"I like you but hate your taste in books". Can this be improved?
April 26, 2010 4:59 AM Subscribe
What's the most polite way to return a book to someone who loved it, and lent it to you because they were sure that you would also love it -- but which is so far from your preferred genres that there is no way you will ever get through it?
Asking for Mrs Impluvium, who recently got to know a work colleague quite well at a week-long conference. She really likes this colleague, and needed a book to read on the flight home. Her colleague lent her a book she'd just finished (along with a rave about how amazing it was). The catch is that it's totally not Mrs I's cup of tea, and she'd rather not waste time on it -- but she also wants to maintain the relationship with the colleague. Any ideas for polite ways to break up with the book but not the person?
Asking for Mrs Impluvium, who recently got to know a work colleague quite well at a week-long conference. She really likes this colleague, and needed a book to read on the flight home. Her colleague lent her a book she'd just finished (along with a rave about how amazing it was). The catch is that it's totally not Mrs I's cup of tea, and she'd rather not waste time on it -- but she also wants to maintain the relationship with the colleague. Any ideas for polite ways to break up with the book but not the person?
"Thanks so much for the book! It looked fascinating, but really not my cup of tea, but I really do appreciate you lending it to me."
If someone is so tied to his opinion of a book that not liking it will ruin a relationship, then that person is probably someone you don't want a relationship with in the first place.
posted by xingcat at 5:05 AM on April 26, 2010 [4 favorites]
If someone is so tied to his opinion of a book that not liking it will ruin a relationship, then that person is probably someone you don't want a relationship with in the first place.
posted by xingcat at 5:05 AM on April 26, 2010 [4 favorites]
Something along the lines of: "Thank you so much for lending me this book. Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to read it on the flight, and when I got home, I realized I have a huge pile of books to get through before I can make time for it. Since I didn't want to just hang onto it indefinitely, I'm returning it, but I've made a note of the title. Thanks, again!"
I've actually been lent books and not able to make time for them because of my backlog, so it's within the realm of possibility.
posted by katemcd at 5:06 AM on April 26, 2010 [10 favorites]
I've actually been lent books and not able to make time for them because of my backlog, so it's within the realm of possibility.
posted by katemcd at 5:06 AM on April 26, 2010 [10 favorites]
The catch is that it's totally not Mrs I's cup of tea, and she'd rather not waste time on it -- but she also wants to maintain the relationship with the colleague.
In the spirit of returning generosity, I think Mrs. I should at least start reading the book as a courtesy to her friend and, if she really dislikes it, can stop and say "I tried getting into it but it just did not happen. Thanks for the lend."
There is also the slight possibility that Mrs. I might actually enjoy it and everyone wins too.
posted by Hiker at 5:06 AM on April 26, 2010 [4 favorites]
In the spirit of returning generosity, I think Mrs. I should at least start reading the book as a courtesy to her friend and, if she really dislikes it, can stop and say "I tried getting into it but it just did not happen. Thanks for the lend."
There is also the slight possibility that Mrs. I might actually enjoy it and everyone wins too.
posted by Hiker at 5:06 AM on April 26, 2010 [4 favorites]
I think katemcd's response is the best. Some people can be a bit sensitive to these things, so the response is kind of an easier let down. If the colleague is smart, she will realise what has happened.
posted by ryanbryan at 5:14 AM on April 26, 2010
posted by ryanbryan at 5:14 AM on April 26, 2010
If Mrs Implivium can think of anything at all redeeming about the book she could mention that to show that she made an effort to appreciate it.
"Thanks for letting me borrow your book. I liked how [x], but I've never really been able to get into [genre]. It was so good to have something to read on the plane though!"
posted by teem at 5:16 AM on April 26, 2010
"Thanks for letting me borrow your book. I liked how [x], but I've never really been able to get into [genre]. It was so good to have something to read on the plane though!"
posted by teem at 5:16 AM on April 26, 2010
A potential problem with katemcd's answer is that the person may not pick up on the underlying "not interested" and simply take you at your word that you'd read it if you had more time, and graciously encourage you to keep it as long as you like. ("Oh, no problem! I'm in no hurry to get it back.")
There are a few people at my work who I exchange books with on occasion. The "not my cup of tea" situation comes up pretty often. I've said (and had said to me) something very much along the lines of what xingcat recommended:
"Thanks so much for the book! It looked fascinating, but really not my cup of tea, but I really do appreciate you lending it to me."
(Alternately: "Thanks so much for lending me this, it looked great but I just wasn't able to get into it for some reason." It helps if you use a tone of voice that implies that you find it really odd that you couldn't get into such a great-seeming book.)
No offense has ever been taken.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:27 AM on April 26, 2010 [8 favorites]
There are a few people at my work who I exchange books with on occasion. The "not my cup of tea" situation comes up pretty often. I've said (and had said to me) something very much along the lines of what xingcat recommended:
"Thanks so much for the book! It looked fascinating, but really not my cup of tea, but I really do appreciate you lending it to me."
(Alternately: "Thanks so much for lending me this, it looked great but I just wasn't able to get into it for some reason." It helps if you use a tone of voice that implies that you find it really odd that you couldn't get into such a great-seeming book.)
No offense has ever been taken.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:27 AM on April 26, 2010 [8 favorites]
Just quickly Google a review of the book, plus page through enough to get a sense of the writing style and/or a few key passages (5min total), then pretend to have read it (hastily, to explain the lack of specific knowledge).
This is definitely not the most honest route, but it's expedient.
posted by Bardolph at 5:43 AM on April 26, 2010
This is definitely not the most honest route, but it's expedient.
posted by Bardolph at 5:43 AM on April 26, 2010
Yeah I'd avoid the backlog excuse and tell them the truth: you didn't like it but thanks for the thought.
posted by devnull at 5:48 AM on April 26, 2010
posted by devnull at 5:48 AM on April 26, 2010
Use the truth, Luke.
If an adult cannot take the truth in the way it was meant, then that person is not worth a "relationship".
I have done this with friends. They loaned me a "wonderful, brilliant, captivating, book" that I couldn't read past 10 pages. I said, "Sorry, I just cannot read this. It is not my style." Worse thing that happened there is that I got offered another book. (I couldn't read that one either.)
posted by Drasher at 6:49 AM on April 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
If an adult cannot take the truth in the way it was meant, then that person is not worth a "relationship".
I have done this with friends. They loaned me a "wonderful, brilliant, captivating, book" that I couldn't read past 10 pages. I said, "Sorry, I just cannot read this. It is not my style." Worse thing that happened there is that I got offered another book. (I couldn't read that one either.)
posted by Drasher at 6:49 AM on April 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm a big reader and people know that - I get offered books constantly.
Here's what I do, especially when I get offered a book that is "popular" but not well written and the person "just loved it".
I do my best to not let them think that I think they are an unsophisticated reader. It's not my style to make someone feel inferior for their reading/genre choices. I just let them know that I was so interested in reading it and I had heard so many people say such good things about it but I just couldn't get into it -- maybe it's all the stuff I have on my plate right now, etc. Ultimately, I make it about me rather than them or the book.
posted by Sophie1 at 7:06 AM on April 26, 2010
Here's what I do, especially when I get offered a book that is "popular" but not well written and the person "just loved it".
I do my best to not let them think that I think they are an unsophisticated reader. It's not my style to make someone feel inferior for their reading/genre choices. I just let them know that I was so interested in reading it and I had heard so many people say such good things about it but I just couldn't get into it -- maybe it's all the stuff I have on my plate right now, etc. Ultimately, I make it about me rather than them or the book.
posted by Sophie1 at 7:06 AM on April 26, 2010
In the spirit of returning generosity, I think Mrs. I should at least start reading the book as a courtesy to her friend and, if she really dislikes it, can stop and say "I tried getting into it but it just did not happen. Thanks for the lend."
There is also the slight possibility that Mrs. I might actually enjoy it and everyone wins too.
This is pretty much word-for-word what I was going to say.
posted by desuetude at 7:31 AM on April 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
There is also the slight possibility that Mrs. I might actually enjoy it and everyone wins too.
This is pretty much word-for-word what I was going to say.
posted by desuetude at 7:31 AM on April 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Speaking as someone who frequently lends out books, it never bothers me when people return books and simply say that they couldn't get into them and didn't bother finishing them. What does bother me is when people take a really long time to finally return books unread. What a waste! I could've re-read it or loaned it out to someone else in that time!
So, I'd say to follow Hiker's advice above, but please do it without unduly delay.
posted by Eshkol at 7:36 AM on April 26, 2010
So, I'd say to follow Hiker's advice above, but please do it without unduly delay.
posted by Eshkol at 7:36 AM on April 26, 2010
cite the transcendenalist notion:
why read books when you can read Nature direct?
posted by Postroad at 7:43 AM on April 26, 2010
why read books when you can read Nature direct?
posted by Postroad at 7:43 AM on April 26, 2010
I doubt you'll take to pass a comprehension test, just say "Thank you." If she pursues it, say, "To be honest, I had a hard time getting through it. What was YOUR favorite part?"
posted by MiffyCLB at 7:58 AM on April 26, 2010
posted by MiffyCLB at 7:58 AM on April 26, 2010
Why does the colleague require a book report?
I'd just say "thanks!" It has to have been better than SkyMall or the laminated card full of bland airline customers enjoying their water landing.
posted by Sallyfur at 8:05 AM on April 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'd just say "thanks!" It has to have been better than SkyMall or the laminated card full of bland airline customers enjoying their water landing.
posted by Sallyfur at 8:05 AM on April 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I had success with MiffyCLB's method: someone I liked lent me several books that really just weren't my thing, and I returned them unread (past a few pages) with a nice "Thank you." She never really asked me about those books, and since it had been several and not just one, I figured our tastes were really divergent, and waved off future loan offers by saying I didn't think I'd be able to get to the book and didn't want to take something I didn't expect to have a chance to read.
I haven't seen that person in several years but I'm pretty sure this is not why.
posted by not that girl at 8:09 AM on April 26, 2010
I haven't seen that person in several years but I'm pretty sure this is not why.
posted by not that girl at 8:09 AM on April 26, 2010
"Oh, I just got gifted this so I am returning your copy."
posted by meepmeow at 9:31 AM on April 26, 2010
posted by meepmeow at 9:31 AM on April 26, 2010
I think simply "Thank you for letting me borrow the book for the flight home" will suffice. If asked "what did you think of it?" I would answer something along the lines of "it wasn't really my cup of tea" without making an implication of having read it or not.
posted by p1nkdaisy at 10:41 AM on April 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by p1nkdaisy at 10:41 AM on April 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Focus on the relationship-building part. "It was so nice of you to lend this book. I really appreciate you helping me out. I just have to have a book on a plane." If asked, just say the book didn't work for you. Then go back to relationship building with "What other authors do you like?"
posted by theora55 at 8:54 PM on April 26, 2010
posted by theora55 at 8:54 PM on April 26, 2010
Jeez... I'm a little surprised at how many people think you should avoid telling the simple truth. "You know, I just couldn't get into it" is just fine, lets them know you showed enough interest to try it out, and avoids complications. If someone takes offense at it, they've got a problem, not you. And if you're so scared to cause offense by saying this entirely reasonable thing, you've got a problem.
posted by the bricabrac man at 8:31 AM on April 27, 2010
posted by the bricabrac man at 8:31 AM on April 27, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
(But I have a hard time imagining anyone over the age of 7 being offended by this.)
posted by zachawry at 5:03 AM on April 26, 2010 [7 favorites]