Honey, I think I'm a Kinsey 5.
April 30, 2010 12:38 PM Subscribe
I'm less bisexual than I thought I was. And now I'm engaged to be married to a wonderful guy who loves me and depends on me, and realizing that I cannot sustain attraction to him for more than fleeting moments every few months. How do I minimize the damage, here?
I'm a woman in my late 20s and I have been in a relationship with a man for the last four years. We got engaged fairly early on but are not yet married. Since the beginning he's known I was attracted to women... the trouble is that I've figured out I'm not really attracted to men for extended periods of time. The sex was tolerable for like the first two months. Then dull. Then increasingly bad. If I'd realized originally this was true, I never would have gotten into this relationship, but I thought we'd just lost that spark. I have only realized in the last couple months that there are literally no men on Earth who at this moment I would want to have sex with, and that occasional fleeting interest in it is not a basis for hoping that this will get better.
We get along really well as friends. He's a good guy. And I love him, but I'm not attracted to him, and I can't keep this going on forever. But I don't know how to break it off, especially as I am not ready to come out to my family. (And may not be for years. I know I should, but I have to take this one step at a time, and much of my family is very conservative.)
I have never dumped anybody before in my life; this is only my second long-term relationship and the first was not ended by me, but even short-term things were never ended by me. I keep trying to come up with a pretext to end it, but since he's a good guy I just can't do it. Then I try to tell him... and I can't bring myself to do that, either, because I'm terrified that he'll tell my family. At this point, all of our future plans have involved each other, and while my career path is such that I can make do just fine alone, the same is not true of him. (He's an artsy type.)
How do I get out of this with a minimum of pain and suffering to this person who doesn't deserve it?
Throwaway email: firstname.lastname@example.org