I got drunk and kissed my on-again-off-again boyfriend's roommate. Help me salvage my relationship of nine years as best I can. (Special snowflake.)
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I'm a 24 y/o female who has been seeing my on-again-off-again boyfriend (six months younger) for nine years. (I have had several long-term relationships with other people during this time.) We dated in high school for two years and then broke up during our senior year. Since then, we've re-connected (read: slept together, considered feelings) every few years, when I'd come home from college.
Most recently, I moved home and we were on-again for a brief six weeks. Things felt kind of awkward, and we broke up. Two weeks later, we slept together again, and had a heart-to-heart about needing to get to know each other better again if we were going to re-start the relationship. Things seemed like they were on a good path to a healthy friendship, if not more.
So. Let's call my currently-off-again boyfriend "Fred," and his roommate "Bob."
I went out this past Saturday night to a local pub, and after contemplating leaving for lack of people to talk to, I ran into Bob, Fred's roommate. Bob was pretty drunk and talkative, and told me that he "has to hate me" because Fred and I are currently off-again, but that he actually "really kind of likes me." Some other folks showed up (friends of Fred's) and Bob started buying shots for people.
Bob got really flirty and I didn't stop him (and quite possibly reciprocated—I'm a little foggy on this). He left the pub to go to a party, and when leaving he gave me a peck on the lips. I was surprised, but figured that'd be that. A few drinks later, Bob came back, and my memory is pretty spotty. All I really remember is that I ended up sitting on his lap, and that we kissed (tongue, the whole shebang) several times. I remember him offering to sleep with me, which I turned down. And then the bartender came around for last call, I went to close my tab, and Bob disappeared.
Fred knows that Bob and I kissed. I don't know who told him, or what level of detail he got. Fred told me via text message that he's not angry, just weirded out, and that he doesn't want to see me right now. That's totally fair.
Fred is incredibly important to me. If I believed there was such a thing as "the one" or a "soulmate," he'd be it. I think he is a beautiful person, a good person, a person that I hope to know for the rest of my life. Regardless of what our relationship status may be, I have nothing but love for Fred. We may not be in-love (and we might never be again), but I absolutely love who he is.
So, MeFites, it's clear I have a drinking problem, and I'm going to be tee-totaling it for the foreseeable future. It's really embarrassing that I let myself get that out-of-control. Had there not been alcohol involved in this situation, it wouldn't have happened, end of story.
Also, I'm aware that I'm struggling with loneliness and not feeling like I'm worth anything. (I am living with my parents, unemployed, have crazy student loans, am not working on anything I care about at the moment.) I have moderate depression and anxiety for which I take meds (another reason not to drink), and there is a possible bipolar ii diagnosis in the works. I am getting the distinct impression that a version of my mania is triggered by alcohol.
The alcohol and the mental health issues are not excuses for my actions, but do help to explain. I am well aware of my need to overhaul my life. I fully own this mistake, I am not trying to shift blame.
So, what do I do to salvage my relationship with Fred? Do I just wait? I don't want to pester him with phone calls, texts, emails, or running into him at "his spots." But I also know that if I drop out of his life completely, I'll also be even more miserable—just disappearing makes it possible for him to resume his life as if I don't exist here, which isn't something I want. Also, the people I've been social with since coming back home are primarily his friends.
As for Bob, I can't contact him (I don't have his phone number, he's not on facebook)… and I'm not sure I should, even if I could. What happened was a one-time thing and I think it's best to just turn our backs on it completely.
Please, I'm not looking for advice on changing my life. I don't need to be told that I need therapy or different meds, or that I need to stop drinking—I am fully aware of all these things.
I am also aware that I'm not in great shape to be in a romantic relationship, but I care deeply about saving my relationship (friendly or otherwise) with Fred.
Feel free to contact me at email@example.com.