would also like to find a city with a population between 100 000 - 300 000. California seems like it would be a good compromise to what I want, however I have mixed feelings about going there because I know that its a very competitive market and also a expensive one.

I ended up talking with that boy I met in Las Vegas recently. He's telling me that he will be leaving for his work to Europe and won't be back to California for 8 months to a year so he would really like to see me again before he goes. I also feel kind of unsettled about this because last time he promised me we would be able to spend a week together and it turned into a few short hours on last minute notice. Also, after our amazing time together he showed no ambition for me to move closer to him or explore the theory that we could someday have a relationship in person. He tells me he loves me and misses me but it just seems like he has no ambition for a real relationship. If I go, I'm going to end up missing him all over again and in the back of my mind I know that whilst he is away he will no doubt be having sex with other people and that thought upsets me.

Onto my questions,

1. Considering my education and work experience how likely is it that I will be-able to obtain employment in another country given the current economic climate?
2. Are there other states/countries that are easier to obtain work in then California with the kind of characteristics I'm looking for?
3. What should I do about this relationship? am I over analyzing it or do you think I am right and need to cut him loose even though it makes me quite sad?

posted by servix to human relations (11 answers total)

On 1) and 2) I don't have any idea.

Regarding 3) I don't think you need to just cut him loose. However, what you have doesn't sound like a relationship to me. It sounds like you have an interesting person that you've met in person once, for a few hours, where circumstances just aren't right at the moment for things to work out. Don't forget about him, but don't plan on things working out. Don't rearrange your own life around him. By all means, move to California if you can find work and a nice place to live. But don't do it just to be close to him.

It is possible that it will work out with him in the future. But don't ignore opportunities that come your way now because you're holding out for someone that's not available or interested at the moment. You deserve a relationship with somebody who wants to be with you, not someone who tells you online that he misses you, but takes no initiative to actually see you.
posted by number9dream at 12:06 PM on May 8, 2010

3. Uh, well, you can cut him loose or you can accept that he will keep being the way he is--and he does not want the relationship you want. So how much time, energy, money are you willing to invest in him NOW, exactly as he is?
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 12:07 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

1) I don't think you'll know until you try.
2) Well, the techier areas of California are up north in Silicon Valley/San Francisco. They're not really the idea places to learn to surf. I'm sure there's opportunity in Southern California. Other than that, you're probably looking at Florida...or Hawaii.
3) You had a night, not a relationship. The good and bad thing about not having been with him long is you can project your fantasies on the blank slate. But he's clearly prioritizing other things. You have an acquaintance, not a relationship. Best to let this one be. Besides, you'll be busy moving onwards and upwards.

Good luck!
posted by inturnaround at 12:22 PM on May 8, 2010

1. The job market throughout the US is pretty dismal, and California is especially tough. You've only got four months of work experience and it's a state packed to the gills with very qualified tech industry people. If my experiences trying to find a job over the last two years in California is any indication, I suspect it would be very hard for you to find a job. Also, I don't know how this works exactly, but would you need a job that would sponsor a work visa for you to come from Canada? Because that's even harder to get.

2. I've got no idea.

3. About the relationship, I don't it is one. It doesn't sound like he really loves you, and even if he does, it's obvious he doesn't have the same goals for the relationship. This sounds like a situation doomed to cause you a lot of pain the longer you put your energy toward it. This thread and and this one have a lot of answers that I think will resemble the ones you're going to get here, but I suspect you already know that.
posted by mostlymartha at 12:26 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

San Diego is probably the "easiest" place to find work in Southern California right now, and it's a darn tropical place. I don't have a clue how your work visa, etc. would work though.

If I were Canadian I'd be all over living in the US for a while. Spend your golden at-parity Canadian dollars on cheap goods, live the high and sunny life for a while, then peace out if you need medical attention or if the situation gets worse in the US.
posted by speedgraphic at 12:28 PM on May 8, 2010

1. The tech industry wasn't hit very hard by the recession, unemployment in the tech sector in California is around 5%. Recruiters have started cold-calling me, and I know that lots of Silicon Valley companies are ramping up hiring. Being Canadian makes you more attractive than an Indian H1B candidate because of language and culture issues.

2. California is your best bet. Northern California isn't tropical, but maybe compared to Canada it will feel that way? There are lots of surfers in the Bay Area. It is a lot bigger than 300,000 though.

3. Have you talked to him about you moving to California? The only reason to not bring it up yourself is because you are afraid he will tell you something you don't want to hear, and you'd rather tell yourself he's just not quite ready and maybe if you give him time, he'll come around. So, raise the issue and it will become clearer what he really wants. But definitely dump him if he's still ambivalent.
posted by AlsoMike at 1:17 PM on May 8, 2010

3. Do you actually want to live in California, or do you think that by somehow being nearer to this Random Internet Guy you'll be able to force a relationship? It's said here on MeFi and everywhere else, but seriously: Believe what people tell you about themselves. He's not making you a priority.
posted by runningwithscissors at 2:41 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

You sound like you're looking for a change in your life, which makes sense given your age and history so far. Maybe the reason you're projecting so much onto this guy is because it's exciting, gives you something different to think about? I agree that there isn't really a relationship there yet, just one fun night and a bunch of potential which could mean anything (or nothing).

So why not really make a change. Come to New Zealand. We have trouble educating enough IT people so there are jobs there, and hiring foreigners isn't terribly unusual in your industry. Look into working holiday visas, come for six months or a year. It's not exactly tropical but it doesn't snow and the surfing is amazing. So is the skiing and tramping (hiking) and kayaking and mountain biking and off road running and anything else you might want to try. Parts of Australia are warmer than NZ and they surf, go there if that seems more appealing. Then at the end of your visit you can look at moving to California for something more permanent and see if there is potential with the guy. You'll have a bunch of exciting experiences and personal growth etc to match up with his time in Europe and will be in a better place to settle down (or not!).

If you do move to California now the most you're going to get is a short time with the guy before he heads off to newer pastures again. That's not enough to decide your whole life around. You have so many options available, try thinking a little more ambitiously.
posted by shelleycat at 6:17 PM on May 8, 2010

Oh and if thinking about going somewhere further afield makes you go "Heck no, I want to move to California!" then cool! One part of the question answered. Work on making that happen. Do think about all your other options too though, dreaming is fun if nothing else.
posted by shelleycat at 6:52 PM on May 8, 2010

Aren't there going to be immigration issues if you move to the US? It's probably not as easy as you think to switch countries, so keep that in mind. I like NorCal myself, but it's not the best time ever to move here.

Also seconding all who say not to make this guy a priority.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:28 PM on May 8, 2010

Your skills are in demand in Australia.

As shelleycat says, make a change and cross the Equator. Thinking about your ideas for where you'd like to live, Newcastle in NSW has about 290,000 people, half a dozen outstanding surf beaches, a bunch of National parks within easy driving, and significant IT infrastructure in local government, State government and industry. NSW summers tend towards the humid rather than the dry, and the real estate market isn't quite as ludicrous as in Sydney.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 6:10 PM on May 9, 2010