Do I need to change my unaffectionate ways?
April 15, 2010 1:58 PM Subscribe
Do I need to change my unaffectionate ways?
So, here I am, a 30 year old straight female who wants a serious relationship. I've had a good number of relationships lasting a few months to a few years, and I always get the same complaint from guys: I'm not touchy-feely enough. I hear this from friends and family members too, although I think my parents, while lovey towards me, modeled a more intellectual, stoical relationship with each other.
Anyway, with boyfriends in the past, I've dismissed them as too clingy and moved on. My current situation is that I decided to date a long-time friend. He's intelligent and has good taste in the arts so I thought we'd be a good fit. But low and behold, he LOVES to squeeze me tight and kiss very deeply ALL the time..while watching a movie, during sex, even during sleep! I don't think I'm totally frigid.. I like soft touching and gentle kissing, I like sex with a some space, and when I'm asleep I like to just sleep! I hadn't complained to him about it but the other day he brought it up that he can tell that I'm not as "passionate" as he is. This hurt because I do think I'm passionate! It's just not the same level everyone else wants me to be at, and perhaps more in words and service as opposed to touch. So, my question is, do I continue my trend of leaving the 'clingy' guy behind, or since this problem keeps coming up, is it time I work on changing?
So, here I am, a 30 year old straight female who wants a serious relationship. I've had a good number of relationships lasting a few months to a few years, and I always get the same complaint from guys: I'm not touchy-feely enough. I hear this from friends and family members too, although I think my parents, while lovey towards me, modeled a more intellectual, stoical relationship with each other.
Anyway, with boyfriends in the past, I've dismissed them as too clingy and moved on. My current situation is that I decided to date a long-time friend. He's intelligent and has good taste in the arts so I thought we'd be a good fit. But low and behold, he LOVES to squeeze me tight and kiss very deeply ALL the time..while watching a movie, during sex, even during sleep! I don't think I'm totally frigid.. I like soft touching and gentle kissing, I like sex with a some space, and when I'm asleep I like to just sleep! I hadn't complained to him about it but the other day he brought it up that he can tell that I'm not as "passionate" as he is. This hurt because I do think I'm passionate! It's just not the same level everyone else wants me to be at, and perhaps more in words and service as opposed to touch. So, my question is, do I continue my trend of leaving the 'clingy' guy behind, or since this problem keeps coming up, is it time I work on changing?
It's possible that you've run into a long string of unreasonably 'clingy' men and friends, but that's unlikely since you're the common denominator in all these relationships.
There's no one right way to behave, but generally people like physical affection. Is the relationship worth stepping outside of your comfort zone a little and being more affectionate?
posted by ripley_ at 2:10 PM on April 15, 2010
There's no one right way to behave, but generally people like physical affection. Is the relationship worth stepping outside of your comfort zone a little and being more affectionate?
posted by ripley_ at 2:10 PM on April 15, 2010
Can you see yourself compromising, instead of either leaving or changing yourself into someone else? It's hard to force yourself to be affectionate when you're not feeling it naturally, but maybe what you're doing is dismissing the other person's attempts right away. I think that could be read as not being passionate - while reciprocating even for a short while could be interpreted as having the same degree of emotion. I could be wrong with this guess, of course.
It would probably be wise to have a conversation about this, before anything gets bottled up and starts getting to either of you. Just keep in mind that for some people, touch is their primary way of showing (and receiving) love. Yours are conversation and services, as you mentioned. One of the books I've seen recommended on the subject is "Five Languages of Love," by Gary Chapman. I read it myself for curiosity's sake, and it had some interesting points, ones that I think you could directly apply to your situation. People have different needs, and understanding them goes a long way towards building a solid relationship.
If this is something you really want to work on, don't give up on the guy just because he's more "needy" in this area than you. It's possible for both of you to readjust comfortably, but first you'd have to talk to him about how you feel.
posted by Tequila Mockingbird at 2:16 PM on April 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
It would probably be wise to have a conversation about this, before anything gets bottled up and starts getting to either of you. Just keep in mind that for some people, touch is their primary way of showing (and receiving) love. Yours are conversation and services, as you mentioned. One of the books I've seen recommended on the subject is "Five Languages of Love," by Gary Chapman. I read it myself for curiosity's sake, and it had some interesting points, ones that I think you could directly apply to your situation. People have different needs, and understanding them goes a long way towards building a solid relationship.
If this is something you really want to work on, don't give up on the guy just because he's more "needy" in this area than you. It's possible for both of you to readjust comfortably, but first you'd have to talk to him about how you feel.
posted by Tequila Mockingbird at 2:16 PM on April 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think what you're describing is a pretty common balancing act between most couples- one being more/less "affectionate" than the other or displaying affection in more obscure ways. Continue being genuine and yourself but try to compromise if you think the guy is worth staying with. Maybe you need to tell him that passion comes in many flavors and subtlety is more your style.
posted by surfgator at 2:22 PM on April 15, 2010
posted by surfgator at 2:22 PM on April 15, 2010
You and he should explore give and take scenarios. Would you both be OK with cuddling a bit when you go to bed but disentangling while you sleep? Could you have sex "his way" sometimes and "your way" sometimes? etc.
Relationships require compromise from both sides. While he is free to express a desire for more intimacy than you like, you are just as free to express your desire for less than he likes. You just need to talk it through and to find a good balance.
posted by oddman at 2:29 PM on April 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Relationships require compromise from both sides. While he is free to express a desire for more intimacy than you like, you are just as free to express your desire for less than he likes. You just need to talk it through and to find a good balance.
posted by oddman at 2:29 PM on April 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't see why you've presented this as an either/or situation where you have to either accept all his behavior or leave. If he knows how you feel and he's still acting like this, that's over-the-top and he needs to respect your feelings more. He doesn't have to be all over you while you're watching a movie, and he definitely shouldn't act like this when you're sleeping. But you should also (assuming you want to keep him) try to meet him halfway. Ending the relationship over this without even trying to compromise would be very rash.
posted by Jaltcoh at 2:29 PM on April 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Jaltcoh at 2:29 PM on April 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
No! I'm not sure where all the crazy clingy guys came from, but you don't have to change for them. Relationships are not better just because you're always squished together.
I think you should tell him you love the physical affection, but at times it can be a bit overwhelming. Make sure you do initiate some grabbing and snuggles so he understands that you don't hate it, you just don't want to overdose.
You could also carry hot drinks around, snack on popcorn during movies, and buy some body pillows and make a sort of pillow-wall in bed. You could also get a friendly cat or other animal for him to snuggle so it's not just you he is stalking for snuggles.
posted by meepmeow at 2:42 PM on April 15, 2010
I think you should tell him you love the physical affection, but at times it can be a bit overwhelming. Make sure you do initiate some grabbing and snuggles so he understands that you don't hate it, you just don't want to overdose.
You could also carry hot drinks around, snack on popcorn during movies, and buy some body pillows and make a sort of pillow-wall in bed. You could also get a friendly cat or other animal for him to snuggle so it's not just you he is stalking for snuggles.
posted by meepmeow at 2:42 PM on April 15, 2010
Either you guys find a way to compromise, or you need to find a partner who shares your preferences about touch. Everyone has their own preferences about touching, and those can shift along a wide range. You are further towards the "less touch" side of the spectrum, but there are other people who are past you out into porcupine territory.
Having said that, however, I think you are correct in your assessment that you will have an easier time dating if you could find a way to shift your preferences towards the middle of the touch spectrum. Whether or not that's something you have control over, I don't know. I am big on touch and cuddling, and although I suppose I could manage to restrain myself, I don't think I'd actually be happy in a long-term relationship that wasn't hugely touch-centric.
So don't force yourself to tolerate something you dislike; on the other hand, if you can meet your partner's needs and still be happy and satisfied, that is probably worth the effort.
posted by Forktine at 2:43 PM on April 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
Having said that, however, I think you are correct in your assessment that you will have an easier time dating if you could find a way to shift your preferences towards the middle of the touch spectrum. Whether or not that's something you have control over, I don't know. I am big on touch and cuddling, and although I suppose I could manage to restrain myself, I don't think I'd actually be happy in a long-term relationship that wasn't hugely touch-centric.
So don't force yourself to tolerate something you dislike; on the other hand, if you can meet your partner's needs and still be happy and satisfied, that is probably worth the effort.
posted by Forktine at 2:43 PM on April 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
Perhaps the question you should be asking yourself is "Do I want to change?".
Other people will probably love it if you fit into their mould of what they think you should be. But if that doesn't make you happy, then don't do it. It boils down to would you be happier in a mould + relationship, or not in a mould and not being in a relationship.
Or there is another option, which is to try a different kind of guy, one who isn't focused on physical touch as an aspect of loving. They are out there.
posted by Solomon at 2:53 PM on April 15, 2010
Other people will probably love it if you fit into their mould of what they think you should be. But if that doesn't make you happy, then don't do it. It boils down to would you be happier in a mould + relationship, or not in a mould and not being in a relationship.
Or there is another option, which is to try a different kind of guy, one who isn't focused on physical touch as an aspect of loving. They are out there.
posted by Solomon at 2:53 PM on April 15, 2010
Agree with compromise.
Just make sure you're doing your fair share of initiation of cuddling, kissing, and sexing up. If he knows you'll do that on your own without him having to initiate all the time, he'll initiate less, IMHO. If, however, what you really want is, "Stay out of my magic space, but at the same time intuit when I want you to touch me," then yes, move on.
posted by teg4rvn at 2:54 PM on April 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Just make sure you're doing your fair share of initiation of cuddling, kissing, and sexing up. If he knows you'll do that on your own without him having to initiate all the time, he'll initiate less, IMHO. If, however, what you really want is, "Stay out of my magic space, but at the same time intuit when I want you to touch me," then yes, move on.
posted by teg4rvn at 2:54 PM on April 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: "You could also get a friendly cat or other animal for him to snuggle" That's so funny, because I DO have a friendly cat and she prickles at his 'heavy petting' too! Actually I am very cat-like, give me a nice back scratch and I am in heaven, but try and squeeze me and I'll try to claw your eyes out!
I agree, jaltcoh, it'd be rash to leave him without trying to compromise first. I suppose I've made a bad habit of that. I guess I don't know how to do it! Like, 'today we kiss softly and tomorrow I'll let you jam your tongue down my throat?' Hmm, I guess I can try.
I should also note that I have never lived with a boyfriend ever, mostly because I fear so much constant space invasion. Yet I don't think I want to live alone for ever. *sigh* I'm embarrassed at my age I haven't been able to get further in a relationship.
Thanks for the helpful comments..keep 'em coming!
posted by hellameangirl at 2:57 PM on April 15, 2010
I agree, jaltcoh, it'd be rash to leave him without trying to compromise first. I suppose I've made a bad habit of that. I guess I don't know how to do it! Like, 'today we kiss softly and tomorrow I'll let you jam your tongue down my throat?' Hmm, I guess I can try.
I should also note that I have never lived with a boyfriend ever, mostly because I fear so much constant space invasion. Yet I don't think I want to live alone for ever. *sigh* I'm embarrassed at my age I haven't been able to get further in a relationship.
Thanks for the helpful comments..keep 'em coming!
posted by hellameangirl at 2:57 PM on April 15, 2010
Tell him what you need from him (apparently: certain portions of the day without touchy-feely displays of affection), and ask him what he needs from you. With all cards on the table, talk about it until you reach a compromise.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:59 PM on April 15, 2010
posted by ocherdraco at 2:59 PM on April 15, 2010
Well, if he's jumping on you without much warning, teasingly back off and whisper for him to slow down - lead the way, then start to increase the intensity. If you're in the mood for this, anyway. I adore physical affection, but an immediate tongue-down-throat kiss would turn me off too. Let him know that you're into him, but he needs to give you time to reach his level of "on-ness," so to speak. I think this is pretty normal.
As for space invasion, I can relate! I'm a super private person, and I need personal space and time to myself. It's absolutely vital to my mental health. So I'm in a relationship where this is understood and alright, but it's not one of those things was just silently agreed on. All fears and problems can start to go away with a conversation.
posted by Tequila Mockingbird at 3:13 PM on April 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
As for space invasion, I can relate! I'm a super private person, and I need personal space and time to myself. It's absolutely vital to my mental health. So I'm in a relationship where this is understood and alright, but it's not one of those things was just silently agreed on. All fears and problems can start to go away with a conversation.
posted by Tequila Mockingbird at 3:13 PM on April 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have this problem on occasion. Everyone I know is bigger than me, and my boyfriend is a foot taller. When he cuddles me, it's easy for him to overpower me and squish me without him realizing. I have had to spell this out to him and other people- "I love it when you hug me, but maybe we could do more gentle hugs?" I had to explicitly say how much pressure, preferred positioning so as not to bend my glasses, etc.
Try it- that way your boyfriend can keep up his physical affection without it being so much of a turnoff to you, and that in turn will help you enjoy his touch more, because you won't be so tense in anticipation of his overly aggressive approach.
posted by slow graffiti at 3:21 PM on April 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Try it- that way your boyfriend can keep up his physical affection without it being so much of a turnoff to you, and that in turn will help you enjoy his touch more, because you won't be so tense in anticipation of his overly aggressive approach.
posted by slow graffiti at 3:21 PM on April 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Some people need a lot of attention in relationships, and others are happiest with more space. The big thing is to communicate that and I mean explicitly communicate it.
This is one of those relationship myths, that you will telepathically be receptive to exactly the type of affection your partner wants and needs. It is okay to talk about it. It is okay to negotiate it. It does not mean your relationship is not good or that you are bad at relationships. You just need to talk about it.
I had a boyfriend who thought that every time I hugged him, that I wanted sex. He wasn't a nasty horndog of a guy, he just didn't have a lot of basis of comparison and that's what that meant to him until we talked about it.
I used to hate that Mr. M. wouldn't come to bed at the same time I did. He needs less sleep and doesn't have to get up as early as I do. What I really liked about it was the detached-from-television-and-computer time I would have with my squeeze. So he'll come in and talk to me for a few minutes and say goodnight and now it doesn't phase me at all.
I also had another partner years ago who wasn't a touchy feely kind of guy at all but became one because he could express that side of himself around me. I wouldn't have left him if he hadn't but people can and do change.
I wouldn't be so quick to say that there's something wrong with you or that he's overly needy. But I would just talk about it without attaching value to whether or not you want X or Y.
posted by micawber at 3:22 PM on April 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
This is one of those relationship myths, that you will telepathically be receptive to exactly the type of affection your partner wants and needs. It is okay to talk about it. It is okay to negotiate it. It does not mean your relationship is not good or that you are bad at relationships. You just need to talk about it.
I had a boyfriend who thought that every time I hugged him, that I wanted sex. He wasn't a nasty horndog of a guy, he just didn't have a lot of basis of comparison and that's what that meant to him until we talked about it.
I used to hate that Mr. M. wouldn't come to bed at the same time I did. He needs less sleep and doesn't have to get up as early as I do. What I really liked about it was the detached-from-television-and-computer time I would have with my squeeze. So he'll come in and talk to me for a few minutes and say goodnight and now it doesn't phase me at all.
I also had another partner years ago who wasn't a touchy feely kind of guy at all but became one because he could express that side of himself around me. I wouldn't have left him if he hadn't but people can and do change.
I wouldn't be so quick to say that there's something wrong with you or that he's overly needy. But I would just talk about it without attaching value to whether or not you want X or Y.
posted by micawber at 3:22 PM on April 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
I don't know how to do it! Like, 'today we kiss softly and tomorrow I'll let you jam your tongue down my throat?'
Well, I wasn't thinking of alternating days where you get exactly what you want on odd numbered days and he gets exactly what he wants on even-numbered days. The goal of compromise is for you to both be generally happy, simultaneously.
Since you're the one who prefers the less intense, more hands-off stuff, you should be able to get plenty of that every day, but you can also try to intensify things at other times.
The way you're wording this suggests that you experience his affection as invasive and violent. That does make it tricky to compromise. On one hand, it's important to be able to draw a line and let him know you're just not comfortable going over that line. On the other hand, the fact that you seem very quick to leap to the conclusion that his physicality (and past boyfriends' physicality) is so invasive that it might warrant breaking up ... suggests it might be a defense mechanism and something you could loosen up on.
I do think you'll have to do some loosening up if you want to stay with him. He might be able to compromise and work on his behavior, but he can't just lose his whole desire to be physical in the way he likes.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:24 PM on April 15, 2010
Well, I wasn't thinking of alternating days where you get exactly what you want on odd numbered days and he gets exactly what he wants on even-numbered days. The goal of compromise is for you to both be generally happy, simultaneously.
Since you're the one who prefers the less intense, more hands-off stuff, you should be able to get plenty of that every day, but you can also try to intensify things at other times.
The way you're wording this suggests that you experience his affection as invasive and violent. That does make it tricky to compromise. On one hand, it's important to be able to draw a line and let him know you're just not comfortable going over that line. On the other hand, the fact that you seem very quick to leap to the conclusion that his physicality (and past boyfriends' physicality) is so invasive that it might warrant breaking up ... suggests it might be a defense mechanism and something you could loosen up on.
I do think you'll have to do some loosening up if you want to stay with him. He might be able to compromise and work on his behavior, but he can't just lose his whole desire to be physical in the way he likes.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:24 PM on April 15, 2010
I can't tell you if you SHOULD change, but I can tell you that you CAN change, because my husband went from needing a lot of personal space to being very cuddly within a couple of years. This began at my insistence, but it's definitely at his initiation now.
posted by desjardins at 3:27 PM on April 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 3:27 PM on April 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
I hear ya. I am a girl who tends to not like a sudden onslaught of affection from my bf, who is very affectionate and gropey and cuddly, especially while I'm doing other things. We have worked out a few compromises that may work for you (and we have successfully lived together for two years!) The main one is that we make it a point to "pay attention to each other" for at least 15-20 minutes a day. In this window (usually after he gets home from work) my attention is fully on him, and he can be as passionate as he likes. This is something separate from sex, though can lead to it of course! Other times, I am free to swat him away if I am immersed in something and don't want to be making out, being groped, etc.
Another thing is that when I'm feeling passionately towards him, I will initiate some extra kissing and cuddling times in the way that I want to. Usually when he's at his desk, I'll randomly climb into his lap and kiss him for a little while. When I feel like I'm in control of these passionate encounters, it is more enjoyable for me. I can set the tone and pace, gentler vs. harder, etc. Thus he feels wanted and not rejected, as he would if I was always swatting him down. As a result he tends to reserve his initiation of passion for "the paying attention" window, instead of at any old time he please. Plus with me not feeling so intruded upon, I am more spontaneously passionate towards him, which is what makes him most happy!
So my suggestion is basically to communicate a compromise. Otherwise you will begin to resent his advances, which will just make the situation worse. Give him a time to freely be passionate with you, and then communicate that you want him to respect your own space. But in that space, initiate somewhat more than you would ordinarily. Also, I wonder if some of this has to do with not living with your significant other. If you guys are only seeing each other a few nights a week, it makes sense why he'd be all over you because he misses you and probably wants to make up for lost time. I find that living together actually eases some of that pressure, because I think you naturally fall into a somewhat more mellow routine in terms of physical passion because you just see each other every day. There isn't all the build up of anticipating the next time you'll see each other again that fuels that impassioned frenzy. You're just more comfortable with each other.
posted by amileighs at 3:29 PM on April 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
Another thing is that when I'm feeling passionately towards him, I will initiate some extra kissing and cuddling times in the way that I want to. Usually when he's at his desk, I'll randomly climb into his lap and kiss him for a little while. When I feel like I'm in control of these passionate encounters, it is more enjoyable for me. I can set the tone and pace, gentler vs. harder, etc. Thus he feels wanted and not rejected, as he would if I was always swatting him down. As a result he tends to reserve his initiation of passion for "the paying attention" window, instead of at any old time he please. Plus with me not feeling so intruded upon, I am more spontaneously passionate towards him, which is what makes him most happy!
So my suggestion is basically to communicate a compromise. Otherwise you will begin to resent his advances, which will just make the situation worse. Give him a time to freely be passionate with you, and then communicate that you want him to respect your own space. But in that space, initiate somewhat more than you would ordinarily. Also, I wonder if some of this has to do with not living with your significant other. If you guys are only seeing each other a few nights a week, it makes sense why he'd be all over you because he misses you and probably wants to make up for lost time. I find that living together actually eases some of that pressure, because I think you naturally fall into a somewhat more mellow routine in terms of physical passion because you just see each other every day. There isn't all the build up of anticipating the next time you'll see each other again that fuels that impassioned frenzy. You're just more comfortable with each other.
posted by amileighs at 3:29 PM on April 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Wow, these are all really great..I'm eternally grateful.
Jaltcoh, bingo! I think I've always tended to find physicality as invasive, even from sweethearts without a violent bone in their body! My younger sister for instance is a fan of european-style, kiss on the cheek greetings, and I think she plants extra-sloppy ones on me because she delights in seeing me cringe :/ And then there was my poor, loyal high school boyfriend, who I deemed an insensitive pervert for wanting just what every teenage boy wants. Where this comes from in me, I honestly don't know..but this new guy is absolutely a good, sweet guy, (in fact I skimmed that "Love Languages" book, and he gives me all 5!) and deserves a little more from me.
Slow Graffiti, you bring up a good point. I too am on the small side and hes quite manly..maybe he doesn't know his own strength? Seriously, even when he simply has his arm across me when we sleep I feel like I'm being crushed!
I'll try some of these tips, like asking him to back off a little so I can initiate more.
posted by hellameangirl at 3:56 PM on April 15, 2010
Jaltcoh, bingo! I think I've always tended to find physicality as invasive, even from sweethearts without a violent bone in their body! My younger sister for instance is a fan of european-style, kiss on the cheek greetings, and I think she plants extra-sloppy ones on me because she delights in seeing me cringe :/ And then there was my poor, loyal high school boyfriend, who I deemed an insensitive pervert for wanting just what every teenage boy wants. Where this comes from in me, I honestly don't know..but this new guy is absolutely a good, sweet guy, (in fact I skimmed that "Love Languages" book, and he gives me all 5!) and deserves a little more from me.
Slow Graffiti, you bring up a good point. I too am on the small side and hes quite manly..maybe he doesn't know his own strength? Seriously, even when he simply has his arm across me when we sleep I feel like I'm being crushed!
I'll try some of these tips, like asking him to back off a little so I can initiate more.
posted by hellameangirl at 3:56 PM on April 15, 2010
I too am on the small side and hes quite manly..maybe he doesn't know his own strength?
Yeah I think that is pretty common with guys. We/they can usually be trained to be better about it. I am very, very much touch oriented myself, but I don't squish cuddle - it's lighter stuff like hand holding, really light shoulder/back/hand massages (when we're otherwise doing something non-sexual), my legs over hers on the couch, light cuddling (bodies in contact with each other, but not him on top of you squishing you), etc. You might be able to show your bf that it can be just as intimate this way. But you have to communicate it to him.
posted by MillMan at 4:12 PM on April 15, 2010
Yeah I think that is pretty common with guys. We/they can usually be trained to be better about it. I am very, very much touch oriented myself, but I don't squish cuddle - it's lighter stuff like hand holding, really light shoulder/back/hand massages (when we're otherwise doing something non-sexual), my legs over hers on the couch, light cuddling (bodies in contact with each other, but not him on top of you squishing you), etc. You might be able to show your bf that it can be just as intimate this way. But you have to communicate it to him.
posted by MillMan at 4:12 PM on April 15, 2010
Seriously, even when he simply has his arm across me when we sleep I feel like I'm being crushed!
I'm tiny too, so I can sympathize. Just take his arm and move it; usually my hip is a good spot because it doesn't impede, y'know, breathing.
posted by desjardins at 4:26 PM on April 15, 2010
I'm tiny too, so I can sympathize. Just take his arm and move it; usually my hip is a good spot because it doesn't impede, y'know, breathing.
posted by desjardins at 4:26 PM on April 15, 2010
Another recommendation for reading the Five Love Languages book. It will help teach you both ways of communication about both "X kind of thing means love to me so I want to get it from you" and "X kind of thing means love to me so when I do it it means I love you." It's a great way to foster openness about those "meeting in the middle when you're different from each other" issues.
posted by matildaben at 6:11 PM on April 15, 2010
posted by matildaben at 6:11 PM on April 15, 2010
You have to ask yourself, is this aversion to touch worth all that you have lost and what you might lose? Is it worth holding onto this part of yourself when it seems to give you so little? Will you not be happier if you can go through the discomfort of changing yourself to become more touch oriented?
posted by sid at 9:09 PM on April 15, 2010
posted by sid at 9:09 PM on April 15, 2010
Explain to him that you've had these problems in the past. explain about the invasive feeling. Explain that you don't want this to spoil the wonderful relationship you have with him. Ask him what he needs and how he feels about it. Then brainstorm together how you can make him feel loved and vice versa so that everyone is happy. Do not try to come up with a compromise in your own head, it's a common mistake!
posted by Omnomnom at 11:13 PM on April 15, 2010
posted by Omnomnom at 11:13 PM on April 15, 2010
Nthing the Five Love Languages recommendation - very helpful. By means of less scientific approaches:
I find I'm not typically as touchy-feely as the partners I've had. What helps me to meet them in the middle is the Velociraptor. The Velociraptor is when, unexpectedly and in a fashion that I can't really explain, my elbows become glued to my sides and my forearms turn into shorter, stubbier arms. My fingers turn into razor-sharp, rigid 3-inch long claws, that twitch up and down excitedly. My face contorts into that of a hungry, hunting dinosaur, and my legs take on extraordinary strength as I bound around somewhat bird-like, looking for the closest human to devour.
This usually turns into tickling. Which usually turns into more touchy-feely. I highly recommend the Velociraptor.
posted by allkindsoftime at 6:18 AM on April 16, 2010
I find I'm not typically as touchy-feely as the partners I've had. What helps me to meet them in the middle is the Velociraptor. The Velociraptor is when, unexpectedly and in a fashion that I can't really explain, my elbows become glued to my sides and my forearms turn into shorter, stubbier arms. My fingers turn into razor-sharp, rigid 3-inch long claws, that twitch up and down excitedly. My face contorts into that of a hungry, hunting dinosaur, and my legs take on extraordinary strength as I bound around somewhat bird-like, looking for the closest human to devour.
This usually turns into tickling. Which usually turns into more touchy-feely. I highly recommend the Velociraptor.
posted by allkindsoftime at 6:18 AM on April 16, 2010
You're not alone! Sometimes it honestly just takes the right person with the same kind of intimacy/privacy needs. It takes a lot of question-and-answering to find the right meld of compatability, but it's such a relief when you find it. Feel free to memail me if you're curious about particulars. Good luck with your conversations with your current guy.
posted by Wuggie Norple at 4:09 PM on April 17, 2010
posted by Wuggie Norple at 4:09 PM on April 17, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jet_silver at 2:08 PM on April 15, 2010 [1 favorite]