Don't tell me what to do!
May 8, 2010 11:27 AM Subscribe
How can I deal with a wonderful boyfriend who has the tendency to boss and nag?
We are both competent professionals who tend towards procrastination and both have some vices (our vices tend to be things like watching too much TV rather than things like drugs or gambling).
I in particular procrastinate a LOT. He procrastinates himself, a lot, but I do it more. But the difference is I don't have a problem with it. I don't complain about it, complain about the consequences of it, or rely on him to get me out of jams when they come up.
The only reason I even tell him is because he always wants to know everything going on in my life, and it bothers him if I don't tell him everything. I don't mind this per se, I am usually a very open person and I like relationships that are very open too. I completely wouldn't mind telling him everything going on with me if he didn't start acting the way he does. But the way he acts makes me want to lie to him or keep things from him, and I hate living like that. (I know that his wanting to know all my daily life details sounds like the sort of thing that could escalate into something darker, but we've been together 3 years and it hasn't gotten any darker at all.)
This is what happens.
He will call me and ask what I'm up to. I'll say "oh nothing, just playing some computer games." He'll say "do you have anything you need to get done other than computer games?"
Me: "Yeah, but I'm not going to do it right now."
Him: "You still have to finish Work Project X?"
Me: "Yep."
Him: "You should turn off the computer and do it right now."
Me: "No, I don't think that's necessary."
Him: "You should really do it."
Me: "No, I don't think so."
Him: "Why do you need to play computer games right now?"
Me: "Because I want to."
Him: "Honey. Turn off the computer."
Me: "No! Stop bossing me!"
It makes me want to pull my hair out! Sometimes when it goes on long enough I get REALLY MAD. Then I feel bad because I know he's just concerned. Still, I hate being made to feel like a naughty child who isn't doing as she's told. I am an adult! If I screw my self over, so be it! I deal with the consequences by myself, I NEVER look for him to help me deal with them.
In fact I usually explicitly reject help that he offers sometimes (that I have not asked for) just so that he will never feel as if he has justification to tell me what to do (I do not want to hear him say "last time you didn't listen to me and then I had to help you do X so do what I say this time.)
One time we even went back and forth long enough that HE got annoyed (I think I was basically responding to everything he said with a simple "no.") When I noticed he was annoyed I asked if he was mad at me for not doing what he wanted. He said "not mad... just disappointed like a parent would be with a child." That gave me chills! I do NOT want to have a parent-child relationship with my boyfriend, and I do not want to be treated like anyone's child! That's disrespectful.
Then the instances of nagging. I planned to paint my front porch and there were all these steps I had take to do so. (Usual steps... buy the paint, move stuff on the steps, cover things I didn't want to get paint on). Every day he would "remind" me of the steps I hadn't yet done. I got more and more irritated. One day he said "will you be upset with me if I remind you to do this tomorrow?" In response to that I said "honey... you REALLY don't have to remind me." He didn't say anything more about the steps after that so I thought he understood, but then the next time I had a task to do he started doing it again.
What can I do about this? I know that he is only concerned about me and wants to help. That's why I don't want to say anything harsh or cruel. But I am getting more and more irritated and I really need for him to stop this. I would never break up over this, I love him very much and like I said, he's wonderful. But I am worried that the bossing and nagging is just part of his makeup.
I also see it when we go places, if we disagree, it's very hard to get him to trust my judgment instead of his. Even if I know what I'm talking about, we always have to have an argument about it, even though I honestly can't recall a single time I insisted to him I was right but was actually wrong.
We are both competent professionals who tend towards procrastination and both have some vices (our vices tend to be things like watching too much TV rather than things like drugs or gambling).
I in particular procrastinate a LOT. He procrastinates himself, a lot, but I do it more. But the difference is I don't have a problem with it. I don't complain about it, complain about the consequences of it, or rely on him to get me out of jams when they come up.
The only reason I even tell him is because he always wants to know everything going on in my life, and it bothers him if I don't tell him everything. I don't mind this per se, I am usually a very open person and I like relationships that are very open too. I completely wouldn't mind telling him everything going on with me if he didn't start acting the way he does. But the way he acts makes me want to lie to him or keep things from him, and I hate living like that. (I know that his wanting to know all my daily life details sounds like the sort of thing that could escalate into something darker, but we've been together 3 years and it hasn't gotten any darker at all.)
This is what happens.
He will call me and ask what I'm up to. I'll say "oh nothing, just playing some computer games." He'll say "do you have anything you need to get done other than computer games?"
Me: "Yeah, but I'm not going to do it right now."
Him: "You still have to finish Work Project X?"
Me: "Yep."
Him: "You should turn off the computer and do it right now."
Me: "No, I don't think that's necessary."
Him: "You should really do it."
Me: "No, I don't think so."
Him: "Why do you need to play computer games right now?"
Me: "Because I want to."
Him: "Honey. Turn off the computer."
Me: "No! Stop bossing me!"
It makes me want to pull my hair out! Sometimes when it goes on long enough I get REALLY MAD. Then I feel bad because I know he's just concerned. Still, I hate being made to feel like a naughty child who isn't doing as she's told. I am an adult! If I screw my self over, so be it! I deal with the consequences by myself, I NEVER look for him to help me deal with them.
In fact I usually explicitly reject help that he offers sometimes (that I have not asked for) just so that he will never feel as if he has justification to tell me what to do (I do not want to hear him say "last time you didn't listen to me and then I had to help you do X so do what I say this time.)
One time we even went back and forth long enough that HE got annoyed (I think I was basically responding to everything he said with a simple "no.") When I noticed he was annoyed I asked if he was mad at me for not doing what he wanted. He said "not mad... just disappointed like a parent would be with a child." That gave me chills! I do NOT want to have a parent-child relationship with my boyfriend, and I do not want to be treated like anyone's child! That's disrespectful.
Then the instances of nagging. I planned to paint my front porch and there were all these steps I had take to do so. (Usual steps... buy the paint, move stuff on the steps, cover things I didn't want to get paint on). Every day he would "remind" me of the steps I hadn't yet done. I got more and more irritated. One day he said "will you be upset with me if I remind you to do this tomorrow?" In response to that I said "honey... you REALLY don't have to remind me." He didn't say anything more about the steps after that so I thought he understood, but then the next time I had a task to do he started doing it again.
What can I do about this? I know that he is only concerned about me and wants to help. That's why I don't want to say anything harsh or cruel. But I am getting more and more irritated and I really need for him to stop this. I would never break up over this, I love him very much and like I said, he's wonderful. But I am worried that the bossing and nagging is just part of his makeup.
I also see it when we go places, if we disagree, it's very hard to get him to trust my judgment instead of his. Even if I know what I'm talking about, we always have to have an argument about it, even though I honestly can't recall a single time I insisted to him I was right but was actually wrong.
It sounds like you need to communicate with him just how important it is to you that he work on stopping this behavior.
There are several behaviors (needing to know everything, reminding you of your own tasks, expressing disappointment in a condescending/parental way) that you'd agree and I'd agree are controlling and unacceptable - the question is, can he see it this way? Or, even if he can't understand why you have a problem with them, can he still work on ending them, for your sake?
You need to make clear to him that this is a big deal to you, you're not just joking around. In the end, though, you can't change him - so you'll need to figure out whether these behaviors are dealbreakers. And if they are, make sure he knows that if he doesn't work on fixing this, you're out of there.
posted by shaun uh at 12:19 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
There are several behaviors (needing to know everything, reminding you of your own tasks, expressing disappointment in a condescending/parental way) that you'd agree and I'd agree are controlling and unacceptable - the question is, can he see it this way? Or, even if he can't understand why you have a problem with them, can he still work on ending them, for your sake?
You need to make clear to him that this is a big deal to you, you're not just joking around. In the end, though, you can't change him - so you'll need to figure out whether these behaviors are dealbreakers. And if they are, make sure he knows that if he doesn't work on fixing this, you're out of there.
posted by shaun uh at 12:19 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I was in a similar situation, except flip-flopped. I was, and am sometimes still, the nagger to my frequently procrastinating husband.
What helped me to stop was to realize that I was busy looking at his behavior so I didn't have to look at my own. Some things in my life were not as I wanted them to be, mostly because I hadn't done the things I needed to do. But it was easier to focus on his missteps. (I am not justifying my behavior in any way, it was reprehensible. I'm trying to give you an understanding of the other side.) Of course I justified it to myself by saying that it was for his own benefit. I was also used to being on my own and not having to depend on anyone else or compromise on timelines.
He knows you're lying and being evasive, and that makes him want to control the situation further, because he doesn't have any idea what the full situation is and can't trust you. Help him to trust you. Don't make ANY false promises about when you'll have something done; if you plan to paint your porch tomorrow but you might spend the day playing games instead, say that instead of "I'm going to paint my porch." Again this does not excuse his behavior, and you are not responsible for it, but I am letting you know what has helped me, the controlling partner.
Here's what you need to tell him: you already know what you need to do, even if you're not doing it. You realize that there are negative consequences for not following through on task X. When he's nagging you, ask him what he's really worried about and how those consequences affect him. If they don't affect him (what does he care if your porch is not painted?) then tell him that you need him to back off.
Him: "You should turn off the computer and do it right now."
Me: "No, I don't think that's necessary."
This is beyond the pale and your response is not assertive enough because it leaves room for him to argue that it IS necessary. "No, it's none of your business." Do not make promises to do it later, do not argue with him about why it needs to be done, tell him that you're responsible for the task and you'll do it when you get to it ("when I feel like it" comes off as childish - try to take the high road even if he's being immature).
He doesn't trust you and you two need to figure out why. In my case, it was that I didn't trust ANYONE (including myself), due to some things in my past, and my husband just happened to be in the line of fire. (He also became evasive about some things due to my controlling behavior, which as I said just multiplied the effect.) So talk to him about that first, and also set firm guidelines on what you will and will not tolerate as far as interference in your life. Good luck.
posted by desjardins at 12:24 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
What helped me to stop was to realize that I was busy looking at his behavior so I didn't have to look at my own. Some things in my life were not as I wanted them to be, mostly because I hadn't done the things I needed to do. But it was easier to focus on his missteps. (I am not justifying my behavior in any way, it was reprehensible. I'm trying to give you an understanding of the other side.) Of course I justified it to myself by saying that it was for his own benefit. I was also used to being on my own and not having to depend on anyone else or compromise on timelines.
He knows you're lying and being evasive, and that makes him want to control the situation further, because he doesn't have any idea what the full situation is and can't trust you. Help him to trust you. Don't make ANY false promises about when you'll have something done; if you plan to paint your porch tomorrow but you might spend the day playing games instead, say that instead of "I'm going to paint my porch." Again this does not excuse his behavior, and you are not responsible for it, but I am letting you know what has helped me, the controlling partner.
Here's what you need to tell him: you already know what you need to do, even if you're not doing it. You realize that there are negative consequences for not following through on task X. When he's nagging you, ask him what he's really worried about and how those consequences affect him. If they don't affect him (what does he care if your porch is not painted?) then tell him that you need him to back off.
Him: "You should turn off the computer and do it right now."
Me: "No, I don't think that's necessary."
This is beyond the pale and your response is not assertive enough because it leaves room for him to argue that it IS necessary. "No, it's none of your business." Do not make promises to do it later, do not argue with him about why it needs to be done, tell him that you're responsible for the task and you'll do it when you get to it ("when I feel like it" comes off as childish - try to take the high road even if he's being immature).
He doesn't trust you and you two need to figure out why. In my case, it was that I didn't trust ANYONE (including myself), due to some things in my past, and my husband just happened to be in the line of fire. (He also became evasive about some things due to my controlling behavior, which as I said just multiplied the effect.) So talk to him about that first, and also set firm guidelines on what you will and will not tolerate as far as interference in your life. Good luck.
posted by desjardins at 12:24 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
one more thing
But I am worried that the bossing and nagging is just part of his makeup.
I think I will probably always be inclined to be controlling, but now that I'm aware that I'm doing it, and the effect it has on my partner, I can choose whether or not to act on it. I don't think your boyfriend knows he has a choice.
posted by desjardins at 12:26 PM on May 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
But I am worried that the bossing and nagging is just part of his makeup.
I think I will probably always be inclined to be controlling, but now that I'm aware that I'm doing it, and the effect it has on my partner, I can choose whether or not to act on it. I don't think your boyfriend knows he has a choice.
posted by desjardins at 12:26 PM on May 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Tell him that you find his controlling behaviour uncomfortable and ask him to stop. Explain that you want him to stop doing X, Y and Z.
Do that before you do anything else. He needs to be told clearly and calmly that his behaviour is unacceptable to you. Until you do this, he might not even realise that this is a problem for you. There's a difference between "harsh and cruel" and "honest and assertive". There's no need to be mean, but there is a need to be clear.
If, after you've told him that this is a problem, he continues, then you'll need to review the situation again.
posted by Solomon at 12:29 PM on May 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Do that before you do anything else. He needs to be told clearly and calmly that his behaviour is unacceptable to you. Until you do this, he might not even realise that this is a problem for you. There's a difference between "harsh and cruel" and "honest and assertive". There's no need to be mean, but there is a need to be clear.
If, after you've told him that this is a problem, he continues, then you'll need to review the situation again.
posted by Solomon at 12:29 PM on May 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Ugh. This is one of my personal pet peeves with boyfriends/roommates/family. I can't stand being helpfully "reminded" to do things I know perfectly well I need to do.* The only time when I see it as being okay is if the undone task directly affects the other person. For example, dishes in the sink for two weeks that you keep saying you're "going to do," deserves some nagging (if you live together and share a sink). Same with non-payment of joint bills.
Tasks like work projects and non-imperative chores you shouldn't have to justify AT ALL. If you say you're going to do something tomorrow, like paint the porch, and you end up not doing it should not give him a pass to say anything. (Unless it's a shared porch and the paint set-up keeps it from being passable.) It is not your problem if this, for some Type A reason, bothers him. You need to communicate that these sort of things are not his concern, and you are an adult that has your life under control. Tell him if he feels like a "parent" because he can't control your time that maybe he has some issues he should research/think about. Being in a relationship does not give him license to assume a paternal role, regardless of how much he might like to control things, or how not being able to control another person makes him feel. Don't even participate in exchanges like you mentioned with the computer games; cut him off as soon as he starts trying to control and organize your life.
Of course, if you constantly complain to him about how you wish you could get the porch painted or your work done earlier, it's a slightly different story. Same with if you constantly cancel plans with him to get work projects done at the last minute because of poor time management earlier. That's starting to directly affect him, then.
Good luck with working this out, if he really is mostly a pretty cool guy.
*Ironically, I'm very Type A myself, so anyone constantly reminding me to do stuff definitely has some issues.
posted by wending my way at 1:21 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Tasks like work projects and non-imperative chores you shouldn't have to justify AT ALL. If you say you're going to do something tomorrow, like paint the porch, and you end up not doing it should not give him a pass to say anything. (Unless it's a shared porch and the paint set-up keeps it from being passable.) It is not your problem if this, for some Type A reason, bothers him. You need to communicate that these sort of things are not his concern, and you are an adult that has your life under control. Tell him if he feels like a "parent" because he can't control your time that maybe he has some issues he should research/think about. Being in a relationship does not give him license to assume a paternal role, regardless of how much he might like to control things, or how not being able to control another person makes him feel. Don't even participate in exchanges like you mentioned with the computer games; cut him off as soon as he starts trying to control and organize your life.
Of course, if you constantly complain to him about how you wish you could get the porch painted or your work done earlier, it's a slightly different story. Same with if you constantly cancel plans with him to get work projects done at the last minute because of poor time management earlier. That's starting to directly affect him, then.
Good luck with working this out, if he really is mostly a pretty cool guy.
*Ironically, I'm very Type A myself, so anyone constantly reminding me to do stuff definitely has some issues.
posted by wending my way at 1:21 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I can sympathize with the husband, you sound like you talk a lot about what you need or want to do then you just don't do it or do it very very slowly. That would drive me crazy. I try to not nag and boss around my husband and he has learned that if he doesn't do stuff and it annoys me then I will do it myself, which he hates. Stuff that I care about getting done - if it involves our money in some way (so work-related too) or there is stuff left out in my way and being destroyed by the cats.
For work you could either just not tell him your deadlines, or tell him when you will be doing what. For non-work you could not slowly set up things or leave them out, just get it done all at once, or spend 5 min tidying up between times working on them. My husband also has his own room for puttering in and I don't care what goes on in there.
In summary: your slow way of doing things and you making him worry about your work is driving him crazy and making him annoy you.
posted by meepmeow at 1:22 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
For work you could either just not tell him your deadlines, or tell him when you will be doing what. For non-work you could not slowly set up things or leave them out, just get it done all at once, or spend 5 min tidying up between times working on them. My husband also has his own room for puttering in and I don't care what goes on in there.
In summary: your slow way of doing things and you making him worry about your work is driving him crazy and making him annoy you.
posted by meepmeow at 1:22 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
"it bothers him if I don't tell him everything" - this is often the first sign of an abusive relationship.... you might want to consider some counseling...
posted by HuronBob at 1:24 PM on May 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by HuronBob at 1:24 PM on May 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
and abuse doesn't have to be physical at all, in fact its often worse that way, insidiously
posted by infini at 1:46 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by infini at 1:46 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
My husband used to do that until we had one or two yelling matches. It turned out he thought he was helping me by helping me be more effective! Several things I told him that helped:
"whenever you say that it makes me want to do the exact opposite. You are making it worse."
"if it gets me into trouble it gets me into trouble and i will have to deal with it. That's up to me, not you."
"if you want to help me, do x instead."
It only works because I have a reputation for digging my heels in, though.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:46 PM on May 8, 2010
"whenever you say that it makes me want to do the exact opposite. You are making it worse."
"if it gets me into trouble it gets me into trouble and i will have to deal with it. That's up to me, not you."
"if you want to help me, do x instead."
It only works because I have a reputation for digging my heels in, though.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:46 PM on May 8, 2010
When I get too bossy/naggy, my husband teases me gently about it, rather than responding to whatever I'm saying, and it works pretty well. I get the message, and he gets me off his back, and we move on without fighting. Can your boyfriend take teasing well, if it's said with a smile and maybe a tickle/poke?
posted by croutonsupafreak at 4:40 PM on May 8, 2010
posted by croutonsupafreak at 4:40 PM on May 8, 2010
If he really is wonderful and is trying to be encouraging, you should have a talk about what you need/want to be nagged about, and what you don't.
And ask him if there is anything you need to nag him about.
(If that doesn't work, start doing it back at him. See what happens.)
posted by gjc at 4:42 PM on May 8, 2010
And ask him if there is anything you need to nag him about.
(If that doesn't work, start doing it back at him. See what happens.)
posted by gjc at 4:42 PM on May 8, 2010
He said "not mad... just disappointed like a parent would be with a child." That gave me chills! I do NOT want to have a parent-child relationship with my boyfriend, and I do not want to be treated like anyone's child! That's disrespectful.
I don't want to imagine how he would treat his children...if there's one thing one shouldn't treat one's kids with, it's with disrespect.
But that's beside the point - yet.
Go talk. "Dear wonderful boyfriend and competent professional. It may come as a complete surprise to you, but I am actually used to taking full responsibility for my actions, including deciding when I play computer games, how I observe my project deadlines, and so forth. Not in my wildest dreams do I want to be treated like your (or anyone's) kid, nor do I, from a mere practical viewpoint, see a necessity for this kind of treatment. Not in your wildest dreams should you think that I am to be treated as your child, no matter whether by ways of praise, anger or (gulp) "disappointment". If you need a person to give deadlines and directives to, buy a mirror and put it on your desk. If you however can find it in yourself to give me encouragement when you feel that I need it, you're welcome. Otherwise, please let me do my stuff my way, just as I let you do your stuff your way."
Or something. If he doesn't buy this, he ain't that great.
posted by Namlit at 4:44 PM on May 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
I don't want to imagine how he would treat his children...if there's one thing one shouldn't treat one's kids with, it's with disrespect.
But that's beside the point - yet.
Go talk. "Dear wonderful boyfriend and competent professional. It may come as a complete surprise to you, but I am actually used to taking full responsibility for my actions, including deciding when I play computer games, how I observe my project deadlines, and so forth. Not in my wildest dreams do I want to be treated like your (or anyone's) kid, nor do I, from a mere practical viewpoint, see a necessity for this kind of treatment. Not in your wildest dreams should you think that I am to be treated as your child, no matter whether by ways of praise, anger or (gulp) "disappointment". If you need a person to give deadlines and directives to, buy a mirror and put it on your desk. If you however can find it in yourself to give me encouragement when you feel that I need it, you're welcome. Otherwise, please let me do my stuff my way, just as I let you do your stuff your way."
Or something. If he doesn't buy this, he ain't that great.
posted by Namlit at 4:44 PM on May 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
I agree with desjardins. A lot of the time, people (I'm guilty) try to fix you instead of having to fix their own life. It lets you feel like you've gotten something done without all that pesky work, even if it is an annoying as hell thing to do.
Next time your boyfriend tries to "help", tell him to help himself first and get all the stuff he needs to done because all he's doing is ticking you off and making you want to put whatever it is off more. Share the theory of fixing others so you can put off your own stuff. I know the first time I came across it, it really made me stop and think. I really try not to do this anymore. Hope it works for him too.
posted by stray thoughts at 4:50 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Next time your boyfriend tries to "help", tell him to help himself first and get all the stuff he needs to done because all he's doing is ticking you off and making you want to put whatever it is off more. Share the theory of fixing others so you can put off your own stuff. I know the first time I came across it, it really made me stop and think. I really try not to do this anymore. Hope it works for him too.
posted by stray thoughts at 4:50 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Heh, it sounds like desjardins, internet fraud detective, and I have very similar communication styles in our relationships.
But it's all about finding a relationship, and an equilibrium in your relationship, which works for you. My husband is a major procrastinator and also highly independent. I, meanwhile, and am insane capricornicious type-a control freak type. I find it very difficult not to nag, which is terrible when interacting with him because it's the best way to ensure that something will never get done.
But we've talked about this enough that I know how it makes him feel and do my best to control those impulses. He, meanwhile, understands that fundamentally I am a nag and that I'll probably always be one to some degree--that, no matter how obnoxious it is, I don't mean it personally and don't think he's a child.
(Something I've found that helps, personally, is that I'll ask politely for something to be done two or three times. If it's not done then, and I am able, I'll just do it myself--otherwise, I do my best to let it go. This minimizes nagging but also helps to make me feel empowered. As a control freaking, feeling empowered is pretty important. Your boyfriend might consider something similar, if he's willing.)
That being said, I would never tell him to turn off his computer and stop playing video games. How condescending can you get? That's pretty terrible, and I just asked my husband how he'd respond to nagging about that. You know what his answer would be? "Fuck you. You're not my boss. Get the hell out of here." Seriously, I think you need to talk to him about this and nip this in the bud before it gets any worse.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:10 PM on May 8, 2010
But it's all about finding a relationship, and an equilibrium in your relationship, which works for you. My husband is a major procrastinator and also highly independent. I, meanwhile, and am insane capricornicious type-a control freak type. I find it very difficult not to nag, which is terrible when interacting with him because it's the best way to ensure that something will never get done.
But we've talked about this enough that I know how it makes him feel and do my best to control those impulses. He, meanwhile, understands that fundamentally I am a nag and that I'll probably always be one to some degree--that, no matter how obnoxious it is, I don't mean it personally and don't think he's a child.
(Something I've found that helps, personally, is that I'll ask politely for something to be done two or three times. If it's not done then, and I am able, I'll just do it myself--otherwise, I do my best to let it go. This minimizes nagging but also helps to make me feel empowered. As a control freaking, feeling empowered is pretty important. Your boyfriend might consider something similar, if he's willing.)
That being said, I would never tell him to turn off his computer and stop playing video games. How condescending can you get? That's pretty terrible, and I just asked my husband how he'd respond to nagging about that. You know what his answer would be? "Fuck you. You're not my boss. Get the hell out of here." Seriously, I think you need to talk to him about this and nip this in the bud before it gets any worse.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:10 PM on May 8, 2010
He is trying to control you. This is not good. You can't change him. DTMFA.
posted by exphysicist345 at 11:05 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by exphysicist345 at 11:05 PM on May 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
What you describe as an 'open relationship' sounds like a one way street.
Sounds like a classic "parent / child" interaction...psychologist Alfred Adler says people can communicate in three different roles: parent, adult and child.
Books you might want to read to figure out how to improve your relationship are "I'm OK, You're OK" (sounds cheesy but it's good reading) and "Games People Play". Simply getting mad at him probably won't help (that would be a 'rebellious child' role probably). Instead you need to discuss the roles that each of you take in the relationship and renegotiate them.
posted by cmccormick at 7:55 AM on May 9, 2010
Sounds like a classic "parent / child" interaction...psychologist Alfred Adler says people can communicate in three different roles: parent, adult and child.
Books you might want to read to figure out how to improve your relationship are "I'm OK, You're OK" (sounds cheesy but it's good reading) and "Games People Play". Simply getting mad at him probably won't help (that would be a 'rebellious child' role probably). Instead you need to discuss the roles that each of you take in the relationship and renegotiate them.
posted by cmccormick at 7:55 AM on May 9, 2010
I think you should read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. I don't think this is mere nagging.
posted by Wordwoman at 2:23 PM on May 9, 2010
posted by Wordwoman at 2:23 PM on May 9, 2010
I had an ex like this. He always tried to "teach" me since he believed me to be so naive. He never would verbally say he found me naive he never had to. I'm a big time procrastinator which frustrated him. Girl, a little word of advice. Get a grip on this situation for yourself before he crushes your spirit. He doesn't have to lay a hand or call you out of your name to be abusive. My epiphany came when he said to me "I'm so proud of you, you finally know how to talk to me correctly." It reminded me of Susan Still's husband. I used to be super bubbly and loved dancing at parties. Used to love coming out of my shell that way. Experience life as a young adult. He took that away from me. He found it embarrassing. I'm trying to make up for what I missed as a young adult. But only half my mojo came back after getting out of that horrid relationship. Don't waste anymore of your time. It's time you can never get back.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 10:02 PM on May 9, 2010
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 10:02 PM on May 9, 2010
I actually think this is not a DTMFA problem. This is a problem that you yourself can solve. All you have to do is refuse to be nagged and bossed.
Don't lie to him or avoid subjects you know he's going to nag you about. Just end the conversation as soon as he starts nagging.
When he asks, "do you have anything you need to get done other than computer games?" just say, "I'm a big girl, bf." If he proceeds, just tell him you're not interesting in continuing the conversation and if he doesn't get the hint, hang up the phone. Repeat as necessary.
"I'm not looking for a daddy." "I'm a competent professional." "I'm allowed to play video games instead of doing chores if I want to."
You're just taking away his power. You can't stop him from nagging, but you can stop yourself from listening to or worrying about his nagging. Hopefully, he'll slowly start getting the picture that you're not someone to be nagged. If not, maybe he'll find someone else he thinks he can control.
posted by callmejay at 7:25 AM on May 10, 2010
Don't lie to him or avoid subjects you know he's going to nag you about. Just end the conversation as soon as he starts nagging.
When he asks, "do you have anything you need to get done other than computer games?" just say, "I'm a big girl, bf." If he proceeds, just tell him you're not interesting in continuing the conversation and if he doesn't get the hint, hang up the phone. Repeat as necessary.
"I'm not looking for a daddy." "I'm a competent professional." "I'm allowed to play video games instead of doing chores if I want to."
You're just taking away his power. You can't stop him from nagging, but you can stop yourself from listening to or worrying about his nagging. Hopefully, he'll slowly start getting the picture that you're not someone to be nagged. If not, maybe he'll find someone else he thinks he can control.
posted by callmejay at 7:25 AM on May 10, 2010
How old are you guys? The advice might differ slightly if you were 25 as compared to 40.
posted by teg4rvn at 8:52 AM on May 10, 2010
posted by teg4rvn at 8:52 AM on May 10, 2010
callmejay, she can do that but she shouldnt have to do that with a boyfriend. If he's like this now... imagine when he wants to marry her. For me, if I'm not married, our relationship should still be in the fun dating zone. You'll come across bumps but nothing that should be considered such hard work, especially if you're not married. If a relationship feels this hard and aggravating to work with because he's going to try to get the upper hand in everything he says and does to her. It's not worth continuing. I've been there. Done that.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 9:14 AM on May 10, 2010
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 9:14 AM on May 10, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
if we disagree, it's very hard to get him to trust my judgment instead of his
not mad... just disappointed like a parent would be with a child
This guy sounds really controlling. If he has to know everything about what's going on in your life, that's a red flag. If he can't trust your judgement and is acting "disappointed like a parent would be," those are red flags. He doesn't seem terribly invested in treating you like an adult, and being treated like an adult seems to be very important to you.
I know that he is only concerned about me and wants to help
If by "help" you mean "control your actions," then yes.
He may not even be conscious of what he's doing. You can try being as direct with him as possible, but have you thought about what you might do if this bossing and nagging is, in fact, a part of his makeup? Are you prepared to live with this permanently?
Keep in mind that everyone is wrong sometimes, but nobody is wrong all the time, no matter what a wonderful significant other says.
posted by corey flood at 11:49 AM on May 8, 2010 [10 favorites]