Should we look for birthparents?
May 1, 2010 8:50 AM Subscribe
Trying to find the birth mother of our internationally adopted DD: good idea or bad idea?
We adopted our DD from Vietnam 3 years ago. We know nothing about her birth parents - not a name or anything - though we do have a detailed report of how she was found. I always assumed that we would never know anything about them, but apparently there is a company in Vietnam that has had decent luck finding birth parents or finding more information about their situation.
I proposed this to DH, but he is against the idea. He doesn't see how anything good would come of it, or worst case scenario, they might want her back (which I'm assuming isn't an option).
On the other hand I realize that this may not be something she ever wants to know, or if there is a reunion some day it could go very poorly. However, if we wait until she is old enough to make that decision for herself, I think the likelihood of her being successful in her search would be practically zero. At least at this point there is a slight possibility.
I think it would also be good to have her medical history, though the area where she's from is quite rudimentary, so they themselves may not have a good grasp on their own medical problems.
We adopted our DD from Vietnam 3 years ago. We know nothing about her birth parents - not a name or anything - though we do have a detailed report of how she was found. I always assumed that we would never know anything about them, but apparently there is a company in Vietnam that has had decent luck finding birth parents or finding more information about their situation.
I proposed this to DH, but he is against the idea. He doesn't see how anything good would come of it, or worst case scenario, they might want her back (which I'm assuming isn't an option).
On the other hand I realize that this may not be something she ever wants to know, or if there is a reunion some day it could go very poorly. However, if we wait until she is old enough to make that decision for herself, I think the likelihood of her being successful in her search would be practically zero. At least at this point there is a slight possibility.
I think it would also be good to have her medical history, though the area where she's from is quite rudimentary, so they themselves may not have a good grasp on their own medical problems.
You will be much more knowledgeable about this than me, but isn't it correct that the US Embassy has issued information about abandoned children in Vietnam, addressing concerns that some of these children are in fact not abandoned? Instead, they were taken by hospitals for non-payment, or handed over to orphanages by non-parents? I think I even remember that in the past few years, the US has required DNA testing and matching for some of these children, to ensure that they are, in truth, abandoned?
What would you do, if you discovered your child was stolen from the birth mother? I would guess that a birth mother who has not relinquished her parental rights would have a case for getting the child back -- and it puts you in a very emotionally difficult position. Maybe this is what your husband is thinking of?
posted by Houstonian at 9:44 AM on May 1, 2010
What would you do, if you discovered your child was stolen from the birth mother? I would guess that a birth mother who has not relinquished her parental rights would have a case for getting the child back -- and it puts you in a very emotionally difficult position. Maybe this is what your husband is thinking of?
posted by Houstonian at 9:44 AM on May 1, 2010
Is it a child or an animal? What is a DD?
Community-forum-ese for "dear daughter" and "dear husband." Hardly ever used on Metafilter, btw.
This thread had some really good pros and cons regarding open and closed adoptions. The prevailing benefit of seeking out your daughter's parents is that she'll have a better grasp of her medical history.
posted by zoomorphic at 9:56 AM on May 1, 2010
Community-forum-ese for "dear daughter" and "dear husband." Hardly ever used on Metafilter, btw.
This thread had some really good pros and cons regarding open and closed adoptions. The prevailing benefit of seeking out your daughter's parents is that she'll have a better grasp of her medical history.
posted by zoomorphic at 9:56 AM on May 1, 2010
Response by poster: Houstonian, yes, that is probably the main reason why adoptions between the US and Vietnam are suspended at this time. Very, very sad situation all around. I am not aware of any questions they had about her paperwork, but I would be devastated beyond words if money had exchanged hands.
posted by texas_blissful at 10:08 AM on May 1, 2010
posted by texas_blissful at 10:08 AM on May 1, 2010
Response by poster: And sorry about the DD (Dear Daughter) thing guys; I'm so used to it I didn't realize it wasn't used here much.
posted by texas_blissful at 10:09 AM on May 1, 2010
posted by texas_blissful at 10:09 AM on May 1, 2010
Best answer: As a parent of an adopted son (although not internationally) I can tell you there are two reasons to want to know who the birth parent(s) is/are. I find neither of them compelling. We adopted from the county adoption agency in Los Angeles in a time when they were extremely secretive about anything having to do with the child, the biological parents and the agency processes. We came away knowing only the most rudimentary and useless facts (his father was young and liked opera).
As our son grew old enough to understand the concept, we told him he was adopted so it wouldn't come as a great shock "one day." This led, at a certain age, for him to want to know who his "real parents" were. He then went into a comfort zone of knowing that we were his "real parents" and that he was simply born to someone else. It was not until he was in his thirties that he wanted to know enough about his birth parents to seek assistance from a private investigator. What he found was that he had nothing in common, either culturally, socially or otherwise with his adoptive mother and her new family, nor did she want to have anything to do with him. He was a closed chapter in her life. This did not devastate him, but it did disappoint him.
Medically, he has had a difficult time answering the question, "Is there a history of XYZ in your family?" He has learned that either the doctor doesn't really listen to his answer, ("I'm adopted so I don't know.") or understands and just goes right on to the next question. Either way, it has not been an impediment to his health. As your daughter grows up, genetic testing and other factors will most likely make family recollective history less and less meaningful.
These things said, and given that you don't know about the other factors in her background, my advice would be to not seek any information that she has not personally sought on her own.
Enjoy your wonderful family together.
posted by Old Geezer at 11:24 AM on May 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
As our son grew old enough to understand the concept, we told him he was adopted so it wouldn't come as a great shock "one day." This led, at a certain age, for him to want to know who his "real parents" were. He then went into a comfort zone of knowing that we were his "real parents" and that he was simply born to someone else. It was not until he was in his thirties that he wanted to know enough about his birth parents to seek assistance from a private investigator. What he found was that he had nothing in common, either culturally, socially or otherwise with his adoptive mother and her new family, nor did she want to have anything to do with him. He was a closed chapter in her life. This did not devastate him, but it did disappoint him.
Medically, he has had a difficult time answering the question, "Is there a history of XYZ in your family?" He has learned that either the doctor doesn't really listen to his answer, ("I'm adopted so I don't know.") or understands and just goes right on to the next question. Either way, it has not been an impediment to his health. As your daughter grows up, genetic testing and other factors will most likely make family recollective history less and less meaningful.
These things said, and given that you don't know about the other factors in her background, my advice would be to not seek any information that she has not personally sought on her own.
Enjoy your wonderful family together.
posted by Old Geezer at 11:24 AM on May 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
It is an *excellent* idea to track down your child's first family in their country of origin. Here are some reasons:
1. You are right--It's much easier to do this now than in, say, 20 years now from now, when your child might be interested, but when the trail is cold. People might die, move, change names, etc.
2. Every person is entitled to have access to their story, to information about themselves, no matter what the agency provides.
3. Finding contact information and names doesn't mean you have to do anything with the information, except keep it for your child.
4. No one can take your child from you. Don't even worry about this.
5. There's a good chance that the information you have is wrong, at least in some details. Correcting the story know means being able to give your child accurate information.
I don't speak hypothetically. My kids are also adopted from overseas. Tracking down their first families was an excellent decision--in retrospect, it would have been a huge mistake not to do this. Please send me a note if you'd like to chat privately about this.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:42 PM on May 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
1. You are right--It's much easier to do this now than in, say, 20 years now from now, when your child might be interested, but when the trail is cold. People might die, move, change names, etc.
2. Every person is entitled to have access to their story, to information about themselves, no matter what the agency provides.
3. Finding contact information and names doesn't mean you have to do anything with the information, except keep it for your child.
4. No one can take your child from you. Don't even worry about this.
5. There's a good chance that the information you have is wrong, at least in some details. Correcting the story know means being able to give your child accurate information.
I don't speak hypothetically. My kids are also adopted from overseas. Tracking down their first families was an excellent decision--in retrospect, it would have been a huge mistake not to do this. Please send me a note if you'd like to chat privately about this.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:42 PM on May 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
As an adoptee of a closed (domestic) adoption I only wish my parents had searched for information. My hospital records have been burned by the hospital, the lawyer who oversaw my adoption has since passed away, leads have disappeared, names have changed.
I don't see any harm in getting information, tucking it away in a security box, and when your daughter is old enough giving her the option to know or not to know.
My parents kept a folder for me with the information they had been given including a document with the name my birth mom gave me. Even just that little bit of info, just a name is incredibly meaningful to me. Its part of my story, I want to know all of it the good and the bad.
posted by ljesse at 1:24 AM on May 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't see any harm in getting information, tucking it away in a security box, and when your daughter is old enough giving her the option to know or not to know.
My parents kept a folder for me with the information they had been given including a document with the name my birth mom gave me. Even just that little bit of info, just a name is incredibly meaningful to me. Its part of my story, I want to know all of it the good and the bad.
posted by ljesse at 1:24 AM on May 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
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I think that Soper over at uterinewars.typepad.com did the same thing for her daughter from Kazakhstan, with similar results.
I think that it's not a bad idea, as long as you're prepared to either not be successful in your search, or not really get any kind of information or contact with the family.
You are correct that there is no way for the birth family to "get her back" at this point.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 9:37 AM on May 1, 2010