I cheated on my wife with massage parlor attendent
April 11, 2010 12:16 PM Subscribe
I cheated on my wife with a massage parlor attendant. It happened during the session. She also gave me her number but later declined to communicate soon after.
I have been addicted to these "massage parlors" for the past 10 years. I have been married for 5 years. But the hobby has drastically declined since my married.
What should I do? I have never crossed that line (sex) with any other attendant in the past 10 years. Nor has any other attendent given me her number.
How do I get over this? Should I tell my wife? I have decided to quit this hobby. But nothing is engraved in stone right? Is attending a massage parlor considered cheating if no sex occurs? If it is considered cheating then I have been cheating on my wife for the past 5 years?
This post was deleted for the following reason: -- jessamyn
Cheating is not an objective standard, therefore replies you get here will not be of any use.
The question is "would it be cheating given the understanding you and your wife have?"
Thus, only you and your wife can answer this, based on the parameters of your relationship.
I suspect you already know the answer.
posted by modernnomad at 12:26 PM on April 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
The question is "would it be cheating given the understanding you and your wife have?"
Thus, only you and your wife can answer this, based on the parameters of your relationship.
I suspect you already know the answer.
posted by modernnomad at 12:26 PM on April 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
Is attending a massage parlor considered cheating if no sex occurs? If it is considered cheating then I have been cheating on my wife for the past 5 years?
Are you defining "sex" as only vaginal penetration? Have you been getting happy endings with all the other massages? Did you fail to tell your wife about the happy endings?
Then yes, you've been cheating.
posted by Bookhouse at 12:26 PM on April 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Are you defining "sex" as only vaginal penetration? Have you been getting happy endings with all the other massages? Did you fail to tell your wife about the happy endings?
Then yes, you've been cheating.
posted by Bookhouse at 12:26 PM on April 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: 1) You cheated on your wife by having sex with this massage parlor attendant. That is "engraved in stone" unless you have an open marriage.
2) If you have been getting massages with a hand-job at these places, that is also cheating, unless you have an open marriage.
3) If these places just give regular massages, then going to them is not cheating, but since you have crossed the line already once, it's probably better if you don't go back to them anymore.
4) If you had a sexual encounter with anyone other than your wife, you have to tell your wife. She needs to know for her own sexual and mental health. You don't have the right to keep this secret from her; she does have the right to know.
posted by fructose at 12:27 PM on April 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
2) If you have been getting massages with a hand-job at these places, that is also cheating, unless you have an open marriage.
3) If these places just give regular massages, then going to them is not cheating, but since you have crossed the line already once, it's probably better if you don't go back to them anymore.
4) If you had a sexual encounter with anyone other than your wife, you have to tell your wife. She needs to know for her own sexual and mental health. You don't have the right to keep this secret from her; she does have the right to know.
posted by fructose at 12:27 PM on April 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
Caveat to #2, if your wife knows that you get "release" in these massages, then that is not cheating, but based on your post, I suspect she doesn't (if you indeed are getting that at these places).
posted by fructose at 12:29 PM on April 11, 2010
posted by fructose at 12:29 PM on April 11, 2010
Just to address one sub-question here, a useful (if conservative) metric for "Is it cheating?" is, "Is it something you'd do with your mother?"
A more flexible metric is, if you're uncomfortable at the thought of telling your partner about it, then it's not something you should do.
posted by ErikaB at 12:33 PM on April 11, 2010 [6 favorites]
A more flexible metric is, if you're uncomfortable at the thought of telling your partner about it, then it's not something you should do.
posted by ErikaB at 12:33 PM on April 11, 2010 [6 favorites]
This is your wife who has low self-esteem, from another country, and lives with you and your parents, who treat her like garbage (your words)? My word.
If she knew any of this, would she be upset? Would it be a surprise? That's a fairly good litmus test.
You already know the answer to these questions. Nobody here is going to give you an out. You're asking to alleviate your own guilt, which does nothing to solve the problem at hand (so to speak).
posted by barnone at 12:36 PM on April 11, 2010 [12 favorites]
If she knew any of this, would she be upset? Would it be a surprise? That's a fairly good litmus test.
You already know the answer to these questions. Nobody here is going to give you an out. You're asking to alleviate your own guilt, which does nothing to solve the problem at hand (so to speak).
posted by barnone at 12:36 PM on April 11, 2010 [12 favorites]
What should I do?
tell your wife
How do I get over this?
therapy
Should I tell my wife?
yes
But nothing is engraved in stone right?
what
Is attending a massage parlor considered cheating if no sex occurs?
i attend massage parlours. hell, my wife bought me a gift certificate to one, and this eastern-european woman did all sorts of painful things to my back and shoulders. there was no orgasm. nothing happened i wouldn't mind telling my grandmother about. nothing happened that i feel i would need to hide from my wife. in this context, i don't consider it cheating.
If it is considered cheating then I have been cheating on my wife for the past 5 years?
well, do things happen during these massages that you don't want to reveal to your wife? if so, then i'd say yes, that's cheating.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 12:47 PM on April 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
tell your wife
How do I get over this?
therapy
Should I tell my wife?
yes
But nothing is engraved in stone right?
what
Is attending a massage parlor considered cheating if no sex occurs?
i attend massage parlours. hell, my wife bought me a gift certificate to one, and this eastern-european woman did all sorts of painful things to my back and shoulders. there was no orgasm. nothing happened i wouldn't mind telling my grandmother about. nothing happened that i feel i would need to hide from my wife. in this context, i don't consider it cheating.
If it is considered cheating then I have been cheating on my wife for the past 5 years?
well, do things happen during these massages that you don't want to reveal to your wife? if so, then i'd say yes, that's cheating.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 12:47 PM on April 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
*head in hands*
Well, the SEX certainly was cheating. But I don't think you needed us to tell you that.
As for whether going to massage parlors proper -- it depends on what HAPPENS at these massage parlors. I'd wager that if you either have an orgasm, or if your penis somehow gets involved in any capacity, then yes, this is cheating.
The fact that you ask "nothing's etched in stone, right?" sounds to me like you're looking for people to reassure you that "naw, it's okay." And I doubt you're going to get anyone saying that.
Because the only person who really CAN tell you that no, it isn't cheating would be -- your wife.
Which means, that if you want to keep going to these massage parlors with a clear conscience, you need to man up and tell her you want to do this. If she says it's okay, then hey, go nuts.
But she's the only one that can tell you it's okay. But since you're not talking to her directly, something tells me you doubt she'd say it was okay.
Which means....it's cheating.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:52 PM on April 11, 2010
Well, the SEX certainly was cheating. But I don't think you needed us to tell you that.
As for whether going to massage parlors proper -- it depends on what HAPPENS at these massage parlors. I'd wager that if you either have an orgasm, or if your penis somehow gets involved in any capacity, then yes, this is cheating.
The fact that you ask "nothing's etched in stone, right?" sounds to me like you're looking for people to reassure you that "naw, it's okay." And I doubt you're going to get anyone saying that.
Because the only person who really CAN tell you that no, it isn't cheating would be -- your wife.
Which means, that if you want to keep going to these massage parlors with a clear conscience, you need to man up and tell her you want to do this. If she says it's okay, then hey, go nuts.
But she's the only one that can tell you it's okay. But since you're not talking to her directly, something tells me you doubt she'd say it was okay.
Which means....it's cheating.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:52 PM on April 11, 2010
I have been addicted to these "massage parlors" for the past 10 years.
If you have to put "massage parlors" in quotes, it's probably been cheating.
posted by cali59 at 12:56 PM on April 11, 2010 [22 favorites]
If you have to put "massage parlors" in quotes, it's probably been cheating.
posted by cali59 at 12:56 PM on April 11, 2010 [22 favorites]
Response by poster: I am ashamed of myself. I feel guilty attending these places for releases. No sex happened before. Sex only happened once and with this once girl. I almost fell for her after he gave me her number. This is the most dumbest thing I have ever done. I am really shamed and sorry. But what hurts the most is that I stopped thinking about the consequences and proceeded anyways.
How do I get over this addiction?? I know its bad for my marriage. I know its a money drain. But I am still addicted. Having said that, the addiction seems minute compared to the sex I had with the attendant.
posted by alshain at 1:05 PM on April 11, 2010
How do I get over this addiction?? I know its bad for my marriage. I know its a money drain. But I am still addicted. Having said that, the addiction seems minute compared to the sex I had with the attendant.
posted by alshain at 1:05 PM on April 11, 2010
Best answer: If you think you have a compulsion to go to these massage parlors, go to therapy.
Your wife deserves to know if only for all the diseases you have probably exposed her to. Even if you have never had sex with one of those massage parlor women, if they touch everyone's genitals, I doubt they sanitize the room and their hands between every half-hour or 15 minute appointment
Frankly, why be married? What's the point? The only reason you have to rationalize any of this stuff, is so you can have your cake and eat it too, i.e. still do this and still be married. If you stay unmarried, you can go do whatever you want, whenever you want, and spend your money however you want to.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:17 PM on April 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your wife deserves to know if only for all the diseases you have probably exposed her to. Even if you have never had sex with one of those massage parlor women, if they touch everyone's genitals, I doubt they sanitize the room and their hands between every half-hour or 15 minute appointment
Frankly, why be married? What's the point? The only reason you have to rationalize any of this stuff, is so you can have your cake and eat it too, i.e. still do this and still be married. If you stay unmarried, you can go do whatever you want, whenever you want, and spend your money however you want to.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:17 PM on April 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
You've been getting (presumably) handjobs at massage parlors for a decade and throughout your entire marriage. Yes, this is cheating. Based on this question and your previous questions, I think you owe your wife a divorce, and you owe yourself some serious therapy and self-reflection. You are a complete mess and, I'm sorry, a failure as a husband. Tell her and end this sad charade.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 1:27 PM on April 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
posted by Optimus Chyme at 1:27 PM on April 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
Please, for frack's sake, anonymize this question because, though it may be easier for you to force the issue of your cheating with your wife by having her stumble across this question, it is not fair to her to do so. This is a potentially very hurtful, totally embarrassing, and just totally wrong way to go about this.
You seem not to understand how building and maintaining trust work.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 1:35 PM on April 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
You seem not to understand how building and maintaining trust work.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 1:35 PM on April 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Your marriage may be salvageable, but the chances of that have a lo to do with you finding the strength of character to stop cheating.
posted by DWRoelands at 1:38 PM on April 11, 2010
posted by DWRoelands at 1:38 PM on April 11, 2010
Your characterizations of yourself in your questions here seem to describe things you choose to do (in this case, going to massage parlors) as intrinsic qualities ("I am still addicted"). This allows you to talk about these things as if you recognize that they're wrong, while essentially absolving yourself of guilt by saying, "I can't stop! I'm addicted!" You need to stop that. You are not helpless. You are an adult who chooses to get in his car, drive to a massage parlor, and pay for their services. You can also choose not to do that. You can seek help--therapy, support group, clergy person, etc.--to develop strategies for stopping yourself before you act impulsively, but you will still need to choose to act in one way instead of choosing to act in another way.
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:51 PM on April 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:51 PM on April 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
Do you love your wife more than these "massage parlors?" Do you care about her wellbeing more than the patriarchal dogma enforced by your parents (per your previous question)? Do you want your children (and the relationship patterns they learn) to be more respectful than what they're learning now by witnessing what they do in your household? Then you might have a chance to salvage your marriage.
I'm not so quick to say that divorce will be better for your wife. From what we know, she is entirely innocent in your infidelity and abuse by her in-laws (your parents). Divorce for a lot of women in non-Western cultures (and "Western" cultures as well) is more shaming for women than for men. Divorce for her, could be much, much worse than how things are now.
I do think you need to be honest with her. And I do think you need to be honest with your parents. I'm half Desi, and do understand some of the parental pressures and responsibilities. I just choose to compromise - there is much middle ground between total abandonment and still catering to all of their demands when you're a grownup.
If the answer to all of the questions above is "yes" then I would apologize to her, and begin to look for a place for your own family (without your parents). Get therapy. Encourage her to find and do things that make her happy. Maybe get therapy for the both of you, with someone who has experience dealing with inter-cultural marriages, or at least expertise in dealing with people from diverse cultural and religious backgrounds. If your parents can't take care of themselves, make a deal with your brother to rotate assisting them (now would be his turn).
posted by raztaj at 1:55 PM on April 11, 2010
I'm not so quick to say that divorce will be better for your wife. From what we know, she is entirely innocent in your infidelity and abuse by her in-laws (your parents). Divorce for a lot of women in non-Western cultures (and "Western" cultures as well) is more shaming for women than for men. Divorce for her, could be much, much worse than how things are now.
I do think you need to be honest with her. And I do think you need to be honest with your parents. I'm half Desi, and do understand some of the parental pressures and responsibilities. I just choose to compromise - there is much middle ground between total abandonment and still catering to all of their demands when you're a grownup.
If the answer to all of the questions above is "yes" then I would apologize to her, and begin to look for a place for your own family (without your parents). Get therapy. Encourage her to find and do things that make her happy. Maybe get therapy for the both of you, with someone who has experience dealing with inter-cultural marriages, or at least expertise in dealing with people from diverse cultural and religious backgrounds. If your parents can't take care of themselves, make a deal with your brother to rotate assisting them (now would be his turn).
posted by raztaj at 1:55 PM on April 11, 2010
Response by poster: My marriage is not an open marriage and I do not have an agreement with my wife that I can jerked off by a massage parlor attendant.
posted by alshain at 2:37 PM on April 11, 2010
posted by alshain at 2:37 PM on April 11, 2010
I think most people in here will be promoting trust and honesty within a marriage. What else is there?
posted by robself at 2:53 PM on April 11, 2010
posted by robself at 2:53 PM on April 11, 2010
Mod note: few comments removed if you can't mke your comments in a respectful manner, we can do without your help. metatalk is your option.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:58 PM on April 11, 2010
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:58 PM on April 11, 2010
the addiction seems minute compared to the sex I had with the attendant.
Yes, feel bad about the sex, but ALSO get treatment for the addiction. There's something underlying the sex and the addiction that will continue to manifest in your life until you get it figured out. You have other posts in which you say you are addicted. Yes, maybe so. The 12 Step Programs are free (e.g., www.sa.org). These have a good method for overcoming addictions if you do want to stop.
If you don't want to stop, please quit exhibiting them on Metafilter. I can't tell if these posts are a cry for help or a sort of prurient "I'm bad" exhibitionism. I get a bit of a weird feeling about it all. Overcoming addictions sometimes requires confronting painful things from your past, such as your relationship with your parents. It can be hard, but it's worth it. It kinda sounds like you want to, e.g. If you are here because you want us to insist that, whatever else is going on in your life, it's extremely important that you make time to overcome the pains, etc., driving these addictions and the related shame, we can do that.
posted by salvia at 2:59 PM on April 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
Yes, feel bad about the sex, but ALSO get treatment for the addiction. There's something underlying the sex and the addiction that will continue to manifest in your life until you get it figured out. You have other posts in which you say you are addicted. Yes, maybe so. The 12 Step Programs are free (e.g., www.sa.org). These have a good method for overcoming addictions if you do want to stop.
If you don't want to stop, please quit exhibiting them on Metafilter. I can't tell if these posts are a cry for help or a sort of prurient "I'm bad" exhibitionism. I get a bit of a weird feeling about it all. Overcoming addictions sometimes requires confronting painful things from your past, such as your relationship with your parents. It can be hard, but it's worth it. It kinda sounds like you want to, e.g. If you are here because you want us to insist that, whatever else is going on in your life, it's extremely important that you make time to overcome the pains, etc., driving these addictions and the related shame, we can do that.
posted by salvia at 2:59 PM on April 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
I agree with most of what's been said, including that there's something inappropriate about this post. I think you should think critically about why you chose to post this without doing so anonymously - is this part of what's getting you off?
Also, getting jerked off is cheating (unless that's explicitly OK with your wife), just as much as intercourse is cheating. If you were my partner, even I found out that for 10 years you'd been getting massages that did not include any sexual behavior and you hadn't ever told me about them, I'd feel cheated on. For me, the lying is the biggest violation - although yes there are also health concerns that necessitate you telling your wife about the sex immediately.
There are well-regarded 12 step groups - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous - as well numerous books which you could easily find for free at your local library, and of course individual therapy to help you. So get help. Today. Now.
posted by serazin at 3:15 PM on April 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, getting jerked off is cheating (unless that's explicitly OK with your wife), just as much as intercourse is cheating. If you were my partner, even I found out that for 10 years you'd been getting massages that did not include any sexual behavior and you hadn't ever told me about them, I'd feel cheated on. For me, the lying is the biggest violation - although yes there are also health concerns that necessitate you telling your wife about the sex immediately.
There are well-regarded 12 step groups - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous - as well numerous books which you could easily find for free at your local library, and of course individual therapy to help you. So get help. Today. Now.
posted by serazin at 3:15 PM on April 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure from the way your question is phrased if you want to be told 'you're a very bad man' or 'well done, good on you'.
But I do think you're being given an overly hard time on here. Getting sexual favours in exchange for money doesn't make you a bad person or in need of therapy. You've only had sex once and if you used a condom then there's not much chance that you'd catch anything and pass it to your wife.
Another thing that I notice is that once this woman gave you her number you rang her to try to arrange more sex. Presumably because you were flattered she passed along her number. Most likely she had sex with you on that occasion because she needed more money than a standard HJ would pay, perhaps she had a fleeting idea of earning more money from you regularly so she gave you her number.
Also I would suggest not telling your wife anything.
posted by selton at 3:53 PM on April 11, 2010
But I do think you're being given an overly hard time on here. Getting sexual favours in exchange for money doesn't make you a bad person or in need of therapy. You've only had sex once and if you used a condom then there's not much chance that you'd catch anything and pass it to your wife.
Another thing that I notice is that once this woman gave you her number you rang her to try to arrange more sex. Presumably because you were flattered she passed along her number. Most likely she had sex with you on that occasion because she needed more money than a standard HJ would pay, perhaps she had a fleeting idea of earning more money from you regularly so she gave you her number.
Also I would suggest not telling your wife anything.
posted by selton at 3:53 PM on April 11, 2010
Getting sexual favours in exchange for money doesn't make you a bad person or in need of therapy.
No, but doing this outside of the established boundaries of his marriage does.
OP, you seem to be equivocating on what cheating really is, but it seems that even though you've never had intercourse prior to this one occasion, the massage provides some sort of sexual release. My rule is that if you are unwilling to discuss what you're doing at these "massage parlors" with your wife, then you're probably doing something that violates the trust of your marriage.
posted by chiababe at 4:03 PM on April 11, 2010
No, but doing this outside of the established boundaries of his marriage does.
OP, you seem to be equivocating on what cheating really is, but it seems that even though you've never had intercourse prior to this one occasion, the massage provides some sort of sexual release. My rule is that if you are unwilling to discuss what you're doing at these "massage parlors" with your wife, then you're probably doing something that violates the trust of your marriage.
posted by chiababe at 4:03 PM on April 11, 2010
It isn't a question of right or wrong, but what you're doing to your marriage, even if you don't tell your wife. Because something in you is committed to fidelity—I suffer from the same condition—you're alienating yourself from your wife by doing something that, down deep, you feel is wrong. As hard as it is to give up sex outside a marriage, it's even harder to talk yourself out of your own principles. If you keep getting massages with a happy ending, it doesn't matter whether there's penetration. You're still screwed.
posted by markcmyers at 4:07 PM on April 11, 2010
posted by markcmyers at 4:07 PM on April 11, 2010
You've only had sex once and if you used a condom then there's not much chance that you'd catch anything and pass it to your wife. Also I would suggest not telling your wife anything.
Please do not listen to any of this.
posted by june made him a gemini at 4:16 PM on April 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Please do not listen to any of this.
posted by june made him a gemini at 4:16 PM on April 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I will reply to more questions later but what is the issue with anonymity? I am anonymous. My real name is not "alshain". Like most of you it is a pseud. Unless my real name is popping up somewhere, I don't see an issue.
posted by alshain at 4:20 PM on April 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by alshain at 4:20 PM on April 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
The issue with anonymity is this - it is very easy to look back through your posting history and see how old you are, where you live, how old your wife is, where she is from, with whom you live, whether or not you have children, how you feel about your wife, her basic temperament, your basic temperament, your interests, etc. People are smarter than you give them credit for, and if you can't believe that someone could piece together who you are from the pieces of information you've left here on this site, then you are either incredibly naive or so deeply steeped in your own denial that you're irrational.
All that aside, your wife may use your computer occasionally. You might leave this site up and she might get curious about your posting history, click around and find everything you've said about her and your sex addiction and the fact that you've gotten blow jobs and, on one occasion, had penetrative sex with a prostitute. Not a massage attendant, my friend. A prostitute. That's what these women are - they're prostitutes and please don't delude yourself otherwise. Again, that you cannot see that what you've revealed about your life here on this site could potentially get you into some very hot water on a number of levels with your wife says - again - that you're not thinking clearly. It also says to me that you don't give your wife a whole helluva lot of credit for being able to put two and two together, which is incredibly disrespectful, and part of an overall pattern of disrespect you are showing toward her, up to and including THIS QUESTION.
Please. I am saying this for your own good. It's beginning to seem as if posting this is an act of exhibitionism itself or, at the very least, you want to get caught rather than privately approaching your wife and allowing the both of you the dignity to handle your marital problems behind closed doors.
Clear enough?
posted by TryTheTilapia at 4:43 PM on April 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
All that aside, your wife may use your computer occasionally. You might leave this site up and she might get curious about your posting history, click around and find everything you've said about her and your sex addiction and the fact that you've gotten blow jobs and, on one occasion, had penetrative sex with a prostitute. Not a massage attendant, my friend. A prostitute. That's what these women are - they're prostitutes and please don't delude yourself otherwise. Again, that you cannot see that what you've revealed about your life here on this site could potentially get you into some very hot water on a number of levels with your wife says - again - that you're not thinking clearly. It also says to me that you don't give your wife a whole helluva lot of credit for being able to put two and two together, which is incredibly disrespectful, and part of an overall pattern of disrespect you are showing toward her, up to and including THIS QUESTION.
Please. I am saying this for your own good. It's beginning to seem as if posting this is an act of exhibitionism itself or, at the very least, you want to get caught rather than privately approaching your wife and allowing the both of you the dignity to handle your marital problems behind closed doors.
Clear enough?
posted by TryTheTilapia at 4:43 PM on April 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
Well, the concern is that if you're using this username anywhere else, and your wife, family, boss, etc. are aware of it, and they come across your account here, it would be really simple for them to figure out that this is you posting here and not just some other guy using the same username because you have revealed some personally identifying details in this and your other questions.
It's your decision to make, but most people are wary of posting questions of such a personal nature while having so many identifying details tied to their account. Not that most people here would do it, but less scrupulous folks have been known to do some internet detective nonsense and contacted the aggrieved parties in this sort of situation.
posted by chiababe at 4:45 PM on April 11, 2010
It's your decision to make, but most people are wary of posting questions of such a personal nature while having so many identifying details tied to their account. Not that most people here would do it, but less scrupulous folks have been known to do some internet detective nonsense and contacted the aggrieved parties in this sort of situation.
posted by chiababe at 4:45 PM on April 11, 2010
Response by poster: I am thankful for the all replies.
Though I have to say one thing. It was hard for me to come out and say all this openly. I was hoping for some answers as to how to go about this situation. So to say I wrote this as some sort of exhibitionism on my part is not true. I was honesty looking for solutions right the situation.
It is true that coming out is a bit of help to the guilt I had. But it is not all. I have still have work to do. Some of you have been harsh in your replies. I don't mind that. I have never talked to anyone about this. So this is the first time someone is telling me this is wrong. You might be thinking "you are cheating on your wife and you needed someone to tell you this?". In short, yes. I am so deep in this and I am blinded by it.
posted by alshain at 5:36 PM on April 11, 2010
Though I have to say one thing. It was hard for me to come out and say all this openly. I was hoping for some answers as to how to go about this situation. So to say I wrote this as some sort of exhibitionism on my part is not true. I was honesty looking for solutions right the situation.
It is true that coming out is a bit of help to the guilt I had. But it is not all. I have still have work to do. Some of you have been harsh in your replies. I don't mind that. I have never talked to anyone about this. So this is the first time someone is telling me this is wrong. You might be thinking "you are cheating on your wife and you needed someone to tell you this?". In short, yes. I am so deep in this and I am blinded by it.
posted by alshain at 5:36 PM on April 11, 2010
I think it could help you a lot to see a therapist. He or she will talk with you compassionately, and help you figure out what to do... according to your own feelings and values. The therapist can help you find ways to strengthen your partnership with your wife, and to appreciate what fidelity means.
A lot of times, if a person has a vice or an "addiction," it serves as an escape from or cover-up of personal problems or unhappiness in some area of life, or a feeling that something is missing. If the pleasure you've been seeking from the masseuses IS an escape, you can learn other ways to deal with bad feelings.
A good therapist will be on your side. If it were easy to quit your illicit activities, you'd have done it by now. Get some help.
I'd recommend not telling your wife about anything until you've seen a therapist...and I don't know if it would even be a good idea to tell her. You can figure that out when you get some clarity.
posted by wryly at 6:03 PM on April 11, 2010
A lot of times, if a person has a vice or an "addiction," it serves as an escape from or cover-up of personal problems or unhappiness in some area of life, or a feeling that something is missing. If the pleasure you've been seeking from the masseuses IS an escape, you can learn other ways to deal with bad feelings.
A good therapist will be on your side. If it were easy to quit your illicit activities, you'd have done it by now. Get some help.
I'd recommend not telling your wife about anything until you've seen a therapist...and I don't know if it would even be a good idea to tell her. You can figure that out when you get some clarity.
posted by wryly at 6:03 PM on April 11, 2010
It sounds very much like you knew it was wrong in the first place. If you never thought of it that way, you probably would have told your wife about this secret hobby. But you call it an addiction. That sounds like you know something is very wrong with your behavior, but you feel as if it's beyond your control. If this is the case, then do get some help, as in therapy with your wife if she's willing to continue working on the marriage at all, but clearly you can't continue to know what you know and pretend like everything's fine, so you have to come clean one way or another. I understand first hand how addiction can deceive someone into rationalizing all sorts of hurtful and self-destructive behavior, and by fostering secrets, deception, emotional release and guilt, but I think you do, too.
I agree with what markcmyers said. You aren't going to be right with yourself until you deal with this and start building trust again, even if it's just with yourself.
posted by krinklyfig at 6:15 PM on April 11, 2010
I agree with what markcmyers said. You aren't going to be right with yourself until you deal with this and start building trust again, even if it's just with yourself.
posted by krinklyfig at 6:15 PM on April 11, 2010
I would just add that while it might be possible to keep this all a secret and work out everything on your own, it's not likely to be a healthy course for you to follow or to turn out well that way, so think of yourself and your own well being first if you think of anyone. But as others have mentioned, at the very least you need to tell your wife because of health reasons. You may spare her feelings or whatever people might say to themselves, but you aren't doing her any real favors by keeping information from her which could affect her health, and in the end this stuff all comes out anyway. Might as well get it over now.
posted by krinklyfig at 6:27 PM on April 11, 2010
posted by krinklyfig at 6:27 PM on April 11, 2010
I will reply to more questions later but what is the issue with anonymity? I am anonymous. My real name is not "alshain". Like most of you it is a pseud. Unless my real name is popping up somewhere, I don't see an issue.
Yeah, we know your real name is not "alshain." We also know that a username can be useful in tracking someone down through Google if you also have other info about the person. And we also know a bunch of other details about your marriage from one of your earlier questions. (Your wife is from a certain country and moved to a very different country -- I won't mention them here.)
And it's not just about the content you've posted to Metafilter. It's about the content you might post in the future. Are you positive you'll never post any identifying info to this site at any point?
Also, please disregard selton's advice. AskMe should be about helping people, not encouraging them to act wrongly.
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:44 PM on April 11, 2010
Yeah, we know your real name is not "alshain." We also know that a username can be useful in tracking someone down through Google if you also have other info about the person. And we also know a bunch of other details about your marriage from one of your earlier questions. (Your wife is from a certain country and moved to a very different country -- I won't mention them here.)
And it's not just about the content you've posted to Metafilter. It's about the content you might post in the future. Are you positive you'll never post any identifying info to this site at any point?
Also, please disregard selton's advice. AskMe should be about helping people, not encouraging them to act wrongly.
posted by Jaltcoh at 6:44 PM on April 11, 2010
There is really nothing else to say, is there? You should mark this "resolved" and go about seeking a) therapy and b) STD testing--and then telling your wife so she can get tested. Hopefully, you didn't give her anything.
If her situation re your family life and her immigration status is as bad as others have mentioned, it would be decent of you, should you divorce, to try to help her get on her feet independently so that the impact on her is minimized.
posted by emjaybee at 7:55 PM on April 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
If her situation re your family life and her immigration status is as bad as others have mentioned, it would be decent of you, should you divorce, to try to help her get on her feet independently so that the impact on her is minimized.
posted by emjaybee at 7:55 PM on April 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is another one that's actually very simple:
Have you done something with another woman that your wife wouldn't want you to do? If the answer is yes, then you have cheated.
You have broken the trust that your wife has in you. That's basically the definition of cheating.
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:01 PM on April 11, 2010
Have you done something with another woman that your wife wouldn't want you to do? If the answer is yes, then you have cheated.
You have broken the trust that your wife has in you. That's basically the definition of cheating.
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:01 PM on April 11, 2010
By cheating, you put your wife's health at risk in addition to your own. Even if you used protection, some STDs like HPV (which causes cervical cancer) can be transmitted by skin-to-skin contact. Condoms reduce this risk but don't eliminate it entirely. You & your wife need to get tested for STDs.
posted by inertia at 8:28 PM on April 11, 2010
posted by inertia at 8:28 PM on April 11, 2010
At this point, I don't think there is any doubt that you cheated on your wife or that you have done the wrong thing. So, the question that remains is where do you go from here? I'd start with a therapist and getting tested for STDs. While a condom drastically reduces your chances of catching something, you could still end up with an STD and passing it on to your wife, who has not agreed to engage in risky sexual behavior.
Then, there's how you approach this with your wife. Yes, you need to tell her, for a variety of reasons, but for her own health and protection is the main one. There is also the issue of what you seem to be describing as compulsive behavior. That struggle is an important thing about you and has already begun to effect your relationship. Your wife needs to know about that in order to process all of this and make an educated decision about her future with you.
Your marriage may not survive this admission. Then again, it might. Be prepared for this uncomfortable, painful discussion, and please do not try to defend yourself. Apologizing, explaining (but not excusing), owning your own actions, and asking for her help are all important components of that conversation. If you've already started to take steps to address these issues, I think that might go a long way towards securing a chance at rebuilding your marriage. For example, having made an appointment with a therapist is far more powerful then saying you have plans to do so.
One final minor point, those that are telling you to make this anonymous are giving you good advice. You may be bristling at that so much because of the other criticism of your behavior which you can't defend because you know it's wrong. While there is nothing overtly wrong with not posting something anonymously, if you want to minimize any potential fall-out, make this anonymous. It may never be a factor, but why take the chance? At the very least, protect your wife from the possibility that she or someone she knows could read your posts and put two and two together. Unlikely, maybe, but still very possible. Good luck to you and your wife.
posted by katemcd at 8:39 PM on April 11, 2010
Then, there's how you approach this with your wife. Yes, you need to tell her, for a variety of reasons, but for her own health and protection is the main one. There is also the issue of what you seem to be describing as compulsive behavior. That struggle is an important thing about you and has already begun to effect your relationship. Your wife needs to know about that in order to process all of this and make an educated decision about her future with you.
Your marriage may not survive this admission. Then again, it might. Be prepared for this uncomfortable, painful discussion, and please do not try to defend yourself. Apologizing, explaining (but not excusing), owning your own actions, and asking for her help are all important components of that conversation. If you've already started to take steps to address these issues, I think that might go a long way towards securing a chance at rebuilding your marriage. For example, having made an appointment with a therapist is far more powerful then saying you have plans to do so.
One final minor point, those that are telling you to make this anonymous are giving you good advice. You may be bristling at that so much because of the other criticism of your behavior which you can't defend because you know it's wrong. While there is nothing overtly wrong with not posting something anonymously, if you want to minimize any potential fall-out, make this anonymous. It may never be a factor, but why take the chance? At the very least, protect your wife from the possibility that she or someone she knows could read your posts and put two and two together. Unlikely, maybe, but still very possible. Good luck to you and your wife.
posted by katemcd at 8:39 PM on April 11, 2010
IANAPsychologist. It sounds like you may have a sexual addiction. I know it is very popular on the green to suggest therapy, but in your situation, it sounds like you genuinely NEED therapy.
posted by asciident at 12:11 AM on April 12, 2010
posted by asciident at 12:11 AM on April 12, 2010
Based on this and your previous question about your wife, the best thing you can do for yourself is therapy and the best thing you can do for her is divorce her and get out of her life.
posted by WeekendJen at 11:48 AM on April 12, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by WeekendJen at 11:48 AM on April 12, 2010 [4 favorites]
This is not a hobby.
That's a term commonly used by "punters" in online prostitute/handjob massage review forums, people who are completely aware that what they're paying for is sex, and that their spouses would consider it sex.
posted by Sallyfur at 10:09 AM on April 13, 2010
That's a term commonly used by "punters" in online prostitute/handjob massage review forums, people who are completely aware that what they're paying for is sex, and that their spouses would consider it sex.
posted by Sallyfur at 10:09 AM on April 13, 2010
I had similar experiences with massage parlors. My advice:
1) It's your problem and you need to solve it for yourself.
2) Do not tell your wife unless you are prepared to end the marriage. Confessing to prior acts of cheating NEVER helps the other partner. It only attempts to relieve one's own guilt.
3) Place obstacles in your life to make it harder to continue going to the massage parlors. For example:
- Share a single bank account with your wife. Tell her that you want to keep track of all expenditures together (use mint.com or similar). So, any withdrawals of cash will be seen by your wife.
- Get a shared family plan for your phones. So your wife would see any calls you make to the massage parlor.
- (extreme) Set up a GPS tracking system in your car so your spouse can check your location any time of day. Say that you want to do it "in case of emergency".
This will incentivize you to not cheat, because you know you will be caught.
posted by degenerate at 12:02 AM on April 14, 2010
1) It's your problem and you need to solve it for yourself.
2) Do not tell your wife unless you are prepared to end the marriage. Confessing to prior acts of cheating NEVER helps the other partner. It only attempts to relieve one's own guilt.
3) Place obstacles in your life to make it harder to continue going to the massage parlors. For example:
- Share a single bank account with your wife. Tell her that you want to keep track of all expenditures together (use mint.com or similar). So, any withdrawals of cash will be seen by your wife.
- Get a shared family plan for your phones. So your wife would see any calls you make to the massage parlor.
- (extreme) Set up a GPS tracking system in your car so your spouse can check your location any time of day. Say that you want to do it "in case of emergency".
This will incentivize you to not cheat, because you know you will be caught.
posted by degenerate at 12:02 AM on April 14, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Well, that was step one. Step two is to keep holding onto this vow. If you can do that and continue to learn from mistakes, you'll be OK. Really, it's that simple.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:25 PM on April 11, 2010